Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I have just finished looking at every single "blog" on the "internet" and have figured out that Maud Newton's is the best. ("Click" here to go to it and stop wasting your time with this one or any other.) Her little sidebar alone is a treasure. If I go to her page at this precise moment (though perhaps it will change by the time you "click") I get insight on many of this "blog's" own recurring subjects - Alison Bechdel, Charles Schulz, Donald Barthelme, Poe, Proust, YouTube, Greenwood, MS, Amanda Stern, Lorrie Moore, George Saunders, Brooklyn, the New York Times Book Review, and Stephen King. Insight! What's that? It's a thrilling discovery for us here at the "blog." Maud Newton does it so we don't have to. I don't know Ms. Newton at all, have never communicated with her even through today's modern convenience of computers, though I think we may have one or two mutual friends. Still, she is going to be placed with honors in my FRIENDS WITH "BLOGS" section, replacing my friend Mary, who deleted her "blog" in a fit of responsibility. Fittingly, I believe Mary once ran into Ms. Newton over at Square Books. Maud Newton, everybody! Maud Newton! Best "blog" ever!
Fans of Thacker Mountain Radio, pay heed! Tomorrow's show will feature a live and lively reading from old friend of the "blog" Wesley Stace as well as an equally live musical performance by one of my undergraduate writing students, Mr. Dent May, who has never seen an episode of STAR TREK. Slowly the "blog" grasps its new town in its avaricious tentacles...
The bird correspondent responds: "Hmm...turkeys. I suppose everyone knows that Ben Franklin suggested the wild turkey would make a better national bird than the bald eagle. The eagle, Ben claimed, possesses 'bad moral Character,' whereas the turkey is, 'though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on.' But everyone knows that! Supposedly wild turkeys are very shy, but I also have seen them hanging out on the sides of roads, and I had a loud flock of toms living outside my studio when I was up at the MacDowell Colony in NH. There is even an in-town flock here in Atlanta, in a Druid Hills neighborhood where people have been feeding them and watching out for them since the 60s or 70s." (P.S. I realize that this "post" has nothing to do with Arnold Stang, Fess Parker, or Peter Lorre but I can't help myself.)
Though it breaks our "blog" laws - or "blaws" - against scatology and commentary, I need very much to point out that today's MGMIEET is titled, on the YouTube, "Jerry confesses to pre-defecation chills."
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
McNeil must have been tossing and turning all night. First thing in the morning I find this message from him: "I have an idea for the blog: Mt Stangmore. It's like Mt. Rushmore only instead of the busts of presidents, Mt. Stangmore will bear the likenesses of Norman Taurog, Jack Arnold, George Marshall and, of course, Arnold Stang. Perhaps, as an added feature, a huge image of Jack Carson's face should be etched into a higher mountain a little removed from (behind?) Mt. Stangmore, as if he were looming over our Mt. Stangmore like a giant moon. Yeah. I think that's it. Beautiful. Get Mike Mitchell on it right away."
Dear Bird Correspondent, It seems strange to mention wild turkeys and not ask you for any wild turkey lore you are able to provide for curious "blog" readers. (Aside: I realize that when I mentioned wild boars recently I should have "linked" to this.)
Monday, October 29, 2007
There is always a risk of ruining MGMIEET through excessive exegesis. That is why we generally recommend the detached approach. But we must mention that today's MGMIEET comes from a TV show in which Jack Arnold had a hand. McNeil also sends word that Jack Arnold directed BACHELOR IN PARADISE, a fact to which McNeil quite properly appends five exclamation points. And now, with no further ado...
I was wondering when I would be called upon to explain Fess Parker to our nation's troubled youth. But the FBIL has gone ahead and done it for me in a brand new edition of his famous "Annotation Korner." He writes in primarily to annotate our recent column on bookmarks: "I had a nice surprise the other day. As you may remember, I purchased a copy of The Architecture of the Arkansas Ozarks by Donald Harington at Square Books during our last visit to Oxford. One of the first things I did upon getting home to Atlanta was retrieve the bookmark out of the bag. Last Friday, I was packing up Mr. Harington's novel for a weekend trip to Auburn when I discovered two additional bookmarks inserted into the book. That's three bookmarks in one purchase. Such generosity deserves recognition. You know who else deserves greater recognition? Fess Parker does, that's who. The man played both Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, for Pete's sake. Who else can say that? Speaking of Fess Parker as Daniel Boone, in my younger days I used to watch that show every day when I came home from school. The thing was, I could never understand the theme song's lyrics. To my young mind it sounded as if Daniel Boone 'fought for America/ to make all Americans scream.'"
Sit back, boys and girls. This is going to be long and tedious. The payoff is slim. If you "click" on every "link" and then "click" on every other "link" in every other "post" to which you are taken, you will be reading this "post" forever, for all practical purposes. This "post" is dedicated to Arnold Stang completists everywhere. So McNeil works with a guy named George, who shares our interest in certain movies and TV shows. The other day, McNeil told George about my lunch with Anthony Zerbe. Somehow, the conversation got around to the time that George had interviewed one Jack Arnold for a job designing the web site for a sheriff's office. Are you with me so far? Nothing about Jack Arnold's CV suggested that he might be able to design a web site, but according to this story, George called him in because Mr. Arnold had directed several 1950s science fiction classics, such as THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN, and George wanted to talk to him and get some juicy stories. Well, when McNeil got home he looked up Jack Arnold on IMDB and found that Mr. Arnold had also directed Bob Hope in A GLOBAL AFFAIR (a former object of "blog"templation) AND Arnold Stang in HELLO DOWN THERE. I tell you, McNeil has not been so excited since the director of HOW TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND RUIN YOUR LIFE died in Charlotte. (For an explanation of the picture, see the original "posting." I "link" back to it for those of you who read the "blog" during weekdays, when you should be working at your work computers. There's a small chance you may have missed an important part of the Stang saga over the weekend.)
Last night, on the way home from the feast, I saw a young deer in someone's yard. At first I thought it was one of those lawn ornaments, it was so still and alert, but then it sprang away. When we got home, this email from McNeil was waiting, in response to Theresa's recent deer sighting: "My parents live inside the city limits of Charlotte, and wake up every morning to at least 3 deer (sometimes as many as six or seven according to my dad). I can send you pics if you'd like and call it McNeil's Gold Medal International Emergency Exit Creatures." My mind wandered back to the time we saw all those wild turkeys, and the subsequent communications of Mr. Ward and McNeil on the subject. (By the way, there was a roasted wild turkey on the menu last night.) This is what a "blog" is, everybody! Get used to it.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tonight we eat a roasted goat and a roasted wild boar. I am not kidding! It is the same annual party at which Tom Franklin ate a roasted pig last year. Speaking of animals, Theresa saw a deer on Faulkner's property yesterday.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
It's time once again for "Bookmarkin'! with Jack Pendarvis," our popular and helpful review of the free bookmarks given out by the bookstores of the world, and your guide to matching each one with just the right book. Theresa has just started reading CHRISTINE FALLS, by Elegant Variation "fave" John Banville, writing under the name Benjamin Black. The dust jacket of the American hardcover is quite fine, as I would like to make clear, because I am about to say that the predominant color makes me think of old Shaky's one-liner about the moon, what with her vestal livery being but sick and green and all. But that deathly element is essential, I think. Theresa found a stunning accompaniment in a bookmark from A Cappella Books in Atlanta. The size is perhaps not ideal - it is a little short for a hardcover - but the color, which Theresa identifies as "lime sherbet," makes for a striking pairing. It almost feels inevitable. The bookmark is cool and unassertive, allowing the cover to do most of the work, but providing subtle - nearly playful - hints that no matter how frightening and thrilling the plot may be, it's only a book. A Cappella offers free bookmarks in various shades. The blue, while unexciting, is a good utilitarian bet. But stay away from the Easter egg pink. We have not yet found the book it suits... though come to think of it, our foil-shiny fuchsia 1980s mass market paperback of ROGER'S VERSION is in storage and cannot be tested properly at this time. So we reserve judgement.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I am both thrilled and depressed to discover that I am FAR from the only person to spend his days "blogging" about Arnold Stang. Take a look at this random person from the "internet," for example, who claims here that Arnold Stang did the voice of "Super Pac-Man" in a cereal commercial. If this is true, the implications are earth-shattering. It would mean that PHIL OPPENHEIM'S MOM DATED TWO DIFFERENT GUYS WHO DID THE CARTOON VOICE OF PAC-MAN!
According to one place on the "internet" - so it must be true - Arnold Stang is living in a retirement community in Massachusetts. What this means to McNeil is a documentary in which he and I go on a road trip to meet Arnold Stang. We bandied about several possible titles, many of them bawdy. Later, McNeil called back. "The title should be STANG!, with an exclamation point," he said, "and the theme song is 'Start Me Up' by The Rolling Stones." I asked if we should change the words to "Stang Me Up." McNeil said no: "I already thought of that. I tried singing it out loud in my truck. It didn't sound right." To conclude, McNeil envisioned a scene in which we roam the halls of the retirement community, yelling "You've been Stanged!" for some reason. He's working that part out. (Pictured, Arnold Stang, left, with Fess Parker and Peter Lorre. You knew this day was coming!)
You won't believe what McNeil tried to pull today. He offered a theatrical promo for the 1973 feature film CANNIBAL GIRLS as today's episode of MGMIEET. He even tried to make us believe that (in his words) "Arnold Stang is smoking a cigar near the end of it." Nice ploy, McNeil, playing on our weakness for Stang. But that sort of smut doesn't wash at the "blog."
That massive, unnamed, and soulless purveyor of books says that they can ship you my new novel in "6 to 8 weeks," and that it was published earlier this year. Don't be confused by their evil ways! The truth is, they can ship it to you in 9 to 10 MONTHS because that's when it will actually be published. My minions are hard at work fixing the problem. Good day to you.
Remember when I used to fulminate against the evils of the "myspace"? Ha ha! Whew! Those were the days. Now I am Rupert Murdoch's willing lackey. It just feels so pleasant and satisfying to be brainwashed. Noting my fantastical degree of suggestibility, two of my "internet" chums - Lynn Shelton and Kent Osborne (also an actual flesh-and-blood chum in real actual life) - are waging a campaign to get me to join "facebook" so that we can "play Scrabble on the 'internet.'" THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE! There will be no "facebook" "internet" Scrabble. NOT ON MY WATCH! Very occasionally, I should write something. As things stand, I spend half my time "blogging" about why these modern kids these days don't watch STAR TREK and the other half checking to see if BEST IN SHOW's Jennifer Coolidge has agreed to be my "myspace" friend. (P.S. She has!)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Phil Oppenheim, Barry B., and I have been emailing back and forth about the great punk band The Minutemen, which brings us to the subject of today's edition of "Phil's Radio Korner," featuring Minutemen founder Mike Watt. Phil writes: "You may want to check out Mike Watt's online radio show. I think it's pretty great and wildly inconsistent, hence its greatness. Plus, every show starts with a Coltrane song." Phil goes on to clarify some of his earlier, seemingly hurtful statements on the subject of McNeil: "Your 'McNeil' chum is likely a charming fellow. I'd prefer that we not meet lest he become disappointed. Remember what happened when Buzz Aldrin got back from the moon? Like I need that on my head?" It should come as no shock that Phil's remarks had already elicited a response from McNeil, namely the claim that it was secretly McNeil, and not Phil's wife, who had founded the Phil Oppenheim Fan Club. In an unrelated story, McNeil observes that THE KIDS FROM C.A.P.E.R. is "just the kind of thing Wes Anderson would try to make fun of. FOR REAL!!" (Caps and exclamation points McNeil's.)
I continue to contemplate my stranglehold on the youth market. Things are even dicier than I expected. In today's class, I discovered that one half of my undergraduates HAVE NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF STAR TREK. (I include the guy who has seen exactly one episode thanks to his "Star Trek friend." As was probably inevitable, the episode he did see was the one in which Spock has to hurry back to his home planet for saucy purposes.) It was a relief, then, when one student made a reference to the Kubrick version of THE SHINING and everyone got it. More heartening still: one undergrad - mere hours earlier - had been watching THE SHINING with his morning coffee. A bracing way to start the day! And to conclude with the best news possible, my Wile E. Coyote reference was met with universal understanding and good cheer. I am slowly, slowly working my way up to Arnold Stang.
This just in: A cruel missive from Phil Oppenheim, dashing McNeil's hopes for an Oppenheim T-shirt. "For my birthday a couple of years ago," writes Oppenheim, "my lovely wife created a Phil Oppenheim Fan Club kit and mailed it to the house. Its contents included a membership card, a certificate, several refrigerator magnets -- and two t-shirts with 'The Phil Oppenheim Fan Club' and an appropriate (though not Jerry-Lewis-esque enough for your taste) caricature of my kisser emblazoned upon it. I have one shirt, and [Oppenheim's wife] the other. Your acquaintance 'McNeil' may beg for one, but I can assure you that he won't be getting one any time soon. It's also probably for the best if we were never to meet." Ouch! We can only observe that this missive, cruel though it may be, does validate McNeil's theory - stated in the first "link" above - that Oppenheim would wear a T-shirt with his own face on it.
Jim Whorton claims to have spotted a velvet suit in the attached video. He writes: "It doesn't look very velvety here, but I have been remembering it as velvet for...30 years?" I would only add to Mr. Whorton's observations that the second kid in the last panning shot looks an awful lot like Ray Davies of the Kinks. And finally I will amend the rules of the contest to state that anyone who finds a legitimate photograph or newspaper story featuring Arnold Stang in a velvet suit will become the automatic winner. I know I promised not to reveal any of the early entries in our Velvet Suit Contest but I'm giddy over having discovered how to do this:
No, your eyes aren't deceiving you. We've made MGMIEET even more convenient. It's just one of the ways MGMIEET is working for you. And feast your eyes on the clarity of that print!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Back when we were counting cigarette holders, the appearance of one would usually usher in a spate. It even became irritating! The same has not been the case with velvet suits. So far we have only had reports of three people wearing velvet suits: Ellen Degeneres, Peter O'Toole, and Charles Schulz. So we have decided to offer a prize to the fifth person who spots someone wearing a velvet suit. If you do your math correctly, you will reckon that we are talking about the eighth velvet suit to hit the "blog." The only rule is, you can't be looking for it. You have to be surprised by it, the way Mark Osborne was when he saw a guy with a cigarette holder at Starbucks. Okay! We're going to hold back until we get five entries, so don't think you'll be able to wait until four more velvet suits are catalogued and jump in for the win. That wouldn't be fair! Send your postcards to VELVET SUIT c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS, 38655. The winner will receive a copy of THE CITY IN HISTORY by Lewis Mumford. It's gigantic and heavy and Arnold Stang is nowhere in the index and I don't know what I was thinking when I bought it. Besides, Jane Jacobs really tore Mumford up in THE DEATH AND LIFE OF GREAT AMERICAN CITIES, in a way that made me feel I had to choose sides. And because I'm lazy and she made me laugh and nod a lot, I'm going to stick with Jane Jacobs. Finally, speaking of Charles Schulz, this new bio has a photo of him as an infant - the exact same photo that used to fascinate my little sister when she was a baby herself. It was in the introduction to a Peanuts collection I had. My sister, who was barely walking or talking, loved that picture more than she liked the colorful cartoons. She would open the book to that page and stumble around demanding that I "Kiss the baby! Kiss the baby!" and she wouldn't be happy until I kissed the photo of Charles Schulz as a baby. I still have that book. She tore the covers off and drew all over it with crayons. Okay, I've crammed a lot in here because I need to work on my new book today. Bye!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I had turned off the computer and climbed into bed to read but I had to get up because I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT ARNOLD STANG! And it's not just because I'm being paid so much money by the Arnold Stang Foundation. Did you know, for example, that one of his many credits listed on IMDB is the film HELLO DOWN THERE? Why is this important? Well, would it amaze and astound you to know that one of our very earliest MGMIEETs contained a clip from HELLO DOWN THERE? ("Click" here, then "click" again where it says "'Click' here" when you get there.) Mr. Stang does not appear in the clip, but still. Stang!
No word yet from McNeil on the MGMIEET front. So today, thanks to a grant from the Arnold Stang Foundation, we are happy to present Arnold Stang's Gold Medal International Emergency Exit Theatre. Today's episode seems to bear out Mr. Ward's callow memory of Stang's physiognomy. Stang!
McNeil called last night to confirm that his awe of Phil Oppenheim has been officially upgraded to "worship" status with the news that Phil's mom used to date Arnold Stang. McNeil demands a T-shirt with Phil's face on it. "I'm not sure who else would buy that," I said. "Phil would," McNeil replied. On the back of the T-shirt, McNeil would like to see a print-out of Phil's "blog"trospective, which would serve as a reminder of all the reasons that McNeil worships Phil. On the relationship of awe to worship, please see the deep thoughts of a talkative poet ("click" here). We will put the Phil Oppenheim "baby T" up for sale at our "blog" store, along with our Caroline Young bumper stickers. This "post" made possible in part by a grant from the Arnold Stang Foundation.
The name Arnold Stang did not "ring a bell" for the FBIL. But... "I kid you not," he writes, "my very first thought on seeing his picture was, 'He reminds me of Popeye's little suicidal Navy buddy.' Imagine my surprise when Wikipedia told me that Mr. Stang not only resembled Popeye's pal Shorty, he was also the voice of Shorty! I must have somehow subconsciously known that. Further wiki-reading reminded me that I had indeed seen (or heard) Mr. Stang in many projects over the years, from movies to commercials to cartoons and even high camp. Who could forget HERCULES IN NEW YORK? I wish I could." Lay aside such foolish wishes, FBIL! Arnold Stang is back and bigger than ever. The "blog" has received a grant from the Arnold Stang Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to restoring the concept of Arnold Stang to the American cultural consciousness. From now on it's all Arnold Stang, all the time. Let's get on the Stang train, people! Stang!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Remember how we used to count cigarette holders? What a waste of time that was! So we've decided to count velvet suits instead, in honor of Dr. "M." and her well known fondness for velvet suits. Right now I'm reading SCHULZ AND PEANUTS by David Michaelis, and last night I came across a description of the six-year-old Charles Schulz decked out in a velvet suit. I believe the passage is worth quoting: "[H]e sits on the grass of a St. Paul park, in velvet suit and Eton collar, earnestly posed under a lacquered Oriental parasol." Hey, do you know who else likes "Peanuts" besides George Saunders (as first reported on the "blog")? Kent Osborne, that's who! Look at the round head of his sad little character. I just spoke to Mike Mitchell tonight, who brought up Kent's comic out of the blue and couldn't stop talking about how good it is. Buy one and see for yourself! Check the "comment" space for a "blurb" from "yours truly"!
Okay. I have to tell you this. Mr. Ward has written in to remind me that he once interviewed Arnold Stang for his school newspaper. "Fun Fact," writes Mr. Ward: "Arnold Stang is smaller than a fairly small sized seventh grader."
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Stubby Kaye! Fred Ott! Wheeler & Woolsey! Gilbert & Sullivan! Brian Lamb! Stephen Leacock! John Qualen! William McKinley! Carol Lynley! Marty Ingels! And did you know that Alban Berg was killed by an insect bite? I ran across that little tidbit the other night in READER'S BLOCK by David Markson. It's the kind of thing I think about a lot. A lot! (Remember the fate of Allan Pinkerton, kids? You know you do!) Pictured, Marty Ingels, the cartoon voice of Pac-Man.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
"It's ten minutes long and I've already watched it six times," says McNeil of today's featured attraction. As we've clearly broken our rule against editorializing on the subject of MGMIEET, we will let you know that this one is an essential annotation to the film ONE MORE TIME, already the subject of much "blog"templation.
Friday, October 19, 2007
The "blog" often hears from its younger constituency, who whine and complain that they have never heard of the people about whom the "blog" "blogs." It was for this very reason that we once took pains to include a "link" explaining the career - indeed, the existence - of Uri Geller. Well, guess what, boys and girls? It turns out that given our nation's newfound love of televised mumbo jumbo, Uri Geller is coming to NBC. NOW who's the idiot? The "blog" is ahead of the curve, as usual.
AND... McNeil says this isn't suitable for the "blog." I'm not so sure.
Yes, the magnificent character actor who beat up Paul Newman in THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JUDGE ROY BEAN. Mr. Ward called just as I was leaving, and I had the smug pleasure of saying, "Sorry, I'm just about to walk out the door to have lunch with Anthony Zerbe." Mr. Ward, who knows all, immediately began extolling, and describing at wondrous length, Mr. Zerbe's role in the miniseries "Centennial" and the TV movie starring the rock band KISS. At lunch, the main topics of conversation were the great artists John Huston and Shakespeare, as well as Mr. Zerbe's mentorship of "blog" "fave" actor Paul LeMat, most famous for his iconic role in AMERICAN GRAFFITI. Mr. Zerbe is an excellent storyteller, as one would expect. It was a wonderful lunch, all under the auspices of Tom Franklin.
The news of Joey Bishop's demise hits home in, of all places, Hubcap City. A leader of that community writes in to say, "It's a different world." Amen, brother. Meanwhile, McNeil submits a clip of a Joey Bishop performance for MGMIEET - but it's a little too "playful" on the subject of Native America for the "blog's" refined tastes. After fruitful negotiations, McNeil is searching for something else in honor of the man.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Light "blogging" day. I've been working on the next novel (after AWESOME). Or it may turn out to be a leaflet. Still, there won't even be a MGMIEET today. McNeil cites "creative differences." He sent something in that started with Jerry Lewis making funny noises and mispronouncing things - perfect! But that bit segued into some World War II material that was a little too gloomy for the "blog." As talks were ongoing, news of Joey Bishop's death came over the wire and McNeil and I were too shaken to continue. But if you need something to occupy your mind until tomorrow, Laura Lippman's "blog" has "linked" to a long, interesting article about THE WIRE. Anyhow, there were two MGMIEETs yesterday, so everything balances out.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Theresa and I just finished watching another Mario Bava movie... HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD. Spoiler alert!!!! Hercules' answer for everything is to pick up a big rock and sling it. During the climactic battle, Theresa said, and I quote, "What's he going to do? He's running out of big rocks. Oh, there's one." I mean, he smushed Christopher Lee with a big rock. He knocked the golden apple out of the tree with a big rock. At one point he had to cross a pit of boiling lava so he tied a vine around a... big rock. And slung it, fashioning a makeshift tightrope. Nothing against Hercules! Or the movie, which was filled with pretty colors. Hey, if I was Hercules I'd be slinging big old rocks all day long.
Gales of delighted laughter from downstairs. Theresa is still researching cultural representations of Patty Hearst, currently in the form of a ragtag homemade movie by Raymond Pettibon. It's called CITIZEN TANIA. From what we have seen, it is too "racy" and full of "bad words" for the "blog." But it is right up Barry B.'s alley and we urge him to get hold of a copy as soon as possible. We're sending this movie recommendation across the "blog" waves directly to your door, Barry B. It's not available on Netflix, we already checked for you. In fact, VHS seems to be the only format in which CITIZEN TANIA is available. You always seem to be able to find this kind of stuff, so godspeed, Barry B.! Theresa acquired it through an inter-library loan (it was in Kansas!), proving that McNeil was absolutely right about the convenience of such an arrangement.
"Click" here to unravel the secrets of our popular daily feature. And because McNeil is feeling generous, please enjoy these depressing silent home movies of two of the Three Stooges.
Speaking of which, check out this heated exchange between "Pescow" and "Patrick Wayne." I am starting to love the internet!
I have discovered by accident and through my many hours of putting off starting a new novel, that there is a whole group of "friends" on MySpace (or is it a single person?) engaging in a new form of literature: the Proustian wormhole Match Game/Tattletales/Laugh-In school of multiversal internet identity-theft fan fiction. This has little or nothing to do with the Gilmore Girls School of Literature that I tried to get cranked up a while back. The interesting thing about this Match Game bunch is the way fiction and nonfiction overlap. For example, Charles Nelson Reilly really DID have a MySpace page, and many of the (assumedly!) fictional members of this new literary cult befriended him. One may bounce around from "friend" to "friend" to discover more of their ongoing story. I suggest starting with this account of Dick and Dolly Martin's tea-and-crumpet party. Gene Rayburn claims to "blog" from heaven. How many are the real deal? How many are in on the joke? What is the joke? Is it a joke? Would Borges be too strong of an allusion here? To get the full effect I recommend befriending (as I did) "Donna Pescow," whose profile is set to private. (Pictured, Borges and Donna Pescow. Or they will be. Right now something is wrong with that button. But imagine how awesome this "post" would be with hilariously contrasting photos of Borges and Donna Pescow! Yeah!)
"I know the FBIL won't believe me," writes Dr. "M.," "but I thought of that film and then forgot to include it in my list. D****it, I sound like one of my students. 'That was just what I was gonna say.' 'He said what I was gonna say.' And so on... The mention of George H. reminds me that I am freshly addicted to Dancing with the Stars. (He was on it last season for those who don't know.) That Marie Osmond--what a card. I am rooting for the Cheetah Girl. Or is it Grrrrrrl?" In answer to your question, Dr. "M.," we don't know what a Cheetah Girl or Grrrrrrl is, sorry. We are also curious about your designation of Marie Osmond as a "card" and would like to see some evidence to back it up. We remember her old TV show, on which she seemed pleasant but demure. Also, perhaps you could explain the appeal of Dancing with the Stars in greater depth, so that we will buy into it or be tempted to watch. Finally, we think you owe us some reflections on what was going on with vampires and werewolves during the Reagan years.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I am sure you all remember what a great job the FBIL did following up on the Tater Mitt story. Today he writes to remind Dr. "M." about an item that would fit right in with her recent column. "How about the granddaddy of campy 80s vampire movies, LOVE AT FIRST BITE, starring George Hamilton as a very tan Count Dracula?" he asks. Good call, FBIL! You just earned yourself a regular feature. If you apply yourself, your work will soon stand proudly beside such other efforts as "Today's Weather," "James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium," and "Bookmarkin'! with Jack Pendarvis." Dare to dream!
Welcome to a long overdue new installment of Dear Bird Correspondent. Today, the B.C. responds in an impressively rapid fashion to our most recent queries. "Sure, birds have personalities!" she writes. "I wouldn't call blue jays mean, but they're kind of bold and bossy. They will attack a cat or a snake or an owl or anything they think might be a predator, but they're less pugnacious than, say, mockingbirds. They're related to crows so are pretty smart. If I've translated your woos correctly, I think you have a great horned owl. They say 'Who's awake? Me too.' A great horned owl will totally eat your cat. But a blue jay will give an owl hell, so you should advise your cats to make friends where it counts."
Much as our TV correspondent sometimes takes a break to talk about food, or our movie correspondent may dip into a dusty volume of poesy, our Bird Correspondent, Sheri Joseph, would like to take a moment to talk about television. She writes in to say that she noticed three references to Buddy Ebsen on TV shows last week. One involved the existence of a scandalous videotape of Mr. Ebsen. That was on the show Dirty Sexy Money. "House did a whole mini-thread in which Dr. H tries to get job applicants to diagnose what killed Buddy Ebsen," writes the Bird Correspondent. "I can't remember the other! But I know I counted three in a week. I was like, what's going on with Buddy Ebsen?" Well, Bird Correspondent, we can only put your question out there for the contemplation of our movie and TV correspondents and hope for the best. Meanwhile, looking out our attic window right now, we see two squirrels chasing a woodpecker - not the kind of woodpecker the Bird Correspondent helped us identify before, but a smaller, browner kind, which reminds us. We want to ask the Bird Correspondent about the personalities of birds. Is "personality" too strong a word, in the B.C.'s opinion? Yesterday, one of our cats was looking out this same window at two enormous blue jays, which upset the cat. I seem to recall that blue jays are mean. Is that a fair assessment? Also, what did the B.C. think of the intelligent gray parrot who died recently? We meant to ask at the time. Here's a "link," in case the B.C. missed the story. Finally, the other night Theresa and I think we heard an owl right outside our window. It went, "Woo woo-woo WOO WOO woo woo-woo." Was that an owl? It was too verbose to be a whip-poor-will, which we used to hear in Alabama all the time.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Here's something I saw on TV just this very minute: a promo for Fox News. First the logo was made to look as if it had been produced graffiti-style with spray paint. Over a looping beat, the words "fox news dot com" were repeated by the digitally stuttering "sampled" voices of Brit Hume, Bill O'Reilly and Shepherd Smith. In between, there was an approximation of "scratching," so that it sounded like this: "fox-wicky wicky news-wicky dot com wicky wicky wicky wicky." In the meantime, the graphics changed into a turntable. I believe this to be a strange appropriation of hip hop culture, or maybe it's normal.
"I've discovered that eating uncured bacon results in an insatiable desire for salt," McNeil reports. On an unrelated note, one of his short stories has been rejected by the RED CEDAR REVIEW. McNeil says that if you must be rejected, RED CEDAR REVIEW is the way to go. "It's a form rejection, but signed in what looks like actual ink by the assistant editor and the managing editor," McNeil says. "They try to make you feel better about everything, telling you how much scrutiny the story was under by how many readers, and putting it in perspective by mentioning the large number of submissions they receive. It's thorough and well worded. Not painful at all. I want to start reviewing rejection slips for the 'blog.'" McNeil thinks back on his tussle with the Maryland Grape Growers Association and wonders why everyone can't be like the RED CEDAR REVIEW.
Dr. "M." has answered the call! She's back with a brand new "TV Korner," including some thoughts on supernatural TV shows, peppered with enough movie references to have me updating the recent "blog"trospective for the rest of the afternoon. There's a lot on her mind, so we'll turn it over right away to the elusive and allusive Dr. "M.": "Remember Jason Bateman in TEEN WOLF TOO, fresh from his stint on The Hogan Family?" she begins auspiciously. "There seem to have been several werewolf flix in the late 80s. Then there was that Jack Nicholson movie--was it called WOLF? And was he supposed to be a werewolf in THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK? [No. - ed.] Of course I imagine all of that started with that werewolf in London movie. I wonder if McNeil's daughter might be referring to Harry Potter and the characters of Remus Lupin and Fenrir Greyback (is that the evil werewolf's name?). As for vampires, the 80s also witnessed the explosion of vampire camp-/comedy--including one of my all-time favorites, ONCE BITTEN, and another favorite, SATURDAY THE 14th. I think the newest phase of vampires and werewolves involves a rewriting of the stereotypically ravenous, selfish beasts as selfless, conscientious do-gooders who keep their personal pain to themselves and manage it, like others in the world, by self-medicating, whether that is through imbibing a special potion created by Dumbledore or finding blood through other means than neck-biting. Similarly, those [current television] protagonists with supernatural powers, like the Ghost Whisperer or Hiro Nakamura or Journeyman, first learn to accept their powers, then use the powers for good. The powers in turn come to signal an abundance of innate goodness which is meant to give us hope during a time of war (and a bad housing market and all the other **** that George Bush has caused in the last 8 years). [We didn't say it! - ed.] The answer to why so much supernatural stuff right now... Simply put, it's a sign of the times. We are not doomed; the future is not set; there is always hope that individuals will use their powers to make a difference; evil will always exist but it can be contained and suppressed. Optimism, people, optimism. And that is Dr. M's Monday report... Seacrest out."
After resting on Sunday like Someone Else we know, McNeil is back with a new episode of MGMIEET.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
One other thing I wanted to mention about that Times article: it was titled "A Person Could Develop Occult," which, as far as I can make out, is a "pun" on the line "a person could develop a cold," from the song "Adelaide's Lament" in the Broadway classic GUYS AND DOLLS. Strange, I thought. Despite the appearance of the Salvation Army, and Stubby Kaye's number about riding on a "little boat to heaven" during the revival scene, there is very little supernatural content in GUYS AND DOLLS. It reminded me of when Tom Bissell's book THE FATHER OF ALL THINGS was reviewed in an article titled "Nam and Pop." Of course, the book really was about his father and Vietnam. So looking back, maybe I was too hard on that article's title. Which brings me to the fact (which I have perversely avoided bringing up here so far today, though the "blog" is nothing but a tawdry organ of self-promotion) that I wrote one of the book reviews in today's edition of the New York Times. There, I said it. (Pictured, Stubby Kaye, in the very scene.)
Hey, remember when that bumper sticker hurt my feelings by calling me fat? Well, today I saw one that said, "The Trouble with Baptists Is They Don't Hold Them Under Long Enough." And I thought, Wow! The driver of this car wants to drown my mom and dad! Here is a humor "tip" for my fellow liberals. Drowning my relatives isn't funny! In fact, drowning in general has seldom been mined successfully for humor. Hope this helps!
I told you. Dang! The NY Times scoops me again. The writer even mentions Bewitched, My Favorite Martian, and I Dream of Jeannie near the end, as I sort of did. (Also, my reference to camp was intended to bring DARK SHADOWS to mind; she mentions it explicitly. Finally, we both used the term ghost busters, though she made it one word.) I swear I didn't see the article before I wrote the previous "post." Could the coincidence be... supernatural??? You know how the "blog" has eerie powers that no one can understand. In any case, I still want to hear from Dr. "M.," who has surfaced recently only to complain about William Hurt's neck. Television viewers need you more than ever, Dr. "M."! And I didn't entirely buy the NY Times writer's answers, which were nearly as pat as my earlier thoughts on werewolves (no offense! The article was interesting and enjoyable). I brought up this whole supernatural TV problem to Theresa the other night, and though she is getting a Ph.D. in American studies from Emory, she was rather stumped. "It's more than just cashing in on LOST," she said. "But it's hard to say when we're this close to it." Theresa would like to wait a couple of years before jumping to any conclusions. (Her chapter on Patty Hearst, on the other hand, is becoming deeper and richer every day, the story having had time to percolate or brew or steep or something in the cultural imagination.) I feel that I should DOUBLE SWEAR as to the coincidence. I have been thinking of "blogging" something about this, McNeil's daughter's question spurred it, and only then did I see the exact same idea THIS VERY DAY in the Times. Good gravy!
We are surely not the first to notice the recent uptick in the supernatural content of network television shows. (McNeil's daughter's question put us in mind of this.) We need Dr. "M.'s" expertise on this matter! Just off the top of our head, there are people who commune with the dead, people who bring the dead back to life, numerous ghost busters and demon hunters of the Kolchak variety, superheroes, time travelers, vampires, immortals, angels, and cyborgs galore. A boom of this kind has not been seen, perhaps, since the early sixties glut of witches, Martians, genies, talking cars, and humorous or campy families of monsters. Why? Why then? Why now?
As loyal "blog" readers know, I am an expert on the free bookmarks given out by the great independent bookstores of the United States of America. In fact, we've gotten word that Turnrow Books in Greenwood, Mississippi, plans to include a "blurb" from the "blog" on the next bookmark they produce. As America's foremost bookmark critic, I am pleased to announce a real "find" at Off Square Books. (Off Square Books is just down the block from Square Books. It's where they keep graphic novels, magazines, used books, calendars, and novelty items. For some reason they also have several copies of the fine late-period John Huston film FAT CITY for about six bucks.) Yesterday at Off Square I received, along with my purchase of SHORTCOMINGS by Adrian Tomine (excerpted, like Bechdel's FUN HOME, in THE BEST AMERICAN COMICS 2007), a bookmark made explicitly for Off Square Books. I believe that in the past I have received the regular "Square Books" bookmark there. The new "Off Square" model is longer again by a third than the classic "Square Books" bookmark, making it perfect for the graphic novel format. Nothing against the old version, which is still offered at the main location - in fact, one could hardly conceive of a better companion for a mass market paperback, though it might easily become disoriented and lost in an enormous, unforgiving hardcover by Norman Mailer, Melville, or James Joyce. But the "Off Square" bookmark, while replete with whimsical graphic touches (it works almost as a parody of its more modest and elegant cousin), is a bold, assertive bookmark that can stand up to the weightiest volume. Made of high quality, thick cream-colored paper with emerald print. Four stars.
A concerned parent has written in... okay, it was McNeil, he's the only one who ever writes in. His daughter had a question: "[My daughter] mentioned that she has noticed an increase in the number of werewolf movies out this year (3?)...and we were wondering if there were any rumblings in the blogvine as to why....also, she has noticed that if there is a story about werewolves, oftentimes the author will feel compelled to include vampires for some reason. Is there any reason the blogmaster can think of why this might be so? I'll hang up and take my answer on the blog." Tell your daughter that the "blog" has not noticed an increase in werewolf movies, though we will take her word for it. Vampires always seem more popular, which baffles us. After all, the vampire seems rather nonchalant about his or her monstrousness. The vampire seems to think highly of himself or herself and dress in a flashy manner. The vampire appears to get a "kick" out of stirring up trouble with a bunch of shenanigans - floating outside someone's window, for example. The werewolf, on the other hand, is just some poor dude who can't help himself. In fact, he (in his human guise) is sometimes unaware of his werewolf status. And if he is aware, he usually feels just awful about it. We have always had a soft spot for the werewolf. The werewolf is divided and nervous. So... Maybe the country feels werewolfy right now? I have no idea what I'm talking about. As for why vampires often end up in werewolf movies - if this is indeed the case - I can only assume it is because vampires think they are so cool and sometimes their attitude rubs off on movie producers. Like, "Let's stick some vampires in there! They're cool! Werewolves just make everybody sad!" (Pictured, Oliver Reed in CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF, a typically tragic werewolf picture. He's even a werewolf as a little boy in that one! It makes you feel pitiful inside.)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Joey Lauren Adams has asked me to perform selections from Tennessee Williams with her on the Thacker Mountain radio program. We have tentatively settled on the climactic row between Maggie and Brick in CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF. Don't worry, I'll be Brick! Also don't worry because we know it will be funny... that's the point. We also tossed around the idea of STREETCAR: I practiced screaming "Stella!" last night. I thought I sounded like Jerry Lewis. It was opined by others on the scene that the effect was more like "Jerry Lewis and Jimmy Stewart had a baby." More on this breaking story as it develops. In other news, I'll be assisting again with the Hideout Bar's Christmas panto. This year's theme is a closely guarded secret, but I can reveal that Jon Langford and Kelly Hogan will be the other writers, and that the entire production will once again be under the unflinching eye of the formidable Sally Timms. (Arts, Briefly is not affiliated with the New York Times column of the same name.)
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I want to be fair to the Donovan who did play tonight, and not define him reductively as not the other Donovan he possibly could have been but wasn't. This other Donovan rocked the house with his trio. He's just a kid, and his younger brother (maybe 12, I guess) plays a phenomenal bass, while Donovan McCain (for such is his full name) picks guitar or mandolin with such fervor that the crowd tonight erupted in spontaneous and inevitable cheers several times in the MIDDLE of a song. That's right, they couldn't wait until the end to start cheering. And their second guitar player is pretty great too. So to conclude, the other Donovan is NOT just not THE Donovan, if that makes sense.
1) I was right. It is not THE Donovan. According to a Square Books spokesperson, it is "a kid named Donovan who grew up around here." 2) Tonight's episode of Thacker Mountain Radio will be broadcast from the Nutt Auditorium.
Hey, everybody, tonight is the 10th anniversary of the Thacker Mountain Radio Show, which is put on by the good people at Square Books. According to the "posted" schedule, Donovan is singing on the show tonight. I'm pretty positive it can't be THE Donovan (pictured), but I'll let you know. Because that's right, I'm honored to be reading on this special occasion from the recently completed novel. But the really good news is that Barry Hannah will do a reading. Donovan or no Donovan, THAT'S why you need to come out.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
It's not just Sally Field with whom Dr. "M." has a problem. Witness the note we received from her last night: "Why can't I stand William Hurt? He drives me bananas. Is it the perpetual crook in his neck?" she asks rhetorically.
Here is a list of every movie that has ever been "blogged" about by name on the "blog." Though a promo for the movie SCAVENGER HUNT, for example, has been "linked" to, it has not been mentioned by name and will not be included in the "blog"trospective. Okay, now it will, because I just mentioned it. But you get the picture. Though some "fave" movies may have been mentioned on the "blog" many times, there will be just one "link" to each movie. If you're not too tired you may trace any movie back to its original source on the "blog," much like a modern day John Speke. 4 FOR TEXAS---5 DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON---THE 7th VICTIM---THE 7th VOYAGE OF SINBAD---8 1/2---9---9 TO 5---42nd STREET---50 SHADES OF GREY---92 IN THE SHADE---101 DALMATIANS---2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY---ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE KEYSTONE KOPS---THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR---ACE IN THE HOLE---ADA---ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES---ADVANCE TO THE REAR---THE ADVENTURES OF ICHABOD AND MR. TOAD---THE AFRICAN QUEEN---AFTER HOURS---AGORA---ALASKA---ALIAS JESSE JAMES---ALL FALL DOWN---ALL THAT HEAVEN ALLOWS---AMARCORD---THE AMBUSHERS---AMELIE---AMERICAN GRAFFITI---AMERICAN KICKBOXER 1---AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON---ANGEL FACE---ANGELS OVER BROADWAY---ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES---ANIMAL CRACKERS---ANIMAL HOUSE---ANNIE HALL---ANOTHER STAKEOUT---ANTICIPATION (sic)---THE APARTMENT---APOCALYPSE NOW---APOCALYPTO---APPOINTMENT WITH DEATH---APRIL FOOL'S DAY---ARIZONA DREAM---ARTISTS AND MODELS---ATM---THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE---ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS---ATTACK THE BLOCK---AUDREY ROSE---AUTHOR! AUTHOR!---AUTO FOCUS---AVANTI!---BABY DOLL---BABY MAMA---BACHELOR FLAT---BACHELOR IN PARADISE---THE BAD AND THE BEAUTIFUL---BAD BLONDE---BAD NEWS BEARS---BADLANDS---BALADA TRISTE DE TROMPETA---THE BALLAD OF CABLE HOGUE---BARRY LYNDON---BARTON FINK---BASIC INSTINCT---BATMAN V SUPERMAN---BEACH PARTY---BEACHES---BEAT GIRL---BEDLAM---BEDTIME FOR BONZO---BEETLEJUICE---THE BELIEVERS---THE BELLBOY---BENJAMIN SMOKE---THE BERMUDA DEPTHS---BEST FRIENDS---BEST IN SHOW---THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES---BETWEEN TWO WORLDS---THE BIG BANG---THE BIG BUS---THE BIG COMBO------THE BIG CUBE---THE BIG LEBOWSKI---THE BIG MOUTH---BIG NIGHT---THE BIG SLEEP---THE BIGAMIST---BILL CUNNINGHAM NEW YORK---BILLY JACK---BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON---BILLY LIAR---BILLY MADISON---THE BIRDS---BIRDS DO IT---THE BISCUIT EATER---BLACK CHRISTMAS---BLACK SABBATH---BLAST OF SILENCE---BLAZING SADDLES---BLOCKHEADS---BLOOD AND ROSES---BLOOD SIMPLE---BLOW-OUT---BLUE COLLAR---BLUEBEARD (2009)---THE BLUES BROTHERS---BLUES BROTHERS 2000---THE BOATNIKS---BODY DOUBLE---BOEING, BOEING---BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES---BONNIE & CLYDE---BOTTLE ROCKET---BOY, DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER---BOYS' NIGHT OUT---BRANNIGAN---BRAZIL---BREEZY---BRICK---THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI---BRIDGE TO THE SUN---BRIGHT LEAF---BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA---BROADCAST NEWS---BROADWAY DANNY ROSE---BROADWAY MELODY OF 1938---THE BROOD---BUENA SERA, MRS. CAMPBELL---BUFFALO '66---BUFFALO BILL & THE INDIANS---BUGSY MALONE---BUNDLE OF JOY---BURN, WITCH, BURN---BUTLEY---BYE BYE BIRDIE---THE CABIN IN THE WOODS---THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI---CACTUS FLOWER---CADDYSHACK---CALIFORNIA SPLIT---CALIFORNIA SUITE---CALL ME BWANA---CANCEL MY RESERVATION---CANDYMAN: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH---CANNIBAL GIRLS---CANNONBALL RUN---CAPRICORN ONE---CAR WASH---CAREER---CARNIVAL OF SOULS---CARNY---CASABLANCA---CASANOVA---CASANOVA'S BIG NIGHT---CASINO---CASINO ROYALE (1967)---CASINO ROYALE (2006)---THE CAT AND THE CANARY---CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF---CAT PEOPLE---CATCH-22---THE CHAMP---UN CHIEN ANDALOU---CHILDREN OF PARADISE---CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT (see FALSTAFF)---CHINESE OPIUM DEN---LA CHINOISE---CHRISTMAS IN JULY---A CHRISTMAS STORY---THE CINCINNATI KID---CINDERFELLA---THE CIRCUS---CITIZEN KANE---CITIZEN TANIA---CITY FOR CONQUEST---CITY STREETS (1931)---CLAIRE'S KNEE---CLIFFHANGER---THE CLOCK---A CLOCKWORK ORANGE---CLOSE ENOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND---THE CLOWN---COCAINE: ONE MAN'S SEDUCTION---THE COCK FIGHT---COCK FIGHT, NO. 2---COLD TURKEY---COLLISION COURSE---COME EARLY MORNING---THE COMIC---COMPANY MAN (2000)---THE COMPANY OF WOLVES---CONDORMAN---CONEHEADS---CONGO---THE CONJURING---CONTAGION---CONTEMPT---CONTINENTAL DIVIDE---THE CONVERSATION---THE COOL ONES---COP AND A HALF---CORIOLANUS---THE COTTON CLUB---THE COURTSHIP OF EDDIE'S FATHER---COWBOYS AND ALIENS---CRACKING UP---CRADLE WILL ROCK---CRANK---CRASH (1996)---CRASH (2004)---THE CRAWLING HAND---CRAZY LOVE---CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE.---CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON---CRIME WAVE---CRIMSON PEAK---CRITIC'S CHOICE---THE CROSS AND THE SWITCHBLADE---THE CRUCIBLE---CRY OF THE WEREWOLF---CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE---CURSE OF THE DEMON---CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF---CYMBELINE---DAISY KENYON---A DANDY IN ASPIC---DANGER: DIABOLIK---THE DANISH POET---DARBY'S RANGERS---DAREDEVIL---THE DARK KNIGHT---DAY FOR NIGHT---THE DAY OF THE DOLPHIN---THE DAY SANTA CLAUS CRIED---THE DEAD---DEAD END---DEAD MAN---DEAD RINGERS---DEEP COVER---THE DEER HUNTER---THE DELICATE DELINQUENT---DELIVERANCE---DEMENTIA 13---THE DEPARTED---DESIGN FOR LIVING---DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN---DETOUR---DEVIL DOLL---THE DEVIL-DOLL---THE DEVIL'S BRIDE---THE DEVIL'S CABARET---DIRTY DANCING---DIRTY GRANDPA---DIRTY HARRY---DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS---DISCLOSURE---THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY---DIVORCE AMERICAN STYLE---DIVORCE, ITALIAN STYLE---DJANGO---DR. EHRLICH'S MAGIC BULLET---DOCTOR FAUSTUS---DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS---DR. STRANGELOVE---DOCTOR, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING---DR. ZHIVAGO---DOCUMENTEUR---DOGVILLE---LA DOLCE VITA---DONNIE BRASCO---DON'T LOOK NOW---DON'T MAKE WAVES---DON'T RAISE THE BRIDGE, LOWER THE RIVER---DON'T WORRY WE'LL THINK OF A TITLE---DOPPELGANGER---DOUBLE INDEMNITY---DRACULA (1931)---DRACULA (1979)---DRACULA A.D. 1972---DRACULA (Spanish language version)---DRACULA'S DAUGHTER---DREAMS---DREAMS IN THE WITCH HOUSE---THE DRESSER (TV version)---DUEL IN THE SUN---DUMB & DUMBER---DUNE---E.T.---EAST OF EDEN---ED---ED WOOD---EDDIE MACON'S RUN---EIGHT ON THE LAM---EL DORADO---ELECTRA GLIDE IN BLUE---THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN---THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK---END OF THE CENTURY---THE ENEMY WITHIN (see THE STRANGER WITHIN)---THE ENGLISH PATIENT---THE ENTERTAINER---EQUINOX---ERASER---THE ERRAND BOY---ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ---ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK---ESCAPE PLAN---EUROPEAN VACATION---EVAN ALMIGHTY---EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE---EVIL DEAD II---EXECUTIVE SUITE---THE EXORCIST---THE EXTRAORDINARY SEAMAN---EXTREME LIMITS---THE FABULOUS BAKER BOYS---A FACE IN THE CROWD---FACE OF A FUGITIVE---THE FACTS OF LIFE---FALSTAFF---FALLEN ANGEL---THE FAMILY JEWELS---FANCY CLUB SWINGER---FANCY PANTS---FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD---FARM!---FAT CITY---FATA MORGANA---FATAL ATTRACTION---THE FATAL GLASS OF BEER---FEDS---FILM---FIREWORKS WEDNESDAY---A FISH CALLED WANDA---FITZWILLY---UN FLIC---FLUFFY---FOOTLIGHT PARADE---FOR LOVE OR MONEY---FOR THE BOYS---FOR THOSE WHO THINK YOUNG---THE FORBIDDEN ROOM---THE FORBIDDEN ZONE---FOUL PLAY---FOUR ROOMS---FRANKENSTEIN---FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN---FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLFMAN---FRED OTT HOLDS A BIRD---THE FRENCH CONNECTION---FRENCH CONNECTION II---FRIGHT NIGHT (1985)---FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2---FROM BEYOND---FROM THE HIP---FROZEN (2010)---FULL METAL JACKET---FUN IN ACAPULCO---FUN WITH DICK AND JANE (1977)---FUNNY BONES---FUNNY FARM---FUNNY PEOPLE---GABLE AND LOMBARD---GANGS OF NEW YORK---GARGOYLES---THE GENERAL---GENTLEMAN JIM---THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN---GHOST RIDER---GHOST STORY---THE GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA---GHOSTBUSTERS---GIANT---GIDGET---GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN---GIGOT---THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT---THE GIRL FROM TRIESTE---GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS---GIRLFRIENDS---A GLOBAL AFFAIR---THE GODFATHER---THE GODFATHER PART II---THE GODFATHER PART III---GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933---GOLDFINGER---THE GOOD HUMOR MAN---GOOD OLD CORN---THE GOOD SHEPHERD---THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY---GOOD WILL HUNTING---GOODFELLAS---THE GRADUATE---THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL---THE GRAPES OF WRATH---THE GREAT GATSBY---THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY---GREMLINS 2---GRIZZLY---GROUNDHOG DAY---A GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN---GUMBY DHARMA---HAIRSPRAY---HAMLET (1969)---THE HANGOVER---HANNAH TAKES THE STAIRS---HAPPY-GO-LUCKY---HARD-BOILED---A HARD DAY'S NIGHT---HARDCORE---HARDLY WORKING---HARPER VALLEY PTA---HARRY AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK---HARRY RESER AND HIS ESKIMOS---THE HAUNTED HOUSE OF HORROR---THE HAUNTED STRANGLER---THE HAUNTING---HE WHO GETS SLAPPED---HEAD---HEARTBURN---HEATHERS---HEAVEN'S GATE---HELLO DOWN THERE---HERCULES IN NEW YORK---HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD----HERE COMES THE BOOM---THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON---THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY---HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL---HIGH SOCIETY---HIGHBALL---HIS GIRL FRIDAY---HIS KIND OF WOMAN---THE HOBBIT---A HOLE IN THE HEAD---HOLLYWOOD OR BUST---HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS---HOME FROM THE HILL---THE HONEYMOON MACHINE---HOOK, LINE & SINKER (1969)---HOOK, LINE AND SINKER (1930)---HOOPER---HORROR OF DRACULA---HORRORWEEN---HORSE EATING HAY---HOSTEL PART II---HOT FUZZ---THE HOT ROCK---THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES---HOUSE (1977)---HOUSE OF THE SEVEN CORPSES---HOUSE OF USHER---HOW SWEET IT IS!---HOW TO COMMIT MARRIAGE---HOW TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND RUIN YOUR LIFE---HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING---HUD---THE HUDSUCKER PROXY---HUMPDAY---HUSTLE---THE HUSTLER---I AM CUBA---I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE---I COME IN PEACE---I COULD GO ON SINGING---I LOVE YOU, ALICE B. TOKLAS!---I.Q.---I SAW WHAT YOU DID---THE ICE HARVEST---THE ICE STORM---ICEMAN---IF A MAN ANSWERS---I'LL TAKE SWEDEN---THE ILLUSIONIST---INCIDENT AT LOCH NESS---THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN---INCUBUS---INGLUOURIOUS BASTERDS---INHERIT THE WIND---INLAND EMPIRE---INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 3---INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978)---THE IRON PETTICOAT---ISLAND IN THE SKY---THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1977)---THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1996)---ISLAND OF LOST SOULS---IT'S A GIFT---IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD---IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE---JACK THE GIANT KILLER---JACKNIFE---JANE EYRE---JANE EYRE (later version)---THE JAZZ SINGER---JEFFERSON IN PARIS---JEREMIAH JOHNSON---THE JERK---JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO---JOHNNY COOL---JOHNNY EAGER---THE JOKER IS WILD---JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS---JULES ET JIM---JULIEN DONKEY-BOY---JULIUS CAESAR---JUMPING JACKS---JUNEBUG---JUNGLE JIM IN THE FORBIDDEN LAND---JURY DUTY---KALIDOR (see RED SONJA)---KARATE KID---KARATE KID PART III---KEEPING THE FAITH---KEYSTONE HOTEL---THE KID---KILL, BABY... KILL!---KILLDOZER---THE KILLERS---THE KING OF COMEDY---KING RALPH---THE KING'S SPEECH---KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS---THE KISS---KISS ME DEADLY---KISS ME, STUPID---KITTEN WITH A WHIP---KUNG FU PANDA---THE LADIES MAN---LADY FROM SHANGHAI---THE LADY FROM SOCKHOLM---LADY IN THE LAKE---LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM---LAKE MUNGO---THE LANGOLIERS---LARRY CROWNE---THE LAST DRAGON---THE LAST MARRIED COUPLE IN AMERICA---THE LAST SUNSET---THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST---LAURA---LEMORA: A CHILD'S TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL---LENNY---THE LEOPARD---LET IT RIDE (1989)---THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JUDGE ROY BEAN---LIFE OF BRIAN---LIFE OF PI---LI'L ABNER (1959)---LIMELIGHT---THE LIMEY---A LION IS IN THE STREETS---THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE---THE LITTLE PRINCE---LITTLE WOMEN (1994)---LIVE A LITTLE, LOVE A LITTLE---LIVING IT UP---LOGAN'S RUN---LONE STAR---THE LONG GOODBYE---LONG WEEKEND (1978)---LOOK IN ANY WINDOW---LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING---LORD LOVE A DUCK---THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH---LOST IN AMERICA---LOVE & DEATH---LOVE AT FIRST BITE---THE LOVE-INS---LOVE LETTERS---LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME---LOVER COME BACK---LOVIN' THE LADIES---MMACABRE---MACBETH---MADE IN PARIS---MAIDSTONE---LA MAIN DU DIABLE---THE MAJOR AND THE MINOR---MALONE---THE MALTESE BIPPY---THE MALTESE FALCON---MAN BAIT---THE MAN IN THE GRAY FLANNEL SUIT---MAN IN THE MOON---THE MAN WHO LAUGHS---THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE---THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM---THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN---THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE---MANHANDLED---MANHUNTER---THE MANITOU---MARDI GRAS---MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS---MARRY ME AT CHRISTMAS---MARTHA BEHIND BARS---MARY POPPINS---MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN---MASCULIN-FEMININ---THE MASK OF DIMITRIOS---THE MATRIX---MCCABE & MRS. MILLER---MCCLINTOCK!---MEATBALLS---MEATBALLS 4---MEET ME IN LAS VEGAS---MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID---MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. LAWRENCE---MIDNIGHT COWBOY---A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM (1935)---A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM (1968)---MILDRED PIERCE---MILLER'S CROSSING---THE MILLION DOLLAR DUCK---MILLION DOLLAR LEGS---MIRACLE ON 34th STREET---MIRAGE---MISSION TO MARS---THE MISSOURI BREAKS---MR. JEALOUSY---MR. MAGOO---MR. MAGOO IN PARIS---MR. MOM---MR. SATURDAY NIGHTMR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON---MR. SUPERINVISIBLE---MRS. SOFFEL---MIXED NUTS---MOBY DICK---MON ONCLE---MONEY FROM HOME---THE MONEY JUNGLE---THE MONEY PIT---MONKEY SHINES---THE MONKEY'S UNCLE---MONSIEUR BEAUCAIRE---MOONRISE KINGDOM---THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME---MULHOLLAND DR.---THE MUMMY'S SHROUD---MUSCLE BEACH PARTY---MY BODYGUARD---MY DINNER WITH ANDRE---MY FAVORITE BRUNETTE---MY NAME IS IVAN---MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO---THE NAKED CITY---THE NAKED FACE---THE NAKED SPUR---NAPOLEON DYNAMITE---NASHVILLE---NATURAL BORN KILLERS---THE NET---NEVER A DULL MOMENT---THE NEW KIDS---NEW YORK, NEW YORK---NIGHT AND THE CITY---NIGHT MONSTER---NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS---NIGHT OF THE HUNTER---NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD---NIGHT OF THE LOUP GAROU---THE NIGHT STALKER---THE NIGHT STRANGLER---THE NIGHT WE NEVER MET---NIGHTMARE ALLEY---NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART FIVE---NINOTCHKA---NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN---NOBODY LIVES FOREVER---NORTH BY NORTHWEST---NORTHANGER ABBEY---NOSFERATU---NOT OF THIS EARTH (1958)---NOT OF THIS EARTH (1988)---NOTHING SACRED---LA NOTTE---THE NUTTY PROFESSOR---O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU---OBSESSION---THE ODD COUPLE---OF MICE AND MEN---OFF LIMITS (1953)---OKLAHOMA---THE OMEGA MAN---ON DANGEROUS GROUND---ON THE ROAD---ON THE TOWN---ONCE BITTEN---ONCE MORE WITH FEELING---ONCE UPON A COFFEE HOUSE---ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST---ONE FROM THE HEART---ONE MORE TIME---ONLY ANGELS HAVE WINGS---THE OTHER---OUT OF THE PAST---THE OUTSIDERS---THE PALM BEACH STORY---PAPERMAN---THE PARALLAX VIEW---PARDNERS---THE PARENT TRAP---PARIS HOLIDAY---PARIS, TEXAS---PARTY GIRL (1958)---PARTY GIRL (1995)---THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST---PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID---PATERNITY---THE PATSY---PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE---PENELOPE---PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT---PERSONA---PETULIA---PHANTASM---PHFFFT---PHYSICAL EVIDENCE---PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET---PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK---PIERROT LE FOU---PILLOW TALK---THE PILOT---PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND---PINK FLAMINGOS---THE PINK PANTHER---PINOCCHIO---THE PIPE---THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM---PITFALL---PLANET OF THE APES---PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES---PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM---THE PLAYER---LE PLUS VIEUX METIER DU MONDE---POINT BLANK---POINT BREAK---POLYESTER---POP GEAR---POPEYE---POPI---PORTRAIT OF JENNIE---PRETTY IN PINK---PRETTY WOMAN---THE PRINCESS AND THE PIRATE---THE PRODUCERS---THE PRINCESS BRIDE---PROFESSOR WELTON'S BOXING CATS---PROPHECY (1979)---PSYCHO---PSYCHO (remake)---THE PUFFY CHAIR---PULL MY DAISY---PULP FICTION---PUMP UP THE VOLUME---PUNCHLINE---QUEEN OF EARTH---QUINTET---RADICAL JACK---RAIN MAN---THE RAINMAKER---RAISING ARIZONA---RAISING CAIN---RAISING HELEN---RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS!---RANCHO DELUXE---RASHOMON---RAN---RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE---RAT KILLING---RAW DEAL---RE-ANIMATOR---REAR WINDOW---RED DAWN---RED DAWN (2012)---RED EYE---RED LIGHT---RED LIGHTS---RED PLANET---RED RIVER---RED SONJA---REGARDING HENRY---THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT---REMEMBER THE NIGHT---RESCUE DAWN---THE RETURN OF DRACULA---RHINESTONE---RICHARD III---RICHIE RICH---RICOCHET---RIDERS OF THE PURPLE SAGE---RING OF FEAR---RIO BRAVO---RIO GRANDE---RISKY BUSINESS---ROAD HOUSE---THE ROAD TO HONG KONG---THE ROAD TO SINGAPORE---THE ROAD TO UTOPIA---ROBIN HOOD (1973)---ROCK-A-BYE BABY---ROCKY II---ROGUE COP---ROLLERCOASTER---ROMEO AND JULIET---THE ROOM---ROUNDERS---RUMOR HAS IT---RUNAWAY BRIDE---THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!---SAILOR BEWARE---SALT AND PEPPER---SAMSON AND DELILAH---SANDY WEXLER---SANTA CLAUS (1959)---SANTA WITH MUSCLES---THE SATAN BUG---SATISFACTION---SATURDAY THE 14th---SATURN 3---SATYRICON---SAVING PRIVATE RYAN---SAWDUST AND TINSEL---SAY ANYTHING---SCARED STIFF---THE SCARLET LETTER---SCAVENGER HUNT---SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE---SCHOOL TIES---SCOOBY-DOO---SCREAM OF FEAR---SCREAMERS---THE SEA HAWK---THE SEARCHERS---SECOND FIDDLE TO A STEEL GUITAR---SECONDS---SEMI-TOUGH---SEND ME NO FLOWERS---SENIOR PROM---THE SENTINEL---A SERIOUS MAN---THE SET-UP---THE SEVEN LITTLE FOYS---SEVEN SAMURAI---SEVEN SINNERS---SHAKE HANDS WITH DANGER---SHAMUS---SHANE---THE SHEPHERD OF THE HILLS---THE SHINING---THE SHINING HOUR---SHIP OF MONSTERS---SHORT CUTS---SICARIO---THE SILENCE---THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS---SILVER LODE---SIMON OF THE DESERT---SINGIN' IN THE RAIN---SISTER ACT---SISTERS---SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2---SKIDOO---SLAP SHOT---SLAPSTICK (OF ANOTHER KIND)---SLEEPING BEAUTY---SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY---THE SMALL MAGNETIC HAND---SMOKES & EARS---SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT---SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT II---THE SNEEZE---SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES---SNOWBOARD ACADEMY---SNOWPIERCER---SO LONG AT THE FAIR---THE SOCIAL NETWORK---SOIGNE TA DROITE---SOME KIND OF A NUT---SOMEONE I TOUCHED---SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES---SOMETHING WILD---SON OF DRACULA---THE SOUND AND THE FURY---THE SOUND OF MUSIC---THE SPIDER---SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS---THE SPY WHO LOVED ME---STALAG 17---A STAR IS BORN (1937)---A STAR IS BORN (1954)---STAR TREK (2009)---STAR WARS---STARDUST MEMORIES---STARFLIGHT: THE PLANE THAT COULDN'T LAND---STEAMBOAT ROUND THE BEND---STEEL MAGNOLIAS---STEP BROTHERS---THE STEPFATHER---STOLEN KISSES---STONER---THE STOOGE---THE STORY OF WILL ROGERS---LA STRADA---THE STRANGER---THE STRANGER WITHIN---THE STRANGER WORE A GUN---STRANGERS ON A TRAIN---STRIKING DISTANCE----THE STUFF---THE SUNDOWNERS---SUNSET BOULEVARD---THE SUNSHINE BOYS---SUPERDAD---SUPERMAN III---SUSAN SLADE---SUSAN SLEPT HERE---SWAMP THING---SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH---THE SWEET RIDE---THE SWINGER---SWITCH---TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE---THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE---THE TARNISHED ANGELS---TAXI DRIVER---TEACHER'S PET---TEEN WITCH---TEEN WOLF---TEEN WOLF TOO---THE TEN COMMANDMENTS---TEN THOUSAND BEDROOMS---TEQUILA SUNRISE---THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE---TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE IV---THAT HAGEN GIRL---THAT THING YOU DO!---THAT'S MY BOY---THAT'S MY BOY (2012)---THEODORA: IMPERATRICE DE BYZANCE---THEREMIN: AN ELECTRONIC ODYSSEY---THERE'S A GIRL IN MY SOUP---THEY ALL LAUGHED---THEY CAME TO ROB LAS VEGAS---THEY GOT ME COVERED---THE THIEF OF BAGDAD---THIEVES' HIGHWAY---THE THIRD MAN---THIS IS MY LIFE---THIS IS SPINAL TAP---THIS IS THE END---THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR---THREE FOR BEDROOM C---THREE FUGITIVES---THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973)---THREE ON A COUCH---THREE RING CIRCUS---THREE VIOLENT PEOPLE---THE THRILL OF IT ALL---THRONE OF BLOOD---THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT---TIME AFTER TIME---TIME BANDITS---A TIME TO KILL---THE TITANIC---TO SIR WITH LOVE---TO THE DEVIL A DAUGHTER---TOAST OF NEW ORLEANS---TOKYO DRIFTER---TOMMY---TOO LATE BLUES---TOO LATE FOR TEARS---TOP BANANA---TOPSY-TURVY---TORMENTED---TORPEDO RUN---TORRID ZONE---TOUCH OF EVIL---TOUGHER THAN LEATHER---TRAPEZE---TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE---TREES LOUNGE---TRESPASS----THE TRIAL---THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK---TRILOGY OF TERROR---TRON---THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS---THE TROUBLE WITH GIRLS---TRUE CONFESSION---TRUE GRIT (1969)---TRUE GRIT (2010)---TRUE STORIES---TURNER & HOOCH---TWILIGHT---TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE---TWISTER---TWISTER'S REVENGE---TWIXT---TWO-BITS & PEPPER---THE TWO FACES OF DR. JEKYLL---TWO-LANE BLACKTOP---U.F.O---UNCLE KENT---THE UNDEAD (1957)---UNDER THE VOLCANO---UNDER THE YUM YUM TREE---UNDERGROUND---UNION DEPOT---UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (1971)---UNSUCCESSFUL SOMERSAULT---UP IN THE AIR---UPPERSEVEN---THE VAMPIRE---THE VAMPIRE LOVERS---THE VERDICT---VERNON, FLORIDA---VERTIGO---A VERY SPECIAL FAVOR---THE VILLAIN---THE VIRGIN SPRING---VIRIDIANA---VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET---VIVA ZAPATA!---WAITING FOR GUFFMAN---WAKE ME WHEN IT'S OVER---WAKE OF THE RED WITCH---WALK, DON'T RUN---WALL-E---WALL STREET---THE WASP WOMAN---THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS---WAY OUT WEST---WAY... WAY OUT---W.C. FIELDS AND ME---WE ARE STILL HERE---WE GO WAY BACK---A WEDDING---WEE WILLIE WINKIE---WEEKEND---WEIRD SCIENCE---WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT---WEST SIDE STORY---WHAT A WAY TO GO!---WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT---WHAT'S UP DOC---THE WHEELER DEALERS---WHEN MICHAEL CALLS---WHERE THE TRUTH LIES---WHICH WAY TO THE FRONT?---WHIFFS---WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING---THE WHITE DIAMOND (2004)---WHITE DIAMOND (2007)---WHITE HEAT---WHO FEARS THE DEVIL?---WHO WAS THAT LADY?---WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?---WHO'S MINDING THE MINT?---WHO'S MINDING THE STORE?---THE WICKER MAN---WIFE WANTED---THE WILD AFFAIR---THE WILD BUNCH---THE WILD, WILD PLANET---WILL PENNY---WILLIE AND PHIL---WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY---WIND ACROSS THE EVERGLADES---WINTER LIGHT---THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK---WITH SIX YOU GET EGGROLL---THE WIZARD OF OZ---WOLF---THE WOLF OF WALL STREET---WOLFEN---THE WOLFMAN---A WOMAN IS A WOMAN---WOMAN ON THE RUN---WOMAN TIMES SEVEN---A WOMAN UNDER THE INFLUENCE---THE WORLD OF HENRY ORIENT---THE WRECKING CREW---WRITTEN ON THE WIND---WUTHERING HEIGHTS---X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES---X, Y & ZEE---XANADU---X-MEN: FIRST CLASS---YOUNG MR. LINCOLN---YOUR CHEATIN' HEART---YOU'VE GOT MAIL---ZARDOZ