All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

That's right, boys and girls! It's time for another action-packed edition of "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up." There's nothing you like better than an inside look at the all-star world of celebrity entertainment, and "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up" is your one place on the "internet" for all the latest news about the hottest entertainment celebrity stars! ITEM! Are you like me? Do you lie in bed wondering whether craggy tough-guy actor Sterling Hayden went to the funeral of Marshal Tito? Then this is your lucky day! McNeil is not the only one who sends me long clips about Canadian defense ministers who believe in UFOs and Jack Palance's painfully reluctant plug of his cop show BRONK. My friend the Hollywood producer - yes, he exists, he is not imaginary, shut up! - sent me a ten-minute youtube clip ("click" here - you know you're dying to!) that answers all your most burning questions! As a bonus, marvel at Sterling Hayden's godlike two-pronged beard, and relish the part where he explains his headband and his cane! ITEM! This reminds me of the time that Mr. Ward and I went on the "press junket" for a film called BLUES BROTHERS 2000, a sequel to the original Blues Brothers movie. We were interviewing John Goodman and Dan Aykroyd, and we thought it would be really clever to ask them things no one else would think to ask. For example, we asked which historical figures would make good Blues Brothers. That question made no sense! But we didn't care because we were so clever! So Dan Aykroyd stared at us like we were idiots - which in retrospect we probably were! - and said in a very deadpan way, "Marshal Tito." It was hilarious and put us in our place and we enjoyed it. We were like, "Thank you, sir, may I have another?" ITEM! I just remembered this! The BLUES BROTHERS 2000 press junket took place at the Essex House hotel in New York City. I was waiting for Mr. Ward in the bar when I witnessed former Nixon speechwriter turned actor Ben Stein (pictured) trying to "pick up" a woman who was much too young for him, in my opinion, but it's none of my business! One of Ben Stein's "pickup lines" was "I have my own game show." Hey, maybe I'm imagining all this! No offense, Ben Stein! The incident - IF it occurred! - made its way into a short story in my second book YOUR BODY IS CHANGING. Is "pickup" slanderous? Maybe Ben Stein was just harmlessly flirting! That's not a crime, is it? Or maybe he was making conversation to pass the time as innocently as can be or maybe nothing happened at all! By the way, Ben Stein had nothing to do with BLUES BROTHERS 2000 - he just happened to be in the Essex House bar. ITEM! And that just made me remember something that made it into my first book, THE MYSTERIOUS SECRET OF THE VALUABLE TREASURE: Once upon a time, MTV optioned a sitcom pilot that Mr. Ward and I wrote. It got into the rehearsal stages before it lay down on the floor and died. But we had to hire actors. That guy Shia Labouef auditioned, and we picked him for the lead role, but he had just signed up to do a feature film - one of his first, I think, if not the very first. So we had to go with our second choice, who by coincidence - this was a few years later - had portrayed the "little kid Blues Brother" (pictured, below) from the movie BLUES BROTHERS 2000. Yes, just one of the unfortunate things about BLUES BROTHERS 2000 was that someone decided there had to be a little kid Blues Brother in it. ITEM! And now I just remembered that Mr. Ward and I were on an escalator after a press screening of BLUES BROTHERS 2000 and Mr. Ward was shouting "The musical numbers were LEADEN! LEADEN!" and I turned back to respond and who should be standing behind Mr. Ward on the escalator - unbeknownst to Mr. Ward! - but Paul Shaffer, the man responsible for the musical numbers in BLUES BROTHERS 2000! That's it for this edition of "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up." Until next time, keep "reaching" for the "stars"!

This Man Was Never On Bronk

You are eager to know how I slept last night. Not well! Luckily I saw an infomercial that told me how every problem is caused by inflammation but don't worry! Just drink this cactus juice they want to send you. It's hot where cacti live, the infomercial points out. So just imagine their juice! It must help inflammation! And all your problems will go away forever, because everything that is wrong with you can be boiled down to one word: inflammation. Inflammation is "the secret killer" as doctors have noted in national magazines, says the infomercial. But I was confused because another infomercial last night told me that my feet are the cause of all the trouble! What I need is this thing to put in my shoe. It is made partly with "nanosilver." That's better than regular silver! What does nanosilver do? Takes away the stink! But the main thing is that every problem you have comes from your terrible feet, which can be healed by this thing you put in your shoe. The latter infomercial was hosted from the Mall of America by an actor I have seen a million times (pictured). I wonder if he was on BRONK! I will check. He looks like the kind of guy who might have been on BRONK as a youngster. Nope, but he was in THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS! That fact goes out to "D. From Atlanta," who will care. The actor kept saying things like, "That's the way it is right now, in 2008!" The last thing I saw was a former ambassador to the U.N., you know the guy, the one with the funny moustache, yeah, him, on Fox News. He was on a late-night program talking about Lindsay Lohan! And then my TV literally refused to keep working. The satellite shut itself down for "maintenance," I swear. My TV was like, "Enough is enough!" It was like, "I can't take it anymore!"

Enemy of Bronk

In the BRONK episode "Wheel of Death," Bronk's enemy is a motorcycle daredevil! I found that out on the "internet."

Put Your Bronk Into It

I am pretty upset. Last night I saw the young woman who eats dry oatmeal and she asked me, "What's Bronk?" WHAT'S BRONK? This indicated that she has paid scant attention to the "blog"! Perhaps she has skimmed it, even! SKIMMED IT! Perhaps she did not patiently "click" back over every single "Bronk link" until she reached the one that introduces BRONK into the lexicon. That's the trouble with the kids these days, always go go go. I hate to think of what the world is coming to. Also, I had to publicly explain BRONK in a group of people, which felt uncomfortable somehow, like talking about my most personal and private ailments of the body and soul! Pictured, BRONK star Jack Palance as Dracula. Or should I say Bronkula? Huh? Huh? Should I?

If It Ain't Bronk Don't Fix It

BRONK! I bet you thought I forgot about BRONK. But I think about it so much. BRONK. For example, remember when I mentioned a person named Joanna Moore the other day? I just found out she appeared on an episode of BRONK entitled "The Ordeal." Other BRONK episodes included "Wheel of Death," "Echo of Danger" and "Bargain In Blood."

Bronk Frenzy

I have taken to the twitterwaves, whipping a nation hungry for entertainment into a frenzy of BRONK. "Click" here for but one example. Say, do you prefer your BRONK on the lighter side? Stay tuned for my upcoming mass market paperback original "Jokes For Bronk Lovers," coming soon to a drugstore spinner near you.

Honk If You Love Bronk

...would be a great picket sign for our big event to convince the networks to bring back BRONK!

Kitty Gets a Hug

"Click" here for the opening credits of BRONK! Oh, come on! Like you've got something else to do. Jack Palance clamps a pipe in his mouth and checks the chambers of his gun. In each little chamber he sees a tiny version of himself! And one of them is hugging a cat!

Bronk Revival

McNeil and I are going to go down to CBS headquarters or ABC headquarters or wherever it is with some picket signs that say BRING BACK BRONK! I've tried to chant it in a phone message to McNeil, but it is a difficult thing to chant. Maybe one sign will say BRING BACK BRONK and the other will say I'VE GOT BRONK-ITIS! Join us? Or maybe we will draw a devastating editorial cartoon where we are whacking a TV executive over the head with a picket sign and the sound effect is "BRONK!"

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

Welcome once again to "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up," your one place on the "internet" for all the latest excitement and happenings of the stars! ITEM! Jack Palance fever sweeps the nation! Yesterday's "blog" "post" about Jack Palance sent a stunned nation scurrying to its keypads. ITEM! Remember the man called Sepsey, who once met Ruth Buzzi at a bookstore? Jack Palance once came into that same bookstore! Reports Sepsey: "When this guy asked Jack Palance for his autograph, Jack Palance [refused, replying], 'I’m not an actor anymore.' ... Yet not two months later, here’s Jack Palance in a mattress commercial. Acting!" ITEM! McNeil has been on the youtube, reliving fond memories of Jack Palance. He sends along a nine-minute clip I defy you to watch! It's from the Johnny Carson show. Jack Palance complains that Steve Allen used to pay him in small television sets instead of money. He explains into which part of a pipe the tobacco is supposed to go. He grudgingly gives faint praise to his television series BRONK, which he is there to promote, though he won't admit it somehow. He talks about a TV show he watched that morning (Barbara Walters interviewing Tennessee Williams!). He tells the same story about where he got his pipe TWICE! The kinds of things that would have been on Jack Palance's "blog." There, now you don't have to watch it. That's it for today from all your friends at "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up." Until next time, keep "reaching" for the "stars"!