Wednesday, September 22, 2010
This Man Was Never On Bronk
You are eager to know how I slept last night. Not well! Luckily I saw an infomercial that told me how every problem is caused by inflammation but don't worry! Just drink this cactus juice they want to send you. It's hot where cacti live, the infomercial points out. So just imagine their juice! It must help inflammation! And all your problems will go away forever, because everything that is wrong with you can be boiled down to one word: inflammation. Inflammation is "the secret killer" as doctors have noted in national magazines, says the infomercial. But I was confused because another infomercial last night told me that my feet are the cause of all the trouble! What I need is this thing to put in my shoe. It is made partly with "nanosilver." That's better than regular silver! What does nanosilver do? Takes away the stink! But the main thing is that every problem you have comes from your terrible feet, which can be healed by this thing you put in your shoe. The latter infomercial was hosted from the Mall of America by an actor I have seen a million times (pictured). I wonder if he was on BRONK! I will check. He looks like the kind of guy who might have been on BRONK as a youngster. Nope, but he was in THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS! That fact goes out to "D. From Atlanta," who will care. The actor kept saying things like, "That's the way it is right now, in 2008!" The last thing I saw was a former ambassador to the U.N., you know the guy, the one with the funny moustache, yeah, him, on Fox News. He was on a late-night program talking about Lindsay Lohan! And then my TV literally refused to keep working. The satellite shut itself down for "maintenance," I swear. My TV was like, "Enough is enough!" It was like, "I can't take it anymore!"