Hole to Hole

Based on contextual evidence from my precious, precious diary, I must have gone back to Square Books on January 4th. I know this because I had lunch with Tom Franklin that day, and I never go to the square without making some time for the bookstore. I also have noted in my diary that a young person stopped me to take my photograph that day because he liked the hat that Katie made for me. And I remember being on the sidewalk at that moment, headed for Square Books. But that is not what I want to tell you about. But it is a pretty nice hat. Anyway, it must have been on January 4th - though the diary does not explicitly state as much - that I picked up RAMAYANA, the adaptation by William Buck. I did so because when I saw it, I recalled the high esteem in which Lee Durkee holds William Buck. My diary goes on to tell me that I finally began reading the book early in our week of being snowed in. But what I've been saving just for you is that last night I read the part where Rama is (spoiler alert!) exiled from the city, and his chariot driver predicts that as a result "these broad ways will be the paths where wild cats and owls roam. Rats will crawl and cunning snakes will slither from hole to hole." If you ask me, the cats and owls should take care of the rats and snakes, but what do I know? In conclusion, I was once again given to wonder why every book has an owl in it, as you can see for yourself by "clicking" here. In further conclusion, allow me to share a fascinating detail not included in the diary: the young person took my photo not with his phone, but with a clunky old-time camera such as Jimmy Olsen might have used.

Regarding Plovers' Eggs

I'm sure you've been wondering whether there was any controversial fallout over yesterday's plovers' eggs "post." As a matter of fact, novelist Jeff Abbott introduced me to a storyline in which Jimmy Olsen is called upon to rustle up some plovers' eggs (see above). The tale introduced a young Jeff Abbott to the concept of plovers and their eggs and he never forgot it.

Quicksand Face and the Space Wolves

I tried to take a picture of Jimmy Olsen for you yesterday, but there was too much glare on it or something. Anyway, old Jimmy Olsen had got himself stuck in some quicksand and pretty soon only his face was poking out and he was thinking, "MAYBE SUPERGIRL WILL SAVE ME... THE WAY SHE RECENTLY SAVED ME FROM THE SPACE-WOLVES!" Yep, that's Jimmy Olsen for you, just sinking away in the quicksand, doing absolutely nothing but dreaming away the few moments he has left. His eyes are closed and he looks so pitiful. But then again I guess we're all like Jimmy Olsen from time to time... oh how I despise myself for "blogging." My other favorite panel from the old comic books I read yesterday was Dr. Mid-Nite getting punched in the gut by a four-year-old kid. Spectacular! First he sees this kid pulling a lamppost out of the ground and thinks he must be hallucinating. But then the kid gives him a good whack. Says Dr. Mid-Nite, "PARDON ME, SONNY -- WOULD YOU MIND -- OOOF!" And he realizes within his thought bubble, "THAT SETTLES THAT! I COULD NEVER FANTASIZE SO MUCH PAIN!" Ha ha, that's a weird way to put it, Dr. Mid-Nite. The way I recollect it, Dr. Mid-Nite used to hang out with Hourman, and even as a kid I wasn't much impressed with either of them. I was trying to describe Hourman (pictured) to Dr. Theresa the other day, causing her to make a bawdy contemporary cultural reference which you will perhaps soon understand as you continue reading and think about it. For you see, in order to have superpowers, Hourman had to take a pill every hour! And he wore an hourglass around his neck to remind him when to take his pill! So his name and his costume and indeed his very identity are based on his weakness. He wears his own mortality as a decoration around his neck! But gee aren't we all a lot like Hourman when you think about it? And now goodbye forever.

Sad Sad Superman

Having mentioned Superman's sad expression on that old comic book cover, I am reminded of the time he said, "'HEART OF STEEL' -- HUH? THEN -- WHY AREN'T THESE TEARS METAL? WHY DO THEY BURN SO?" and also the time that Jimmy Olsen provoked Superman until he burst into tears then collected his tears in a vial for reasons known only to Jimmy Olsen.

Cultural Studies

You know, I've got so much culture my head is about to explode. So welcome to our new feature "Cultural Studies" where I see what's going on with the culture and then we study it I guess. CULTURE! Called McNeil yesterday to discuss the death of Mr. Sas, who invented the electronic football game that McNeil hates so much with a violent hatred, as I know from my years of Advanced McNeil Studies. But McNeil is classy and did not put down Mr. Sas or in any other way revel in his demise. "That's a terrible game," stated in a calm, flat voice, free of personal animosity, was the extent of McNeil's negativity on the solemn occasion in question. Do you know about electric football? As the obituary for Mr. Sas in the New York Times puts it, it's "a device that propelled figures across a metal surface using vibrations created by a small motor." Still can't picture it? Let me see if I can find a "clip" on "youtube." McNeil much preferred Mattel's "Talking Football" board game, which I believe commanded the players through a series of little records. McNeil's neighbor up the street had the Talking Football game. Can't picture that either? Back to youtube! Speaking of which: CULTURE! Gary, an MFA student of mine, made the following bold statement on the twitter last night: "Twister is about morality the best I can tell." Now, I was certain he meant the pre-packaged party game, but I jokingly twitter-tweeted him back to ask whether he meant the movie or the game. He meant the movie! But conceded that the game was also steeped in moral considerations. Or was he just humoring me? Don't tell me, world, that you have forgotten the pre-packaged party game Twister. Oh, okay, I will find that for you on youtube, too! That makes three youtube clips you need to "click" on. Keep track! CULTURE! Dr. Theresa and I went to see TWISTER (the movie) upon its initial release at Atlanta's Starlight Drive-In Theater with our friend Caroline. CULTURE! Caroline was back at Snackbar this morning. WHAT? Snackbar in the morning? You heard right! It was about culture. Caroline read her poetry at a special literary breakfast. A LITERARY BREAKFAST! Such a thing is almost perverse it's so cultural. LITERATURE AT BREAKFAST. That's how much culture we have around here. We can hardly stand it! Much of Caroline's awesome poetry this morning was about her old neighborhood of Cabbagetown and our late friend Benjamin. And speaking of Snackbar last night, remember how Drew gave me an eye dropper containing Dean Martin's scent? I could just kick myself for not including a "link" somewhere in THAT "post" to my old "post" about Jimmy Olsen collecting Superman's tears in a similar container. SUPERMAN'S TEARS! That would be another good name for this new regular feature. But I know you never "click" on my "links." Like, you never "click" on this one to my list of EVERY MOVIE I HAVE EVER "BLOGGED" ABOUT ON THE "BLOG," including TWISTER. You should really be ashamed of yourself. It is so full of culture. And just look at all these "links" just in this one "post," all of them simply bursting with oodles of culture. But I don't care. I do this BECAUSE it is useless. And we call that... CULTURE! Speaking of Superman, I just happened to come across a passage in George Plimpton's boxing book where he describes the cover of a Superman comic book: "Superman was shown throwing a villain off a rocket ship; the villain's fedora remained firmly affixed to his head. 'Superman's gone mad!' the man was shouting as he spread-eagled into space." That reminds me of Charles Portis's character Norwood and his thoughts on Superman and Scrooge McDuck. CULTURE!

Good Night Rats

I have lots of leftover bits from John Aubrey to give you: He describes Sir John Popham as "a huge, heavie, ugly man" ("I have seen his picture," he notes) and says that Sir John's son "lived like a hog." Sir Everard Digby (father of Venetia Digby's husband), on the other hand, was "the handsomest man in England... 'Twas his ill fate to suffer in the powder-plott. When his heart was pluct out by the executioner (who... cryed 'Here is the heart of a traytor!') it is credibly reported, he replied, 'Thou liest!'" Sir Henry Lee "was never maried, but kept woemen to read to him when he was a bed... But his dearest deare was Mris. Anne Vavasour." He had an effigy of Mistress Vavasour placed on his grave, and "some bishop did threaten to have this monument defaced." Poor Sir Charles Cavendish "was a little, weake, crooked man" who went around the world collecting rare mathematical texts, "which he intended to have printed... But he died of the scurvey" and his wife "sold the incomparable collection aforesaid by weight to the past-board makers for wast paper." Aubrey calls this "A good caution for those that have good MSS. to take care to see them printed in their life-times." Speaking of Venetia Digby, the reference to "viper-wine" in her chapter caused me to search out this old recipe for viper wine on the "internet." It has vipers in it. The "blogger" says that Venetia's husband wrote "the earliest collection of fermented drink recipes that we know... When his beloved wife Venetia died suddenly it was widely believed that he had accidentally poisoned her with the viper wine that he gave her to preserve her beauty." So that adds a few layers to Aubrey's account, and really, what was Aubrey but a "blogger"? But not everything is about John Aubrey. For example, today I found this picture of Jimmy Olsen being harassed by a beatnik. And then for some reason I read an article about scientists studying the dreams of rats. And so good night. Good night, little rats! (Jimmy Olsen panel via the Silver Age Comics "blog" - hours of fun!) PS: What do rats dream about? They dream about running in a circular maze, say scientists who put them in a circular maze, and they also dream about "standing still."

Perhaps

I've been thoroughly enjoying Grant Morrison's SUPERGODS, a swift, personal, and very funny history of comic book superheroes (well, that's what it seems like at first), including perceptive and hilarious asides on such old "blog" "faves" as Jimmy Olsen and The Red Bee: "for Rick Raleigh, only one thing guaranteed his crucial edge over the violent underbelly of society: the hive of trained crime-fighting bees he kept confined in the buckle of his belt... the lead bee and chief offensive weapon in Raleigh's apian arsenal was somewhat endearingly named Michael." But Morrison isn't content merely to poke fun at The Red Bee. He finds it sweet how the Golden Age of comics rediscovered that "Bees could be special, just as they were in medieval illuminated texts and mysteries." There was an early passing reference to George Adamski in the book and I thought, "Hmm, where did I just hear that name?" And then I remembered: JIM MOSELEY'S BOOK OF SAUCER NEWS! Uh-oh! I put the coincidence out of my mind. But about 250 pages in, Morrison suddenly starts going all John Dee on me, laying out autobiographical details about "the darker magical operations I was undertaking" (!) and throwing around sentences worthy of HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE, like "Now there were what I can describe only as 'presences' emerging from the walls and furniture. Perhaps someone else would call these rippling, dribbling blobs of pure holographic meta-material angels or extraterrestrials." Perhaps! Can't I get away from this stuff? Remember, he's not talking about comic books anymore. THIS IS HIS REGULAR LIFE. He meets some aliens who seem to be made of neon tubes, then his "silvery blob" friends show him "the secret of the universe," which I don't feel is my place to spoil for you here. Later - in an episode very similar to one that Barry Hannah wrote and talked about a great deal - Morrison gets very sick and goes to the hospital and has a mystical vision of Christ! Anyway, I didn't see that coming. Did you?

As Jimmy Looks On Piteously

Look! In case the word balloons are too small for you to read, allow me to explain: Jimmy Olsen bought Superman a bathrobe for Father's Day! So that's weird. What's weirder is that Superman is burning a hole in it with his heat vision as Jimmy looks on piteously. I had a whole long "post" - not involving Superman or Jimmy Olsen in the least - for which this was a perfect illustration. But I deleted the "post." So what was I supposed to do, waste this? Also here is Superman gorging himself on like a million hamburgers. Oh yeah? What do you do with your life? Help sick babies or something? Well, yes, that is probably better than looking up funny pictures of Superman on the "internet." I am going to lie down and think about things.

Friends of Jimmy

I should mention that I found that Pat Boone panel on the "web" site of someone named "Bitter Andrew." It seems we share certain interests. Why, just yesterday, even as I was appropriating his panel, he "posted" something featuring our old friend Jimmy Olsen. You know I am afraid to "link" you to the "web" sites of strangers because there are so many crazy people on the "internet" waiting to get you, but I don't know, this guy seems okay, and credit where credit is due and all that.

World's Finest Hot Dogs

While I was searching the "internet" for a picture of Lex Luthor to go with that last "post," which is how I choose to spend the few precious moments the Lord has given me, I came across this gallery of covers from WORLD'S FINEST, which was (is?) a comic book in which Batman and Superman teamed up every month. These covers were almost as weird as the Jimmy Olsen covers I showed you a while back - ALMOST! The one I have chosen to represent here is not even the weirdest, maybe, though Superman is roasting hot dogs with his eyes (a shockingly common theme) and Batman is taking a nap on the ground in full costume. Speaking of Lex Luthor, even as a little kid I never bought the story (see previous "post") that he was Superman's mortal enemy because back when they were schoolmates Superman blew all his hair off. See also.

Every Teardrop Is Precious To Me

Turns out it is easy to find Jimmy Olsen acting crazy on the "internet," and why would I want to do anything else with my life? I do it for you! Here he is making Superman watch a sad movie, and catching the Man of Steel's resulting tears in a pipette, of course. Why not? And he is grinning maniacally. And he is saying, "Every teardrop is precious to me."

We Hate Money

You can see this for yourself but I am going to describe it anyway. Hippies are throwing rotten eggs at Superman! One protester's sign says "Superman Is a Freak-Out!" (Exclamation point his.) Another sign says, "We hate money!" I got this cover from the same "web" site that treated me to Superman's obscure powers (and the picture of him watching TV and gorging himself). And wait! A more thorough examination reveals that it's not just ANY protester tossing a rotten egg at Superman! It's lovable Jimmy Olsen in a purple velvet jacket, frilly sleeves, and a filthy beard! Jimmy, what happened? You should check out this guy's entire "superheroes vs. hippies" "post." See hippies from the future throw rotten eggs at Green Lantern!

LiterJerry Matters

I tried to hold it off as long as I could, but it is time to discuss more "Literary Matters," which of course are the worst kind of matters in the world. Everybody hates literary matters! And really, everybody is right. Sometimes I try to liven them up by tossing in some "LiterJerry Matters." Those are literary matters that involve Jerry Lewis. I believe there are a couple of those today. So - although not all of our literary matters are "LiterJerry Matters" - I will emphasize Jerry in the title of this "post" to make it more palatable as we all do our best to get through our five literary matters for today. 1) Sepsey alerted me to an interview that Mike Sacks did with the fancy comic book artist Daniel Clowes. In it, Clowes says of THE KING OF COMEDY: "Jerry Lewis was so amazing in that role: constricted, angry, very close to losing control." (It is also revealed that Clowes, like the "blog," is fascinated by Jimmy Olsen.) I had already read Mr. Sacks's interview with the great cartoonist Roz Chast. Both the Chast and Clowes interviews were conducted for - but not included in - AND HERE'S THE KICKER, a book in which Mr. Sacks talks to several humor writers about their craft. Naturally, I had to buy it to see if there were more Jerry references... and there were! In fact, I learned from AND HERE'S THE KICKER that Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais cite THE KING OF COMEDY as one of the primary inspirations for the humor in the original version of THE OFFICE, which they created. 2) It's a big week for THE KING OF COMEDY. The film, and Jerry's performance in it, is also praised in tomorrow's New York Times. I choose to think of this as a literary matter. A newspaper is sort of literary, right? 3) My new novel (SHUT UP, UGLY) comes out soon. (Jimmy Olsen makes an appearance in it, speaking of Jimmy Olsen.) I won't be visiting too many bookstores because I have an actual job now. But I have added an appearance at Square Books on September 2. Don't worry, I'll remind you closer to the actual time so you can make unalterable plans to be elsewhere. 4) Speaking of myself, remember when I told you that someone made a facebook "fan page" for me? I had nothing to do with it. It's very nice and flattering, and I am grateful. But it is called "Jack Pendarvis is Awesome," which is embarrassing for a number of reasons! I want to emphasize that the sentiment evident in the title couldn't be nicer or more appreciated, but I often worry that someone will think I had something to do with the creation and immodest naming of the page. And just that has happened! McNeil called to ask the very question! McNeil, my oldest friend! McNeil assumed I had named a page after my supposed awesomeness! So I wanted to remind everyone, and McNeil in particular, that as much as I love the idea - and the actuality - of the very flattering page, I did not create or name it, nor did I even know about it until someone told me. Okay! 5) I may have bought the funniest book ever made. It is called TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE, VOL. 1, and was written by Michael Kupperman, whoever he is. All I know is, I cannot open a page and read it - any random page - without laughing aloud. On one such occasion, I laughed until I cried! Literally! So my advice to you is to seek out TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE, VOL. 1, by Michael Kupperman. These have been your "Literary Matters." Goodbye forever.

Dr. "M.'s" Yak

Ha ha! Dr. "M." does not really own a yak! But wouldn't that be something? No, "Yak" stands for "Young Adult Korner," in keeping with our hilarious practice of spelling "corner" with a "K." Ah, Dr. "M."! Our TV critic, food expert, and palimpsest aficionado! It seems she has taken up reading "Young Adult" novels, adding a new layer of authority to her "blog" presence. Now, you know I have a problem with "YA novels," stemming from the fact that I have been perversely and incorrectly designated a "YA writer" by Publishers Weekly for no reason whatsoever and they don't even care no matter how many times I email them through a blur of tears. So my dander rises when I hear the term "Young Adult"! There is also the fact that being an old adult, I hardly have time for my old adult activities, much less any side trips into whatever it is that young adults do to pass the time. The idea does not appeal to me much, I confess! I blanched at the thought of reading Harry Potter, and resisted that whole phenomenon quite easily, though I knew many trusted and intelligent non-young adults who read and enjoyed those books. The thought of it still puzzles me! Then again, I watched the Gilmore Girls every Tuesday without fail so I have no room to talk. And then there are my Jimmy Olsen comic books. I'm getting around to the point, which is that Dr. "M." recommends a "YA novel" called TWILIGHT. She says: "I read Twilight over the last couple of days, and I think I felt flush throughout most of it. Whew! While I doubt Twilight is as good as Faulkner's vampire story," she continues, "it does make for an indulgent diversion!" I had never heard of the book before Dr. "M.'s" email, so I did some "Googling" and found out something surprising. According to the New York Times, the author wrote the book "in a flash after she had a dream about the characters, who then inhabited her mind and dictated the novels to her." See, I want some of that! Why can't things come to me in a dream, like they do for everybody else? All I ever dream about is Leonard Maltin. About the "YA" TWILIGHT, all I can say is, if I ever were to read a "YA novel" it would be because Dr. "M." recommended it. She is trustworthy and true blue! In the meantime, I CAN personally recommend TWILIGHT, the old adult novel by William Gay, if you like gothic, necrotic literary thrillers about mad undertakers who are a little too "into" their work. William Gay's TWILIGHT does feature two young or young adult protagonists beset by terrible grisliness but you would be crazy to let your young adult read it. Finally I will remark that the Dalai Lama eats yak meat. I base this on his autobiography, which I read a long time ago. But according to my recollection, the Dalai Lama is not a vegetarian! He tried for a spell, after seeing something bad happen to a chicken, but he got sick while on his all-vegetable diet and had to start eating meat again. Growing up in Tibet, vegetarianism is not an option. There are hardly any vegetables! Yak is a staple! I should really do some research before making such assertions, but this is a "blog" and nothing matters. Well, hold on, let me grab the book. I'm throwing around guff about the Dalai Lama, after all. Okay. Here's what the Dalai Lama says: "I was instructed by my doctors that not only must I take less greasy food, cut out nuts and reduce my consumption of milk, but also I must start eating meat again... so reluctantly I returned to being non-vegetarian. Today I eat meat except on special occasions required by my spiritual practice." This sort of ties in with the "YA novel" TWILIGHT, which is, as I understand it, about vampires who have given up human blood. Anyway, I bet you thought the Dalai Lama was a vegetarian! That'll teach you to question the "blog."

This Just In! Mark Childress (in Blurry Photo) on Superman's Pal!

Just when I thought I had stopped blogging... I heard from Mark Childress (pictured, left; he's less blurry in person), renowned author of modern classics like TENDER, CRAZY IN ALABAMA and ONE MISSISSIPPI. Now I feel compelled - nay, charged! - to complete Pt. 2 of my in-depth series about the youthful comic book preferences of our nation's literary elite. My one fear is that it will nudge the picture of me down to the bottom of the page where everyone will forget to look at it. I know I described it in an earlier posting as "simpering," but I was just being humble. Well, today I was working on a new novel and I included a long speech about Richie Rich. Imagine my surprise when Mark Childress, on this very same day, sent me a nice email about his childhood affinity for that selfsame Richie Rich! Mark wrote with equal eloquence on the subject of Jimmy Olsen, Superman's pal, another of his favorite characters. Maybe if I can get permission from him I'll post his whole email. Anyway, in a second astonishing coincidence that is bound to shake the blogging world to its core, just THIS LAST WEEKEND I spent the last of my money on a couple of reprints of Jack Kirby's short-lived stint as the writer-artist on the Jimmy Olsen series. It's some WEIRD Jimmy Olsen! Jimmy Olsen vs. aliens and clones. DON RICKLES (!) appears in two of the stories, no kidding. It's Superman, Jimmy Olsen and Don Rickles fighting aliens. I'm not fooling. Mark also mentioned the Legion of Superheroes, like Tom Bissell in the previous entry. Based on statistical analysis I can state with total accuracy that the Legion of Superheroes is therefore the primary inspiration of our great modern fiction writers - a startling discovery! I will leave you with the opportunity to click on this link to an unappealing Richie Rich rip-off. I think this is what blogging is, right? This thing I'm doing now?