McNeil's Li'l Sausage Bits

Welcome once more to "McNeil's Li'l Bogie Bits," where McNeil reads a 700-page Humphrey Bogart bio and I pass the savings on to you! As you may recall, we were on the fence about whether the casting of Dooley Wilson in CASABLANCA was a legitimate bogie bit. As McNeil put it, Wilson "was not their first or even second choice, but....that's how sausage is made. I'm not sure that's how sausage is made." Which reminds me of a whimsical quotation from a whimsical narrator in my beloved bestseller (it's neither beloved nor a bestseller) MOVIE STARS: "There is a reason no one wants to know 'how the sausage is made.' How the sausage is made is terrible." And here you may note the most significant difference between my "blog" writing and my "real" writing: on the "blog," that second sentence would have ended in an exclamation point. And, honestly, in most of my "real" writing too. I wonder why I didn't do it! But we are getting far away from McNeil's li'l bits. McNeil says that Lena Horne was considered for the role of Sam! He also contends, rather boldly, that CASABLANCA would have been "twice as good" if Lena Horne had played the role. And I do say that such an observation indeed qualifies as a bogie bit. Another bogie bit is of a sad nature, as it depicts Mayo Methot, in a drunken rage, getting herself wedged tightly behind a sofa somehow. But let's get back to sausage. By a weird coincidence, I was listening to an opera when I received the first bogie bit alluded to above. That's not the coincidence. So, in a while, I was like, "What the hell is this opera about? I don't speak whatever language this is!" And I looked up the plot on the "internet," and this guy in the opera gets in trouble for eating a sausage on the moon! I guess you think I am making that up. But I will tell you the name of the opera - THE EXCURSIONS OF MR. BROUCEK - so you can look it up for your damn self. So I was like, "Sausage!" And, believe it or not, it was, by another coincidence, the second opera I had listened to THAT WEEK about somebody going to the moon. (The other one was Il mondo della luna by Baldassare Galuppi... and I can almost swear that Haydn wrote an opera with a similar title and subject matter, but now I am just showing off my knowledge of moon operas.) This is getting long, but I have more to tell. I just hope the lousy AT&T "internet" doesn't stop working before I'm done. We're getting something better installed on Monday! Leslie came over to watch INLAND EMPIRE the other night and we couldn't finish because the AT&T "internet" crapped out. So we turned off the lights and put on these plastic toy rings that have colored lights shooting out of them and Dr. Theresa requested Kraftwerk, so we danced around to that for a while, and then switched to a playlist by Kate Tsang. But the main point is that... you know all those books I am reading all the time in various circumstances? Now I've had to add a book that I put next to my laptop in my home office for whenever the "internet" goes kerplunk and I'm just sitting there with a stupid look on my face and nothing to distract me from the terrible abyss. There are books littered all over the place around here, it's a sad mess. Oh! So... one of the most recent books I had downstairs, on the side table near my favorite chair, was DAISY MILLER by Henry James, which somehow I had never read before. And in it, a character quotes from MANFRED, the poetic drama by Lord Byron, and I liked the quotation, so I dug out the old SELECTED POEMS of Byron and started reading MANFRED. And I hadn't made it too far, just to lines 196 and 197 of the first scene of the first act, and what did I see but "When the falling stars are shooting,/And the answer'd owls are hooting"? And you know what that means. Well, as long as I'm here, I'll mention a message I received yesterday from DJ Gnosis, who said he had gotten a news alert about his own old "blog," and when he checked it out, he saw that a "web" site called - I think - casino.org had discovered a 2008 "post" of mine, and a contemporaneous "post" by DJ Gnosis commenting on it, about the time I "posted" the first-ever photographic evidence on the "internet" of the existence of the Foster Brooks robot that used to live in Las Vegas until it was dismantled and sold for scrap metal, as we all must be eventually. Quoted in the article? Foster Brooks's own daughter! I would "link" to the article, but, being in the midst of a nightmarish effort to scrub old zombie "links" from the "blog," I am no longer much inclined to "link" to outside sources. Nothing against casino.org! Anyway, this on the heels of my 45-year-old letter inspiring McNeil to watch HARRY AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK. Given enough time and patience, such meaningless things can happen.

Foster Brooks Robot Gives My Life Meaning

I am sure you recall the robot version of Foster Brooks and how justifiably proud I was to be the first person ever to present a photograph of the Foster Brooks robot on the "internet." Well, my friend Ward McCarthy has found someone's home movies of the MGM Grand Hotel from 1995, and about halfway in you will get a big sample of the Foster Brooks robot, who is even more disturbing than I recalled, with his one rubbery dead hand and his other hand fitfully twitching at the punch lines of his off-color remarks. He is not to be confused with the Frank Morgan robot (!) who appears earlier in the clip. Ward and I stayed in the MGM Grand in 1994 when we were covering the Elvis Impersonator Convention, so this clip brings back a lot of memories - awful, awful memories. For example, see that huge wall of video screens behind the check-in counter? When Ward and I were standing in line interminably, they kept repeating a music video of the Olsen twins (at the time still tiny children) dancing around with huge magnifying glasses, pretending to be detectives, and there were lots of shots of a bloodhound in a Sherlock Holmes hat (or so I recall) doing editorially enhanced double takes and the lyrics of the song were something like "Super DOOPER pooper TROOPERS!" I paraphrase. But the rhythms of their hellish march went on and on forever, kind of like this "post." Because I will now state that the youtube video of the Foster Brooks robot was "posted" in late 2009, and therefore I am STILL the champion of presenting photographic evidence of the Foster Brooks robot earlier than anyone else on the "internet." In conclusion, I noted on the youtube sidebar of "related videos" that there was a clip of Foster Brooks performing at the dedication of Gerald Ford's presidential library - say what! His whole act was pretending to be drunk, and even without Mrs. Ford's well-publicized alcoholism, and her heroic efforts at raising awareness and helping people with substance abuse problems, Foster Brooks seems like a weird choice for ANYBODY's presidential library dedication. I watched about 20 seconds of it, just enough to confirm that he's pretending to be drunk. Yep.

My Much Anticipated George Hamilton Considerations

Just turned on TCM and saw George Hamilton playing Moss Hart. And I thought, "Huh, George Hamilton starred in biopics as Moss Hart and Hank Williams. That's weird." And then I kept thinking. I thought, "To whom will this be of interest? No one! Therefore, I will put it on my 'blog.'" And then, dear reader, I kept thinking about George Hamilton. I thought about all the brand-name top-shelf directors he has worked with, such as Vincent Minnelli, Woody Allen, and Francis Ford Coppola. In the latter case, I have always wondered whether there might have been a touch of vengefulness in the casting. Like, Francis Ford Coppola was thinking, "Oh yeah, Robert Duvall? You're not coming back for GODFATHER III? I'll get GEORGE HAMILTON to replace you and see how you like that!" Nor did my thinking about George Hamilton end there. I recalled a time that Mr. Ward and I were in Los Angeles, and for some reason the rental place had issued us a creepy van instead of a normal car. We were driving down Sunset Boulevard when we spied George Hamilton eating at a sidewalk café. So we turned the van around and parked on the street right in front of him and started yelling out the window: "George Hamilton! Hey! George Hamilton!" When he looked up, Mr. Ward took a picture of him and sped away. George Hamilton was mad! I wonder if Mr. Ward still has that picture; after all, he still has the picture of the Foster Brooks robot.

Let's Get Annotated!

Every year, as you well know, the "blog" advent calendar brings fun and enlightenment to young and old alike. The fuel it runs on is surprise, so it would ruin the "blog" advent calendar to explain anything about it until it is complete in its glory and has been enjoyed by one and all in the spirit of anticipation, wonder, and universal good cheer. But sometimes there are one or two items that might be enhanced with footnotes after the fact, and such is the case once again this year. Here are this year's "blog" advent calendar annotations, helpfully numbered according to their original placement on this year's "blog" advent calendar: 10. So Mary Worth was stalked in her eponymous comic strip and they made a coffee mug representing her encounter with her stalker. Okay! I found this one the night before I "posted" it, and here is the weird thing: when I found it, the mug cost $13.99. But THE VERY NEXT MORNING, when I "posted" it, the price had mysteriously gone up to $14.99! AND THAT'S NOT ALL! After I "posted" it, when I visited other "web" sites with advertising sidebars, OFTEN the Mary Worth stalker mug would be featured, probably thanks to "cookies" or some other innocent sounding, horrible "internet" thing I don't understand. Mary Worth's stalker was stalking me around the "internet"! In one case, the mug was advertised for the price of $19.99! I have no idea what this means, except that computers are spying on us, but we knew that. 11. This man has lots of ideas, including one I thought was mine! In my novel AWESOME, the title character - a giant who invents things - wants to construct a highway with grooves like LP grooves in it, and to have cars fitted with special tires that would play the music embedded in the highway, the way a phonograph needle plays a record. I thought I made it up! But I was shocked and sort of depressed to discover that this guy had already thought of it. He writes: "Carve computer-generated ripples in the surface of a main highway, and when vehicles pass over the surface, mysterious voices whisper, and distant music plays... Little sub-threshold voices which say 'Buy popcorn.'" His version requires no special tires. BUT GET THIS! He suffered a letdown too, because he in turn discovered that ROADS LIKE THIS ALREADY EXIST IN REAL LIFE! So I guess we are both suckers for thinking we are so great and everything. 21. You don't know who Charley Weaver is. Why should you? He was a folksy character created by the actor Clifford Arquette (grandfather to Patricia and Rosanna Arquette). Arquette (in character as Charley Weaver) was on HOLLYWOOD SQUARES with Paul Lynde. I want to say he sat on the bottom row, at the end, but I can't swear to it. The little automated Charley Weaver toy is great. In addition to making and drinking its little cocktail, and its nose turning red through special lighting effects, Mr. Ward says that smoke originally came out of its ears. Puzzling, though: the Charley Weaver persona did not involve Foster Brooks-like drunkenness as far as I can recall... certainly Charley Weaver would have never imbibed anything requiring the use of a cocktail shaker - more like a Mason jar. So the toy is weird in that regard. Let me also say that there is one of these behind the counter at the Ajax Diner, inert, and often have I stared at it and wondered about its function - a coin bank? - as I drank sweet tea and ate pot roast and butter beans at the bar. Now I know! 22. I didn't realize until my brother-in-law David sent me the video that the Lambton worm was such a big deal. I knew the song from the Ken Russell movie LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM, but if I thought about it at all, I stupidly and incuriously figured it was a fake folk song they made up to suit the needs of the plot. But man, there are so many versions on youtube! One guy sings it with his shirt off and possibly his pants off for all I know. The brother-in-law visited for Christmas. He walked into Square Books on Christmas Eve and by fate walked straight to a book about dragons containing a chapter on the Lambton worm. Have you ever noticed that whenever you start thinking about the Lambton worm he turns up everywhere? So I guess the Lambton worm is very popular and I never knew it. (I started this "post" last night but then I got too tired to explain who Charley Weaver was. It seemed soul crushing. Life is hard!) Pictured, Charley Weaver and LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM. See if you can figure out which is which!

Jolly Fats

Well, this is a happy day for me. I see from the "stats" that someone found this "blog" by searching for "movie with jerry lewis where there farm animals on plane." Sir or madam, I am so delighted to inform you that the film you are seeking is CRACKING UP. Foster Brooks is the pilot of the airplane for Jolly Fats Weehawken airlines. The scene to which you are referring inspired a scene in the Godard movie SOIGNE TA DROITE. Goodbye forever.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Pat Boone

Thought I'd do a "google" for "Wamp There It Is," the title of my most recent "post." Two hundred and twenty-five matches! I guess I'm not such a big shot after all with my funny Mr. Smart Boy jokes. I will have to remain satisfied with being the first person to post pictures of the Foster Brooks robot on the "internet" and the man who came up with "C-Spandemonium." One more thing about Wamp: when I was doing a "Google Image Search" for him, object of "blog" wonder Pat Boone mysteriously appeared over and over. I was curious, so I did a little investigating. If you google them together, up pops an article entitled "Zach Wamp Gets Coveted Pat Boone Endorsement." Coveted! Says it right there.

Elvises I Have Known

Speaking of nights of 100 things, back in August of 1994, Mr. Ward and I put together something for TBS called NIGHT OF 100 ELVISES. Yes, the name was a clever "take-off" of NIGHT OF 100 STARS. We went to Las Vegas and shot a bunch of footage at an Elvis impersonator convention and edited it to complement an evening of Elvis movies. (Note to "blog" fans [Ha ha! I know you don't exist!]: this is the same trip [first described in this "link"] during which we discovered the robot version of Foster Brooks, of which the "blog" has provided the "internet's" only pictures!) I remember standing at the top of an escalator and clapping my hands together and yelling impatiently, "Elvises! Elvises!" because they wouldn't be quiet and line up properly. Mr. Ward and I met the "Cherokee Elvis," the "Diabetic Elvis," the "Swiss/Hawaiian Gospel Elvis" and many others, including a charming and petite British woman we took to calling Elfis. The only small, passing mention I can find of our majestic effort is this article (I am sure you will "click" here) from a Baltimore paper, in which you can also find out what was happening in that night's episode of MODELS INC.! So anyway it turns out that there is an annual charity event called NIGHT OF 100 ELVISES. It's for a very good cause and has been going on since December of 1994... IN BALTIMORE! Coincidence? Do the math! In a very real way, I suppose you could say that Mr. Ward and I are the real heroes of this annual charity event I just found out about. Not really! But we named it, apparently. Maybe! Oh, and I found some more glory to steal today, involving another man named Elvis, but not Elvis Costello, with whom - as I never tire of reminding everyone (speaking of stolen glory) - I once had dinner. Wait, did I just mention that again? Silly me! I was about to tell you that there's an interview with Bill Murray in the current GQ. He says some funny and interesting things, of course. He calls film critic Elvis Mitchell the "world's smartest man." I once had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Mitchell, who stated upon that occasion that he had read and enjoyed my books. And he really had! I couldn't believe it! In fact, I assumed someone was playing a trick on me at first, putting him up to it, because I had never met anyone who had read and enjoyed my books. Here's what I am trying to say: the world's smartest man has read my books. I am going to use that in my new slogan, which will be affixed by special sticker to everything I write from now on: "Good enough for the world's smartest man... why not you?" As a special bonus, "click" here for an episode guide to MODELS INC. Pictured, a dramatic scene from MODELS INC.

The Award For Best Carpet

I have been flooded with telegrams demanding a full report on the 2nd Annual McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival. Let me put your anxious minds at rest. The festival began as promised with THE VILLAIN, followed by THE ERRAND BOY, a screener of A SERIOUS MAN, THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE, HOME FROM THE HILL (filmed in part right here in Oxford, including a scene inside City Grocery when it was a grocery store), LET IT RIDE, and MONSIEUR BEAUCAIRE. (I think the occasion demands some new, non-random illustrations.) Well, THE VILLAIN got things off to an abominable start, even though it featured cameos by "blog" objects of curiosity Foster Brooks and Ruth Buzzi. The term "thankless role" was invented for Ann-Margret, whose job in the film is to try gamely, though with evident exhaustion and diminishing returns, to get some simulacrum of a human response from her main acting partner Arnold Schwarzenegger. On the plus side, if you still have any doubts that Jerry Lewis is a genius, watch THE VILLAIN and then watch THE ERRAND BOY. Both films become, at some point, a series of independent vignettes. THE VILLAIN will help you appreciate the imagination with which Jerry sets up and shoots each standalone gag in THE ERRAND BOY. Even the ones that don't quite work are eminently bizarre, ambitious, and personal, as opposed to the flat anonymity of the former film. While there was no pervasive theme to this year's festival, such as "Psychiatrists and Turtlenecks," you can already sense to your great delight that there were small connections from one film to the next, and you are so excited that I am about to tell you what they were. For example, THE ERRAND BOY and A SERIOUS MAN both included the word "tsuris" in their scripts. THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE and HOME FROM THE HILL, while the production values and levels of awareness could not have been more different, were heavy on the Freud. In the former, there's a (SPOILER ALERT) long, cylindrical, threatening (partially bulbous?) one-eyed creature who gets his eye shot out! Okay? In HOME FROM THE HILL, George Hamilton and George Peppard love walking around with their shirts unbuttoned almost to their navels, a fashion statement repeated three decades later in LET IT RIDE by David Johansen of the New York Dolls, who plays "Loony." A prominent bit player goes for a similar look. At one point in LET IT RIDE, Richard Dreyfuss breaks the fourth wall, looks straight into the camera, and says (I think) "Am I having a great day or what?" This, of course, is a technique pioneered by MONSIEUR BEAUCAIRE star Bob Hope, such utterances most often occurring under potentially salacious circumstances, as indeed is the case in LET IT RIDE. I can hear you asking, "But what about carpet? We know how much McNeil loves good carpet in his movies." Yes, we should start giving out an award for Best Carpet. We'll call it the Carpie. This year's Carpie goes to A SERIOUS MAN. "Love that carpet," McNeil said while watching the film. He had some exactly like it when he was a kid. "I used to roll marbles on the flat part," he reported.

Tantalizing Monograph Reference

As you know, I alert you whenever the New York Times mentions Jerry Lewis. Consider yourself alerted. Today's Jerry reference comes to us courtesy of the reliable Dave Kehr, and includes a tantalizing comment about "Chris Fujiwara’s excellent monograph on Mr. Lewis, which comes out this week from the University of Illinois Press." (I feel I should explain today's randomly selected picture, which is, of course, Mr. Ward pretending to enjoy the Foster Brooks robot at the MGM Grand, before that robot was literally thrown out with the trash.)

Two Fellows Making Funny Faces and How They Got That Way

You know, when I was "researching" all that GREEN ACRES stuff, I came across an old "post" in which Arnold the Pig and the absurdist playwright Eugene Ionesco seemed to be looking at one another with similar facial expressions, thanks to my gift for illustrating my "posts" in a hilarious manner. However, I had acquired those pictures through "stealing bandwidth," which was a thing I used to do before I knew it had a name and was a bad thing to do. That got me to thinking about another "post" from long ago, featuring similarly stolen bandwidth and two fellows making funny faces. It was when I happened to write a little divertissement involving Red Skelton and Jeb Stuart Magruder. So here they are, together again, presented in the proper manner that is not stealing. When you "steal bandwidth" sometimes your pictures go away or are replaced by purposefully saucy substitutions to teach you a lesson for stealing. But now thanks to technology Red Skelton and Jeb Stuart Magruder will be with us forever. First Foster Brooks and Marty Allen, now Red Skelton and Jeb Stuart Magruder. Is there anything I won't do to pander to the youth market?

Important Robot Update

I know everyone has been wanting to hear more about the Foster Brooks robot, photographs of which I was the first and practically only person to place on the "internet" - and anyone else who has "posted" a photo of the Foster Brooks robot is using one of mine, not to brag or anything. Well, DJ Gnosis has been doing some digging. It seems that the Foster Brooks robot cost "$150,000, and took over 825 man-hours to build." And when it broke down, it WAS THROWN OUT WITH THE TRASH AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN. There is an interesting story about how DJ Gnosis wound up with this information, but I'm kind of tired. (Pictured, the real Foster Brooks. OR IS IT? It is. That's him on the left. The other guy is Marty Allen, of whom you've also never heard. And I guess that woman on the edge of the frame, the one you can see through, is some kind of ghost or something.)

Ecclesiastes, Sandwiches

Once again I must thank therumpus.net for a most pleasant diversion. Now, I arrogantly believed I had contributed a little something to the "blog" literature - or "bliterature" as we like to call it - on sandwiches. I have been proven wrong. A "link" on therumpus.net led me to a sandwich "web" site called "Unbreaded" (which, come to think of it, is a weird name for a "blog" about sandwiches), and in particular a "post" in which the question "Is a burrito a sandwich?" is considered. To be even more particular, I was drawn to the vigorous comments section, where some people go so far as to claim that hamburgers and hot dogs are not sandwiches (!) and that pizza is an "open-faced sandwich" (!!). The gentleman who makes the latter claim runs his own "web" site called "Simply Sandwiches," which he sees as the unacknowledged progenitor of "Unbreaded," pointing out a "post" of his from 2007 in which the exact nature of sandwiches is discussed. I take no sides. I merely point out what Solomon said about the "internet" in Ecclesiastes... that there is nothing new on it (except for the time I was the first person to put a photo of the Foster Brooks robot on the "internet" and the person who coined the phrase "C-Spandemonium" to describe the excitement of watching C-SPAN). But that doesn't mean that people are copying you! It just means there's not much to say about anything and the "internet" has given all of us so much room to say it. (Pictured, wise King Solomon.)

"Blog"trospective 5: Sandwiches

Welcome to Volume V of "'Blog'trospectives," your handy reference guide to the world of the "blog." Our subject is sandwiches. Please browse the index at your leisure, "clicking" lazily here and there. SANDWICHES: alternating mortadella and roast beef---anchovy and egg---anthropomorphic hot dog licking its lips---as symbolic of something no word can describe---as traditional Labor Day fare---at Bobcat Drive-In---baloney in library parking lot---barbecue with slaw, eaten by Lewis Nordan before running away from home---Bendix, William; juicy hot dog stabbed and inspected by---"Big Easy"---big slice of pork, golden brown---bite of ribeye tucked into a Yorkshire pudding, a---BLT---Bogart, Humphrey; eats a sandwich---board---Boom Boom Chicken---Brooks, Foster, enjoys one with a cup of coffee---burgers; destiny of---butter and sugar---butter and sugar in the works of Whorton, Powell, Morrison, and Lee---catfish, bonus---catfish hot dogs---catfish, very likely ersatz---cheeseburger from Handy Andy's (actually a double cheeseburger)---"Cheeseburger in Paradise"---cheesesteaks, possible---chicken salad---chili burgers---chopped-up hot dogs on a waffle---club named "Club Sandwich"---cocktail franks---cold dogs---cold weenies---condiments potentially misremembered---Coney Island hot dog hoax---connection posited between hypothetical hamburger restaurant and alchemy---construction of hot dog observed---consumed at the 1939-1940 New York World's Fair---creme---Cuban---cucumber, with Lizzie Borden---Dagwood---dancing---dancing sandwiches no laughing matter---De Niro, Robert; and a half-eaten sandwich---diablo---double cheeseburger constructed from two single cheeseburgers---double cheeseburgers the night before Thanksgiving---Dudie burger---during a CHEERS rerun---Eagle Rock hot dogs---Earl of---ease of consumption postulated---eaten in presence of a young man with a walking stick, white clown makeup, derby---egg---falling down with hot dogs---fancifully imagined ham sandwich, a---fancy hot dog place---farewell cheeseburgers---feeding a tuna fish sandwich to a possum---fierce-colored hot dogs---football game hot dog---Francis, Kay; wants a drink, is offered a sandwich instead---Frankenstuffs (sandwich ingredient)---Freeman, Morgan; talk of hamburgers leads to sighting of---Freudian hot dog---fried peanut butter and banana---from Alon's Bakery---Gannon, Bill, and---generous salami---giant hot dog crashes into somebody's house in Wisconsin---"great sandwiches of English literature"---grilled cheese---grilled cheese in a secret bar---Habib's hamburgers (Brasil)---ham on rye---ham sandwich used as example in early 20th-century newspaper article---hamburger delusion---hamburger fetched by a scarecrow---hamburger meat as pink and moist as Mario Batali's forehead---hamburger murder scandal---hamburger, raw---hamburgers with Elliot Gould---head in one hand; sandwich in the other---herring---home hot dog cooker---Host, Jon; burger problem of---hot dog at a Mummenschanz show---hot dog bread pudding---hot dog eaten in someone's apartment, circa 1976---hot dog fed to a possum (attempted)---Hot Dog Island---HOT DOG (kids' show)---hot dog preference of Bizarro superdog---hot dog with lots of mustard displayed and subsequently consumed by Dr. Theresa at Turner Field---hot dogs cooked by "Hot Stuff the Li'l Devil"---hot dogs named after Joe Mantegna characters---hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut in the parking lot of the Clermont Lounge---"Hot Portobello Sub"---hypothetical cheeseburger of Kent Osborne---hypothetical smoked sausage---Ice Cube's pastrami---Impossible Cheeseburger Pie---in the works of Ingmar Bergman---in the works of Ingmar Bergman, Part 2---"International Newspaper Sandwich Award"---Italian beef---Italian beef combo---Ito, Elizabeth; is reminded of the time we ate hot dogs together---Jackie O.'s hot dogs---Jackie O.'s hot dogs (correction)---J.J. Special---Kelly, Grace; eats unidentified sandwich---kid wearing Jughead hat prepares to eat hot dog---lamb sausage made with cherries---leftover Christmas ham and pimento cheese (grilled)---leftover roast---lemongrass-roasted pork po-boy with crawfish---Lobel's hot dogs---Luke makes Lorelai a hamburger shaped like Santa on GILMORE GIRLS---made by Joey Lauren Adams---mail drop facility has name like sandwich shop---man who "can't even fry a hambuger," a---margarine and sugar---marinated chicken sub; discontinuation of---marinated chicken sub; last---"McNeil Month by Month" and---metaphorical hamburger---more chiliburgers---muffaletta---mustard and American cheese---Namath, Joe; eats a stolen sandwich---National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, The---Neutral Milk Hotel plays while I eat a hamburger---no sandwiches on the planet Thanagar---"Olsen sandwich"---on ADVENTURE TIME---on TV---Orange Julius hamburger---Osborne, Kent; eats chicken sandwich during video conference---Osborne, Kent; eats hot dog in Chicago (photo)---"Osborne, The"---Osborne Sandwich mistaken for Pendarvis Sandwich---Ossie's Bar-B-Que and Hamburgers---patty melt, my last---peanut butter in the dark---perfect patty melt---pig ear, thousands of---pimento cheese---Pink's hot dogs---plovers' egg---preference of Harrison Ford for finger sandwiches---prevalence of on "internet"---priest, a; appears while I am waiting for my Osborne Sandwich---Queen's favorite sandwich, the---quest for greatest fast-food hamburger, dimly recalled---rib, with bone---Sandwich, Joe---Saunders, George, eats a corn dog---sausage dog---"Scary Gyros"---sentient---Sheen, Martin; furtively clutches a bag of burgers---Silverstone, Alicia; egg salad sandwiches of---slabs of prime rib as big as terra cotta roof tiles---spies eat sandwiches---split by Bob and Dolores Hope on their first date---Stang's hot dogs---Steak Scrap---square hot dogs---Superman eats like a million hamburgers---Superman roasts hot dogs with his eyes---Superman squats and hunches over as he shovels hamburgers into his mouth---swimming champion in a commercial for---talking hamburgers---tasty-looking burger, a---Taylor, Elizabeth; cooks hot dogs---Thompson, Wright; presence of glows benevolently over sandwich eating---too abundant---treacle on bread---"Tropical Hot Dog Night"---"tubesteak" as another word for hot dog---tuna sandwich remembered to inspire nickname on sitcom---turtle hot dog---Tweety---unprotected---used in international smuggling operations---Varsity chili dogs---Verdell steps on some sandwich meat---Warhol, Andy; claims that Eisenhower bought the queen a ballpark hot dog---Weenie Whirl---wrapped in newsprint---yuzu mayo on a ham sandwich. Thank you. Please don't forget to enjoy our previous "blog"trospectives. Collect them all! Trade with your friends! VOLUME I: Tom Franklin; VOLUME II: Phil Oppenheim; VOLUME III: Movies; VOLUME IV: The Moon.

Downward Spiral Continues

Yesterday I almost "posted" something about Foster Brooks but deleted it at the last moment. The day before that, I "posted" something about people falling down in television commercials. That one made it to the "blog" but not for long. It was "perceptive" and "timely" - of that you may be certain! But my chosen illustration of a banana peel displeased me greatly. Rather than finding a more comely banana peel, I deleted the whole "post" in a fit of mad rage. This sort of "thinking" and "pondering" and "deciding" that "blogging" is "pointless" is sure to accelerate the downfall of the "blog"! I blame something or someone other than myself.

Why Can't I Be More Like Jon Host?

I suppose you'd all prefer it if I were more like Jon Host, and only deigned to "blog" whenever my brother fell off a tractor. Well, I'm sorry I'm not Jon Host! But if that's the way you want it, fine. I have to warn you, my brother is not likely to fall off a tractor. And you'll be all, "Boo hoo hoo! Where's the 'blog'!?" And I'll be like, "Whatever." I'll be like, "Sorry, I'm waiting for my brother to fall off a tractor." And you'll be all, "Please, Jack! I need an update on the Foster Brooks robot!" And I'll just look at my watch like I'm thinking about something else. I don't have a watch, but I plan to get one for just such an occasion. I hope you're happy!

I've Seen Pricklier

I thought I'd use the "Google" to check and see if anyone else has referred to the juicy bits from John Ashbery poems as "ashberries." You know I have bad luck with such things... see my lacklustre pun about Cormac McCarthy as just one of many, many examples. Internet, you contain so much! How can we ever be "original" in the face of your bounty? (I will content myself with inventing "C-Spandemonium" and being the first person ever to put a picture of the Foster Brooks robot on the "web.") Here are some things I found out regarding ashberries: There is a poem called "Ashberries" that has "nothing to do with John Ashbery." And there is something called the prickly ash berry (pictured) but it doesn't look so prickly to me. It doesn't look near as prickly as the "lemon cucumber" grown by Kelly and Jamie Kornegay. Wait. It occurs to me that the tree from which the berry comes is probably prickly, so that it's a PRICKLY ASH berry, NOT a PRICKLY ash berry if you know what I mean. This is what I do all day. Finally, I should check to see if anyone has put Frankenberry and John Ashbery together in a "post," as I just did. Hold on while I check.

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

Let's see what's happening in the world of entertainment! I just enjoyed a William Faulkner reference on an old rerun of THE SIMPSONS. Moe claims that Faulkner wrote gags for the Little Rascals. I've seen the episode many times, but this evening noticed for the first time a Simpsons-style William Faulkner lurking in the background of the Little Rascals flashback. In other entertainment news, McNeil's coworker Secondhand George says that he used to see Foster Brooks hanging around in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where his (Brooks's) daughter lived. Old SG spoke to Foster Brooks once. Mr. Brooks was sitting at a lunch counter with a sandwich and a cup of coffee. SG introduced himself and Mr. Brooks was "very nice and polite." He abruptly shifted into his famous "drunkard" character for SG's personal entertainment. This has been All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up. (Pictured, Carl "Alfalfa" Switzer, one of the Little Rascals.)

How Large and Terrifying He Was

Please forgive me for harping on about the Foster Brooks robot, but I just had to mention something I had forgotten before seeing the photograph again after all these years: how large and terrifying he was.

The Foster Brooks Robot Revolution

I do not think it is immodest to suggest that your humble "blog" has spawned a revolution! That's right. Just a few short days ago, there was virtually NO "internet" appreciation of the Foster Brooks robot. But now? Take a "gander" at this "post" ("click" here) by my "friend" DJ Gnosis, featuring photographs "snapped" by yours truly. Our own small efforts have spurred Mr. Gnosis to recall, and find evidence of, an alarming medical advertisement featuring Foster Brooks.

First Time On the "Internet"! Definitive Proof of the "Foster Brooks Robot"!

For the first time EVER on the "internet" (as remarked upon with grave shock and incredulity in a previous "post"), we present photographic PROOF of the EXISTENCE of the FOSTER BROOKS ROBOT! Here we find Mr. Ward doubled over with laughter at the antics of the Foster Brooks robot. (I regret to note that the Foster Brooks robot is seated at a little bar, not at "a little table" as he appeared in my failing memory.)