Magic Beans

Email from McNeil. The above photo was attached, depicting McNeil and myself in an olden time of long ago. McNeil writes, "Remember that day I sold you those magic beans? You were so relieved you could finally get socks as white as mine."

Artist's Statement

Hey! Tomorrow is the big gallery show opening in Alhambra, California, so check it out! I think I forgot to mention it's ADVENTURE TIME and FIONNA AND CAKE themed, featuring works by more than 50 artists associated with those shows. My piece is called “100 Adventure Time Characters from Memory, Made with Covid.” I call it that because of all the Covid I had when I drew it with magic markers in a sketch pad that Dr. Theresa bought to cheer me up. Now, I was afraid maybe I had shortchanged the lucky buyer, if any, because, despite the ambitious title I had prematurely scrawled on the paper, I didn’t count the characters as I was drawing them, and then, after I had drawn them, I found them impossible to count. Until! Some weeks later, I struck upon the notion of identifying them all by name. Somehow, and I know how, but I’m too tired to tell you, a list of names was a much easier thing for me to count. So I’m happy to reveal that I overachieved, at least quantitatively: there are 106 Adventure Time characters in my drawing. A couple of them were driving me nuts because I couldn’t figure out, once I had recovered from my feverish agitation and actually examined what I had drawn for the first time, who the hell they were supposed to be. I worried maybe I had made some of them up in a delirium. But I thought about it all night and decided that one was a Gumball Guardian (I had forgotten they have noses) and one was the King of Ooo (I had forgotten a couple of his identifying marks, plus I had him in Princess Bubblegum’s crown, which, in my defense, he did wear for a while). Adam said I should sponsor a contest and see if anyone could guess them all. But who was a guy who was good at guessing? Oedipus? Well, he was until he wasn’t. Anyway, not even Oedipus at the height of his guessing powers could have figured some of my drawings out (Pen, for example, thought Chips and Ice Cream were Hot Dog Knights), so I’m going to tell you who I drew, in (once you see the "art") not a really helpful order: Cinnamon Bun, Hunson Abadeer, The Bear Who Liked Finn, Starchy, Tree Trunks’s Alien Husband, Little Dude, One of the Villagers from “The Visitor,” Shoko, Mr. Cupcake, Billy, Abracadaniel, Party Pat, The Comet, The Squirrel from “Up a Tree,” The Cosmic Owl, Bartram, Gridface Princess, Martin, Ice King, Y5, Banana Guard, Patience St. Pym, Flame King, The White Lion Who Became the Vampire King, Abraham Lincoln, Jermaine, Chips, Ice Cream, Lemongrab, Lady Rainicorn, Gumball Guardian, Shelby and his little brother Kent, Big Destiny, Marshmallow Kid, Blank-Eyed Girl, Peppermint Butler, Breezy, Scorcher, Simon, Original Gunter, Ice Thing, Ricardio, Mannish Man, Wildberry Princess, The Squirrel Who Hates Jake, Glob, Grod, Grob (we can assume that Gob is behind them, but I can’t in good conscience count that) Fionna, Mr. Pig, Shermy, Huntress Wizard, Snail, Sleeping Old Man (Prismo’s Physical Form), Tiffany, Princess Cookie, Finn, Joshua, Choose Goose, Toast Princess, Cherry Cream Soda, Flambeau, The Empress, Slime Princess, The Crabbit, Farmworld Finn, Betty, Toronto, Wooby Woo, Dream Warrior, Lumpy Space Princess, Lumpy Space Prince, Tree Trunks, Uncle Gumbald, An Ant, Crunchy, Glass Boy, Magic Man, Leaf Man, Banana Man, King of Ooo, TV, Wyatt, Bubble, BMO, Skeleton (from the Ble offices? Or maybe that’s a guy from the Deadworlds), Jake, Gunter (classic penguin version), Embryo Princess, Rattleballs, Mr. Fox, The Music Hole, Lemonhope, Prismo, Hot Dog Princess, Dream Bird Woman, Owl from “Up a Tree,” Loafy, James Baxter the Horse, Gingerbread Muto, Minerva, Bufo, Morty Rogers, Marceline, Princess Bubblegum. In retrospect, perhaps my biggest mistake was thinking until very recently (today!) that The Empress had one eye in the middle of her forehead like a Cyclops (though I knew better at one point). I could lie and tell you I was trying to draw Blaine from “Wizard City,” but I would only be hurting myself.

Memory Tricks

So, a little while ago, I was at Square Books and they had different books by Susan Minot stacked everywhere. I asked Richard, who owns the joint, what gives! Richard says to me, he says, Susan Minot is coming to town. Now, I did a little research, which I'm generally against, and this must have happened way back in October, though my guess would have been sooner, like March. Bear in mind for the remainder of the "post" how bad my memory is. Anyway, I picked up a book of Minot's called MONKEYS, a title I have always liked. There used to be a lot more monkey content on the "blog." What happened? When did monkeys lose their magic? Answer: they didn't. Maybe it was you! What was I saying? Oh! So I had been meaning to read a Susan Minot book for about 40 years. The way I remembered it... and I texted Tom Franklin to make sure... to make sure he was there, first of all. I was wondering if his presence in my memory was hallucinatory, as I recalled him playing an advisory role much like Elvis does in the film TRUE ROMANCE. Anyway! It was some time in the 1980s, and Tom Franklin and I were looking at Susan Minot's author photo in a magazine. Newspaper? Magazine. And we - aspiring writers at the time, to put it mildly - got in our heads that her book looked interesting and she looked nice and we could very probably be best friends with her if we drove several hours to wherever the article said she was reading. Jackson? New Orleans? I'm going to guess Jackson, Mississippi, because New Orleans would have been too easy, as I picture us standing in downtown Mobile at the time. Jackson would have been more of a quest. Jackson, Mississippi! The mere name sparks the imagination. No it doesn't. The end of the story is that we didn't go. And forty years later, here I am, finally reading a Susan Minot book. And I'm only on page 60, and there have already been, I would say, 10-14 owls in it. That sounds like a lot, doesn't it? It sure sounds like Susan Minot must have beaten the previous owl record, a tie between Virginia Woolf and Willa Cather. But not so fast! Hold it right there, chum! So, there is an "owl room" in this book. And some kids go in there and play an owl game of their own creation, which counts as one owl. A couple of pages later, there is a cake of brown soap shaped as an owl. That's two. Here's where it gets complicated! Are you getting excited? So, in this "owl room" are various kinds of owls. Some are described as being singular: "a hollow brass owl," for example. Other owls are multiple: "two china owls with flowers" or... and here's where you have to pay attention... "owl engravings." But how many owl engravings? And how many owls are represented in each owl engraving? Nobody knows! Possibly, not even Susan Minot herself knows! In any case, the owl room contains, at a bare mininum, eight owls. Oh boy, this is just the kind of "post" I love! However! By my usual method of counting "how many owls there are in a book," I would say there are 1. The owl figures in the owl room. 2. The owl game. 3. The soap shaped like an owl. That brings Susan Minot in at three owls! Virginia Woolf and Willa Cather remain undefeated! Wow, I'm just thinking of all the controversy this "post" is going to generate among people who enjoy counting owls as much as I do!

He's Back!

Going to cut-and-paste an email I sent to McNeil and say it's a "blog" "post." Sometimes that's the way I do it. Other times I take an email FROM McNeil and cut-and-paste it and call it a "blog" "post." That's just the kind of variety you've come to expect from the "blog." Now for that email: "Was reading in the New York Times about how Trump wants to go to Fort Knox and make sure the gold is still there, ha ha! And the article traces the conspiracy back to this guy you used to email me about, Peter Beter, the man with the hilarious name. I think he’s the one who claimed Jimmy Carter had been replaced by a robot. Good to see his work hasn’t been forgotten." End of email. In conclusion, if you "click" on the Peter Beter "link" above, you will see that McNeil was talking about him ten years ago! McNeil was ahead of the times, just like when he discovered that gin and raisins cure arthritis. Please consult your physician before going on a diet of gin and raisins.

Narrator Loves to Narrate

I don't care but anyway I have a lot of time on my hands lately. So, you know, I was talking about three authors who are concerned with owls hanging out in daytime, and all the problems that could cause for their metaphorical owls. It's almost like a clickbait headline: "Three Times Owls Got Totally Confused in Daylight!" So yesterday I was reading THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES, and the narrator - boy, does this guy love to narrate! - refers to the "complex irrationalism that haunts our era like a night bird lost in the dawn." Now! Is that night bird an owl? Hell if I know. What, can I read Robert Musil's mind? I can't even read his book! Ha ha, just kidding, Robert Musil, you're all right. But let's think of JULIUS CAESAR by none other than Mr. William Shakespeare and how his own "bird of night" is standing there in broad daylight, "hooting and shrieking"... like what? Like a damn owl, I say! Shakespeare's owl, unlike these other owls, if it is an owl, knows what it's doing. It's there to deliver a message. It's an omen! Anyway, I've confused myself.

A Very Long Dash

So Terence asks Rachel "didn't you wander about the hotel like an owl in the sun?"... only Virginia Woolf places a long dash - six times the length of an ordinary dash! - between the word "sun" and the question mark. I couldn't figure out how to replicate it and I'm so very tired. I mention all this because THE VOYAGE OUT has had four owls in it so far, a number of owls in a single work of fiction matched on the "blog" only by Willa Cather, I believe, though I have done zero research in the interest of confirming this... and, should you care to "click" on this "link," you will find that one of Cather's owls has a problem with the sunlight as well... a problem, it occurs to me, shared by the owl of Dr. Samuel Johnson, and probably some other owls, but I don't care, and neither do you. Why are we here?

Loose Gelatin

There was another owl in THE VOYAGE OUT but I chose not to alert you. However! A third owl gave me cause for comment. Upon learning the name of her beloved, the character Rachel says, "Terence - that's like the cry of an owl." Hmm! Is it? I don't mean to question Virginia Woolf's owl knowledge. But do owls say "Terence"? I am not convinced. One recalls the novel THE GO-BETWEEN, and a similar reflection therein upon the name Hugh, which makes a lot more sense. But I'm known to be a simpleton! Before THE VOYAGE OUT's third owl, there is a significant moment of jellyfish, causing me to recall an important jellyfish anecdote in BUDDENBROOKS, whereupon I pondered, should I do a "blog"trospective about Books with Jellyfish in Them? Ha ha, no, that would be insane. But MOBY-DICK must have some jellyfish in it, right? I've read it twice, but I wasn't looking for jellyfish either time. Then I remembered: Oh! I have a "blog"trospective about gelatin! And I use the term "gelatin" very loosely. But is it loose enough to include jellyfish? Yes. I say it is. If I recall correctly, SpongeBob sometimes gets jelly from jellyfish in much the same way that we, in our non-cartoon world, get milk from cows.

Until All the People Should Awake

"... but here in the darkness an owl flitted from tree to tree, and when the breeze lifted the branches the moon flashed as if it were a torch. Until all the people should awake again the houseless animals were abroad, the tigers and the stags, and the elephants coming down in the darkness to drink at pools." Nice! That's Virginia Woolf in THE VOYAGE OUT, a good book to read while you're lying in bed. I've just quoted, for example, something nearing the end of a long passage, several pages in length, that describes people going to sleep. Some of it reminds me of a passage by James Joyce, though, as I recall, Virginia Woolf had some awfully mean things to say about him. He must have touched a nerve! Anyway! I switched THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES (not before it presented me with a second owl sighting! "He opened his eyes again and stared briefly like an owl across the room, without really looking at anything") for THE VOYAGE OUT. I'm reading the former in the bright sunshiny daylight now, when and if there is any. THE MAN WITHOUT QUALITIES contains a lot of thick, chewy philosophy, hard to manage as one toddles off to dreamland.

Imagine There's No Book

Did you know Yoko Ono was a "night owl"? I did! All thanks to the latest entry in the Million Dollar Book Club, YOKO by David Sheff. And I found out early, on page xxxi. "Wait!" you're going to say. "Those are letters, not numbers!" Very astute. But what if I told you they were both? Roman numerals are the publisher's way of telling you that you haven't really started the book, but you have to read this part anyway, or they'll come to your house and grab the copy out of your hands. You know why I mention the night owl... it's because, as something you could almost think of as an Ono-esque art experience (no you couldn't!), I have dedicated my entire life to noticing how many owls are in books. Lots of owls! In lots of books.

Books Don't Help

I got out my TRAVELS OF WILLIAM BARTRAM, which maybe I’ve never opened before, to do some research on swamps for an unpublished novel, which will remain unpublished if I know my unpublished novels, and if I don’t, nobody does. I was reminded by a sticker on the back that I bought TRAVELS OF WILLIAM BARTRAM at A Cappella Books in Atlanta during the time I was working on my second book, which, in its initial stages, was supposed to be a novel called THE ALABAMIAD. See, old William Bartram had tromped around Mobile in the 18th century, so I thought it might be helpful, but it wasn’t. Anyway, I opened it up yesterday and I was thumbing through it and I thought, boy, old William Bartram surely knows about every kind of squirrel and every kind of frog. I wonder if he knows about owls! The answer turned out to be yes. He knows about the great white owl, and the great horned owl, and the great horned white owl, which was the order in which he mentioned them, and I could imagine Cliff Clavin saying it on CHEERS: “You see, Sammy, you’ve got your great white owl, and your great horned owl, and then you’ve got your great horned white owl.” And then Carla would push him off his stool. Best of all, Bartram mentions “the whooting owl,” which is, I believe, our first sighting of that variation upon the hoot-owl. Whooting! The whooting owl! I love you, whooting owl! Hey! Do you know what happened after I had written all of the above? I picked up an Elmore Leonard novel I’ve been reading and one character immediately asked a cowboy, "What do you call it when you're on the dodge? Riding the owl hoot trail?" Now, you’ll certainly recall my puzzlement over the owl-hoot versus the hoot-owl, and, of course, “the hoot-owl trail,” which I seem to have first encountered in TRUE GRIT. By the way, the cowboy in question is impressed by his friend's knowledge of the term "owl hoot trail," which he apparently considers the correct rendering. I close fondly as always by saying go to hell.