Making Life Better

Maybe it was because he knows how much I love the needle that is so easy to thread and the blender that Montel Williams uses and the thing you put in your shoe and the Tater Mitts and the amazing money clip... or maybe it was just plain old brotherly love. Either way, my brother sent me this picture. "Jack! Great News! You don't have to bend over EVER again! (To clean your feet)," he writes.

Most People Want Pictures of Robins

This "blogging" "web" site that "hosts" my "blog" has a humbling new feature called "Stats." Or maybe the "Stats" feature has always been here and I have never noticed. But now I have noticed. And here is what I have noticed. BY FAR the most people who visit this "blog" are looking for pictures of robins. WHAT? Some other favorite search terms that have led people here: "where can I find a ninja blender" and "huge acorn."

Don't "Google" Your "Magic Hands"

I heard Theresa laughing really hard in the other room. She was watching a commercial for something called "Magic Hands." A word of advice for the "Magic Hands" people: make your product easier to find on the "internet"! How will you create a "buzz" and go "viral" if "bloggers" can't find your commercial and poke goodnatured fun at it? Trust me, you don't want to "google" for the phrase "magic hands." Or if you do, you want to "google" carefully. I could not find a "web" site devoted to the "Magic Hands." These people do not have the savvy of the folks at Ninja Blender. On the plus side, I did find this video which has nothing to do with the "Magic Hands" in question.

Psychic Smoothie

I woke up at 2:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and turned on the TV. Can you guess what I saw? No, not the Ninja Blender, but that was a good guess! I saw an infomercial for another blender, the one endorsed by Montel Williams and first brought to our attention by the NBIL. A woman said, "A regular blender can't chop through lettuce and apples!" A man said, "I could put a brick in here!" But he didn't. That would have been neat. Then the announcer said something like, "Coming up, Sylvia Browne makes psychic predictions and reveals her favorite smoothie!" And I was like, "Huh. That name is familiar to me." I think Sylvia Browne had a bunch of books on that list over at the behemoth, the one on which a customer placed my book YOUR BODY IS CHANGING as one of her favorite works about "spirituality and health." The one thing behemoths are known for is razor-sharp accuracy! Then I changed the channel and watched a great deal of CAPRICORN ONE. An astronaut on the run! From shadowy forces! He hides in a cave and eats a snake! Elliott Gould portrays a wisecracking reporter who just stumbled on the biggest story of his life! Karen Black is another wisecracking reporter. A guy who played a wisecracking reporter on the TV show LOU GRANT does not play a wisecracking reporter. He plays a low-level NASA employee who gets in over his head! Sam Waterston is another astronaut - a wisecracking one! He even makes wisecracks in the face of deadly danger. Also starring O.J. Simpson. When I was 15, I considered CAPRICORN ONE the highest of all artistic achievements.

This Is True!

"Bloggy" the "Blog" Mascot (pictured) sent some news I couldn't believe, but IT'S TRUE! Remember those people who were trying to sell my semi-non-existent book SHUT UP, UGLY for $413.16? NOW THEY ARE TRYING TO SELL IT FOR $2,499.99! Is this even legal? Either way, I want a piece of the sweet, sweet action. Because you know everybody wants the book that nobody wants. Like the promo for the Ninja Blender, this information could change. I'll keep an eye on it for you and let you know what's happening. Shipping and handling will still run you $3.99, which seems a little grabby under the circumstances.

Blue Lightning

Okay, now back to random illustrations. And here is our final (?) installment about TV marketing sensation "The Ninja Blender." The NBIL, who of course first brought the Ninja Blender to our attention, was excited to see the remarkable device examined on a recent local news segment called, I believe, "Try It and Buy It." He sadly files this report: "The very first thing the TV folks did was load the Ninja full of ice and make some snow. Although the snow looked good, it proved to be pervaded by large chunks of ice! The guacamole that was next on the menu received rave reviews, but ice proved to be a problem once again with smoothies. Here's the kicker: although the blades were forged by ancient Japanese swordsmiths, the rest of the Ninja proved to be made of weaker stuff. On the very first use of the Ninja, bits of the plastic housing actually melted! It must have been the blue lightning. Needless to say, the Ninja received two thumbs down."

By Thor's Hammer: Primordial Associations of the Ninja Blender

Considering the almost mystical claims of the promotional materials for the Ninja brand blender, as first brought to our attention by the NBIL, I turn to Mircea Eliade's study of ancient metallurgy (and other things), THE FORGE AND THE CRUCIBLE. In the image of Thor's hammer, writes Eliade, it is possible "to divine the magic aura of the manufactured tool, the exceptional prestige of the artisan and workman and, above all, in the Metal Age, of the smith... What clearly emerges from all these myths concerning smiths who assist the gods to secure their supremacy is the extraordinary importance accorded to the fabrication of a tool [such as the Ninja Blender - ed.]. Naturally, such a creation retains for a long time a magical or divine character, for all 'creation' or 'construction' can only be the work of a superhuman being." Yes! We are really beginning to get to the essence of the Ninja Blender, I believe. Recall if you will the fact that the promotional video promises to bestow upon you, the consumer, and I quote, "the incredible power to create snow." According to the NBIL, the "Ninja power pod" at the heart of the Ninja Blender is represented in the long-form infomercial with magic blue lightning shooting out of it, proving Eliade's association of metalwork - and hence, the Ninja Blender - with the primal thunderbolt. Truly this must be the blender of the gods!

Efficacy

I have been keeping an eye on the Ninja Blender "web" site for you, as promised. Watched more of the introductory video today. I thought the NBIL was exaggerating the marketing claims for comic effect, but it turns out that they REALLY, TRULY credit their blender's efficacy to "ancient Asian metalworking secrets."

The Incredible Power

They've changed out the video on the Ninja Blender "web" site. I didn't want you to be confused now that my Ninja Blender short promotional video quotations no longer match up. Now the guy says, "It gives you the incredible power to create snow!" Then, after praising the "top secret scientists" who created the Ninja Blender, he shrinks as if by magic and sits on a table next to the Ninja Blender and a scientist dumps out the contents of the Ninja Blender (formerly ice) on the table next to him. The tiny spokesman runs his hands through the contents and says approvingly, "I'm talking about perfect, creamy, snowball-quality snow!" It's not really called the "Ninja Blender." It's called the "Ninja Master Prep." I will tell you if they change the video again because you probably need to know.

"The Secret Is All-New Ninja Technology!"

proclaims the short online promotional video for the Ninja Blender.

Exclaims the Announcer

Just watching a short online promotional video for the Ninja Blender. "It instantly blasts ice into fantastic fluffy snow!" exclaims the announcer.

Late Night Blender Report

This just in from the NBIL: "So, Jasper's late night feeding schedule has given me the opportunity to catch up on my infomercials. The gloves are off in the late night blender battle! [Loyal "blog" readers will recall the NBIL's fascination with "The Magic Bullet." - ed.] Last night alone," continues the NBIL, "I saw four different blenders advertised in half hour long informercials! Here's what the Bullet is up against: The Torpedo - None of the new crop of blender informercials has the same cast of lovable characters as seen in the original Magic Bullet commerical, but the Torpedo does have Fabio Viviani of Top Chef fame as a pitchman. This one has some sort of autonomous 'smart' mode that allows you to leave the blender unattended while it whips your frozen margaritas to just the right consistency or grinds your coffee beans into powdery oblivion. How does it know?! The Montel Williams HealthMaster - Montel also goes all high tech with a 'patented digital emulsification system.' Foods prepared in the HealthMaster evidently cause the consumer to miraculously lose lots of weight! I think it has something to do with the fact that boiling removes the nutrients from brocolli. At least that was a point that was harped upon repeatedly in the commercial. The Ninja - Continuing the trend of violently named kitchen appliances. Judging from the informercial, this blender is built by ancient Japanese swordsmiths. The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer - Technically not a blender, but don't tell that to Jack LaLanne. The makers of the Magic Bullet have risen to the occasion however, with a new blender - the Bullet Express! This a larger, more robust version of the lovable little bullet that does double duty as a juicer. The highlight of this informercial is when juice is made using a whole pear, several carrots and quarter of a watermelon! The actress who then drinks this concoction does a poor job of concealing her initial 'bleh' reaction before putting on a huge fake smile/look of amazement. That's it on the blender front. There are a couple of other products worth mentioning making the late night informercial rounds: The Yudu - Tabletop do-it-yourself screen printing. Make your own t-shirts! The Fein Multimaster - I still don't know what this thing is. All I know is that it was being used purely for destruction. At one point in the infomercial, the spokespeople are informed that the pile of rubble in the room into which they have just walked took several days to create. They then proceed to use the Fein Multimaster to demonstrate how the same pile of rubble could have been created in mere minutes! It was awesome!" And that's it from the sleep-deprived NBIL. A few notes: 1) Don't blame the NBIL for the lack of paragraph breaks. That's on me. 2) The government would want you to know that the NBIL is not being paid by any informercial tycoon nor endorsing any product, and neither am I. 3) I will probably be tempted to look up the Fein Multimaster tomorrow and give you the lowdown.

Pia's Orange Reflection

I'm not kidding when I say I'm short on "blogging" time today. But lucky for me, a recent "post" seemed to touch a soft spot in the heart of our good friend Pia Z., who offers the following reflection, perfect for cutting-and-pasting: "When I worked at Cloverleaf Mall in Hattiesburg," Pia writes, "in the shoe department at Waldoff's, I'd walk down to Orange Julius for my lunch break, sit by myself at the yellow formica table, and watch for any cute guys who might be walking around. I ordered the same thing every time: a perfect, unadorned thin grilled hamburger (was the bun buttered?) and crunchy fries. What is that mysterious powder they'd dump into the blender that made an Orange Julius taste like a frothy Dreamsicle?" The "blog" is sorry to report it was a raw egg, Pia!