Here We Are

In case you thought I was kidding about Tom Franklin shaving my head: here's Dr. Theresa and me photographed by Megan Abbott at City Grocery Bar this very night!

He Makes Coffins

Look, it's Mary Miller and me at Tom Franklin's big annual birthday party. Mary kept saying how nice my hair looked so Lizzie took this picture. I don't know. Does my hair look that nice here? I am doubtful. Doesn't it look like a hairpiece? I kept explaining to Mary that whatever had happened to my hair that she was so taken with was just because I was sweating so much. It was hot! We live in Mississippi. Moments after this photo was taken, Tom Franklin shaved my head entirely... AGAIN. That's becoming a birthday tradition too, I guess. I was just complaining to Dr. Theresa that Tom left too much hair on my neck. "He did a better job than last time," she said. I don't think she cares! As my friend Brian pointed out on twitter, I now look "like the lifer in the yard [he'd] go to for advice as a new inmate." But I deleted my bald "selfie"

because I wanted to pretend not to be a vainglorious fool. I was just reading about vainglory in THE ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY. He's against it. Okay, here. HERE'S A TRUE HISTORY FACT. Last time Tom shaved my head, JFK's granddaughter was present! I saw her the next day in the town square and she tried to engage me in conversation but I couldn't recall who she was. I thought maybe she was a former student who wanted to talk about grades or something! Gross! So I dismissed her curtly! Later I realized my mistake but nothing could be done. Well that's what I get for being a huge jerk all the time. I tweeted that last night and deleted it too. I also tweeted about the guy who, right after Tom shaved my head, handed me his business card and yelled, "I MAKE COFFINS!" Well, let's see, I saw Semmes at the party and he said he was recently sitting with Bob Rafelson (!) on Rafelson's balcony and telling him about how I forced Dr. Theresa to watch the movie HEAD while we were dating and it didn't go over too well and then they tried to call me, but the number Semmes had for me was out of service. So that's the story about the time I didn't get a phone call from Bob Rafelson.

And I had a funny talk with Cynthia Joyce about how movie sex scenes were edited in the 70s. She said she was watching Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway going at it in THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR and couldn't figure out what anything was. "Is that a hairy knee?" she found herself asking during one shot.

Canned Meatballs and Aqua Velva

I'm not sure Hogan is back home from tour yet, where her copy of the dual autobiography of Jim and Henny Backus (I think; so far it's all Jim Backus, though Henny will chime in about Jim's father's excellent golfing skills, for example) is waiting for her. I promised to go slow... and I'm keeping my promise... I'm only on Chapter Three... but I have a great desire to spill the beans about it, as it's all about Jim Backus's friendship with Victor Mature (pictured), which started when they were in military school together (I think that's where Jim won the big football game). DON'T READ THIS, HOGAN. As teenagers they would throw parties in their dorm room, serving drinks made by mixing lemon soda and Aqua Velva. KIDS! DON'T DRINK AFTERSHAVE LOTION. IT WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU. And anyway they don't put the same stuff in it as they did when Jim Backus and Victor Mature were teenagers so what's the point. When he grew up Victor Mature had his own line of canned meatballs. I confirmed this with an old newspaper article - "click" here to read it - which states that Victor Mature "makes love to movie queens for money and peddles television sets and meatballs for fun." As Jen Vafidis points out on twitter we also learn - information not in the book, so far - that "!! his dog is named Genius II because the first Genius is him !!" which strikes me as playful self-deprecation.

His Massive Bald Head

Listening to some Sibelius and wondering what barbs the old MILTON CROSS' ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE GREAT COMPOSERS AND THEIR MUSIC might have to toss at him. You know, Milton Cross and his cronies are very interested in how funny-looking Bruckner was, and how everybody hated Franck, and many other examples of whimsical pettiness I have given you over the dull years of our acquaintance. So I read the little summary of Sibelius's life, and it was pretty worshipful, page upon page of love, in fact, rushing toward an appreciation of his sartorial genius: "He combined meticulousness in his choice of clothes with a passion for comfort. His custom-made suits were sewed a size larger than necessary to give him freedom of movement, and he always wore collars that fitted loosely around the neck. His shoes were made by hand in Berlin." But then, at the beginning of the very next paragraph, old Milton Cross ceases to disappoint! "His massive bald head was evidence of his vanity. When he was forty years old, his first gray hairs appeared. Rather than provide visible proof that he was growing older, he shaved his head and kept it shaved."

It Grows Back Funny

In today's ADVENTURE TIME meeting Pendleton Ward accused me of 1) drinking vodka 2) wearing a robe 3) having "messy hair." 1) It was water! And in any case my clear liquor of choice is gin. By leaps and bounds! 2) It was a nice sweater Dr. Theresa gave me, as Pendleton Ward well knows from earlier encounters! I AM STILL WEARING IT RIGHT NOW. 3) Tom Franklin shaved my head a few years ago at his birthday party (pictured), and I have shaved my own head since then, and it grows back funny, I can't help it. (Photo by Jimmy.)

Of Beards and Dolphins

So when the satellite died we lost all our dvr'd movies. Am I sad? I don't know. I guess that depends on whether you think anything matters. Probably not. I lost SOME KIND OF A NUT, which had repressive desublimation written all over it. It's about Dick van Dyke REFUSING TO SHAVE HIS BEARD! It starts from a bee's point of view, sloppily... I mean, it's sometimes the bee's point of view, sometimes almost the bee's point of view, sometimes not at all the bee's point of view, but you get the distinct and troubling impression that the director THINKS he's in the bee's point of view. That's as far as I got. And now Dick van Dyke and his controversial beard are gone! Gone forever! I wanted to watch THE DAY OF THE DOLPHIN, to see if it matched up with my childhood memories. I recall being in a hotel, the first hotel I ever encountered that was running recent theatrical releases on a special channel, and they just showed THE DAY OF THE DOLPHIN over and over. MOVIE CHANNELS WERE A MIND-BLOWING NOVELTY, Y'ALL. Now they're just dirt to us. As I recall, I didn't want to go outside, wherever we were on vacation. I just wanted to sit in the room and watch THE DAY OF THE DOLPHIN as many times as possible, and I think I did. It's a talking dolphin movie from screenwriter Buck Henry and director Mike Nichols, that's right, the team behind THE GRADUATE, natch! Of course, I didn't know that at the time. I just knew my eyes were secretly welling up with tears when the dolphin, whose name, I think, was "Pha," said to George C. Scott: "Pha LOVE Pa!" The dolphin called George C. Scott "Pa" because George C. Scott had taught him to talk! So George C. Scott was the dolphin's father figure! I guess! Well, anyway, it's erased, zapped, along with 60 other movies. And I never got around to it. And really, who cares? Ward McCarthy also has fond memories of THE DAY OF THE DOLPHIN and mentioned he might try showing it to his kids. I had to remind him that - spoiler alert! - something horrible happens to the dolphins at the end, I am almost certain. As Dr. Theresa would say, and often does, "That's the 1970s for ya!"

McNeil's Encounter with a Young Clerk

McNeil asked a young clerk where to find the Spirograph. "He pretended he had heard of it, stared off into space with eyes full of wonder before I just told him I'd keep looking...for happiness!!! Anyway, I ended up picking up a Magna Doodle, which is a flimsy piece of plastic covering some metal shavings somebody swept off the floor of a machine shop," writes a disgruntled McNeil.

The Barber's Little Joke

One of my undergrads turned in - as a supplement to her final paper - a couple of pages photocopied from the New York Herald of 1913. The headline pertinent to the class was "St. Louis Woman With Perfect Foot Wears a No. 2 1-2 Shoe" (don't ask) but what really got my attention was a brief, unrelated story printed in its entirety in the corner of that same page. I will type it up for you now. Please enjoy, bearing in mind that I have never learned to do "paragraph breaks" on the "blog," which accounts for any confusion you may experience: "FACES DEATH IN HANDS OF BARBER - Customer Causes the Arrest of Razor Wielder Thought To Be Insane or Affected by Drugs. - CHICAGO, Ill., Monday.- John Holm, a newspaper man, had one of the closest shaves of his life to-day. He was shaved by Perry E. Hall, a barber, who constantly discussed the ease with which he might cut Holm's throat. Holm, believing the man either insane or affected by drugs, jested with him until the shaving process was ended and then caused his arrest. 'It's a fine day,' Hall remarked as he lathered Holm. 'Yes,' answered Holm. 'And it's a fine edge I have on my razor to-day,' Hall said. He rested the razor on Holm's neck, and then remarked:- 'I could cut your throat without any trouble.' When the shave was finished Holm got a policeman. The barber will be in court to-morrow." The end. Now, do you think it's possible that the barber was making a joke and the newspaperman didn't have a sense of humor? That's it for the barber. But my student included a page from a few days later in 1913, the pertinent story being "With Tiny Feet in No. 1 AA Shoes New York Woman Defies St. Louis." Once again, my real interest lies elsewhere. The headline in the adjoining column screams "CHURCH TO TEACH HYGIENE OF SEX." But best of all is a story I wish I could read, though the bottom of the photocopy leaves off with just the headline and subhead... on second thought, maybe that's enough: ATHENS "RUBE" GIVES UP CONTEST WITH CITY WITS - Casey, Giant Farmer, Calls All Bets Off When He Is Placed on His Head and His Last Coins Are Shaken from His Pockets." The New York Herald from 1913 is my new favorite newspaper!

Breaking News: I Have Jowls

Finally shaved. Turns out I have jowls!

Literary Matters

Now it is time once again for those two most dreaded words in "blogdom" - "Literary Matters." I apologize in advance. Today we have but two literary matters and I think we can handle it. 1) SPOILER ALERT ahead! James Sepsey writes in - spurred by the Robert Walser book cover showing a monkey holding a straight razor - to remind me that the orangutan in "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" by Edgar Allan Poe uses a straight razor, too, first as it adorably pretends to shave and second as it less adorably kills some people. Sepsey also claims that Poe got the idea for the murderous orangutan from a beloved real-life show biz ape named "Jocko!" (exclamation point original to the ape, claims Sepsey. I am not going to bother to "fact check" this or any other claim about "Jocko!" because the thought of "Jocko!" makes me happy and this is a "blog" and who really cares?) 2) Speaking of Robert Walser, our friend from Hubcap City reveals that he had always thought of Walser vaguely as some sort of Swiss Stephen Crane, and imagined downbeat stories of men in lederhosen lying around in opium dens, which did not appeal to him. The "blog" has changed his mind, he says. He wants to give Robert Walser a chance. He also wants to stress that he admires Stephen Crane for all that seamy MAGGIE: A GIRL OF THE STREETS stuff, though he wasn't overly eager to see the Swiss version. I'm paraphrasing.

"Blog"trospective 1: Tom Franklin

For reasons that have already been discussed, today we are introducing an exciting new feature to the "blog." We call it "blog"trospectives. Say hello to our first subject, Tom Franklin. This is where you go on the "blog" to learn everything that the "blog" has to say about Tom Franklin! And as other "blog"trospectives are introduced, in the eighty or so years we expect to keep on "blogging," we will "link" each "blog"trospective to the one that came before it, creating a mighty library of learning to rival the one in ancient Alexandria. Without further ado, then - Franklin, Tom: Abbott, Megan, and Phillips, Scott, reading CROOKED LETTER, CROOKED LETTER (novel by); accordion played at home of; ADVENTURE TIME plot hinges on favorite TV show of; allegedly curls his hair for a trip to Faulkner's grave; almost titles or subtitles a book THE ALABAMIAD; anniversary of his eating a roasted pig; appearance on a panel with; appears in ill-fated "blog"dex; appears on Anthony Bourdain's television program; appears on TREME; as host; as object of contemplation; as source of encouragement and solace; as test subject for "blog"trospectives; asks about WHERE'S HUDDLES; at Faulkner's grave; at my birthday party; at opening of Turnrow Book Co; attends a party at Jimmy Buffett's mother's house; attends a wedding; auspices of; award-winning poet; becomes a New York Times best seller; behind on his viewing of LOST; brings comic books to my sickbed; brings even more comic books; brings OMAC comic books to lunch; brings over comic books about Zatanna, the Flash, and Swamp Thing; Brontë, Anne, reminds me of; buys me comic books; changes his mind about in what order I should read a couple of Stephen King books; chicken in yard of; claims I have "left gatherings to 'blog'"; coffee and shower, both hot, provided by; considers driving several hours to meet Susan Minot, but then doesn't; consternation of; coughs up a gnat---CROOKED LETTER, CROOKED LETTER (novel); crows constantly discussed at dinner with; daughter of; daughter of plays the game I mistakenly think is called "Mumbly-Peg"---Demon, The; discussed at lunch with; depressed about Captain Marvel; digs out an old paperback, with disappointing results; discusses spelling; does Styx at karaoke; doesn't like to see woman's head get swatted off by a grizzly bear; doubts the continued existence of "blogs"; drinks at TGI Friday's on Christmas Eve---drinks from an ornate silver goblet; drinks from the goblet of a murderer; drive to Arkansas with; dual protagonists and; eats a roasted pig; Edgar nominee, 2011; enjoys the movie WHIFFS; explains that a giant who changes size isn't really a giant; extra in DEADWOOD, an; faces his fears; eyes of; "fave" FRASIER episode of; favorite movie is DUMB & DUMBER; fear of Barbara Eden; fear of Barbara Eden not laughable; first met at Olive Garden; forced to dress up as a duke; forgets what's in his books; gets a great review in the Washington Post; gives the gift of horror comics; glasses of shield him from "devil eyes" effect; gothic short story of, featuring Buck Owens; "Grit" (short story by); hanging out with at City Grocery Bar; has a cool mailbox; has a fan in "Comic Book Villain"; hates wasps; hiccuping through lunch with; I watch his favorite FRASIER episode; indirectly provides important answers; influence of Charles Portis on punctuation; inspires the excessive purchase of old comic books; interviewed by Boswell Book Company of Milwaukee; interviewer of contacts "blog"; introduces Lewis Nordan; introduces me to Fly Man; introduces me to Via Bleidner; introduces William Gay novel; is a golden goose of sorts; keen eye for natural phenomena; killing time before a drink with; knocking one back with; Kubert, Joe; Franklin announces the death of; LAST NIGHT AT THE LOBSTER and; laugh shared with; likes "blog"; likes same movie as history professor's son; Lippfrankmanlinfest and; lives in Brazil; long lunch with; looks like an old wizard in a book club; loves soup; lunch with; lunch with, and consequences of, foreseen; makes a regular thing of shaving my head; McNeil claims to have as many adventures as; mentioned in interview; moderation of; "Nap Time" (short story); niceness of; "Noir at the Bar" reading subject of plugging; not done with New York Times best seller list; old Daredevil comic book of; on Alabama ghosts; on Black Canary and Green Arrow; on Blues Brothers; on marital relationship of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl; on relationship between Plastic Man and a sexy nuclear scientist; para-glides off mountain; photo of Dr. Theresa by; picture of reading in eerie lamplight; pictured amidst gaggle of writers; praised by Nick Hornby; proof that we shucked oysters; proof that we've met; prose of; publicist of; reading PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT while waiting for; reads from Faulkner's niece's memoir; recipient of Mike Douglas Prize; recognizes Paul Giamatti; recommends AN ARSONIST'S GUIDE TO WRITERS' HOMES IN NEW ENGLAND by Brock Clarke; recommends DOCTOR SLEEP; reminisces about canned pear; represents one of the 50 ways to love Jerry Lewis; sees Jerry Lewis on Brasilian television; sees monkeys; sees spiders like brooches; shaves my head; shirtless; shown a business card with a dragon on it; "Shubuta" (short story by); shucking oysters with; SIDESWIPE (Willeford novel) given to as present; Smonk as novel title and middle name; SMONK (novel) has own MySpace page; speaks of moors, bogs and fens; starts me on the road to shame and ruin; takes me to a movie; texting Tom about Superman; texting with about the finer points of cowboy comic books; THAT'S MY BOY and; thinks movies might be better than writing; thinks of Jerry Lewis in Brasil; varieties of ladybug and; went to see a movie about e-mail with; wins gold dagger; wins LA Times Book Prize; witnesses the undoing of eyeglass repairs; writes one of the two good things on the "internet".