McNeil Absolved of Blasphemy

1. We drove down to visit my parents. We got a rental car with some of that sweet, sweet satellite radio we have learned to enjoy. So I turn it on and here comes "American Pie," Dr. Theresa's least favorite song. When he sang "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry," Dr. Theresa said, "Drive it in! You can't drive it fast enough for me!" Ouch! Later, I was thinking, hey, shouldn't a levee be dry anyway? Isn't it supposed to keep the water out? I cannot vouch for the accuracy of my idle musing. So, anyway, changing the selection before Dr. Theresa could explode, I noticed that one of the preset stations specialized in bluegrass. "Did you set this to bluegrass?" I asked with obvious astonishment. Dr. Theresa's response, which was not exactly an answer, was something like, "What's wrong with bluegrass?" The answer is nothing. There is nothing wrong with bluegrass. But when I put it on the bluegrass channel, Dr. Theresa made me change it again because bluegrass, according to her, "sounds like they did a bunch of coke." An exact quotation! 2. My dad goes to a particular Waffle House every Saturday morning with a collection of his cronies. Dad said that someone who lives next door to this Waffle House keeps chickens, and the chickens wander over and hang out in the parking lot. People feed them. It's all part of the experience. I was of course reminded of the Original Frosty Mug, and the chickens that used to peck around your feet while you tried to drink a milkshake. I wondered glumly and aloud whether the Original Frosty Mug could possibly still be open for business seeing as how the interstate has been improved - quite a few years ago now - to bypass the town. Dad said there was a new chicken at the Waffle House. I asked him how he knew it was new. He said it had "different feathers and a different attitude." He described it as a "quick-acting, small chicken who didn't know the procedure." Quote! 3. While visiting down there on the Gulf Coast, I received an email from McNeil, indicating that he had received his copy of the Apocryphal Gospels. He waited so long for it that I was sure he would be disappointed, but such did not appear to be the case, as McNeil remarked gleefully that Young Jesus should have been sent to military school. I do not consider this blasphemy, given the apocryphal nature of the text. 4. As we began our departure from the Gulf Coast by way of the Dauphin Island Bridge, I was given to remark, "Pelicans are cool. You know, they got their big old mouths." QUOTE! I thought I could put that line in an upcoming unpublished novel. Speaking of my unpublished novels, I'll have something else to say about them below. 5. I accidentally left my hat at my parents' house! It was a nice hat I bought at a shop in Pasadena recommended by Adam Muto. I wore it to the racetrack with Pen! If I ever want my hat back, I guess I'll have to visit my parents again. 6. While down there, I received texts from Megan on the evening she attended Wallace Shawn's new play. She has a good story about all that, but I shan't share it here as it is hers alone. But I will tell you this! When I got home, I was reading the New York Times... and look, I skipped the New York Times a couple of days while traveling. Was it a relief? I think it was! But now I'm back to reading the New York Times and I see a review of Wallace Shawn's new play. And here, I'll quote a little bit from the review, which observes of one character, "given his ontological understanding of the Big Bang, all action is preordained." So! I have a character in one of my unpublished novels who thinks the same thing! And I was like, oh no, people will think I am trying to rip off Wallace Shawn in the unlikely event my unpublished novel is ever published! So I sent Megan an excerpt of my novel, to get her opinion about whether or not people in this highly improbable future I have imagined will think I'm trying to rip off Wallace Shawn. Here, I'll share a small portion of the chapter I sent Megan: "Everything was made of molecules! Every single thing that ever happened was because of a couple of molecules banging into one another, causing the creation of the universe itself, in Gram Rattan’s understanding. Everything that happened after that was just more and more molecules banging around. Even the thoughts in Gram Rattan’s head! ... Molecules obeying immutable laws! That first molecule hitting that second molecule, well, that was the only thing that had ever really 'happened' in Gram Rattan’s opinion. The rest was gravy." So anyway, Megan told me that in the Wallace Shawn play, the moment must have passed so subtly she barely noticed it. I paraphrase. Anyhow, we can all breathe a sigh of relief! 7. You know who plays the "Big Bang Guy," as I call him, in Wallace Shawn's play? John Early! He was in an episode of SUMMER CAMP ISLAND I worked on! And Wallace Shawn was on ADVENTURE TIME! I'm not 100% sure, but I think maybe he was on SUMMER CAMP ISLAND as well. Anyway, based on a profile I read of him in the New York Times, he would love it if you went up and shouted that fact in his face, especially if he happened to be standing in a "temple of art." According to the New York Times, if there is one thing Wallace Shawn can't get enough of, it is standing around in a "temple of art." 8. You know I don't care to lug a big fat book with me when I travel. So I left Witold Gombrowicz at home. Upon my return, I opened it up and the first thing I read was "God, allow me to vomit up the human body!" Ha ha. You had to be there. That's old Gomby for you. Funny, I was already thinking of him as "old Gomby" when Megan texted, referring to him as "Gommy." I bet he would love it! As much as Wallace Shawn would love to be told by strangers on the street that when he was on ADVENTURE TIME, his character farted.

Ye Olde Pink Trick

Ah, well. Yes! I guess tonight is my only "event" for my new book of short stories entitled MOVIE STARS. Megan Abbott has flown down from NYC to rake me over the coals "in conversation" at Square Books this evening. The primary question is which jacket to wear. What? You're reading a "blog," dimwit. This is what you get. Now, Chris Offutt has upped the ante - again and again! - on "event jackets" around here, which is why I am leaning toward the pink. BUT! I've worn it a lot. True, true, it was mostly in Los Angeles, as seen here with my friend and coworker Julia Pott and our outdated novelty pillow. But in our crazy digital age does geography matter? Besides, I've even worn it on airplanes! Look at that face. That (above) is the deadened visage of a man who has just crawled off an airplane, in fact. Has my pink jacket been overexposed? The airplane wear, in addition, has left it somewhat creased. There may be an unsightly spot or two of indefinite origin, I won't deny it. I tried that old trick of hanging it in the bathroom while the water steams and rages, in the hopes of smoothing it out, to not much avail. I did the same with my "John T. Edge" brand shirt. That's right, he has a shirt brand named after him! He's John T. Edge, damn it. And if you want to know, this particular "John T. Edge" shirt has dots on it that are cleverly made with intricate knots of thread, unseen to the casual observer, lining the inside of the shirt, giving the wearer a cozy sense of... holy God I'm even boring myself talking about this shirt now. You know what? Maybe I'll hit 'em with the old steam again. I MUST wear the pink! I must! Otherwise Chris Offutt is going to be there in who knows what manner of glory, like a wedding guest who dares to arrive in white, I just know it. Hey, I just went to BBB and ate a Pylon with lots of onions, precisely the thing before an event with people. I stopped by Square Books on my walk home and Katelyn said I should "get a puppet buddy," a suggestion I brooded over the rest of the way back, and indeed over which I continue to brood. You can take it lots of ways.

Santa's Face

I'm cooking a goose for Christmas. Believe it or not we don't really have any goose-cooking supplies around here. So I went out today. First I stopped by The End of All Music to see Bill Boyle, whom you can usually find behind the counter on a Sunday. I saw that the new arrivals bin was stocked with interesting things and Bill said that many of them were the abandoned records of a mutual friend (should I reveal his name? It's probably nobody's beeswax!) who's moving out of town. Speaking of none of your beeswax, I had an email from my old pal Abby Greenbaum, full of juicy music biz gossip about big-name country stars. But I can't tell you any of it! I can only give you some of the last part of the email: "The next day I hung out at Santa's Pub and, in honor of Christmas, did tarot readings for my roadie friends. Have you ever been to Santa's Pub? It is a triple wide trailer in South Nashville that is also a bar. Beers cost $2, and Santa's face is painted on the outside." But back to the goose! I was grousing to Bill that I really shouldn't buy any LPs because I had to spend my money on goose supplies, and Bill insisted on buying my stack of records for me. (Pictured above, one of them.) How often do you walk into a place and the guy working there buys your stuff for you? Talk about Christmas cheer! Speaking of which, I couldn't find any cooking twine at the grocery store so this guy who works there walked back behind the mysterious doors of the meat department and came back with a length of cooking twine for me. "Just stick that in your pocket," he said. Dang! I forgot to tell you that after I saw Bill I stopped for a bite to eat at Big Bad Breakfast, where, to my alarm, the Food Network had set up and was shooting something. I sat at the counter, not too far from an intensely glowing young couple they were interviewing. ("Random customers, I don't think they're from here," my server told me.) The Food Network had forced these clean-cut sweethearts to order a Pylon apiece. Now, these trim and fresh-faced matinee idols looked as if they'd barely be able to finish half a Pylon between them. Have I told you about the Pylon? It's named for the Faulkner novel, natch. It's a waffle with lots of stuff on top. Slaw and chopped-up hot dogs and chili and oyster crackers and hot peppers and I can't remember what all. Mustard, for instance. The Pylon cures your hangover. Now, this rosy-cheeked ingenue and her all-American beau have never had a hangover in their tender lives, I avow. But they cautiously approached their Pylons in the spirit of good sportsmanship. The funny part was that the interviewer would ask them things like, "Why do you think this place is named 'Big Bad Breakfast'?" "I don't know," was their reasonable answer. (It is named for Larry Brown's book BIG BAD LOVE, but how are they supposed to know that?) "What do you think is the origin of the Pylon?" asked the interviewer. "I don't know," the young woman said.

Pitcher Story

Here's a story Mom just told me on the telephone. So, 30 years ago there was this friend of Dad's at the house and he saw this pewter pitcher with a broken lid. He told Mom, "I have a friend who's a jeweler and he can fix this pitcher." So Mom said "Great!" and gave him the pitcher to take to his friend. So today, the same guy ran into Dad at the Waffle House. He said, "Hey, I have something for you." And he went out to his car and retrieved that pewter pitcher, which he had taken away 30 years ago and no one had spoken of since. It still wasn't fixed!

Meet McNeil's Lunch

Here is what McNeil had for lunch. No word on whether he used Paul Lynde's famous diet waffle recipe. These are McNeil's actual waffles, by the way, not some cheap "grab" off the "internet." Last night McNeil had Froot Loops for dinner. He sent me a picture of the box at the time. But we're putting fewer new pictures on the "blog" now so you will just have to imagine McNeil's Froot Loops for yourself.

Paul Lynde's Diet Waffles

I feel I should mention that the recipe for Paul Lynde's diet waffles which accompanied the previous "post" was found at "the official Paul Lynde site approved by the Paul Lynde estate." Keep your volume up, so you can hear Paul Lynde say "Oh my goodness!" over and over. Yes, the site is equipped with McNeil's "fave" feature - the celebrity audio clip. You can get Mr. Lynde's beef stew recipe as well. (NOTE: Waffles pictured are not necessarily Paul Lynde's diet waffles.)

"Blog"trospective 5: Sandwiches

Welcome to Volume V of "'Blog'trospectives," your handy reference guide to the world of the "blog." Our subject is sandwiches. Please browse the index at your leisure, "clicking" lazily here and there. SANDWICHES: alternating mortadella and roast beef---anchovy and egg---anthropomorphic hot dog licking its lips---as symbolic of something no word can describe---as traditional Labor Day fare---at Bobcat Drive-In---baloney in library parking lot---barbecue with slaw, eaten by Lewis Nordan before running away from home---Bendix, William; juicy hot dog stabbed and inspected by---"Big Easy"---big slice of pork, golden brown---bite of ribeye tucked into a Yorkshire pudding, a---BLT---Bogart, Humphrey; eats a sandwich---board---Boom Boom Chicken---Brooks, Foster, enjoys one with a cup of coffee---burgers; destiny of---butter and sugar---butter and sugar in the works of Whorton, Powell, Morrison, and Lee---catfish, bonus---catfish hot dogs---catfish, very likely ersatz---cheeseburger from Handy Andy's (actually a double cheeseburger)---"Cheeseburger in Paradise"---cheesesteaks, possible---chicken salad---chili burgers---chopped-up hot dogs on a waffle---club named "Club Sandwich"---cocktail franks---cold dogs---cold weenies---condiments potentially misremembered---Coney Island hot dog hoax---connection posited between hypothetical hamburger restaurant and alchemy---construction of hot dog observed---consumed at the 1939-1940 New York World's Fair---creme---Cuban---cucumber, with Lizzie Borden---Dagwood---dancing---dancing sandwiches no laughing matter---De Niro, Robert; and a half-eaten sandwich---diablo---double cheeseburger constructed from two single cheeseburgers---double cheeseburgers the night before Thanksgiving---Dudie burger---during a CHEERS rerun---Eagle Rock hot dogs---Earl of---ease of consumption postulated---eaten in presence of a young man with a walking stick, white clown makeup, derby---egg---falling down with hot dogs---fancifully imagined ham sandwich, a---fancy hot dog place---farewell cheeseburgers---feeding a tuna fish sandwich to a possum---fierce-colored hot dogs---football game hot dog---Francis, Kay; wants a drink, is offered a sandwich instead---Frankenstuffs (sandwich ingredient)---Freeman, Morgan; talk of hamburgers leads to sighting of---Freudian hot dog---fried peanut butter and banana---from Alon's Bakery---Gannon, Bill, and---generous salami---giant hot dog crashes into somebody's house in Wisconsin---"great sandwiches of English literature"---grilled cheese---grilled cheese in a secret bar---Habib's hamburgers (Brasil)---ham on rye---ham sandwich used as example in early 20th-century newspaper article---hamburger delusion---hamburger fetched by a scarecrow---hamburger meat as pink and moist as Mario Batali's forehead---hamburger murder scandal---hamburger, raw---hamburgers with Elliot Gould---head in one hand; sandwich in the other---herring---home hot dog cooker---Host, Jon; burger problem of---hot dog at a Mummenschanz show---hot dog bread pudding---hot dog eaten in someone's apartment, circa 1976---hot dog fed to a possum (attempted)---Hot Dog Island---HOT DOG (kids' show)---hot dog preference of Bizarro superdog---hot dog with lots of mustard displayed and subsequently consumed by Dr. Theresa at Turner Field---hot dogs cooked by "Hot Stuff the Li'l Devil"---hot dogs named after Joe Mantegna characters---hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut in the parking lot of the Clermont Lounge---"Hot Portobello Sub"---hypothetical cheeseburger of Kent Osborne---hypothetical smoked sausage---Ice Cube's pastrami---Impossible Cheeseburger Pie---in the works of Ingmar Bergman---in the works of Ingmar Bergman, Part 2---"International Newspaper Sandwich Award"---Italian beef---Italian beef combo---Ito, Elizabeth; is reminded of the time we ate hot dogs together---Jackie O.'s hot dogs---Jackie O.'s hot dogs (correction)---J.J. Special---Kelly, Grace; eats unidentified sandwich---kid wearing Jughead hat prepares to eat hot dog---lamb sausage made with cherries---leftover Christmas ham and pimento cheese (grilled)---leftover roast---lemongrass-roasted pork po-boy with crawfish---Lobel's hot dogs---Luke makes Lorelai a hamburger shaped like Santa on GILMORE GIRLS---made by Joey Lauren Adams---mail drop facility has name like sandwich shop---man who "can't even fry a hambuger," a---margarine and sugar---marinated chicken sub; discontinuation of---marinated chicken sub; last---"McNeil Month by Month" and---metaphorical hamburger---more chiliburgers---muffaletta---mustard and American cheese---Namath, Joe; eats a stolen sandwich---National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, The---Neutral Milk Hotel plays while I eat a hamburger---no sandwiches on the planet Thanagar---"Olsen sandwich"---on ADVENTURE TIME---on TV---Orange Julius hamburger---Osborne, Kent; eats chicken sandwich during video conference---Osborne, Kent; eats hot dog in Chicago (photo)---"Osborne, The"---Osborne Sandwich mistaken for Pendarvis Sandwich---Ossie's Bar-B-Que and Hamburgers---patty melt, my last---peanut butter in the dark---perfect patty melt---pig ear, thousands of---pimento cheese---Pink's hot dogs---plovers' egg---preference of Harrison Ford for finger sandwiches---prevalence of on "internet"---priest, a; appears while I am waiting for my Osborne Sandwich---Queen's favorite sandwich, the---quest for greatest fast-food hamburger, dimly recalled---rib, with bone---Sandwich, Joe---Saunders, George, eats a corn dog---sausage dog---"Scary Gyros"---sentient---Sheen, Martin; furtively clutches a bag of burgers---Silverstone, Alicia; egg salad sandwiches of---slabs of prime rib as big as terra cotta roof tiles---spies eat sandwiches---split by Bob and Dolores Hope on their first date---Stang's hot dogs---Steak Scrap---square hot dogs---Superman eats like a million hamburgers---Superman roasts hot dogs with his eyes---Superman squats and hunches over as he shovels hamburgers into his mouth---swimming champion in a commercial for---talking hamburgers---tasty-looking burger, a---Taylor, Elizabeth; cooks hot dogs---Thompson, Wright; presence of glows benevolently over sandwich eating---too abundant---treacle on bread---"Tropical Hot Dog Night"---"tubesteak" as another word for hot dog---tuna sandwich remembered to inspire nickname on sitcom---turtle hot dog---Tweety---unprotected---used in international smuggling operations---Varsity chili dogs---Verdell steps on some sandwich meat---Warhol, Andy; claims that Eisenhower bought the queen a ballpark hot dog---Weenie Whirl---wrapped in newsprint---yuzu mayo on a ham sandwich. Thank you. Please don't forget to enjoy our previous "blog"trospectives. Collect them all! Trade with your friends! VOLUME I: Tom Franklin; VOLUME II: Phil Oppenheim; VOLUME III: Movies; VOLUME IV: The Moon.

Food

Speaking of Dr. "M.," as I was several hours ago, yesterday's book purchases included the foodways volume of the New Encyclopedia of Southern Culture, containing Dr. "M.'s" elegant, witty, and informative article on Krispy Kreme. Aside from the pleasure and privilege of reading that entry in its entirety, there were other items of immediate personal interest to the "blog," as was evident at the earliest stages of browsing - everything the layman would ever wish to know about sorghum, for example, as well as a nice, long piece on my late mentor Eugene Walter (called in the encyclopedia by his full name, Eugene Ferdinand Walter, probably to distinguish him from Eugene Walter the early twentieth century playwright). I think Eugene would have been pleased and amused to find himself wedged alphabetically between Waffle House and George Washington. For a recording of Eugene reading one of his poems, "click" here.