The Owl of Conceit

I called it! When the 2-person book club began reading this biography of Polly Adler by Debby Applegate, I said to myself, "Jack," I said, "If this book has an owl in it at all, it will be a so-called 'night owl.'" And what do you know? Applegate gives us "night owls lingered over a bowl of matzoh ball soup." Right again, Pendarvis! You're a genius. But that's not all. After I put down Polly Adler, I picked up my nightly tonic, an old comic book. Of course you recall how Tom Franklin brought me some old comic books in the hospital, and some more old comic books when I got home, and soon I was buying my own old comic books like a deranged fiend. But what you didn't know is that Tom brought me even more old comics books after that! He's like a golden goose that keeps laying old comic books and I promise never to open him up to see how it works, as in the old fairy tale. That story taught me a lesson! Anyhow, I was reading an old comic book from Tom's most recent delivery, a story about a character of whom, like El Diablo and The Shroud before him, I had never heard. And this lively fellow's name was The Viking Prince. So this here Viking Prince meets a princess, and this here princess says, "I WILL NEVER MARRY THIS -- THIS -- OWL OF CONCEIT!" So I shut my old comic book and lay there thinking my wise thoughts. And I thought and thought, and the thought came to me that the hilarious idea of an owl of conceit reminded me of a book I read at least a few times as a teenager, a book called THE PLATYPUS OF DOOM AND OTHER NIHILISTS, and I lay there trying to remember any of the contents, of which only a salacious detail or two came back to me. I still have my copy! As you can see in the photo above, it resides on the drugstore-style paperback spinner I have right here in my home office where I type these mesmerizing words that appear before your wondering eyes like magic. Okay, now I must move on to a spoiler for one of the stupid word puzzles in the New York Times. I know people are serious about their stupid New York Times word puzzles, so if you get up every morning and do a stupid New York Times word game puzzle (not the crossword) like some kind of glasses-wearing egghead, I advise you to stop reading now. All right! Here we go. Have you stopped reading? Ha ha! You don't exist! And if you did, you wouldn't have read this far anyway. So, one of the producers of a secret project I can't tell you about got me going on this particular stupid New York Times word game puzzle thing. So, you must recall that I spent the night tossing and turning and thinking about the platypus. Not something that comes to mind often! Not to my mind. This morning, I get up and do my stupid New York Times puzzle word game puzzle game puzzle thing. And one of the answers is... TRADEMARKS OF A PLATYPUS. In conclusion, I leafed through my old copy of PLATYPUS OF DOOM and there is a cigarette ad in the middle of it. That's how it used to be! I don't think my grandfather owned a book without a cigarette ad in the middle.

Herbivore!

Wow! It turns out that Dr. Theresa has seen the ENTIRE alien Viking dragon movie I was talking about. I had no idea! What other secrets is she keeping from me? She filled me in on some of the details. Like, the "hero" of the movie (the alien) has (in Dr. Theresa's words) "wiped out a whole planet of animals that weren't doing anything to anybody." And "even though he feels conflicted" he "has to kill this last one" (the dragon in question). "And the monster is mostly an herbivore," Dr. Theresa concluded. The movie's nonchalance about these matters bothered her!

Aliens and Vikings and Dragons, Oh My

I saw the first fifteen minutes of a movie last night. I would like to tell you about it. There is this alien played by the guy who took the title role in THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. And he lands on earth in the time of the Vikings! The Vikings are represented by John Hurt (!) who is an old Viking having a sword fight with his daughter (!!). He wants his daughter to marry some mean Viking and his daughter is like, "No way!" which is why they are having the sword fight, which we join in medias res. The old John Hurt Viking father chops his daughter's arm during the sword fight and then he is like, "I'm sorry! Let me get a sponge." As he is tending to his daughter's wound with a sponge, the mean Viking walks in and announces he has captured the alien. They have the alien tied up outside, and later, when the daughter Viking walks by with a bucket of water (in my hazy memory it is a bucket of water; people in these kinds of movies are always walking around carrying buckets of water from place to place) she glances at the alien and you can tell where that's going! Under interrogation, the alien reveals that he is on earth to FIGHT DRAGONS! As Annette Hanshaw used to say, "That's all."

Suddenly Vikings

I am exactly one half of the way through CHRISTIANITY: THE FIRST THREE THOUSAND YEARS by Diarmaid MacCulloch. I know, I know, it's taking me forever. So many colorful distractions! Such as the abusive pierogi! In any case, we find ourselves in Kiev, the year 1015, with a saint named Gleb, which would add up nicely had the book been called CHRISTIANITY: THE FIRST TWO THOUSAND YEARS (by the way, it starts many centuries before Christianity and builds up to it, in case you were wondering about the title). But as I have mentioned, the book jumps around in time a lot. For example, just a few pages ago I was in the 17th century, enjoying "the first cup of coffee ever witnessed in the University of Oxford." And then, suddenly, back to the ninth century for Vikings! What a bunch of nogoodniks. We took care of the Vikings in like two pages.

Oblique Frozen Mammoth Recollection

Theresa and I were watching a movie called SO LONG AT THE FAIR, the plot of which reminded me of something I had read in that touchstone of my tender youth, the Reader's Digest publication STRANGE STORIES, AMAZING FACTS. But never mind about SO LONG AT THE FAIR. While I was looking for the particular article, I stumbled across a section entitled "Ten-Thousand-Year-Old-Steaks," which is about some woolly mammoths found frozen in Siberia, and how delicious they are! Yes, says Reader's Digest, "In spite of the thousands of years that have passed, the meat is still good enough to eat - according to those who have tried." But those few passing words are all you hear about the people who supposedly ate millennia-old woolly mammoth meat! Not another hint about it in the article, nor anything at all about steaks, save for the title. Why am I telling you this? Well, no good reason. But remember my novel that I first turned in to my publisher over a year and half ago and it was coming out in August and got reviewed and everything, and maybe someone will bring it out someday when they're feeling better, but I don't know because nobody will tell me? Remember that? Well, I believe I refer obliquely to these frozen mammoth steaks in that novel. You'll never know because 1) it's oblique and 2) you'll never read the novel because it only exists in a mysterious land somewhere far away with coconut moonbeams and butterscotch lakes and ever so many pixies as far as the eye can see. But I thought it was funny that those frozen mammoth steaks must have been stuck in my head since childhood, and I had no idea where that image came from when I put it - or something like it - in the semi-nonexistent novel. How about that! Thanks for everything, Reader's Digest! The idea probably wouldn't have stuck in my head for so long had it been more concrete than "those who have tried," and I guess there's a lesson in there somewhere for somebody. Oh, here's the section from my book. Who cares? Maybe I should just publish it here on the "blog" one random paragraph at a time: "He thought he remembered a newspaper story about a Viking ship that had been frozen in the ice. Scientists found steaks on board, steaks from Viking times, and Burns believed that the scientists had cooked and eaten one of the steaks just for fun, although that didn’t sound like scientists, who were usually a******s."

Pantomatic For the People

Sally Timms has spoken. It's almost time for the third annual traditional Christmas panto at the Hideout Bar in Chicago. And once again, I am honored to help out with the script. I was loath to divulge this year's theme, but I see it is already up at the Hideout's "web" site. As you may recall, we have assayed fish and Vikings. Now it is time for dinosaurs. Please prepare yourself for MUTINY ON THE BEAGLE: A DARWINIAN ROMP IN SEARCH OF THE JURASSIC ORIGINS OF CHRISTMAS. Expect some hilarious Fletcher Christian references! Once again, Mekon and man-about-town Jon Langford will star as the "panto dame." I found this picture of him on the Hideout site. Just look how handsome he is! Though the picture may not help much because he will certainly be in drag when you see him. Pantomatic!

Son of Panto

I should remind everyone that it is almost time for the second annual Christmas Panto at the fabulous Hideout Bar in Chicago. Once again I have been entrusted with Act 2, Scene 2. I sent it off and so far... silence. Ominous silence. The production will once again be under the direction of Sally Timms. It will again star Jon Langford as the "panto dame" and Kelly Hogan as the villain - this time, Hogan the Horrible. That's right, our new theme is Vikings (and daleks). I am sad to admit that I did not know what a dalek was. Langford was obliged to call me on the telephone and explain. I think I have it now. They're robots (I think) from the TV show DR. WHO. (The woman who runs our "fave" Aquaman "blog" will be very upset to discover that I didn't know what a dalek was. She "blogs" about Dr. Who all the time!) So if you like Vikings and daleks, get yourself out to see the big show, running from Dec. 20-22. If you would like to see Sally Timms singing with the steel guitar virtuoso Jon Rauhouse, go to my myspace page. She is in the music section, just under Laurel & Hardy and right above Thelonious Monk.

The Cable

The cable is back, in case you were worried! Theresa and I came in forty minutes late to JACK THE GIANT KILLER, starring Kerwin Mathews, whose passing we have so recently lamented. The scene we happened upon took place on a sailing vessel, as some sailors were menaced by glowing entities. One of them seemed to be a duck or lizard that could blow powerful wind out of its mouth/beak. Another was some kind of skeleton bride, I believe. In the next scene we met the main villain, whose demeanor, henchmen, and lair MUST have inspired Terry Gilliam when he came up with the Evil Genius for TIME BANDITS. The similarities are too numerous to be coincidental, according to the calculations of the Pendarvis Building computer bank. And later we got a Viking, a leprechaun, and a chimpanzee in a black bikini bottom - nor were these the totality of the exciting characters to be encountered. Meanwhile, on the next channel down, they were showing KEEPING THE FAITH, a mild, possibly neutered romantic comedy starring Ed Norton and Ben Stiller, two very likable young performers, and I couldn't help but marvel at how the tacky visions of misguided crackpots are always preferable to the tasteful displays of respectable executives. Okay, bye!