Discontinued Crystal Shrimp

Nobody asked me, but every time I go on a trip I jot down what happens in a little jotting book of jottings and when I get home I type up the jottings for an uncaring world. This set is especially boring. One highlight is buying a comb. But that's not going to stop me. There's a good part where Julia and I see Rory Gilmore. I don't want to get your hopes up. In fact I care very little about you. 1. Rode to the airport with Bill Boyle, who was on his way to France to be lauded. 2. I couldn't bring Tom Bissell's book on the plane. You know how I feel about lugging big, hefty books onto a plane. You probably discuss my feelings on the subject around your family dinner table! So I brought DON JUAN, the book-lenghth poem by Lord Byron: a manageable, if arguably bulky, paperback. But here's what! Right before I left the house I read about John Chrysostom in Tom's book (the name "comes from chrysostomos, 'the golden-mouthed,'" Tom reminds us) and then he

(Chrysostom, not Tom) popped up out of no dang where in stanza 47 of the Byron poem! I was all, "I can't wait to tell everybody!" I was like, "People will finally love me!" And here we are sharing the moment. 3. "All we have are chicken enchiladas," the flight attendant said with a distinct air of foreboding. I said to bring 'em on. Something spurted out of an enchilada and made a small blot on the same blindingly white shirt from which I had just - with some difficulty - removed Pat McHale's infamous wine stains. 4. The plane landed and thus began my layover. I noticed my seatmate removing a flute and two saxophones from the overhead compartment. As we deplaned we had a good conversation about Sonny Rollins and Ornette Coleman. 5. I got on another airplane. My former seatmate was on that plane too! This time he told me his name was Kirk Whalum - a name that sounded familiar to me. He described himself as primarily an "R&B saxophonist." We got to talking about Mississippi and he told me one of his saxophones was to be placed in a museum in Clarksdale. I said I'd go look at it one day. 6. Watched some of the Fey/Poehler comedy SISTERS inflight. They put too much detergent in the washing machine and suds go everywhere, just like the Bob Hope movie BACHELOR IN PARADISE (above), so we're still in that era of comedy, it never ended like you thought it did, the too-much-detergent era of comedy. 7. The plane lands. Leaving LAX I see a limo driver holding a sign that says KIRK WHALUM. 8. Into the Burbank office for an ADVENTURE TIME meeting. Julia told me she had sent a text about how she and I might be able to get onto the GILMORE GIRLS reunion set that very afternoon. In return she received a succinct yet highly suggestive reply ("How that *****"), which, as it so happens to turn out, was not from me. Kent had given her an obsolete number, which now belongs, it seems, to some saucy personage. 9. Julia and I visit the fringes of the active GILMORE GIRLS set, using methods I should not divulge. Fake, possibly carcinogenic snow lies in lumps upon the parking lot, having strayed from its place. For you see, it is winter in Stars Hollow. Fake snow is everywhere. (When did I switch to present tense? Who cares? I may switch back soon.) To paraphrase James Joyce, "Yes, the newspapers were right: fake snow was general all over Stars Hollow." Suddenly Rory appears! Rory Gilmore leaves the set and we watch her as she makes the long walk to a public restroom (and, at some time later, back). How near are we? I'm not a good judge of such things. Let's say she was like a mighty lioness, brimming with grace and power, spied from, say, the relative safety of a safari Jeep... she was close enough, I mean, to to fill us with awe and holy fear. Rory Gilmore was wearing what I would call a "fawn-colored coat," despite the fact that I'm not sure what color a fawn is, other than "fawn-colored." Nobody dared take a picture, not of Rory, but here's

Julia captured in the very moment, this is what Julia's face looks like when she's reflecting the radiance that no mortal sees without sinking into madness. Seeing Rory Gilmore! 10. Back at my hotel, I notice that the pet store across the street has gone out of business. But it - or a fictional version of it - is immortalized forever in my new book of short stories MOVIE STARS, available now at a reputable book dealer near you. While supplies last! 11. Bought an expensive comb at the place where I accidentally bought an expensive brush before. The plastic comb had the words HAND MADE on it. Can that be true? The brand is "Kent." I was going to tell Kent all about it, but I forgot. 12. It occurs to me that I was staying at the very same place where I arrived sans comb in 2007, at which time I decided to do without a comb for the length of my stay. I was so young and bold! What happened to you, Pendarvis? 13. Back at Cartoon Network I had a nice talk with Elizabeth Ito. "You came on the day when they're shaking the building," she said. "I think they're paving the alley. So the building is shaking and it smells like asphalt." Everything she said was true! That wasn't the main thing we talked about. Later in the writers' room we were all laughing a lot and when someone finally opened the door it was clear that the room had filled up with poisonous fumes wafting from the construction site. It had happened so slowly none of us had noticed. We just thought we were having a good time! 14. I saw Ako! She said she still had a picture I drew of a "mush pot." I didn't remember, until she reminded me, that we had discussed the function of the "mush pot" in certain iterations of the children's game duck-duck-goose. 15. Have I never told you of my friend Cristina? She's my Italian pal from the land of Italy. Whenever I go to Los Angeles she takes me to an Italian restaurant meeting her approval. Last time, I told her a favorite line from THE DECAMERON and she translated it back into Italian for me! 16. I could tell you about karaoke but let's just say Tom Franklin did Styx and leave it at that.

17. Who stayed in our private karaoke room until the very end, yes, who shut it down? Kent, Pen, me and the somewhat eerie stranger nobody knew. 18. I came to this couplet in DON JUAN: "His blood was up; though young, he was a Tartar/ And not at all disposed to prove a martyr." And I thought of Jon Host. I thought, "That's a Jon Host rhyme!" You probably don't know what I'm talking about because you don't know Jon Host or how he rhymes but if it's not clear enough yet, I don't care about you and you're not reading this anyway and I don't care about that either. It was pleasant to be reminded of my old friend Jon Host and to consider the pleasure he would have received from "Tartar/martyr." 19. Speaking of friends of long acquaintance, I had lunch with Khaki. She took me to a place where lots of things on the menu were discontinued. The two I remembered to jot down were "SHRIMP STICK....... DISCONTINUED" and "CRYSTAL SHRIMP......... DISCONTINUED." Curiously, the notices of discontinuation were not affixed to the menu at some late date; they were professionally printed right there on the surface, beneath the lamination. These menus had been ordered and printed afresh to accommodate (tauntingly?) an extensive list of items that the restaurant had presumably served in more generous times. I can think of how it could make sense to someone, especially if the plan was to eventually reintroduce some of the dishes... but it feels overly hopeful somehow, like a litany of crushed ambitions. 20. On the way to see Megan Abbott give the keynote address to an organization composed of aspiring crime writers, I passed the Sheraton Universal and thought, "Ah, that's where I scared Marvin Hamlisch in an elevator." 21. I partook ravenously of the free crime writers' breakfast, to which I was not entitled. 22. DON JUAN: "Since in a way that's rather of the oddest, he/ Became divested of his native modesty." THAT'S more of a Jon Host rhyme. 23. Dinner at Dan Tana's, one of those old-time Hollywood chophouses that hold such fascination for me - and Megan Abbott too. Neither of us had ever been. Ward McCarthy and I always talked about going to Dan Tana's back when we worked together in the 1990s, but we never made it. It was, as Megan's friend Alison noted, brighter inside than you would assume Dan Tana's to be, but otherwise it

met and surpassed our most idealized expectations, what with the red leather booth (in the back corner! just the one we would have picked), old-school wisecracking waiters (when asked about the contents of a particular salad, one of them said, "What can I tell you, it's a 22-dollar salad, it's terrible!" The chopped salad, on the other hand, of which the waiter approved, Alison deemed excellent), clams casino, steak and peppers "Sinatra" (superior to the similar and similarly named dish at The Smokehouse) and, we all agreed, the fluffiest gnocchi yet to be encountered. They don't have to make gnocchi that good at Dan Tana's - why, no sane person would expect it! But there it was. And we sat under a big poster of Karl Malden, who I believe had a veal chop named after him on the menu. 24. Tom Franklin, as I have hinted, happened to be out in Hollywood for reasons of his own, and by coincidence we were on the same plane home. Tom walked through the airport looking for soup. He busily checked every restaurant and kiosk. "Why soup?" I said. Tom said, "I love soup." I've known him, what? Thirty years? And I've never seen this side of him, this side that loves soup so much. I asked why I never heard about it before. "I keep it quiet," he said. We got to our departure gate and I watched Tom's bags while he ran off to continue his desperate search for his favorite thing, airport soup.

The Wrong Book

So McNeil ordered a book about Jerry Lewis - "foreword by Kathleen Freeman!" McNeil exclaimed parenthetically - and it came in the mail with the right cover printed on it, and the right summary and blurbs printed on the back, but ON THE INSIDE IT WAS A BIOGRAPHY OF WILLIE STARGELL. I am not talking about a dust jacket, people! I mean, between these two covers firmly and deliberately printed onto the surface of this paperback was the wrong book. McNeil asked if I could recall anything similar and all I could think of was the time I bought an Ornette Coleman record and Side One was Ornette Coleman but Side Two was a random flute concerto, I think. The world sure is some crazy mixed-up place. I want you to think about it! THINK ABOUT IT! Pictured, Kathleen Freeman, thinking about it. Ha ha yes that's right she looks confused by what I just told you I am indeed a master of this form.

Stephen Will Play His Records For You Now

My friend Stephen knows all about LPs, and he confirms that I might have had an Ornette Coleman LP with the wrong music mistakenly pressed on the B-side, as my fragile memory tells me. He scouted around on the "internet" and found some guy who keeps his record collection in a warehouse in Hong Kong (?!?) and out of 30,000 records, the guy has ONE with an incorrectly pressed B-side. I am guessing this is the most interesting thing you have ever read! Hey, do you want to hear my friend Stephen's records? Because he has a "web" site where he plays his records for you. Hey, I should put it in my sidebar.

Accidental Ornette Inscription

Hi! I am listening to the album FREE JAZZ by Ornette Coleman. You have many good reasons for not caring what I do with my time! But I was just thinking about when I first bought the FREE JAZZ LP as an inquisitive youth filled with childlike wonder and so on. This is what I remember, though I cannot find anything on the "internet" to back me up: that the B side had the wrong stuff on it! It was like a flute concerto or something, yes, I want to say a flute concerto appeared on the B side by mistake. Is that even possible? Could a record-making machine accidentally inscribe the wrong grooves on the B side of a record? These are the questions I ask myself as I hasten toward the grave. Anyway, I took it back to the store and got a 100% Ornette Coleman A- and B-side FREE JAZZ record but now all these years later I think I should have held onto that first slab of freaky vinyl so that "Future Jack" (me now) could sell it on ebay for six dollars or something. Of course, back then, all I cared about was the music. I was so stupid! In other visionary saxophonist news, I splurged on a gigantic crazy Anthony Braxton CD box from Mosaic Records - rare stuff! - and now I check the mailbox every day all excited and everything, you should see my little apple cheeks aglow with anticipation. Yes, to answer your question, I find myself just as boring as you do.

Now I Weep

Keep reading great things about my hero Sonny Rollins and his amazing 80th birthday concert. Only reason I haven't "posted" about it is that I'm so sad I didn't see and hear it! Almost too sad to "blog" is how sad. Mr. Rollins played with Ornette Coleman (also 80!) for the first time anyone can remember! Now I go away to weep. I found this nice article ("click" here) thanks to the twitter account of Sonny Rollins (!). One thing I love about it is that if you scroll down, the guy talks about a Peter Ustinov album (!) called "The Brilliant Humorist Takes a Devastating Look at Sports Car Racing." WHAT? But mostly, Sonny Rollins! (Below, Peter Ustinov for some reason.)

"Who Knew?" with Phil Oppenheim

The last couple of e-mails I have received from Phil Oppenheim have been entitled "Who Knew?" So I think it is time for a new regular feature called "'Who Knew?' with Phil Oppenheim." This time Phil writes in about the influence of an early twentieth-century cantor on Ornette Coleman. In the article Phil sent along, Ornette is quoted as saying, "I started crying like a baby. The [cantor]... was crying, singing, and praying, all in the same breath. And none of it was crossing each other. I said, 'Wait a minute. You can’t find those "notes." They don’t exist.'" (Unlike the picture of McNeil in "McNeil's Thoughts I've Been A-Thinkin'," this really is Phil.)

Snapping Your Fingers, Tapping Your Toes: Overrated?

I love Stephen Colbert! And I love Ornette Coleman! So it hurts my feelings when Mr. Colbert makes fun of Ornette Coleman as he does on his show from time to time with no apparent irony - that is, Mr. Colbert's "persona" and his "real self" seem to merge into one when it comes to hating on Ornette Coleman. What Mr. Colbert does sometimes on his show is play some raucous "free jazz" by Mr. Coleman and pretend to snap his fingers happily in time... the seeming point being that you can't snap your fingers and be blithe while listening to Ornette Coleman, that his music can be harsh and complicated, and that this is somehow a bad thing. Mr. Colbert seems to think - once again, without his usual irony - that Mr. Coleman would be better employed in the production of catchy little jingles for all to enjoy. In this and only this, Mr. Colbert reminds me of the pink, cherubic "public intellectual" I saw on C-Span that time, bitterly moaning and whining because he couldn't "tap his toes" to John Coltrane. One doubts that Mr. Colbert or the C-Span intellectual would go to a recital of preludes and fugues by Bach and/or Shostakovich and come out griping about not being able to snap his fingers and tap his toes, and all I'm saying is this: sometimes it's OKAY not to snap your fingers and tap your toes.

Phil Chimes In

Phil chimes in, confirming McNeil's astute surmise that he (Phil) knows all about Ornette Coleman. As evidence, Phil provides a "link" to a "blog" where there is an account of an Ornette Coleman concert attended and enjoyed by Phil in the city of New Orleans, Louisiana, in the year 2003 A.D. I am starting to think McNeil is right. Are we getting a little Ornette heavy here at the "blog"? I leave you with this, and then Ornette (and YouTube, for that matter - our favorite crutch?) can rest for a spell:

Quips 'n' Clips II

Well, I suppose McNeil and I will never see eye to eye on Ornette Coleman, but I'm here to bring the healing with a clip everyone in the world can get behind: a cat playing a theremin. (Thanks, "fave" Aquaman "blog"!)

Quips 'n' Clips

"Great choice on the movie clip from Road to Hong Kong," writes McNeil, "but I have to disagree with your opinion of Road to Singapore. I think the duo is fresh and, in a sense, 'raw' (though that may not be the right word for it) and you really get a sense of their freewheeling spirit because of it. I think in the later movies, you might get a sense of that spirit despite the constraints of a formula they (producers, directors, etc) feel the need to stick to. It's true [Bob and Bing] improvise [in the later films], but they improvise in Singapore, too, and it seems more organic. Of course, maybe you think it's funnier when it's obviously not organic, as in the later pictures." McNeil adds, via phone message, "Quit 'blogging' about Ornette Coleman and Charles Ives. Nobody knows what you're talking about, except maybe Phil." Got it, McNeil. No more Ornette Coleman. The kids would rather dig on Bing Crosby. This one's for you, kids! Get ready to relate... McNeil style! But hold onto your hats, because it gets pretty wild.

Joshes McNeil

"What does Ornette Coleman have to do with Burl Ives?" joshes McNeil. McNeil's josh makes me wish those two had collaborated on an album. But Burl is no longer with us. However, with our modern digital technology we enjoy today, perhaps this dream may become a reality. I almost deleted this "post" but then I didn't, because nothing matters.

McNeil's Movie Korner: Norman Panama Night

Welcome to an all-new edition of that perennial favorite, McNeil's Movie Korner. Last night, McNeil committed two films to his DVR, straight from TCM: THE MALTESE BIPPY (co-starring "blog" fave Carol Lynley) and THE ROAD TO HONG KONG. "Maybe it was Norman Panama night," McNeil speculates. "He directed both of them." Aside from having an awesome name, Norman Panama belongs in the "blog's" directorial pantheon, which includes George Marshall, Jack Arnold, and Fielder Cook, all of whom we admire for their strange, unremarkable proficiency. Now, the "blog" cannot endorse THE ROAD TO HONG KONG. We recommend the older ROAD movies (not the first one, THE ROAD TO SINGAPORE, not at first, because the formula hasn't quite jelled yet. But you can go back and watch that after you've seen a few others. You're welcome! Okay, I'll shut up about Bob Hope now.) In defense of HONG KONG, McNeil has nice things to say about Joan Collins. We must admit that in the "clip" above, featuring Ms. Collins, one may detect the famous Hope influence on Woody Allen's composition and delivery of a certain kind of one-liner (see a parallel scene in Allen's LOVE & DEATH). So I didn't shut up about Bob Hope after all! All right. This is what a "blog" is. I'm sorry! To that end, and because I'm too tired after typing all this to start a new "post," I'll mention that I'm re-listening to Ornette Coleman's SKIES OF AMERICA, struck again by its definite Ivesian spirit. Goodbye. I'm going to go away and rethink what I'm doing with my life.

Ornette Coleman

Speaking of Pulitzer Prizes, I suppose that our one-time nemesis (before we calmed down) the famous intellectual is feeling pretty "put out" today, thinking of Ornette Coleman and his Pulitzer Prize. I mean, if the famous intellectual TRULY considers the elegant and magisterial Sonny Rollins to be "unlistenable," as he claimed on C-Span 2, we can only imagine the shudders that pass through his poor old body when Ornette Coleman starts laying down some crazy free jazz. Well, we have a real soft spot for Mr. Coleman ourselves. Just the day before yesterday, in fact, by sheer coincidence, we were listening to his COMPLETE SCIENCE FICTION SESSIONS. So we're happy. But we do not wish to gloat at the expense of the famous intellectual, who is no doubt lying on a cot now with something cool pressed to his forehead.

"Blog"trospective 2: Phil Oppenheim

Oppenheim, Phil - actual words of---all good things stem from---allows tired women to stand---always first---always succinct---announces the death of Soupy Sales---appears several times in the Arnold Stang "blog"trospective---apologizes for maligning Jack Carson---appearance in ill-fated "blog"dex---as cautionary tale for Sarah Marine---as he appeared 12 years ago---as one proof of McNeil's existence---as source of information on INVASION USA---asks a question---attends an Ornette Coleman concert---attends Tyler Perry screening party---awe of upgraded to worship---awesomeness of---Benny, Jack; Phil speculates on the death of---Brownstein, Carrie; neighbor of---bull drinking soda in hometown of---calls McNeil's existence into question---cares about Jack Carter---Carson, Jack; sends driver safety video starring---casts shame on Gilmore Girls---changes mind---changes mind again---"Chiseler" revealed by---churlishness of---city chicken and---clarifies seemingly hurtful statements---concerned about spalling---craziness over oatmeal billboard serves as comparison---crustiness undiminished---debunks three-handed beatnik---"deconstruction" makes him mad---definitely likes where Jonathan Lethem is going with "Omega the Unknown---discovers Plastic Man in Burbank---disillusionment of---disparages Jack Carson---disqualified from Oscar Wilde contest---does job too well---"Eat That Chicken" and---eats a shocking amount of oatmeal---eefing and---emailing Phil about how good Dean and Jerry would have been in STEP BROTHERS---enjoys pie---ennui of---eyeballs of scorched---fancy tastes of---favorite movie revealed---fears the ruination of oatmeal---finds Stephen Leacock "pretty ******* hilarious"---forwards "link" to Superman article---friend of appears in New York Times---further reflections on boyhood eating habits of---gets drunk---greatest triumph of---grousing of---Handelman, Stanley Myron and---HARD-BOILED t-shirt of repurposed as part of quilt---has a Corner Gas t-shirt---has possibly heard of Professor Irwin Corey---has real job---HIPSTER HEGEMONY and---home office of---hopes I'm sitting down---hot Jerry tip of---in tune with the feelings of graduate students---inspires people to check out library books---irrationally continues to insist that McNeil does not exist---issues communique---jerky of---jerky of; source of---keeps tabs on the James Beard Awards---Klinker, Effie; spry libido of and---knowledge of penny-farthings comes in handy - again!---knows what I'm talking about (maybe)---knows what to call those bicycles with a big wheel in front and a little wheel in back---laments the absence of the Quangaroo---likes Mindy Kaling---likes something---loans me his battered paperback of DINO: LIVING HIGH IN THE DIRTY BUSINESS OF DREAMS---LOVE BOAT, THE, and---magazine subscription of---McNeil in awe of---monkey video of depresses me---monster shrimp and---mother dated Marty Ingels and Arnold Stang---mother makes him kasha---names "best page on the internet"---New Orleans video provided by---Nick Fury and---not a mythical creature---not an egghead elitist---not to be outdone---notes that Rory from GILMORE GIRLS loved Dawn Powell---oatmeal cart and---"old-timey books" and---Oscar wrap-up with---Pac-Man entwined with life story in a surprising way---pensiveness of---Phil Oppenheim Fan Club---pigeon "link" and---potential birthday oatmeal of---practices usurpation---prefers sazerac to Pimm's Cup---presents James Whorton, Jr.'s Velvet Suit Theatre---president of the Stang Spotters Club (Eastern chapter)---probably has a "blog"---probably knows what to call that hat with goggles on it---proves that the Fall's opening act sounds like a Fall cover band---puts aside ambivalence---QT dead to---questions cultural imperialism---quotes Clash lyrics---reading chair of---reads books---recommends awesome African music---reiterates---relative worthiness of pie recommendations considered---reminds everyone about Joey Heatherton's birthday---responsible for success of "blog"---ridiculed by underlings---robbed of joy---Robert Walser gives him a headache---role as "Blog" Buddy---role as flunky---Sage of Atlanta, The (nickname)---says a film festival is showing SHIP OF MONSTERS---sees stars---sends a nice article---sends additional pie information---sends along Jerry Lewis's Bavarian cream recipe---sends comic book cover featuring Bizarro Supermen dressed up as JFK, Marilyn, and Jerry Lewis for Halloween---SHAKE HANDS WITH DANGER and---Shelley Berman amongst the greatest things he has ever seen---SHIP OF MONSTERS and---shirt of is older than half the people in this room---Smokey Stover and---soft spot for Gilmore Girls---something else makes me think of that oatmeal billboard he hates so much---Sommer, Elke, makes day of---spends Mardi Gras in Atlanta---still likes pie---sums up own legacy---tells me about Jerry Lewis wanting to smack Lindsay Lohan in the mouth---tells me Jerry Lewis died---tells of a cantor's influence on Ornette Coleman---tempers his highbrow Strindberg reference---tendency to gasp with delight---threats of---TWISTER'S REVENGE and---underlying sweetness of---use of the word "twee"---wants everyone to know that Larry King is on Twitter---Weegee and---Whorton, James, Jr. and share musical tastes---wife of posits Lenny and the Squigtones as ideological forerunners of Spinal Tap---Williams, Hank Jr. and---work ethic of---would appreciate GERSHWIN: HIS LIFE AND WORK by Howard Pollack---would know which is Olsen and which is Johnson. Also enjoy our PREVIOUS "BLOG"TROSPECTIVE on TOM FRANKLIN.