Al's Favorite

I don't know why I ever made Al Pacino one of my handy "blog" "labels": I haven't "blogged" about him since 2011. But! I suppose it was all leading to this. So! You remember when Jerry Lewis died. It wasn't too long ago. And I cobbled together a hasty "post" containing 101 ways to appreciate Jerry. Today I saw an interview with Al Pacino in which he describes a scene from THE BELLBOY as "one of his favorites of all time" and draws an implicit comparison between his style of acting and Jerry's. It's just the kind of thing I would have put on my list, and so, though I don't "blog" anymore, I'm adding it here as an appendix. Oh! And you know what? I feel I've been vindicated for the time in 2010 I claimed to have caught Pacino imitating Jerry in a movie. "Click" here to find out which movie! I know you won't. That's why I don't "blog" anymore.

Mysterious, Shadowy Pacino

Who is this mysterious, shadowy figure? I will tell you. It is Al Pacino, as photographed by my brother from a long, long distance. Upon closer inspection, "he was wearing a cut-up red t-shirt around his head like a sweatband," my brother reports.

The 80s

Am I really sitting here watching the Burt Reynolds vehicle PATERNITY on one of these here movie channels? Apparently I am! I wonder why. It keeps making me think of AUTHOR! AUTHOR!, though AUTHOR! AUTHOR! is, I suppose, a "goodnatured romp for the whole family" while PATERNITY is somewhat "smutty." How are they alike? Well, they are both terrible comedies from the early 80s set in New York City. Oh! Another thing is that Beverly D'Angelo plays a trumpet teacher, and in one scene she has this kid practicing his trumpet while she sits there smoking a cigarette right next to him. That's how we did it in the 80s! And as Laura Lippman pointed out in her famous "blog" analysis of AUTHOR! AUTHOR!, Pacino did his share of smoking around kids in that one. This is almost all I have to say about PATERNITY. Well, there is a horrible comedy scene where the funny part is that a butcher coughs all over the meat. I am sorry I even told you that! But why should I be the only one to suffer? Two more things and I bid you farewell forever: 1) It turns out that Burt Reynolds is better than Al Pacino at certain things, such as being the star of a terrible light comedy from the early 80s. He has an appealing nonchalance that is appropriate to the task. 2) Some guy named Mike Kellin (pictured) plays a hilarious boat captain. He has a couple of lines and that's it. But man, he brings his A game, like Joanna Moore in NEVER A DULL MOMENT. I admire that work ethic. Here's to the Mike Kellins of the world! (Also starring Elizabeth Ashley of WHEN MICHAEL CALLS.)

Follow the Robot

Thanks to twitter I know that Larry King's kids will be hanging out with Al Pacino's kids next week. I bet they will have a great time, and how else would I know that without the power of twitter? So obviously I am not arguing against the importance of twitter. But now twitter has this new feature that tells you "who to follow." And it keeps telling me to "follow" the robot from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. Coincidence? I think not! I am so tired of the robots and UFOs trying to tell me what to do.

Pacino Fixes His Hair: A Remembrance

I won't lie to you, my reading of CHRISTIANITY: THE FIRST THREE THOUSAND YEARS by Diarmaid MacCulloch is slowing down a little bit because I spend all my time now thinking about the 1982 Al Pacino vehicle AUTHOR! AUTHOR! Just look at this supplemental material from "Blog" Buddy Mr. Ward, who reports, "I was going to NYU while they were shooting 'Author! Author!' in the area. One day I watched for 2 hours as they filmed Al walking up to a building and fixing his hair in the window's reflection. I stayed for 12 takes then got bored. Al seemed really agitated or maybe he was just 'in character.'" Thanks, Mr. Ward! In conclusion, sorry for the piece of velcro or whatever it is partially obscuring Dyan Cannon. Turns out there are not a lot of images from AUTHOR! AUTHOR! to choose from on the "internet."

Grunella

Laura Lippman has been watching the blankety-blank out of AUTHOR! AUTHOR! Now she has nine things to say about it. Here is the "blog's" exclusive report. There are SPOILERS galore, so if you want to spend part of your life watching AUTHOR! AUTHOR!, you may want to avert your eyes. You also may want to avert your eyes while watching AUTHOR! AUTHOR! Or maybe you will love it! It is none of my business. And now we turn things over to Laura Lippman and her nine observations: "1) Elaine's! I had forgotten about Elaine's, where I actually was taken to dinner at age 20 and saw Philip Roth. 2) I guess a man could grab a woman and try to throw her in a cab in the '70s and the movie could still be a comedy. 3) How does a man come to have legal custody of his ex-wife's four children by three other men? It strikes me as unlikely. 4) Wait, the kid's name is Igor? 5) Cursing kids -- oh, how I've missed you in all your Bad News Bears inspired glory. 6) I just realized this must be an 80s film. But it feels like a 70s film. The bad kind of 70s film. Pacino is smoking a cigarette and blowing the smoke into face of oldest son (Igor? Could I possibly be right about that?) 7) The Greenwich Village townhouse that the Pacino character calls home must be worth at least $12 million in today's market. 8) Freeze frame as everyone literally jumps for joy. Now that's how you end a movie. 9) After checking imdb, I can report that the oldest son was named Igor, that Bob and Ray's appearances are apparently unbilled, but Andre Gregory's is not. There is also a character named Grunella." This completes the "blog's" multi-part investigatory examination of AUTHOR! AUTHOR! If you are not familiar with the great Bob and Ray, please do not let their appearance in AUTHOR! AUTHOR! dissuade you from enjoying their genius. Goodbye forever.

Poor Writers

Jerry Lewis homage confirmed: I have now watched a sufficient amount of AUTHOR! AUTHOR! to tell you that Al Pacino says "I'm very ANXious, WaHOYoh!" Moving on from the Jerry imitation, we do indeed - as reported earlier - cut to a roaring fire, where Al Pacino says, "I guess everybody figures, New York playwright..." and then he analyzes himself. So he doesn't say, "The thing about being a writer is..." no, we were wrong about that, but it's almost as piteous. And then he says, "I'm never at ease, Alice." A few lines later, he says it again: "I'm never at ease." Poor writers!

Sour Velvet Galifianakis

As promised, I have captured AUTHOR! AUTHOR! on the dvr so I can confirm Al Pacino's Jerry Lewis impersonation for you. It may take some time. I made it five minutes in or less. Then I had one of those "What am I doing with my life?" moments. But on the plus side, Al Pacino is already wearing a red velvet jacket and a tasseled scarf. So why so sour, Pendarvis? I don't want to be one of those sour "bloggers." There are millions of them! There is nothing duller. I want to be your cheerful and breezy companion. Yet there is this one commercial I want to complain about, too. Childish crayon drawings have come to life in the form of paper creatures as large as buildings, stalking around the city. And there is this guy sitting on top of a building gazing at the wonderful phone he has purchased. And a smile creeps across his face. He is like a much healthier and immaculately groomed Zach Galifianakis crossed with a character from a Hal Hartley movie. And the announcer is like (I may be misquoting, but only a little), "Remember when you were five years old and everything was possible? Welcome to your new fifth birthday." And I am thinking, you know, why stop there, man-child? Why not buy a phone that turns you into a fetus?

The Thing About Being a Writer

Found myself sleepless again at roughly the same time as before... isn't that fascinating? You're the one reading a "blog"! Decided to try my old method of getting myself into at least a hypnagogic state: flipping rapidly between two or three movies on these movie channels they have nowadays until they blend into one incomprehensible yet strangely unified dream. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. On last night's menu: THE HANGOVER, AUTHOR! AUTHOR! (not one but two exclamation points original to the title - laudable!), and SWITCH. The latter was NOT the TV series starring Charlie Callas I recall from my shamefully squandered youth, but a film in which Ellen Barkin's body is possessed by the spirit of a crass rogue. But never mind about that! Here's the important part: I CAN ALMOST SWEAR I SAW AL PACINO IMITATE JERRY LEWIS. I won't be able to quote this with any accuracy because it was caught in a moment of quick flipping, like so many important things in life. Pacino (the star of AUTHOR! AUTHOR!) said something like "I'm very anxious" or "I have a lot of anxiety" in a familiar unmistakable lilt, and then he darted into the street slapstick-style, making a noise very much like one this goat might make. He was rewarded by peals and peals of famous laughter from his co-star Dyan Cannon, who was famous at the time for her peals and peals of laughter (I have uncovered an example - also featuring Johnny Carson - and include it for your study below). Pacino's Jerry Lewis imitation cut immediately to a scene of what we shall delicately call post-intimacy before a roaring fire, Pacino and Cannon wrapped tactfully in sheets. This implies that acting like Jerry Lewis makes the ladies love you! And right away! That part was fine. But Pacino's first words post-intimacy? "The thing about being a writer is..." Ugh! That made me flip the channel. Once again, it may not be an exact quotation, because of all the flipping. But still, ugh.

This Homemade Number

As you know, I am a lot like Al Pacino in GODFATHER III. Just when I think I've stopped having pictures of unicorns on my "blog" THEY KEEP PULLING ME BACK IN! This slightly sinister homemade number appears courtesy of the girl who eats dry oatmeal. And with that, I am fairly certain that everyone who has "internet" access has sent me every picture of every unicorn on the "internet."