Abalone Biscuit Stick

1. McNeil dreamed - shortly before I left for Burbank on a bureaucratic mission that would stun and bore you - that I was transformed into a toddler and Donald Trump hand-fed me a biscuit. I did not report the dream at the time because I was about to leave on my trip and it struck me as a dream of ill-omen, best blocked out of my mind until my safe return. 2. I know you want to know what book I read on the airplane. Well, you're going to be so glad you asked. See, I had this one Virginia Woolf novel all picked out. It was the right size for the airplane. The content, delightful though I am sure it would have turned out to be, was of secondary interest. You see, I like to print out my boarding passes and slip them between the back cover and last page of whatever book I am reading on the airplane, and I don't like it if the edges of the boarding passes stick out too much. My boarding passes are printed on letter-sized sheets of paper, which I fold over once, maintaining the creaseless integrity of the printed matter. I told you you'd be glad you asked! Let's move to a new numbered section as I explain why I print out my boarding passes rather than checking in via an app on my phone. 3. My phone is too old! It rejects the app! 4. Anyway, I'm going to quote an email from Jimmy Cajoleas now. I don't think Jimmy will mind. "[Have you] read Water Margin? I'm halfway through the Sidney Shapiro translation (he calls it Outlaws of the Marsh) and I think it's one of the greatest things I've ever read in my life." 5. That made me remember I have a copy of that very translation! When I go to bed at night, I often lie on my side facing a bookcase where, as I recline in that position, Outlaws of the Marsh finds itself in my eyeline. I bought it in 2007, I think, and never opened it. And just about every night I look at it from bed and think, "Will I ever read that? I certainly doubt it! It's in a cardboard box containing four volumes!" I bought it at Square Books because when we first moved to Oxford, we had some people over for dinner, and one of them was teaching it in a class, and I got so excited hearing about Outlaws of the Marsh that I ran out and bought it and didn't open it for almost 20 years. So, the night before my flight, I separated Volume 1 from its cardboard-bound brethren. Though it is part of a larger set, the first book is the size of an old-timey mass-market paperback, hardly sufficient for securing my boarding pass in the required fashion. This was a new experience for me. Just when I thought I had done it all in this old world. Walking around with most of my boarding pass sticking out! Like some kind of hippie! 6. My seatmate on the airplane saw my iPod. Unlike the last person who saw my iPod on an airplane, she was not impressed. She said, "My husband has one of those and it drives me crazy." She didn't say why. 7. On a more positive note, she announced that she was from the same town as the woman who wrote the book THE EGG AND I, and she knew the descendants of the book's characters. She couldn't remember the name of the female lead in the movie version and I blew her freaking mind by saying "Claudette Colbert." Anyway, she was saying that Ma and Pa Kettle (supporting characters in the movie) were real people and I speculated that later movies about Ma and Pa Kettle (are you still reading this?), such as MA AND PA KETTLE GO TO HAWAII, were probably not based on true stories, as they were about fanciful things like winning a trip to Hawaii in an advertising slogan contest. Anyway, I don't have time to explain Ma and Pa Kettle to you. I "posted" a publicity still of them above, and I'll let that do the work. The important thing is that despite my know-it-all attitude about Claudette Colbert there is no movie called MA AND PA KETTLE GO TO HAWAII, as I learned when I looked it up minutes ago. It's called MA AND PA KETTLE AT WAIKIKI. And they're just working on a pineapple farm in that one! They didn't win a contest, as I needlessly misinformed my seatmate. Further research (WHY?) led me to discover that Pa Kettle does compose a prize-winning jingle in MA AND PA KETTLE GO TO TOWN. And that is the story of how all the Ma and Pa Kettle movies I watched as a kid eventually got mixed up in my head. Most of all, I was shocked to learn that Ma and Pa Kettle were from this woman's hometown in the state of Washington! I don't know where I assumed they were from, but it wasn't there. Sadly, we must now move on from Ma and Pa Kettle. I know you're disappointed. 8. My Uber driver's wife makes a living singing the national anthem at sporting events! You'd think he would have an interesting story about how someone gets into that line of work, but he didn't. 9. I broke my glasses. 10. I saw Kate, who brought with her a treat from Hong Kong: abalone-and-oyster-sauce flavored "biscuit sticks" (the latter two words in English on the box). They were thin, crispy little sticks and I could eat them all day. Savory, with, as Kate remarked, a little of the sweetness of the abalone coming through. 11. She also brought something from a side-trip to Japan: a sake-flavored Kit Kat bar. We tried that, too, and it made us want to throw up. 12. I ran into Cole Sanchez, who remarked, of my shirt, "Do we have the same shirt?" (He was not wearing the shirt - let me be clear: he was wearing a shirt, just not that one - but yes, it did turn out he had the same shirt at home.) Now, you must know, in order to truly appreciate this story, that we consulted Cole while writing the sartorially concerned Adventure Time episode "Bespoken For," because he is a stylish man who knows everything about clothes. So hearing that Cole and I have the same shirt made it a big night for me. I was telling everyone who would listen, "Cole and I have the same shirt!" Cole went home and rethought his life. 13. At the departure gate for my trip home, I sat next to a Pepsi vending machine. A man came and stood in front of it and coughed down into my face a couple of times. He stood in front of the Pepsi machine for five minutes, examining the various Pepsi products on display. Then he walked away, never to be seen again. 14. Dolph Lundgren is on my flight! Yeah! He's speaking Swedish! In the middle of a Swedish phrase, I hear him say "tough guys" in English. I thought, "If anything bad happens on this flight, he'll save us!" Dolph Lundgren's drink of choice? Cranberry juice. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that he was doing some kind of seated shadow boxing. His feet were subtly and elegantly "dancing," as I believe it's called in the boxing ring, as he cast some punches toward the seat back in front of him. He put on his shades before shadow boxing. "I'm living in paradise!" I jotted in my jotting book. The very sweet flight attendant, Diana by name, turned out to be a Dolph Lundgren fanatic, and addressed him with such giddy enthusiasm as the plane began its descent, to which he responded in such a cheerful and gracious manner, that I felt emboldened to turn around and tell him that he had given me confidence and peace in case of emergency.

Highly Anticipated Year-End List

The 10 most thrilling excitements from 2021. 10. Square Books introduces a new bookmark. 9. Confirmation that Spanish moss is related to the pineapple. 8. A list of 24 dog names discovered in Ovid. 7. I read about a man whose hat popped off his head in fright. 6. Dr. Theresa and I have a good laugh about 18th-century preacher Jonathan Edwards (pictured). 5. Dr. Theresa and I share an appreciation of Vera Farmiga. 4. A Proustian chicken wing. 3. Wild turkeys by the side of the road. 2. I have chicken-and-oyster gumbo from a restaurant where I've been eating for over 50 years. 1. Kate Tsang constructs a double cheeseburger out of two single cheeseburgers. Thanks to everyone who worked together to make these amazing achievements a reality. See you next year!

Famous Fiery Skull Head

I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk about three movies, yes, three big hot up-to-the-minute entertainments that the whole world is talking about right now! 1. GHOST RIDER. Dr. Theresa and I watched GHOST RIDER. I could not help but note that the title character's famous fiery skull head set off a sprinkler system. Now, as you know, my cigarette lighter book contained a whole section about sprinkler systems being set off, and I certainly would have included this moment had I viewed it in a timely manner, if only for the novelty. 2. BOYS' NIGHT OUT. Hey! Remember when McNeil observed that every 60s movie had an obelisk in it? I was only too happy to confirm that Tony Randall stood next to an obelisk in BOYS' NIGHT OUT (see above). Furthermore, it was the SAME OBELISK that McNeil previously observed in DON'T MAKE WAVES and Dr. Theresa and I saw in AGENTS OF SHIELD, the latter of which is a TV show from present times (?), and not a 1960s movie, so I'm sorry I brought it up. 3. DEAD RECKONING. Recently, Dr. Theresa and I watched DEAD RECKONING, which takes place mainly on the Gulf Coast, the region whence I was spawned. During one scene, an attempt was made by the art department at Columbia Pictures to drape some Spanish moss artistically here and there in some tree branches, an attempt I appreciated, as it caused me to realize and exclaim, "I haven't seen Spanish moss in a long time!" And then I remembered how everyone down there loved to grab a person at every opportunity and shout in their face, "Did you know Spanish moss is related to the pineapple?" You cannot walk down a street on the Gulf Coast without someone telling you the little-known fact that Spanish moss is related to the pineapple. Why, I used to do it myself when I lived there! And I guess I am doing it now. You're not going to believe this, but Spanish moss is related to the pineapple. As I sat there during the exciting climax of DEAD RECKONING, thinking about such matters, I began to doubt myself. Spanish moss doesn't really seem to be related to the pineapple. Maybe I misheard! Maybe I misheard one hundred thousand times. So I googled for two seconds and found an article with the headline "Spanish Moss Is Related to Pineapples." That headline wasn't messing around!

An Angry Jack Skirball

As I read this Bob Hope biography by Richard Zoglin I keep considering which of my friends would like different parts of it. Like, I know McNeil would love it when success goes to Bob's head and he has long meetings with his writers and never provides snacks. He'll send out a writer with some spare change to pick up a pineapple sundae and eat the whole sundae in front of them and the writers get nothing. Ha ha! And then when it's time to pay them he stands at the top of the stairs and folds their checks into paper airplanes and sails them down, and the writers scramble pathetically after their money. In fact, I just emailed McNeil about all this but why should he be the only one to enjoy it? And I know Megan Abbott would like Bob's swank penthouse in early-30s Manhattan and the time Bob was in a Broadway show with Fanny Brice and Eve Arden and the choreographer was Ballanchine and the sets were designed by Vincent Minnelli, yes! Those were the days. And I know that both McNeil and Megan Abbott would like that Bob first danced with Dolores at a place called the Ha Ha Club and then they split a sandwich. But as for me, I just like the random phrase "an angry Jack Skirball, head of Educational Pictures." There's really nothing else about him in the book, but can't you just picture him, "an angry Jack Skirball, head of Educational Pictures"? Skirball! And I suppose I should mention by way of a disappointing correction that most people seem to think it was undiagnosed tuberculosis that killed Bob's first vaudeville partner. But Bob always insisted it was the bad diner food and became very paranoid for the rest of his career and even in his early struggling days would seek out a nice tearoom on the road.

Balzac

NPR hops on the ADVENTURE TIME bandwagon today in a nice little piece you can hear by "clicking" here. They compare ADVENTURE TIME to Balzac, which is something high-toned media outlets do when they want to feel comfortable about liking something... I noticed this tendency so long ago that it appears in a short story ("The Golden Pineapples") in my first book. Not to say they're wrong! They interviewed the novelist Lev Grossman as their (very insightful) literary spokesman for the piece, which is a funny coincidence, because many years ago he (sort of) put Rudy & GoGo (the kids' show I worked on in the 90s) into one of his novels. What is my strange psychic connection with Lev Grossman?

Pineapple Owl Cookie

Here is a New York Times article that has an owl in it and also contains this enjoyable sentence: "By that point the pineapple had 'lost all human traits,' said Geoffrey Cowling, 13, so eating it did not seem so bad." Less enjoyable is Frank Langella's description of himself and some romantically inclined friends - quoted in tomorrow's New York Times Book Review - as a "pulsating Oreo cookie."

Human Interest

In today's New York Times we meet a fellow who believes in "genies, aliens, sea serpents and strange swamp creatures." A reporter hops into the car with this gentleman and off they go into "the woods off Whangtown Road... Mr. Imbrogno recalled the excitement and confusion that erupted in 1983 when people began spotting UFOs in this area. On just one night, hundreds said they saw them." I think it was yesterday, maybe the day before, when the NYT ran a story about a man who claims to be a saint. The reporter described him sitting in his shabby little apartment tapping the ash from his cigarette into an empty pineapple can, I think. What is the tone of these stories? I can't quite grasp it. Is it, "Ha ha ha! People are weird. But we're the New York Times, so we're going to be understated about the way we poke fun at them"? I recall the man from the Sunday Styles section who wrapped himself in carpet and asked people to stand on him.

Oatmeal Tips

Here it is, the edition of "Oatmeal Tips" you've been waiting for. Novelist Mark Childress claims that he is going to lay down for you to dig (though not in those words; those unfortunate words are mine) the recipe for the best oatmeal ever in the universe, so take it away, Mark! And we quote: "You gotta have McCann's in the metal can. You gotta precook it by boiling 4 c of water and stirring in 1 c of oatmeal, turn it off and let it sit overnight. Then you put in a bowl some frozen pineapple, peaches, blueberries, and/or cherries. A sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg. Cover with the oatmeal from yesterday. Zap it in the 'wave 9 minutes. Add butter, sugar, honey, etc., to taste. World's best, nolo contendere." We believe that Mr. Childress is the first "oatmeal tipper" to throw some Latin into the mix. In a followup communique he requests that we "emphasize McCann's and not some granola lovin' Whole Foods knockoff. It's the award winning steel cut that is critical." Do YOU have what it takes to be an "oatmeal tipper" like Mark Childress? Then send your oatmeal tips to "Oatmeal Tips" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655.

Son of Travel Tips

After a lengthy hiatus, the "travel tips" feature of our "blog" is back in business. Agent "M." reports via postcard from Maui that she has discovered the Hawaiian equivalent of Uncle Mort's! That's right, a little touch of Jasper, Alabama, in the heart of the islands. What more could anyone want? "M." recommends breakfasting upon pancakes with Bananas Foster, bacon on the side, fresh pineapple, and a pot of hot Kona coffee. The place is called the Kula Lodge, and it sits near the entrance to Haleaka National Park, at the foot of the 10,000 ft. volcano of the same name. "M.'s" traveling companion, a noted farmer, wept throughout the entire meal. But he was not sad! Nor was he weeping with happiness at the panoramic view of the island. No, the culprit was a microscopic piece of volcanic sand which had flown into his eye whilst he peered innocently into the magnificent crater of Haleaka! A doctor had to use a microscope to find and remove the literally microscopic particle! That's today's travel tip: When you're traveling this great nation of ours, watch out for microscopic sand coming out of a volcano! You'll be glad you did.