I Gave Up

I thought I should tell you I stopped reading that giant hardcover "omnibus" of comics I mentioned yesterday. Why? Why did I give it up, I mean, not why did I think I should tell you. I don't have an answer for that one. Maybe because I'm unemployed and don't have anything else to do? As to the former question, however, it's not because I had shamed myself by mentioning it. It's because this "omnibus" is no damn good! The comics are too goofy. Yes, yes, I know I have often boasted perversely of loving the uncool, goofy comic book characters (not to be confused with the Disney character Goofy) the best... your Captain Marvel (the version often called "Shazam" by dimwits, for reasons I could get into here if I felt like it), your Metal Men, your Plastic Man, and so forth. But this glossy pile of junk I was reading was goofy in the wrong way. The goofiness it poured forth seemed born of bitterness and irony. The bitterness and irony of persons who have placed themselves high above goofiness. That's 1989 for you! There's a reason I originally stopped reading comic books when the price went up to 30 cents. Well, the reason was it became too expensive. Thirty cents is a lot of money! But the point is that the goofiness I like, the goofiness of your Plastic Man, your Metal Men, your Captain Marvel, is sincere and joyful... an embracing mechanism, not a distancing one. Anyway, I'd put this volume in the big overflowing garbage box of books they have for urchins to pick through in the park, but it's too damn big.

I Think About Plastic Man a Lot

I am going to write some boring stuff about old comic books. Is that okay with you? It's better than rambling about CYMBELINE in "post" after "post," isn't it? You be the judge! I sincerely believed that my midlife crisis had culminated in June of 2013, when I stopped caring about old comic books after a brief revival of that interest. So a couple of weeks ago I went to Memphis with Ace Atkins and Bill Boyle. We stopped by the comic book store so Ace could pick up some Scrooge McDuck for his kids (classic Carl Barks reprints, I'm only too happy to add). I was idly browsing the new releases when I saw new issues of Captain Marvel (the real one, who says, "Shazam!") and Plastic Man, two of my old favorites. "Well!" I thought. "I wonder what these guys are up to!" So I bought one of each. Captain Marvel seems to be plugging along in the old spirit of Captain Marvel. But I am sad to say that in Plastic Man, the Nazis have taken over the United States! Plastic Man is meeting in seedy motel rooms to buy guns, like Travis Bickle! Who did this to you, Plas? Soon enough I was crawling around in the attic, opening up sealed boxes of my dumb old comic books, looking for what? Lost innocence, probably!

Seven Deadly Recommendations

The state of the recommendation shelf is... strong. Katelyn (not to be confused with Kaitlyn) took this pic for me just moments ago. You will note that David Simon (speaking at the Courthouse at 1:15 PM on Friday) and Seo Kim (speaking at the Overby Center at 10:30 AM on Thursday) are currently represented. Go to Square Books and get their books and MAKE DAVID AND SEO SIGN THEM WITH HEARTFELT PERSONAL MESSAGES. Did I ever tell you that David Simon's HOMICIDE: A YEAR ON THE KILLING STREETS has my favorite last sentence, but I think you have to read the whole 600 pages first for it to work, so I'm not even going to tell you and please don't peek or you'll ruin it for yourself? I mistakenly showed it to Kate (not to be confused with Katelyn) at the counter today without setting it up properly... by making her stand there and read the entire book first, I mean. (Then there's an epilogue and stuff, but I don't count that.) I was pretty happy to notice that SOMETHING HAPPENED by Joseph Heller had sold from my recommendation shelf. Now that's a book that has been unfairly forgotten. Has it been forgotten? I don't even know. Maybe I'M the one who forgot it! I probably read it last when I was in my 20s. Who do I think I am? Why don't I just shut my fat thought hole? I think during the brief time when Richard Ford lived in town the one conversation we had (that can't be right; it could be right) was about his approval of SOMETHING HAPPENED's placement on my recommendation shelf. I recall Richard Ford saying, "Well, Joe and I were..." and I don't know what they were doing because my brain snapped off. But I kind of think they were doing it in Paris, whatever it was they were doing. I was filled with rage and envy and maybe... sloth? I was like (silently), "OH I GET IT, YOU CALL JOSEPH HELLER 'JOE!'" What a petty, curdled soul I have. Hey, Katelyn has her first short story coming out soon! I'll keep you posted.

"Blog"trospective 16: The Twentieth Century

Hey, remember the twentieth century? Man, that was some century. I decided to do a "blog"trospective about it. We're going to see what the history of the twentieth century would look like based on the "blog." And we'll do it by regurgitating every time I have mentioned a particular year in the twentieth century. Why am I doing this? I am avoiding a lot of work I have to do, mainly transcribing the second hour of an interview about cigarette lighters. (Note: I know you won't read this "post"! Why would you? HOW could you? I got so bored by the mid-1930s that I stopped putting it together and started transcribing that interview again.) But enough about me! I give to you the "blog's" twentieth century. 1902: Hot dogs referred to as coneys. 1903: Bob Hope born. At the movies: THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY. 1908: The founding of the Lauer glove company. 1909: A biography of John Dee published. The Alaska-Yukon-Pacific Exposition. Boiled owls referred to as tough. 1911: Notable publications: THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. THE FAIRY-FAITH IN CELTIC COUNTRIES. 1913: A year during which part of THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN probably takes place. The word "pandiculation" is in the dictionary. A barber threatens his customer. 1914: Kafka writes in his diary about ostrich feather hats. 1915: Notable deaths: Scriabin and Gabriel von Max. In the American vernacular: "skeeky." 1916: At the movies: THE SMALL MAGNETIC HAND. Magazine of note: THE ELECTRICAL EXPERIMENTER. Other notable publications: LIMEHOUSE NIGHTS. 1917: Some mummies purchased. 1918: Oliver Onions changes his name. 1919: James Reese Europe cuts some tracks. First public appearance of Barney Google. 1920: Some kid says "googol." 1922: The jail on Pitcairn Island closes. A man starts hiccuping. 1923: Q-Tips invented. Oral Sumner Coad detects a similarity between Henry VI Part 2 and Macbeth. Vita Sackville-West publishes a long preface to the diaries of Lady Anne Clifford. 1924: Musical events: "Sneeze," Gershwin's "operatic parody." 1925: Publications: FAIRIES AT WORK. LAW OF SUCCESS. At the movies: THE MERRY WIDOW.

1926: A saucy photograph torn apart and taped together. 1927: THE ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY supposedly first appears with the Latin completely translated in an All-English text. 1928: Notable publication: E.C. Segar's Popeye comics. 1929: Notable publication: MAGIC AND MYSTERY IN TIBET. 1931: Gary Cooper poses with a chimpanzee. A woman gets so scared by a movie she never goes back to the movies. Notable publications: THE SCANDAL AND CREDULITIES OF JOHN AUBREY. LO! by Charles Fort. Joan Crawford drinks champagne by the railroad tracks. A reviewer thinks Herbert Hoover's baby fat is cute. 1932: At the movies: BLESSED EVENT. On TV (!): THE TELEVISION GHOST. 1933: At the movies: GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933, COCKTAIL HOUR. 1934: Nedra Harrison begins her studies at Emerson College in Boston. 1935: Death of Fernando Pessoa. 1936: Nedra Harrison concludes her studies at Emerson College in Boston. Notable publications: Mickey Mouse comics. NIGHTWOOD. MY TEN YEARS IN A QUANDARY AND HOW THEY GREW by Robert Benchley. At the movies: the full-color Popeye short "Sinbad the Sailor." 1937: Notable publication: ANIMAL TREASURE by Ivan T. Sanderson. At the movies: a short starring Mickey Mouse's dog Pluto. 1938: Walt Disney admits to an interviewer that he once stomped an owl to death. At the movies: BROADWAY MELODY OF 1938. ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES. THE SHINING HOUR. 1939: Notable publication: FINNEGANS WAKE. Nedra Harrison portrays Lady Godiva. Beginning of the consumption of 15 million hot dogs and 15 million hamburgers.

1940: Ending of the consumption of 15 million hot dogs and 15 million hamburgers. Flann O'Brien completes the manuscript of THE THIRD POLICEMAN. 1941: Notable publications: ELECTRIC EEL CALLING. THEY GOT ME COVERED by Bob Hope. 1942: Kerouac attends a Frank Sinatra concert. At the movies: NIGHT MONSTER. 1944: Last person convicted under the Witchcraft Act of 1753. Notable publications: NAVAHO WITCHCRAFT. A TIME magazine article about the ventriloquist dummy Effie Klinker. 1945: filming on THE BIG SLEEP having been completed, Humphrey Bogart receives several massages. Movies did not often having closing credits. At the movies: SPELLBOUND. Notable publications: Archie comics. 1946: E.M. Bottomley purchases a 1923 edition of Lady Anne Clifford's diaries. Other notable publications: Archie comics. POLICE COMICS. A "Red Badge" mystery. THE CHURKENDOOSE. 1947: Rhubarb popularly declared to be a fruit. In the world of commerce and entertainment: the Chiquita Banana jingle. Ray Bolger sings of the Churkendoose. 1948: Notable publication: CULINARY ARTS INSTITUTE ENCYCLOPEDIC COOKBOOK. At the movies: RAW DEAL. 1949: At the movies: A Batman serial. Notable publication: a single-volume abridgment of Aubrey's BRIEF LIVES.

1951: Automobiles in production: The Bentley. On the radio: BOLD VENTURE! 1952: On television: THE HERMAN HICKMAN SHOW. UFOs spotted over New Mexico. 1953: a 4/5 quart bottle of Town and Racquet bourbon goes for $3.09 during the Gimbels 3-day liquor sale. Eleanor Roosevelt moves to 62nd Street. At the movies: THE CLOWN. Notable publication: MILTON CROSS'S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE GREAT COMPOSERS AND THEIR MUSIC. 1954: Filming of MOBY-DICK in Youghal, Ireland. 1955: Aliens speak with a Missouri farmer. Notable publications: HAVE TUX, WILL TRAVEL by Bob Hope. THE JOKER IS WILD by Joe E. Lewis. THE COMPLETE BOOK OF CHEESE. 1956: At the movies: BUNDLE OF JOY. U.F.O. Useful publication: The Daily Racing Form. 1957: Pilot ordered to shoot down a UFO. Automobiles in production: Ford Fairlane 500. 1958: At the movies: THE RETURN OF DRACULA. RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS! Eleanor Roosevelt moves away. 1959: A snotty article about Kerouac in LIFE magazine, the same Kerouac who uses the word "google" that year. Chimp stolen from the St. Louis Zoo. Jim enjoys eating coneys and fried chicken. Gombrowicz writes in his diary. At the movies: THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON. LI'L ABNER. THE GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA. SANTA CLAUS. Notable publications: THE LORE AND LANGUAGE OF SCHOOLCHILDREN, EARLY HAVOC. 1960: At the movies: WAKE ME WHEN IT'S OVER. 1961: JFK's fallout shelter constructed on Peanut Island. At the movies: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM. 1962: Birth of a man who owns monkeys and dogs. Death of Faulkner. Integration of the University of Mississippi. Destruction of a haunted church. 1963: Bicycle safety video. Jerry Lewis talk show. Max Goodman begins his career at WKRG. Lee Harvey Oswald gives a lecture on communism in Mobile, Alabama. Frank Sinatra Jr. kidnapped. At the movies: THE HAUNTING. 1964: Margaret Best tucked into bed by a ghost. Notable Publications: THE FAR SIDE OF THE DOLLAR. FACTS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS FROM WASHINGTON TO JOHNSON. 1965: Newspapers erroneously report that James Brown wants to turn himself into a woman. Superman practices super-ventriloquism. Notable publication: MYSTERY IN SPACE. On television: JEOPARDY! At the movies: POP GEAR. 1966: Death of Ed Wynn. Charles Portis writes for THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. McNeil's grandfather checks out a book from the library. The Doom Patrol teams up with The Flash. Notable music: Porter Wagoner's "The Cold Hard Facts of Life." Notable publication: DARKER THAN AMBER. FLY MAN. At the movies: WAY... WAY OUT. DJANGO. WHERE THE SPIES ARE. On television: OPRY ALMANAC. 1967: THE THIRD POLICEMAN finally published (see 1940). Other notable publications: LETTERS TO THE AIR FORCE ON UFOS. TALES TO ASTONISH. At the movies: WOMAN TIMES SEVEN. CASINO ROYALE. WHO'S MINDING THE MINT? 1968: Elvis Presley's famous comeback special. Elizabeth's mother goes to the prom. Art Garfunkel begins keeping a list of every book he reads. The normally goofy Metal Men start going dark. Notable publication: Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics version). 1969: Bob Hope an occasional Nixon surrogate. Art Garfunkel reads WUTHERING HEIGHTS. The moon landing. cancellation of THE BIG VALLEY. Mickey Mouse used as a verb. At the movies, all H's: HAMLET. THE HAUNTED HOUSE OF HORROR. HOOK, LINE AND SINKER. 1970: Jack Palance sings. Tipsy diners in restaurants. The Hulk battles campus protestors. Coincidentally, Bob Hope organizes "Honor America Day," which he plugs when Jerry Lewis hosts THE TONIGHT SHOW.

1971: And yet the youth will have their say with Hair Bear Bunch lunch boxes. Butter and sugar sandwiches. Wadada Leo Smith. At the movies: COLD TURKEY. UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. 1972: A ghost at West Point. Messiaen hears an owl at Bryce Canyon. On television: GARGOYLES. THE NIGHT STALKER. At the movies: DRACULA A.D. 1972. THE BISCUIT EATER. X, Y & ZEE. Notable publication: 2010: LIVING IN THE FUTURE. 1973: Professor Irwin Corey visits the Acropolis. Bob Hope visits the University of Mississippi. Roy Blount Jr. visits Pittsburgh. I begin the longstanding, but not eternal, habit of watching the Academy Award ceremony. A letter from Giggleswick. Snow. At the movies: CANNIBAL GIRLS. BREEZY. THE THREE MUSKETEERS. 1974: Autobiographies of Colonel Sanders and Jeb Magruder. Other notable publications include a facsimile of Edward Kelley's seances with John Dee and WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION. Nixon's sound check. Bruce Springsteen bootlegs. Another letter from Giggleswick. At the movies: THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH. 1975: A TV movie about syphilis. Superman comic books. Gary Giddins badmouths Sammy Davis Jr. American Top 40. "Third Rate Romance." 1976: Robert Shaw co-hosts the Oscars. A teenager goes to somebody's apartment and eats a hot dog. Attacked by wolves, Dr. Doom plunges to certain death. I stop reading comic books. At the movies: CAR WASH. HARRY AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK. GABLE AND LOMBARD. On television: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.

1977: On television: The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. At the movies: FUN WITH DICK AND JANE. SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT. ROLLERCOASTER. HOUSE. Death of Chaplin. Notable publication: THE SMITHSONIAN COLLECTION OF NEWSPAPER COMICS. 1978: An uninvited owl joins in a Shakespearean production. At the movies: LONG WEEKEND. Notable publications: THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. 1979: Adrienne Barbeau weds John Carpenter. Lincoln Center tribute to Bob Hope. Bob Hope visits China. At the movies: PROPHECY. Was considered "the present" at one time. 1980: Edith Head designs a jogging suit. Norman Mailer is married twice in four days. Elvis Costello makes a TV commercial. A sitcom based on SEMI-TOUGH. 1981: Paul Schrader pouts about THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR. Michael Palin keeps a diary. At the movies: CONTINENTAL DIVIDE. Webster's Collegiate Dictionary gives the primary definition of gopher as "a land dwelling tortoise." 1982: A conspiracy theorist is arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Death of Djuna Barnes. Charlie Callas's final TONIGHT SHOW appearance. McNeil checks out a book from the library. At the movies: SWAMP THING. AUTHOR! AUTHOR! 1983: UFOs in the woods off Whangtown road. In addition to being overcharged for a remaindered volume of Albert Einstein's thoughts, McNeil records at least two Bob Hope double features and WHO'S GOT THE ACTION? Also on television: COCAINE: ONE MAN'S SEDUCTION. STARFLIGHT: THE PLANE THAT COULDN'T LAND. Phil Donahue does a show on sadomasochism. TBS airs BOEING, BOEING. CRACKING UP appears on Jonathan Rosenbaum's annual list of best films. Richard Nixon asks Robert Altman for a VHS of NASHVILLE. 1984: At the movies: DUNE. 1985: At the movies: RED SONJA and THE NAKED FACE. In music: "Sisters are Doing It for Themselves." The future creator of VERONICA MARS has a mullet. Max Goodman ends his career at WKRG. 1986: A Cutlass Supreme is named after Julie London. Dr. Harold Wallman's RV catches fire, destroying a human skeleton he owns. 1987: Death of Ted Owens, author of HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE. TV is looked down upon. At the movies: MALONE. 1988: I get fired. An aged Jim Backus still broods over a slight by his parents. Nedra Harrison retires. In the comic books: Jack O'Lantern and Owl Woman.

1989: A year of bitterness and irony. I am skinny. An owl gets a hologram face. Zydeco Elvis wins the Battle of the Bands. The Spectre is ripped. On television: "Bob Hope's Christmas in Hawaii." At the movies: PHYSICAL EVIDENCE. 1990: A man stops hiccuping after 68 years. A priest gets a 10% discount. A band I am in travels to Jackson, Mississippi. At the movies: THE ROOKIE. 1992: I visit Milwaukee and the stage collapses. In the news: Johnny Carson trivia. 1993: I am employed. I accidentally drop my copy of a John Cheever novel into an airport toilet. At the movies: ANOTHER STAKEOUT, STRIKING DISTANCE and THE NIGHT WE NEVER MET. In music: "Blue and Far" (live). Notable publication: Leonard Maltin's Film and Video Guide. 1994: The Olsen Twins make a music video about being detectives. A Foster Brooks robot at the MGM Grand. Ward McCarthy and I attend an Elvis impersonator convention. At the movies: LITTLE WOMEN, THE FLINSTONES, and MIXED NUTS. 1995: Death of Grady Sutton. Home movies of the Foster Brooks robot. At the movies: FUNNY BONES. Notable publication: THE OXFORD COMPANION TO PHILOSOPHY. 1996: I buy a used book. An executive quits his job and blasts "Everybody Hurts" out of giant speakers. 1997: We sing a sea chantey. Notable publication: UNDERWORLD by Don DeLillo. 1998: I do not meet Phyllis Diller. Mark McGwire breaks a record. Dr. Theresa points at a hot dog. Kent Osborne visits Atlanta. A guy dreams there is gold buried in his field... and there is! 1999: People start making lists. Buffy Summers graduates from high school. Some guy sends his Bob Hope action figure on a trip around the world. At the movies: SHE'S ALL THAT. I read HANNIBAL on an airplane. I terrify Marvin Hamlisch in an elevator. Last time I talked to the guy who plays Don Pardo in the 2024 movie about Saturday Night Live. I meet either Francis Ford Coppola or a guy with a similar beard.

10 Greatest Moments of 2013

Everybody is doing their year-end lists. It seems a little early to me! Something incredible could still happen! I'll let you know. In the meantime, what a year! Nothing has quite reached the level of last year's top-ten highlight, watching a rerun of WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU while eating a salad, but still, not a bad year. Not bad. Here's the list for 2013: 10) Hilary Duff laughs and claps in slow motion while a mime in a beret and a red-and-white striped shirt waves sparklers in slow motion. 9) Bunnies in a yard. 8) A brochure about shingles. 7) I watch almost a whole Jay Leno movie. 6) I stop being so certain of what Nixon's favorite drink was. 5) Hawkman is turned to salt. 4) I put on a wool hat while my hair is still wet. 3) An excited entertainment reporter. 2) A ghost on a toilet. 1) A farting goblin.

Eye Miseries

Reading another old comic book, this one from 1968. You can see the actual cover above. It's Captain Marvel, yes, but not the REAL Captain Marvel for whom I have oft professed my love. This is a cheap, fake, knock-off Captain Marvel put out by Marvel Comics, although he really was a captain (in the Kree army) and his given name was Marv-Ell (I think), and his publisher was Marvel, so when you really think about it... What? What's that? You're not reading this anymore? Neither am I! But anyway, there is a two-page spread crammed with tiny rectangular advertisements in this here Captain Marvel comic book. One grabs my attention with its big bold headline: "Eye Miseries?" it ominously inquires. On the opposite page I am promised "YOU CAN HAVE A HE-MAN VOICE" - all I have to do is send my name, address and age to the "PERFECT VOICE INSTITUTE" of Chicago, Illinois. Below the eye miseries ad is one that says "IDEAS? WE PAY YOU. SEND US YOUR IDEA ON ANY SUBJECT, THE WILDER THE BETTER..... IT COULD MAKE YOU RICH."

Clobberstones

I watched the most recent ADVENTURE TIME episode the other night - more great work from Ako Castuera and Jesse Moynihan - and thought about how Plastic Man is the spiritual forefather of Jake the Dog. Okay, you can stop reading now. I can actually feel you not caring through my computer screen! The episode, ONE LAST JOB, explores Jake's past as a criminal. You know who else started out as a criminal? That's right! Plastic Man. And of course he was the first superhero to stretch and change shape the way Jake does. The connection isn't intentional, but I like it. It comforts me! What sad straws I cling to for an illusion of order in our troubled world. Above, Plastic Man turns himself into a milk carton to advertise milk cartons. Buying all these old comic books has made me consider what kind of comic book stories I was drawn to as a kid. I liked the lighter superheroes, I guess, the ones with some humor - Plastic Man, the Metal Men, Captain Marvel... what? Are you still reading this? Don't you have something better to do? Because I don't. DON'T GET ME WRONG! I read lots of "edgy" Marvel comic books, too, not just square old DC, and I liked some of the "darker" DC characters, like the Phantom Stranger... ah, but revisiting this stuff... so Batman and the Phantom Stranger have teamed up to fight a persecuted religious sect (!) that has taken over Gotham City. And a hypnotized Robin causes cobblestones to fly up magically from the street and bonk people in the noggins. And Batman says, as I have previously reported on twitter, "THOSE COBBLESTONES... HAVE BECOME... CLOBBERSTONES!" Ha ha, yes, that's DC's idea of "dark," I guess. But let me say that the Plastic Man story I bought, an issue of POLICE COMICS from 1946, still feels really fresh and new, while Marvel's "sophisticated" and "allegorical" WARLOCK comics from the 1970s, for example, come off as pompous and silly, at least the couple of issues I have here. In fact, the "darker" the Marvel comic, the more overwrought and ridiculous it seems to me now, while I can still get a non-ironic kick from the Metal Men and the Atom teaming up. And yeah, the Metal Men were lighthearted, but they sure got melted and blown up a lot. I can't think of any superheroes who died as often as the Metal Men. Okay, go about your business and leave me alone with my thoughts.

The Tall Tree

Last night there was either a small chaperoned gathering for a church youth group that spontaneously exploded into a dance party or a cruelly enforced dance party that devolved into a grueling fiction workshop. Details are hazy. According to Dr. Theresa, my knee hurts because I "tried to do some kind of limbo move." We analyzed my seminal text: "He saw a tall tree and thought, That's a tall tree." It was either a keening lament for the state of modern fiction or a celebration of the written word, no one could tell. Story "The Tall Tree" reprinted by permission of the Yalobusha Review. Dessert of bittersweet chocolate, bacon and marshmallows provided by Sarah, who told us that alligators eat marshmallows, is that what she said? I am retaining an image of someone standing at the end of a pier, tossing marshmallows into the hellish maw of a grateful, smiling alligator. Sarah's uncle once appeared on a Fox News program because of his sighting of the Honey Island Swamp Monster, so she should know. (See also.) Dance-fuel pork shoulder provided by Stan's, the finest purveyor of pork in all the land. Here is a "yelp" review explaining some of the greatness that is Stan's. Remember Stan's for all your pork needs! And Kool & the Gang's "Open Sesame" for your dancing requirements, the genie's repeated command for "everybody" to "get down" lending itself to the "enforced dance party" theory. Shazam! (PS How can "Open Sesame" get 36 "dislikes" on youtube? As one youtube commenter notes with admirably plainspoken bewilderment: "36 people don't want to get down with the genie.")

Happy Airplane Pills

Dr. Theresa and I went on an airplane. The doctor (not Dr. Theresa) gave me happy airplane pills to make me happy on the airplane. Dr. Theresa showed me a picture in the shopping catalog they give you on the airplane. It was of a sculpture called "Bigfoot the Bashful Yeti." I think you are supposed to attach it to a tree in your yard and passersby will think there is a bigfoot peeking out from behind a tree in your yard. But the bigfoot doesn't look "bashful" as advertised. "He looks sullen," Dr. Theresa observed. We flew to South Carolina. There we were thrilled to spend time with our old friends Dr. "M." and the Farmer. We even caught a glimpse of the mysterious Dr. Baby. Dr. Theresa presented an informative talk on THE SCARLET LETTER at a college. In a different venue, I spouted my strained witticisms at a smattering of stunned bystanders. A good time was had by all. Dr. "M." promises another one of her "TV Korner" "blog" contributions soon... maybe about CHEERS vs. FAMILY TIES or possibly a look at the new series PAN AM. I read some of THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST by Tom Wolfe in the airport. There are no owls in it... yet! But our friend Captain Marvel is all over the place. For example, "Billy Batson said Shazam! and turned into Captain Marvel. Jay Garrick inhaled an experimental gas at the research lab..." For Tom Wolfe, these are drug references. Speaking of airplanes, "Blog" Buddy, friend and neighbor Tom Franklin is in London RIGHT NOW! They just gave him a gold dagger. That's what I said all right, a gold dagger. It is a huge award (with a televised ceremony!) you can read about right here. Good luck getting it through airport security! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Because it's a gold dagger!

Shazam

I went over to Square Books and bought a copy of SUPERGODS by Grant Morrison because I read a kind of bad review of it, and you know me. Bad reviews make me buy things in defiance! Just skimming so far, but pleased to see that like Elaine Dundy before him, Morrison emphasizes the connection between Elvis Presley and Captain Marvel Jr.: "by the time his own physique was somewhat less than slender, he had his costumes designed to recall Captain Marvel Jr.'s boyish, cavalier spirit. Take a look at the short capes and high collars Presley wore in later years and note how Captain Marvel Jr.'s tousled, jet-blue cut was re-created on Elvis's troubled head." Speaking of Square Books, I haven't mentioned my famous recommendation shelf in a while because IT STOPPED SELLING. But a couple of days ago I rearranged it completely AND IT SOLD ANOTHER BOOK WITHIN MINUTES. Check it out! Buy a book! It won't kill you! I don't get paid for this! I am just trying to keep the publishing industry alive. You're welcome! (PS - Please note that while I titled this "post" "Shazam," that is what Billy Batson said to turn into Captain Marvel, NOT what Freddy the newsboy said to turn into Captain Marvel Jr. What Freddy said was "Captain Marvel"! Which is kind of confusing when you think about it. He could never introduce himself to anybody! Because when he said it again, he would change back! Anyway I'm so glad I cleared that up. I didn't want you to stay up tonight worrying.) Hey, while I've got you here... what? You have somewhere to be? While I've got you here, I was thinking about that hilarious time recounted in the 1909 John Dee bio when Edward Kelley was having a seance with Dr. Dee and asked the spirit to loan him a few bucks. Then I remembered I have the 1659 facsimile of all the recorded seances, so I thought I would look up that particular one to see whether there was any other hilarious hilarity. Nope. The rest of it was mostly like this: "Here appear 14 of divers evil-favoured shapes: some like Monkies, some like Dogs, some very hairy monstrous men, &c. They seemed to scratch each other by the face." Shazam!

Dean Marvel

So I'm reading DEAN & ME by Jerry Lewis and right here he says that Dean Martin loved Captain Marvel comic books. Yesterday, I'm reading about Elvis and Captain Marvel, today it's Dean and Captain Marvel. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Nuts

I was at Off Square Books. That's where the used books are! And I came across a secondhand copy of Elaine Dundy's book about Elvis Presley and his mother. Yes, in case you didn't know, witty, worldly, sophisticated Elaine Dundy - novelist of comedies of manners set on the Left Bank of Paris and in swinging London, whose work has probably been described by some critic as "a soufflé laced with arsenic" or "a champagne cocktail with a razor blade in it" or, I don't know, some other thing a critic might say involving light food and a weapon - also wrote a book about Elvis Presley and his mother. And I was standing there thinking, you know, gosh, do I really need this? So I opened it up and it begins, BEGINS I said, with a detailed description of the origin of Captain Marvel's sidekick Captain Marvel, Jr. So at one point Captain Marvel has flown with severely injured Freddy Freeman (soon to be - SPOILER ALERT! - Captain Marvel, Jr.) to a hospital, but is denied entry by what Dundy calls "an officious hospital attendant." Dundy continues: "Responding with a simple 'Nuts,' Captain Marvel walks through a wall and into an operating room where he curtly orders a surprised doctor to 'get to work' on the young boy." So my question was answered. Yes, I really need this.

The Universe Wants Me to Keep "Blogging"

Boy! I could have gone on and on with that last "post." But I stopped. The 70s Captain Marvel reference, plus the emphasis on dubious entertainment, almost made me reveal unto you a "link" that Phil sent me last night. It would have been perfect! So why did I stop? I guess I was feeling bad about myself! Maybe I was thinking it was dumb to "blog" about things that no one could or should possibly care about, including me! "I will seem like a lunatic!" may have been one of my thoughts. But when, oh when, will I learn never to forget what Chuang Tzu said about "blogging"? So look. If you dare! Here is the "link" ("click" here) that Phil sent me. Phil doesn't seem to think much of it. "If I can scorch my eyeballs, so you can you," he writes. He refers to Loretta Swit's singing via dismissive quotation marks. It's from a musical about Superman! Here's the thing. I recall specifically begging for permission to stay up really late and watch this on TV one night. It was being shown at some ungodly hour. This was before the dvr had been invented, if you can believe it! If you wanted to see a terrible musical about Superman you had to stay up late! And it only came on once and you could never, ever see it again. Until now, through the magic of youtube, where every shameful artifact of the cultural abyss from which my emotionally paralyzed generation sprang has been lovingly preserved. And though I saw it only that once - like 35 years ago or something! - I think I remember a joke from it (which I have not confirmed through further youtube viewing): a powerful laser (or something) burns Superman's hand and someone advises him to "put a little butter on that." Strangely, I also remember my brother and I going around the next morning chanting the first thing you hear in the clip Phil happened to send. So why the change of heart? Why the addendum? Well, when I was looking for a picture of Pat Boone with which to illustrate that last "post," I came across this illustration (above) featuring Pat Boone and Superman. And I was like, "It's an omen!" That's what I was like. Oh, and I remembered the name of the actor who played Captain Marvel - Jackson Bostwick - without looking it up. I always remembered it! Maybe I didn't use it in the last "post" because I was ashamed of my "blogging"! But I owe Mr. Bostwick the identical apology I recently offered Robert Walden. When will I ever learn?

Disturbin' Indeed

I was up at five in the morning for no good reason. The Fox Movie Channel was showing a movie called MARDI GRAS, starring Pat Boone, the go-to guy when you're making a movie about Mardi Gras. I didn't watch too much of it. Why not? Well, take a gander at these lyrics to the phony baloney ersatz blues song Pat was crooning: "Saxophones keep honking/ And I keep honky-tonking/ Trying to lose/ Those disturbin' Bourbon Street blues." Holy cow! Right before that, TCM was showing a Ken Berry movie. Ken Berry! Gone from my consciousness for lo these many years and suddenly he's everywhere - last night, costarring with First Lady of the American Theatre Helen Hayes. I know, you've never heard of Helen Hayes. OR Pat Boone, who is the OPPOSITE of Mardi Gras! I can't help it! You're probably better off. How can I put this? Ken Berry is NOT the First Lady of the American Theatre. Let's see. It's as if Screech from SAVED BY THE BELL starred in a movie with Meryl Streep. That example is not apt. Not apt! Plus you probably don't know who Screech is! You have moved beyond my orbit of references, and I salute you. You win. You win, world! I give up. I give up in general. Except to tell you that I took an acting class in college and one day the guy who played Captain Marvel on Saturday morning TV in the 70s was our special guest speaker and he told us he used to play cards with Helen Hayes. Now that's some sizzling celebrity gossip you can take to the bank!

I'm a Sad Piker

I got my Jughead hat information from a "web" site called "I'm Learning to Share!" (Exclamation point theirs for a change.) Folks, this "web" site makes me sick - with envy, that is! Everything I have "blogged" about, this person has "blogged" about, and better. Yes, "I'm Learning to Share" even goes down cultural paths I never dared imagine. Take the "post" called "Not enough people are talking about Judy Canova." Judy Canova! Judy Canova? It has everything you might want to know about Judy Canova, including a "link" to a record of hers called "Bananas Ain't Got No Bonies" (!) and a photograph of her with Captain Marvel (pictured). I hate to admit I had no idea who Judy Canova was. Her name was vaguely familiar. And she has a kind of Martha Raye thing going on. But don't take it from me. I use the Judy Canova "post" merely as a jumping off point. Dig down for yourself and see what you find. Everything, probably.

Novelty Mug Encourages Useless Reflection

Hi! I am drinking coffee from an enormous Wonder Woman mug belonging to Theresa. I believe it is an art object, and not meant to be used as a cup in the real world - it's like a prop for a hobbit movie - yet that never stops me. It was made in China and the inside is painted, and isn't that where all the lead paint came from that time - China? Oh well. It is far too late to worry about that. Now for my point. Remember yesterday, when we were discussing what SHAZAM stands for? Inside the enormous Wonder Woman mug are inscribed these words: "BEAUTIFUL AS APHRODITE, WISE AS ATHENA, STRONG AS HERCULES, AND SWIFTER THAN MERCURY." Most of the letters in SHAZAM are represented, and they retain Hercules and Mercury from the acronym, adding something from the distaff side - and it seems to me they could have thought of a few other goddesses or heroines to paint on the inside of the Wonder Woman mug because there's really no need to associate the letters from SHAZAM with Wonder Woman, although I do recall that Captain Marvel had a sister named Mary Marvel (pictured) and when she said "SHAZAM" Aphrodite and Athena were probably invoked, in fact I'm going to look it up because my life has lost all meaning.

The What of Zeus

Tom Franklin writes in from Brazil, "depressed," he says, that the grad students are unaware of Captain Marvel. Cheer up, Tom, you're in Brazil! Not only does Tom know about Captain Marvel, he remembers what all the letters in the Captain's magic word "Shazam!" stand for, and which powers they denote. I give you the list as Tom gave it to me: "the strength of Hercules, the wisdom of Solomon, the speed of Mercury, the stamina of Atlas, the invincibility of Achilles, and the, um, what of Zeus? Thunderboltness?"

Shazam Indeed

It is my sad duty to report as an old man with nothing left to cling to that not a single one of my graduate students is familiar with Billy Batson (pictured earlier on the "blog" without an identifying caption, unthinkingly accepting a soda fountain treat from his disguised nemesis Dr. Sivana) OR his alter ego Captain Marvel. I explained that when young Billy Batson said the magic word ("Shazam," of which they had also not heard) the magic lightning struck and he was transformed into the World's Mightiest Mortal. "He turns into a MAN?" one of them blurted. In all her years of graduate school she had never heard something so preposterous.

Strawberry Milkshake

Dig if you will these few lines of poetic expression: "Strawberry milkshake,/ Put in the cream,/ Put in your ashtray,/ Turn out the light,/ Cos we're having a milkshake - " Frank O'Hara, you guess? Or no. Maybe Ashbery? Wrong again! It's Jerry Lewis, baby. I finally got hold of ENFANT TERRIBLE!, that academic compendium on Jerry. One reason I like it is because it's the only scholarly work I can think of offhand with an exclamation point rather than a colon in the title. I also like the article by Frank Krutnik, in which we find the fragment above. It's a ditty Jerry improvised on the COLGATE COMEDY HOUR, in a role as a soda jerk. I've written in the past about how hard it is to duplicate the pertinent aspects of Jerry's voice on the page. Turning it into poetry doesn't do it, quite, but there is something revelatory about Krutnik's technique. I'm sorry to say it's the only passage he treats in such a way. (He lays it out nicely on the page like a real poem, and it's a real pleasure to read. It's my own fault I never figured out how to do line breaks on the "blog.") I want to see more, Krutnik! Maybe it's time for a new volume: FOUND POEMS BY JERRY. Let's get some interns working on it.

The Bad Humor Man

But I should mention that the trip to Atlanta gave us a chance to see many old friends. Theresa and I had dinner with Phil Oppenheim on Friday night, for example. I mention this though it is sure to drive McNeil mad with envy. (Note to McNeil: Phil asked about you!) At one point, Phil said something disparaging about Jack Carson. My feathers were ruffled, you may be assured! But we soon smoothed things over and moved on to more cheerful topics. Upon our return to Mississippi, I checked the email and found that Phil had been kind enough to think up three things he enjoyed about THE GOOD HUMOR MAN, a Jack Carson vehicle that he had held up to particular scorn over dinner. In retrospect, Phil felt bad because I dvr'd THE GOOD HUMOR MAN but have not watched it yet. He was sorry he had ruined it for me! Phil is a softy at heart. That's the suspicion around here. So here are the three things he managed to dredge up out of compassion and pity, though his original argument was strong and I may just delete the film sight unseen to make more room on the dvr. Enumerated Phil: "(1) all of the Good Humor trucks, logos and uniforms look super cool, (2) the inappropriate moments of screwball comedy (thanks, Frank Tashlin) are weird enough to enliven the proceedings somewhat, and (3) there are more references (including key plot twists) to Captain Marvel in this film than in any other I remember seeing, which in my book is a very good thing indeed." Thanks for trying, Phil!