Sunday, March 28, 2010

Late Night Blender Report

This just in from the NBIL: "So, Jasper's late night feeding schedule has given me the opportunity to catch up on my infomercials. The gloves are off in the late night blender battle! [Loyal "blog" readers will recall the NBIL's fascination with "The Magic Bullet." - ed.] Last night alone," continues the NBIL, "I saw four different blenders advertised in half hour long informercials! Here's what the Bullet is up against: The Torpedo - None of the new crop of blender informercials has the same cast of lovable characters as seen in the original Magic Bullet commerical, but the Torpedo does have Fabio Viviani of Top Chef fame as a pitchman. This one has some sort of autonomous 'smart' mode that allows you to leave the blender unattended while it whips your frozen margaritas to just the right consistency or grinds your coffee beans into powdery oblivion. How does it know?! The Montel Williams HealthMaster - Montel also goes all high tech with a 'patented digital emulsification system.' Foods prepared in the HealthMaster evidently cause the consumer to miraculously lose lots of weight! I think it has something to do with the fact that boiling removes the nutrients from brocolli. At least that was a point that was harped upon repeatedly in the commercial. The Ninja - Continuing the trend of violently named kitchen appliances. Judging from the informercial, this blender is built by ancient Japanese swordsmiths. The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer - Technically not a blender, but don't tell that to Jack LaLanne. The makers of the Magic Bullet have risen to the occasion however, with a new blender - the Bullet Express! This a larger, more robust version of the lovable little bullet that does double duty as a juicer. The highlight of this informercial is when juice is made using a whole pear, several carrots and quarter of a watermelon! The actress who then drinks this concoction does a poor job of concealing her initial 'bleh' reaction before putting on a huge fake smile/look of amazement. That's it on the blender front. There are a couple of other products worth mentioning making the late night informercial rounds: The Yudu - Tabletop do-it-yourself screen printing. Make your own t-shirts! The Fein Multimaster - I still don't know what this thing is. All I know is that it was being used purely for destruction. At one point in the infomercial, the spokespeople are informed that the pile of rubble in the room into which they have just walked took several days to create. They then proceed to use the Fein Multimaster to demonstrate how the same pile of rubble could have been created in mere minutes! It was awesome!" And that's it from the sleep-deprived NBIL. A few notes: 1) Don't blame the NBIL for the lack of paragraph breaks. That's on me. 2) The government would want you to know that the NBIL is not being paid by any informercial tycoon nor endorsing any product, and neither am I. 3) I will probably be tempted to look up the Fein Multimaster tomorrow and give you the lowdown.