Saturday, September 25, 2010

Zero Availability

Hey, I have suddenly figured out how to make some good money off of my novel SHUT UP, UGLY which was supposed to be published but never was. Are you a lawyer? Do you enjoy destroying behemoths? Then listen up! Over there at the behemoth, they have a page advertising my novel, which does not exist. The page proclaims that the novel is "out of print" and has "limited availability." I beg to differ! It has never been in print, so it cannot be "out of print." It has zero availability, I might add. To suggest otherwise is a slur upon me as a gentleman! It may also discourage any publisher foolhardy enough otherwise to grab up this priceless jewel which was so timely three years ago when I filled it with its masterful Zac Efron references. Through its sloppy and malicious practices, the behemoth has made it appear as though my novel has gone out of print in mere months (for some reason they list February 2010 as the publication date), thereby damaging my "standing" in the "literary world." They even assign me a sales ranking, which as of this "post" is 9,404,295. Certainly an affront to my dignity and an unfair stain upon my reputation as a professional, as there should be no sales ranking at all! HOW CAN PEOPLE BUY SOMETHING THAT NEVER EXISTED? As you are aware, no humans are employed by the behemoth and it is staffed entirely by robots who do not understand our human emotions. Sometimes one of them will feel strange stirrings in his or her circuitry and say, "Is this what it means... to love?" But that is as close as they get. So that is a challenge! But if you are a lawyer who is not afraid of robots, get in touch! (Pictured: Zac Efron or a soulless robot. You decide!)