The Bouillon Incident

So Dr. Theresa and I were driving back from Memphis in one of those cars with that there satellite radio in it. And we tuned into an old-time radio drama starring Orson Welles, in which he kept talking about "meat juice," and, in fact, the title of the episode was "Meat Juice." I can tell you don't believe me! So "click" here and check out the title of episode 26! Well, after a bit, we began to get tired of hearing Orson Welles say "meat juice," as hard as that may be to believe. So we tried out different radio stations, and we were singing along, often inserting the phrase "meat juice" into a well-timed pause. Then we landed on an episode of American Top 40 from 1975 (presumably a different episode than the one we listened to in 2012 under remarkably similar circumstances), and old Casey Kasem spun "Third Rate Romance," a rather sleazy tune from my childhood. What filth my parents allowed me to listen to! Not recalling all the words, I bellowed over one verse the nonsensical imagery, "He was sittin' on a meat juice throne" and Dr. Theresa jumped in to provide the next line, "He was completely covered in foam." And now you can see why our 30th wedding anniversary is coming up pretty soon. You know what? I was going to save this photo (above) for that occasion, but now suddenly seems like the right time to show you Dr. Theresa (pre-doctorate) pointing at a hot dog in 1998. You may be wondering how I can date the photo with such startling accuracy! Well, I'll tell you. Kent Osborne took that photo at a professional baseball game at what was then called Turner Field. I don't know, maybe it's still called Turner Field! [It's not. - ed.] The president of TBS let us have his seats, so they were probably pretty good. I can't remember why he did that. To get us off his back? Once I ran into him in the grocery store and I was holding some bouillon cubes and all I could think to say to him was, "Bouillon cubes," as I waved my bouillon cubes in the air at him. He always had a mild and cheerful demeanor, but he made me nervous! I know it was 1998 (the hot dog photo, not the bouillon incident) because that's the year, so the "internet" tells me, that (in a different baseball game) Mark McGwire broke a big home run record, and it was on the very same visit from Kent that he watched Mark McGwire break that record on the TV at Manuel's Tavern, begging me (Kent was) to turn around and face the TV and enjoy the spectacle with him, but I kept my back turned to Mark McGwire for jerk-like reasons that now elude me. Anyhow, the "internet" says that (the Mark McGwire thing, not the bouillon incident) happened on September 8, 1998, and today is September 7, 2025! What a world. I don't like it.

The Bolger Assertion

Hey, the other day, the ninth episode of ACE GOES HOLLYWOOD "dropped," as you kids like to say. You say it all the time! I can just hear you now, saying it. How I hate you! Where was I? You remember ACE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD. It's where, on the "web" site FLAMING HYDRA, I converse with Ace Atkins about his time working on the Pauly Shore film JURY DUTY. But today I was thinking not about the latest episode, but episode 6, in which Ace mentions Sammy Davis Jr. and I demand that he explain to the reader, if any, who Sammy Davis Jr. is. Ace doesn't think it's necessary. That's when I say, quote, "I told you, I work with kids that never heard of CHEERS! Which is fine. Why should they? You know what? It’s time for me to die anyway." To which Ace wisely replies, "Well, we gotta finish this first." You'll see the connection soon enough. Connection to what? Leave me alone! So, I've been reading a book about ancient Greece, but I'm not going to name it, because I'm enjoying it, but it's going to seem like I'm being peevish and critical when I say things like it seems to be written for people who have never read a book before. Like the author will interject - and this will be a paraphrase, but I wouldn't call it an exaggeration - "The ancient Greeks didn't have online banking like you and me!" Okay. Maybe she's being welcoming and chummy, and what's wrong with that? I'm the real monster here. We all know that. But late in the book she starts a sentence this way, and this is an exact quotation: "As Ray Bolger sang..." WHAT! It has the feeling, again, of being an attempt to draw in the reader cozily, conversationally, but WHAT! Not even I would start a sentence "As Ray Bolger sang..." and I've seen a lot of Ray Bolger movies. More than you have! I've seen more Ray Bolger movies than Ray Bolger ever did! And look. She's not even talking about THE WIZARD OF OZ. She's talking about something called "The Churkendoose." The Churkendoose! And here's where you smugly inform me that you know everything about the Churkendoose, and everybody knows about it, and you've thought about the Churkendoose every day of your life for as long as you can remember, and I'm the last person on earth who doesn't know about the Churkendoose. It's like the time I was so excited to see wild turkeys (of which the Churkendoose is a close relation!) and everybody got together to pee on my happiness. I'm just saying the hip kids of today aren't Ray Bolger experts. Or maybe they are! But I think maybe you're pushing them away! Hey! Remember the time I read a long, serious book about Hinduism and the author almost immediately quoted Garrison Keillor? Anyway, the Churkendoose came out as a book in 1946, and Ray Bolger croaked his way through the musical adaptation in 1947. Or, as A.I. so helpfully informed me (without me asking!), it was "first published in 2003."

Spy Sandwich

Last night I watched some of THE QUILLER MEMORANDUM. Two of your immediate questions might be, "What's that?" and "Why?" As to the latter, who the hell knows why I do anything. For example, I used to "blog," but then I quit, but then I started up again to cheer the world during a time of tribulation, but now I don't know whether or not I have quit again because in my opinion the world has been cheered up enough. But! One time when I surely "blog" is whenever I see something I should have included in my nonfiction book about cigarette lighters, which no one remembers, including me. To make a long story short (ha ha!) George Segal approaches Alec Guinness to ask for a light, and Alec Guinness produces his cigarette lighter, and they engage in some seemingly innocent banter, but it is all a secret way of saying, "Are you the spy I am supposed to meet? Because I am a spy also." And the answer: "Yes, I am a spy. Would you like a sandwich?" (Alec Guinness offers fellow spy George Segal a sandwich.) Now, there was a whole section of my cigarette lighter book about spies using lighters in their spy business, not limited to, but including, as a way to start a secret spy conversation. I had a whole epigraph about it, if I'm not mistaken. Every chapter had an epigraph! That's the kind of book we're talking about. No wonder I can't remember it. The epigraph, I do recall, came courtesy of Ace Atkins, thanks to his extensive knowledge of the James Bond franchise.

The Taurog Allusion

I happened to notice that in VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET, Jerry Lewis, in historical costume, has trouble sitting in a chair because of his sword, in a gag that recurs some years later in the Coen Brothers film HAIL, CAESAR!, in which George Clooney, in historical costume, has trouble sitting in a chair because of his sword. Coincidence, you say? That is as may be! But in a later scene in the latter film, Clooney mentions Norman Taurog. And who is Norman Taurog? Only the director of VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET. I don't "blog" anymore but what do you want me to do with my life? I'm serious, tell me.

The Neville Conundrum

Here's Adam Sandler walking past "my" table at Dan Tana's in the movie SANDY WEXLER, or, as Kent Osborne calls it, SANDLY ADAMS. Did I watch SANDY WEXLER? Apparently I did. I have a comment and a question. The comment: It is really long! It took me two nights to finish it. At one point I was like, well, we must be reaching the end of SANDY WEXLER. So I paused it and saw that there was another hour to go. I couldn't imagine how it would be filled. It shouldn't take two nights to watch a comedy. I did a little math. I'm not good at math, nor did I check the running time of BROADWAY DANNY ROSE, the movie from which SANDY WEXLER lifted most eagerly. But I think you could fit 1.5 BROADWAY DANNY ROSEs into a SANDY WEXLER. That's an estimate! [There are almost exactly 1.548 Broadway Danny Roses in a Sandy Wexler - ed.] Aaron Neville is in SANDY WEXLER, which, combined with the fact that when I went to Rob Schneider's house he compared his own height favorably with that of Aaron Neville, leads me to the question: is Aaron Neville friends with the 90s cast of Saturday Night Live?

The Hamilton Consolation

Well, Mom and Dad have had a truly terrible ordeal trying to get back home to Alabama from Los Angeles. In fact, they are still stuck in the Houston airport and will be until late tonight. Last night their flight was diverted to Dallas, where they had to sit on the runway for several hours before getting off the plane and spending the night there... not part of the plan! "But guess who I met on the flight?" Mom asked. "George Hamilton!" I asked what she said to him. "'Gosh it's nice to see you in person,'" Mom said. She said they talked back and forth for a while and I asked what about and Mom said she really doesn't remember, everybody was so exhausted. Here once again is the photograph that my friend Ward McCarthy and I got of George Hamilton by screaming at him from a van many years ago ("click" here for more details).

The Costco Experience

Here's a picture Ace took when we went to Memphis today. He called out of the blue and off we went. On the way we talked about John D. MacDonald some. I thought I had detected a single similarity between MacDonald and Charles Willeford, two extremely different writers. But I noticed that they are both willing to stop their plots in what I find to be a really pleasant way, and just dally over some other subject for a whole chapter or two, say: not what you expect necessarily from a "crime novel." I asked Ace - who was a newspaperman in Florida, you know - whether he thought it had anything to do with the fact that MacDonald and Willeford are both considered "Florida writers," as stylistically different as they are. Ace gave me a good history lesson on Florida crime writing and the particular idiosyncrasies of John D. MacDonald, and the ride to Memphis whizzed by. Ace was going there to speak at a branch of the Memphis Public Library. When we pulled in I could not help but notice that people were selling barbecue from a tent in the library parking lot. Because we were in Memphis! So I let Ace go in to "speak" and had some barbecue instead. I was drawn to the welcome sight of baloney. Not your thin Oscar Mayer-style slices. Nice thick honest rounds of real baloney, my friends. And they put two on a sandwich, as I now know from experience. I finished my sandwich - a real bargain at $3! - and was about to walk into the library when I overheard the library security guard say to a bystander, "The slaw is exceptional." I asked if he were referring to the slaw they put on the barbecue sandwiches in the library parking lot and he said yes and I quite agreed with him. So I said that I was almost tempted to go back and try the smoked sausage. He revealed that he had first had a smoked sausage and then gone back for the baloney! So we bonded over that. So did I go back and have a smoked sausage sandwich? It is really none of your beeswax. THAT KIND OF PERSONAL DECISION IS BETWEEN ME AND THE LIBRARY SECURITY GUARD. I saw no signage, so I asked the barbecue guys whether they had a restaurant and the main guy said, "No, we ride around." Then he said that his regular spot is on the corner of Winchester and Elvis Presley Boulevard. Go visit! And tell 'em "Bloggy" the "Blog" Mascot sent you. Finally I went in the library and was very pleasantly surprised to find that Ace's fellow speakers included Scott Phillips and Jedidiah Ayres. We were able to catch up a little bit. Then Ace and I had some Gus's Fried Chicken (SIDE NOTE! When Kent sent me the photo to use in my "Kent Eating Chicken" "post" I promised in return to take him to Gus's next time he visits... and he told me he has already been, of course! He has even been to a second secret Tennessee chicken location that John T. Edge told him about! You can't get ahead of Kent Osborne when it comes to chicken). Over chicken, thinking back on the speaking engagement I had just enjoyed, I speculated that our friend Scott was the first person to use the phrase "a pile of genitals" in the Memphis Public Library and Ace responded, "I THINK NOT." Then Ace said, "Have you ever had the Costco experience?" I had to answer in the negative. Turned out, Ace had to go to Costco and renew his membership and buy one million items from Costco. It also turns out the "Costco experience" is pretty much the same as the "grocery store experience." BUT! Then I passed a whole stack of kayaks in the Costco. Kayaks stacked to the skies! And Ace said, "You know they also sell coffins at Costco." He wasn't kidding! They really do. But the final part of the Costco experience is that when you leave they kind of frisk you! Well, they go through your stuff like you're smuggling uranium. There's your Costco experience. We drove back to town and dropped off the frozen stuff and one of Ace's kids hit me with a light saber. (PS Ace's kids are the best! I am recalling the incident with fondness and good humor!) "Chicken, kayaks and coffins," Dr. Theresa said, summing up my own summary of my day. It sounded like the title of a memoir! Maybe of the founder of Costco! When Ace brought me home we found Dr. Theresa and Megan there. They had just finished watching the old live-action Disney chiller THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS, inspired by Jimmy's thesis defense, in which he cited it, and they were still a little freaked out by the apparently traumatic alternate endings with which the DVD had come supplied. So I gave Megan her first ever belt of rye. A 13-year-old rye! Oh, this day has been coming.

The Campari Decision

I was sitting at the bar at Snackbar and having dinner - soft shell crabs! - when I noticed that a young woman was drinking Campari. I almost said, "Hey, Richard Nixon's favorite drink was Campari and soda!" But I didn't say that, because I suddenly realized I have no idea whether that is actually true. Where did I read it? Did I read it? Who knows? I have been going around for years just casually saying it like it's true. THAT ENDS NOW. Randy Yates, the owner of Ajax, sat down next to me at the bar, and I told him how every time Kent Osborne comes to town he orders Ajax's chicken po-boy numerous times, and I petitioned Randy on the spot to rename the chicken po-boy "The Osborne" but I must admit Randy just didn't care.

The Capote Assumption

Went to a party dressed up as Hunter S. Thompson. As was my fear (desire?), one person thought I was Truman Capote.

The Bieber Clarification

Are you a writer who enjoys pleasant experiences? Then you should try to get a gig at Hendrix College in Conway, Arkansas. I gave a little talk there last night and they treated me like a king! They put me up in a luxurious apartment for starters. The previous guest? Lydia Davis! A person named Maria told me she had never seen a jacket as nice as mine except on B.B. King, which is probably the greatest compliment ever. After I did my little show in a beautiful auditorium, some of the students took me to a pizza place that had run out of pizza. So that was funny. We had salads and it was a good time. At one point, the booth behind ours was occupied by a large number of young rowdies who had become boisterous due to the imbibing of intoxicating liqueurs, unless I miss my guess. One of them was trying to clarify an opinion with which some of his friends had taken issue, and he bellowed forcefully: "I like Justin Bieber AS A PERSON!"

The Ellenbogen Objection

... was a great Robert Ludlum novel. No, I received a rather barbed note from a Dr. Ellenbogen, who seemed to think I had insulted the Ellenbogen name by postulating that Jerry Lewis would have fun saying it. Quite the contrary! It just happens to have the arrangement of syllables and the concluding "en" characteristic of words that Jerry Lewis likes to repeat. I love Jerry Lewis and I love the name. I'm not even sure how having a fun name to say could be construed as an insult, but the title Dr. Ellenbogen gave to his note was "Effete Echolalia," which I believe was meant to be hurtful.

The Borgnine Presumption

... was a great Robert Ludlum novel. Ha ha! I never get tired of that joke. Because I'm a hack. So, Brian Z. wonders if the ernieborgnine on Twitter is, as he claims, THE Ernest Borgnine. I say, "Why not?" His tweeterings are about things like a successful trip to the dentist and watching HONG KONG PHOOEY with his grandson. If they are parody, they are the most benign and charmingly pointless parody imaginable. And Mr. "Borgnine's" writing style jibes completely with what I know of it from his preface to George "Goober" Lindsey's autobiography GOOBER IN A NUTSHELL, which was given to me by Mr. Ward as a birthday present some years ago. A representative passage: "Once, on my birthday, a great, big box was delivered to my door. I opened it up and inside was a huge, championship stuffed turkey, a gift from George. I still have that gigantic turkey in the Lincoln Room in my house. Another year George gave me a huge toy ape with a little toy baby kitten tucked around its shoulders. I take that ape everywhere I go. I’m gonna leave it to my grandkids one day. George is more than just a friend. He’s a hope. And he should be to everyone in the country and the world."

The Butterscotch Dilemma

Not quite a Robert Ludlum title, but close. Larry King is back on Twitter and he wants to know the difference between caramel and butterscotch. Somebody help the man out!

The Fujiwara Effect

Finally! I'm once again writing "posts" with titles that sound like Robert Ludlum novels. Anyway, spurred on by Chris Fujiwara's Jerry Lewis article, I just watched THE PATSY again. Yep: it's the greatest! Received a mid-movie call from McNeil, who says that Fujiwara also wrote that book NIGHTFALL of which he (McNeil) is so enamored. In another coincidence, I figured out that in the second "post" about Jerry I ever did, there's a "link" to another Fujiwara article. Fujiwara is everywhere and we didn't even know it! McNeil says there's another fascinating Jerry Lewis coincidence afoot (non-Fujiwara, I believe) but he doesn't want to tell me yet. He's digging deeper, he says. Look! It's Jerry with a beard. That's so you won't get bored with me and turn away. It's a change of pace to keep our "blogger"/reader relationship spicy!

The Poplin Consideration

If Robert Ludlum were alive today, he'd be mining this "blog" for novel titles! Anyway, today I was thinking about my shirt. I was like, "What is this? Poplin? Is this poplin?" Then I thought, "What's poplin?"

Some Corrections

"The Ekberg Objection" was our "post" with the Ludlum-like title - not "The Ekberg Misdirection," as previously reported. I mean, "The Ekberg Misdirection" sounds pretty Ludlummy, but "The Ekberg Objection" came first, so the honors must go to it in all fairness. Incidentally, we were at a dinner party tonight and someone used the phrase (for reasons too complicated to explain at the moment, or ever) "The Lazarus Chicken," which I thought at the time was reminiscent of Ludlum but now I don't know. Is it more like Bradbury? Finally, Phil has changed his mind about the greatest "web" site of all time. It's not the one he said it was before. It is THIS one ("click" here) instead, or so he claims. I think he was right the first time. (Pictured, Ms. Ekberg. Hey, she came up at dinner tonight, too, indirectly! We were talking about her big scene in LA DOLCE VITA, the one in which she traipses around in the fountain with a kitten [not pictured] on her head - but the scene was mentioned in passing, the focus of the comment was the Trevi Fountain itself, and Ms. Ekberg did not really come up, if you want to get technical about it.)

The Vilus Clarification

This is our second "post" (after "The Ekberg Misdirection") with a title that sounds like a Robert Ludlum novel. Kent just wanted everyone to know that he knew that Vilus Bridge's name was Vilus Bridge. When he typed "Vilus Blue," he believes that he must have been thinking subconsciously of Vida Blue, the famed pitcher. Kent remembers Vilus Bridge wearing his Yoda hat. At the time, it recalled to him the image of Brother Jim (Christopher Lloyd, pictured) wearing an "E.T." button on TAXI.

The Ekberg Objection

Wow! Doesn't that sound like the title of a Robert Ludlum novel? Ha ha ha! Where do I come up with this stuff? Amazing! "The Ekberg Objection"! Whoooooo! What a card. Robert Ludlum? Oh boy! Great reference, Pendarvis. You're a marvel. Whoopee! But seriously. McNeil is upset because I didn't weave together every possible thread of coincidence in a recent edition of "McNeil's Movie Korner." I should have mentioned, for the sake of completeness, that Anita Ekberg appeared in both CALL ME BWANA and WAY... WAY OUT. I hope that this clears up any confusion and gives solace to those in distress. Gosh, what a load off my mind. Hey, this is what I do all day long, folks.