Hello, Bizarro!

I am still getting a great big kick out of SUPERGODS by Grant Morrison. At one point he's at a comic book convention, talking to a friend about some problems he's having writing a new Superman comic book. Then suddenly he sees a stranger who is very much like the REAL Superman. Yes, one of many Supermen who have been strolling around the grounds, but somehow this one is different: "the most convincing Superman I've ever seen... It occurred to me that this was exactly how Superman would sit." Morrison and his friend ask Superman a bunch of personal questions, and he answers them the way Superman would. It really helps Morrison get unblocked! Quote: "By choosing to frame my encounter as a pop-shamanic vision quest yielding pure contact with embodied archetypal forces, I got much more out of it than if I'd simply sat there with Dan sniggering at the delusional fool in tights." Now. You remember Bizarro, right? He's the opposite of Superman and lives on the square Bizarro World, where everything is the opposite of here. Okay! So here's the hilarious part. A few years later, Morrison is back at the convention with another friend who is writing a Bizarro comic book. They see a Bizarro! And the friend hopes to have the same kind of mystical encounter that Morrison had, so he invites Bizarro to a party. HE INVITES BIZARRO TO A PARTY! Never invite Bizarro to a party! Bizarro gets drunker and drunker and acts like a jerk... just the way Bizarro would! So Morrison and his friend finally tell the guy that to Bizarro, a "party" would mean being alone. "Other people, in fact, would ruin a party," they argue. Bizarro is convinced! He "marched backward up the stairs, blind drunk, while we all waved and yelled, 'Hello, Bizarro!'" Also hilarious is Morrison's description of a 1949 Batman movie serial in which Batman and Robin "have a thuggish, sozzled, and aggressive air." Morrison compares this Batman to "late-period Dean Martin... With his tousled hair and hooded eyes, his was a grown-up, manly, and possibly alcoholic Batman." This makes me think of my favorite Donald Barthelme story, "The Joker's Greatest Triumph." To quote: "'Press that button on the dashboard,' Batman said. Fredric pressed the button and a panel on the dashboard slid back to reveal a little bar, with ice, glasses, water, soda, quinine, lemons, limes etc." All right! I have given you much to think about. There are some real nuggets in there, I promise! Goodbye!

Old Brainy

After my comments yesterday, I decided it was clearly MY DUTY to flip back and forth between simultaneous episodes of the broadcast television network programs THE GOOD WIFE and PARENTHOOD and present you with my findings. When I first flipped to PARENTHOOD, Lauren Graham was walking around in what appeared to be a warehouse full of shoeboxes, I SWEAR, suggesting ONCE AGAIN that despite its title, PARENTHOOD is about the shoe industry. I could not help but notice, meanwhile, that THE GOOD WIFE employed TWO actors from GILMORE GIRLS, as if to slap PARENTHOOD in the face (Lauren Graham portrayed one of the eponymous "Gilmore Girls")! Logan, the slick and unworthy boyfriend of Rory on GILMORE GIRLS, portrays a slick, unworthy lawyer on THE GOOD WIFE. Lauren Graham's own TV FATHER, Mr. Gilmore, played an attorney on last night's episode as well! This feels like a particularly low blow, breaking up the family AND sourly commenting on the very title of the rival show. Or maybe Edward Hermann just needed a job. Hey, remember when Doyle from GILMORE GIRLS went to work for the MAD MEN and the universe began to fold in on itself? Now the process is practically complete! It turns out that Peggy's cool Greenwich Village friend from MAD MEN (pictured, left) is just an insecure high school kid in the warped Bizarro world of PARENTHOOD. And they are BOTH actually David Mamet's daughter in really real real life for real! That's it, brain! These are the things you need to work on. Pack 'em in tight, brainy! You're going to need this stuff one day.

I Was Thinking About Superman Villains

I think I can use Bizarro Superman to debunk handily what Jonathan Rosenbaum has called the "irrational denial that [Jerry Lewis] was all that popular to begin with." This is what I do with my life! In the previous "post" I "linked" to a comic book cover on which, if you look closely, a Bizarro Superman is proclaiming, "Ha! What Halloween fun we have with my super-dog, Krypto! Us Bizarros scare him with horrible masks of Earth people like President Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe and Jerry Lewis!" Now, if you know anything about Bizarro Supermen, they are the opposite of regular people. They say "hello!" when they mean "goodbye!" for example. They think ugly things are pretty and pretty things are ugly. Get it? So what we are clearly seeing here is that the desirable physical beauty of Jerry Lewis easily rivaled that of JFK and Marilyn. All right. That's settled. You know, the other day I was thinking about the Superman villain Solomon Grundy for some reason. The way I remembered him from childhood, Solomon Grundy wore a raggedy vest or something, exhibited great strength, had a problem speaking proper English, and was monochromatic. "How very like the Incredible Hulk!" I reflected as I lounged about in my cork-lined boudoir like Marcel Proust. Solomon Grundy and the Hulk would really get along, and they both need a pal. We need to get these two together! In my mind's eye, I even saw Solomon Grundy in purple, the Hulk's favorite sartorial choice, though the old pictures of Mr. Grundy on the "internet" show him to favor black or gray - perhaps misprinted as purplish in the cheap comic books of my lost youth? (That's right, blame it on the ink, old man.) He did dress in rags, though that has changed in our strange modern times, according to "Blog" Buddy and comic book villain expert Justin Riley, who reports: "Nowadays, SG rocks a tailored black suit straight from the ill-fated swing revival of the 1990s." I trust Mr. Riley in this matter as his most recent "blog" contribution was about the fashion sense of the Lizard. I think I will put up a picture of Solomon Grundy for you, in defiance of my self-imposed "rules." A quick glance at the "internet" tells me I am the ten-millionth person to waste his life "blogging" about the compatibility of the Hulk and Solomon Grundy but don't forget, there is nothing new on the "internet," as Solomon (NOT Grundy!) told us.

Another Fake Detective Novel

So as you recall, my fake detective novel (I believe a good marketing slogan would be "a fake detective novel about a fake detective") was supposed to come out last August, but it never did, due to shadowy reasons that will never be explained in our lifetime. Well, now I see that the great Robert Coover has a fake detective novel coming out soon! Just one more person whom everyone will think I am copying, assuming my novel ever comes out. The only thing that will save me is my Zac Efron reference, because by the time the novel comes out, Zac Efron will be a withered old man, a marker by which to measure the manuscript's ancient origin. Of course, fake detective novels are not exactly rare. They are sometimes called "literary crime novels," which, as I point out in a recent Oxford American column, just means that the writer wasn't good enough to do the real thing. In the case of Mr. Coover, of course, he is good enough to do anything he wants. So maybe I should really just speak for myself. (Weird! The randomly chosen illustration for this "post" turned out to be the cover for my fake detective novel, which is all that exists of it. I meant to mention the other day that my Jerry Lewis-related "post" was randomly illustrated by a Bizarro Superman dressed as Jerry Lewis, just by coincidence. But there are so many pictures of Jerry Lewis stored in my computer that this happens all the time. Very strange, this latest occurrence, though. Strange and boring.)

A Guide for the Perplexed

The more I think about the prank that the Bizarro Superman disguised as Jerry Lewis is playing on the superdog [WHY??? - ed.] the more confused I become. It appears upon close inspection that the dog is a Bizzaro superdog, meaning that he is the opposite of a regular superdog. I begin with the assumption that a superdog has the same tastes as a regular dog. The more I think of it, a regular dog (AND a superdog) would most likely PREFER a "cold dog" to a "hot dog." Do dogs enjoy piping hot food as a rule? They do not, in my experience. On the Bizarro world, then, I believe it is safe to assume that the dogs would insist that their food be served right out of the oven. This being the case, IS NOT THE BIZARRO SUPERMAN DOING HIS DOG A BIG FAVOR BY USING HIS HEAT VISION TO BROIL THE HOT DOGS IN QUESTION? If so, in what sense is it a "prank"? But maybe on the Bizarro world, pranks are favors! But then... my head hurts. I named this "post" after a work by the great 12th-century thinker Moses Maimonides. Ha ha! That's some of that intellectual humor that everyone enjoys.

Everybody Loves Hot Dogs

Barry B. thinks I should revel in the Abbott and Costello comparison and take it all the way to its logical conclusion. "In your next book," he writes, "you can have a character run into Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman! All in one action packed book!" A great idea, and one that calls for the rare inclusion of a photo that actually has something to do with the "post." Speaking of new images and Halloweenish stuff, Phil sent me this comic book cover (below) showing Bizarro Supermen dressed up like President Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe (!!!) and Jerry Lewis for Halloween. If you don't know what a Bizarro Superman is, I don't have time to tell you. The Bizarro Jerry Superman thinks he is playing a trick on Krypto the Superdog by turning delicious "cold dogs" into terrible "hot dogs" - but the joke is on him, because everybody loves hot dogs!

"Blog"trospective 5: Sandwiches

Welcome to Volume V of "'Blog'trospectives," your handy reference guide to the world of the "blog." Our subject is sandwiches. Please browse the index at your leisure, "clicking" lazily here and there. SANDWICHES: alternating mortadella and roast beef---anchovy and egg---anthropomorphic hot dog licking its lips---as symbolic of something no word can describe---as traditional Labor Day fare---at Bobcat Drive-In---baloney in library parking lot---barbecue with slaw, eaten by Lewis Nordan before running away from home---Bendix, William; juicy hot dog stabbed and inspected by---"Big Easy"---big slice of pork, golden brown---bite of ribeye tucked into a Yorkshire pudding, a---BLT---Bogart, Humphrey; eats a sandwich---board---Boom Boom Chicken---Brooks, Foster, enjoys one with a cup of coffee---burgers; destiny of---butter and sugar---butter and sugar in the works of Whorton, Powell, Morrison, and Lee---catfish, bonus---catfish hot dogs---catfish, very likely ersatz---cheeseburger from Handy Andy's (actually a double cheeseburger)---"Cheeseburger in Paradise"---cheesesteaks, possible---chicken salad---chili burgers---chopped-up hot dogs on a waffle---club named "Club Sandwich"---cocktail franks---cold dogs---cold weenies---condiments potentially misremembered---Coney Island hot dog hoax---connection posited between hypothetical hamburger restaurant and alchemy---construction of hot dog observed---consumed at the 1939-1940 New York World's Fair---creme---Cuban---cucumber, with Lizzie Borden---Dagwood---dancing---dancing sandwiches no laughing matter---De Niro, Robert; and a half-eaten sandwich---diablo---double cheeseburger constructed from two single cheeseburgers---double cheeseburgers the night before Thanksgiving---Dudie burger---during a CHEERS rerun---Eagle Rock hot dogs---Earl of---ease of consumption postulated---eaten in presence of a young man with a walking stick, white clown makeup, derby---egg---falling down with hot dogs---fancifully imagined ham sandwich, a---fancy hot dog place---farewell cheeseburgers---feeding a tuna fish sandwich to a possum---fierce-colored hot dogs---football game hot dog---Francis, Kay; wants a drink, is offered a sandwich instead---Frankenstuffs (sandwich ingredient)---Freeman, Morgan; talk of hamburgers leads to sighting of---Freudian hot dog---fried peanut butter and banana---from Alon's Bakery---Gannon, Bill, and---generous salami---giant freaking hamburger on a pretzel bun---giant hot dog crashes into somebody's house in Wisconsin---"great sandwiches of English literature"---grilled cheese---grilled cheese in a secret bar---Habib's hamburgers (Brasil)---ham on rye---ham sandwich used as example in early 20th-century newspaper article---hamburger delusion---hamburger fetched by a scarecrow---hamburger meat as pink and moist as Mario Batali's forehead---hamburger murder scandal---hamburger, raw---hamburgers with Elliot Gould---head in one hand; sandwich in the other---herring---home hot dog cooker---Host, Jon; burger problem of---hot dog at a Mummenschanz show---hot dog bread pudding---hot dog eaten in someone's apartment, circa 1976---hot dog fed to a possum (attempted)---Hot Dog Island---HOT DOG (kids' show)---hot dog preference of Bizarro superdog---hot dog with lots of mustard displayed and subsequently consumed by Dr. Theresa at Turner Field---hot dogs cooked by "Hot Stuff the Li'l Devil"---hot dogs named after Joe Mantegna characters---hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut in the parking lot of the Clermont Lounge---"Hot Portobello Sub"---hypothetical cheeseburger of Kent Osborne---hypothetical smoked sausage---Ice Cube's pastrami---Impossible Cheeseburger Pie---in the works of Ingmar Bergman---in the works of Ingmar Bergman, Part 2---"International Newspaper Sandwich Award"---Italian beef---Italian beef combo---Ito, Elizabeth; is reminded of the time we ate hot dogs together---Jackie O.'s hot dogs---Jackie O.'s hot dogs (correction)---J.J. Special---Kelly, Grace; eats unidentified sandwich---kid wearing Jughead hat prepares to eat hot dog---lamb sausage made with cherries---leftover Christmas ham and pimento cheese (grilled)---leftover roast---lemongrass-roasted pork po-boy with crawfish---Lobel's hot dogs---Luke makes Lorelai a hamburger shaped like Santa on GILMORE GIRLS---made by Joey Lauren Adams---mail drop facility has name like sandwich shop---man who "can't even fry a hambuger," a---margarine and sugar---marinated chicken sub; discontinuation of---marinated chicken sub; last---"McNeil Month by Month" and---metaphorical hamburger---more chiliburgers---muffaletta---mustard and American cheese---Namath, Joe; eats a stolen sandwich---National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, The---Neutral Milk Hotel plays while I eat a hamburger---no sandwiches on the planet Thanagar---"Olsen sandwich"---on ADVENTURE TIME---on TV---Orange Julius hamburger---Osborne, Kent; eats chicken sandwich during video conference---Osborne, Kent; eats hot dog in Chicago (photo)---"Osborne, The"---Osborne Sandwich mistaken for Pendarvis Sandwich---Ossie's Bar-B-Que and Hamburgers---patty melt, my last---peanut butter in the dark---perfect patty melt---pig ear, thousands of---pimento cheese---Pink's hot dogs---plovers' egg---preference of Harrison Ford for finger sandwiches---prevalence of on "internet"---priest, a; appears while I am waiting for my Osborne Sandwich---Queen's favorite sandwich, the---quest for greatest fast-food hamburger, dimly recalled---rib, with bone---Sandwich, Joe---Saunders, George, eats a corn dog---sausage dog---"Scary Gyros"---sentient---Sheen, Martin; furtively clutches a bag of burgers---Silverstone, Alicia; egg salad sandwiches of---slabs of prime rib as big as terra cotta roof tiles---spies eat sandwiches---split by Bob and Dolores Hope on their first date---Stang's hot dogs---Steak Scrap---square hot dogs---Superman eats like a million hamburgers---Superman roasts hot dogs with his eyes---Superman squats and hunches over as he shovels hamburgers into his mouth---swimming champion in a commercial for---talking hamburgers---tasty-looking burger, a---Taylor, Elizabeth; cooks hot dogs---Thompson, Wright; presence of glows benevolently over sandwich eating---too abundant---treacle on bread---"Tropical Hot Dog Night"---"tubesteak" as another word for hot dog---tuna sandwich remembered to inspire nickname on sitcom---turtle hot dog---Tweety---unprotected---used in international smuggling operations---Varsity chili dogs---Verdell steps on some sandwich meat---Warhol, Andy; claims that Eisenhower bought the queen a ballpark hot dog---Weenie Whirl---wrapped in newsprint---yuzu mayo on a ham sandwich. Thank you. Please don't forget to enjoy our previous "blog"trospectives. Collect them all! Trade with your friends! VOLUME I: Tom Franklin; VOLUME II: Phil Oppenheim; VOLUME III: Movies; VOLUME IV: The Moon.

"Blog"trospective 2: Phil Oppenheim

Oppenheim, Phil - actual words of---all good things stem from---allows tired women to stand---always first---always succinct---announces the death of Soupy Sales---appears several times in the Arnold Stang "blog"trospective---apologizes for maligning Jack Carson---appearance in ill-fated "blog"dex---as cautionary tale for Sarah Marine---as he appeared 12 years ago---as one proof of McNeil's existence---as source of information on INVASION USA---asks a question---attends an Ornette Coleman concert---attends Tyler Perry screening party---awe of upgraded to worship---awesomeness of---Benny, Jack; Phil speculates on the death of---Brownstein, Carrie; neighbor of---bull drinking soda in hometown of---calls McNeil's existence into question---cares about Jack Carter---Carson, Jack; sends driver safety video starring---casts shame on Gilmore Girls---changes mind---changes mind again---"Chiseler" revealed by---churlishness of---city chicken and---clarifies seemingly hurtful statements---concerned about spalling---craziness over oatmeal billboard serves as comparison---crustiness undiminished---debunks three-handed beatnik---"deconstruction" makes him mad---definitely likes where Jonathan Lethem is going with "Omega the Unknown---discovers Plastic Man in Burbank---disillusionment of---disparages Jack Carson---disqualified from Oscar Wilde contest---does job too well---"Eat That Chicken" and---eats a shocking amount of oatmeal---eefing and---emailing Phil about how good Dean and Jerry would have been in STEP BROTHERS---enjoys pie---ennui of---eyeballs of scorched---fancy tastes of---favorite movie revealed---fears the ruination of oatmeal---finds Stephen Leacock "pretty ******* hilarious"---forwards "link" to Superman article---friend of appears in New York Times---further reflections on boyhood eating habits of---gets drunk---greatest triumph of---grousing of---Handelman, Stanley Myron and---HARD-BOILED t-shirt of repurposed as part of quilt---has a Corner Gas t-shirt---has possibly heard of Professor Irwin Corey---has real job---HIPSTER HEGEMONY and---home office of---hopes I'm sitting down---hot Jerry tip of---in tune with the feelings of graduate students---inspires people to check out library books---irrationally continues to insist that McNeil does not exist---issues communique---jerky of---jerky of; source of---keeps tabs on the James Beard Awards---Klinker, Effie; spry libido of and---knowledge of penny-farthings comes in handy - again!---knows what I'm talking about (maybe)---knows what to call those bicycles with a big wheel in front and a little wheel in back---laments the absence of the Quangaroo---likes Mindy Kaling---likes something---loans me his battered paperback of DINO: LIVING HIGH IN THE DIRTY BUSINESS OF DREAMS---LOVE BOAT, THE, and---magazine subscription of---McNeil in awe of---monkey video of depresses me---monster shrimp and---mother dated Marty Ingels and Arnold Stang---mother makes him kasha---names "best page on the internet"---New Orleans video provided by---Nick Fury and---not a mythical creature---not an egghead elitist---not to be outdone---notes that Rory from GILMORE GIRLS loved Dawn Powell---oatmeal cart and---"old-timey books" and---Oscar wrap-up with---Pac-Man entwined with life story in a surprising way---pensiveness of---Phil Oppenheim Fan Club---pigeon "link" and---potential birthday oatmeal of---practices usurpation---prefers sazerac to Pimm's Cup---presents James Whorton, Jr.'s Velvet Suit Theatre---president of the Stang Spotters Club (Eastern chapter)---probably has a "blog"---probably knows what to call that hat with goggles on it---proves that the Fall's opening act sounds like a Fall cover band---puts aside ambivalence---QT dead to---questions cultural imperialism---quotes Clash lyrics---reading chair of---reads books---recommends awesome African music---reiterates---relative worthiness of pie recommendations considered---reminds everyone about Joey Heatherton's birthday---responsible for success of "blog"---ridiculed by underlings---robbed of joy---Robert Walser gives him a headache---role as "Blog" Buddy---role as flunky---Sage of Atlanta, The (nickname)---says a film festival is showing SHIP OF MONSTERS---sees stars---sends a nice article---sends additional pie information---sends along Jerry Lewis's Bavarian cream recipe---sends comic book cover featuring Bizarro Supermen dressed up as JFK, Marilyn, and Jerry Lewis for Halloween---SHAKE HANDS WITH DANGER and---Shelley Berman amongst the greatest things he has ever seen---SHIP OF MONSTERS and---shirt of is older than half the people in this room---Smokey Stover and---soft spot for Gilmore Girls---something else makes me think of that oatmeal billboard he hates so much---Sommer, Elke, makes day of---spends Mardi Gras in Atlanta---still likes pie---sums up own legacy---tells me about Jerry Lewis wanting to smack Lindsay Lohan in the mouth---tells me Jerry Lewis died---tells of a cantor's influence on Ornette Coleman---tempers his highbrow Strindberg reference---tendency to gasp with delight---threats of---TWISTER'S REVENGE and---underlying sweetness of---use of the word "twee"---wants everyone to know that Larry King is on Twitter---Weegee and---Whorton, James, Jr. and share musical tastes---wife of posits Lenny and the Squigtones as ideological forerunners of Spinal Tap---Williams, Hank Jr. and---work ethic of---would appreciate GERSHWIN: HIS LIFE AND WORK by Howard Pollack---would know which is Olsen and which is Johnson. Also enjoy our PREVIOUS "BLOG"TROSPECTIVE on TOM FRANKLIN.