Thursday, February 24, 2011


So I was telling my class of "grad students" about the time I talked to Jerry Lewis on the phone. Wait! There was a good reason to mention that in class: we are studying Dean Martin. Wait! There is a good reason for that too, so shut up. I told them that this was back in the days when PULP FICTION had just come out, and I was working at TBS, and I was all, "This Tarantino kid's gonna make a name for himself, I tell ya!" and I decided it would be great to have a day of Jerry Lewis movies on TBS with Quentin Tarantino and Jerry Lewis hosting them together, because my wouldn't the sparks fly and so on. And one of my students was like, "They got together recently." And I was like, "WHAT? No they didn't!" I was like, "I bet they were all, 'Hey, remember the time Jack tried to get us together? He was right all along! Why didn't we listen? Why don't we ever listen to Jack?'" So then my student - his name is Bill and his wife is my friend who works for the Audubon Society! - sent me a "link" on facebook all about Quentin Tarantino presenting Jerry Lewis with this special bust of Jerry at the Friars' Club (above), and now I want to break into the Friars' Club and steal this bust of Jerry Lewis with the help of a team of unlikely misfits, each possessing a unique and unexpected talent necessary to pull off one last heist before retiring. I typed as much into the facebook, and my student replied that the heist should count as our final exam. GREAT IDEA! Of course I would never steal anything, especially from the Friars' Club, where so many scenes in MR. SATURDAY NIGHT were shot. But that heist would make a great movie, for which I just wrote the screenplay in between typing this "post," and I call it BUSTED! (You know, I was once invited to the Friars' Club by a guy who was Carrot Top's publicist - I think that was his position in the Carrot Top organization - and he also represented that guy who made noises with his mouth for a living [not Charlie Callas, the other one]. But the main thing was that this guy was writing the AUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY of Harry Ritz, which I fully realize means NOTHING to you, so shut up. Well, I never got to go, so there was no "casing the joint.") Scott Phillips was monitoring this discussion via facebook and decided that once "we" steal the bust (yes, he has invited himself along, and I happily accept the notion!) we turn it into one of those busts with a secret button inside, like Batman used to enjoy, and Scott even provided instructions on how to build one. Finally, it looks like Jerry's good friend Richard Belzer was at the big unveiling, too, so my "two degrees of Belzer" might really pay off when it comes time to pull the job, which of course I'm never going to do, it's all in my wonderful imagination, ha ha ha, in no way am I a crazy person. Thank you for your time and attention and a very pleasant evening to you all.