Jack's News Roundup

Sometimes people send me "links" to news articles they think I will be interested in. And they are always right! McNeil sent me this article about a recent Jerry Lewis appearance at the Friars Club. My brother-in-law David sent me an article about how they're trying to preserve the spirit of Manuel's Tavern EVEN AS THEY DESTROY IT (I remain skeptical; they keep talking about cleaning the dust off of stuff! I don't approve). I would just add that in a review of Elvis Costello's new autobiography in today's New York Times, EC describes Jerry Lewis as "appealing." In other news, we watched a ghost movie called WE ARE STILL HERE for our Halloween Film Festival. This means that ghost movies account for a whopping 60% of this year's Halloween movies. I didn't check my math. But statistics don't lie! Truly 2015 is The Year of the Ghost. Ghosts are making a real comeback! Get it? Because they're dead and then they come back. Let's hear it for the can-do "spirit" of ghosts! In conclusion, this is a picture of me having dinner with Elvis Costello that I just happen to have lying around.

Rickles Hunches

You know, sometimes I watch a TV show at night and the next morning I go to a "news" or "entertainment" "web" site and read a (by necessity) hastily written summary of the very same show I just watched myself, and that summary is called a "recap." Why do I read such things? It seems an unflattering thing to do to myself, psychologically. And I nearly always think, "Donald Barthelme invented this form!" And then I think, "Who cares?" And I also think, "Someone else has made this point, certainly." And then I think, "Is it really a point?" But the Donald Barthelme piece ("And Now Let's Hear it for The Ed Sullivan Show!") is hilarious. "Ed stands there. He looks great. Not unlike an older, heavier Paul Newman. Sways a little from side to side. Gary Lewis and the Playboys have just got off. Very strong act. Ed clasps hands together. He's introducing somebody in the audience. Who is it? Ed points with his left arm. 'Broken every house record at the Copa,' Ed says of the man he's introducing. Who is it? It's... Don Rickles! Rickles stands up. Eyes glint. Applause. 'I'm gonna make a big man out of you,' Ed says. Rickles hunches a shoulder combatively. Eyes glint. Applause." And then it goes on for about six pages, just a summary of the Ed Sullivan show ("Carlin is wearing a white turtleneck, dark sideburns"), including commercials, sometimes reflecting (like a "recap") the narrator's personal opinions ("Ed brings on Doodletown Pipers, singing group. Great-looking girls in tiny skirts. Great-looking legs on girls. They sing something about 'I hear the laughter' and 'the sound of the future.' Phrasing is excellent, attack excellent"), and ending (with an almost alarming, almost brutal detachment), "The Ed Sullivan Show is over. It has stopped." Can you believe I tried to teach this in a "humor class" once? I am sure the kids were like, "What is this?" They were like, "What's Ed Sullivan?" They were like, "So what?" They believed, "This is normal." And I was like, "Whatever." And I still am.

Why Pie Cry

Now I will tell you about the rest of that Red Skelton sad clown movie. Are you excited? Like, remember when I told you that he had a job attacking people at an amusement park with a cattle prod? Okay, well, one guy got kind of mad about it. So Red Skelton's boss comes out and says to Red Skelton, "Hey, we run a family place here!" He's mad at Red Skelton! Even though HE'S the one who hired Red Skelton to attack the customers with a cattle prod. It's a strange business, being a threatening clown. So Red Skelton gets fired. For doing his job too well, I guess. Next he gets a job being a "receiver." That sounds bad! He says, "Don't let my kid see this." So he sits there while a guy gives him an exploding cigar and smashes butter on him and hits him in the face with a couple of pies. And his kid sees it! And silently weeps! Ha ha ha! Doesn't this kid - whose name is Dink (!) - know what a clown does for a living? He's been living with a clown his whole life. The weirdest part of that scene is that Red Skelton gives no reaction whatsoever as the guy assaults him with pies and so on. I mean, he doesn't move a muscle. Put some effort into it, clown! Half the fun of the old pie in the face is the hilarious reaction of the "receiver." I mean, even if you're going to be deadpan about it, you have to be deadpan in a funny way. Like, I don't know, stoically and with economical motions wipe the pie out of your eyes, one at a time. Oh well. And the kid is just crying while his dad gets hit in the face with pies. I forgot to mention he's not just a sad clown he's a drunk clown and a clown with a gambling problem. Charles Bronson (!!) wins all of Red Skelton's money in an all-night dice game and Red Skelton picks his sleeping kid's pocket for a gold watch that means the world to him. I also forgot to say he sent his kid to sleep in the backseat of a random stranger's car! (Remember, now, at the end of the movie, Jane Greer says, "You did a great job raising him, Dodo.") I'll tell you who I liked: Little Julie, a shady operator who does his business out of a diner booth. "Step into my office," he says with self-loathing and also regular loathing. He organizes what Megan Abbott would probably - probably? does! I've heard her! - call "smokers" - smokers with racy entertainment! This guy has a touch of authentic sleaze. The actor's name is Lou Lubin. Let's hear it for Lou Lubin (pictured)! He gets Red Skelton a shameful gig where he has to tell the 1953 version of dirty jokes while ladies take off their clothes. At the end Red Skelton dies from clowning too much. For real! And I skipped over some surprisingly brutal moments like when Red Skelton smashes a pane of glass with his fist and then starts hitting the wall and screaming. That is one sad clown. Okay, bye!

Moth, Fork and Leg News

Last night while I was eating with my favorite fork, Forky, it suddenly struck me that my fork must be at least 50 years old. I turned it over and noted the stamp that proclaims it "stainless steel." Let's hear it for forks, a durable tool in this age of passing fancies. In other news, I just picked up a couple of bagels to go and as I was walking back home a moth alighted on the uppermost styrofoam box and rode along for a block before taking flight again. Oh ho ho ho, I thought whimsically, a moth taxi. Gee, I thought. Then Jimmy came over and we discussed the problems our short legs have caused us over the years. "It's hard to buy pants for you," Dr. Theresa volunteered.

The Wire

Remember the piece of wire that has been holding my eyeglasses together since June 7, 2008? Well, today it came loose. I unwound it then wrapped it back around the necessary spot, and now it's working better than ever! Same piece of wire! First adjustment it has ever needed. This piece of wire just won't quit. Let's hear it for the piece of wire.

Let's Hear It For Gout

Is gout making a comeback? I just saw a commercial for gout medicine - also a candy commercial in which these pieces of candy were working at a candy factory, which upset me.

A Cithern Is a Thing

Our friend from Hubcap City typed "cither." I was like, "Huh?" I was like, "Does he mean zither?" But then I found something called a cithern in my dictionary. So I added the last letter when I transcribed his email for the previous "post," though that was presumptuous. Because if he had typed "cithern" I would have been like, "Huh?" also. Because I never heard of a cithern until just now. How about you? Are you a big cithern fan? I don't know if that's right: cithern. Maybe my friend's copy of THE REPUBLIC said "cither." Maybe that used to be a thing. Maybe it still is. I don't know anything. I just sit around typing. But here, here's a picture of a cithern so you can see that it's a thing. I am sick of my random picture rule. I don't know why I even pretend to honor it. Isn't a picture of a cithern more helpful and fun? Let's hear it for education! Education teaches us things. And it's all thanks to citherns.

Give It Up For Clothespins

Clothespins come in handy - sometimes when you least expect it. Every once in a while, there's a job best suited for a clothespin. It might be anything. And when such an occasion arises, you'll be glad you kept a few clothespins lying around just in case. Time has passed the clothespin by in so many ways, but it's still here for us. Let's hear it for the helpful clothespin! Steadfast, uncomplaining clothespin! Clothespin!

Let's Hear It For the Incredible Shrinking Man

Just watched THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN. It was great! And the ending - spoiler alert - was mystical, no kidding! DON'T READ THIS UNTIL YOU SEE THE MOVIE. I don't want to ruin it for you. But here's the thing guaranteed to blow your mind. The climax occurs when the hero concludes that "the unbelievably small and the unbelievably vast eventually meet like the closing of a gigantic circle." And then he becomes - I'm not kidding, this is a huge spoiler alert - "nothing"! Yet he "still exists." Mystical, like I said. That's some kind of crazy Nicolas of Cusa stuff they're laying down, you know what I mean? And it connects with some observations on bigness and smallness in the fiction of Flann O'Brien and myself (ha ha! I mentioned myself and Flann O'Brien in the same sentence... again!) that I have "blogged" about before. I was thinking about THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN because there was a short clip of it on the TV show MONK the other night... and a few days later I noticed a thoughtful, perceptive essay about the film on the TCM movie "blog." So I decided to rent it. I hadn't seen it since childhood, but I still remembered the scene with the spider looming over the poor guy, who's defending himself with a pin. The script is great, the direction is great, the production design and sound effects are great, the movie is suspenseful, unpredictable in its moods and motives, ingeniously constructed, and even moving. Speaking of the direction, it made me ashamed of the "blog's" formerly dismissive attitude toward Jack Arnold. So what if he made A GLOBAL AFFAIR and some other strictly workmanlike pieces? I'll never smirk at Jack Arnold again. He also directed CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, one of my favorite monster movies. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, ghost of Jack Arnold! Maybe in the future I'll keep my big gob shut.

Let's Hear It For Periodicals

I have an hour to kill between the classes I "teach." I like to kill it in the library. Periodicals are great! Today I perused the JOURNAL OF SEDIMENTARY RESEARCH, THE PAN-PACIFIC ENTOMOLOGIST, the BULLETIN OF THE MARYLAND HERPETOLOGICAL SOCIETY, and THE HERPETOLOGICAL JOURNAL. The cover of the latter showed a close-up of a couple of snakes' heads looking loving and cozy and cuddled up. They appeared to be smiling! I do not, as a rule, find snakes "cute." But for these snakes I make an exception! Kudos to the photographer for THE HERPETOLOGICAL JOURNAL. From the inside cover I learned that these snakes were "Slow-worms," or, in science talk, "Anguis fragilis." This made me worry about the snakes! Their name contains hints of anguish and fragility! And their happy smiles and friendly snuggling attained a certain pathos in retrospect! So I went upstairs to the third floor and gazed at Faulkner's Nobel prize, which is up there in a glass case, and on the other side of the case rests his medal from the French Legion of Honor (a decoration Faulkner shares with Jerry Lewis). It's fun to go to the library! And because it is Halloween, I will mention that in the meticulously curated sidebar of Maud Newton, I found a "link" to this "post" about haunted libraries. POSTSCRIPT: I have learned from the "internet" that "Slow-worms" are not snakes at all, but (Halloweenishly appropriate) "legless lizards." So I guess I still don't think snakes are "cute," but apparently "legless lizards" are. And now I am even more worried about their tender well-being in this cruel world. POST-POSTSCRIPT: I couldn't find a "Google Image" of the cover with the smiling legless lizards, but these scientific periodicals (above) should tide you over.

Ice!

Ice is useful in a variety of capacities. Let's hear it for ice.

Socks!

Socks are great. They really do the job for which they were intended. Come on, everybody, let's hear it for socks!

What We Leave Out

The "blog" is positive. That's why I can't really tell you about the Dean Martin movie that Theresa and I watched the night before last, a film in which it seemed, in Theresa's memorable analysis, that "the screenwriter had malaria." I can tell you, however, that Theresa and I made up for the experience by watching Martin and Lewis in SCARED STIFF last night, co-starring the always compelling Lizabeth Scott (you may know her from the Dick Powell classic THE PITFALL). Let's hear it for Lizabeth Scott (pictured), always someone positive upon whom to concentrate! And let's hear it for my torturous, if technically correct, syntax! All this leads me to confess something. For several weeks now, I have been withholding a cigarette holder sighting of the kind that I have vowed in good faith to apprise you of without fail. There were several gentlemen with cigarette holders in a DVD I saw recently. It was one of those plays that have been transposed to the screen direct from the stage. But it was filmed in close-up for no apparent reason, so that the waxen, caky, hideous, sweat-leaking rouge, etc., lit as blindingly as a grocery store, distracted wholly from the content. I could think of nothing positive to say about it. But that's no excuse for backing out of my solemn vow. Let's lay all our cards on the table and start the New Year right!

TV Trays

Theresa and I invested in some TV trays a year or two ago. They've come in quite handy, I must say. Let's hear it for TV trays!