Literary Matters

Oh, so what? I feel like wallowing in some literary matters. 1. Look at this sweet woman's author photo! I had to buy her book. Here's the story. When I was working on my cigarette lighter book I came upon the "hobbies" section at that used book stall I like, and I found a lot of useful sources. This book wasn't "useful." So I snubbed it. I snubbed it just yesterday! But then I fretted about it all night. It's about something called "Fairy Lamps." In fact it is called FAIRY LAMPS: EVENING'S GLOW OF YESTERYEAR. In the acknowledgments, the author says, "I especially thank Mrs. Pearl Darling." Come on! There is someone named Mrs. Pearl Darling. One chapter is called

"The Infinite Variety of Fairy Lamps." Here's a caption: "Three faced Fairy Lamp for use in a nursery. Faces of cat, dog and owl have conventional glass eyes. Mark on the bottom of base is KPM for Konigliche Porzellan Manufaktur. A rarity from the collection of Mrs. Darling." That's a good caption! I feel relieved that I finally have FAIRY LAMPS: EVENING'S GLOW OF YESTERYEAR. I passed it by so many times. There's actually another copy still over there if you want to run get it. The cover's torn. I got the good one. I bought this book today when I met Melissa Ginsburg for lunch. When Melissa and I were walking back to the square, we could not help but notice that there is a new store that sells nothing but olive oil. We went in. A young woman working on an olive-oil commission rushed at us! I do not blame her. She was doing her job as instructed by her so-called "superiors." She asked us eagerly, "Have you ever been in a store like this before?" I said, "I've been in a... store before." I was uncomfortable and my shifty reply was dismissive and rude. The hard sell made me nervous! But that's no excuse. 2. I told Ward McCarthy about my William McKinley book. Ward wrote back, "Not to freak you out, but I actually own a copy of that McKinley book, too. Bought it at a used bookstore in Massachusetts in the 70s." I should have known! 3. Shana and Kerri secretly left us a bag of candy in our mailbox on the way out of town. That's not the literary part. I had remarked the previous day on my fondness for this candy that Shana had in her car. I had never tried it before. It's a strange dark green color and each piece looks, as I said at the time, like a button off a 1970s sofa. Here's the thing! AND I DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS. Shana said that the door to the cottage behind Faulkner's house was unlocked. Now, look. I don't think anybody is supposed to go in there. DON'T DO IT! But Shana and Kerri went in there and took a picture of what was on the wall.

Here it is. I don't know the story behind it. The house is where Callie Barr lived. She was the basis of the character Dilsey from THE SOUND AND THE FURY, I believe. 4. When Caroline got back home she was going through some old computer stuff and found some pictures of her and Dr. Theresa and Bill Taft and me celebrating on the night I sold my first book! This must have been 2004. Here we are.

That's Dr. Theresa and Bill and me. I wish Caroline could have been in the picture too. As I recall, we (I) became so rowdy that I slammed a glass of anisette onto the table with enough happy gusto to break it (the glass) into a million trillion pieces, which I did.

Chandelier Hat

I was kissing everybody on the cheek. Everybody in town! I kissed Bill Taft on the cheek. "Punk rock!" he exclaimed in response. (I finally understood the time Barry Mills kissed everybody in New York City, did I ever tell you about that? I think he wrote a song about it that went "Come here, girl, I'm gonna kiss you/ Hey there, boy, I'll kiss you too") Indulge me. Or don't. I'm just trying to remember why I was so happy for the past few days. This "blog" now works as my substitute memory. You're free to go. Bill and Caroline and Will came to town. Look! Bill Boyle took this picture of Bill and Will playing at the Powerhouse while Caroline sits ready to spring to the poetry podium and read some poetry. Caroline read some poems about the time the awful tornado tore through Cabbagetown. And guess what? Shana came all the way from Atlanta just to hear it. And guess what else! Last time Shana visited we were sitting on the balcony of City Grocery Bar and she started getting a million texts because THAT WAS THE NIGHT THE AWFUL TORNADO TORE THROUGH CABBAGETOWN.

Shana came back for some of that emotion recollected in tranquility you always hear about. Here's Caroline laying down some poetry on the people, photo by Kevin from the Isom Center. Caroline! A benevolent being who appears whenever she is needed! Whether you know it or not! Why, she appeared in Ohio (was it Ohio?) in a hotel room with Bill Taft and Kelly Hogan and me and the band They Might Be Giants. Did I know Caroline at all? In any case, my extensive knowledge of THE BRADY BUNCH (much to the annoyance of They Might Be Giants, as Caroline and I choose to remember it) stuck in her mind and led Caroline, eventually, to get me my first job that a human adult would have. And she has led me from milestone to milestone ever since... introducing me to Dr. Theresa, for example, as I have repeated several times. IT BEARS REPEATING. (Late addendum: I just now recalled - I think - that the very first time I met Caroline, she was Kelly Hogan's next-door neighbor and Kelly and I were out in the gravelly yard drinking wine from her grandmother's red Jell-O glasses; Caroline and her boyfriend were returning - why do I remember this? - from some unwanted and socially enforced visit to a gimmicky restaurant owned by some reactionary Georgia politician, can that be true?) The night before the music and poetry show, Dr. Theresa and I took Bill and Will and Caroline out to dinner and the restaurant was dark and everybody was holding up the menus to their eyes and moving the atmospheric candle around because we're all old now and Caroline had the idea for a chandelier that is also a hat. Or a hat that is also a chandelier? It sounded like a great idea at the time. Before the Powerhouse show Bill and Will played on the Thacker Mountain Radio show, our live local weekly fun fest. Introducing one song, Bill said that when he read Hamlet as a youngster he thought Hamlet was a real cool guy, but now that he's a dad, he really understands Claudius! "A middle-aged man trying to get things done," Bill said, but not exactly. Bill said it better. I sat next to Melissa Ginsburg! SHE HAD JUST SOLD HER FIRST NOVEL THAT VERY DAY. It's a thriller! I think this is okay to "announce." I think everybody knows. Melissa can write poetry AND thrillers! An enchantress she is! She liked Bill so much she wanted me to make her a mix tape of the awesome Atlanta music of my callow young adulthood. Okay, I was in my 30s. I was a late bloomer for callow young adulthood. Melissa and I slipped out and had a drink to celebrate. A twin celebration! Because also on that very same day I had sent off my cigarette lighter book to my editor.

Finished! Until I get notes. NO MORE THINKING ABOUT CIGARETTE LIGHTERS ALL DAY EVERY DAY. After the poetry and music it was back to City Grocery Bar. Shana came along with her friend Kerri, who has an extremely detailed tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her arm! Needless to say, we became fast friends. The next morning I was sitting with Bill and Will at Big Bad Breakfast and Jill, who runs the place, came up to say hello, and there was a nice "Bill and Will this is Jill" moment. Then Shana and Kerri popped in! Will's macaroni and cheese looked so good they had to get a couple of side orders. Kerri told me about how she developed her first-ever crush, and it was Burt Reynolds,

and it happened when she was four years old and saw SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT. Then she had a dream, the first dream she can ever remember having, and in the dream Burt Reynolds kidnapped her in the car from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. But it was pleasant! In the dream. Sadly, Bill and Will had to hit the road (Caroline had vanished like a dewdrop - yes, let's say dewdrop! - early in the morning) but Shana and Kerri were up for anything! I took them across the parking lot to that used book stall I like. Below is a "selfie" of Shana and Kerri. Shana found an old red-and-white checked cookbook with a recipe for "Cinnamon Prunes"! And the previous owner had left little scraps of papers in the book with notes written on them.

Always a bonus! Shana and Bill and Caroline are the kind of friends that are FRIENDS FOR LIFE, even though I never keep in touch with anybody because I'm the worst. I mean, you see them, and all the love in your heart comes flooding out. I'm not leaving Will out! We never hung out with him quite as much, though he is fine and good and endlessly creative and interesting and someone we love knowing. He keeps his own counsel. Or maybe we do! Somebody's keeping it somewhere. SIDENOTE: I realize that I romanticize the past. My friends are unbelievably tough people who weathered unbelievably tough times. END SIDENOTE. Will walked through the woods near Faulkner's house holding a bowl of lima beans from the Oxford Canteen and made up a funny story we almost believed about a bear being attracted by the aroma. I found this used book:

As you can see, the front and back covers must have come off at some point, so they are held in place by silver tape. But other than that, the book is in fine condition. It has that severe polite formality I so enjoy: "When the President fell into the arms of Detective Geary he coolly asked: 'Am I shot?'" Geary unbuttoned the President's vest, and, seeing blood, replied: 'I fear you are, Mr. President.'" The book is, as the title page promises, "Superbly Illustrated." Here are some lovely photos of Mrs. McKinley, the former Ida Saxton. Now I'm not saying she's any Frances Cleveland! But in the bottom right photo, doesn't she look like Gaby Hoffman's character on GIRLS?

And of course the book is filled with fascinating, uh, what's the word for it? When you reveal stuff without meaning to, like a Browning character? For example, the bodyguards pay no attention to the actual assassin because they are busy checking out an "Italian, whose dark, shaggy brows and black mustache caused the professional protectors to regard him with suspicion." Talk about profiling! Eyebrow profiling! And see where that gets you. After the books, Shana and Kerri and I went to The End of All Music, which they were more than taken with. They were ecstatic! They kept saying, "We should move here!" Lots of people say that. Dr. Theresa and I used to say it. I'd be happy if Bill and Caroline and Will and Shana and Kerri moved here. But then what? You have to ask yourself. What happens to the magic? And just yesterday the dopes who can do such things suddenly dumped our fine, progressive university chancellor for their own shady reasons. What if Shana and Kerri and Bill and Caroline and Will come back and have to search for us in a dystopian wasteland?

Second Orangutan

"Hey! I just 'blogged' about an orangutan yesterday!" Such was the giddy thought that reverberated through my very soul as I finally had a chance to return to THE LOVE OF THE LAST TYCOON today. There is a scene in the novel in which the last tycoon speaks by telephone to a talking orangutan (!) who is also a double of President William McKinley (!!). Seldom has the phrase "I did not see that coming" been more accurate.

A Piece of Glass, a Redwood Tree

So Kelly Hogan put the funky theme song to the kids show VEGETABLE SOUP on her twitter the other day ("click" here to hear it). And that made me think of this other show I used to watch as a kid. It was called MAKE A WISH, and as you can discover by "clicking" here, the host, constantly checking his guitar frets, advises in the opening theme, "a piece of glass, a redwood tree, anything you wanna be, that's what you're gonna be!" That's really the way we thought then. And just to prove his point, he flies away! (See also.) And now I am remembering how another calm, psychedelic kids show theme ("click" here) freaked me out a little bit with its insistence that "the world's a big blue marble when you see it from out there." OUT WHERE? WHERE AM I? THE ENDLESS ABYSS? And then kids are knocking a marble around. Hey, that's the EARTH! It's NOTHING! It could just disappear at any moment! Or some smaller planet could crash into it and knock it out of the solar system! Like a marble! Which was not the point at all. Speaking of no point, I know you are not "clicking" on these "links" and I forgive you. "Blogspot" has now given me the capability to see how many times people have "clicked" on any particular "link" and NO ONE HAS EVER LOOKED AT THIS "POST" about how President William McKinley used to throw a napkin over his wife's face whenever she had a seizure at a state dinner! For shame!

James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium! ... And More!

Welcome to a special edition of James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!, in which James Whorton, Jr. has even more to talk about than C-Span! Curiously, this episode of C-Spandemonium was not initiated by Mr. Whorton. I got a call from McNeil the other day, asking me to hurry up and turn on C-Span. "It's FANTASTIC! It's A ZOO!" he screamed into the receiver, titillated by the sight of politics in action as exemplified by the Democratic rules committee. "They'll probably rerun it later," I said. "I'll watch it then." And I was right. It got me to wondering if old Whorton had watched the event on C-Span as well, so I emailed him. He wrote back promptly: "I did watch the rules committee on C-Span! I decided we need a new word in English, an adjective to describe something that is both riveting and tedious. Rivetous? I think someone can do better, though. Come up with a better word, I mean." Whorton went on to praise a particular aspect of one of my recent "posts": "Way to keep the 3rd commandment, Jack!" he exulted. Whorton had CNN tuned in as he was typing, and something caught his attention (I quote): "CNN is on and a woman just said 'I gotta tell ya' twice in ten seconds! Update: 3 times in 60 seconds!" [Note: This reminds us of the way Bob Hope used to say "I wanna tell ya" all the time. But Bob knew what he was doing, unlike the poor woman on CNN, apparently. Dick Cavett reflects upon this phenomenon (as it relates to Bob) and the performative reasons behind it, in the May-June 1979 issue of FILM COMMENT, of which I'm sure you have a copy. I got mine for $2. The best two bucks I ever spent! There's also a great interview with Bob on the occasion of a Lincoln Center tribute overseen by Woody Allen and a long article by Harry Shearer from backstage at the Jerry Lewis telethon! Old Harry doesn't seem to enjoy Jerry the way I do, but to each his own! Live and let live I always say! Sorry: that "I wanna tell ya," sent me off on a little trip. Later I'll look up "performative." Like "trope," I stole it from Theresa but (unlike Theresa) have never put much thought behind either term. - ed.] Finally, Whorton recommended a "web" site on which to hear awesome African music, little realizing that "blog" music correspondent Phil recommended the exact same "web" site in a "post" long ago. This is the kind of reinforcement we like! If both Phil and Whorton recommend it, you KNOW it's good! That's the "blog" guarantee. Whorton - who is interested in presidents, as loyal readers, if any exist, may know - signed off with a "link" to "Funky President," a song written by James Brown about Gerald Ford. We hope Mr. Ward will avail himself of the "link," and if he knows of any other good songs about presidents - not counting that one about William McKinley - perhaps will be kind enough to include them in the next edition of "Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner."

How I Plan to Keep My Stranglehold on the Youth Market

Stubby Kaye! Fred Ott! Wheeler & Woolsey! Gilbert & Sullivan! Brian Lamb! Stephen Leacock! John Qualen! William McKinley! Carol Lynley! Marty Ingels! And did you know that Alban Berg was killed by an insect bite? I ran across that little tidbit the other night in READER'S BLOCK by David Markson. It's the kind of thing I think about a lot. A lot! (Remember the fate of Allan Pinkerton, kids? You know you do!) Pictured, Marty Ingels, the cartoon voice of Pac-Man.

Class the Joint Up

Here's what I'm thinking. It looks like some NPR fans may be dropping by this "blog" soon, for reasons I have recently discussed. Aren't they going to be disappointed when they figure out that all I talk about is stuff like THIS? And what's THAT? So I thought I would include something up here, at the top of the page, that has "links" to some of the classier "posts" and subjects of the "blog." For example, how about the opera DAPHNE? What else? Oh yeah, the time I went to an art show and saw the squashed rats in the glass brick. And when I watched a famous intellectual on TV. And how about the assassination of William McKinley? I think that covers it. (Pictured, a classy statue from olden times.)

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 4

Yes, I know I have sworn off "blogging" for the "rest of June." But something unusual has happened: the transmission of a new edition of Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner IN PERSON! And I have to write it down before I forget. Okay. First, on Wednesday evening in NYC, I was happy to participate in Amanda Stern's reading series down on Broome St. There is always a musician involved - in this case, a Mr. Jamie Barnes, hailing from Kentucky, who introduced one of his songs by announcing that it was "about the assassination of William McKinley." I had lunch with Mr. Ward the next day (he works in the city) and told him about the song. You know how he loves his presidents! So Mr. Ward said, "I bet it had this line in it: 'Be careful how you tell her.'" I was astonished! I said, "Yes, I believe that was the first line of the song. How did you know?" And Mr. Ward explained that President McKinley said as much after he was shot, referring to his wife, who was prone to seizures. Then Mr. Ward went on to tell me that sometimes, in the middle of a state dinner, Mrs. McKinley would have a seizure and the President would reach over and place a napkin over her head! The purpose was to keep people from being distracted by her contorted features! But it seems to me that a napkin over her head would be something else to notice. Then again, I am not the President of the United States!

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner

We are proud to present what we hope will be a new and vibrant regular feature to the "blog": Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner. Mr. Ward, as a child, memorized every fact there is about U.S. Presidents and Vice-Presidents, and he retains it all today. He is, perhaps, rivaled by our ex-boss Lisa when it comes to knowledge of Abraham Lincoln (we should also mention Jim Whorton's obvious interest in Truman and Nixon, and his novel FRANKLAND, which deals in part with Andrew Johnson) but otherwise, Mr. Ward is the acknowledged champ. Just ask him about Franklin Pierce if you don't believe me (I'll warn you right now it's a sad story). Well, in our first edition of Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner, we give you audio recordings of Presidents Taft and McKinley unearthed by Mr. Ward. It is Mr. Ward's contention that President Taft has a surprisingly good voice, like a 50s or 60s TV or radio announcer, while McKinley (again, in Mr. Ward's opinion) sounds like Jon Lovitz as the Master Thespian.