Hey!

As I'm sure you saw coming, the latest Million Dollar Book Club selection is the DIARY of Witold Gombrowicz. "Hey!" I hear you objecting. "Hey! Hey there! Listen to me! Hey! Isn't, by your own admission, the purlieu, if you will, of the Million Dollar Book Club the so-called 'celebrity tell-all'? And, if so, how do you figure Witold Gombrowicz fits in? How do you figure THAT, my good sir?" That's a great question, and I'm not going to answer it. I will say that the solution of the puzzle resides in the fact that I have no money. It stems from that. I can elaborate no further at this time. "Hey!" There you go again. "Hey! Isn't it 'ironic,' if that is the right word, for a member of the so-called 'Million Dollar Book Club' to have no money?" Well, maybe. Do you know what that reminds me of for some reason? Now, this is gettiing far afield, speaking of purlieus, of what I wanted to tell you about the diary of Witold Gombrowicz. But you know what? A distinct advantage of being broke and unemployed is how much time you have to ramble incoherently about whatever you want. So, as I was saying, your question somehow puts me in mind of... well, to explain it, we have to go back in time to when I was in the hospital and Tom Franklin brought me a bunch of old comic books to cheer me up. And after that, I was buying old comic books for myself, at least for a little while, and there was one comic book from my youth that it took me some time to track down, because I couldn't recall the name of it, nor of the characters within it. But I kept seeing flashes of the cover in my mind. And at last I figured out that I was thinking of something called "The Green Team," some adventurers who were "boy millionaires," just to show you how the insidious, curdled influence of the loathsome Richie Rich wormed its way even into the halls of the noble DC Comics corporation. And, the way I remembered it, there was one "boy millionaire" who kind of got into the club under the wire, on a technicality. So that's what I was reminded of. But the thing I wanted to tell you about the diary (or DIARY) of Witold Gombrowicz is that within it... and this is a first! Hold onto your hats!... within it, old Witold is reading the diary of Franz Kafka... itself a former Million Dollar Book Club selection! You heard right. For the first time, the subject of a Million Dollar Book Club selection is reading a different Million Dollar Book Club selection! I don't have to explain the cosmic repercussions to you, do I? Because I have time.

Hoot Owls of East Tupelo

There are hoot owls in ELVIS AND GLADYS, Elaine Dundy's book about Elvis Presley and his mother, one of an endless series of celebrity biographies that Megan Abbott and I are reading together (see also), but I don't tell you about all of them because some of them don't have owls in them. In a footnote, Dundy finds it interesting that both Elvis and Marilyn Monroe had mothers named Gladys, which reminded me, although I've never seen it, of an infamous scene in BATMAN V SUPERMAN, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, that's fine. Okay, I guess Batman stops fighting Superman because he finds out they both have moms named Martha. Not that Elvis and Marilyn were ever engaged in some kind of cosmic battle (that I know of) but I would watch that movie.

Owls, Monkeys and Oysters

I must say I was not surprised at all to run across owls on page 100 of THE VULGAR TONGUE: GREEN'S HISTORY OF SLANG. In the 17th century, women who worked in a brothel were called, among other things, "owls, monkeys and oysters." On another subject entirely - ENTIRELY! - I received a copy of ADVENTURE TIME: THE ART OF OOO from its publisher. I flipped it open and happened to find this quotation from Pen: "One day I walked into Adam's office and saw some doodles on his desk; one of them was of these two overlapping ovals that he had made into eyes, and the body around it was a screaming fat owl with stars in its wings..." This is the origin of the Cosmic Owl, the inspiration for which is revealed later in Pen's comments to come from the way "the light hits one of the urinals" in a men's room at Cartoon Network: "it bounces off and casts this mystical face on the wall in front of you - just starin' at ya." But here's the thing! The other day I caught the last part of the movie 2001 on TCM and I saw the Cosmic Owl! It's in the part where the astronaut is going to crazy land, you know. Here's the frame (above). I'm telling you, it's the Cosmic Owl.

Flower Face

I came upon the Egyptian god Khu in this Norman Mailer novel and I thought, "Wait! Does this book already have an owl in it?" Because (I think) Mailer referred to Khu as a "night bird," and "Khu," I convinced myself, sounds like what an owl says. Eh, more like what a pigeon says, now that I bothered to say it out loud just now. And I know there are pigeons in Egypt because my mother-in-law used to cook them. But are there owls in Egypt? I was too lazy to ask. I did get out my DICTIONARY OF ANCIENT DEITIES, which is a thing I have lying around. And it described Khu (Khou) as a "crested bird." So then I got the bright idea of checking the index for "owl." There were eight listed pages with owls on them, making the DICTIONARY OF ANCIENT DEITIES a book with at least eight owls in it. And I am going to tell you about all of them. But first I would like to remind everyone that the Cosmic Owl (pictured), voiced by the great character actor M. Emmett Walsh, is one of the deities on ADVENTURE TIME, a fact not mentioned in the DICTIONARY OF ANCIENT DEITIES for several obvious reasons. Mentioned, however: Athena is also known as "Glauk-Opis ('Owl-faced')" and (next page) "She is often depicted as a maiden in warlike array attended by the owl and the serpent, both emblems of wisdom." Everybody knows that! But did you know that Blodeuwedd ("Also known as Flower Face" - aw!) was punished for a misdeed by being turned into an owl? It's a story of love and betrayal which I am too tired to tell you. On page 114, "In the branches sit Cronus's sea-crows and and Calypso's horned owls and falcons." It took me a while to find them. There are at least 15 gods and goddess on page 114, split between two columns, and the print is small and tightly spaced. I was reading about "the blood-thirsty bat god Camazotz" and was sure an owl would pop up in that story, but it didn't. Next we find Chia, who, like Blodeuwedd, is punished by being turned into an owl. Boy, that sure was a popular punishment! It doesn't seem that bad. If Chia "became displeased by a man, he had to dress as a woman to avoid being punished by her." Cool! We find that "Durga, the invincible destroyer" is also known as Karali or Kausiki ("Like an Owl")... I should probably (why?) mention that she is the third death goddess so far on our list - from all over the world! - to have the owl as her symbol. "Indra is symbolized by the bull. One of his symbols is the owl, indicating power." And finally I give you Pueo-nui-akea. "Owl god. Guardian. He is an owl god who brings life to the souls who are wandering on the plains."

A Giant Mirror Fixes Everything

Hey my first order of olden comic books came in, so, as promised, I can tell you why Supergirl was throwing spaghetti at the Batmobile on the cover of ACTION COMICS #388. Spoiler alert! See, some scientist created a "world duplicator" but it went crazy and made a crazy world where Superman, for example, is vulnerable to Brussels sprouts (see above) instead of kryptonite. But don't worry, folks, Superman fixes everything with a giant mirror in space. If there's one thing I learned from the comic books of my youth, it's that any cosmic problem can be solved by a giant mirror. See? This wasn't a waste of time and money!

Pith Helmet

I was looking through the New York Times archives for articles about Charles Portis and I came across the snippy, dismissive review they printed when MASTERS OF ATLANTIS came out. And I thought, "What sort of person could dislike MASTERS OF ATLANTIS so much?" So I "googled" this reviewer up and found his "web" site on which he models a pith helmet, and offers "magical tours" of Egypt, and says that "contemporary cosmology" owes much to tarot, and presents an "open letter" to an archaeology magazine that has dared to question the existence of Atlantis (!), and provides hints of some overarching "lost civilization theory," and refers to "the upcoming Age of Aquarius," and you know how when you start "googling" something, "google" will automatically try to finish typing the search term for you? Well, "google" primarily associates the reviewer with Joe Rogan, the comedian and actor who, as we have previously learned from the "internet," has "adventures" in "invisible realms." So what I am saying is that the New York Times got a character from MASTERS OF ATLANTIS to review MASTERS OF ATLANTIS, which must have seemed like a cute idea, but come on, New York Times.

British Cat Biologist

So in today's New York Times there is a story about a cat who walked 200 miles. The article quotes Roger Tabor, whom it calls a "British cat biologist." We have mentioned Roger Tabor on the "blog" before, never suspecting that he is a British cat biologist! Okay, maybe suspecting. Also quoted, a guy named Jackson Galaxy, whom the the New York Times keeps calling "Mr. Galaxy" in their cute New York Times way. Mr. Galaxy!

Xylophone

I realize that the previous "post" should have also had these "labels" at the bottom of it: "action" and "the cosmos." And probably some more I am forgetting. BUT I ALREADY USED UP LITERALLY TWICE THE ALLOWED AMOUNT OF LABELS and I have no place for any more labels. No place but here. Also, I would like to mention that I read a New York Times obituary yesterday in which one sentence began, "With his trademark monocle, frumpy suits and penchant for playing the xylophone..." I am going to work very hard to make sure a sentence in my obituary starts that way too.

Dazzling Kimono of Doom

I know you want to be kept informed about our annual Halloween film festival so I will tell you a few things about X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES. 1) Before the credits even start there is an eye attached to a stalk kind of wiggling around in a jar of pink fluid, and you will think of Samuel Beckett's novel THE UNNAMABLE. 2) Then the credits appear over a black-and-purple swirling hypno-wheel. Dr. Theresa approved. 3) Suddenly, about halfway through, I guess, it takes an unexpected turn in the general direction of NIGHTMARE ALLEY, with Don Rickles doing a good job as a shady carny seeking to exploit THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES! Don Rickles removes Ray Milland from his carnival-appropriate kimono of dazzling yellow silk and sets him up as a phony "healer." Matters of faith and determinism are addressed! 4) Speaking of which, it all ends on a mystical note, not unlike THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (if nowhere near that level), following its premise through to its cosmic conclusion. THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES sees through everything, he SEES INTO THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, but I won't spoil it for you. 5) I forgot to mention a RAIN MAN-like side trip to Las Vegas. "This movie is all over the place," Dr. Theresa remarked at that point, but she didn't mean it in a bad way.

Inexplicably, a Monkey

In today's New York Times, a review of a reality show about "four dogs and, inexplicably, a monkey... You learn a lot about dogs from the clips... You learn, for instance, that they are close to figuring out how to drive cars." That's what it says in the New York Times! Way to bury the lede. But the dog news doesn't end there: the New York Times gossip columnist attended the Hero Dog Awards. I am starting to feel sorry for her! Back to TV: I watched Dick Cavett interview Mel Brooks on HBO last night. Sometimes Dick Cavett forgot to do the interview! He might suddenly tell a rambling story about Tallulah Bankhead, for example, while Mel Brooks sits there waiting for the question that never comes. Mr. Brooks was sprightly and entertaining, of course, although at one point he did a George Arliss impersonation (!) which even Dick Cavett realized was obscure. Cavett advised the live audience to hurry home and "google" George Arliss - a thrilling prospect. Let me put this in perspective: the other day I taught a college class in which not a single person had heard of Jessica Lange (pictured, with, explicably, a monkey). (By the way, yes, Dick Cavett indulged in the infamous Dick Cavett cliché of bragging in a particularly annoying offhand way about how he used to hang out with Groucho.) The show started with a Bob Hope anecdote and ended with a Jerry Lewis reference, so I should have been the happiest boy on earth, but all I could think about was a roomful of HBO executives: "Tallulah Bankhead AND George Arliss? This is gold!" At one point, Dick Cavett referred to Mel Brooks as "an exploding supernova of humor" (!) proving that mind-boggling Jerry Lewis-style cosmic celebrity glad-handing is not dead.

Recommendation Shelf Action

Another book sold from my recommendation shelf, for a total of eight. Here's a fun recommendation shelf fact for all you recommendation shelf fans, of whom there are zero: I always replace a sold book with AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VOLUME. So if you haven't visited the recommendation shelf for a while, that means you are in for up to 80% of DAZZLING BRAND NEW SELECTIONS! Perhaps this is the time to once again assure the government that I am not employed by Square Books, nor do I get a "piece of the action." I just have a lot of time on my hands. It's sad, really. On a happier note, Michael Bible witnessed the customer who picked up RAVEL by Jean Echenoz from the recommendation shelf. "The guy was excited," he reports. Back to sad things: today at Off Square Books, there will be a "farewell reading" by John Brandon. That's right, he's leaving Oxford, a fact which fills me with vomitous rage at the cosmos. So come say goodbye to John Brandon, and to happiness. Forever!

Curse of the Recommendation Shelf

You won't believe it! I met Anya up at Square Books today and ANOTHER BOOK HAS ALREADY SOLD from my FAMOUS RECOMMENDATION SHELF, for a total of SEVEN! So that is great. BUT IT IS ALSO A LOT OF PRESSURE. For instance, Lydia Davis sold today and I looked all around the store for something to replace her with and ended up with Hunter S. Thompson. Does that seem exactly right? I am not sure! Plus now the fragile shelf groans under the cosmic burden of both Hunter S. Thompson AND Norman Mailer, and I am not sure it can abide the combo. Suddenly everything seems wrong. The shelf may need some rethinking! Maybe I should start over from scratch. That seems hard! Recommendation shelf, you are my hope and my doom.

Beloved Turpin Splurch

Hey! Did you know that the pie fights of Ben Turpin appear on the book flap of my surprisingly (?) cheap first edition of Mack Sennett's autobiography? Allow me to quote: "custard pies sailed through the air and hit Ben Turpin with a splurch between his beloved, mis-mated eyes." Thus do at least three or four separate "blog" threads come together in stunning cosmic alignment. Yes, "splurch."

Many Ubiquitous Everywhere

Hey, speaking of all my many ubiquitous columns which are everywhere, THE UTNE READER has asked to reprint an excerpt from my recent Oxford American column about Lady Gaga. And I was like, "Go for it, UTNE READER!" I would just like to point out that my Lady Gaga observations are even truer than when I first wrote them. For example, I recently watched two sitcoms in a row in which characters were dressed up as Lady Gaga for humorous reasons. If you read my column, you will understand what this means socially, politically, cosmically, etc. Think repressive desublimation!

Cosmic Alignment Occurs

In a rare event, the sort of which scientists say occurs only once every 700,000 years, Doyle from GILMORE GIRLS went to work for the MAD MEN on last night's episode of MAD MEN. I am pretty sure it was Doyle from GILMORE GIRLS. If so, this is his second show with both an alliterative and a gendered title, making the event rarer still and causing my head to explode. With joy? Probably!

Good Rain In an Old Movie

This semester I am "teaching" BATS OUT OF HELL by Barry Hannah. Ha! "Teaching" Barry. How about this? "Rain the color of my car, color of those old haunted movies dear to me, never seen again in our town: is there anything like good rain in an old movie?" Same narrator on one kid's crazy cosmology: "Why not? I thought. Seems I had once seen a medieval thing not far off the substance of this. It could do as well as any, as we creep along with our baggage, dunces in fury, down the long ditch and into the passionate night."

Goober In a Void

I am sure that like me you tossed and turned all night, thinking about the man who gave George "Goober" Lindsey a comic book - yes, a comic book that called the very meaning of Goober's life into question! If you will recall, it contained a character named Goober, who wore a hat like Goober's, yet this comic book predated Mr. Lindsey's characterization, and Mr. Lindsey knew nothing of it. I imagine that Goober's world fell out from under him as he gazed on the doppelgänger that made a mockery of everything tangible in this dismal existence. (The man writes in his "mailing list thread," with a touch of conspiratorial paranoia, "this could hardly be a coincidence," but I disagree! I fear it was a cruel cosmic joke.) Goober probably had a lot of troubling thoughts when he saw that comic book, thoughts like, "My life has been a lie!" Like, "Strip me of my nickname and trademark hat, and what am I?" Like, "At the end of the day, who am I, really? For the love of God, WHO AM I?" That's what Goober probably thought. Then I imagine he couldn't stop sobbing. "Double Trouble" indeed!

The Pig and Chicken Variations

So I have found a couple of places that say Junior Johnson was speaking to NASCAR founder Big Bill France - not an interviewer -when he made his pronouncement. One person who agrees is a commenter on this Washington Post sports "blog," though the "post" in question lists a whole host of possible sources, including the TV series GREY'S ANATOMY. See why the "internet" makes life harder and more confusing? See why we're all lost in a cosmic void? Okay, then!

McNeil's "Way... Way Out"

Welcome once again to McNeil's popular UFO column "Way... Way Out." Today McNeil favors us with a "post" from the "web" site of "Sky & Telescope Magazine." I think it's about a mysterious object floating around in the sky. I'm not a very careful reader. But I did enjoy the comments section, especially the comment by Dr. Gottfried Beyvers, who wrote, "I don't know what that object might be, but I do know that you gave the wrong distance of the cluster CL 1432.5+3332.8 ! Its redshift is 1.112; the cosmology calculators then tell us that its proper distance is now 11.7 billion lightyears and that the distance at emission was 5.54 billion lightyears. The number you report (8.2 billion) is the light travel TIME! S&T has had a good record of giving correct cosmological distances, please do continue that." (Illustration from "How to Build a Flying Saucer" by T.B. Pawlicki, which is something I found on the "internet.")

The "Blog" Encompasses All

"Only connect!" said E.M. Forster, and we have no idea what he was talking about, unless it has something to do with "blogging." For we must at last acknowledge that the "blog" seems to hold a special place in cosmology. Everything revolves around it. As we have postulated before, the "blog" encompasses all. Witness: the analogous careers of Wally Cox and Charles Nelson Reilly. Contemplate: Sheri Joseph enjoyed Underdog and the Disney version of Robin Hood. Is it mere coincidence that Wally Cox did the voice of Underdog and Charles Nelson Reilly's father, an artist, was offered a job by Walt Disney himself? Finally, consider: Charles Nelson Reilly was born in the Bronx, and the chimp we have been "blogging" about so much was once liberated by its human chum from the Bronx Zoo. Yes, apply a little research and you will find that the "blog" is the center of the universe.