How I Read Now

I take my membership in the 2-person book club very seriously, as will be confirmed when I tell you that I moved JOSEPH AND HIS BROTHERS into a secondary position so that I could more faithfully engage with the biography of Polly Adler. Look her up! I don't have time for your lazy ways. Having finished that Marilynne Robinson book, I now read JOSEPH AND HIS BROTHERS for 10 minutes a day, 5 minutes at a time, while I wait to take my blood pressure. I make it through an average of four pages a day, a pace to which the book makes itself strangely amenable. I first noticed while reading THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN that Thomas Mann is very interested in time - its reality and its narrative uses and representation. That's a great oversimplication. To keep going in the same simplistic direction, the only direction I know, Mann is interested in how an hour can pass like molasses, while a decade can disappear in a blink. It is for that reason, I assume, that my readings of his mammoth text, though brief and greatly separated, feel as if they are taking place in a single unending and languorous haze. It may further interest you to know that I believe I was pronouncing "Thomas Mann" correctly for most of my life, and then, recently, I started thinking I was doing it wrong, so I started pronouncing it a new way, but now, whenever I say it out loud, someone says, "Who?" and I say "Thomas Mann" and they say "Oh..." Then they look at me like that one emoji with a straight line for a mouth. (See also, the time a smart-alecky undergrad corrected my pronunciation of "whilst" in front of the whole class, even though I was saying it right and he turned out to be nothing but an ill-informed little and, as I recall it, wealthy jerk with enviable golden locks. On the other hand, what is this bitterness? I am sure he turned out to be a very nice young man and he did demonstrate considerable ability in the classroom. His single flaw, now that I really contemplate it, was his unwarranted confidence about how to pronounce "whilst." There are worse crimes! God bless you, the handsome and polished pebble in my shoe! See also, then, the time I mispronounced the name of Ashton Kutcher, and was justifiably laughed out of the classroom and made to hang my head in dirty shame.) Oh! But what I came here to say is that though (as I have reiterated countlessly) I am under no obligation to tell you about more than one owl in a book, and I have already told you about two owls in JOSEPH AND HIS BROTHERS, old Potiphar was just sitting in his special room where he sits as the sun goes down, and behind his head as he sits in a silent, noble fashion, there is artwork representing owls, falcons, and ducks, I believe in that order, but the book is all the way downstairs, under my blood pressure machine, so I guess we'll never know.

Pancake Research

I found reason to recall a long-ago exchange in the "writers' room," when someone mentioned putting syrup on pancakes, whereupon Hanna, calling in from Sweden, said, with a degree of alarm, something like, "What kind of syrup would you put on pancakes?" Adam replied, "Breakfast syrup." Hanna said, and this may be a direct quote, "Breakfast syrup? You guys are crazy." We asked what goes on pancakes in Sweden and Hanna said, "Jam." Now, we all had to admit that sounded great! But it was clear that syrup in Sweden is different than what we call syrup in the USA. All of this came back to me as I contemplated the molasses sandwiches in Ingmar Bergman's film FANNY AND ALEXANDER. After recording my thoughts on the film below, I dispatched an urgent query to Hanna, asking what the translator might have been getting at. Hanna concluded that the children were most likely enjoying some treacle (AKA golden syrup) on bread, a cheaper substitute for honey on bread. Now, the grandmother in FANNY AND ALEXANDER seemed as if she would be able to afford all the honey a child could ever eat, but that is none of my beeswax. Ha ha. Hanna told me there is nothing like molasses in Sweden, although both she and I may have been conflating molasses and syrup, as I know from visiting dozens of websites that are all too eager to explain in excruciating detail the myriad important differences between molasses and syrup, which I perversely refuse to commit to memory, despite all my feigned interest in the subject.

Sandwich and Alexander

As you know, I have given up "blogging" entirely. However, something has occurred which requires immediate comment. You no doubt recall with a bittersweet admixture of reverence and nostalgia the time I noticed the importance of sandwiches to Bergman's SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE. Having recently rewatched the same director's FANNY AND ALEXANDER, I was stunned to discover that it features even more sandwiches than SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE. The exciting prospect of studying the entire Bergman oeuvre from the perspective of sandwiches presents itself. In FANNY AND ALEXANDER, an unusually lenient wife orders up "two cheese sandwiches" for herself and her happy, adulterous husband. Soon, the eponymous children are offered "a molasses sandwich," which the subtitles have in the singular. I will have to learn Swedish for a more complete examination. Moments later, for example, the children are asked to put down the "sandwiches," plural. One may imagine that half of a molasses sandwich is enough for any child. Perhaps the single molasses sandwich was divided in two, becoming, for all practical purposes, two sandwiches. While "half a sandwich" is a traditional unit of sandwich measurement, it is not difficult to picture two halves of the same sandwich, being consumed by two separate people, as "sandwiches." A mystery! I am put in mind of the J.J. Special, a favorite order from Manuel's Tavern in Atlanta. It was a patty melt of sorts, divided into four sections, each held together by a fancy toothpick. At some point, the J.J. Special was changed, and it came to the table cut in half, appallingly like any ordinary sandwich. It took a long time to get used to the new configuration. I should also mention that the J.J. Special might have been the name of the entire order (which came with onion rings AND fries), and not merely the name of the sandwich (see Dr. Frankenstein and his monster). We may further examine two sandwiches of unspecified ingredients in FANNY AND ALEXANDER. The cruel and austere bishop asks for "a sandwich and a glass of milk," while the happy adulterer is promised "a beer and a sandwich" to be served in bed by his indulgent wife. Can it be that a sandwich is the one food that pairs well with either milk or beer? I have put no thought into the question. But surely we may draw many conclusions from the beverage choices of these two very different characters. In conclusion, sandwiches for the happy adulterous Swedish man form somewhat of a framing device in FANNY AND ALEXANDER, as they appear near the beginning and near the end of the film. One might say, then, that the film itself is a sandwich.

Lemon Air

Hey I went out of town again and jotted notes about everything I did, who cares? But the day before I went on my trip I was in the doctor's office - a new doctor. He had CIGAR AFICIONADO in the waiting room. I thought that was a weird magazine for a doctor to have in his waiting room (see also). And the first two letters to the editor in CIGAR AFICIONADO were about some readers' disappointment with CIGAR AFICIONADO's take on the Kennedy assassination! But mostly it was pictures of cigars. Ron Perlman, who does the voice of the Lich on ADVENTURE TIME, was on the cover of CIGAR AFICIONADO. I believe the cover said RON PERLMAN: DREAMING BIG. But he just looked disgruntled about something! After I had looked at all the pictures of cigars I picked up Martha Stewart's magazine, which contained this phrase: "Peanuts take a sinister turn when sprayed with diluted black food coloring." It was a Halloween snack tip which I found fascinating and disturbing. I kept muttering it aloud because I wanted to remember it and didn't have a pen. "Peanuts take a sinister turn when sprayed with diluted black food coloring." I said it a lot, out loud there at the doctor's office. "Peanuts take a sinister turn when sprayed with diluted black food coloring." I started to think (realize?) that "sprayed" and "diluted" are the most awful words in the sentence. It is awful to picture someone "spraying" peanuts with "diluted" black food coloring. Sure, I would have "blogged" about the doctor's office magazines that day, but I was late for an ADVENTURE TIME video conference. So I had to come straight home and jump right into that. Late! Late for a meeting the first time ever. No time for "blogging"! After the meeting I had to take care of a few things and go to bed. Up bright and early for a trip to California for more ADVENTURE TIME doings! Allow me to describe it for you in agonizing detail you won't ever read, as transcribed from my precious little notebook of precious observations. Okay! On the way to the Memphis airport I saw a motel sign advertising "CHITTERLINGS" in the space where they usually say "FREE HBO." Now the first thing I know you're dying to hear is what I read on the airplane. Well, Ace Atkins recently talked Megan Abbott into reading her first novel in the Travis McGee series by John D. MacDonald. Megan said the book had "wit and soulful women" in it. And so I recalled that McNeil had given me a Travis McGee paperback 20 years ago at least... maybe 30 years ago! And there it has sat, neglected, on various shelves, most recently the drugstore spinner in my home office. Like Megan, I never made the leap to Travis McGee. But now I am finally reading that book McNeil gave me so many decades ago. Ha ha, I am just going to keep typing, though we are only on page one of my notes and I am already bored with my own life. This may be my longest "post" ever! Because I am also going to tell you what I ALMOST read on the airplane but didn't: SISTER CARRIE by Theodore Dreiser. Dr. Theresa has raved about it for years. And once when we were visiting Laura Lippman, those two bonded over their love of the book. Later on I discovered that Megan loves it too. Now, this is the same trio who finally got me to crack open MILDRED PIERCE, a masterpiece. But Dr. Theresa's paperback of SISTER CARRIE is mutilated with affection and scholarship: folded, cracked, dog-eared, marked-up, annotated copiously by hand... altogether too physically complicated for casual airplane reading. Ha ha I love how boring I am being right now. I had to get up early - well before dawn - to make it to the plane, and fell into a deep slumber on the runway. When I awoke, I asked my seatmate, "Are we there?" I really thought we had landed at LAX. He had to tell me we still hadn't left the ground in Memphis. What shenanigans! Pen and Kent picked me up at the airport in a white 1951 Bentley! This was the only way for them to top their previous luxurious joke of picking me up in a stretch limo. "How are you going to top yourself now?" I asked Pen. "We're not doing this again," he said somberly in a way that made me believe him. Now here is an amazing coincidence you won't care about: Pen and Kent took me straight to a restaurant I had just read about in a magazine in my doctor's office the day before... in a beer lover's magazine called DRAFT. That's right, my doctor had magazines about cigars AND beer in his office. As we waited for our food there was some saucy music playing and Pen said, "I could teach you how to rhumba." And it turns out he wasn't kidding! (Although we didn't rhumba.) Pen used to be a dance instructor, I learned. Pen said, "Old ladies would occasionally proposition you." ("Click" here to read the interview I did with Megan Abbott when we talk about how Billy Wilder used to be a "taxi dancer," likewise popular with the ladies! Though Pen never went the Billy Wilder route and took any old ladies up on it.) For dinner, Leslie Wolfhard and her husband Steve and Kent took me to the soothingly dark Tam O'Shanter, where Walt Disney used to have lunch every day. I found out that Leslie's favorite movie is NIGHT OF THE HUNTER and that she lived in Atlanta during some of the same years Dr. Theresa and I did. So we got to be nostalgic about the Majestic Diner and stuff like that ("click" here for an interview where I get appallingly mawkish about Atlanta). They put horseradish in the deviled eggs at the Tam O'Shanter. Unless I am nuts, I have never before run across that welcome innovation. Everyone else had prime rib, but I went the more healthy route of corned beef and cabbage. Ha ha ha! But really, I ate all my vegetables and ordered some "mixed peas" on the side. And I even left a little corned beef on my plate, in honor of what I knew would have been Dr. Theresa's wishes (ha ha, she would have commanded me to "order fish" - WHAT! Oh well). For I knew that the next night I would be dining at the steakhouse where Bob Hope used to eat ("The Smokehouse") where I always go, I can't help myself. The Tam O'Shanter is where I drank the first of many negronis on this trip. It was all negronis all the time, brother! I am not sure why. I never had one before. But just before I left, I saw Dr. Theresa and Megan throwing them back at the City Grocery Bar and I guess I thought they looked pretty good. (Well, I did have half a beer at the restaurant from the doctor's office beer magazine, and a small glass of Amontillado [just for the Poe associations]- after a negroni - at a fancy dinner [see below - ha ha, you'll never make it!]) After the Tam O'Shanter I called Dr. Theresa and she said they had been filming a commercial next to our house. Here I am in Hollywood and they're filming a commercial at our house in Mississippi, ha ha ha, what a country. The following morning, in the Starbucks where I once saw the guy from Tenacious D who is not Jack Black, I was reading the New York Times and there was a quote from our friend and neighbor Richard Howorth on the front page of the Arts Section. A welcome and unexpected touch of home! Hey, it looks like I really am going to type up all my notes! I usually skip some of them. I went to my first comic book convention, Wondercon in Anaheim, to be on an ADVENTURE TIME panel. Jesse Moynihan explained that it's not really a "comic book convention." He explained what it was, but I can't remember. All I know is I saw Lou Ferrigno sitting in a booth next to the guy who played the "Soup Nazi" on SEINFELD. They were both selling their autographs for cash, which I guess is something I knew went on, way in the back of my mind. I wondered if it was demoralizing for the "Soup Nazi" to sit under a big banner with the word "Nazi" on it all day. I also spotted Sergio Aragones, which was thrilling! He was a big part of my childhood, drawing all those little comics in the margins of MAD magazine. A bunch of us from ADVENTURE TIME sat at a long table and signed hundreds and hundreds of posters for hundreds and hundreds of people (not for money). Some people wanted me to draw them a picture, not realizing I don't draw at all. So I tried a few pitiful Finns and a BMO ("He's just a rectangle!" I encouraged myself) and once, upon request, a Lady Rainicorn (see also!) who turned out looking like a snake who had been through some unimaginable tragedy. Speaking of posters, Cole Sanchez and Jesse bought me a thoughtful and awesome present at Wondercon... an original poster from the 1973 Clint Eastwood movie where a groovy free spirit teaches a craggy old square businessman all about love... BREEZY! They knew of my obsession with it. (You can see a video of the presentation by "clicking" here. And "click" here for a little more about BREEZY.) Then some super serious and professional and brisk and unsmiling security people hustled us through a bunch of SPINAL TAP-style back rooms and passages and freight elevators and corridors to get us to our panel, where there were - I have to believe - thousands of people in attendance! Above you can see the panel members... from left to right that's Kent, Pen, Andy Ristaino, Adam Muto, me, Steve (with Jessica Dicicco, who plays the Flame Princess on the show, standing in front of him), Jesse, and Kumail Nanjiani of TV's SILICON VALLEY, who plays Prismo on ADVENTURE TIME. We took a shuttle back to Burbank and Kent took me to my hotel and we sat in the lobby and I drank a negroni and Kent ordered some wings. "Yeah!" I exclaimed. "I want to see you eat some chicken while I'm here." Because Kent loves chicken, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What a country. Then I went to the steakhouse where Bob Hope used to eat and ordered a negroni and my usual, the "Steak Sinatra." And one of my tablemates said, "I used to know one of Bob Hope's mistresses." So that was exciting! My fellow diners included Joey Lauren Adams and my friend "The Hollywood Producer" - I honestly can't recall why I originally thought I needed to cloak him in anonymity but I'm going to stick with it. It's a tradition! I will say he has lost 50 pounds and looks like a superstar! Next up, karaoke. Joey wanted me to sing "Stagger Lee" with her. She said I had introduced it to her, in the Lloyd Price version, on a 45 at my house, and she had loved it ever since, so how could I say no to a duet tinged with such tender associations from the good old days when Joey used to live in town? Rash decision! Management, it turns out, has a foam cannon standing by with which to express its displeasure. Joey and I were deluged in torrents of punitive foam for whatever desecration we were perpetrating on the venerable tale of Stagger Lee. And by we, I mean me. I nobly intercepted the majority of the foam, keeping Joey unscathed - except in her heart! It occurs to me that I was perhaps the sole intended recipient of the foam and not "protecting" Joey at all. Terrible revelation! Joey and the H.P. were just trying to recreate the incredible joy of a previous occasion, The Smokehouse followed by karaoke in the same spot... but YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN. We had fun anyway! And the karaoke place made pretty great negronis. But when I got back to my room, my iPod, set to shuffle, was playing "Wrong 'Em Boyo" by the Clash. Out of 20,000 songs. That's the one that quotes liberally from "Stagger Lee." Technology is sentient. And hurtful. The next day I saw my brother and most of my nephews... one of them was off somewhere petting ducklings. While I was hanging out with the others, a picture came (to my brother's phone) of my absent nephew holding a duckling and I had to admit it looked like he had made a solid choice.

That evening, sitting in my hotel lobby waiting for the cab that was to take me to Laraine Newman's house (!) I read my Travis McGee. One of the "soulful women" Megan was talking about said of an evening on the town that she had had "a lovely, lovely time up until I went owly." Went owly! That's one I never heard before. And so I was able to add to my big long list of books with owls in them. Laraine and her husband Chad took me out to an incredible dinner I can't describe and won't forget. Infinite tiny courses. Tapas is a weak word. Brussels sprouts came with "lemon air." I said lemon air! I guess it is an exhalation that someone gently coaxed from a lemon. Not only was I in great company but the service was down-to-earth and accessible amid the weird splendor of the surroundings and the potentially daunting array of dishes. I had sea urchin for the first time, which I think I am right in describing as "the peanut butter of the sea." Then I went back to their place and watched GAME OF THRONES with Laraine Newman! During the sexy parts I was like - silently - "Oh no I am watching sex stuff with Laraine Newman... and her husband... and their dog." The cabbie on the way back to the hotel wanted to compare the natural disasters of California and Mississippi. He said, and I wrote it down, "Compared to tornados, earthquakes are candy. So your window rattles. A tornado, your house gets up and goes to another state." My flight home was the next day! So I went to the bar and ordered a negroni to take up to my room to help me pack. The bartender said, "That's a man's drink! I could never drink that." I was surprised. I really thought it was "a woman's drink." I associated it with Dr. Theresa and Megan. But maybe he was just angling for a tip. Though I could imagine Bob Hope and Nixon knocking back a few negronis in the Oval Office. Dressed for bed and drinking my Final Negroni, I caught sight of myself in one of the full-length mirrors they put cruelly all over hotel rooms and could not help but note my disturbing psychological resemblance to Martin Sheen at the beginning of APOCALYPSE NOW but, you know, fat. Now we're back to the airport! Seated across from me as I waited to board was a guy dipping extremely "fragrant" chewing tobacco and spitting it into a large clear plastic cup. I'm sure it's perfectly legal and happens in airports every day as far as I know. On the plane they tried to give me a "molasses clove cookie." WHAT! First of all, cloves in a cookie? Maybe that is normal and legal too. But the worst offense was trying to substitute a "molasses clove cookie" for a Biscoff, America's greatest airplane cookie. You may be sure I put up a fuss (i.e., asked politely) and got my Biscoff. On the way back home from the airport, I called Mom to let her know I got back okay. She said how much she had loved the ADVENTURE TIME season premiere and I realized I hadn't seen it yet because of traveling. "It had my favorite character," Mom said. I asked her who that was. "I don't know," said Mom. "She's a peach or a potato." Mom meant Tree Trunks, who is an elephant.

Big Foghorn Leghorn News

I guess the news here in Mississippi is that our governor, Foghorn Leghorn, has decided not to run for president. His only qualification was that he once enabled me to get a taco. That was his whole platform, I think. He was going to run on that. I am sorry he is not running because I had some bets going about whether he would magically lose his phony-baloney thumbs-tucked-under-the-suspenders road-company Boss-Hogg molasses accent overnight. I said he would! Mom thought otherwise. Think of all the money I would have been able to take from Mom! Am I getting "political"? Sorry!

The Nice Banquet

I made it about 1:43 into the 9-minute clip McNeil sent me... a "former Canadian defense minister," says youtube. Yes, I made it all the way past his joke about molasses and his bit about the nice banquet at which he is speaking (he "exceeded the feed limit" he joshes) and to the part where he says, "Decades ago, visitors from other planets warned us about where we were headed and offered to help." Okay! I don't want to pick on this man. I feel nervous, like when I watched a video of one of the women who said Bob Hope was controlling her thoughts with his evil brain powers. No, I don't think I can "link" to it. It would seem so sportive. Is that the word I want?

Little Potato-Shaped Object

Why does McNeil send me these things? I don't know. Here's a clip in which Buzz Aldrin talks about (at around 1:15) "a monolith... a very unusual structure on this little potato-shaped object." Buzz Aldrin doesn't seem to think that Martians built it but there's a lot of weird background music that would seem to suggest otherwise. McNeil also sent one of his famous 9-minute clips, this one about UFOs, but I haven't been able to force myself to watch it yet. It features a former Canadian official or something and he loosens up the crowd by opening with a joke (?) about molasses, and that's as far as I got. I'll let you know.

Addie Bundren's Pesky Neighbor Alvin

One of my smart students was talking about how Addie in AS I LAY DYING "kills her husband by repeating his name." Here's Faulkner: "He did not know that he was dead, then. Sometimes I would lie by him in the dark, hearing the land that was now of my blood and flesh, and I would think: Anse. Why Anse. Why are you Anse. I would think about his name until after a while I could see the word as a shape, a vessel, and I would watch him liquefy and flow into it like cold molasses flowing out of the darkness into the vessel, until the jar stood full and motionless: a significant shape profoundly without life like an empty door frame; and then I would find I had forgotten the name of the jar." Well, that reminded me of a Little Lulu story by John Stanley. It's collected in THE TOON TREASURY OF CLASSIC CHILDREN'S COMICS, edited by Art Spiegelman and Francoise Mouly, if you want to read it. Little Lulu's pesky neighbor Alvin notes that "'Foot' is a funny word!" His observation instigates a panel in which Little Lulu says, "Foot... Foot... Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot... If you say it over and over again, it doesn't mean foot anymore." Alvin replies, "'Foot' is a funny word for a foot." In the next panel, Little Lulu says, "Foot! Foot! Foot! Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot!" Alvin says, "Foot! Foot! Foot! Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot!" And that's just on page 2 of a relentlessly escalating five-page story. Hey, look, I found someone else "blogging" about the same Little Lulu story! And the wonderful panels he reproduced will now cause me to break my "random picture rule" - designed to save my computer from blowing up - for the eighth time in a row.

"Blog"trospective 8: Stang, Arnold

With the recent passing of Arnold Stang, perhaps an addition to our series of "blog"trospectives, accounting for every time that Mr. Stang has been mentioned on the "blog," will serve as some small tribute. Stang, Arnold - absolute best information on---as epitome of a "kindly old gentleman"---as unlikely point of reference---as voice of Popeye's pal Shorty---as voice of Super Pac-Man---birthday of---"blog's" repeated use of same picture of begins to weary Dr. "M."---book club potentially named for---BROADSIDE (TV show)---Brown, Dan spots surname of at Super Bowl---Callas, Charlie joins ranks of---CANNIBAL GIRLS and---cocktails renamed in honor of---THE COLOR OF STANG---connection with causes rise in McNeil's awe of Phil---could make you a nice Denver omelet---crazy person resembles---death of---difficulty of introducing slang word named after---FBIL researches slang usages of surname of---hanging out with Fess Parker and Peter Lorre---head of tacked to Phil's wall---HELLO DOWN THERE (film)---HERCULES IN NEW YORK (film)---hot dogs of---illustrating a "post" about wild turkeys---imagined in a velvet suit---improper usage of slang word named after---in the membrane---interviewed by a young Mr. Ward for school newspaper---invention of slang word named after---IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD (film)---ka-stang (variation on slang term)---Lewis, Jerry does not mention---MAD MEN and---THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM (film)---Miller, Roger mentions---Miller, Roger mentions (time code correction)---Mount Stangmore---Netherlands "web" site bearing name of---not in a video clip---not to be confused with a mustang---nowhere in the index of THE CITY IN HISTORY by Lewis Mumford---"One Year Ago" in history of---once again, he's in HELLO DOWN THERE---Oppenheim, Phil and---persistence of as object of contemplation---Phil takes picture of from television screen---Phil's mother dated---photograph of favored---physiognomy of---possibly endorses Truman for president through the medium of song---prediction of use of slang based on surname of on THE WIRE---Preminger, Otto harasses---Robinson, Edward G., on same "web" site as---SECOND FIDDLE TO A STEEL GUITAR (film)---slang word named after popularized in California---slang word named after rises to number three spot in "urban dictionary"---song I like to pretend is about---sorghum and---"Soulstang"---Sparrow (character played by)---"Stang Me Up"---Stangsgiving (holiday)---Stevens, Wilkins, Newdow and---Sturm Und Stang Book Club---Sunshine Kids and---surname of appears in CSI: NEW YORK---surname of appears in sandwich "blog"trospective---surname of on real estate sign---Swedish word similar to surname of---Verdell introduces slang word named after to "urban dictionary"---Verdell reminds everyone about slang word named after---Winchell, Walter threatens to supersede position of on "blog"---winery of Fess Parker and---your daily. Don't forget to check out the seven others in our famous series of "blog"trospectives: TOM FRANKLIN---PHIL OPPENHEIM---MOVIES---THE MOON---SANDWICHES---THE UNITED STATES---THE BEACH BOYS.

Food

Speaking of Dr. "M.," as I was several hours ago, yesterday's book purchases included the foodways volume of the New Encyclopedia of Southern Culture, containing Dr. "M.'s" elegant, witty, and informative article on Krispy Kreme. Aside from the pleasure and privilege of reading that entry in its entirety, there were other items of immediate personal interest to the "blog," as was evident at the earliest stages of browsing - everything the layman would ever wish to know about sorghum, for example, as well as a nice, long piece on my late mentor Eugene Walter (called in the encyclopedia by his full name, Eugene Ferdinand Walter, probably to distinguish him from Eugene Walter the early twentieth century playwright). I think Eugene would have been pleased and amused to find himself wedged alphabetically between Waffle House and George Washington. For a recording of Eugene reading one of his poems, "click" here.

Dreariness Threatens to Overtake "Blog"

A dispiriting phone conversation with Dr. "M."! She claims that it is not fun to look at the same picture of Arnold Stang, Fess Parker, and Peter Lorre every day! This runs counter to the trim new purpose of the "blog": to be your reliable "online" source for three things and three things only: sorghum, Mr. Spock playing his guitar, and Arnold Stang (not to be confused with "Stang," the great new nickname for money which all the kids have begun to use in their daily lives as arbiters of the popular culture of the streets, sidewalks, and upper-crust salons). We take this streamlined approach (sorghum, Spock & Stang) after considering the follies of the past, in which we tried to define the purpose of the "blog." "Click" here for one example from over a year ago, at which you may laugh for its callow pretentiousness. "Part of the fun of the 'blog," said Dr. "M.," "is checking to see what picture will be on it. It's like an advent calendar." The conversation then took a cheerier turn, as Dr. "M." and I discussed the possibility of a "blog" advent calendar, beginning on Dec. 1. Keep your eyes peeled! But worst of all, Dr. "M." referred to Arnold Stang only as "that guy," anecdotal evidence that our attempt to spread "Stang consciousness" has failed a little. "Hey, but didn't you like the one of Mr. Spock playing his guitar?" I asked. "At first," said Dr. "M." "What about the one of a tractor harvesting sorghum?" I asked. "I like that one," said Dr. "M.," her tone suggesting that it is fine as long as I don't run it into the ground. "But don't you find the repetition of the Stang image to be Warholian?" I suggested. As I recall, there was no comment from Dr. "M." It is true that McNeil has called the repetition of the Stang/Parker/Lorre photo "disorienting." I was inclined to attribute such confusion to his well known medical problems. But now, with Dr. "M." corroborating, given her prickly past relationship with McNeil and their unwavering solidarity on this issue, I am forced to admit that maybe what is great fun for me ("posting" the same photo of Arnold Stang as often as possible with, perhaps, some inkling of its capabilities as a vessel of annoyance) may not translate into actual fun in the world where we live as human people.

Word From the Farmer

In response to our recent inquiries, we have received word from the Farmer, filtered through his spokesperson, Dr. "M." The Farmer, it seems, does not watch a televised farm report. But as we surmised, the "internet" proves to be of use for our busy modern farmers living in this strange world of today. Dr. "M." reports: "I don't know if you knew that [the Farmer] manages a part of the Georgia Organics website--or used to?--where people have conversations about farming stuff. I believe it is what the kids call threaded conversations? Who knows! In any case, he poses a question that prompts people to chat. Oh wait, I think the proper term is discussion board. Before that he had a regular column in the GO newsletter called 'Ask Farmer Daniel'! What a hoot, huh? [In order to protect Dr. "M.'s" identity, we can neither confirm or deny that the Farmer's actual name is Daniel. - ed.] A great website in case readers are interested is localharvest.org, which provides links to local markets, restaurants that serve local food, etc." (Pictured, a harvesting of sorghum. From now on, every "post" will be illustrated by a sorghum harvest, Arnold Stang and friends, or Mr. Spock playing his guitar.)

Sorghum Everywhere

Last night my publisher was in town. We had dinner at L&M, where the chef presented for our sampling pleasure the newest thing to come out of their salumeria: a house-cured tasso ham... drizzled ever so lightly with - wait for it, people! - sorghum molasses. Longtime "blog" readers will grasp the significance. What we have done for green lizards, Phyllis Diller, paintings of Schoenberg, Pernod, and cigarette holders, we have now done for sorghum. You're welcome, sorghum! It's not working as quickly as we would like for velvet suits, but we're trying.

The Timely Recurrence of Sorghum

Last night a nice couple came over for dinner. The gentleman brought cornbread, baked according to his grandmother's recipe. He also brought a jar of sorghum molasses to drizzle over the cornbread - once again, in the style of his grandmother. It was delicious! So this morning I awoke at five for some reason and turned on the TV, and lo and behold the farm report was on. I was not aware that farm reports were still on the air. I remember seeing the farm report when I was a very small child at the home of my grandfather, who was a farmer. This modern farm report we have in the modern world of today has its own farming web site. Anyway, the point I am slowly coming to is this: I learned from the farm report that this year's sorghum crop has been 92% harvested. The timely recurrence of sorghum made me kind of curious about what sorghum is, exactly, but not enough to look it up.

"Blog" Celebrates 300th "Post"

A strenuous manual count has confirmed that "Molasses!" (never to be read without first consulting this warning label) is our 300th "post." Where has the time gone? We look back with tenderness on our green youth as exemplified by our 100th "post," and with some chagrin at the jaded charlatans we had become by our 200th. But what marvelous times we've had together overall, whimsically speculating on the subject of sugar cubes and so on! And who but the sternest amongst us could resist shedding a happy tear when I dressed up like The Shadow, or the time I bought a calendar with bats on it? Recent "posts" have been remarkable, too, for their savvy fashion advice on such saucy matters as belts, pants, and even that old classic the common house slipper. Nor did we shy away from going in-depth, as in our remarkable award-winning series on the word "dag," not to mention the hard-hitting investigation into the supposed closing of Uncle Mort's. Perhaps most significantly, we saw the face of "blogging" change forever. What a long, strange trip it's been is a phrase I just made up to describe what I'm talking about. Wow! That's deep.

Molasses Caveat

Having just now read the link provided by Lisa, I would like to make it clear for sensitive "blog" readers (as I hope one and all are!) that the molasses disaster is upsetting in some regards, so don't expect to "click" on it for a simple chuckle. It's horrible, actually. I expected something lighter, I suppose. Just letting you know!

Molasses!

The ex-boss speaks! Prompted by yesterday's "post" on a mysterious aroma of maple syrup, Lisa recalled a famous flood of molasses. She provided the "link" so you can read about it for yourself. She was also kind enough to congratulate me on my forthcoming novel AWESOME, which she had heard somewhere is about a giant (and it is). On that theme, Lisa wanted to share the stories of two large persons of yore, both of whom lived near Lisa's home in Nova Scotia.