Heaven Ghostly

I just got back from a trip to New York. Did I jot down some observations in a jotting book of precious jottings? You bet I did! But I'm not "blogging" anymore, so these jottings - never to be seen in their raw form by the likes of you! - will be fashioned into "short story material" through the miracle of "fiction writing." BUT! I have sparse and spare jottings left over and I guess this is the only place to put them. Did you know that I almost FILLED UP an entire jotting book in one trip? I don't believe I've ever done that before. The particular jotting book in which my jottings for this trip were jotted was a gift from Adam Muto, and an especially nice one considering the time he gently and rightly upbraided me for jotting too much and letting life pass me by. What meager jottings am I allowed to share as a committed non-"blogger"? My trip began in Upstate New York. Jim Whorton drove me past Shirley Jackson's childhood home! Couple of days later in New York City, Julia - prompted by Megan Abbott - came up with the title I.Q. 2: HIGHER I.Q. for a sequel to the film I.Q. So please contact us immediately if you want us to go forward with it. Soon Jimmy and I were in a bar talking about when God showed Julian of Norwich a hazelnut and then we moved on to the part of THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING about "heaven ghostly" being all around us. Jimmy has kindly emailed me the actual texts to which we had been alluding. "Also in this He shewed a littil thing the quantitye of an hesil nutt in the palme of my hand, and it was as round as a balle. I lokid there upon with eye of my understondyng and thowte, What may this be? And it was generally answered thus: It is all that is made. I mervellid how it might lesten, for methowte it might suddenly have fallen to nowte for littil. And I was answered in my understondyng, It lesteth and ever shall, for God loveth it; and so all thing hath the being be the love of God." And "For heaven ghostly is as nigh down as up, and up as down: behind as before, before as behind, on one side as other. Insomuch, that whoso had a true desire for to be at heaven, then that same time he were in heaven ghostly. For the high and the next way thither is run by desires, and not by paces of feet." On the way home, I was soundly, deeply asleep on the airplane when a voice startled me awake. It was some guy saying loudly in my ear "I see the sky and wonder why it's blue instead of red." I have to say it scared the hell out of me! But my earbuds were in, and it was Porter Wagoner doing like a spoken word thing. A pretty mellow song for Porter Wagoner, I don't know why it scared me so much, though he does get into the impenetrable silence of God later on in his recitation.

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

Welcome once again to "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up," your only place on the "internet" for all the biggest scoops on the entertainment show business stars of tomorrow. THIS JUST IN! Your eyes do not deceive you. That's MY BROTHER with STEVE LAWRENCE. If you don't know who STEVE LAWRENCE is, you're even worse than we thought. And frankly we never thought much of you. As WILL FRIEDWALD says in his BIOGRAPHICAL GUIDE TO THE GREAT JAZZ AND POP SINGERS, aw, there's six pages of double columns here, and the print is so tiny, never mind. Speaking of the fine crooners of this proud nation, BILL BOYLE set twitter ablaze yesterday when he stumbled across an LP by MATT DENNIS at THE END OF ALL MUSIC. Soon everyone on twitter was joining in the hot new "MATT DENNIS" kick. No less than MEGAN ABBOTT weighed in with her fave MATT DENNIS album cover:

Not only can THIS DENNIS KID swing, he's written quite a few hit numbers! We predict he'll go far.

BILL BOYLE dug up a clip that supports our astonishing claim. You'd be a fool not to "click" it. Here's the LP that got BILL so worked up, and we couldn't help but note that it is the cheery antithesis of a devastating PORTER WAGONER album cover. Talk about "flip sides"! The world is a strange place, as your friends at "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up" have noticed. Sometimes you're MATT DENNIS and sometimes you're PORTER WAGONER and there's nothing you can do about it.

Say! Your intrepid glittery-eyed troupers here at "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up" must have crooners on the brain!

Because we just remembered that we forgot to ever remember to tell you that the bar at the Lamar Lounge once graced EDDIE FISHER'S house! It's even crowned with a big, proprietary "EF"! But nothing last forever, folks. That's just the way it is. Take DINOSAURS! Who but noted author MARY MILLER came back from a recent excursion to IDAHO with a bag of genuine dinosaur poop from a souvenir shop?

And who was the recipient of this notable benefaction? None other than your humble purveyor of "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up." Our favorite part of the inscription? Her insistence that we "enjoy." That's all the "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up" we have time for today. Until next time, keep "reaching" for the "stars"! And in the words of MARY MILLER, "ENJOY!"

"Blog"trospective 16: The Twentieth Century

Hey, remember the twentieth century? Man, that was some century. I decided to do a "blog"trospective about it. We're going to see what the history of the twentieth century would look like based on the "blog." And we'll do it by regurgitating every time I have mentioned a particular year in the twentieth century. Why am I doing this? I am avoiding a lot of work I have to do, mainly transcribing the second hour of an interview about cigarette lighters. (Note: I know you won't read this "post"! Why would you? HOW could you? I got so bored by the mid-1930s that I stopped putting it together and started transcribing that interview again.) But enough about me! I give to you the "blog's" twentieth century. 1902: Hot dogs referred to as coneys. 1903: Bob Hope born. At the movies: THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY. 1908: The founding of the Lauer glove company. 1909: A biography of John Dee published. The Alaska-Yukon-Pacific Exposition. Boiled owls referred to as tough. 1911: Notable publications: THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. THE FAIRY-FAITH IN CELTIC COUNTRIES. 1913: A year during which part of THE MAGIC MOUNTAIN probably takes place. The word "pandiculation" is in the dictionary. A barber threatens his customer. 1914: Kafka writes in his diary about ostrich feather hats. 1915: Notable deaths: Scriabin and Gabriel von Max. In the American vernacular: "skeeky." 1916: At the movies: THE SMALL MAGNETIC HAND. Magazine of note: THE ELECTRICAL EXPERIMENTER. Other notable publications: LIMEHOUSE NIGHTS. 1917: Some mummies purchased. 1918: Oliver Onions changes his name. 1919: James Reese Europe cuts some tracks. First public appearance of Barney Google. 1920: Some kid says "googol." 1922: The jail on Pitcairn Island closes. A man starts hiccuping. 1923: Q-Tips invented. Oral Sumner Coad detects a similarity between Henry VI Part 2 and Macbeth. Vita Sackville-West publishes a long preface to the diaries of Lady Anne Clifford. 1924: Musical events: "Sneeze," Gershwin's "operatic parody." 1925: Publications: FAIRIES AT WORK. LAW OF SUCCESS. At the movies: THE MERRY WIDOW.

1926: A saucy photograph torn apart and taped together. 1927: THE ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY supposedly first appears with the Latin completely translated in an All-English text. 1928: Notable publication: E.C. Segar's Popeye comics. 1929: Notable publication: MAGIC AND MYSTERY IN TIBET. 1931: Gary Cooper poses with a chimpanzee. A woman gets so scared by a movie she never goes back to the movies. Notable publications: THE SCANDAL AND CREDULITIES OF JOHN AUBREY. LO! by Charles Fort. Joan Crawford drinks champagne by the railroad tracks. A reviewer thinks Herbert Hoover's baby fat is cute. 1932: At the movies: BLESSED EVENT. On TV (!): THE TELEVISION GHOST. 1933: A brand spanking new translation of Aristotle. At the movies: GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933, COCKTAIL HOUR. 1934: Nedra Harrison begins her studies at Emerson College in Boston. 1935: Death of Fernando Pessoa. 1936: Nedra Harrison concludes her studies at Emerson College in Boston. Birth of Georges Perec. Notable publications: Mickey Mouse comics. NIGHTWOOD. MY TEN YEARS IN A QUANDARY AND HOW THEY GREW by Robert Benchley. At the movies: the full-color Popeye short "Sinbad the Sailor." 1937: Notable publication: ANIMAL TREASURE by Ivan T. Sanderson. At the movies: a short starring Mickey Mouse's dog Pluto. 1938: Walt Disney admits to an interviewer that he once stomped an owl to death. At the movies: BROADWAY MELODY OF 1938. ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES. THE SHINING HOUR. 1939: Notable publication: FINNEGANS WAKE. Nedra Harrison portrays Lady Godiva. Beginning of the consumption of 15 million hot dogs and 15 million hamburgers.

1940: Ending of the consumption of 15 million hot dogs and 15 million hamburgers. Flann O'Brien completes the manuscript of THE THIRD POLICEMAN. 1941: Notable publications: ELECTRIC EEL CALLING. THEY GOT ME COVERED by Bob Hope. 1942: Kerouac attends a Frank Sinatra concert. At the movies: NIGHT MONSTER. 1944: Last person convicted under the Witchcraft Act of 1753. Notable publications: NAVAHO WITCHCRAFT. A TIME magazine article about the ventriloquist dummy Effie Klinker. 1945: filming on THE BIG SLEEP having been completed, Humphrey Bogart receives several massages. Movies did not often having closing credits. At the movies: SPELLBOUND. Notable publications: Archie comics. 1946: E.M. Bottomley purchases a 1923 edition of Lady Anne Clifford's diaries. Other notable publications: Archie comics. POLICE COMICS. A "Red Badge" mystery. THE CHURKENDOOSE. 1947: Rhubarb popularly declared to be a fruit. In the world of commerce and entertainment: the Chiquita Banana jingle. Ray Bolger sings of the Churkendoose. 1948: Notable publication: CULINARY ARTS INSTITUTE ENCYCLOPEDIC COOKBOOK. At the movies: RAW DEAL. 1949: At the movies: A Batman serial. Notable publication: a single-volume abridgment of Aubrey's BRIEF LIVES.

1951: Automobiles in production: The Bentley. On the radio: BOLD VENTURE! 1952: On television: THE HERMAN HICKMAN SHOW. UFOs spotted over New Mexico. 1953: a 4/5 quart bottle of Town and Racquet bourbon goes for $3.09 during the Gimbels 3-day liquor sale. Eleanor Roosevelt moves to 62nd Street. At the movies: THE CLOWN. Notable publication: MILTON CROSS'S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE GREAT COMPOSERS AND THEIR MUSIC. 1954: Filming of MOBY-DICK in Youghal, Ireland. 1955: Aliens speak with a Missouri farmer. Notable publications: HAVE TUX, WILL TRAVEL by Bob Hope. THE JOKER IS WILD by Joe E. Lewis. THE COMPLETE BOOK OF CHEESE. 1956: First entry in Charlton Heston's published journals. At the movies: BUNDLE OF JOY. U.F.O. Useful publication: The Daily Racing Form. 1957: Pilot ordered to shoot down a UFO. Automobiles in production: Ford Fairlane 500. 1958: At the movies: THE RETURN OF DRACULA. RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS! Eleanor Roosevelt moves away. 1959: A snotty article about Kerouac in LIFE magazine, the same Kerouac who uses the word "google" that year. Chimp stolen from the St. Louis Zoo. Jim enjoys eating coneys and fried chicken. Gombrowicz writes in his diary. At the movies: THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON. LI'L ABNER. THE GHOST STORY OF YOTSUYA. SANTA CLAUS. Notable publications: THE LORE AND LANGUAGE OF SCHOOLCHILDREN, EARLY HAVOC. 1960: At the movies: WAKE ME WHEN IT'S OVER. 1961: JFK's fallout shelter constructed on Peanut Island. At the movies: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM. 1962: Birth of a man who owns monkeys and dogs. Death of Faulkner. Integration of the University of Mississippi. Destruction of a haunted church. 1963: Bicycle safety video. Jerry Lewis talk show. Max Goodman begins his career at WKRG. Lee Harvey Oswald gives a lecture on communism in Mobile, Alabama. Frank Sinatra Jr. kidnapped. At the movies: THE HAUNTING. 1964: Margaret Best tucked into bed by a ghost. Notable Publications: THE FAR SIDE OF THE DOLLAR. FACTS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS FROM WASHINGTON TO JOHNSON. 1965: Newspapers erroneously report that James Brown wants to turn himself into a woman. Superman practices super-ventriloquism. Notable publication: MYSTERY IN SPACE. On television: JEOPARDY! At the movies: POP GEAR. 1966: Death of Ed Wynn. Charles Portis writes for THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. McNeil's grandfather checks out a book from the library. The Doom Patrol teams up with The Flash. Notable music: Porter Wagoner's "The Cold Hard Facts of Life." Notable publication: DARKER THAN AMBER. FLY MAN. At the movies: WAY... WAY OUT. DJANGO. WHERE THE SPIES ARE. On television: OPRY ALMANAC. 1967: THE THIRD POLICEMAN finally published (see 1940). Other notable publications: LETTERS TO THE AIR FORCE ON UFOS. TALES TO ASTONISH. At the movies: WOMAN TIMES SEVEN. CASINO ROYALE. WHO'S MINDING THE MINT? 1968: Elvis Presley's famous comeback special. Also on TV: DARK SHADOWS. Elizabeth's mother goes to the prom. Art Garfunkel begins keeping a list of every book he reads. The normally goofy Metal Men start going dark. Notable publication: Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics version). 1969: Bob Hope an occasional Nixon surrogate. Art Garfunkel reads WUTHERING HEIGHTS. The moon landing. cancellation of THE BIG VALLEY. Mickey Mouse used as a verb. At the movies, all H's: HAMLET. THE HAUNTED HOUSE OF HORROR. HOOK, LINE AND SINKER. 1970: Jack Palance sings. Tipsy diners in restaurants. The Hulk battles campus protestors. Coincidentally, Bob Hope organizes "Honor America Day," which he plugs when Jerry Lewis hosts THE TONIGHT SHOW.

1971: And yet the youth will have their say with Hair Bear Bunch lunch boxes. Butter and sugar sandwiches. Wadada Leo Smith. At the movies: COLD TURKEY. UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. 1972: A ghost at West Point. Messiaen hears an owl at Bryce Canyon. On television: GARGOYLES. THE NIGHT STALKER. At the movies: DRACULA A.D. 1972. THE BISCUIT EATER. X, Y & ZEE. Notable publication: 2010: LIVING IN THE FUTURE. 1973: Professor Irwin Corey visits the Acropolis. Bob Hope visits the University of Mississippi. Roy Blount Jr. visits Pittsburgh. I begin the longstanding, but not eternal, habit of watching the Academy Award ceremony. A letter from Giggleswick. Snow. At the movies: CANNIBAL GIRLS. BREEZY. THE THREE MUSKETEERS. 1974: Autobiographies of Colonel Sanders and Jeb Magruder. Other notable publications include a facsimile of Edward Kelley's seances with John Dee and WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION. Nixon's sound check. Bruce Springsteen bootlegs. Another letter from Giggleswick. At the movies: THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH. 1975: A TV movie about syphilis. Superman comic books. Gary Giddins badmouths Sammy Davis Jr. American Top 40. "Third Rate Romance." 1976: Robert Shaw co-hosts the Oscars. A teenager goes to somebody's apartment and eats a hot dog. Final entry in the published journals of Charlton Heston. Attacked by wolves, Dr. Doom plunges to certain death. I stop reading comic books. At the movies: CAR WASH. HARRY AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK. GABLE AND LOMBARD. On television: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.

1977: On television: The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. At the movies: FUN WITH DICK AND JANE. SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT. ROLLERCOASTER. HOUSE. Death of Chaplin. Notable publication: THE SMITHSONIAN COLLECTION OF NEWSPAPER COMICS. 1978: An uninvited owl joins in a Shakespearean production. At the movies: LONG WEEKEND. Notable publications: THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. 1979: Adrienne Barbeau weds John Carpenter. Lincoln Center tribute to Bob Hope. Bob Hope visits China. At the movies: PROPHECY. Was considered "the present" at one time. 1980: Edith Head designs a jogging suit. Norman Mailer is married twice in four days. Elvis Costello makes a TV commercial. A sitcom based on SEMI-TOUGH. 1981: Paul Schrader pouts about THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR. Michael Palin keeps a diary. At the movies: CONTINENTAL DIVIDE. Webster's Collegiate Dictionary gives the primary definition of gopher as "a land dwelling tortoise." 1982: A conspiracy theorist is arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Death of Djuna Barnes. Charlie Callas's final TONIGHT SHOW appearance. McNeil checks out a book from the library. At the movies: SWAMP THING. AUTHOR! AUTHOR! 1983: UFOs in the woods off Whangtown road. In addition to being overcharged for a remaindered volume of Albert Einstein's thoughts, McNeil records at least two Bob Hope double features and WHO'S GOT THE ACTION? Also on television: COCAINE: ONE MAN'S SEDUCTION. STARFLIGHT: THE PLANE THAT COULDN'T LAND. Phil Donahue does a show on sadomasochism. TBS airs BOEING, BOEING. CRACKING UP appears on Jonathan Rosenbaum's annual list of best films. Richard Nixon asks Robert Altman for a VHS of NASHVILLE. 1984: At the movies: DUNE. 1985: At the movies: RED SONJA and THE NAKED FACE. In music: "Sisters are Doing It for Themselves." The future creator of VERONICA MARS has a mullet. Max Goodman ends his career at WKRG. 1986: A Cutlass Supreme is named after Julie London. Dr. Harold Wallman's RV catches fire, destroying a human skeleton he owns. 1987: Death of Ted Owens, author of HOW TO CONTACT SPACE PEOPLE. TV is looked down upon. At the movies: MALONE. 1988: I get fired. An aged Jim Backus still broods over a slight by his parents. Nedra Harrison retires. In the comic books: Jack O'Lantern and Owl Woman.

1989: A year of bitterness and irony. I am skinny. An owl gets a hologram face. Zydeco Elvis wins the Battle of the Bands. The Spectre is ripped. On television: "Bob Hope's Christmas in Hawaii." At the movies: PHYSICAL EVIDENCE. 1990: A man stops hiccuping after 68 years. A priest gets a 10% discount. A band I am in travels to Jackson, Mississippi. At the movies: THE ROOKIE. 1992: I visit Milwaukee and the stage collapses. In the news: Johnny Carson trivia. 1993: I am employed. I accidentally drop my copy of a John Cheever novel into an airport toilet. At the movies: ANOTHER STAKEOUT, STRIKING DISTANCE and THE NIGHT WE NEVER MET. In music: "Blue and Far" (live). Notable publication: Leonard Maltin's Film and Video Guide. 1994: The Olsen Twins make a music video about being detectives. A Foster Brooks robot at the MGM Grand. Ward McCarthy and I attend an Elvis impersonator convention. At the movies: LITTLE WOMEN, THE FLINSTONES, and MIXED NUTS. 1995: Death of Grady Sutton. Home movies of the Foster Brooks robot. At the movies: FUNNY BONES. Notable publication: THE OXFORD COMPANION TO PHILOSOPHY. 1996: I buy a used book. An executive quits his job and blasts "Everybody Hurts" out of giant speakers. 1997: We sing a sea chantey. Notable publication: UNDERWORLD by Don DeLillo. 1998: I do not meet Phyllis Diller. Mark McGwire breaks a record. Dr. Theresa points at a hot dog. Kent Osborne visits Atlanta. A guy dreams there is gold buried in his field... and there is! 1999: People start making lists. Buffy Summers graduates from high school. Some guy sends his Bob Hope action figure on a trip around the world. At the movies: SHE'S ALL THAT. I read HANNIBAL on an airplane. I terrify Marvin Hamlisch in an elevator. Last time I talked to the guy who plays Don Pardo in the 2024 movie about Saturday Night Live. I meet either Francis Ford Coppola or a guy with a similar beard.

Don't Forget the Nuts

Woke up at 5 AM for no good reason, precisely in time to watch an entire episode of MOVIN' ON on the channel that shows Porter Wagoner. As I am sure you will recall, MOVIN' ON visited the Gulf Coast of Alabama to shoot some episodes in the mid 1970s and we were all pretty excited. Well, folks, you're going to be thrilled to hear that the episode of MOVIN' ON I happened to catch was shot in Mobile, Alabama! It sure was weird. I don't know if it would be weirder, less weird, or exactly the same amount of weird to someone not from the area, and I guess I'll never know. That's one of the tragedies of life. The episode was filled with things peculiar - very peculiar - to Mobile, such as "Azalea Trail Maids." It was a strange combination of long, static, method-actor scenes fueled by meandering improvisation, unbelievably contrived plot points, and allusions that only someone from Mobile in the 1970s could even begin to understand. Along the way, scenes had to be invented to account for the gawking crowds. There was an endless, almost experimental montage of balloons being popped by darts, Frank Converse grinning, and money being stuffed into a bucket, the same shots over and over. I would describe it as all padding, yes, everything in the whole episode seemed like padding for another episode, a missing episode, a phantom episode. Here is something I noticed about the acting style of Claude Akins, star of MOVIN' ON. He would add a sentence of his own to the end of every scene. Like, his sidekick (played by Frank Converse) was noisily eating nuts (a bit of method-actor "business") while looking over musty old books in the Mobile County courthouse (I guess). And at the end of the scene, when Frank Converse got up to leave, Claude Akins uselessly said, "Don't forget the nuts," obliging Frank Converse to ad-lib some line back to him, expressing that the nuts did not belong to him. That, in a "nutshell" - ha ha ha! wheeeee! - is what the whole episode felt like. At the end of another scene, Claude Akins added out of nowhere, "Shine your shoes!" The viewer then noticed that Frank Converse's shoes were extremely dirty. I could just imagine Claude Akins talking to the director like, "My character would notice that his shoes are dirty!" Or in that other scene, "My character would not want to see nuts go to waste!" Claude Akins was just trying to do his best.

Hay You

Concerned that there aren't enough good shows about hay on TV? Just get up at 3 AM unable to sleep the Jack Pendarvis way! Hay shows await you. On the channel that airs the Porter Wagoner reruns, I came across a show called MACHINERY OF THE PAST, which made me think of BROADWAY DANNY ROSE, when the lounge singer is encouraged to perform his tribute to "Great Crooners of the Past Who Are Deceased." So when I tuned in to the most recent episode of MACHINERY OF THE PAST, they were visiting a hay museum. A hay museum! It was a long, long visit to the old hay museum. This fellow had every kind of hay machine you can imagine, and if you are like me, you can't imagine any. I swear he had something called a "hay tanner," though when I looked it up on the "internet" this morning, I found little evidence of such a thing. I found people NAMED Tanner Hay and Hay Tanning, and people who didn't know any better greeting a person named Tanner like so: "Hay, Tanner!" Also I found a tanning salon in the city of Hay, Washington. But as for the actual device, whatever it is called, the docent of the hay museum explained that it "fluffs up your hay" when your hay is wet. There was a machine called the "hay conditioner" as well, and a marvelously gigantic contraption entitled "The Haybuster loose haystacker." The only other thing I remember is that the guy REALLY WANTS YOU TO UNDERSTAND that he DOES NOT TAKE GOVERNMENT MONEY for his hay museum.

A Big Year For Gold Lamé Banjo Straps

Recently I was up before dawn watching Porter Wagoner again. He was wearing a red shirt and a green jacket with sparkling yellow ears of corn represented. And for some reason he was holding up a big, scary picture of Jack Palance, which surprised me. Turned out Jack Palance was there to sing some songs! And the big, scary picture was Jack Palance's album cover! So Jack Palance sang "Green, Green Grass of Home." Here is a picture of him singing on the very show. My one regret is that his microphone hand is blocking a proper view of his ascot. His singing voice was not the most accurate in regard to pitch. Sometimes he half-talked it. He was dramatic to make up for his problem staying in tune. For example, "Down the road I look and here comes Mary/ Hair of GOLD! and lips like CHERRIES!/ It's GOOD! to touch the green, green grass of home." Mr. Palance came back out later and sang a song about beating a man to death with a chain! For real! His rhythm slipped and he got a fraction behind the beat but the band just kept plugging along, trying to help him out. He and Porter exchanged the most halfhearted pleasantries I have ever witnessed. Porter had to remind Jack Palance to hold the microphone to his mouth when he talked. On this episode, Porter Wagoner's band wore solid pink suits with white shoes and sparkling purple ties. A featured banjo player had a sparkling golden banjo strap. He did a neat trick in which he would bend the notes his banjo was playing by adjusting the tuning keys while continuing to pick with admirable rapidity. Dolly Parton sang a song. She was great. Her guitar strap appeared to be fashioned of gold lamé. The capsule description of the episode indicated that it was from 1970.

While It Was Still Dark

So I got up for no reason while it was still dark and watched this old short film on TCM. It was put out by "The National Clean Up Paint Up Fix Up Bureau." Did you know there was such a thing? Well, I guess there was! And the point of the film, no kidding, was that you shouldn't put a lot of magazines on your coffee table because when the communists blow up your city, your house will catch on fire. No kidding! They put these different little houses on a nuclear testing site. Like, one would have a lot of magazines on the coffee table and one wouldn't. Then BOOM! And the house with no magazines on the coffee table didn't burn as fast. They also said, and if I am paraphrasing, it is only by a little, "A fresh coat of house paint will keep your house from burning down." Close to an exact quote: "Is this your house? A dingy house? Or do you have a clean white house?" It did not take much imagination on my part to envision a mob leaving the movie theater and heading to Old Mr. Johnson's to help save the neighborhood from communists by giving the place a coat of paint, because Old Mr. Johnson has really let things go to seed ever since Ethel passed away. There are beer cans in his yard! And by the time they get there they have decided to just go ahead and preemptively burn down Old Mr. Johnson's house. That's the feeling I got from the movie. Then I switched to an unusual channel way down there at the far end of the satellite, and they were showing an episode of THE PORTER WAGONER SHOW and I was like, "WHAT?" Porter Wagoner was wearing the most amazing suit ever, a suit so amazing it could have its own show, people could just stare at that empty suit for half an hour very happily. But as a bonus Porter Wagoner was in it! And he was giggling! His is not a face one expects to see giggling. His is a long and solemn face. But String Bean was on the show, yes, a man named String Bean, I've told you about him before, back when I had been "blogging" for no more than a week or two, surely you remember when I told you about String Bean that time, well, he made Porter Wagoner giggle, just the sight of him! (Above, the very suit to which I was referring! My powers of "Googling" are not to be matched! The photo doesn't do it justice! You should have seen it sparkling and shimmering under the big bright lights!) After String Bean's number Porter put his arm around String Bean's shoulder and called him "String," which seemed chummy and kind of amusing. Like his first name is String and his last name is Bean, I guess! Then Roger Miller made a dry, surreal cameo, dapper in a black suit and full of secret unspoken humor.

All About Eef

I was scared and nervous and terrified to "google" the amazingly clever title I gave to this "post," and I was right to be, because 8,630 people had thought of it before me, just as I feared. But based on my scientific conclusions most of them do not seem to be talking about the same kind of eef, so I think it's okay. Anyway: Phil! Phil, my hero! Always with the keen eye, Phil is. He points out that the guy who wrote the wonderful and aforementioned WFMU "post" about eefing is the SAME GUY in charge of the Atlanta Time Machine "blog," which has given us so much joy and fun here, in the form, for example, of ads from old-time Atlanta nightclubs, a song called "Ooey Gooey," and a great story about a Porter Wagoner album cover. Thanks, Phil! And now I will add my own coincidence to make everything perfect. Remember when Sam Shepard was in the band the Holy Modal Rounders and played drums under the watchful eye of Ruth Buzzi, as documented on the "blog"? Well, one of the eefing songs gathered on the WFMU site is by that very same band! Sadly, I believe Sam Shepard had left the band at that time, so we cannot imagine him participating in some eefing. Unless we want to! It's a free country.

I Hope You Like Supplemental Commentary!

I forgot! In my recent supplemental commentary on this year's "blog" advent calendar, I should have mentioned #16 (the song "Ooey Gooey") and #20 (in which you are exhorted to PUT A GREEN LIGHT AT YOUR HOUSE). Both of those come from "web" sites that were (and remain) rich with "blog" advent calendar potential, and now that the "blog" advent calendar has come to its conclusion (for now), you are free to explore them for yourself. Let me get you started. The former comes from the same "web" site as the Porter Wagoner story recently brought to our attention by Kelly Hogan. It's called Atlanta Time Machine. On it, you can find tons of ads for Atlanta nightclubs of the 50s, 60s, and 70s, a scale model of the White House in Atlanta, interesting and exotic 45s of Atlantan provenance (that's where "Ooey Gooey" came from), and much, much more. Next, the guy who wants you to put a green light at your house, one in a long line whose beliefs and practices the "blog" neither understands nor endorses. He can also explain what's inside your body and where your secret twin lives. For starters.

A Reasonable Vacation

Kelly Hogan must have a lot of time on her hands these days! She sent a great "link" for you. I will quote the writer of the "link," who explains it very clearly: "In Aug. 2004, the Mrs. and I headed up to Nashville for a little fun and relaxation and while there we decided to do a little exploring to see if we could find the location used by Porter Wagoner for the brilliantly twisted cover photo of his 1966 RCA album The Cold Hard Facts of Life. Having been fascinated with the album cover for well over a decade, this seemed to me like a reasonable way to spend a little vacation time." To read the entire story, keep clicking "NEXT PORTER WAGONER PAGE" at the bottom of each page. The final page is somewhat bawdy, and really a coda, so if you dislike bawdiness, you can skip it without losing any of the story. I am tempted to use a new, non-random illustration (the likes of which I am trying to ban from the "blog" for environmental reasons), especially one of the "brilliantly twisted cover photo" in question, but why not be surprised and delighted when you "click" instead? Hey, look, it turned out to be an album cover anyway. Goodbye.

Big Pink

Look! It's John Currence accepting his James Beard award on a big pink screen! Allow me to rend in twain my pitiful veil of secrecy and tie all my recent "posts" together and say that Elvis Costello and I were pictured on John's back porch, celebrating his achievement. John had just returned to town with his impressive and heavy James Beard medal, which we all took turns wearing while eating a big delicious dinner. John said that if you win a James Beard award and then go to a restaurant, they may suddenly and without provocation give you a thirty-year-old bottle of wine that is as thick and chewy as paint and turns your teeth black and tastes amazing. Elvis Costello mentioned a startling personal fact about Porter Wagoner. I mumbled a lot and tried to hold it together. At the end of the evening I picked up Bess - who is married to John Currence - and carried her around the house for some reason and that is how we knew it was the end of the evening.

Porter

Porter Wagoner has passed away. Time for everyone to heed our advice about his CD The Rubber Room, especially the harrowing title track. Porter Wagoner! He brought James Brown to the Grand Ole Opry.

The Rubber Room

We are very proud of and excited for "Blog" Buddies Jon Langford and Kelly Hogan, both of whom - as we learned from a recent email - will soon get to perform onstage with Charley Pride (who we love here in the Pendarvis Building!) and Porter Wagoner (Hogan in her capacity as a member of Neko Case's band). It's all part of the upcoming Marty Stuart Late Night Jam at the world famous Ryman Auditorium! This brings to mind the fact that we've been meaning to recommend a CD - a Porter Wagoner compilation titled THE RUBBER ROOM. This is the sort of thing we usually keep close to our chests, recommending to only a few special friends... but that was ruined when they advertised my "fave" novel THE THIRD POLICEMAN by Flann O'Brien on the TV show LOST. Now I am given to understand that "information wants to be free," so I am going to go ahead and tell the world about Porter Wagoner's RUBBER ROOM. In fact, by an odd coincidence, I was thinking about emailing Hogan and asking her to consider covering the title track, yes, the titular "Rubber Room," but I was too tired. I believe this is the first time we have recommended a country album here at the "blog" since RUBY by Buck Owens. So take us seriously! Get "into" the Rubber Room today!