I Take It Back

Well, old Joaquim Maria de Assis really taught me a lesson. He has become one of my favorite writers, through the lens of his translators Margaret Jull Costa and Robin Patterson. So, you remember how I was passive-aggressively griping like a little sniveling coward about William Maxwell writing a jewel-like novella that is 20% (at least!) from a dog's point of view? So what do you think? Last night I'm reading de Assis's QUINCAS BORBA, and I hit page 43, and I say, wait! Is some of this from a dog's point of view? But! In the next paragraph, de Assis addresses his readers' concerns and says he knows what we're thinking, that, to paraphrase, nobody wants to read something from a dog's point of view. Then he makes his beautiful justification! "Yet the truth is that this eye" (the dog's eye, that is), "which from time to time opens and stares so expressively into space, seems to speak of something that shines deep within, hidden behind something else I cannot put a name to, something that, while it is intrinsically canine, is neither tail nor ears. Oh, the poverty of human language!" I love it. It almost made me ashamed. But 20% is a lot! I'll be surprised if de Assis spends over 1% of his efforts on the dog's point of view. Anyway, it reminded me that I was on a podcast a few weeks ago (it hasn't been released yet) and said a lot of indefinsible things that just kept spewing out of my mouth, including (and I think I'm quoting myself correctly) that "writing is one of the least dangerous professions." Now, what I meant, though I didn't express it clearly, is that you're most likely not going to hurt anybody with your writing, bearing in mind what I used to tell students, when I had them, which was, roughly, "Use all the adverbs you want! It's not going to kill anybody!" In other words, be bold, do wrong things on the page, who cares? Nobody! As for professional writers, I habitually listed crossing guards and short order cooks in a diner as people whose excellence at their jobs was of more immediate and pressing concern to the public. I considered this freeing and inspiring... though, as I now recall, when I was giving a guest lecture in a small classroom on that very point at SCAD, I noted that one student live-tweeted he had never been so filled with murderous rage in his life. Of course, I should have seen that my own advice would extend to a jewel-like novella 20% from a dog's point of view. In case you can't tell, jewel-like novellas make me throw up. Anyhow! The host of the podcast, I believe, understood me to be saying that the writer is never in danger, when I meant, conversely, that the victims of the writer (that is, the readers) were in no danger from the pitiful literary gestures of the writer, however dramatic. But to the host's point, we know that writers of various kinds have been endangered by their words throughout history and in current times, too! Most of us, however, stick to harmlessly exquisite novellas about dogs or... I don't know what other people write about. A thirty-year-old in New York City? Or some other godawful thing. And it's all fine! It's all fine!

Creakish From Age

Did I tell you about the time I was going to write a book called THE ALABAMIAD? Ha ha, what a dope. About 100 pages of it got saved and ended up as the title novella of my second short story collection YOUR BODY IS CHANGING. Tom Franklin was working on SMONK at the time, and SMONK was going to come out first, and Tom had the idea - which didn't last long - that SMONK was going to be titled or subtitled THE ALABAMIAD: BOOK ONE and then my book would be THE ALABAMIAD: BOOK TWO. A dumb old idea I still like. James Whorton came up with the title. I think I asked him what he'd call a book about everything ever in the state of Alabama and I believe he said without even a second of hesitation, "THE ALABAMIAD." But that's not why I called you here! One of my ideas was to start THE ALABAMIAD with 88 epigraphs about Alabama... what Melville did with whales in MOBY-DICK. And I found them! (Though now I have lost them.) Let me say I got out my copy of MOBY-DICK and counted the epigraphs by hand, so I'm not sure there are exactly 88 epigraphs in MOBY-DICK, nor do I even remember if that's the figure I came up with back then, but it sounds right. I think I was reading a book about FINNEGANS WAKE at the time, in which I learned (I think) that James Joyce had hidden a mention of every river in the world somewhere in the text of FINNEGANS WAKE. Knowing there is an Alabama River, I thought, yeah, why not get an epigraph for THE ALABAMIAD from FINNEGANS WAKE? (I got one from MOBY-DICK, too, of course. I'm sure you recall that poor ill-fated Pip the cabin boy is from Alabama.) Anyhow, that's how I dug around and came across, "With her halfbend as proud as a peahen, allabalmy, and her troutbeck quiverlipe, ninyananya." But that's not why I called you here! Yesterday when I was at Lee Durkee's house, he was telling me how he'd like to get on some Shakespeare search engine and find every mention of owls in Shakespeare for me. Now, I've stumbled on the owls in HAMLET and MACBETH kind of naturally, and I was afraid a search engine would be cheating, but then I recalled the FINNEGANS WAKE search engine where I found Alabama all those years ago. And I thought, you know, I should use it to hunt up some owls in FINNEGANS WAKE. There are plenty! "Owlets' eegs (O stoop to please!) are here, creakish from age and all now quite epsilene..." Just one of many examples. I don't think this is cheating because I'm never going to read FINNEGANS WAKE.

What Made Fred Tall

"She isn't a phony because she's a real phony. She believes all this crap she believes." That's some good dialogue from BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S by Truman Capote. Also contains many compelling sentences on the virtues of peanut butter: "It was the peanut butter that made Fred so tall... he didn't care about anything in this world except horses and peanut butter."

Abandoned Vampire Bicycles

Spurred on by the childhood recollections of Megan Abbott, I have watched two movie versions of Sheridan Le Fanu's story "Carmilla," both available via "streaming video" on the "internet." Ironically (?) the tawdry Hammer Studios version, THE VAMPIRE LOVERS, is by far the most faithful to the original story, though of course it takes some liberties. BLOOD AND ROSES (pictured), statelier and more evocative, owing something to VERTIGO, certainly has more of the dreamy quality that Abbott recalls, containing, in fact, a black-and-white dream sequence involving, in one of its tamer images, a courtyard filled with abandoned bicycles, though very little of Le Fanu's original story remains (they even misspell his name in the credits). An airplane figures significantly in BLOOD AND ROSES, which would have surprised Le Fanu.

Sometimes the Writhing Fiend

I happened to be preparing to teach the vampire story "Carmilla" by Sheridan Le Fanu in my "scary story class" while Megan Abbott was here, so we ended up talking about that, too. Megan was mesmerized by a movie version of the story, heavily edited, that was on TV all the time when she was a little girl. It gave her "wiggly stomach sensations," a turn of phrase I trust she will not mind me showcasing here, as she has already used it publicly on the twitter. Her experience of the film was all the more dream-like, she said, because back then "They would cut to a commercial whenever they felt like it, in the middle of a scene." (Above, a frame from an Italian movie version of "Carmilla," almost certainly not the one Megan used to watch, though we're still figuring out which one she did.) I love the story "Carmilla." The last paragraph is great, and I should quote some of it to you, though if you haven't read the story it might not make sense, but will definitely spoil the pleasure of discovering it for yourself, but really, who cares? You're not even reading this anymore. "... and to this hour the image of Carmilla returns to memory with ambiguous alternations - sometimes the playful, languid, beautiful girl; sometimes the writhing fiend I saw in the ruined church; and often from a reverie I have started, fancying I heard the light step of Carmilla at the drawing-room door." Checking out the footnotes in my copy of Le Fanu, I noticed that he relied for background research on an 18th-century treatise on vampirism by the French priest Augustin Calmet. And I happen to have a copy! So I dug it out. Calmet goes around collecting these "true" stories of vampires and spirits and such, and one thing I like about the book is the understatement. "That same night [the vampire] got up again, and by his presence alarmed several persons." Ha ha! I'll bet! Well, to be fair, they were alarmed because they had dug him up and put a stake through his heart, and he didn't even care: "This man when in that condition derided them for what they made him suffer, and told them they were very good to give him thus a stick to defend himself from dogs." Wow! When you stop and break that down, it's like an awesome bad-a** one-liner from a modern action movie. Way to go, vampire!

50 Ways to Love Your Lewis

Maybe you want to love Jerry but you don't know how! I have decided to help out the Encore movie channel by supplementing its day-long Jerry marathon and tonight's Jerry Lewis documentary with 50 "blog" "links" suited to various interests. Remember, these are JUST THE FIRST 50 WAYS TO LOVE JERRY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. They MAY NOT ALL BE RIGHT FOR YOU. Please feel free to browse among them, "clicking" away on your exciting search for YOUR OWN PERSONAL PATHWAY TO JERRY. 1. Read the great Jerry monograph by Chris Fujiwara. 2. Do you like Philip K. Dick? Well, Jerry Lewis appears in his EXEGESIS - which is ONLY HIS ECSTATIC VISION OF THE MEANING OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE! THAT'S ALL! 3. Speaking of authors, do you like authors? Maybe one of your fave authors has included Jerry Lewis in a book: Tom Franklin has! So have Don DeLillo, Lynda Barry, Lorrie Moore, Frederick Barthelme and many others! Classy! 4. Let's keep going with this author thing. How is Edgar Allan Poe like Jerry Lewis? "Click" here to find out! 5. Yeah, and what would Kierkegaard say about Jerry Lewis? 6. Maybe you are from the "dance world." Did you know that many highbrow choreographers turn to Jerry Lewis for inspiration? 7. Jerry thought Dean Martin smelled great! That's a nice detail. 8. Similarities between Jerry and the great Italian giallo director Mario Bava, if that's your thing. 9. A trusted method of immersing yourself in Jerryness. 10. Don't believe me? Take it from bestselling novelist Laura Lippman! 11. Don't believe Laura Lippman? Perhaps famed method actor Edward Norton is more to your taste. 12. Consider Jerry Lewis as the forefather of David Lynch. 13. Jonathan Rosenbaum knows a lot about movies and he LOVES Jerry Lewis! 14. Tough-to-please James Wolcott likewise! 15. When I was listing authors who have included Jerry in their work I forgot John Hodgman. 16. And Michael Kupperman! 17. For that matter, Jerry is in my novella JUNGLE GERONIMO IN GAY PAREE. 18. Jerry a hero to Michael Palin of the Monty Python comedy troupe. 19. Jerry an inspiration for the British version of THE OFFICE that everyone loves so much. 20. Jerry makes me think of the French painter Henri Rosseau. 21. McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. 22. Do you like Godard? Well, Godard based some of his scenes on Jerry Lewis scenes. Like this and that. 23. Some maintain that 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY would have been better with Jerry in it. 24. Jerry's spectacular use of color. 25. How about that prescient scene in THE BELLBOY that anticipates Scorsese's THE KING OF COMEDY? 26. The Cinderfella dance! 27. Jerry frequently appears in THE BELIEVER magazine. 28. I intuit a connection between Jerry and J.D. Salinger. 29. And supposedly Salinger considered Jerry to direct the movie version of CATCHER IN THE RYE, maybe! I said maybe! 30. Jerry's influence on GOODFELLAS. You like GOODFELLAS! 31. Jon Stewart of the popular DAILY SHOW often does Jerry Lewis impressions, but if he is too hep for your taste, crusty David Letterman also impersonates Jerry from time to time. 32. Speaking of which, maybe you should watch lots of Jerry Lewis so you can practice the fun habit of saying things like Jerry Lewis. It's fun! 33. Even nature itself aspires to sound like Jerry Lewis. 34. Do you like singing? Jerry Lewis is a good singer! I guess he can do it all. 35. Maybe you identify with Jerry's world-weary attitude. 36. He hung out in a diner with Marilyn Monroe, so that's cool! 37. Blair Hobbs detects an aesthetic kinship between Jerry and the photographer William Eggleston. 38. Jerry inspired Bruce Springsteen. That's right, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! 39. Think of Jerry as a poet. 40. Need a dissertation topic? How about "Medical Ethics in the Films of Jerry Lewis"? You're welcome! 41. In a hilarious practical joke, Jerry ruined Dick van Dyke's meeting with the queen! 42. Jerry was instrumental in getting the great Stan Laurel his honorary Oscar. 43. Jerry is handsome! 44. Maybe you are a "conspiracy theory buff." Well, for real the CIA tampered with one of Jerry's movies. Brood on that for a while! 45. Maybe you're an animal lover. Well, Jerry bought a hearing aid for his dog! 46. Jerry is subversive! 47. Quentin Tarantino + Jerry Lewis = True Love 4ever. 48. When everybody was dumping on Arthur Penn's BONNIE AND CLYDE, Jerry was one of the first to proclaim its greatness. 49. Does he irritate you and make you uncomfortable? MAYBE THAT'S JUST WHAT JERRY WANTS! 50. For example, he once stuck his nose in Frank Sinatra's eye.

Literary Matters

Time again for "Literary Matters"! And I am so sorry to tell you this, but there are lots and lots of them. I'm not even going to tell you how many, because you'll certainly stop reading. As well you should! Cursed literary matters! 1) TODAY ONLY! Roy Blount Jr. will be at Off Square Books (5 PM, the usual time) to read from his new book ALPHABETTER JUICE, some of the mighty pleasures of which have already been outlined here. Don't miss a chance to see Roy Blount Jr.! Note to the government: I bought my own copy of ALPHABETTER JUICE, so shut up! I am no publisher's shill! In fact, as far as I can tell, publishers hate me! 2) After Mr. Blount's reading, why not head over to the Kitty Snacks party conveniently located at Southside Gallery? The decent fellows at Kitty Snacks have a brand new issue out, featuring work by John Brandon and many other notables. And the gray cover screams, "Buy me! I'm entirely gray!" But I think that's one of those tricks that only the hippest of the hip can pull off, you know, like that billboard for bail bondsmen I saw once, or a club with no sign on the door. But when you get in, it's lots of wholesome fun! Kitty Snacks! 3) You know who is also reading at Off Square soon (June 9)? That's right, Ace Atkins. He has a brand new novel out called THE RANGER. I'm halfway through it and loving every minute. Yes, government, Ace gave me a free advance reading copy, so what? Though THE RANGER is set in the here and now, Ace wanted it to have the feel of those great Burt Reynolds (or Joe Don Baker, pictured) revenge pics from the 1970s, popularly known as "hixploitation." And boy did he succeed, spectacularly! Now that I have given you the code, you can read the book on dual levels, because I know how much you enjoy doing that, experiencing things on dual levels. You love that! 4) Ace also loaned me an advance copy of THE END OF EVERYTHING by Megan Abbott. I read it and think it might be her best book yet, though it is so hard to pick just one! Were I to blurb it, I would say, "Do you like great writing and being really nervous and creeped out all the time? Even when you sleep? Do you want to be pulled down into a terrible and beautiful and inexorable nightmare, no, dream, no, nightmare, no, dream, no, nightmare? Then this is the book for you!" Also, SHE is coming here to read at the end of July so we have that to look forward to. 5) Megan's book just got a starred review from my sworn enemy Publishers Weekly! So this is the one thing we can agree on, PW and I, like characters making an unholy secret alliance on GAME OF THRONES. PS: My blurb might also say, "Abbott's beloved Freud glimmers darkly from every riveting page!" Ugh, that's awful. Just read the book! I keep blurbing Megan's books in retrospect. 6) Speaking of blurbs that will never happen, Kevin Brockmeier says something really, really nice about me in the new issue of the Oxford American, something too nice for me to repeat here, something that would make a perfect blurb, but as we have seen, no book of mine is ever going to come out ever again, not even the cat book that is alarming, confounding, and distressing publishers' flunkies the world over even as we speak, but I have the blurb ready to go, thanks to the generous and gracious Kevin Brockmeier, and I will always have it, and the book will never come out, no book will ever come out, so maybe they can just carve it on my gravestone, that thing that Kevin Brockmeier said. 7) The real attraction of the new OA (well, I haven't read the whole issue yet, it's usually all good!) is a sparkling new short story by Elizabeth Kaiser, also known as "Elizabeth" of "blog" fame. 8) And another former "student," John Oliver Hodges, has a really good and bold and moving article in there, too! It's a follow-up to his piece in the previous issue, also about his (and Elizabeth's) great mentor Barry Hannah. Speaking of which, the new Kitty Snacks (see #2 above) features several never-before-published full-color photographs that John took of Barry. He is not only a fine writer, John Oliver Hodges, but an accomplished photographer, yes, where do these people get all this talent? It makes me sick. I didn't teach John or Elizabeth a thing. 9) Check out John's novella WAR OF THE CRAZIES, just out from Main Street Rag press! Now that one, I really did blurb. Blurbs! Is there anything less useful? (Note to the government: yes, I read WAR OF THE CRAZIES in manuscript, but I won my actual copy in a raffle, I really did, so that doesn't count!) 10) Yes, John Brandon and I are in the new Kitty Snacks together AND we are in the new Oxford American together, just as we were in the previous issue of McSweeney's together. In fact, we are going to get an enormous shirt with two neckholes and just walk around like that from now on. 11) Are you still reading this? Don't lie to me! 12) McNeil has found what seems to be a series of mysteries featuring members of "the Rat Pack." It is not for me to say whether on the surface they appear to be the worst books ever written. After all, haven't we been told time and time again not to judge a book by its cover? Like, didn't I tell you that earlier in this "post"? I did! But it was so long ago you have probably forgotten. Look again. Still, the titles do not inspire confidence! There is one called EVERYBODY KILLS SOMEBODY SOMETIME - this dubious assertion a "play on words" inspired by the Dean Martin hit "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime." While I was checking to make sure this is a real mystery series (and it is, but those covers, they just don't LOOK real somehow... in fact they seem vaguely illegal to me) I ran across one not listed on McNeil's "link," one called LUCK BE A LADY, DON'T DIE. What does that EVEN MEAN? I "get" that it is supposed to be a "play on words" based on the song "Luck Be a Lady Tonight" from GUYS AND DOLLS, but it's just barely that, isn't it? And does it MEAN something? Isn't it just a string of words, I mean, isn't it? Well maybe these will turn out to be the greatest books ever written and I'm just a jerk. 13) The new "LaFa Shopper" got shoved into our mailbox yesterday, but once again John Arrechea IS MISSING! We do hear from Faylene Bryant with the breaking story "Vacation Bible School Approaching Fast," plus there's a column called "The Playhouse" in which one Camille Anding lists "Things I'd Like To Find" (dozens and dozens of them!) including "My keychain that remains hidden since last January" and "More movies as charming as 'The Sound of Music.'"

Cowboys and Novellas

Back when Michael Bible was my student, I gave him one great piece of advice: "Write novellas! The public craves novellas!" Here's your chance to prove me right! Come to Off Square Books tomorrow at 5 PM as Michael does a reading and signing of COWBOY MALONEY'S ELECTRIC CITY. And it's cheap! Like what you'd pay for one of your fancy electric books that exists in nonexistent electric form, except even though it has ELECTRIC in the title, Michael's book is FOR REAL and illustrated with illustrations and crafted as an object of art for you to hold and spill coffee on and enjoy. It's a wonderful book, full of booby traps and surprise parties in word form. (I think the only piece of advice I ever actually gave Michael was "Hey, you know that tiger at the end of that one story? Why not make it a zebra? It's more poignant!" And he did it. Sucker!) Speaking of cowboys, I was reading today in the New York Times that apoplectic radio talk show hosts are making fun of cowboy poetry...? That is a real thing for real, that they are doing that, yes, it is really something that gets under their skin for some reason, it is something worth blustering and spewing about apparently, though I would like to see them make fun of cowboy poetry to a cowboy's face. I really would like to see that, for real. For real, for real, I picked up a book of cowboy poetry on one of my raids of the free books in the library coffee shop. What's wrong with cowboy poetry? It's got two great things in it that every sane person loves: cowboys and poetry. And so does Michael Bible's new book!

Heads Up

The heads are coming! I am speaking of course of McSweeney's issue #36, which is in a box meant to resemble a head. Here is a look at a sample head, just back from the printer. I don't have my head yet, but I hear that heads are on the way. Do you see that book, slightly bent, near the front of the head? I believe (because of the big letters "MO" I can make out) it is my contribution to the issue - an 85-page "abridged novel" called JUNGLE GERONIMO IN GAY PAREE. I am happy to reiterate that JUNGLE GERONIMO IN GAY PAREE is beautifully illustrated, inside and out, by Michael Kupperman. Finally I will say that I chose L. P. Eaves as the pseudonym under which I wrote it. Only later, thanks to his hilarious piece in the most recent Oxford American, did I discover that Michael Kupperman sometimes uses the pen name P. Revess. The two names seem similar to me! But it was just a happy coincidence. And now I wish you a pleasant evening.

Barbara Billingsley

Sad to hear that Barbara Billingsley passed away. Mr. Ward and I worked with her a long time ago, and she could not have been sweeter or more professional. I recall that she had a cold, and we were working outside on a windy day and she never complained, but did everything with more dedication, grace, and aplomb than was necessary, and at long last we sent her away with a limo driver who rubbed his damp hands together a lot and skulked around looking suspicious, so that when the car pulled away, we said, "Well, that's the last anyone will ever see of Barbara Billingsley!" Mr. Ward tried to secretly videotape some of our conversation with her in her trailer, because we just couldn't believe we were talking to her, but I think all he got on camera was the top of her head. All I can recall now about that conversation is that she was mildly scolding Martin Sheen about something (in absentia). In closing, I will remark that LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (which plays an important part in the title novella of my second book) had some great, subtle writing and acting on it, especially in its early days, so you should take another look at it if you recall it as a cliché. The only thing that seemed to make Barbara Billingsley mad was when people talked about "June Cleaver vacuuming while wearing high-heeled shoes and pearls." THAT was the cliché, and it really steamed and insulted her, though of course she remained mild and gracious while expressing herself on the subject. I seem to recall that on the day we spoke, she was a tiny bit exasperated because Oprah had said something about it. So don't give Barbara Billingsley any guff, not today. Another day we'll try to figure out why she's wearing pearls in every single picture on the "internet." What a nice person. Bye, Barbara Billingsley!

It's All In Your Head

I see they are advertising this over at McSweeney's now, so I guess I can tell you about it. I have a piece coming out in issue #36! It's, well, I don't know what it is. I call it "an abridged novel." My contribution is 85 pages long and brilliantly illustrated - 10 different pictures! - by Michael Kupperman. Also in the issue: Michael Chabon, Colm Tóibín, and my friend and neighbor John Brandon. It all comes in a box meant to resemble a human head. You can "click" here for the details, but I think I have already given you the details. Here's the head from ZARDOZ again.

Owls Are Back and Bigger Than Ever

To quote myself, "It is always awesome to include an owl in all your short stories." I was reminded of the great truth of my own words as I read tomorrow's story for my ghost class (You didn't know I teach a ghost class? Well, maybe you don't know everything about me after all!): "The Familiar" by Sheridan Le Fanu. Like all good fiction, it has an owl in it. Do I practice what I preach? You bet I do! The title novella of my book YOUR BODY IS CHANGING has an owl in the first sentence, and I liked it so much that I put owls in some of the other stories in that book, I forget how many, at least two others. Were I to compose a book of advice for aspiring writers, which I never will, the first rule would be: "Writer's block? Why not put an owl in your story? Works like a charm!" After I read "The Familiar," I looked up owls in my various dictionaries of symbols, because that is a fun thing to do. A couple of them mention a belief from ancient China that baby owls peck out their parents' eyes. Shame on them! The DICTIONARY OF SYMBOLISM by Hans Biedermann pinpoints "a fable according to which owls learn to fly only when they have irreverently pecked out the eyes of their parents." Ha ha! Irreverently! Oh, Hans Biedermann. I recall that in her book THE WOMAN WARRIOR, Maxine Hong Kingston claims that her mother once cooked some owls. This brings everything together, because an elaborate banquet featuring owl is alluded to in one of my own aforementioned short stories. Don't worry, I didn't eat an owl in New Orleans. I like them too much! Even I have to draw the line somewhere. Plus they are never on the menu. There is no "owl" entry in THE OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD. Photo by McNeil.

Also There Was a Monkey

In the grand tradition of such hilarious "post" titles as "Arnold Stang in the Membrane" and "Tremain on the Brain," we had fully intended to entitle this "post" "Cain on the Brain" for your pleasure and enjoyment. But in the long run, we got off track, as you are about to see. Last night I finished reading HARDLY KNEW HER by Laura Lippman, an excellent collection of suspense stories that often put me in mind of Lippman's fellow Baltimorean Edgar A. Poe, because of a shared sense of dread and predestination, and characters just THIS CLOSE to being pushed over the edge. And then they are! Pushed over the edge, I mean. I thought about some of the darker Thurber stories, too, like the one about the whip-poor-will... stories of domestic suffocation. I was also reminded, while reading Lippman's absolutely masterful collection, of a blurb I've seen several times on Ross MacDonald's detective novels, saying that MacDonald writes not about crime, but sin. The same could be said of Lippman. Every time I finished a story in Lippman's book, it became my new favorite! So after I finished "Scratch a Woman," the terrific novella that concludes HARDLY KNEW HER, I read Lippman's afterword, in which she acknowledges her debt, particularly in the novella, to MILDRED PIERCE and DOUBLE INDEMNITY by James M. Cain. And as I was reading that, Theresa was lying right there next to me reading MILDRED PIERCE by James M. Cain! She's teaching it here at Ole Miss this semester. Not only that, but McNeil has made the leap from the major American delivery service to teaching a college course in film noir. He's teaching both the film and the book DOUBLE INDEMNITY. And he told me the other day that the book is even better than the movie. That's really something, coming from McNeil. So Cain is everywhere, I guess. Speaking of McNeil and movies, Theresa and I just finished watching a pretty crazy Mario Bava opus entitled 5 DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON. What the title means, I still have no idea. But all the way through the movie, I kept saying to Theresa, "McNeil would love this furniture!" Yes, it contained just the kind of furniture that McNeil always admires in a Jerry Lewis movie. Scads of it! One scene reminded me of a particular segment from Lewis's CRACKING UP: there's a big fight in 5 DOLLS during which a bunch of decorative glass balls are knocked off a table and onto some shag carpet. They roll down a flight of stairs, across some slick red tile and (here is where the comparison with Lewis ends) into a large bathtub that happens to be the scene of a murder. Otherwise, I might lazily describe 5 DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON as a cross between Antonioni and Matt Helm... Antonioni because it features a bunch of Italian characters (or people dubbed in Italian, anyway) aimlessly wandering around an island, and Matt Helm because of a prominently featured motorized round bed. Finally, not to bring things all the way back around (the way a motorized round bed might), I would like to confirm that yes, as predicted in our last "post" on the subject of Laura Lippman ("click" on her name, above), today's chapter of her serial in the New York Times magazine contains a beautiful summary of the film WHAT A WAY TO GO!, which we now quote in part: "Also there was a monkey. This struck Tess as the most trenchant bit of film criticism that she had ever heard from her father, something that could equal Andrew Sarris’s auteur theory. She would run this past Lloyd, the film student, the Tess Monaghan theory of awfulness in movies, summed up by one line: Also there was a monkey." Aside from the obvious typo (she must have meant "awesomeness," not "awfulness") the summation of WHAT A WAY TO GO! is well worth reading in full. Check it out! There are lots of spoilers, in case you care. But they are tantalizing ones, if you ask me! (Pictured, a scene from Billy Wilder's DOUBLE INDEMNITY. Fans of meaningless coincidence will wish to note when "clicking" on the previous "link" that the last time we mentioned Billy Wilder was EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO TODAY! [Remember when I "blogged" about Max Fleischer and then "blogged" about him again exactly one year later? Holy cow! Sometimes I start typing and can't stop. I think it's a recognized medical condition, no kidding. For example, now I'm going to tell you that according to that same Billy Wilder "post," we apparently watched an Italian horror movie one year ago today! But it was directed by Fulci, not Bava.] "Also there was a monkey" in Wilder's SUNSET BOULEVARD, but it was a dead monkey, so I wonder whether Tess Monaghan would make an exception.)

A Scoop!

You heard it here first, folks, direct from the source! Readers of Laura Lippman's continuing serial in the New York Times Sunday magazine should keep their eyes peeled in the upcoming weeks for what Lippman calls "a longish discussion of the Shirley MacLaine vehicle WHAT A WAY TO GO!" (The exclamation point is neither mine nor Lippman's - it's in the title.) It should be noted that by the wildest of coincidences, WHAT A WAY TO GO! came up during my recent luncheon with Kelly Hogan, Kathleen Judge, and Neko Case. Will it therefore appear in my Oxford American article? Wait and see! This is not a scoop about me, it is a scoop about Lippman, whose highly anticipated discussion of WAWTG offers, in her words, "a new theory of cinema, involving the inverse relationship between a film's quality and the presence of a chimpanzee in said film." I believe one of us is misunderstanding the word "inverse." If Lippman means to suggest that anything with a chimp in it is awesome, I concur wholeheartedly! (Pictured, MacLaine in WHAT A WAY TO GO!, standing in front of some art made by the Paul Newman character - with the help, if I am recalling the plot correctly, of his wily chimpanzee. The point of a lot of movies and TV shows of the 1960s seemed to be that we are suckers for enjoying "modern" art because a chimp could make it - unlike movies and TV, as I suppose went the unspoken corollary. The teenage protagonist of my B+ novella "Your Body Is Changing" considers the situation as it has been presented to him in popular culture: "Henry knew that a lot of times people just pretended to like art so they could be cool. They would stand around and drink alcohol and eat weenies on toothpicks and make a big deal about some piece of junk that was supposed to be great art, but then it would turn out to be nothing but a knocked-over garbage can or a no-smoking sign or a spot on the floor where somebody had thrown up, which was a situation that Henry had observed in many comedy movies. Like the one where the supposedly great artist had trained a monkey to ride around on a tricycle with paint on the wheels, and that was how he had made his supposedly great art!" So you can see that I am torn. I love chimps in movies, yet I am not crazy about the way they are used to belittle the role of the artist in society! It is not the chimp's fault! Speaking of Paul Newman and chimps, he also appeared with one in another exclamation pointed title, RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAG, BOYS!, as has been noted on the "blog.")

Literary Matters

Just finished PICTURES AT A REVOLUTION, in which the feeble fleshly casing of Bob Hope serves as a repository for all that is evil in the world. I'm so sensitive! I just take up for Bob because he's not around anymore to do it for himself. Aside from my tenderness on that subject, I found it a most agreeable book and do recommend it to one and all. Next up, not that you care, the novel RAVEL by Jean Echenoz, who I believe once wrote a novel set in heaven, using Dean Martin as a character. I need to find that one. Not that you care, but I bought RAVEL at McNally-Robinson in NYC, where I was doing a reading with Pia Z. Ehrhardt, who happens by coincidence to love the composer Ravel, after whom the novel is named. I could just "blog" like this all night long. For example, I could tell you that while I was rummaging around for the next thing to read, I almost settled on one of those books I got for next to nothing at a yard sale right before our move: THREE WAYS OF THOUGHT IN ANCIENT CHINA by the delightful old-school translator Arthur Waley, whose work was first introduced to me by my late friend Eugene Walter. If I did intend to "blog" all night, I would go on to say that I used a snippet of a Waley translation in the title novella of YOUR BODY IS CHANGING. And I might even go on to say that I opened tonight's Waley book to a passage, attributed to Chuang Tzu, which seems to fit in with the philosophy of the "blog" as expressed by Jasper Johns: Chuang Tzu and a pal of his are talking about the uselessness of a big old gnarled tree and Chuang Tzu is like, "What does not invite the axe/ No creature will harm/ What cannot be used/ No troubles will befall." And I was like, "Yeah." In our final literary matter, I received mere hours ago a surprise phone call from the great David Simon, co-creator of THE WIRE, to whom I could only babble in wonderment, but who was very nice to me, advising that I should keep doing what I do, "even if it ends in tragedy." He was, he reported, at the same bar, drinking the same thing (sangria) he had been drinking when he called me last year. I'm going to expect a call every year now, like a new holiday. I had the extra special pleasure of speaking with the great and equally kind Laura Lippman as well. I took the opportunity to congratulate her on being included in the "Tournament of Books" over there on The Morning News "web" site. An impressive short list on which to sit, though she was genuinely modest about it. These conclude our literary matters. Forever.

Three Pernods

We like to take note of such things: the last three books I have read - ANSWERED PRAYERS, THE DUD AVOCADO, and PLAY IT AS IT LAYS (I'm almost finished) contained scenes of Pernod consumption. Pernod is crucial to the first chapter of AVOCADO. Starting in chapter 47 of PLAY IT AS IT LAYS, a Pernod-sipping hypnotist occasionally appears. These are the things of which we take note! These are the things for which "blogging" was invented. These are the things we do instead of "writing." P.S. In the title novella of my first book, the narrator gets into some trouble after drinking a few large water glasses of Pernod. Gosh, it really makes you think!

Faces

Mr. Ward called me after Tom Poston died, upset by an obituary he saw in a major newspaper. It described Mr. Poston as "the pasty faced comedian." "This is his obituary!" Mr. Ward said. "They can't give the guy a break?" Well, today the New York Times referred to the face of Jerry Mathers as "half owlish, half doughy." It was not an obituary, thank goodness! (Mr. Mathers famously has been the subject of premature obituaries, and I do not wish this to be mistaken for such.) But still... my goodness! There must be better ways of describing a person's face. Moving on, the article mentions the play BOEING, BOEING in which Mr. Mathers appeared onstage with Tony Dow, who of course played his brother on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. I already knew about this reunion from reading Mr. Mathers's autobiography for work (long story. On an unrelated note, Mr. Mathers also plays a key role in the title novella of my new book). I have always wanted to mention here at the "blog" the fascinating fact that JERRY Mathers took the JERRY Lewis role (from the film version of BOEING, BOEING) and TONY Dow took the TONY Curtis role! Wow! Stuff like that really gets me worked up! Crazy! But I have never had any "internet" corroboration... until now. Finally, speaking of Jerry Lewis, everyone should be aware that the second box set of Martin & Lewis films comes out today.

My Qualifications

Okay! Just in case I do have the attention of Robert Osborne, as my demented speculations suggest, I am going to lay out very clearly all the reasons I should be a guest programmer on TCM. 1) My Cartoon Network project has gone belly up, so there is no conceivable conflict of interest within the Turner empire. 2) I watch TCM all the time, as evidenced - to give but one paltry example - by numerous "blog" references to Guy Kibbee. 3) I often write "literature" in which movies play a role. For example, one character in the title novella of my first book has a nightmare about Dean Martin. In real life, I once had a nightmare after watching the Martin film ADA on TCM... but my nightmare involved not Mr. Martin, but Wilfrid Hyde-White (pictured), who played the villain in the piece. Do you hear me? I actually have nightmares about Wilfrid Hyde White! See? Just the fact that I know who Wilfrid Hyde-White IS should get me a spot on TCM! 4) I have written about movies in a magazine. 5) I don't know if you are located in Los Angeles or New York, but you can set up a "shoot" on June 14th because I have most of that day free in New York... or the same goes for June 22nd in L.A. Great! So have your people call my people and we'll get this thing rolling!

Last Chance

National Rewrite Your Novel Month is coming to a close, but if your novel is short you still have time to join in the fun! And of course, if you have a novella, the last week of National Rewrite Your Novel Month has been officially designated Rewrite Your Novella Week. Well, I will be participating in a big National Rewrite Your Novel Month event today - think of a pie eating contest, except with novels instead of pies and rewriting instead of eating. It takes place at the Greater Gulf State Fairgrounds, and Black Oak Arkansas is providing the music, so come on down! I'm looking forward to the competition, but that means no more "blogging" today. I'll leave you with a "blog" preview for the coming week: watch out for a continuation of Jeff McNeil's investigative report on the Pitcairn island chain, including a fascinating look at the castaway chimp of Henderson Island. No fair "Googling" the story prematurely! Just sit tight and enjoy the anticipation.

No Cause For Alarm

I know I've mentioned it before, but the "blog" is shutting down for a few days while the old "blogmaster" heads out to appear on a panel. I've given you plenty to do so you shouldn't get into any trouble while I'm gone. And once you finish the quiz, why not work on your imaginary anthology? Today we're adding a new story to that one: "Do Not Disturb" by A.M. Homes. It's a dilly! We'll keep adding stories until we hit 30 of them. I have ascertained that all good anthologies contain exactly 30 stories. I don't think anyone will bother disputing the fact. Once your special anthology is put together in a tidy fashion, maybe you'll want to work on a haiku or novella for our other imaginary anthology. See? There's no need to get "blue"! You'll be perfectly fine without me. Or, if you just can't stand it, I suppose for your own good you should buy my book to keep you company. But only if it is absolutely medically necessary and prescribed by your doctor. Now dry those eyes.