Your Life Will Change

You HAVE to come to the Powerhouse Theatre in Oxford tomorrow (tonight? THURSDAY!) to have a life-changing experience. Once again, that's TOMORROW NIGHT (Thursday the 19th) at the Powerhouse Theatre. Did you hear me? I GUARANTEE it will change your life! I know firsthand. The people performing there LITERALLY changed my life, as you can see in this old "link" ("click" it, you lazy fool! It's much better than this). Dr. Theresa and I had dinner tonight with Bill Taft and Caroline Young and Will Fratesi (drummer for Cat Power; you super cool dummies have heard of that!). Tomorrow they'll be performing at the Powerhouse, as I said. You may recall Bill from the day we had a tornado and he blew all my students' minds anyway, more than a tornado. COME LET HIM BLOW YOUR MIND MORE THAN A TORNADO. Tonight we found out that Bill's daughter is at Yale and writing for the school paper there! WHAT! I thought she was a baby! (See also.) Tonight Caroline and I recalled when we were eating Chinese food in Washington, D.C., the night Bill's daughter was born, and taking bets on what her name would be. I said "Lily" and Caroline said "Veronica." I was closer. "You had more letters," Caroline admitted tonight. Caroline (as you will see if you "click" on that interview, you goober) has had perhaps the greatest influence of any human on my life... she introduced me to Dr. Theresa for example! Bill and Caroline were in our wedding. Patti Smith and Bill once played together! WHAT, are you better than Patti Smith? I kind of thought not! COME ON OUT. Will and I were talking about when he used to deliver pizza to Dr. Theresa and me. Those were good times! I think he was even playing with Cat Power then. Musicians have to hold down many jobs! Being a musician is hard! Will would come over bearing a pizza we had ordered and then we'd all sit down and watch THE SIMPSONS together. Here's the point: COME TO THE POWERHOUSE THURSDAY AT SEVEN. The hard-to-find and truly life-changing documentary BENJAMIN SMOKE will be playing then too! Once I rode illegally in the back of a furniture truck with Benjamin and we peed in a coffee can and he coerced me into stealing a shirt. I DON'T STEAL! Come see the movie and maybe you'll "get it." And there is free food THURSDAY NIGHT - made by the geniuses at Oxford Canteen! - and free vodka. I guess you'd have to be an idiot of the highest order to stay home. If your life doesn't change I WILL GIVE YOUR MONEY BACK even though IT IS ALL ABSOLUTELY FREE.

Wistful Urchin Face

I watched the first three minutes of that Red Skelton sad clown movie. Guess who (according to the credits) is in the Red Skelton sad clown movie and TWIN PEAKS? Jane Greer! (And guess who's in TWIN PEAKS and this season of JUSTIFIED, which I was coincidentally dvr'ing while watching TWIN PEAKS? Alicia Witt!) The Red Skelton sad clown movie starts out with the clown and his kid, who has strategic smudges of dirt daubed on his wistful urchin face for extra wistfulness and urchin cred, AND a Goober hat! Red Skelton runs onstage and a dwarf tries to hit him with a plank, to the delight of all. Then Red Skelton shocks the dwarf in the behind with something like a cattle prod. Then Red Skelton and the dwarf use their weapons to very aggressively and without warning harass the paying customers of an amusement park. That's their job! That's a weird job.

Escape to Peanut Island

As requested, Mr. Ward sent some precious "Goober Memories" yet even though they include an exciting incident of Thelma Lou freaking out I have decided I don't care about that anymore. What I do care about is Mr. Ward's postscript, which follows: "And speaking of goobers (sorry, but it really is a great segue) I'm in Florida right now preparing to do a shoot on Peanut Island. What is Peanut Island you ask? Well, it's a tiny manmade island off the coast of West Palm Beach where they built a top secret fallout shelter for JFK in 1961... The entrance looks kind of like the hatch in 'Lost.' I'll send you some pictures for your blog."

Goober Died

Goober died. McNeil sent me an email that said "GOOBER" followed by six exclamation points. I will ask Mr. Ward for some Goober memories because as you recall Mr. Ward once drove Goober around in a car.

Goober's Light

I just remembered something about Goober. I read in his autobiography that he always travels with his own light bulb, because the light in hotel rooms is too dim. Minnie Pearl gave him that tip. I think I'm remembering all this correctly. If I'm not, who cares?

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

Welcome once again to "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up," your ONE spot on the "internet" for all the latest news of the entertainment celebrity stars. The stars were out in full force last night: Billy Barty! Goober! Slim Pickens! "Ma" from THE GRAPES OF WRATH! William "Blacula" Marshall! Mr. Haney from GREEN ACRES! Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD! What could bring together this luminous constellation for one spectacular evening? Why, a fascinating and disturbing episode of the old TV show THE ALFRED HITCHCOCK HOUR that Dr. Theresa and I watched, of course. It came on one of the Encore channels. They must cater to a peculiar demographic. Blacula has a long speech about the origins of humanity while Mr. Haney sinks in quicksand! Goober delivers a harrowing, tormented monologue, one long take in close-up. Harrowing Goober! I will not hesitate to say that it was Goober's finest moment. I have probably told you this before, but Mr. Ward was once tasked with driving Goober around in a car, never mind why. And Goober kept complaining that he was trained to perform Shakespeare but nobody cared. That's it for this edition of "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up." Until next time... keep reaching for the stars!

Call of the Crabs

Yes! To answer your inevitable question, with the approach of Halloween, Dr. Theresa and I have indeed begun our annual scary movie festival. First up: ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS. The monsters are fun because they look and move like Mardi Gras floats bumping along. I won't say it's the most auspicious beginning we've ever had, but the movie turned out to be entertaining to talk about later - more entertaining than it seemed while we were watching it. In fact, Dr. Theresa and I woke spontaneously in the dead of night and started talking about ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS - odd, because people in ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS awake in the dead of night (and now there will be some spoilers) and hear the voices of their dead friends calling to them... their dead friends who have been eaten by the crab monsters! For you see, when the giant crab eats your brain, your mind goes into its stomach! That's what really happens in this movie. And the evil crabs announce their plans to the doomed band of human survivors: to "rest in a cave" and think up more evil plans! That's really what they say: that they want to "rest in caves" as soon as they get rid of these pesky humans, so they can figure out what to do next. Speaking of eating things, how about this package of Grandma's brand artificially flavored sandwich creme cookies (above) found by "Blog" Deputy Rhea, with its strange asterisked promise of bounty? And one more thing about eating things. My brother-in-law David found a bunch of old pictures that doctors used to hang in their offices to promote good nutrition. Scroll down until you see "Tommy Teen." His head is made of strawberry ice cream and he has a whole bottle of mustard in front of him. Not good signs, medically speaking, which is the point. As David notes, Tommy Teen is wearing a Goober hat, once of such importance to the "blog."

Goober Hat Debacle

Gosh, I was going to get everybody on the planet wearing Goober hats in 2010, and I forgot. I used to be ABOUT something, man! Too late now, I guess. OR IS IT? I think this is the first time I've even mentioned Goober hats in 2010. I'm such a loser. (Like so many of the "internet's" best Goober hat pictures, this one comes from a "blog" called "I'm Learning to Share.")

New Year's "Blog"olutions

1) Goober hats for one and all 2) "The Year of Repressive Desublimation" 3) don't let my computer blow up 4) let you know if my interminably and inexplicably delayed novel ever comes out (hint: It won't!) 5) return to our core values of Jerry Lewis, monkeys, UFOs, and oatmeal 6) new guiding emblem and motto 7) finally "blog" about every state in the Union

Thought Experiment

I have been imagining everyone I know, including myself, wearing a Goober or Jughead hat, and WE ALL LOOK GREAT! Now you try it. Your results will be the same.

Goober In a Void

I am sure that like me you tossed and turned all night, thinking about the man who gave George "Goober" Lindsey a comic book - yes, a comic book that called the very meaning of Goober's life into question! If you will recall, it contained a character named Goober, who wore a hat like Goober's, yet this comic book predated Mr. Lindsey's characterization, and Mr. Lindsey knew nothing of it. I imagine that Goober's world fell out from under him as he gazed on the doppelgänger that made a mockery of everything tangible in this dismal existence. (The man writes in his "mailing list thread," with a touch of conspiratorial paranoia, "this could hardly be a coincidence," but I disagree! I fear it was a cruel cosmic joke.) Goober probably had a lot of troubling thoughts when he saw that comic book, thoughts like, "My life has been a lie!" Like, "Strip me of my nickname and trademark hat, and what am I?" Like, "At the end of the day, who am I, really? For the love of God, WHO AM I?" That's what Goober probably thought. Then I imagine he couldn't stop sobbing. "Double Trouble" indeed!

The "Internet" Never Stops!

I don't understand what this "web" site is exactly, but on it I find a note about that comic book about a kid named Goober who wears a hat like Goober's but apparently has nothing to do with the Goober we all know and love. Says some guy, "Double Trouble with Goober was a short-lived comic book from the early 1950s. It was about a little boy who got into mischief, and it was obviously inspired by Dennis the Menace... A number of years ago I gave one of these comic books to George Lindsey, and he said he'd never heard of it."

I Love You, "Internet"

Hey! Thanks to the "internet" I found an extensive history of the Jughead/Goober hat!

Pendarvis Predicts! 2010 Edition

Look for those hats that Goober and Jughead wear to come back into style. (Below: Is this the same Goober? He's wearing the same hat! I'm confused. Happily so!)

The Borgnine Presumption

... was a great Robert Ludlum novel. Ha ha! I never get tired of that joke. Because I'm a hack. So, Brian Z. wonders if the ernieborgnine on Twitter is, as he claims, THE Ernest Borgnine. I say, "Why not?" His tweeterings are about things like a successful trip to the dentist and watching HONG KONG PHOOEY with his grandson. If they are parody, they are the most benign and charmingly pointless parody imaginable. And Mr. "Borgnine's" writing style jibes completely with what I know of it from his preface to George "Goober" Lindsey's autobiography GOOBER IN A NUTSHELL, which was given to me by Mr. Ward as a birthday present some years ago. A representative passage: "Once, on my birthday, a great, big box was delivered to my door. I opened it up and inside was a huge, championship stuffed turkey, a gift from George. I still have that gigantic turkey in the Lincoln Room in my house. Another year George gave me a huge toy ape with a little toy baby kitten tucked around its shoulders. I take that ape everywhere I go. I’m gonna leave it to my grandkids one day. George is more than just a friend. He’s a hope. And he should be to everyone in the country and the world."

Goober Says Hey

This nugget from reluctant "blog" participant Mark Childress, who always keeps a finger on the cultural pulse: Look who has his very own film festival! We don't mean to make sport... it's just surprising. This has been going on for ten years - TEN YEARS! - and we had no idea.