He's Back!

Going to cut-and-paste an email I sent to McNeil and say it's a "blog" "post." Sometimes that's the way I do it. Other times I take an email FROM McNeil and cut-and-paste it and call it a "blog" "post." That's just the kind of variety you've come to expect from the "blog." Now for that email: "Was reading in the New York Times about how Trump wants to go to Fort Knox and make sure the gold is still there, ha ha! And the article traces the conspiracy back to this guy you used to email me about, Peter Beter, the man with the hilarious name. I think he’s the one who claimed Jimmy Carter had been replaced by a robot. Good to see his work hasn’t been forgotten." End of email. In conclusion, if you "click" on the Peter Beter "link" above, you will see that McNeil was talking about him ten years ago! McNeil was ahead of the times, just like when he discovered that gin and raisins cure arthritis. Please consult your physician before going on a diet of gin and raisins.

McNeil Defeats Centenarian

So, I just saw this New York Times headline: "This 105-Year-Old Beat Covid. She Credits Gin-Soaked Raisins." I haven't read the article, because who needs to read the article when you have a headline like that? I would, however, like to point out that McNeil was telling us about the curative powers of gin-soaked raisins on this "blog" well over a decade ago ("click" here).

McNeil Month By Month

As every good citizen is aware, today is McNeil's birthday! And you know what that means: another edition of "McNeil Month By Month," which allows you to sit snugly in your home and "click" "link" after "link" about what McNeil has done "month" after "month." September 2006: McNeil contends that he does not enjoy the "Little Dot" comic book. October 2006: McNeil furnishes a memorable quotation. November 2006: McNeil recalls playing Aerosmith on a jukebox. December 2006: First appearance of "McNeil's Movie Korner." January 2007: McNeil's system for winning at craps. February 2007: McNeil doesn't see what's so hard about reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich at the same time. March 2007: McNeil and I are talking about Bob Denver when HE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION! April 2007: Wild turkeys roam McNeil's neighborhood. May 2007: McNeil gets in touch with an Australian reporter regarding a historical chimp. June 2007: First McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival announced. July 2007: Medicine changes McNeil's taste buds. August 2007: McNeil's trees not producing apples. September 2007: McNeil pinpoints a problem with the "blog." October 2007: McNeil presents a video entitled "Jerry's pre-defecation chills." November 2007: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. December 2007: What is McNeil's favorite movie? January 2008: McNeil explains why the wind blows. February 2008: McNeil admires the paintings of Gerhard Richter. March 2008: McNeil comes up with an idea for a Lifetime TV movie. April 2008: McNeil's shirt. May 2008: McNeil's apple tree doing better (see August 2007). June 2008: McNeil is troubled by a man who wants to make clouds in the shape of logos. July 2008: McNeil's apples are doing great. August 2008: McNeil refuses to acknowledge that Goofy wears a hat no matter what I say. September 2008: McNeil's grocery store is permanently out of his favorite margarine. October 2008: McNeil on the space elevator. November 2008: McNeil comes across an incomplete episode guide to HELLO, LARRY. December 2008: McNeil thinks the human hand should have more fingers. January 2009: McNeil discovers that gin and raisins cure arthritis. February 2009: McNeil sees a ****** ******* awesome rainbow. March 2009: McNeil wants a job on a cruise ship. April 2009: McNeil attempts to rescue a wayward balloon. May 2009: McNeil visits the Frogtown Fair. June 2009: McNeil dreams he is watching an endless production number from LI'L ABNER. July 2009: McNeil sends text messages from his cell phone while watching a Frank Sinatra movie. August 2009: McNeil disagrees philosophically with a comic book cover that shows a mad scientist putting a gorilla's brain in a superhero's body. September 2009: McNeil resembles famed boxing trainer Freddie Roach. October 2009: McNeil's birthday celebrated with an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month." November 2009: McNeil reports that a bird broke the large hadron collider by dropping a bread crumb on it. December 2009: McNeil advises me to like the universe or lump it. January 2010: McNeil eats soup. February 2010: McNeil tells of the hidden civilizations living deep beneath the surface of the earth. March 2010: McNeil recalls a carpet of his youth. April 2010: McNeil starts wearing a necktie. May 2010: McNeil's DNA sample fails to yield results. June 2010: McNeil thinks up some improvements for the movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. July 2010: McNeil reads to me from I, THE JURY. August 2010: McNeil finds a hair in his crab cake. September 2010: McNeil has a cold. October 2010: McNeil's favorite MAD MEN character is Stan. November 2010: McNeil sits in his car and looks at pictures of Jennifer Jones. December 2010: McNeil fears a ball of fire in the sky. January 2011: McNeil watches DYNASTY. February 2011: McNeil sees clouds that look like guys on horseback. March 2011: McNeil composes a "still life" photograph. April 2011: McNeil is upset when I interrupt his viewing of MATCH GAME. May 2011: McNeil pines for some old curtains. June 2011: McNeil eats Lucky Charms brand breakfast cereal. July 2011: McNeil investigates the history of the Phar-Mor drugstore chain. August 2011: McNeil compares Dean Moriarty to Dean Martin. September 2011: McNeil learns a lesson about pork and beans. October 2011: McNeil finds an article describing Robert Mitchum as "Bing Crosby supersaturated with barbiturates." November 2011: McNeil did nothing in November. December 2011: McNeil discovers scientists creating rainbows in a laboratory. January 2012: McNeil impersonates Paul Lynde. February 2012: McNeil dreams of matches. March 2012: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy (see November 2007, above) used to chart the influence of Jerry Lewis on Carson McCullers. April 2012: McNeil disturbed by the art in his hotel room. May 2012: McNeil considers grave robbing. June 2012: McNeil's idea for "music television." July 2012: McNeil holds his negative feelings in check out of respect when the man who invented electric football dies. August 2012: McNeil reads me an old obituary of Charlie Callas over the phone. September 2012: McNeil concerned about T.J. Hooker's big meaty hands. October 2012: McNeil eats lunch at Target. November 2012: McNeil loves it when Bob Hope slips on a banana peel. December 2012: McNeil sees rocks that look like squirrels. January 2013: McNeil looks at an old, faded photo of a dog gazing into a Bath and Tile Emporium. February 2013: McNeil watches a video in which a hooded figure talks about "our criminal overlords." March 2013: McNeil wakes up at 6:40 in the evening, momentarily thinks it is 6:40 in the morning. April 2013: McNeil sees a singer who looks just like Bill Clinton. May 2013: McNeil is ashamed of himself for not realizing that Ida Lupino directed some episodes of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. June 2013: McNeil mails a cashew tree. July 2013: McNeil watches GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN. August 2013: McNeil recalls being rosy-cheeked. September 2013: A fairyland goes on in McNeil's head. Illustration by Michael Kupperman: a career McNeil considered (see May 2012).

Currant Events

I went crazy and bought some kind of black currant juice at the grocery store. Must be a midlife crisis! Then I was thinking WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH CURRANTS? So I decided to look them up in the old OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD. But now I'm just confused, because currants "have nothing to do with currants" according to the OXFORD COMPANION TO FOOD... I exaggerate through selectively truncated quotation! Still, one kind of currant is nothing but a dried grape. But were the juice made of that, I guess they'd call it grape juice, or raisin juice (the latter not so farfetched! Consider prune juice [Oh God, is this what has become of me?]). Anyhow, turns out there's nothing interesting about currants. Normally when I "google" a terrible pun such as "Currant Events," I do so with fear, anxiety, despair and remorse. In this case, however, I am almost gleeful to find out how many times such a terrible pun has been made on the "internet" (though this one might, to a significant percentage, be a typo rather than a pun). There were 17,200 matches, you will be happy to know, including a "Currant Events Festival" in La Valle, Wisconsin, and a "Currant Events" newsletter from a troupe called the "Red Currant Collective" who appear, based on the picture at their homepage, to do interpretative dance in a breezy glade. In conclusion I will mention this morning's email from McNeil, in which he has a brilliant idea about getaway cars in case we ever decide to commit a crime. I can't reveal McNeil's astonishing plan! (See also, McNeil's surefire system for winning at craps.)

McNeil Month By Month

It's the most important day of the year: McNeil's birthday! And if you don't know that, I think we can agree that you're nothing but a piece of garbage. But that's okay! You can turn things around by enjoying this year's installment of "McNeil Month By Month," where we examine what McNeil does month by month. September 2006: McNeil contends that he does not enjoy the "Little Dot" comic book. October 2006: McNeil furnishes a memorable quotation. November 2006: McNeil recalls playing Aerosmith on a jukebox. December 2006: First appearance of "McNeil's Movie Korner." January 2007: McNeil's system for winning at craps. February 2007: McNeil doesn't see what's so hard about reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich at the same time. March 2007: McNeil and I are talking about Bob Denver when HE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION! April 2007: Wild turkeys roam McNeil's neighborhood. May 2007: McNeil gets in touch with an Australian reporter regarding a historical chimp. June 2007: First McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival announced. July 2007: Medicine changes McNeil's taste buds. August 2007: McNeil's trees not producing apples. September 2007: McNeil pinpoints a problem with the "blog." October 2007: McNeil presents a video entitled "Jerry's pre-defecation chills." November 2007: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. December 2007: What is McNeil's favorite movie? January 2008: McNeil explains why the wind blows. February 2008: McNeil admires the paintings of Gerhard Richter. March 2008: McNeil comes up with an idea for a Lifetime TV movie. April 2008: McNeil's shirt. May 2008: McNeil's apple tree doing better (see August 2007). June 2008: McNeil is troubled by a man who wants to make clouds in the shape of logos. July 2008: McNeil's apples are doing great. August 2008: McNeil refuses to acknowledge that Goofy wears a hat no matter what I say. September 2008: McNeil's grocery store is permanently out of his favorite margarine. October 2008: McNeil on the space elevator. November 2008: McNeil comes across an incomplete episode guide to HELLO, LARRY. December 2008: McNeil thinks the human hand should have more fingers. January 2009: McNeil discovers that gin and raisins cure arthritis. February 2009: McNeil sees a ****** ******* awesome rainbow. March 2009: McNeil wants a job on a cruise ship. April 2009: McNeil attempts to rescue a wayward balloon. May 2009: McNeil visits the Frogtown Fair. June 2009: McNeil dreams he is watching an endless production number from LI'L ABNER. July 2009: McNeil sends text messages from his cell phone while watching a Frank Sinatra movie. August 2009: McNeil disagrees philosophically with a comic book cover that shows a mad scientist putting a gorilla's brain in a superhero's body. September 2009: McNeil resembles famed boxing trainer Freddie Roach. October 2009: McNeil's birthday celebrated with an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month." November 2009: McNeil reports that a bird broke the large hadron collider by dropping a bread crumb on it. December 2009: McNeil advises me to like the universe or lump it. January 2010: McNeil eats soup. February 2010: McNeil tells of the hidden civilizations living deep beneath the surface of the earth. March 2010: McNeil recalls a carpet of his youth. April 2010: McNeil starts wearing a necktie. May 2010: McNeil's DNA sample fails to yield results. June 2010: McNeil thinks up some improvements for the movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. July 2010: McNeil reads to me from I, THE JURY. August 2010: McNeil finds a hair in his crab cake. September 2010: McNeil has a cold. October 2010: McNeil's favorite MAD MEN character is Stan. November 2010: McNeil sits in his car and looks at pictures of Jennifer Jones. December 2010: McNeil fears a ball of fire in the sky. January 2011: McNeil watches DYNASTY. February 2011: McNeil sees clouds that look like guys on horseback. March 2011: McNeil composes a "still life" photograph. April 2011: McNeil is upset when I interrupt his viewing of MATCH GAME. May 2011: McNeil pines for some old curtains. June 2011: McNeil eats Lucky Charms brand breakfast cereal. July 2011: McNeil investigates the history of the Phar-Mor drugstore chain. August 2011: McNeil compares Dean Moriarty to Dean Martin. September 2011: McNeil learns a lesson about pork and beans. October 2011: McNeil finds an article describing Robert Mitchum as "Bing Crosby supersaturated with barbiturates." November 2011: McNeil did nothing in November. December 2011: McNeil discovers scientists creating rainbows in a laboratory. January 2012: McNeil impersonates Paul Lynde. February 2012: McNeil dreams of matches. March 2012: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy (see November 2007, above) used to chart the influence of Jerry Lewis on Carson McCullers. April 2012: McNeil disturbed by the art in his hotel room. May 2012: McNeil considers grave robbing. June 2012: McNeil's idea for "music television." July 2012: McNeil holds his negative feelings in check out of respect when the man who invented electric football dies. August 2012: McNeil reads me an old obituary of Charlie Callas over the phone. September 2012: McNeil concerned about T.J. Hooker's big meaty hands. What will McNeil do in October - and in all the months and years and eons to come? Stay tuned to find out!

McNeil Month By Month

You know what today is: McNeil's birthday. And that means it's time for another timely "blog" look back at "McNeil Month By Month." Spend McNeil's special day "clicking" on him, won't you? September 2006: McNeil contends that he does not enjoy the "Little Dot" comic book. October 2006: McNeil furnishes a memorable quotation. November 2006: McNeil recalls playing Aerosmith on a jukebox. December 2006: First appearance of "McNeil's Movie Korner." January 2007: McNeil's system for winning at craps. February 2007: McNeil doesn't see what's so hard about reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich at the same time. March 2007: McNeil and I are talking about Bob Denver when HE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION! April 2007: Wild turkeys roam McNeil's neighborhood. May 2007: McNeil gets in touch with an Australian reporter regarding a historical chimp. June 2007: First McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival announced. July 2007: Medicine changes McNeil's taste buds. August 2007: McNeil's trees not producing apples. September 2007: McNeil pinpoints a problem with the "blog." October 2007: McNeil presents a video entitled "Jerry's pre-defecation chills." November 2007: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. December 2007: What is McNeil's favorite movie? January 2008: McNeil explains why the wind blows. February 2008: McNeil admires the paintings of Gerhard Richter. March 2008: McNeil comes up with an idea for a Lifetime TV movie. April 2008: McNeil's shirt. May 2008: McNeil's apple tree doing better (see August 2007). June 2008: McNeil is troubled by a man who wants to make clouds in the shape of logos. July 2008: McNeil's apples are doing great. August 2008: McNeil refuses to acknowledge that Goofy wears a hat no matter what I say. September 2008: McNeil's grocery store is permanently out of his favorite margarine. October 2008: McNeil on the space elevator. November 2008: McNeil comes across an incomplete episode guide to HELLO, LARRY. December 2008: McNeil thinks the human hand should have more fingers. January 2009: McNeil discovers that gin and raisins cure arthritis. February 2009: McNeil sees a ****** ******* awesome rainbow. March 2009: McNeil wants a job on a cruise ship. April 2009: McNeil attempts to rescue a wayward balloon. May 2009: McNeil visits the Frogtown Fair. June 2009: McNeil dreams he is watching an endless production number from LI'L ABNER. July 2009: McNeil sends text messages from his cell phone while watching a Frank Sinatra movie. August 2009: McNeil disagrees philosophically with a comic book cover that shows a mad scientist putting a gorilla's brain in a superhero's body. September 2009: McNeil resembles famed boxing trainer Freddie Roach. October 2009: McNeil's birthday celebrated with an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month." November 2009: McNeil reports that a bird broke the large hadron collider by dropping a bread crumb on it. December 2009: McNeil advises me to like the universe or lump it. January 2010: McNeil eats soup. February 2010: McNeil tells of the hidden civilizations living deep beneath the surface of the earth. March 2010: McNeil recalls a carpet of his youth. April 2010: McNeil starts wearing a necktie. May 2010: McNeil's DNA sample fails to yield results. June 2010: McNeil thinks up some improvements for the movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. July 2010: McNeil reads to me from I, THE JURY. August 2010: McNeil finds a hair in his crab cake. September 2010: McNeil has a cold. October 2010: McNeil's favorite MAD MEN character is Stan. November 2010: McNeil sits in his car and looks at pictures of Jennifer Jones. December 2010: McNeil fears a ball of fire in the sky. January 2011: McNeil watches DYNASTY. February 2011: McNeil sees clouds that look like guys on horseback. March 2011: McNeil composes a "still life" photograph. April 2011: McNeil is upset when I interrupt his viewing of MATCH GAME. May 2011: McNeil pines for some old curtains. June 2011: McNeil eats Lucky Charms brand breakfast cereal. July 2011: McNeil investigates the history of the Phar-Mor drugstore chain. August 2011: McNeil compares Dean Moriarty to Dean Martin. September 2011: McNeil learns a lesson about pork and beans. McNeil hasn't done anything in October yet, but it's early! I'll let you know. Pictured, "Stan" from MAD MEN (see October 2010).

A Fresh Rupture

Who should I run into in the library today but my smart ex-student? And we happened to notice a little booklet wedged between heftier volumes in the medical section, and we dislodged it and had a nice time leafing through it. It is called PRIMITIVE PHYSIC. It's a reprint of the edition published in 1755, and it seems you can cure anything with cold water, an onion, or the judicious application of electricity. Notes the preface, the 1755 edition was the first to mention electricity. For example, to cure deafness, "Be electrified thro' the ear." Toothache? "Be electrified through the tooth." ("Through" - not "thro'" - that time for some reason.) Not until I got it home did I realize it was written by John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, isn't that what he did? Even the diseases sound elegant: "Costiveness" - "Noise in the Ears" - "The King's Evil" - "Convulsions in the Bowels of Children" - "A Tickling Cough" - "Clouds flying before the Eyes" - "The Green Sickness" - "The Whites" - "A Chronical Head-ach" - "For one seemingly kill'd with Lightning" - "The Inward Piles" - "The Quinsy" - "A Fresh Rupture" (which will be the title of my next novel) - "A Windy Rupture" (the sequel, decided my smart ex-student) - "Pearl in the Eye" - "An old stubborn pain in the Back" - you get it! I love that the first step for curing "A Raging Fit" is to "Beat Onions into a pulp." Here's a measurement you get a lot (when they're telling you how much butter or cream of tartar to apply, for example): "the bigness of a Nutmeg." That could be a classy title for a classy novel, too, the kind of classy novel classy people love to read: THE BIGNESS OF A NUTMEG. If I wrote a novel called THE BIGNESS OF A NUTMEG, everyone would love me. Maybe it can be my follow-up to the moving and controversial A FRESH RUPTURE. Well, I haven't even told you any of the good stuff yet. Like, for "The Apoplexy" (from which I often suffer) "Rub the head, feet, and hands strongly, and let two strong men carry the patient upright, backwards and forwards about the room." Raisins come into it a lot, too, reminding me of those hucksters McNeil found on the "internet," curing arthritis - wasn't it? - with gin and raisins. Oh, we're just getting started. Thanks, John Wesley!

McNeil Month By Month

You know what today is, don't you? That's right! It's McNeil's birthday, an occasion marked each year by the latest installment of "McNeil Month By Month," our exclusive feature showcasing highlights from McNeil's young life as lived on the "blog." Spend this special day celebrating McNeil - with the help of "McNeil Month By Month"! September 2006: McNeil contends that he does not enjoy the "Little Dot" comic book. October 2006: McNeil furnishes a memorable quotation. November 2006: McNeil recalls playing Aerosmith on a jukebox. December 2006: First appearance of "McNeil's Movie Korner." January 2007: McNeil's system for winning at craps. February 2007: McNeil doesn't see what's so hard about reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich at the same time. March 2007: McNeil and I are talking about Bob Denver when HE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION! April 2007: Wild turkeys roam McNeil's neighborhood. May 2007: McNeil gets in touch with an Australian reporter regarding a historical chimp. June 2007: First McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival announced. July 2007: Medicine changes McNeil's taste buds. August 2007: McNeil's trees not producing apples. September 2007: McNeil pinpoints a problem with the "blog." October 2007: McNeil presents a video entitled "Jerry's pre-defecation chills." November 2007: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. December 2007: What is McNeil's favorite movie? January 2008: McNeil explains why the wind blows. February 2008: McNeil admires the paintings of Gerhard Richter. March 2008: McNeil comes up with an idea for a Lifetime TV movie. April 2008: McNeil's shirt. May 2008: McNeil's apple tree doing better (see August 2007). June 2008: McNeil is troubled by a man who wants to make clouds in the shape of logos. July 2008: McNeil's apples are doing great. August 2008: McNeil refuses to acknowledge that Goofy wears a hat no matter what I say. September 2008: McNeil's grocery store is permanently out of his favorite margarine. October 2008: McNeil on the space elevator. November 2008: McNeil comes across an incomplete episode guide to HELLO, LARRY. December 2008: McNeil thinks the human hand should have more fingers. January 2009: McNeil discovers that gin and raisins cure arthritis. February 2009: McNeil sees a ****** ******* awesome rainbow. March 2009: McNeil wants a job on a cruise ship. April 2009: McNeil attempts to rescue a wayward balloon. May 2009: McNeil visits the Frogtown Fair. June 2009: McNeil dreams he is watching an endless production number from LI'L ABNER. July 2009: McNeil sends text messages from his cell phone while watching a Frank Sinatra movie. August 2009: McNeil disagrees philosophically with a comic book cover that shows a mad scientist putting a gorilla's brain in a superhero's body. September 2009: McNeil resembles famed boxing trainer Freddie Roach. October 2009: McNeil's birthday celebrated with an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month." November 2009: McNeil reports that a bird broke the large hadron collider by dropping a bread crumb on it. December 2009: McNeil advises me to like the universe or lump it. January 2010: McNeil eats soup. February 2010: McNeil tells of the hidden civilizations living deep beneath the surface of the earth. March 2010: McNeil recalls a carpet of his youth. April 2010: McNeil starts wearing a necktie. May 2010: McNeil's DNA sample fails to yield results. June 2010: McNeil thinks up some improvements for the movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. July 2010: McNeil reads to me from I, THE JURY. August 2010: McNeil finds a hair in his crab cake. September 2010: McNeil has a cold. October 2010: McNeil's favorite MAD MEN character is Stan. Pictured, a promotional still for HELLO, LARRY (see November 2008).

No Raisins For Larry

Larry King opened a box of Raisin Bran today and there were no raisins in it, or so he claims! I am not maligning the Raisin Bran corporation! I am just telling you what Larry King said on his twittery place. But I'm not "linking" to it because his current choice of wallpaper for the site features the oil spill, which is not humorous for "linking" purposes, plus it reminds me that I shouldn't make fun of Larry King's twitter account anymore because he is hosting a telethon to help my hometown and others like it along the Gulf Coast. Still, I am not sure I believe him about the raisins. It doesn't seem possible! But why would he lie? I am going to toss and turn and think about this all night.

Sick and Disturbing!

Today "Blog" Buddy Laura Lippman is called "sick and disturbing" in the New York Times! Cool! In the same article: objects of "blog" fascination Oliver Platt and Gilmore Girls. Who could ask for more? Speaking of the New York Times, Tom Wolfe recently had an op-ed about Mark Twain in there, and who cares, really? But it put me in mind of another literary anecdote. I guess that's just the kind of guy I am, the kind of guy who sits around thinking of literary anecdotes like some kind of big shot. Anyhow, Wolfe writes about the fact that Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe were neighbors, and he mentions the delightful Twain biography MR. CLEMENS AND MARK TWAIN by Justin Kaplan, but somehow he doesn't mention the most interesting thing - the fact (I think) that Harriet Beecher Stowe once BROKE INTO MARK TWAIN'S HOUSE in the dead of night and started playing "Onward Christian Soldiers" on the organ in the parlor, scaring everybody to death. Suddenly I am not sure this is true. I was certain the incident was related in the Kaplan book, but I have gone to the index and checked all the Stowe pages and I'm just not seeing it anywhere. Did I dream it up? I did find the part about how Stowe's half-sister Isabella Hooker believed that she had been "elected president of a universal matriarchy" and had a New Year's Eve party (which Twain attended) during which "a sign" indicating as much was supposed to come "from beyond the veil." Hooker hid "a covey of local mediums, spiritualists, and clairvoyants" in an upstairs bedroom. They were supposed to pop out at the appropriate moment, but nothing happened. Here's my favorite Kaplan sentence in that section: "The long-suffering John Hooker, destined by his wife to be secretary of foreign affairs under the new order, was attacked by a muscular lady medium, and they scuffled in the hallway." Also, "The raisins and walnuts were all eaten."

McNeil Month By Month

It's McNeil's birthday, and you know what that means: an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month," the only place on the "internet" to see what McNeil has been doing month by month, via a "post" about McNeil from each month that the "blog" has been in existence. In keeping with the "blog's" new policy, we use a random illustration, but in honor of McNeil's birth, it is not as random as usual, because we will keep hitting the button until we find one that has something to do however slightly with some of the subject matter of "McNeil Month By Month." Well, it turned out to be the Wienermobile after it crashed into a house, which has nothing to do with McNeil, but we think McNeil will like it. And with that, we give you "McNeil Month By Month." From September 2006: McNeil contends that he does not enjoy the "Little Dot" comic book. October 2006: McNeil furnishes a memorable quotation. November 2006: McNeil recalls playing Aerosmith on a jukebox. December 2006: First appearance of "McNeil's Movie Korner." January 2007: McNeil's system for winning at craps. February 2007: McNeil doesn't see what's so hard about reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich at the same time. March 2007: McNeil and I are talking about Bob Denver when HE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION! April 2007: Wild turkeys roam McNeil's neighborhood. May 2007: McNeil gets in touch with an Australian reporter regarding a historical chimp. June 2007: First McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival announced. July 2007: Medicine changes McNeil's taste buds. August 2007: McNeil's trees not producing apples. September 2007: McNeil pinpoints a problem with the "blog." October 2007: McNeil presents a video entitled "Jerry's pre-defecation chills." November 2007: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. December 2007: What is McNeil's favorite movie? January 2008: McNeil explains why the wind blows. February 2008: McNeil admires the paintings of Gerhard Richter. March 2008: McNeil comes up with an idea for a Lifetime TV movie. April 2008: McNeil's shirt. May 2008: McNeil's apple tree doing better (see August 2007). June 2008: McNeil is troubled by a man who wants to make clouds in the shape of logos. July 2008: McNeil's apples are doing great. August 2008: McNeil refuses to acknowledge that Goofy wears a hat no matter what I say. September 2008: McNeil's grocery store is permanently out of his favorite margarine. October 2008: McNeil on the space elevator. November 2008: McNeil comes across an incomplete episode guide to HELLO, LARRY. December 2008: McNeil thinks the human hand should have more fingers. January 2009: McNeil discovers that gin and raisins cure arthritis. February 2009: McNeil sees a ****** ******* awesome rainbow. March 2009: McNeil wants a job on a cruise ship. April 2009: McNeil attempts to rescue a wayward balloon. May 2009: McNeil visits the Frogtown Fair. June 2009: McNeil dreams he is watching an endless production number from LI'L ABNER. July 2009: McNeil sends text messages from his cell phone while watching a Frank Sinatra movie. August 2009: McNeil disagrees philosophically with a comic book cover that shows a mad scientist putting a gorilla's brain in a superhero's body. September 2009: McNeil resembles famed boxing trainer Freddie Roach. October 2009: McNeil's birthday celebrated with an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month."

Notes From the "Internet"

"Here are some fruit and nut animals you might like," writes a person from the "internet." How did she know? Because she is absolutely right. On her own "blog" ("Handmade Librarian" by name) she shows a cow made of almonds, a bear made of raisins, and an elephant made of English walnuts. Feel free to "click" here if you don't believe me. It's fun to make new friends! Thanks, "internet"! (Pictured, President Taft and some other dudes at the 1909 Alaska-Yukon-Pacific Exposition, where Handmade Librarian's fruit and nut animals resided.)

Oatmeal Tips

Welcome again to the best part of the "blog," "Oatmeal Tips." Today's oatmeal tip comes from the delightful and delightfully named Emily Doe, whom I met in the McSweeney's office on my last trip to San Francisco. Please note: Emily broke up her oatmeal tip into handy and attractive paragraphs. But I have never learned to "do" paragraph breaks on the "blog." It is not Emily's fault! With that, I give you Emily: "I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed last month and as a result subsisted on an all-oatmeal diet for two weeks. While to some people this may sound like torture, to me it was a dream come true. I love oatmeal. I eat it all the time. What's not to love about complex carbs and one trusty ingredient. Here's how I generally enjoy my oatmeal: sticky, cooked on the stove with water - never in a microwave- with brown sugar and raisins, and sometimes dried cranberries- but never nuts. Here's how I ate it during my post-surgery days: very soupy, cooked on the stove with milk for extra calories, and maple syrup. Now that the holes in my gums are filling back in and I don't have to worry about dry sockets anymore I'm back to eating oatmeal the sticky way, but with a splash of milk!" Thanks, Emily! The conversion to milk is informative, and perhaps the most telling thing about your story. How interesting when a stark necessity becomes a luxurious preference - in many ways, the story of the world. Of the accompanying photo, Emily writes, "See those blue stripes through my teeth? Apparently, they’re from some now-defunct vaccine that they were giving kids back in the 80s!" What does oatmeal mean to YOU? Let me know by sending a postcard to "Oatmeal Tips" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655.

A Panful of Gin and Raisins

McNeil was telling me on the phone today how the Wilen sisters also claim that you can put some raisins in a pan, cover them with gin and leave them alone for a few days until the raisins soak up every bit of gin. Then you eat a raisin or two every day and pretty soon your arthritis is cured. Later, McNeil sent a "link" to the Wilen sisters, which I present here for the sake of completeness, but it's really more fun to hear McNeil tell it, nothing against the Wilen sisters.

As Promised

Agent "M." doesn't mess around! Just hours after her original vow, we have her report--a report that she claims with believable urgency was seven years in the making, and which we proudly present forthwith, I quote (and you know I am quoting accurately, because I retain her non-use of quotation marks around the word "blogger"): "With permission from the blogger, I have decided to expand my observational repertoire and offer thoughts on local food as well as television. My first commentary will concern the Best Chicken Salad in Atlanta. The bronze medal goes to Shield's Meat Market in Emory Village. I love this place--locally owned butcher shop and deli where you can get a sandwich, chips and pickle for about $6. They make their chicken salad from scratch each day. It's what I consider a perfect consistency--more pasty than creamy, with lots of chunks of chicken and bits of celery. The silver medal goes to Belly at the corner of No. Highland and St. Charles Ave. While their chicken salad is on the pricey side, it is worth the splurge. It too avoids the common problem facing so many chicken salads these days--too much mayo--opting instead for more chicken, less sauce. I believe they also put secret ingredients into it--perhaps sun dried tomatoes? Don't take my word for it --check it out for yourselves. Finally, the gold medal goes to...the Brickstore Pub. Their chicken salad comes as a scoop atop their delicious side salad (one of the best green salads in Atlanta with parmesan and yellow raisins and delicious tomatoes), and it is a delicious blend of chicken, mayo...and here's the secret touch...yogurt! While this may sound odd to connoisseurs of traditional chicken salad, trust me--you've never had chicken salad this good. Bon appetit, y'all!"