Writers In Chains

Mary Miller and I had lunch at Applebee's today, which reminded me that Tom Franklin and I first met at an Olive Garden, which reminded me of the Christmas Eve in Mobile, Alabama, not too many years ago when nothing was open but a TGI Friday's so Tom and I (both in town to visit our parents) had some rainbow-colored cocktails. And as Tom reminded me yesterday, we used to meet when I got off work (from a coffee shop in Bel Air Mall) at the Ruby Tuesday next door, in which we went over each other's short stories, back before either of us was published. And I also recall that an ex-girlfriend of mine waited tables there and I liked to go sit in her section and whine to her about not having a future. And one day she finally asked me why I didn't stop whining and do something. She was sick of hearing it! For example, she was leaving forever (like the next day, as I recall, though that can't be an accurate memory) to have an adventurous life in Alaska. And she did! She was gone. And I was like, "She's right!" And I quit my job and moved to Atlanta. But anyway, Mary and I split an Applebee's dessert, or such was the plan. They brought it out on a sizzling hot skillet. A blondie on a sizzling hot skillet! Why? And somehow a black plastic cup of sauce had been placed on the sizzling hot skillet, and the bottom of the plastic cup had melted, sending a frightening, violently bubbling, sizzling, burning evil pool of thin white sauce and poisonous black plastic all over the sizzling hot skillet.

Owl Soup

I told you this book would have an owl in it! McPhee writes of the people who live along the Kobuk River eating owl soup.

Educational

Finished reading that book about the Middle Ages. Conquered it, more like. As I was just saying to Cody at Square Books, I'll never trade it in for store credit at Off Square Books because now that I put it on the shelf I feel like I fought it to the death barehanded and chopped its head off and stuffed and mounted it and now I'll just stare at it forever. I have moved on to John McPhee's book about Alaska, which I feel certain will have an owl in it. I just read this sentence: "Unopened cans of sardines have been found in the scat of grizzlies." So that gave me a lot to think about.

Sleeping Habits of Bob

I won't lie to you, this Bob Hope bio is kind of running together now. Everything's a blur. Lots of numbers. Like, how many acres of land Bob bought (10,000). I don't know. On the plus side, Jim Dees sent me this photo of Bob Hope here in town, on the University of Mississippi campus in 1973, with the homecoming queen. Dees said he went to see Hope perform and that an army of cue card men, real pros, zoomed and zipped all around him. Wherever Bob turned his head, there was a cue card! Dees said Bob made a lot of "local" jokes... about the neighboring community of Water Valley, for example. As I knew from the book, Bob always sent "advance men" to town ahead of him so he could personalize his act for a hometown crowd. I did notice that Bob's method for putting himself to sleep was similar to the one Nabokov wrote about, which I also remembered from the memoirs of monk and mystic Thomas Merton. Rosemary Clooney proclaimed Bob's sleeping method to be "very yoga-like." And when I was contemplating "blogging" about that, I thought, "What is wrong with you, Pendarvis?" Yet here we are. Oh, Bob said that he and Doris Day had an affair. And I thought Megan Abbott would like the detail that "publicist Frank Lieberman once saw Hope and [Marilyn] Maxwell check in for a night at a cheap motel decorated with tepees and a neon sign that said SLEEP IN A WIGWAM TONIGHT." And some of the near-death experiences Bob had during World War II were interesting, like Jerry Colonna making brave wisecracks as the plane went down over Alaska.

Chickens of the North

"I met a chicken and managed not to eat it!" Kent exclaimed in the message accompanying this photo. You know how much Kent likes to eat chicken! So I salute his restraint. And yet I contend there is something shifty in his expression here. I believe Kent is in Alaska by now - last I heard he was on his way - but I have no idea whether this is an Alaskan chicken or a chicken Kent encountered earlier in his journey. At first I thought it was adorned with a fabulous crest such as perhaps only the chickens of Alaska sport, but then I realized what I thought was the crest is just part of the chair Kent is sitting in.

McNeil's Movie Korner

Oh boy! It's time once again for "McNeil's Movie Korner." McNeil writes to say he was "BLOWN AWAY" (caps his) by the similarities between LOVER COME BACK, which he watched a week or so ago, and MAD MEN. The creators of MAD MEN "obviously had that film in mind," he says, "because Rock is definitely Don Draper, Doris/Peggy, and even Tony Randall is a lot like Pete (in the way he looks and acts)." [And his character's name is Pete! - ed.] Speaking of old Pete, a second email from McNeil, hot on the heels of the first, adds that McNeil's younger kids love a movie called ALASKA. "It stars an early version of Pete Campbell, played by a 17-year-old Pete Campbell!!!! He acts exactly the same!!!!" McNeil breathlessly reports.

Something to Do in New York City

Do you live in New York City? Probably not! Because why would you be reading this "blog"? You could be out doing something! Like eating Alaskan black cod in a parking garage with John McEnroe! Or standing on a guy who aspires to be a human carpet. OR you could be going to the KGB Bar TONIGHT ONLY to see "Blog" Buddy Michael Bible reading from his work. Do it! Maybe the carpet guy will show up. But you'll forget all about him as you thrill to the mesmerizing words of Michael Bible. Meanwhile, Tim Pawlenty and Vanilla Ice are coming right up on Fox & Friends so I really have to go.

The Ichthyologist: Modern-Day Undercover Procopius?

As you will recall from reading the New York Times with me every day, their gossip columnist ONLY writes about celebrities eating fish. They should make up a new name for her. Like, right now they call her "The Nocturnalist" but they should change it to "The Ichthyologist!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Because of the fish. Sure, Martha Stewart feeds her a Jordan almond in today's installment. BUT! She also sees John McEnroe eating "Alaskan black cod" in a parking garage. For real! "Click" here if you don't believe me. But don't "click"! Because then you will have to read about a fancy gala where rich people dress up like rich hoboes or something, with "motorcycle evening gloves," whatever those are, and someone walks by and exclaims, "Glam in the gutter!" to The Ichthyologist. Ugh! Somebody really says that! They are hanging around in a parking garage for irony! They're having fun pretending to be partially poor! Like, only their gloves are poor. I don't know, part of me thinks that The Ichthyologist is secretly thinking "ugh" along with me like some modern-day Procopius but it's all just too subtle for me I guess.

"Blog"trospective 6: The United States

Previous "blog"tropectives have covered such compelling subjects as sandwiches, the moon, movies, Phil Oppenheim, and Tom Franklin. Now we shall see how many of the "states" have been mentioned by name on the "blog." That's right, I have nothing better to do with my time. Sue me. Alabama---Alaska---Arizona---Arkansas---California---Colorado---Connecticut---Delaware---Florida---Georgia---Hawaii---Idaho---Illinois---Indiana---Iowa---Kansas---Kentucky---Louisiana---Maine---Maryland---Massachusetts---Michigan---Minnesota---Mississippi---Missouri---Montana---Nebraska---Nevada---New Hampshire---New Jersey---New Mexico---New York---North Carolina---North Dakota---Ohio---Oklahoma---Oregon---Pennsylvania---Rhode Island---South Carolina---South Dakota---Tennessee---Texas---Utah---Vermont---Virginia---Washington---West Virginia---Wisconsin---Wyoming.

Notes From the "Internet"

"Here are some fruit and nut animals you might like," writes a person from the "internet." How did she know? Because she is absolutely right. On her own "blog" ("Handmade Librarian" by name) she shows a cow made of almonds, a bear made of raisins, and an elephant made of English walnuts. Feel free to "click" here if you don't believe me. It's fun to make new friends! Thanks, "internet"! (Pictured, President Taft and some other dudes at the 1909 Alaska-Yukon-Pacific Exposition, where Handmade Librarian's fruit and nut animals resided.)

Enjoyable Bird

There's a bird I like to listen to every day. It employs three clear, high-pitched whistles in descending tones, very close to the first notes of "Three Blind Mice," followed by a rhythmic reiteration of the final note, with some impish sliding effects. I have now briefly glanced at two "web" sites about birds and become a bird expert. So I believe my tuneful friend is a sparrow of some kind. If I am understanding correctly (and perhaps the Dear Bird Correspondent will do me the favor of setting me straight) each individual sparrow has its own personal and varied repertoire, which may account for what I could swear is the same bird occasionally going up the scale in a minor key (actually it starts with an interval of a minor third in those cases). So on a site called "Nature Bits" I heard this sparrow that someone recorded in Alaska. Pretty close, I guess, but the sparrow in our yard is a lot more talented in the melody department, and with a purer, slightly higher tone. Here is the other place I found on the "web" where you can listen to birdsong if that's your idea of a good time, which it should be. (Pictured, a golden-crowned sparrow, the kind that was singing in Alaska. Look at his golden crown! If I saw him in person I'd be like, "You've got a little golden crown, don't you? Yes you do! Yes you do!")

A Big Musk Ox Person

Jason Polan and I were conversing about yaks via the "internet," which culminated in Jason sending me the somewhat related picture above and the message below: "oh! did i tell you about the musk ox farm in alaska? there is a musk ox farm in palmer alaska that has musk ox slowly roaming around and it is pretty nice. the best part is if you become a member or sponsor a musk ox or something for $100 you get a signed certificate by alex trebek! he is a big musk ox person."