Saturday, November 24, 2012

Fine Art Dude

How often have I tried to express to Dr. Theresa the mesmerizing quality of the people who try to sell you jewelry on television. But she had to come across an example of TV salesmanship on her own to truly understand the value of this unappreciated form of entertainment. She saw this dude selling "fine art." He was a fat guy in a brown suit and whenever he sat down he spread his legs really far apart. (Nothing against fat guys! I am a fat guy myself!) Dr. Theresa called me in and we watched the fat guy sell fine art together. The fine art salesman smacked his gum loudly (Nicorette, convincingly theorized Dr. Theresa) as he sold his fine art, and drank Mountain Dew. His Mountain Dew cans were littered among the fine art he was selling. I have presented here an actual example of the actual work that was up for grabs. He kept up a patter of non sequiturs, but they weren't charming like Tracey's from the Gem Shopping Network. This guy seemed volatile. He kept returning to his problems with someone called Jennifer. He said, for example, that she had the mark of the devil on her scalp! Scalp, he said. Jennifer turned out to be his wife. He said something about "bigfoot pulling a gun." Disappointingly, "Bigfoot" turned out to be the nickname of a guy on the crew. He said, "Don't stab yourself, Chappell." (His name was Chappell and he constantly referred to himself in the third person.) He said, "Don't stab yourself, Chappell, or they'll know you're crazy. I'm not crazy!"