Thursday, December 13, 2012

Mustard Brown

Hey so Ace Atkins came over tonight for the second feature in our George Lazenby Film Festival, the film festival so exclusive we only watch one movie every two years. This time we watched STONER and there was nothing much to talk about. I pretended that the soundtrack said "Hey, Stoner! Hey, Stoner!" and Ace Atkins and Dr. Theresa almost bought it (the theme song to our last George Lazenby movie went "Oh, Ryker! Oh, Ryker!" - the name of George Lazenby's character in that one - and Ace became friends with the composer over the "internet"), though the singers were really singing in Chinese, and not saying "Stoner" at all. It really sounded more like, "Oh, mama!" But it wasn't. It was Chinese. Like I said, there wasn't much to talk about in STONER. Ace, in a hypnotized voice, said, "Look at those mustards... dark browns..." and Dr. Theresa, likewise entranced, said, "Avocado greens," because all they had to talk about was the colors in the movie, and George Lazenby's awesome fighting skills, and the tragic life and career trajectory of George Lazenby, as I just sat there kind of going, "Hmm." I did suggest at one point that McNeil should be here because he loves to talk about carpet and lamps in movies, which is what Ace and Dr. Theresa were doing. Then Ace said, "Is he real?" (Meaning McNeil.) Yes, he is real! Ace is the millionth person to bother me with the question of whether or not McNeil is real. He is so totally real! Somehow the great comedy writer and performer Don Novello came up and I dragged out my copy of THE BLADE, the funniest book ever made, and Ace and I turned the pages and literally WEPT with helpless laughter as the George Lazenby movie continued, unobserved, except maybe, MAYBE, by Dr. Theresa, who filled us in on things we missed, such as, "He just climbed up a cliff with his boots thrown over his shoulder!" Poor George Lazenby! But THE BLADE is this amazing thing, this totally deadpan high school yearbook with sheep instead of people, and THERE IS NOT A SINGLE JOKE IN IT. That's what makes it so funny! THERE IS NOT A SINGLE JOKE IN IT. It is nothing but a high school yearbook with sheep instead of people. I can't explain it. Hey, you people who want to be "funny" or tell "jokes," READ THE BLADE BY DON NOVELLO FIRST. And then give up. I did. John Brandon came over to the house one time and I tried to describe THE BLADE to him, and then I tried to find it, but I couldn't remember where I put it. No matter! I just kept weeping with laughter instead, which made John Brandon weep with laughter too. That is how funny THE BLADE by Don Novello is, it can make you weep with laughter even though you have never seen it, like John Brandon. John Brandon even made me promise never to show it to him because it could not possibly live up to how much it was making him laugh through my description. BUT JOHN BRANDON WAS WRONG. I am telling you, it is the funniest thing that has ever been made. THE BLADE by Don Novello! THE FUNNIEST BOOK THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE.