Frozen Treats

I see that my famous recommendation shelf at Square Books has sold A WHOPPING THIRTEEN BOOKS, including, most recently, DIE A LITTLE by Megan Abbott. Yes, I am the greatest person ever, but that is not the only important lesson to be learned here. For you see, Megan Abbott is COMING TO TOWN! She'll be reading from her new book THE END OF EVERYTHING at Off Square Books later this month so START GETTING READY TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN NOW. I cannot emphasize this enough: start preparing NOW by reading all of Megan's previous books OR ELSE! Otherwise, Megan's uncanny powers, which culminate in the current volume, will freak out your mind TOO MUCH and the good people at Square Books cannot be held liable for your personal catastrophe! It will be your own fault and you will incur ALL MEDICAL EXPENSES. Most importantly, Megan already sent me a birthday present. She is making the rest of you suckers look bad! It's a French advertisement for Popsicle brand frozen treats, featuring Bob Hope and suitable for framing! Top that, suckers! And don't forget that Megan will be here on July 27 with her own brand of chilly treats... her words! Much like Popsicles, they FREEZE YOUR HEART WITH EXCITEMENT AND TERROR! (Note: That photo is not the Popsicle ad, of course! It just seems to combine the spirit of Bob with the spirit of Megan Abbott... it is Bob and Paulette Goddard in what I assume is a publicity still from THE CAT AND THE CANARY.)

Giant Turtle Theme Song

"I TOLD you there was a giant turtle movie!" Dr. Theresa greeted me triumphantly this morning. Then she showed me this ("click" here): the incredible theme song to the giant turtle movie. I don't remember ever denying there was a giant turtle movie! But I could not have predicted such a theme song, which in its haunting introspection rivals the theme song to SOMEONE I TOUCHED. The title of the giant turtle movie is THE BERMUDA DEPTHS, and Dr. Theresa - not having seen it since her youth - recalls the plot this way: "There's a tragedy, and then a girl goes to live underwater, and later she comes back and wreaks vengeance on the town." While the theme song was playing, Dr. Theresa said, "Did you hear that? That was the giant turtle!" It sounded like a whale. Then she showed me a clip of the movie in which Carl Weathers fires a bazooka at the giant turtle, and the turtle indeed makes a mournful little whale noise, like "Oomf!" Pictured, the giant turtle who stars in THE BERMUDA DEPTHS.

The Debate

After yesterday's report on paint colors, the New York Times chugs right along with a "debate" about "wild nail polish." A debate! One of the people debating "wild nail polish" is an art curator named Angus Trumble. Dickens did not create him! Angus Trumble wrote a scholarly book called THE FINGER. I am telling you the true facts! "One thinks of Empress Dowager Cixi’s impossibly long, gorgeously chased golden fingernail protectors," writes Angus Trumble. One certainly does!

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 6

It has been over three lonely years since our last edition of "Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner." But finally Mr. Ward is back, with a special "Presidential Korner" that doubles as "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip." You heard me right! "FYI – Jennifer Aniston is apparently dating our 20th president – James Garfield," reports Mr. Ward.

Now My Big Weird Head Is Looking At You

Hey, look! Here is a picture an artist did of my big weird head. I like it! I opened up the new Yalobusha Review and saw it and I was pretty surprised. Like, "I am almost positive that is my head looking back at me eerily from this magazine." I asked my friend Bill, who was one of the editors of the issue, "Is that my head in your magazine?" He said, "Hmm, I don't recall your head being in the magazine." So I contacted the artist directly and said, "I enjoy your work. Is that my head?" And the artist said yes! Well, it certainly was a shock. The artist said it must have been like that SIMPSONS episode when Homer saw his face on the Japanese detergent box. Yes! But I feel much better now. "Click" here for more about Jordan Speer, the artist.

PS

There is also an article in today's New York Times about Alec Baldwin "meticulously deboning" a "deep-fried whole sea bass."

Paint Company Executive

Spent some minutes of my actual life - minutes that bring us ever closer to the grave! - reading in the New York Times about what paint company executives are naming their paint colors these days. They have colors now called "Darkening Sky" and "Tornado." As one paint company executive helpfully explains to the reporter, "These are things that exist in nature." Thanks, paint company executive!

Sad Snackers

I am deeply troubled by the commercial for a new (?) product called "Hot Pockets Snackers." Several "cool" young people are sitting in an apartment just relaxing and enjoying some "Hot Pockets Snackers." You can tell they are cool because they have a guitar and a bicycle in their apartment, and one of them is wearing a knit cap indoors. The announcer suggests that the "Hot Pockets Snackers" are so much like restaurant food that they should "come with an annoying waitress." Then suddenly by magic an "annoying waitress" appears and "annoys" everyone by being cheerful and doing a little dance. The cool people look on in mute horror (we must assume) with their cool blank faces which cannot express emotion. Part of the heartbreak is thinking of the big wigs in the "Hot Pockets Snackers" corporate boardroom getting excited about how much the cool kids with guitars and bicycles are going to love their "Hot Pockets Snackers" and how they will really "relate" to this commercial that speaks their language of wearing knit caps indoors, opening up the whole "Hot Pockets Snackers" experience to a brand new demographic. The executive officers of "Hot Pockets Snackers" just want to be loved! The other sad part is about the working woman who tries to be upbeat and is implicitly mocked and scorned by the makers of the "Hot Pockets Snackers." This "annoying waitress" who has to go out and make a living probably has little time for cooking and might be forced at some point into a gruesome situation when all she has time for before heading out the door is a bag of "Hot Pockets Snackers." (Note: I couldn't find an actual image of the commercial, but I think this "beatnik" gets the feeling across.)

Poor Ice Cube

I was thinking about how much McNeil loves Ice Cube last night while I was watching a commercial in which Ice Cube has an argument with a stubborn beer bottle. An argument with a beer bottle! And he loses! Oh, Ice Cube.

Perfectly Nice Golf Club

Did I tell you I found a perfectly nice golf club in a trash can yesterday? I don't play golf or anything. But I walked down the sidewalk with the golf club slung over my shoulder just like Bob Hope. I've never felt so alive!

McNeilileaks

Welcome to "McNeilileaks," a brand new "blog" feature where I leak the contents of McNeil's emails. Here's one: "listening to 80s music...eating Lucky Charms...gettin' that vibe down."

Wild Wild McNeil

Today McNeil is showing his students the movie THE WILD, WILD PLANET... which makes him THE GREATEST TEACHER IN AMERICA!

Dr. Theresa's New Favorite Commercial

Dr. Theresa loves the commercial for the Easy Reach Plant Pulley. Its thesis is that THERE IS NO GREATER CHALLENGE YOU WILL EVER FACE AS A FRAGILE HUMAN PERSON THAN WATERING YOUR PLANTS. You might get drenched and embarrassed or fall off a ladder and die, the commercial implies. "Watering cans are heavy!" screams the announcer. But all that is in the past, thanks to the Easy Reach Plant Pulley. Dr. Theresa has not been so excited since the Magic Hands.

For the Sad Clown Completist

An email exchange with Laura Lippman about the demise of Gene Kelly's character in WHAT A WAY TO GO! reminded me that Kelly arguably plays one of the "blog's" favorite things in that movie... a sad clown!

Citterns Are Back and Bigger Than Ever

So this Robert Jordan novel has a cittern on page 243. I thought I'd never have a reason to "blog" about citterns again. Thank God I was wrong!

King of Retail

I know you don't want to hear about this anymore, but it turns out I don't care what you want. The recommendation shelf has sold three more books, for a total of 11. WUTHERING HEIGHTS... sold! CROW PLANET... sold! THE SHARPSHOOTER BLUES by Lewis Nordan... sold! You're welcome, Emily Brontë! You too, crows!

Holy Cow!

So I'm doing a little leprechaun research for my sprawling fantasy epic. I dug out my copy of a 1911 book called THE FAIRY-FAITH IN CELTIC COUNTRIES by W.Y. Evans-Wentz. Mr. Evans-Wentz reports, "I very well remember sitting one night four or five years ago in an hotel in Indianapolis, U.S.A., and talking to four Irishmen, one or two of them very wealthy... each man of the four had a story of his own to tell... of ghostly manifestations seen by him in Ireland. Two of these manifestations were of beings that would fall into no known category; a monstrous rabbit as big as an ass, which plunged into the sea (rabbits can swim), and a white heifer which ascended to heaven."

Busy Butterflies

As I write my 1,000-page sprawling fantasy epic (I'm on page 143 and nothing has happened yet, so I think I'm doing it right) I continue to look for inspiration in this other 1,000-page sprawling fantasy epic. That guy can really stretch a figure of speech over several pages. Of one character, it is said, "Butterflies the size of hedgehogs frolicked in her stomach." That deserves one of these: (!). Then, two pages later, "The butterflies in her belly were beating kettle drums, now." Four pages after that: "The butterflies were still gamboling in her stomach." Anyway, it seems like those butterflies were having a great time. I have to say I cannot imagine butterflies the size of hedgehogs frolicking. It seems to me they would be depressed and lethargic. I hope I do not sound too harshly critical of the author, who as I have mentioned was a very nice man and highly successful at his profession and beloved by his fans. Plus I am not sure if the kick I am getting out of his book is despite or because of the way it's written. I am reminded of when I saw this dialogue tag in Mickey Spillane: "I said observingly." I sort of thought that was the worst adverb I had ever run across. Wouldn't "I observed" be a lot better? And "I said" even better than that? Yeah, but Mickey Spillane used to sell almost as well as the Bible. So shut up, Pendarvis.

Three Minutes In Paradise

You know that the "blog" is mainly about Jerry Lewis and sad clowns. In the first three minutes of THE DAILY SHOW tonight, Jon Stewart mentioned both Jerry Lewis and (on an entirely separate topic, no kidding!) sad clowns. I think what I'm saying is clear: the "blog" has its finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist.

Brigands of the Bog

Say, are you writing a sprawling fantasy epic? Probably! Well, so am I. And I have some dreadful news for you. Thanks to self-publishing on the "internet," EVERY POSSIBLE TITLE IS TAKEN. I thought I had hit on one, finally, right there in the sweet spot between seeming real and being ludicrous: THE WIZARD'S EGG. So of course someone on the "internet" has already written a story called "The Wizard's Egg," which is about - spoiler alert! - a wizard cooking a soft-boiled egg. In case you are wondering (and you shouldn't be - it's a given), yes, there is also an "internet" story called "The Unicorn's Egg." Turns out the "internet" is rife with wizards and unicorns, but we knew that already. My brother-in-law David did send me a bunch of good title suggestions, my favorite of which is BRIGANDS OF THE BOG. That sounds almost like a real one, doesn't it? But I don't know. I think I'll know it when I hear it.