By Gad, Sir!

Jim Whorton drops us a line to report that his grandfather was in the habit of saying "gad" whenever he bumped his head. Whorton is contributing, of course, to our recent discussion of "dag". Gad, like gosh and jeepers creepers, is one of the ways in which we avoid taking the Lord's name in vain. Whorton is quite correct to link "gad" to its mirror image. In the South, one sometimes hears this reflexive impulse overtly, in the phrase "God dog!" or "God dog it!" More often, the blasphemy is better disguised, with a dad ("dad gum it"), or a dag. Gad (as in gadzooks, a safer form of "God's wounds," itself often abbreviated as "Zounds!"... oh, now I'm actually boring myself). Let me just end by observing that James Joyce, in Finnegans Wake, enjoyed confusing God with Dad with Dod, as in Charles Dodgson (Lewis Carroll), Joyce's foreFATHER in dream language, and a recurring father/God figure in the book (with Alice as one of the many daughter figures).

Dagnabit!

Another possible origin of "dag" has been called to our attention. It may derive from "dagnabit," a euphemism favored by old-timey prospectors.

Speaking of Lizzie Borden...

My friend Eugene knew someone who knew Lizzie Borden: the actress Nance O'Neil. Lizzie Borden was her biggest fan, and invited her out to Borden's "mansion on the Hudson" according to Eugene. In his oral autobiography, MILKING THE MOON, Eugene recalls O'Neil telling him that Borden delighted in hearing O'Neil recite dialogue from Medea over tea and cucumber sandwiches in the living room, particularly this speech: "They ask me why I have not slept. Why in the morning I will touch no food... Because, I tell them, this house smells of blood..." Okay. That's enough about Lizzie Borden. The "blog" has taken a gruesome turn. Ms. Borden is now excused from "blog" duties, like the Gilmore Girls before her, and for similar reasons.

Clarification

Y'all know what "dag" means, don't you? People have been writing in to ask. It's like "dang," or maybe it's a shortened form of "dadgum." The "blog" regrets any confusion.

Corrections

The song Jeff McNeil liked to play on the jukebox was "Dream On," not "Toys in the Attic," as was previously reported. Also, McNeil was banished to Pizza Hut five days a week, not two. He ate pizza until his stomach hurt.

Scholarship Uncovers Trove of Tidbits

Academia is abuzz with reports of Theresa's upcoming class. Whilst doing some research for that very class today, Theresa ran across a journal completely devoted to the study of Lizzie Borden. It sure is a crazy world we live in! Speaking of which, do yourself a favor and read up on the pioneering criminologist Frances Glessner Lee (pictured), the "wealthy grandmother" who founded the Department of Legal Medicine at Harvard and, in the 40s and 50s, built intricate dollhouses that exactly duplicated real-life crime scenes. A showcase of her work, compiled by Corinne May Botz under the title THE NUTSHELL STUDIES OF UNEXPLAINED DEATH (the greatest title ever), is among Theresa's favorite curiosities.

Jukebox Confession

Our "post" on Penderecki continues to result in an astonishing flood of heartfelt responses. Jeff McNeil chimes in today, moved by Jim Whorton's reflections on the matter. It seems that at age 13, McNeil was dropped off twice at week at Pizza Hut, to bide his time for an hour while his sister was in gymnastics class. His only solace in this repeated abandonment? Playing Aerosmith's "Toys in the Attic" over and over on the jukebox. "I'm one of those people Whorton was talking about," laments McNeil. Lament no more. Here's today's "blogging" tip: It takes all kinds to make the world! McNeil has done no less than provide us with the kind of dialectic upon which the "blog" thrives.

"Blog" Running at Full Capacity

Amid concerns over recent misfires and kinks in the production line, The Place Where Jack Pendarvis Has a "Blog" has achieved a new watershed moment, according to a written statement released today by B. Proctor Weems, CEO of "Blog" Industries, parent company of the Pendarvis "blog." Weems' contention, not yet verified, is that yesterday, November 14th, The Place Where Jack Pendarvis Has a "Blog" broke its own record for most "posts" "posted" on a single day. "I attribute it to a return to core values," Weems says. "Now we're going to put the rumors behind us and get on with the business of 'blogging.'" Pendarvis could not be reached for comment.

Mercy

Remember Jeff McNeil's plan to punish his child through a dose of Jerry Lewis? It didn't work out as planned. His daughter's counterattack, prior to the viewing, was simply to read him the back of the video box. According to McNeil, the performance began with deadpan sarcasm as she intoned the all-cap headline: "JERRY LEWIS GOES BONKERS IN A LAUGH-A-MINUTE DELIGHT." So it went for a few paragraphs. When she got to this part, however - "Lewis plays 10 various roles, including a 6-year-old boy, a 15th-century coachman, a southern sheriff and a bearded guru" - the unfortunate girl cracked. By the end of the litany, she was reportedly near to tears. McNeil relented. A wise man. She'll find Jerry when she's ready, like all of us.

Dag!

Hey, remember when I said that "blogging" could bring people together? That was awesome when I said that. Now I have proof! The novelist James Whorton, Jr., felt compelled to respond to a recent "post," which reminded him of his own callow youth. "When I was growing up in Hattiesburg," Whorton writes, "someone used to call in to the classical music request show every week and request 'Bolero.' The host of the show would say, 'And I guess I am going to play "Bolero," since it was requested again.' He didn't hide that he was sick of it. And that reminds me further-when I was 11 years old and a student in the 6th grade at Ft. Clarke Middle School in Gainesville, Florida, there was a jukebox in the cafeteria and someone used to play 'Hot Child in the City' on it every day at lunch. Every day! At first people would groan when it started, but then it sort of became the lunch theme song and people would dance to it. To this day, whenever I hear that song I think of sausage pizza and milk. One more. When I was in college in Swansea, the song that got played on the jukebox in the college bar every night was 'Lady Elinor' by Lindisfarne." Thus ends Mr. Whorton's remembrance. I know we're all thinking the same thing: Dag! He had a jukebox in his middle-school cafeteria!

"Blog" Celebrates 100th "Post"

A keen-eyed "blog" fan has written in to say that this was our 100th "post." What better time to look back on some Pendarvis Building "classics"? Remember the time I almost sneezed? That was a close one! And when I reflect upon how excited I was when I discovered how to put a picture on a "post", well, I shed a bittersweet tear for lost youth. Speaking of which, I'll never forget that time I got nostalgic. Those were the days! And to think that "blogging" has been decried as "self indulgent." Heaven forfend! It is, rather, a chronicle of our shared history as human beings on this crazy planet we call earth. Are you with me, people? Who's with me?

Bob Hope, Hee Haw, Ice Cream, French Literature Among "Blog" Reforms

I haven't "blogged" about Bob Hope yet, but I just know I'm going to. And with the recent spike in insights on Hee Haw, we have to face the facts. It's time to revise the obsolete mission statement that has been holding back the "blog" from achieving its full potential. Recent lay-offs and restructuring at the Pendarvis Building, while devastating personally, have opened up a new world of possibilities. Expect big changes at the "blog"!

Stable Boy

I was right about the stable boy. That reminds me of a great New Yorker cartoon I just made up in my head. There's some aristocrat talking to a stable boy and he's saying, "Are you a stable boy?" And the stable boy says, "Not very." Ha ha ha! I'm a genius. And they're drinking martinis at a fancy shindig.

Penderecki

The Penderecki ST. LUKE'S PASSION will make the hair stand up on your arms! It's the thinking man's Carmina Burana. I don't mean to disparage Carl Orff. That's not in the spirit of the "blog." But it says something, I suppose, that Carmina Burana has been used in so many commercials about eliminating soap scum and so on. It's overexposed, maybe that's it. It has become a shortcut, like the PSYCHO theme or that scary organ thing by Bach, the one that goes, "Doodle-doo, doodle-do duh DUM DUM." You know the one. When I was a lad, there was a request program on the classical music station on Saturday afternoon. Every week some joker would request Carmina Burana, and for some reason they would play it every week, the whole thing, biting a big old chunk out of the request show and spoiling everyone else's fun. So maybe I have a personal problem. But I say, if old Carmina Burana doesn't provide the "kicks" it used to when you were 12, step up to Penderecki and his ST. LUKE'S PASSION. You'll be glad you did! And tell 'em the "blog" sent you.

"Blog" Generates Sadness, Rage, Confusion

After taking a day off yesterday, the "blog" has been deluged with complaints and cries for help. My brother-in-law is concerned about the dwindling production rate, which I can only blame on my exhausted interns. They have been working their little hearts out! But it's simply not enough. We're getting rid of the lot of them, and holding open calls for a fresh set of eyes. In the meantime, a disturbing note from Jeff McNeil was tossed into the lobby, attached to a rock. Mr. McNeil, seemingly reeling from the effects of some over-the-counter medication, insists that I figure out a way to mention Jerry Lewis so often that this "blog" comes up first on the "internet" when he "googles" for Jerry Lewis. If I do not comply, McNeil insists that he will start his own "blog." He goes on to make some chilling threats on the Pendarvis Building itself, involving a catapult. It is sad to see such a bright young mind in so much distress. While I wait for the new interns, I will attempt to "blog" alone. Thank you for your patience in this matter.

Two Appearances This Week

I forgot to mention I'll be out running my mouth on two consecutive nights this week. On Thursday night at 6:30 you can catch Hollis Gillespie, Ramona Debreaux, and myself at the main branch of the Atlanta library. We'll be talking about how reading changed our lives. In my case, it made me come to school dressed as The Shadow in fourth grade, just on a whim, mind you, it wasn't "dress up day" or anything, which resulted in some painful memories I carry with me still. Come join the fun! Then on Friday night I'll be reading some fancy prose of mine at that art show I've mentioned before. I believe music will be provided by Hubcap City. That's the real draw! I'm not sure what time the activities start, but it's art, so you can come whenever you want.

Update

Well, Homais the apothecary has talked Charles Bovary into performing a delicate operation on the unfortunate stable boy. I'm afraid something's going to go horribly wrong! Meanwhile, Werewolf By Night is scrapping with a couple of bikers named "Little Man" and "Chains." I'm afraid something's going to go horribly wrong!

Good Parenting

Intrigued by a recent "posting," the parents of all-American boy Jeff McNeil wrote in to ask if Roy Clark is still alive. Not only is he alive, you can contact him! We're only too happy to help. That's what "blogs" are for! I may have to scrap the mission statement and start over from scratch, because Hee Haw is not mentioned anywhere in it. Jerry Lewis is, however. Which brings us to the second part of the communication we recently enjoyed with the McNeil family. It seems as if Jeff's daughter Kelsey is in trouble for a minor infraction. Her punishment? Watching CRACKING UP with Dad. It just may prove to be the defining moment of her life.

Big Day

It was a big day here in the Pendarvis Building. Several of the interns were let out for an impromptu "field trip." They had become all worked up and frenzied by Tom Bissell's recent "post". And as "video games" and "Xboxes" are not allowed into the compound, we made do very nicely with the purchase of a couple of gigantic paperback compilations of Moon Knight and Werewolf By Night. These are in black-and-white and printed on extremely cheap paper, but loads of fun for the kids. Color them yourself! Theresa bought a few issues of Wonder Woman, a few of The Spectre (he's the one popping out of the crystal ball in the accompanying illustration) and one of Dr. Strange. Then the weather turned spooky, perfect for reading comic books. But the fun wasn't over yet! Several of the interns piled into the old station wagon and headed out to see the new movie by Joey Lauren Adams. She's a good writer and director! It was the kind of deeply humane, quiet, unblinking slice-of-life you hardly see anymore, peppered with bone-dry humor. Oh yes, the title is COME EARLY MORNING. Which reminds me. I forgot to mention earlier that Pia Z. Ehrhardt's book is called FAMOUS FATHERS. Isn't that a great title?

Dispatch From Rome: The Sequel

Things are buzzing in Rome, the city of Romans. Correspondent Tom Bissell has been making the most of his time there. Just the other day he spent 10 hours playing a videogame called Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Before we get into the details, I want to tell everyone that I still haven't mastered "paragraph breaks" - a personal failure that I know makes it hard to read some of the longer "posts." Don't be sad! Just do the best you can. That's all anyone can ask! With that, we hand it over to Mr. Bissell and his Roman adventures: "I continue to find Thor disappointingly unpowerful," writes Mr. Bissell. "Though I like his Beta Ray Bill alternate uniform very much. I also love Captain America's World War II uniform (with his non-round, shield-shaped shield), and Daredevil's yellow-and-red uniform. I have yet to play Colossus, Ms. Marvel, Electra, Spider-Man, and the Thing. My current team is Daredevil (orginal uniform), Black Panther (new uniform, since the classic uni has a cape I don't like), Doctor Strange (classic uni), and Human Torch (original uni), who is also possibly the single most devastating player in the game. Alternates are Wolverine (original uniform, though sometimes I switch to classic), Storm (mohawk Storm), Moon Knight (new uniform, which is kind of awesomely ugly), and Ghost Rider (original uniform), who's awesome because he has the ability to spontaneously raise the dead if someone dies. To unlock Ghost Rider, you have to trade a teammate's soul for his when you find him in Mephisto's lair/hell. After much reflection, I decided to trade Captain America's soul. I figured Cap would have volunteered himself, given that the remainder of the team--this was my first time through--was Wolverine, Spider-Woman (black and white Secret Wars uniform), and Luke Cage (original uniform), none of whom are noted for their powerful consciences. So yes, while I live in Rome, this is about all I've been doing for the last two days. I have several things I need to write, and yet moving tiny little childhood heroes of mine around magnificently detailed little worlds, while beating up villains, is more compelling than Rome at the moment... I have recently infected another fellow here with the game--another comic book fan from way back. We played until three AM last night. We agreed that it is a good thing this game came out now, when we're in our early thirties, because had it come out when we were thirteen we may 1) have never lost our virginity and 2) killed ourselves out of the recognition that life would never offer us anything this awesome again. My friend can't believe you really get to go to Atlantis and the Skrull world, and Latveria, and Arcade's Murderworld, etc., etc. I can't either. It really is like a dream come true... All the characters have special moves, powers, exactly analogous to their comic book personas. Unlike a lot of fighting games, they are easy to pull off; this isn't one of those games that feels like Simon Says-esque memorization challenges. As for the moves, Moon Knight throws tiny little sharp crescent moons, and whips out the nunchucks to wail on ass. Wolverine has a great move called "Evisceration." Captain America throws his shield around, devastatingly. Luke Cage smashes people's faces into the ground. Ghost Rider has a move that sets people's hair on fire, after which they run around screaming. Move's name: "Fear." Awesome. Also, the graphics are absolutely beautiful. The intersticial cut-scene movies between boards are almost as good looking as a film, believe it or not. One more plus: the voice talent is more blast-from-the-past-type coolitude. Lady Sif, from Asgard (Thor's old girlfriend), is voiced by none other than Escape from New York's Adrienne Barbeau. Mr. Fantastic is voiced by An American Werewolf in London's David Naughton (who played the American werewolf in London [which come to think of it may be my favorite movie title of all time]). Excelsior!"