As It Were

"Unicorns in the Bible?" asks the NBIL. "It's true!" he answers himself. "Depending on which version you're reading," he qualifies. "I stumbled across Numbers 24:8 last night: 'God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.' On top of that, this prophecy is being spoken by a sorcerer! Wait, there's more! Here's an online concordance and here are all the translations." Thanks, NBIL! This is probably almost everything anyone will ever need to know about the fabulous unicorns of the Bible!

Original Fonzie

Today a guy quoted in the New York Times called Bob Hope "smart" and "funny" and "dapper." But in the same article, there was a gratuitous slur upon the talents of Jerry Lewis! What an emotional roller coaster. I was like, "New York Times, you're tearing me apart!" Hey, so I was looking for a youtube clip of James Dean yelling "You're tearing me apart!" to represent my state of mind but I couldn't find one succinct enough to satisfy me. In my search, however, I ran across the following Pepsi commercial starring James Dean. He's the one who is dissatisfied with the tinkling music coming out of the player piano... so he slaps it, and thanks to his magic James Dean touch (spoiler alert!) the piano starts playing a hep version of the Pepsi jingle that causes all the kids to cut a rug. James Dean was the original Fonzie!

Check Out the Corn, Dudes

You guys need to check out the can of corn over on Andy Hopkins's "blog." All the "internet" kids are talking about it.

Candy Stun

Today I was faced with a selection of candy bars and stunned myself by choosing a Payday. I didn't see that coming AT ALL!

Cherry Flavored Space Commander

Once again I violate my own rule and add a new photo to the memory banks of my dangerously overstuffed computing machine. I hereby give you Laura Lippman's "heavy glass robot." But as you can see, he is not a robot at all! He is clearly some sort of space commander. Another correction: the same "heavy glass robot" "post" was poorly worded on my part, and I made it sound as if I would have poured the robot (sic) down the sink. Clearly, I meant the cough syrup. But ha ha! The confusion reminds me of an old James Thurber joke. See, a guy has a large, lurid bump on his head and his friend asks why. "My wife threw tomatoes at me," comes the reply. The friend is astounded and bemused! How could tomatoes cause such an injury? The first man says, "They were still in the can." Thurber told it better. The "blog" regrets the errors.

Heavy Glass Robot

Over on her "blog," Laura Lippman is "blogging" about her penchant for collecting coin banks. Recently she picked up "a heavy glass robot that once was a container for children's cough syrup." And I was like, "Heavy Glass Robot would be a great name for a band!" Because I am one of those people I hate, one of those people who always says "that would be a great name for a band" no matter what anyone says. I believe there are other people who do this, but most of them stopped about midway through college in the 1980s. Apparently I never will. What else was I like? I was like, "Man, if I had had some children's cough syrup in a robot bottle I would have taken it all at one time so I could play with the robot! Or poured it down the sink at least." Which is why I am sure they no longer put children's cough syrup in a heavy glass robot. The end. For further reading: the time Laura Lippman and I talked about about mimes and robots.

Relaxing at Home

Michael Kupperman found a magazine photograph of Andy Griffith relaxing at home WITH A JACKHAMMER! (This isn't it. This is one of the "blog's" famous new random illustrations. To see Andy Griffith relaxing at home with a jackhammer, "click" on the part that says "WITH A JACKHAMMER.")

Accordion Prediction Eerily Prescient

I was right! The latest Dyna Moe MAD MEN illustration shows Joan playing the accordion. How could it be otherwise?

I Tickle Myself Into Sickness

Hey, over at VANITY FAIR James Wolcott has "blogged" nicely about my inaugural OXFORD AMERICAN column, which tickles me no end. Because you never know with James Wolcott! He is always a pleasure to read, but his wit is sharp and dangerous - which is a lot of fun when you have no inkling he might ever write about you. I am surprised and honored that he took notice of the piece and included a long passage from it in his "post." As for THIS "post," the one you are reading now, I think it is a fine example of what I do best as a "blogger": find out that someone has "blogged" about me and "blog" about that person "blogging" about me. And yes, I am aware that being self-aware about such self-promotion makes it no less boastful, shameful, or grotesque. Yet here we are. Have I mentioned the ouroboros lately? (Hey, do these randomly chosen pictures I have been using to illustrate my "posts" begin to seem oracular to you?)

Summoning Up a Blue Dot

McNeil doesn't understand what's up with these video games these kids are playing nowadays. His nephews, he said, play one in which "they walk through a forest with their pet leopards" and "summon up a blue dot to help them." McNeil said he disapproved because "It has nothing to do with my daily life. That's why I love PERICLES and hate THE WINTER'S TALE." I was astonished by his strong opinions!

A Hasty Man

Speaking of interesting old 45s, here I am violating my own rule again by adding a new image to my already dangerously overloaded computer. But it had to be done! As promised, I watched THERE'S A GIRL IN MY SOUP all the way through to its closing credits, so I could find out for McNeil who sang "Arabella Cinderella." Here is the single, and as you can see, the performer is Mike d'Abo. I found the picture on Mr. d'Abo's "web" site, which he still maintains (I think; his last message appears to be from 2007, though the site itself was updated just a few weeks ago). The main page shows Mr. d'Abo with his family, and they look very happy and nice, and I admit that I somewhat regret my easy dismissal of "Arabella Cinderella," of which, after all, only snippets are heard in the film. And what kind of man judges a snippet? A hasty man, that's what kind. Please note that the 45 cover includes a shot of Goldie Hawn flung over Peter Sellers's shoulder, and I must admit that her underpants are showing, which is out of keeping with the "blog's" usual policy vis-à-vis raciness. But the "blog's" editorial board decided that the unexpected discovery of the "Arabella Cinderella" 45 was of sufficient interest to allow for an exception. (By the way, having at last seen the film all the way through, I must admit that it does not adhere to the socio-comedic tradition of a ritualistic affirmation of bourgeois norms, as McNeil and I originally speculated. In fact - SPOILER ALERT! - Ms. Hawn traipses off into a seemingly abusive relationship and the abandoned Mr. Sellers reverts to shallow hedonism, and the whole thing turns out pretty bleak if you ask me, so who's bourgeois now? Well, the movie still is, somehow. As Henri Lefebvre observes in his CRITIQUE OF EVERYDAY LIFE, "Protesting against bourgeois stupidity and oppression, the anarchic individualist is enclosed in 'private' consciousness, itself a product of the bourgeois era, and no longer understands human power and the community upon which that power is founded. The historical forms of this community, from the village to the nation, escape him… By following alienation to its very extremes he is merely playing into the hands of the bourgeoisie.") A final curiosity: Ms. Hawn's underpants are a bright, shiny green in the actual film. The 45 jacket has faded, perhaps, or there was a mistake by the printer, or perhaps the color was purposefully altered. Another mystery!

The Excessive Cordon Bleu Impulse

Whenever I talk about the "blog" of Andy Hopkins, I seem to emphasize the mom-and-pop grocery store angle and not the way he digs up old homemade novelty 45s and lets you listen to them RIGHT THERE ON HIS "BLOG." Recently, for example, he put up one called "Truck Drivers Don't Eat Duck." I don't want to give away too much of the story (SPOILER ALERT!) but this truck driver stops at a roadside cafe, where the waitress offers him "duck under glass" (!), prompting his memorable response. As always, the best part is Andy's thorough analysis. "The key changes are idiosyncratic, but the lead guitarist makes taste, not waste, when finessing the leaps," he notes. At the end of the song (MORE SPOILERS!) the truck driver vows to order chicken cordon bleu next time and fling it in the face of his hardworking server, which seems excessive to say the least. Surely the waitress did not choose the daily special. She is just trying to make an honest buck like anybody else. The source of the truck driver's rage is hard to pinpoint, and the object of it curious indeed! As Karl Marx observed, "This antagonism [of worker vs. worker] is artificially kept alive and intensified by the press, the pulpit, the comic papers, in short, by all the means at the disposal of the ruling classes." It is something to think about with Labor Day coming up.

The Collected Short Stories of Larry King

I usually cut-and-paste Larry King's twitter messages for you, but this time I will just let you "click" on one, because I don't want to spoil it. It's sort of like a Lydia Davis short story! I call it "Irwin."

Whose Loathing Is Well Known

Over on therumpus.net they have "linked" to this information about exotic pigeons, including such old favorites as the "short faced English tumbler" and the "frillback." At this moment, my sister, whose loathing of pigeons is well known, is glad that I am no longer adding new pictures to the "blog" as a general rule. (I should give credit for today's recycled picture to the wonderful Jason Polan, who also illustrated my debut column in THE BELIEVER this month.) In conclusion, no one is forcing my sister to "click" on the pigeon "link"! I hope she remembers that! Tempting, though, isn't it? Like William Shatner peeking out the window of the plane in that TWILIGHT ZONE episode. You know, the faulty search feature here informs me that I have never before "blogged" about pigeons or William Shatner, which is absurd, because every single person with a "blog" has at some point "blogged" about William Shatner and pigeons. So this "post" took me about as long to complete as a novel. But it was worth it, wasn't it?

You're All Right, Slug

Occasionally a slug will get into the house. We've never had that problem before moving here. Never encountered a slug, somehow. I guess wherever you live, different kinds of creatures can get into your house. Slugs aren't so bad. They seem to have personalities. Maybe it's in the way they wag their stately heads to and fro. I'm not saying I'd recognize a particular slug if I ever saw it again, but they have the air of little individuals. I realize I am indulging in what is technically called the "pathetic fallacy." I take the slugs outside and toss them into the greenery. Do slugs enjoy greenery? They seem as if they might. If you have never read anyone's "blog" before, this is what a "blog" is. I'm not sure what you expected!

I Proved It

I still contend that Jerry Lewis is punk rock and if you would care to check, you will find that I proved it on May 31, 2008.

What I Would Be Then

I would be upset that A CULTURAL DICTIONARY OF PUNK doesn't contain an entry on the Mekons, but then I would be one of those cranky old guys who are upset when dictionaries don't contain entries on things.

Talk About Punk Rock

Look, everybody! This is Amanda Stern when she was in high school. Talk about punk rock! (Note: this "post" does not follow our new "random picture" rule, because the picture is whole point.)

A Message From Lippman

I just got a message from Laura Lippman about C.P.O. SHARKEY. For some reason, nothing has ever made me happier.