The Man Can Draw a Piccolo

Say what you will about Jason Polan, the man can draw a piccolo! Just got my January BELIEVER magazine, and Mr. Polan illustrated my column with a wonderful picture of a piccolo. I always forget to tell you how great Jason Polan is. He is great. I don't think you can see his illustrations for my column on the "internet" so you need to take a look at the real live magazine. I haven't found a Jerry Lewis reference in this issue - yet! - but Greil Marcus mentions Bob Hope.

Actually, That's True

You know I don't care for the "internet" bookseller behemoth but just love the customer comments. Like, I was just thinking about MY DINNER WITH ANDRE and I looked over there on the behemoth and here is one review: "they hardly ate anything. a bite or 2 of each portion."

Shut Up

Another resolution I failed to keep was to bring monkeys back to the forefront of the "blog" where they belong in 2010. I quoted Clarice Lispector on the subject of monkeys, showed you a chimp on a Mekons album cover, and asked the musical question "Can it possibly be true that Sergio Leone illustrated a book about a monkey in a rocket?" A couple of times I mentioned chimpanzees using tools - but only to compare them unfavorably with crows! That's just five measly mentions in a year, and some of those are really chimpanzee references, and yes, I know that chimpanzees are not monkeys, so shut up. Shut up! Maybe this is why I don't "blog" about monkeys anymore. I hope you're happy now! You ruined the fun for everybody.

Goober Hat Debacle

Gosh, I was going to get everybody on the planet wearing Goober hats in 2010, and I forgot. I used to be ABOUT something, man! Too late now, I guess. OR IS IT? I think this is the first time I've even mentioned Goober hats in 2010. I'm such a loser. (Like so many of the "internet's" best Goober hat pictures, this one comes from a "blog" called "I'm Learning to Share.")

Let's Get Annotated!

Every year, as you well know, the "blog" advent calendar brings fun and enlightenment to young and old alike. The fuel it runs on is surprise, so it would ruin the "blog" advent calendar to explain anything about it until it is complete in its glory and has been enjoyed by one and all in the spirit of anticipation, wonder, and universal good cheer. But sometimes there are one or two items that might be enhanced with footnotes after the fact, and such is the case once again this year. Here are this year's "blog" advent calendar annotations, helpfully numbered according to their original placement on this year's "blog" advent calendar: 10. So Mary Worth was stalked in her eponymous comic strip and they made a coffee mug representing her encounter with her stalker. Okay! I found this one the night before I "posted" it, and here is the weird thing: when I found it, the mug cost $13.99. But THE VERY NEXT MORNING, when I "posted" it, the price had mysteriously gone up to $14.99! AND THAT'S NOT ALL! After I "posted" it, when I visited other "web" sites with advertising sidebars, OFTEN the Mary Worth stalker mug would be featured, probably thanks to "cookies" or some other innocent sounding, horrible "internet" thing I don't understand. Mary Worth's stalker was stalking me around the "internet"! In one case, the mug was advertised for the price of $19.99! I have no idea what this means, except that computers are spying on us, but we knew that. 11. This man has lots of ideas, including one I thought was mine! In my novel AWESOME, the title character - a giant who invents things - wants to construct a highway with grooves like LP grooves in it, and to have cars fitted with special tires that would play the music embedded in the highway, the way a phonograph needle plays a record. I thought I made it up! But I was shocked and sort of depressed to discover that this guy had already thought of it. He writes: "Carve computer-generated ripples in the surface of a main highway, and when vehicles pass over the surface, mysterious voices whisper, and distant music plays... Little sub-threshold voices which say 'Buy popcorn.'" His version requires no special tires. BUT GET THIS! He suffered a letdown too, because he in turn discovered that ROADS LIKE THIS ALREADY EXIST IN REAL LIFE! So I guess we are both suckers for thinking we are so great and everything. 21. You don't know who Charley Weaver is. Why should you? He was a folksy character created by the actor Clifford Arquette (grandfather to Patricia and Rosanna Arquette). Arquette (in character as Charley Weaver) was on HOLLYWOOD SQUARES with Paul Lynde. I want to say he sat on the bottom row, at the end, but I can't swear to it. The little automated Charley Weaver toy is great. In addition to making and drinking its little cocktail, and its nose turning red through special lighting effects, Mr. Ward says that smoke originally came out of its ears. Puzzling, though: the Charley Weaver persona did not involve Foster Brooks-like drunkenness as far as I can recall... certainly Charley Weaver would have never imbibed anything requiring the use of a cocktail shaker - more like a Mason jar. So the toy is weird in that regard. Let me also say that there is one of these behind the counter at the Ajax Diner, inert, and often have I stared at it and wondered about its function - a coin bank? - as I drank sweet tea and ate pot roast and butter beans at the bar. Now I know! 22. I didn't realize until my brother-in-law David sent me the video that the Lambton worm was such a big deal. I knew the song from the Ken Russell movie LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM, but if I thought about it at all, I stupidly and incuriously figured it was a fake folk song they made up to suit the needs of the plot. But man, there are so many versions on youtube! One guy sings it with his shirt off and possibly his pants off for all I know. The brother-in-law visited for Christmas. He walked into Square Books on Christmas Eve and by fate walked straight to a book about dragons containing a chapter on the Lambton worm. Have you ever noticed that whenever you start thinking about the Lambton worm he turns up everywhere? So I guess the Lambton worm is very popular and I never knew it. (I started this "post" last night but then I got too tired to explain who Charley Weaver was. It seemed soul crushing. Life is hard!) Pictured, Charley Weaver and LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM. See if you can figure out which is which!

The Rip Taylor Chronicles

Yesterday when we were discussing Rip Taylor, I shamefully neglected to mention that back in our TV days together, Mr. Ward, Kent, and I once worked with Mr. Taylor. As I recall, Mr. Taylor was out of confetti and Mr. Ward and I, as "the producers," were responsible for making sure that he had a fresh batch of a certain weight and grade... confetti that did not "linger in the the air" was, I believe, Mr. Taylor's requirement.

As Promised

Foreground: my brother. Background: Rip Taylor. God bless us, every one!

A Christmas Miracle!

My brother saw Rip Taylor on Christmas Day! While I wait for the photo, enjoy this one of Mr. Taylor with Greg Brady and Vincent Price - natch!

Stocking Stuffer

I hate to brag on Christmas Day but that's the kind of person I am. You know who Anthony Bourdain is! He is this guy. And I am on his "end of the year" "fave" list. The joke is on him, because I haven't done anything this year, or for the past several years. I just sit around feeling sorry for myself! It's fun! But I guess Anthony Bourdain likes it! I assume that reading me is like eating some secret and horrible part of a strange goat. Chef Bourdain kindly writes, "It’s never too late to catch up with anything and everything by Jack Pendarvis, Barry Hannah..." then he goes on to name several other people, including "blog" "faves" Charles Portis, Joan Didion, Charles Willeford, and so many more, luscious delicacies to my musky goat part. "Click" here to read the whole article for yourself. Thanks, Anthony Bourdain! You are nice! I'm just sitting here stuffing my own stocking.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 25, 2010

As you will no doubt recall, this is the special day when all of our "blog" advent calendar goodies are revealed in their entirety, yes, in a wonderful parade of delights for you to savor and enjoy. And after that, the very last "blog" advent calendar entry of the year is presented, to universal acclaim and wonderment, so here we go: 1. The Doctor's Secret Baby. 2. Astrolabes! 3. from 1916, THE ELECTRICAL EXPERIMENTER magazine. 4. The Boswell Sisters sing a song. 5. "The Universe of Bagpipes" 6. glittery pine cones 7. Pat Sajak's ears are bleeding. 8. a fairy tale from the Isle of Man. 9. a video of "Baby I Love You" sung by Aretha Franklin. 10. Mary Worth has a stalker and now they have put him on a coffee mug! 11. A guy with tons of ideas. 12. a player piano plays "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" 13. an institution for the academic study of cravats 14. From Disney, a cartoon about dancing skeletons 15. history of a one-man band and one-man bands in general 16. 19th-century lighthouse keepers 17. contrabass serpent photo gallery 18. an enormous collection of old menus 19. two guys playing crumhorns in a stairwell 20. in a factory making golf balls by hand 21. Battery operated "Charlie Weaver" novelty item 22. folk song of the famous Lambton worm 23. through the decades with ventriloquist Dick Bruno and his little friend Joe Flip 24. Patent for a yo-yo. And finally, your final excitement of the year may be experienced by "clicking" here. Happy holidays!

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 24, 2010

Hi!

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 23, 2010

Another surprise.

Mummenschanz! Mummenschanz?

Remember when I told you about Mummenschanz and you were like, "So what?" I will admit that I thought neither of us would ever have to contemplate Mummenschanz again. Yet according to the New York Times, Mummenschanz is back for some reason and everyone is confused. Half the audience wants a hot dog and the other half wants to stroke their beards and go, "Hmm, I see." Mummenschanz! Now let's make a pact to forget Mummenschanz forever.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 22, 2010

Today's entry in the "blog" advent calendar comes to you courtesy of my brother-in-law David, and here it is.

George Lazenby's Agent

You know who came over tonight? That's right, Ace Atkins! He brought a bootleg (this illustration will give you some idea of the print quality) of a movie called UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (1971). I am paraphrasing, but Ace said that George Lazenby's agent told him, and I quote, "James Bond is for losers! No one is going to watch a James Bond movie ever again! The counterculture is where it's at! You need to be in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER!" So George Lazenby gave up a multi-million dollar deal for James Bond and starred as "Ryker" in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. How do I know his character's name is Ryker? Because the singers on the soundtrack keep singing "Oh Ryker! Oh Ryker!" George Lazeby's agent somehow scored a rather sizable speaking part in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. I know this because when he came on the screen, Ace Atkins said, "That's George Lazenby's agent!" Dr. Theresa and Ace and I are going to form a gang called the Rykers. We're going to walk around Oxford with hair and moustaches and leather trench coats like Ryker's. In one scene, Ryker plays with a Frisbee and he's really good at it.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 21, 2010

Today's "blog" advent calendar surprise comes to you from Mr. Ward. And here it is.

The Magical Cell Phone of Childlike Wonder

Isn't it time we came together as a community to eradicate the plague of overly leisurely carousel restoration? Well, thanks to modern cell phone technology, we are closer to that goal than ever before! Aren't you sick of my descriptions of various commercials I see? Yeah? Not as sick as I am of describing them to you! And yet our strange dance continues. Like the other night I saw this commercial about a guy who, I don't know, looks like he just got out of college and now he lives in a loft? Maybe? We don't see the loft or anything, I'm just guessing. But I think he majored in art or something? Or maybe he's in a band? And he happens to see some lonesome guy struggling to restore an antique carousel in a barn, you know, the way people do. So the loft guy uses his magical cell phone to call all his friends AT THE SAME TIME. But get this: though he sends a text, he doesn't have to type. He just says something to his phone, something like, "Let's help this stranger restore his antique carousel," but he sounds enervated, so it's a good thing his phone TYPES IT UP for him and sends it to EVERYONE HE KNOWS. Enervated? He's wanly smirking, as if drained and confused by his new, post-ironic feelings, brought on by the sight of the struggling carousel repairman. And then all his friends come bursting forth from coffee houses (literally!) and start gingerly removing antique carousel horses from burlap or something, and before you know it everything is lit up and the carousel is spinning and a child model with bangs hanging in his eyes is gazing at stuff with something that is probably supposed to be wonder on his face, but he is just too cool to smile. I don't mean to pick on the kid, who was just doing what the director told him, but his was the only image from the commercial I could find to show you.

Cat Power

Hey, remember that "post" about the cat who seemingly made the bird fall out of the tree? I meant to title it "Cat Power" but I forgot. Oh well. That would have been amusing for everyone.

"Blog" Advent Calendar For Dec. 20, 2010

Whatever will it be?

Sepsey Says

Our friend Sepsey says he read (in a book by Sarah Bakewell) that Montaigne's cat once "gazed intently into a tree until a bird fell out of it, dead, right between her paws."