Modern!

You know all about the free books they give away at the university library coffee shop, and how sometimes one of them will be a tawdry-looking mass-market paperback promising sexy shenanigans at a university, which is weird. I found one of those today, bearing the strangely clerical title NO TRANSFER. Declares the front cover, "Required curriculum at Modern University: sex, kicks, fun and games." Yes, the sexy university is named "Modern University." That's really its name! As in, "The bus whined and slowed... 'Modern University,' the driver said, and opened the door." And here's a blurb from the AMERICAN STATESMAN on the back: "Wanta take a 'Trip' without LSD? Step right this way, baby." Okay, got all that? So here are some representative examples of the prose inside: "At six-thirty we all moved to the dining room, sat down, and began eating without formalities... steak and potatoes, a salad, and pie." Sexy! "The next day, Gary's record player came. He'd written his parents before, asking them to send it. Now, just before the end of the term, it was here, along with a number of his records." Trippy! "Their life together was - no single word in my vocabulary could be adequate... She usually fixed some sandwiches, sometimes with canned soup, and with them they drank milk." The narrator is right! There is no word in the English language adequate to describe such experiences!

Did Megan Abbott Dream Rip Torn's Beatnik Turtleneck?

Megan Abbott intrigued and tormented me by saying that she "almost wrote" about Rip and Bob in CRITIC'S CHOICE. She asks whether I remember Rip's "beatnik turtleneck" in the film. "Or did I dream it?" she asks wistfully.

A Rich, Full Life

I spent the morning looking in vain for Rip Torn references in my various Bob Hope books.

The Cat and the Matt

Joe Matt, that is! Ha ha ha ha ha! I love to have fun!

The Troublemakers

I am also calling this photo by Kent Osborne "The Troublemakers." Joey doesn't look like much of a troublemaker here, but Dr. Theresa (whom you may recall from her previous photo "The Troublemakers") is figuring out how to use her $5 umbrella as a weapon. If you look carefully, you can see ESPN magazine's Wright Thompson over her shoulder, through the window, looking scared to come outside, because of... "The Troublemakers."

Panelists Galore

Take a look, why don't you? It's my whole panel! Note how we walked around town Socratically, having Socratic dialogues like Socrates. There's Michael Kupperman in the hat, next to Joe Matt, and up the road a piece, Joyce Farmer and myself, all captured for posterity by Kent Osborne, most popularly known as "the Plato of the Oxford Conference for the Book."

The Troublemakers

Kent Osborne took a lot of great photos at the Oxford Conference for the Book. Over the next days I will share some of them with you. I call this one "The Troublemakers." It features Dr. Theresa (seated) and Elizabeth. In fact, I call all the pictures Kent took "The Troublemakers." But don't forget one thing, kids: it's not cool to smoke!

True Fact!

The romantic triangle in CRITIC'S CHOICE consists of Bob Hope, Lucille Ball, and a young Rip Torn. At one point Rip Torn luxuriates on Bob and Lucy's silken bedspread, smoking a cigar and barking insults at the elderly Hope. Here's a fun fact to share with your friends! In the movie the bedspread is sparkling blue. On this lobby card it is pink! Think about it for hours. I guess there's nothing you can count on in this world.

Fun With Eggs

While Kent was in town he found a copy of Alicia Silverstone's cookbook at Off Square Books and took a picture of it. Here is the part where Alicia Silverstone teaches you to make egg salad sandwiches!

Onion Party

I guess you're wondering why I didn't "blog" yesterday! It is probably all you think about! Well, lightning struck the night before last! I think it struck the house! Or at least the yard! It made the house shake! Dr. Theresa and I woke up screaming in terror! We sort of took turns screaming. We behaved like characters in a Coen Brothers movie! The lightning knocked a painting off the wall and broke the frame! It also killed part of our computer. Dr. Theresa had to drive out to Batesville to get the part! And now the computer is working again. Turned out only the power cord to the modem was really fried after all, maybe - I think this thing is called a modem. So don't worry! Though there was also enormous hail. But everything is okay now! You missed so much, though. Kent reminded me that HARDLY WORKING is a sad clown movie because it starts with Jerry Lewis sadly removing his clown makeup. That is just one thing you missed! Dr. Theresa and I left a party early. I guess after we were gone, Elizabeth ate a whole raw onion on a dare. Okay, I think that is all you missed.

Book Conference Ahoy

Ate grillades and grits last night in a big fancy house with movie stars, poets, comics artists, animators, Pulitzer prizewinners, painters, Paul from City Lights, Shakespeareans, scientists, book people of all varieties, then off for music at Ajax with much of the same bunch, and everybody was a great dancer, sure, but Dr. Theresa danced them all off the floor. Then Joe Matt walked Dr. Theresa and me home! And it was like living a page of a Joe Matt comic book! Book conference ahoy! This is what happens at a book conference, people. Isn't it about time you attended a book conference? You know you want to! Don't forget to come to my panel on Saturday with Joe Matt! Michael Kupperman! and underground comics pioneer Joyce Farmer (pictured, just nominated for a Reuben, the highest award in all of cartooning)!

Music Happy

Music is enjoyable! I sent some lyrics to Kelly Hogan to use on her new album that I believe is coming out soon. I thought I was writing a George Jones song, kind of, except not as good, and when I hit the old "send" button I was kind of nervous about it, but then Kelly Hogan sent my words to Andrew Bird and he wrote music for them and Kelly did her magic on everything, which is what she does, and all of a sudden it is a Dusty Springfield song, except not really, I am just saying it went over from what I thought was the George Jones ballpark (or somewhere in the parking lot of the George Jones ballpark) to something like the DUSTY IN MEMPHIS ballpark, but what it really sounds like is a Kelly Hogan song! And suddenly my faux George Jones thing has EMOTIONAL VALIDITY and when Kelly sings it YOU WILL BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE'S LIFE IS BEING DESTROYED through the medium of beautiful music and it will make you feel funny inside. No, you can't hear it yet. Be patient and keep on the alert!

People Enjoy Books

Don't forget that the Oxford Conference for the Book starts today! Everyone who ever wrote a book will be there. Why not you?

Don't Be Like That

Are you a fan of things that are great? Then don't forget to come see Mark Childress read from his new novel GEORGIA BOTTOMS - 5 PM today at Off Square Books and if you don't come you are the dumbest person alive.

Ironing Sinbad's Pants

Hey! I was at the City Grocery Bar last night, and what should my grad student Bill pull out of his backpack but the very copy of SINBAD'S GUIDE TO LIFE I had encountered in the library coffee shop! He was unaware of my mild interest in the volume and it was merely the happiest of coincidences. Here is what I have learned: Sinbad pulls off the neat trick of blurbing himself! On the front flap of the dust jacket he writes, "My friend Oprah Winfrey has called me 'the funniest person in the world.'" Well, that's a paraphrase, as close as my poor weak old memory will allow. Be fair to Sinbad and do your research! Bill has notified me that the last chapter of the book is entitled "Ironing My Pants."

Sadly

I am devoting the rest of my life to "posting" extremely short little "posts" about the relationship of Doris Day and Jack Carson, as related to me by Megan Abbott. Here's the latest: "Sadly, she dumped him for that husband of hers that stole all her money... what a heel."

A Picture of Doris Day and Jack Carson Dressed As Rabbits

... is what this is. Provided by Megan Abbott. See also.

Sizzling Celebrity Gossip

Welcome once again to "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip" - the exclusive "blog" feature that brings you all the latest in sizzling celebrity gossip. THIS JUST IN! Megan Abbott reports that Jack Carson and Doris Day were "an item." That's it for this edition of "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip"!

Treats Within Treats

Say, do you like MILDRED PIERCE? Well, Megan Abbott has written a nice "post" about MILDRED PIERCE, and within it are nestled some reflections on "blog" fave Jack Carson AND a "link" to another MILDRED PIERCE piece by Laura Lippman! It's like the delicious Tootsie Roll center hidden in your Tootsie Pop brand snack treat!

Speaking of Trumpets and Sad Clowns

Speaking of trumpets and sad clowns, it occurs to me that one of the favorite movies of my friend from Hubcap City - CHILDREN OF PARADISE - is an essential sad clown movie with lots of trumpet in it. Just dig this sad clown action! If you dare!