Life In a Shoe Factory

Turns out Mr. Ward watches the televised television program PARENTHOOD, and he has cleared up a few things for me. For example, it is not about life in a shoe factory, despite what my few glimpses have strongly suggested. Lauren Graham, according to Mr. Ward, plays "an underachiever, and every man she meets falls in love with her. A poor man loves her and a rich man loves her and a schoolteacher loves her." I asked Mr. Ward how she could be considered an underachiever when, according to a scene I saw, she invented a shoe. "Well, she had an idea for a shoe," Mr. Ward clarified. Then he added, with a touch of sarcasm in his voice, "She doesn't believe in herself." He said that her character talks compulsively and a scene will often end with her stream of words still trailing off. "Actually, her speech pattern is a lot like Hank Kimball's on GREEN ACRES," Mr. Ward concluded.

Foodstuffs!

Welcome once again to "Foodstuffs!" - the world's most beloved column about foodstuffs. Time for a "Foodstuffs!" quiz. Q: How do you know when the Southern Foodways Symposium is in town? A: You walk out of your house and spot the awesome Adolfo Garcia strolling down the sidewalk in full chef regalia. That's what I just did! And that's the end of the quiz. Side note: Sadly, sadly, I am not involved with this year's symposium, meaning that I have to walk around town looking for people dressed as chefs, hoping some food will fall out of their pockets.

Owl Movement

Friend of the "blog" Brian Z. chimes in with the best thing I have ever heard: he once played an owl on stage! Here's the kicker: he did it in COLLEGE. Plus he was "trained in owl movement." Suddenly I love college again.

Return of Owl

Speaking of owls, as I once was a long time ago, you remember how I told you that all great literature has owls in it? Here is more proof. It's an issue of TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE by Michael Kupperman, and may be found in the compilation TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE, VOL. 1. But wait! There's more! If you "click" here you can see a version of this same cover done by "blog" "fave" illustrator Dyna Moe. It's on a "web" site called "Covered." This is where artists go to reinterpret comic book covers by other artists - like a "cover" band "covering" favorite songs! There is a really scary rendition ("click" here) of Bob Hope, for example.

Old Brainy

After my comments yesterday, I decided it was clearly MY DUTY to flip back and forth between simultaneous episodes of the broadcast television network programs THE GOOD WIFE and PARENTHOOD and present you with my findings. When I first flipped to PARENTHOOD, Lauren Graham was walking around in what appeared to be a warehouse full of shoeboxes, I SWEAR, suggesting ONCE AGAIN that despite its title, PARENTHOOD is about the shoe industry. I could not help but notice, meanwhile, that THE GOOD WIFE employed TWO actors from GILMORE GIRLS, as if to slap PARENTHOOD in the face (Lauren Graham portrayed one of the eponymous "Gilmore Girls")! Logan, the slick and unworthy boyfriend of Rory on GILMORE GIRLS, portrays a slick, unworthy lawyer on THE GOOD WIFE. Lauren Graham's own TV FATHER, Mr. Gilmore, played an attorney on last night's episode as well! This feels like a particularly low blow, breaking up the family AND sourly commenting on the very title of the rival show. Or maybe Edward Hermann just needed a job. Hey, remember when Doyle from GILMORE GIRLS went to work for the MAD MEN and the universe began to fold in on itself? Now the process is practically complete! It turns out that Peggy's cool Greenwich Village friend from MAD MEN (pictured, left) is just an insecure high school kid in the warped Bizarro world of PARENTHOOD. And they are BOTH actually David Mamet's daughter in really real real life for real! That's it, brain! These are the things you need to work on. Pack 'em in tight, brainy! You're going to need this stuff one day.

Lauren Graham Shoe Expo

These two shows THE GOOD WIFE and PARENTHOOD come on at the same time. Which one to watch? How about neither? That sounds like the best idea of all! But I did see two minutes of PARENTHOOD last week and can confirm my earlier suspicion: it is all about Lauren Graham and a shoe she invented. Why else would it be that every two minutes of that show I happen to catch is about Lauren Graham and her adventures in the footwear business? Last week's two minutes took place at a big shoe expo, and of course Lauren Graham was there - probably demonstrating the shoe she invented - and these two guys were there and Lauren Graham's eyes darted subtly back and forth, expressing this thought: "Here I am at the shoe expo and these two gentlemen are rivals for my affection!" I had no context and she said it all with her eyes. That's acting! Still: neither. I am not going to illustrate this "post" because there are no pictures on the "internet" of Lauren Graham inventing a shoe, but I swear I am not making that up. Or maybe I will find a picture of the little elves that helped the cobbler, you know those guys.

Celebrities Are Everywhere

Hey, remember when my brother had his picture made with MC Hammer? Sure you do! You probably printed it out and put it somewhere you can always see it. Well, like father like son, I guess, because here is my nephew Ozzy with Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Hello Dolly

You know how Martin Scorsese or Spike Lee will put an actor on a dolly and pull him or her along so that he or she is kind of gliding instead of walking? And there's a weird jerkiness to it and weird music is usually playing and it's all so very disorienting (I think it happens for a few seconds in THE HANGOVER as well)? Well, I do an impersonation of that. It all started when we were in a restaurant with plastic palm trees and some weird music was playing while we waited for our food. Dr. Theresa loves it! We have a lot of time on our hands. Goodbye.

Jerk

Thoughtful persons may ask how I can give McNeil grief about his beloved space monolith yet show nothing but respect for the great Sun Ra, who claimed to be from Saturn. Well, I don't know. I guess I'm just a jerk.

Trudy Truly

I was reading the "internet" today - by the way, have you read the "internet"? You simply must! I'm almost done with it. Don't tell me how it ends! - and discovered that the person who portrays Trudy on MAD MEN is also the star of a current sitcom of which I have seen several episodes. But I never knew she was the same person! What can the explanation be? 1) She is so good at her job that she completely transforms herself into whatever character she plays. 2) I am a blind old man who is dumb and not terribly observant. 3) I am delusional, and whenever I watch MAD MEN I think I am spying via a magical device on real people living in a different time or plane of existence, therefore my brain cannot accept that an actor might be portraying one of them. I believe it's a combination of 1 and 3. With some 2 mixed in.

Further Adventures of McNeil and His Monolith

Worried about McNeil. He's got that monolith of his on the brain. He sent an email titled "A-ha!" Have you ever received an email titled "A-ha!"? Then you know it's never a good sign. There was a "link" to an article in that email: "Mars 'Monolith' Fuels Theories of Alien Life." I'm not going to bother you with it. There is nothing about alien life in it. There's stuff like this: "Layering from rock deposition combined with tectonic fractures creates right-angle planes of weakness such that rectangular blocks tend to weather out and separate from the bedrock... It is not that unusual." I think McNeil is just reading the headlines. And wearing a homemade hat to keep out the space rays. A terrible side effect: McNeil mania is spreading! Wishing to chip in, my sane friend Lee Durkee (you should read his wonderful novel RIDES OF THE MIDWAY) sends me a "link" to a "web" site about UFOs... the kind I can't show you because it's on that bad part of the "internet" from which you might never return. And I can't be responsible! The comments section is filled with things like "THIS should convince people those objects weren't balloons" and the evocative if impenetrable "Let's not forget the disappearing village."

Clint Eastwood and Sun Ra

So I am reading John F. Szwed's biography of Sun Ra. One of Sun Ra's friends said of him, "Sonny was no threat to anyone - especially other musicians - he never threatened to become 'successful.'" Bear in mind, this is said with admiration. I especially like the quotation marks around "successful." I am going to put it in a big pile with my favorite quotations about... about what?... by Jasper Johns, John Ashbery, a Maine antiques dealer, Kierkegaard, Frank Kermode, and Chuang Tzu - yes, Sun Ra here sounds like the great, gnarled tree of Chuang Tzu I like to natter on and on about. In the New York Times today, there's a gem from old Clint Eastwood, and we'll chuck in the pile for good measure: "When something hits you and excites your interest, there’s really no reason to kill it with improvements." Kill it with improvements! Eastwoodian! So in a way - though they both belong in the pile somehow - Eastwood is the opposite of Sun Ra, who at the time of which his friend was speaking had a non-stop rehearsal going in his room for a band that would never play in public - yes, a rehearsal that virtually NEVER STOPPED and was not directed to any END in the usual sense of a rehearsal - so, a rehearsal for what? EXACTLY! Ouch, I just blew my own mind. Wait! I've got it. What do we VALUE? Where does value lie? Maybe that is what - like the aforementioned Maine antiques dealer - Clint Eastwood and Sun Ra are asking us to consider.

Spider Walk

I saw my friend from the Audubon Society last night. She had just returned, she said, from a "spider walk," during which she took several interested parties on a walk, looking for spiders, hence the term "spider walk." Participants were not required to walk LIKE spiders; I asked. She told me about some spiders whose eyes reflect light, like the eyes of a cat. Her description ended with "and soon there will be thousands of eyes looking at you," which was terrifying, though she didn't seem to know it, and sounded rather jolly about the prospect. There are these other spiders that spit. "It's a wall of spit, not a spray," she said. She sounded happy about that, too.

Barbara Billingsley

Sad to hear that Barbara Billingsley passed away. Mr. Ward and I worked with her a long time ago, and she could not have been sweeter or more professional. I recall that she had a cold, and we were working outside on a windy day and she never complained, but did everything with more dedication, grace, and aplomb than was necessary, and at long last we sent her away with a limo driver who rubbed his damp hands together a lot and skulked around looking suspicious, so that when the car pulled away, we said, "Well, that's the last anyone will ever see of Barbara Billingsley!" Mr. Ward tried to secretly videotape some of our conversation with her in her trailer, because we just couldn't believe we were talking to her, but I think all he got on camera was the top of her head. All I can recall now about that conversation is that she was mildly scolding Martin Sheen about something (in absentia). In closing, I will remark that LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (which plays an important part in the title novella of my second book) had some great, subtle writing and acting on it, especially in its early days, so you should take another look at it if you recall it as a cliché. The only thing that seemed to make Barbara Billingsley mad was when people talked about "June Cleaver vacuuming while wearing high-heeled shoes and pearls." THAT was the cliché, and it really steamed and insulted her, though of course she remained mild and gracious while expressing herself on the subject. I seem to recall that on the day we spoke, she was a tiny bit exasperated because Oprah had said something about it. So don't give Barbara Billingsley any guff, not today. Another day we'll try to figure out why she's wearing pearls in every single picture on the "internet." What a nice person. Bye, Barbara Billingsley!

Kelp Reference

Although such a thing hardly seems possible, I appear to have missed a Jerry Lewis reference in yesterday's New York Times. Forgive me! In a theater review, a character is described as being "tricked out with a Jerry Lewis overbite." Now I am sure that Ben Brantley realizes that Jerry Lewis does not have an overbite. I assume he is thinking of Julius Kelp, the nutty professor in the film of that title. I refer Mr. Brantley to my recent Stanley Belt reference as a guide. Gosh, I'm glad that's settled.

A City Council Meeting With Owls

Owls! So, Ace Atkins and I went to the movies tonight. He admitted that the last movie he saw was the 3D cartoon movie about owls, because he has a kid. But his kid fell asleep during that one. "The owls talked politics most of the time. The movie was basically a city council meeting with owls," Ace explained.

Human Interest

In today's New York Times we meet a fellow who believes in "genies, aliens, sea serpents and strange swamp creatures." A reporter hops into the car with this gentleman and off they go into "the woods off Whangtown Road... Mr. Imbrogno recalled the excitement and confusion that erupted in 1983 when people began spotting UFOs in this area. On just one night, hundreds said they saw them." I think it was yesterday, maybe the day before, when the NYT ran a story about a man who claims to be a saint. The reporter described him sitting in his shabby little apartment tapping the ash from his cigarette into an empty pineapple can, I think. What is the tone of these stories? I can't quite grasp it. Is it, "Ha ha ha! People are weird. But we're the New York Times, so we're going to be understated about the way we poke fun at them"? I recall the man from the Sunday Styles section who wrapped himself in carpet and asked people to stand on him.

All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up

Welcome once again to "All-Star Entertainment Wrap-Up," the one place on the "internet" for all the latest information on the celebrity stars of the world of entertainment. ITEM! You remember the young woman who eats dry oatmeal, don't you? Well, today I found out she prefers to be called "the girl who eats dry oatmeal," which I used to call her, but I stopped because I thought it sounded patronizing and sexist. When she was explaining her preference, she accidentally called herself a new variation: Oatmeal Girl. And she has decided she likes that name best of all. ITEM! Today Oatmeal Girl and I walked to campus to hear Bill Clinton give a speech in the great outdoors. Bill Clinton was literally a million hours late! The crowd became a little cranky. The sun burned off THE SAME HALF OF MY FACE again! But finally Bill Clinton arrived and had everyone spellbound with his spellbinding ways. And no kidding, right after he began to speak, the sun magically disappeared behind the roof of the structure from which he was speaking. Bill Clinton made the mean sun go away with the power of his oratory! Earlier, a friend of Oatmeal Girl had correctly predicted that just such a thing might happen! Thank you, Bill Clinton! ITEM! Bill Clinton ended his speech with a Faulkner quotation. He put on some white-framed half-glasses to read it. Oatmeal Girl said the glasses were "cute." Inspired by Clinton's Faulkner reference, Oatmeal Girl and I made our way to Faulkner's house, which neither of us had visited in quite some time. ITEM! Who was walking out of Faulkner's woods but TOM WAITS? That's right, I buried the lead. TOM WAITS! Tom Waits, walking for some reason I have not ascertained with "Blog" Buddy Ace Atkins! Also with Tom Waits was his wife Kathleen Brennan, who has co-written so many of his songs, and of course the man who takes care of Faulkner's house was leading them all on a merry chase or something. ITEM! Oatmeal Girl and I witnessed Bill Clinton give a speech and shook hands with Tom Waits. In one day! How did that happen? I guess it's all thanks to Mr. William Faulkner.

24

The magic number is 24. On October 24th, Tom Franklin's new novel CROOKED LETTER, CROOKED LETTER will officially debut at #24 on the New York Times Best Seller List! This is the inside scoop and you can take it to the bank. New York Times Best Seller Tom Franklin, everybody! Sometimes things work out the way they should.

McMonolithic!

I suppose at some point I am going to have to study the 9-minute clip McNeil sent of a nice old man making a speech at a UFO banquet. The speaker is, McNeil opines, "somebody Albert Brooks would dream up. He kept repeating how he wasn't as funny as the other guys before him - but then he went ahead and told his 'feed limit' joke anyway. Hilarious." Or he's like Stanley Belt in THE PATSY, I suggested, to which McNeil responded with a hearty and affirming cheer. "And then to go and talk about aliens, and the guy he knows who talked to one..." McNeil continued. I don't know what he's talking about because I haven't made it past the first two minutes of the clip without being sad inside somehow and stopping. He (McNeil) also wants me to know that Carl Sagan (pictured) theorized that Phobos (the Martian moon upon which McNeil's beloved monolith rests) is hollow. Hollow, and (in Buzz Aldrin's words) "potato-shaped." Hollow and potato-shaped! Just like McNeil's head. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I kid because I love. Finally, as far as I can tell, McNeil's beloved monolith has never been named. Can we get up a petition to send to NASA? Can someone name this monolith after McNeil? Who is in charge of naming monoliths? Can we just start calling it something until the name catches on? Send your solutions to "Monolith" c/o "Writer" Oxford, MS 38655.