Allan Pinkerton

My tongue still hurts from when I bit it this morning. Is that weird? I have navigated every hurdle of "Blogspot" security to let you know. Is THAT weird? Well, listen to this. When I noticed that my tongue was still hurting, I remembered - just like Marcel Proust - something from childhood. I remember being told that Allan Pinkerton, the founder of the Pinkerton Detective Agency, bit his tongue and developed gangrene and that's how he died. "Huh," I thought (just now). "I can't be remembering that correctly. Let me look it up on Wikipedia. If Wikipedia says it, I will consider it true, using my memory from childhood as a secondary source. If Wikipedia mentions no such thing, I will stop thinking about this because I am too lazy to look it up properly." So I looked at what Wikipedia had to say on the subject, and although it does not jibe entirely with my childhood memory of the manner of Allan Pinkerton's death, it's pretty close. If anything, their version is even scarier in the "death can strike at any time" sense! So, anyway, that's a weird thing to remember from childhood, I guess. Don't think I'm weird!

The Evil Robot Recommends

I must tell you there are now lots of "posts" - even more than I alerted you to before - about the Kentucky Derby over on Jamie Allen's "blog." And though the "Blogspot" people are making it rough for me to get anything through, because they believe I am an evil robot, I thought I owed it to you to give you an update. That's how much I care about you, the "blog" reader! To get the full Kentucky Derby report, start with this Jamie Allen "post" ("click" here) and keep going down the list until you hit this one ("click" here). Or I suppose you could do it chronologically and start with the latter, working your way back to the former, but given the way that "blogs" are set up, that seems harder. And I just want you to relax and have a nice time! Would an evil robot say that? Of course he would, if he were trying to fool you!

What "Blogspot" Thinks of Me

"Blogspot" has concluded that I "blog" so much I can only be a "spammer" automaton, as opposed to a human being. They are investigating me to make sure I am not an evil robot. Sadly, this is a true story. I can't wait to see what they decide!

Negativity Threatens to Overwhelm Cheery Disposition of "Blog"

Jeff McNeil writes in to pooh-pooh my enjoyment of the film AVANTI! (That exclamation point is in the original title, by the way, it's not one of mine.) It is time for us to bear in mind the fourth "blog"mandment.

Two Bad Things

This morning I was thinking so much about the "blog" that I bit my tongue and let my coffee get cold. This is a wrong way to live. Get on the good foot, Pendarvis!

Things I Can't Do

Phil Oppenheim sends in a breathtakingly mean-spirited email about the Gilmore Girls, one to which I cannot even make a reference without violating every human rule of decency. Did you want to hurt me, Phil? Because mission accomplished! Sheri Joseph writes in to suggest (not for the first time) that I get a myspace page. I've tried, Sheri! I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I give up. I've also forgotten my password and I think I'm banned for life somehow. Plus I look at those pages and they drive me nuts because I'm old. Too many colors and lights! Things are moving around and bouncing around and frankly I just don't suppose I'm man enough to keep it under control. Finally on today's list of things I can't do, I love TCM and watch it constantly, and I wish I could be a "guest programmer." I even tried to send Robert Osborne a copy of my first book so he would think it was awesome and ask me to help out with his busy workload as the face of the network. But that didn't happen. Right now TCM is having a "guest programmer" contest and I encourage all "Blog" Buddies to enter, especially Jeff McNeil and all the members of the Ivan Bonar Appreciation Society. I can't enter, to my horror. First of all, you have to "upload a video of yourself." What? I'm already lost. Second, I'm kind of sort of working for Cartoon Network at the moment, which probably disqualifies me (both networks are under the Turner umbrella). But if I DID win, the four films I would program (all in the Turner library) are THE TORRID ZONE, GENTLEMAN JIM, AVANTI! and CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE. So if anyone reading this wins the contest, and if you enter it because you heard about it here on the "blog," please throw me a bone. Live my dream for me! (Pictured, Simone Simon, who plays a benevolent ghost in CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE, and who, I learned the other night from my big fat book, had a fling with George Gershwin.)

Q&A

My sister writes in to ask, "Do you dislike the guy who writes the Say, Sport blog?" My answer: No! Emphatically, I like Jamie Allen. There, I've said it. We've tried a few "pretend feuds," such as when he thought I didn't recognize him and when I objected to the name of his favorite coffee shop, but I thought it was clear to one and all that we were just "horsing" around. Speaking of "horses," I even recommended Allen's piquant series of reports from the Kentucky Derby, which I thought were quite amusing, informative and enjoyable. I see now that he has added even more about the Kentucky Derby - it's turning sort of epic - and you need to start with this "post," rather than the one I recommended earlier. I trust this puts the matter to rest! It spoils the whole "pretend feud" thing to talk about it out loud but apparently it wasn't going as well as I thought anyhow. I've had a couple of interviews lately in which the interviewer started a question this way: "You say on your 'blog'..." and I thought, uh-oh. What did I say on my "blog"? Because if I may be frank, I put very little thought into it sometimes. That's what I like about it. And if I have to start thinking too much before I "blog," well, I don't know what will happen. On the plus side, it means that I get these young "internet" kids asking me about Jerry Lewis. I want to wear a big button that says ASK ME ABOUT JERRY LEWIS.

Okay, One More Thing For Tonight

Kent has filed a report from the Maryland Film Festival. I don't know if my dream of Laura Lippman and David Simon and the entire cast of THE WIRE going to see "The Pipe" came true, but I do know that Kent was invited to the HOME of John Waters (as you can read on the "link" above)! You know, the son of the history professor once saw John Waters in a bank, but somehow fate intervened and they did not get to chat. He (the son), a precocious film expert, was only 12 at the time, and I believe I recall that his father did not think that Mr. Waters would like to be pestered, but I suspect he would have enjoyed being recognized by a kid (this is the same kid, a good deal older now, who compared Hubcap City to a witch's funeral). Anyway, a while back I heard John Waters on NPR, calling THE WIRE the best show ever, or words to that effect. By the way, have you read Ms. Lippman's book EVERY SECRET THING? I asked her which of her books I should start with and she said that one, and boy was she on to something! That book has two characters you will never forget... AT LEAST two! But two for sure. Read it and tell me which ones you think I'm talking about. Maybe you'll pick different ones! Hey, let's start a book club. But it will have to wait until July.

Slow

Things may be slow around here for two months! First I need to work (the fancy kind AND the other kind), then I go on a book tour that takes up a goodly part of June. One thing you can do if I'm not "blogging" enough for you is check out "Blog" Buddy Jamie Allen's trip to the Kentucky Derby. Start with this "post" about the Kentucky Derby and work your way down his "blog" until you have read everything there is to read about the Kentucky Derby. I don't think that each "post" "links" to each previous "post." You will have to explore the "internet" manually. But that's part of the fun!

Absent

Sorry I've been absent today. I dove headfirst into National Rewrite Your Novel Month and have hardly come up for air. I hope everyone will come out for the big parade on Saturday. There are going to be a bunch of writers rewriting their novels on colorful floats. Sounds kitschy!

Knock Knock Special

Theresa asked about my possible attack of malaise. We turned it into a delightful knock-knock joke! Send a self-addressed stamped envelope to "KNOCK KNOCK" c/o the Pendarvis Building for more details.

I'm Not Really Droning Myself Into an Unexpected Carl Sandburgian Transcendence

Of course, for me even to suggest that I would dare to TRY to drone myself into an unexpected Carl Sandburgian transcendence would be misleading. But I still like pretending that I might be able.

I Drone Myself Into an Unexpected Carl Sandburgian Transcendence

Hi! It's Monday, and from what I have heard through our various Pendarvis Building opinion polls, many of you turn to the "blog" on Monday mornings when you are supposed to be working for "The Man." That is why I would like to "link" here to a nice review my new book received. I reported it first on Saturday, I believe, when "blog" reading hits its low, according to our many focus groups. And since then, I've buried it under all kinds of fascinating tidbits. So I need to bring it up here to the top of the "blog" again. Crass? Perhaps. But as long as I am giving away so much milk for free, I hope it is not untoward if once in awhile I prod you toward the purchase of a nice cow. The title of this particular "post" is a paraphrase of my favorite part of the review. It's not so much that I really believe I ACHIEVED what the reviewer credits me with, but it feels good to know that he noticed what I was TRYING in the story to which he's referring. And I'm happy to receive a review from THE BROOKLYN RAIL because its title makes me think of Hart Crane, these lines in particular, an affection for which I share with a certain member of Hubcap City (Crane sees a strange reflection in the window of his subway car): "And why do I often meet your visage here,/ Your eyes like agate lanterns – on and on/ Below the toothpaste and the dandruff ads?" Crane is talking about Poe. But the picture I am putting with this "post" is Sandburg. See, my fiction is a lot more focused than this.

Magazine

Hey, I was in a bookstore today and saw for the first time the issue of AMERICAN SHORT FICTION that contains an excerpt from my novel AWESOME. And as I gazed in wonderment, someone picked it up, flipped through it, and decided to buy it. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from screaming, "Hey! I wrote something in there." That would have scared her away! Readers of literary magazines are like wily rainbow trout. Well, the whole experience made me sit down and participate seriously in Rewrite Your Novel Month. I was stuck on one section but an emergency call to Jeff McNeil put me right. When you come to the part where the giant's shoelaces are tied together, thank Jeff McNeil!

The Ballad of Cable Hogue

Theresa was out at a "bachelorette" party last night, so I watched a Sam Peckinpaugh movie. Seemed like a fair trade! Last night's feature was THE BALLAD OF CABLE HOGUE. First let me throw a caveat out there: It's not for everyone. They shoot a lizard at the beginning. Seems like at the beginning of every Peckinpaugh movie, some poor animal gets it. Chickens in PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID, a scorpion in THE WILD BUNCH. I like to pretend it's Hollywood magic, but I have my queasy doubts. HOGUE's cast features "blog" "faves" Stella Stevens and Slim Pickens. There's also a cameo by frequent Jerry Lewis co-star Kathleen Freeman (who appeared with Stevens in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR). It would be tempting and lazy to call Ms. Freeman Jerry Lewis's Margaret Dumont, but she was his cohort more often than his foil. Nor do the Jerry Lewis connections end there. There's a bit with an animated five dollar bill that comes straight out of Lewis's mentor Frank Tashlin. And people run around in comical fast motion a lot (though that's more Richard Lester than Jerry Lewis, I think). So it's not a typical Peckinpaugh movie, though it is typically strange. The strangest sequence of all is a duet between Stevens and Jason Robards, an anachronistic hippie number in which they pine for "Butterfly Mornings and Wildflower Afternoons." Gulp! In fact, there are quite a few musical moments, though they're abrupt and abbreviated compared to the duet. Why did I keep thinking of Godard's "A Woman Is A Woman"? Maybe because I'm fancy! And the seemingly arbitrary shifts of tone do put one in mind of the French New Wave. The biggest caveat for us modern people with our big city ways is how the camera crawls all over Ms. Stevens in a mode that can only be called "sleazy." I mean, sleazy! The remarkable thing is the wonderful performance Stevens gives in defiance of the treatment she receives. This is a movie to watch alone, because your friends will laugh when Jason Robards starts to sing, or they will object with good reason to the way that a certain amount of misogyny is taken for granted, and you'll get mad and kick them out. And they won't be your friends anymore! But you want to see where this weird movie is going. And the ending, despite all odds, is tender and moving.

Ampersand Fever

In that last "post" I should have typed AMERICAN LETTERS & COMMENTARY rather than AMERICAN LETTERS AND COMMENTARY. I am a huge ampersand fan and can't imagine what got into me. I use the reliable and attractive old ampersand at the drop of a hat. You know who else used a lot of ampersands? John Berryman (pictured). Ampersand!

Art Appreciation

Theresa and I were moping around in a joint where fancy publications are sold when we spotted the latest issue of AMERICAN LETTERS AND COMMENTARY. Right away, Theresa pegged the cover as the work of "Blog" Buddy Jon Langford. A quick glance inside the magazine confirmed her assumption. Not only that, but there are several full-color reproductions of Jon's work as well as a Jon Langford bookmark and a Jon Langford postcard. Run out and pick up your own copy today! And tell 'em the "blog" sent you.

Vainglorious!

Now it is the time on the "blog" when I pack away my normal tendency toward altruism and try to trick you into buying my book. I'm sorry! If you are not in the mood to buy a book, please stop reading now. Okay. We received a pleasant note from "Blog" Buddy Mark Childress today. He sent a "link" to the "web" site of a magazine called "The Brooklyn Rail," and on that "web" site was a kind and generous review of my new book. If you "click" on the part of the last sentence that is differently tinted than the rest of the sentence, you will be sent to the review. But I warn you, this fellow is thorough! His honeyed words will perhaps make you want to buy BOTH of my books. You have been warned.

Jack's Tips For Friendly Book Likers

Do you like books? Sure you do! But some books are large and heavy, and while those books are perfect for reading at home, they are not convenient for those times when you must walk a long way with a book, or when you're alone at a restaurant, or getting the car tuned up, or flying around in an airplane, or any of the many, many other things you do all alone like a ragged pariah. That's why whenever your "main read" is a big, heavy hardcover book, I recommend purchasing a companion volume, that is, a small, portable paperback to take with you out in public. Aside from the injury you may do to yourself trying to tote around a big, heavy book or the impossibility of finding room for it amidst the silver and china on a "table for one," people might think you are trying to come off as an "egghead." That's no way to make friends! It also helps if your secondary book is made up of short pieces, things you can read at a sitting or two. That way, your concentration on or immersion in your "big book" waiting for you at home will not be spoiled. Do I practice what I preach? You bet I do! That's why I got myself a copy of MUSIC FOR CHAMELEONS by Truman Capote. A month or so ago, at a nearby tapas restaurant, a VP at Cartoon Network said I would like it. "But read the one about the rattlesnake first," she said. I have no idea which one is the one about the rattlesnake. I asked her today, and she said that she regretted having given me instructions... that everyone should read a book in his or her own way. I practically begged her to tell me which one had the rattlesnake in it but she refused. Now I'm just going to be thinking, "Is this the one with the rattlesnake?" every time I read a story. It might make me tense with anticipation! But her lips are sealed. This has been one in a series of tips. Good night.

Letters

We've received an unusual amount of mail at the "blog" today. Pia Z. Ehrhardt writes in to remind everyone that tomorrow is "Free Comic Book Day." She even provides a "link." What are you talking about, Ms. Ehrhardt? You know our mutual publisher gets antsy when we talk about comic books! Jamie Allen writes, "If you had comments on your 'blog,' I would have responded to your 'oh, snap' post thusly: 'Jack, that was me! You didn't recognize me AGAIN! Actually, that coffee shop is probably No. 3 on the Say, Sport Depth Chart. The Starting Coffee Shop in our Lineup is Inman Perk. You should come on over here and hang out!" To Jamie we respond with a regretful "No." Why? We don't know! The name of the place rubs us the wrong way, we guess. A spoof of FRIENDS, we take it? The soul shudders in its fleshly casing. Phil Oppenheim contributes a terse commentary on the end of the Gilmore Girls: "Good riddance," he snarls, crusty as ever. Methinks his gruff demeanor conceals a breaking heart! Finally, David Fulmer (another Gerswhin fan) tells us about his (Fulmer's) new musical project. It's called garagebandnetwork.com. We can't quite make the "link" work yet, and we're not really sure what it is, but we bet it's good! And we'll update you as soon as the "link" is working. If you don't know Mr. Fulmer's mysteries, you should! They are in part - I won't say an excuse - an OPPORTUNITY for Mr. Fulmer to write about music. Sometimes a real-life musician will wander into the plot, someone like Buddy Bolden or Blind Willie McTell. The last time I ran into Mr. Fulmer it was across the street at Manuel's Tavern, and we had a nice talk about the vast philosophical gulf between Blind Willie McTell and Blind Willie Johnson, both so towering in their own ways. Pick either Blind Willie, you can't go wrong! But one of them will terrify you about the afterlife.