Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Things I Can't Do

Phil Oppenheim sends in a breathtakingly mean-spirited email about the Gilmore Girls, one to which I cannot even make a reference without violating every human rule of decency. Did you want to hurt me, Phil? Because mission accomplished! Sheri Joseph writes in to suggest (not for the first time) that I get a myspace page. I've tried, Sheri! I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I give up. I've also forgotten my password and I think I'm banned for life somehow. Plus I look at those pages and they drive me nuts because I'm old. Too many colors and lights! Things are moving around and bouncing around and frankly I just don't suppose I'm man enough to keep it under control. Finally on today's list of things I can't do, I love TCM and watch it constantly, and I wish I could be a "guest programmer." I even tried to send Robert Osborne a copy of my first book so he would think it was awesome and ask me to help out with his busy workload as the face of the network. But that didn't happen. Right now TCM is having a "guest programmer" contest and I encourage all "Blog" Buddies to enter, especially Jeff McNeil and all the members of the Ivan Bonar Appreciation Society. I can't enter, to my horror. First of all, you have to "upload a video of yourself." What? I'm already lost. Second, I'm kind of sort of working for Cartoon Network at the moment, which probably disqualifies me (both networks are under the Turner umbrella). But if I DID win, the four films I would program (all in the Turner library) are THE TORRID ZONE, GENTLEMAN JIM, AVANTI! and CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE. So if anyone reading this wins the contest, and if you enter it because you heard about it here on the "blog," please throw me a bone. Live my dream for me! (Pictured, Simone Simon, who plays a benevolent ghost in CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE, and who, I learned the other night from my big fat book, had a fling with George Gershwin.)