Your Morning UFO and Robot Report

Lots of UFO talk on MAD MEN last night. WHY? Only the UFOs know for sure. Watch the skies! In other news, the New York Times is talking about robots AGAIN. I told you, it's their new thing. So today they have an op-ed columnist reassuring us about the robots. They're not so smart after all! That's his main point. BUT ISN'T THAT JUST WHAT THE ROBOTS WANT US TO THINK?

Return of the Enigmatic Nedra

I received a very nice note via facebook from one Liz Keith, who was interested to see that I had "blogged" a couple of years ago about her second cousin Nedra Harrison. Do you remember Nedra Harrison? She was the model, aviatrix, scuba diver and renowned pathologist (to name a few of her accomplishments) so very modest that there's very little about her on the "internet." Says Ms. Keith, "I met her several times when she came to Georgia to visit. She was legendary in Tifton. All the old men remembered her. They remembered that she was the first woman to wear trousers here. They all thought she was so beautiful, but I think they were afraid to approach her... She was born Florence Harrison, but the family called her Kewpie." So that's just a little more information about an object of "blog" fascination, the enigmatic Nedra Harrison. (A quick glance tells me there still isn't much about Nedra Harrison on the "internet," but I did find one more image [above] than there was before [there were almost none]: it's Nedra modeling for the legendary cartoonist Milton Caniff... the same picture I stumbled across in a book, the caption of which first alerted me to her story.)

Fie, Tattered Maltin

Just watched BOY, DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER on TCM, thanks to a tip from Brian Z. Why does everybody hate it so much? My tattered Maltin assigns it one of its numerous pious "BOMB"s. I can imagine Godard loving this movie. For me, it's the kind of repressive desublimation we can all get behind: the harmlessly transparent and superficial kind. Like, Bob Hope refers to policemen as "fuzz," as in, "I've got more fuzz on my tail than a French poodle" (the line quoted to me by McNeil when he called - of course - to discuss the movie a few minutes ago). And Phyllis Diller, riding a motorcycle, squirts mustard into the faces of hapless "fuzz" through their driver's side windows, causing them to crash, which makes her cackle as she anarchically squirts more mustard onto the road. If I am recalling correctly, and I almost certainly am, my ex-boss Lisa once told me that Phyllis Diller on a motorcycle was one of the iconic images of her youth. Yet I searched the entire "internet" and couldn't find a still of it. So here's Elke Sommer holding an apple. See? Doesn't it remind you of CONTEMPT?

Self-Expression!

I was at the movies yesterday, and you know how they show regular commercials before movies in our strange modern times? I was surprised to learn - though I shouldn't have been - that with a completely straight face they still make that commercial, you know the one: the one where there is an "adult" with neatly combed hair and a suit and glasses, and he is utterly befuddled by the "hep" stuff some "cool kids" are throwing down, such as wearing cool hats and prancing about with blatant disregard for authority. And he, the "adult," puts his ear to the wall and smushes his face up against a small window trying in vain to figure out what these antiestablishment type kids are up to (spoiler alert - turns out they are modeling clothes from JC Penney!), and his demeanor becomes increasingly frazzled because he is so uptight. Yes, they are still making that commercial. Hey, wow, look, I just found a press release with the headline, "JCPenney's 'New Look. New Year. Who Knew!' Back-to-School Campaign Features Cutting Edge, Creative Marketing Aimed at Teens" and it has this line in it: "'Personalization and self-expression are important to teens and they want their look to reflect their unique personalities and style. And for teens, there is no better time to put their best fashion forward than Back-to-School,' said Mike Boylson, executive vice president and chief marketing officer for JCPenney." We could hardly hope for a more clear-cut statement of intent regarding repressive desublimation. (In fact, I am thrilled to report that the press release's Orwellian subhead reads "Campaign Encourages Teens to Take Control.") Ah, heavenly. This takes me back to the halcyon days of the Hawaiian Punch FAQ.

Shields

Remember the mime team Shields and Yarnell? Of course you don't! But I am kind of sad that Yarnell has passed away. Even though Shields and Yarnell divorced in the mid-80s, according to the obituary in the New York Times, I hate to think about Shields walking around right now with no Yarnell. Sorry to be a downer!

Wamp Check

Checked on Wamp. He lost. This article I saw on the "internet" says his concession speech went, "The best candidate doesn't always win." Ouch! Also, according to the article, he said "Here's my heart" again. That must be his thing! Wamp! Just a few days ago I had never heard of him and now he's all I think about. I hope after he wins a game of table tennis he says, "You just got Wamped!" In conclusion, when you visit your family physician, be sure she checks for Wamps.

I Guess

That vote was yesterday. Guess I should see what happened to Wamp.

The Doctor Is In

Big excitement around here! Today is Theresa's OFFICIAL GRADUATION DAY, so I think it is okay if everyone starts referring to her as "the doctor." Yes, today is graduation day, but according to Emory University, the 10th is the "DATE OF RECORD." So what does that mean? I don't know! Here's what I think: It is fine to call Theresa "Dr. Theresa" or "Dr. Starkey" or "the doctor" or "Dr. T." starting NOW. On the 10th, and forever after, IT IS MANDATORY! (Pictured, Theresa and I at the ceremony, earlier today.)

The Planet Without Entertainment

I don't think I'm explaining this Jerry Lewis situation very clearly. Let's look at it using our powers of logic! 1) McNeil sent me a clip of Dan Ackroyd talking about his belief in UFOs. 2) The clip came from CNN. 3) The clip was on youtube. 4) On youtube, before you press play, the clip is represented by a single frame extracted from THE EXACT MIDDLE of the clip. 5) In THE EXACT MIDDLE OF THE CLIP, so that it is frozen for the world to examine on youtube, the CNN "news crawl" is reporting the breaking news that Jerry Lewis has taken over "leadership of the Friars Club." Okay! Are you with me so far? Now here's where logic comes in! What do space aliens usually say after landing, according to popular movies, cartoons, and skits? That's right: "Take me to your leader." Can it be mere coincidence that Jerry Lewis's name (in conjunction with his role as "LEADER") is not only embedded in this clip proving the existence of UFOs, but embedded in such a way as to call special attention to itself? I think not! Our only logical conclusion: it is a MESSAGE FROM BEYOND or maybe even a WARNING from a sympathetic life form that THE ALIENS ARE COMING FOR JERRY LEWIS! If they just want to meet him, fine. Who wouldn't? But what if they come from a planet without entertainment, and they try to take him away to set up some sort of studio system up there? Or what if they want to put him on display in a Vonnegutian space zoo to caper about for them? No way! That's where the people of Earth must STAND TOGETHER and DRAW THE LINE! Hey, wait a minute! Wait just a gosh darn minute! Speaking of Vonnegut, Jerry Lewis starred in the Vonnegut adaptation SLAPSTICK (OF ANOTHER KIND) as one of a pair of twins who are (in the words of imdb) "really an alien brother-and-sister team implanted in [their mother] to solve the world's problems." And he also played an alien in VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET. All the pieces are coming together! Be prepared! Be watchful! This could be even more sinister than I originally thought. Could it be... they're coming BACK for him?

The World's Eeriest Coincidence

PLEASE NOTE: In that last "post," in which I happened to mention Jerry Lewis (though the "post" has nothing very directly to do with Jerry Lewis), if you study the frozen frame of youtube video BEFORE you press "play," you will find that the CNN "crawl" at the bottom of that frame happens to be in the midst of reporting some news story or another about JERRY LEWIS! Yes, you can make out the blurry words "JERRY LEWIS" at the bottom of the screen, like SOME EERIE MESSAGE FROM A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE! This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened in history, and you saw it right here on the "blog." Maybe it's about Jerry Lewis the boring old congressman, who exists. But I don't want to know!

McNeil's "Way... Way Out"

"The aliens are calling Dan Aykroyd... his words, not mine," writes McNeil in an urgent email. This can only mean one thing: the long-awaited return of McNeil's famed "blog" UFO column named after a certain movie starring a certain Jerry Lewis. McNeil provides a video, but it's almost five minutes long. Who has time to watch it? Not me! Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

Example

Larry King isn't the only one who can send messages that resemble whole Lydia Davis short stories! He isn't on Twitter like Larry, but McNeil's texts are just as cryptic and full of life. Example: "I ate a whole can of beans for lunch. Now I'm @ my parents."

"Yeah, You Gotta Make That Scene."

If you want mass market paperbacks by Bob Hope, and you do, there is no better source, apparently, than the vast network of Michigan flea markets, from one of which - ONCE AGAIN! - Megan Abbott has been kind enough to send me a nice surprise. This time it's a little number called I OWE RUSSIA $1200. In the VERY FIRST FULL PARAGRAPH Frank Sinatra offers to take Mrs. Khrushchev to Disneyland like so: "Yeah, you gotta make that scene." AND Bob refers to her as "Mrs. K." AND she refers to Khrushchev as "Nickie." So - and nothing against our book club - it's ALREADY demonstrably better than our book club selection. So then I flip open the book at random and find Bob entranced and fascinated by Coccinelle, the transgender entertainer (pictured). The first time he spots her, Bob is sharing a table with Dean Martin in a Paris bar! And she walks by and winks at him! When he finds out the "truth," he says, "I wish I could have another talk with my father." That old "rake," as Megan has aptly called him! Then there's a full-page picture of Coccinelle and Bob Hope on the set of PARIS HOLIDAY. Really, could any book be any better? I tried to find a decent picture of Bob and Coccinelle on the "internet," but all I saw was a thumbnail picture, and not nearly as nice as the one in the book, though it seems to have been snapped in the same general location. I love literature! (Above, Coccinelle. Below, Bob Hope dancing with Anita Ekberg - not Coccinelle, sadly - on the aforementioned set of PARIS HOLIDAY.)

Sad Roundup

Seems that over the past weeks I have been drawn to a number of obituaries. I haven't troubled you, because the "blog" likes to avoid sad things, as you know. But we could think of this as celebrating accomplishments. Also, they are beginning to stack up, these obituaries, and that's a bad feeling. One of the creators of HEE HAW died. Also, Margaret Ann Rich, a songwriter so beloved by Kelly Hogan that Kelly had planned at one time (if I am remembering correctly) to record an entire album of her work. FOOD ARTS and FOOD & WINE founder Michael Batterberry passed away. He was an eloquent and elegant and worldly gentleman with a commanding voice. I was once on a panel with him at the Southern Foodways Symposium, and he outclassed me in every conceivable way yet somehow made me feel comfortable enough to carry on - as I say, a true gentleman. And Bobby Hebb! I mention Bobby Hebb in my "lost novel" SHUT UP, UGLY, which is unimportant. He wrote and performed one of my favorite 45s, "Sunny." I can't find a clip of him performing the song live on youtube, but live covers are easy to find because everybody covered that great song, including Stevie Wonder and Marvin Gaye. You know your song is good when Stevie Wonder AND Marvin Gaye cover it. PLUS James Brown (see for yourself). On youtube, you can see Ella Fitzgerald and Tom Jones performing a duet of it... that's pretty close to a novelty rendition, though (I blame the arrangement, not the great Ella, who acquits herself with gusto under the circumstances - forced to sit in a rocking chair and banter about it, for example!). Dusty Springfield does a respectable job. And there are many many clips of people doing "Sunny" in the privacy of their homes. Why not? But do yourself a big favor and get the original recording by Mr. Hebb if you don't have it. And if you don't, why don't you? You're crazy!

Friends of Jimmy

I should mention that I found that Pat Boone panel on the "web" site of someone named "Bitter Andrew." It seems we share certain interests. Why, just yesterday, even as I was appropriating his panel, he "posted" something featuring our old friend Jimmy Olsen. You know I am afraid to "link" you to the "web" sites of strangers because there are so many crazy people on the "internet" waiting to get you, but I don't know, this guy seems okay, and credit where credit is due and all that.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Pat Boone

Thought I'd do a "google" for "Wamp There It Is," the title of my most recent "post." Two hundred and twenty-five matches! I guess I'm not such a big shot after all with my funny Mr. Smart Boy jokes. I will have to remain satisfied with being the first person to post pictures of the Foster Brooks robot on the "internet" and the man who came up with "C-Spandemonium." One more thing about Wamp: when I was doing a "Google Image Search" for him, object of "blog" wonder Pat Boone mysteriously appeared over and over. I was curious, so I did a little investigating. If you google them together, up pops an article entitled "Zach Wamp Gets Coveted Pat Boone Endorsement." Coveted! Says it right there.

Wamp There It Is

We live near Tennessee, which has some primaries coming up, so late at night there are lots of political ads on the television set. One guy pops on the screen and says, the first words out of his mouth, "I'm Zach Wamp." Well, it just makes you giggle! Not in a mean way. All of a sudden out of nowhere his big head fills up the screen (his head is not unusually big, it's just the "in your face" framing of the shot) and he says "I'm Zach Wamp," and you just have to laugh, that's all. It's pronounced kind of like "Whomp." I saw him for the first time tonight. In his commercial he's smiling but seems upset about something. Let's say his mouth is smiling but his eyebrows are concerned. The "blog" is not endorsing Zach Wamp. The "blog" just thinks his name is fun to say, though not in a Jerry Lewis way, because it's not long enough - two curt syllables. Then there's this other guy, this other Tennessee politician - I can't think of his name because it's not Zach Wamp - whose slogan is "Plow Congress." Maybe there was an earlier commercial explaining what he means by that, but in the one I saw tonight, it's just there on the screen, without comment. Back to Zach Wamp for a minute. One thing Zach Wamp says in his commercial is "Here's my heart." Look, I found a picture of Zach Wamp pointing at something on his boot, I guess. I have no context. I have no context for anything. And though it is hard to make out in this small version of the picture, he has planted his foot on a brick engraved with the slogan UNITED WE STAND.

Check Out H. V. Kaltenborn

WHAT? You thought I was going to leave you with just one picture of H. V. Kaltenborn? I'm not a monster! I know you've GOT to have you some H. V. Kaltenborn. Here's the man proving that he knows his way around a globe. In this picture, he is like, "Globes are right up my alley!" He is like, "I know the name of every country on this globe. I'm H. V. Kaltenborn!"

Book Club Newsletter

Don't you just love novelty songs about H. V. Kaltenborn? What? You don't? What kind of a creep are you? Because according to this book I am reading for the Sturm Und Stang Book Club, everyone was just crazy for Joe E. Lewis's hilarious novelty songs about H. V. Kaltenborn, of which several long, long stanzas are lovingly transcribed by the author in all their topical hilarity. H. V. Kaltenborn! Yeah, I don't know who he is either. We're not supposed to discuss the book until we've all hit the middle. So I should keep my fat mush clamped. But come on! H. V. Kaltenborn! Pictured, H. V. Kaltenborn, the subject of so many delightful novelty songs. Just look at this guy! He's got "belly laughs" written all over him! PS: I have no regrets!

What That Was

That was a Mary Worth panel I found at a place called "Comics Curmudgeon." It may replace the ever popular "Unhurt But Frightened" as the "blog's" calling card.