Coincidence No. 2

Reading the new issue of McSweeney's (#21). It has some of the best fiction they've ever published, I think. So anyway, the Joyce Carol Oates story in there is going in our imaginary anthology, mark it down. Here's the crazy coincidence that no one will ever care about (or believe). About six years ago, I wrote a novel that will never see the light of day (though some small parts of it have been published). Mark Twain was an important character in it. It also contained a character named Madeline Avery (none of her sections ever saw print). Well, this shocking and beautiful Oates story in the new McSweeney's has Mark Twain as the main character AND a character that Ms. Oates invented... named Madelyn Avery! Once again (see below) what are the odds? Crazy, I tell you. Ms. Oates' Madelyn Avery and my Madeline Avery have nothing in common aside from their names... meaningless and astonishing, as coincidences are bound to be, but it's crazy, I swear.

Coincidence No. 1

I've been asked to judge a fiction contest, and one of the other judges is an editor at a small press called FC2. Guess what? They published a novel about Webern, and the author lives in Georgia, just like me. What are the odds? Seriously, I want somebody from Las Vegas to email me and tell me what the odds are.

My Ice Cream Flavor

Hi! I'm in Maryland! I've figured out how to "blog" from Maryland! Anyway, Theresa and I were eating lunch a little while ago and it suddenly occurred to me that a "blog" is the perfect place from which to "launch" the ice cream flavor I've been brooding about for the past five years - Sweet Tea With Lemon. Every Chinese restaurant serves green tea ice cream, right? So it's not really much of a stretch to imagine a rust-colored ice cream that would taste like the sweet iced tea you can get in any decent restaurant in Alabama... add a lemon sorbet swirl and you've got a great ice cream flavor. I don't want any money from my idea... I'll never be able to manufacture my own ice cream and I hate to see the flavor go to waste. Somebody jump on it!

The Scarlet "Blogger"

I just want to mention again that there will be no new "posts" for a couple of days now, because Theresa is off to Towson University to talk to the people about four cinematic adaptations of THE SCARLET LETTER. And she has asked me to rise from the audience and rip open my shirt like Rev. Dimmesdale at the appropriate point in her presentation. (She really has. Won't she be surprised when I do?) Now I know that normally I exhort you to buy my book in my absence, or conversely I oblige with a fun activity to pass the time until the return of the "blog." But I think we've all grown past that, haven't we? This time, I urge all "blog" readers to a period of contemplative silence, perhaps coupled with a fast. Trust me, you'll get a "kick" out of it!

I'm Just Like Marcel Proust and Here's Why

Eventful visit to the neighborhood coffee shop. First I saw one of the philosophers. He's getting ready for a two-year trip to India! If things work out, and he attains the rank of "Blog" Buddy, perhaps we'll have some "Dispatches From India" on the slate in the near future. Next item of note: They have a turntable there in the coffee shop, and the frolicsome baristas were playing some Dead Kennedys, which to them was an ancient relic of a strange and wonderful time. Suddenly I was transported, as if bodily, back to the old college dorm, where I sat on the floor with L. and our friend, the French girl who smoked cigars, listening to the Dead Kennedys, Zappa, Oingo Boingo, and the Fabulous Poodles. Truly I thought that the Dead Kennedys were the scariest thing I had ever encountered. Those were the days! Now people listen to them in coffee shops and nobody complains because it's really kind of quaint. (I do not mention "Blog" Buddy L. by name because she works in an office with a bunch of men who bother her, and she may soon begin to contribute anonymous tidbits from the corporate workplace. For example, just the other day some guy in L.'s office said that Judy Jetson was "hot," an observation perhaps better suited to a Bud Lite commercial from the early 1990s, though we should not cast stones here at the "blog" where we have been known to pine sadly for the glimmering crud of the past - in this very "post" it so happens!) Finally I would like to note that in spite of the hyperbolic title, I am not just like Marcel Proust. "Blog" Buddy Jim Whorton (the "Upstate New York 'Blog' Buddy") tells the "blogging" staff that M. Proust was, how shall we put it, rather unkind to his four-footed friends. Maybe this is untrue! We hope so! We want to think the best of our geniuses! Anyway, we don't traffic in "facts," necessarily, here on the "internet," so I think it's okay to say anything that pops into our heads.

Mission Statement

We're unhappy here in the Pendarvis Building. Perhaps it's my own fault. Perhaps I've been too indulgent with the interns, who, after all, look to me for guidance. In any case, the "blog" is all over the place! The "blog" lacks focus! Steps must be taken. I want to make it crystal clear: This "blog" is about five things and five things alone. It will be the only place on the "internet" to get the pure, unvarnished truth about these five things. From now on, these five things are the laser-like focus of this "blog" and no deviation will be tolerated. 1. Jerry Lewis. 2. Donuts. 3. That mythical beast the Cyclops. 4. Dodecaphonic compositonal techniques. This will include Schoenberg and his followers, such as Webern and Berg, of course, but also composers who merely had a dodecaphonic period, however brief, such as Stravinsky and even (I believe) Aaron Copland. Does the list include the Polish master Krzysztof Penderecki? I honestly can't recall. And to be perfectly straightforward there will be ABSOLUTELY NO whimsical ruminations about the dense, complex works of Penderecki until this matter is cleared up! That's just how dead serious I am about whipping this "blog" into shape. 5. Adventures of the "Blog" Buddies. There's no telling what kind of scrapes the "Blog" Buddies will get themselves into next! The "Blog" Buddies include sassy lady professor Theresa Starkey, all-American boy Jeff McNeil, underground darling Amanda Stern, clogging whiz Caroline Young, Mastroianni-style playboy Tom Bissell, Kent "The Free Spirit" Osborne, and pensive churl Phil Oppenheim, among others. I think we have covered all the necessary demographics. There's nothing the "Blog" Buddies can't do when they put their minds to it! At times the "Blog" Buddies may quarrel among themselves because of their very different approaches to crime-fighting. But then they remember that the "Blog" Buddies are the only real family they've ever had. And they come together to protect America, which is awesome. Some may say that this new, narrowed focus of the "blog" will be restrictive, but I say that much like the arbitrary limits of the dodecaphonic process itself, it will free us. Said Stravinsky, on the subject of "blogging," I believe, "The imagination works best when caged."

Computers Are Great

Say you're watching one of the Law & Order shows. And you think, "Hey, is that Vincent Spano?" With today's modern computers, the answer is at the touch of a button. Pretty soon you can say, "Probably not," or "Maybe," or "Hmm, I don't know. But at least I tried!" It's a great feeling, thanks to the modern computers we enjoy today.

That Reminds Me...

Here's a little bagatelle I composed that makes brief mention of Veronica Mars. You'll have to buy the back issue to read the whole thing. That's today's "blogging" tip: Support the arts!

Veronica Mars

Tonight on Veronica Mars, some dude stole Veronica's necklace and I was like, Oh no you didn't! And Veronica was like, You're gonna regret that, buddy. And in my brain I was thinking, I know that's right! Veronica Mars will crack the case!

The Nine "Blog"mandments

It's embarrassing, really, the number of requests we've received here in the Pendarvis Building about gathering all my "hints" and "tips" on "blogging" into one "post" for handy reference. I've had some truly heartrending communiques from young men and women who tell me how my "cutting edge" approach to "blogging" has changed their lives. I always tell them, "Heck. It's just plain old common sense." And that blows their minds! Here they are, then, by popular demand, with "links" provided to put them into their original perspective - in this matter I am a strict constructionist! - The Nine "Blog"mandments: 1. Simply "click" on a highlighted word or phrase to be sent to a "link." 2. The internet is full of information. Check it out. 3. Check your favorite "blog" often or you might miss something. 4. It's okay for friends to disagree! 5. Remember: Cyclopes is the plural of Cyclops. 6. Life is not always about "blogs"! 7. Ask yourself before "blogging": How would Webern "blog"? 8. Get some Webern! 9. Use the word "blog" to create new words containing the word "blog." Think of the Smurfs and you will know what to do.

Attention Persons of a Jaunty and Polished Demeanor

Now that Jeff McNeil has moved on from the "blog," he has more time for actual writing. He sent a wire to the "blog" a few days ago asking for some particular writing advice. I gave him my writing advice. McNeil then explained, via semaphore, that he wanted not MY advice, but that of the kind of person who reads my "blog." I suppose you know who you are! What McNeil wishes to ascertain, in short, is this: having printed out several copies of his novel, should he send the copies directly to publishers? Or would agents be more appropriate targets? Or should he, perhaps, send half the copies to publishers and half to agents? Well?

Orders From the Chief

Just talked to a nice person at my publisher. She's still upset about the "blog," because "most of it" is about comic books, and I'm alienating the American reading public! I told her that only 15 or so "posts" out of 65 or so had anything to do with comic books, but she contended that nontheless, just by mentioning comic books at all, I had "tainted" her "blogging" enjoyment - and, implicitly, the gossamer soul of our nation itself. Her final suggestion was that I get off the phone and make up something "funny" for the "blog." Time to put on my thinking cap!

Weblog

Just sitting here in my pajamas listening to some Webern, as I hear is all the "rage" for today's sassy young "bloggers." And I was thinking, how would Anton Webern go about this "blogging" business? My guess is that he would "blog" selectively! Look into his compositional techniques and I think you'll agree. I mean, look (illustration, left). That's a fairly naked page! I'm not sure about the meaning of those free-floating whole notes at the bottom, but I'm not as smart as I used to be. In any case, here's today's "blogging" tip: Always ask yourself: "How would Webern 'blog'?" If you like, you can put it in handy acronym form (HWWB?)! Bonus tip: Go out and get some Webern! You can listen to a whole symphony in about ten minutes... a must for today's busy "soccer mom."

Young Goodman Blog

I read "Young Goodman Brown" today, and it should go in our imaginary anthology, but the trouble is, it's already in so many REAL anthologies. Also, Hawthorne is really Theresa's territory. I remember a great paper she wrote, somehow entwining "Young Goodman Brown" with the Dean Martin movie KISS ME, STUPID. Speaking of which, those sad words "the 'blog' will be 'down' for a few days" are not far off... next week Theresa will be speaking about Hawthorne at the Literature/Film Association Annual Conference up in the Baltimore area, so that means more times of "blogless" reflection for all of us. Which brings us to today's "blogging" tip: Life is not always about "blogs"!

Bloglems

I'm okay, folks! I haven't "blogged" in a while because of "bloglems," which is a catchy word I just made up to desribe "problems" with a "blog." Anyway, I'm sorry to say you've missed out on quite a few musings. For example, at one point I had a song stuck in my head, and I tried to share that fact with the world, only to be defeated by "bloglems." The title of that absent "post": "There's a Song Stuck In My Head." Is it, as some brash souls in the Pendarvis Building have theorized, a loss akin to the missing plays of Sophocles? We must leave it to history to judge.

Philosophers Are Just Like You and Me!

Earlier tonight, Theresa and I ended up hanging out with philosophers. Real 100% bona fide philosophers. They're just like you and me! We had fun talking about all sorts of things - they were witty, cultured, and kind - but it was especially nice to sit back and listen to them cracking wise about their profession. These particular philosophers were hilarious on the subject of Heidegger's fat face, which one of them memorably described as looking like marzipan and liver. Someone else said, "It's like he's a prostitute with a heart of gold, and inside that heart of gold is a piece of sh_t." They sure had it in for Heidegger! And let's face it, he had it coming, I think you know what I'm talking about. Plotinus, on the other hand, sounded like a nice dude to go to the ballgame with, just as I had always expected. Then our new philosopher friends started in on some guy named Hama-mama (an approximation of the actual name, which I can't recall, but which DID sound like a noise that Jackie Gleason would make). Hama-mama is famous for "tearing Derrida a new one," according to one of the philosophers. "It had to be done," said another philosopher. "We all have to do it at some point, to prove we're men." Hama-mama is also kind of put out with democracy, if I'm recalling correctly. But when you see him in person you want to give him a big hug, apparently. That's what I hear! Hama-mama, physically, is an "endearing little creature," I believe someone said. He just hates the world. Hanging out with philosophers! Crazy.

Goober Says Hey

This nugget from reluctant "blog" participant Mark Childress, who always keeps a finger on the cultural pulse: Look who has his very own film festival! We don't mean to make sport... it's just surprising. This has been going on for ten years - TEN YEARS! - and we had no idea.

A Nice Turn of Phrase

We'll still hear from Jeff McNeil from time to time, it seems. In a quick call today, McNeil reported coming across some prose by Jerry Lewis, in which Mr. Lewis called Earth "the big round put-on." So world-weary! Do you need more evidence that Jerry Lewis is awesome?

McNeil Leaves "Blog" to Pursue Other Interests

The "blogging" world suffered a devastating loss today when Jeff McNeil received a digital video recorder. McNeil plans to retire from guest-blogging and devote himself full-time to recording old movies off of the satellite TV and watching them over and over. Experts speculate that given Mr. McNeil's viewing habits, he will be recording such films as UNDER THE YUM YUM TREE, starring Jack Lemmon, Dean Jones, and Paul Lynde, and BACHELOR FLAT, starring Terry-Thomas and Tuesday Weld. "The biggest loss," says Jack Pendarvis, "is Jeff's long planned dispatch from the Fun Factory. It's this place on his route. They service broken pinball machines, mechanical ponies and helicopters, and other novelty gadgets from department stores and arcades. From Jeff's past descriptions, I understand that there are mountains of eerie, unclaimed baby pictures in the Fun Factory. They seem to come from a defunct portrait studio. I'd love to find out more. But McNeil's gone. He was our inside man, and now he's gone." McNeil could not be reached for comment.

A Poignant Recollection

Mr. Jamie Allen, one of the editors of the quarterly "Duck & Herring Co. Pocket Field Guide," chimes in with Chapter 14 of our series on childhood superhero freakouts and their effect on modern literature. It may be remarked upon with some interest that the autumnal gloom and mystery of Mr. Allen's tale is rivaled only by that of another editor, Mr. Eli Horowitz. What is up with editors? Only time will tell. For now, we turn to the words of Mr. Allen: "There was one [comic book] that stands out in my mind for two reasons. It was a large one, given to me when I was sick, with this magificent cover showing Superman and Shazam facing off - in a fight to the death! The drawing was colorful and the muscles were ripped and I just couldn't understand how Superman and Shazam could fight each other, let alone to the death. This is one reason it stands out; I really liked Superman and could never see him losing any sort of fight, of course, but I also really liked Shazam because he didn't get the respect he deserved in the shadow of Superman, I felt. And so I immediately had a lot at stake in the fight between Superman and Shazam. I think I was using my storytelling brain for one of the first times, because I had all kinds of scenarios worked up before I even opened the thing. And then I opened the thing and it was, you know, the ol' comic book trick where the pictures are not color or even as well drawn. And the storyline just didn't live up to the hype inside my head. This is the second reason I remember this so well. I remember I would allow myself to be fooled by it again and again - I'd see the awesome cover of the comic book, and I'd think, Maybe I missed something? Maybe I wasn't as advanced in my reading the first time I read it? And I would open it again and the same thing - anti-climax." POSTSCRIPT FROM THE "BLOGMASTER": Mr. Allen may be forgiven, considering the rather traumatic circumstances, for forgetting that the character's name is Captain Marvel and "Shazam" merely the magic word he uses to achieve his transformation.