The Enormous Desirability Gap

Be sure to visit Square Books for your tickets to the Lafayette Literacy Council charity ball, coming up Saturday night. Free food and a cash bar! Best of all, it benefits Dolly Parton's Imagination Library, a great early literacy program straight from the mind of the eponymous Dolly Parton. Our good friend Joey has been busy organizing an auction for the event: you can bid on people's original drawings of their favorite literary characters. Tina Fey did one of Miss Havisham. I did a drawing, too. Blue Sharpie, very la-di-da. And I know there is a wide range of other contributors filling in the enormous desirability gap between Tina Fey and me. I portray a scene from WAITING FOR GODOT by Samuel Beckett. Vladimir is standing there with his hand on his hip, like "Where's Godot?" Estragon is sitting on rock. Theresa says it looks like he might be leaning on the rock, maybe. Joey says it looks like he laid an egg. You be the judge! There are stars coming out of Estragon's foot, indicating that he has a pain in his foot. For extra irony, I drew it on a gift box from Kohl's department store and left the Kohl's motto visible: "expect great things." Ha ha ha! Get it? Look, you'll never be able to afford Tina Fey's picture of Miss Havisham, but you've got a pretty good shot at mine. Go for it! Because it is a ball we are talking about, there will be dukes and kings and such. And guess what? Tom Franklin is one of the dukes! I'm not sure if they will force him to dress up like a duke, but you should go just for that, yes, just in case they do.

The English Language Is Alive With Wonder and I Hate It

Hey! If you are old like me, you probably did not realize that the rebellious youth of today have turned "ash" into a verb. If there is one thing my undergraduates enjoy more than smoking deadly cigarettes, it is using "ash" as a verb, as in "I ashed my cigarette," meaning that the speaker has flicked the excess ash off the end of his or her fashionable cigarette. As you get older, one thing you learn is that old people are hopelessly stupid. For example, I feel that it has been going on for at least a decade, yet I am still enraged that people are using "genius" as an adjective, as in "That's so genius, using 'ash' as a verb!" I sit around in my ratty bathrobe thinking about it. I used to hate uptight people like me, but now I am one and I feel pretty good about it.

Wavy Hair and Sound Teeth

I just wrote a little story called "The Snowball" and it seems to me like something someone else would have thought of already in essence, so I hit the "google" to make sure everything was cool. There is no way to tell, of course. I "googled" for "snowball story," which is the kind of inept "googling" done by pikers. Normally I am a champion "googler." I can find anything. Just the other day I found an obscure pro-Christian Science novel for a friend who remembered a few aspects of it from childhood. The telltale passage, which allowed me to realize that I had found the right book, was this: "The folds of her coat at the back hung over a slight protuberance between the shoulders; but that same nature had given her the wavy hair and sound teeth which made the little woman's face pleasant to look upon." What a satisfying "google" that was! So I am aware that my current "googling" is inadequate. But on the upside, it led me to this report about a woman who keeps a snowball as a pet. Now that I read the article, I realize that the woman doesn't really think her snowball is a pet. She says, "It's just like a little pet." It's a simile, you "human interest story" jerks!

What You Don't Know About Cough Drops

I am enjoying a cough drop and idly reading the fine print on the back of the bag, which states, "excessive use may have a laxative effect."

Kook

Today's randomly chosen illustration proves not to seem random at all! Allow me to explain, for I can see that you are aquiver with curiosity. If I am reading the schedule correctly, I note that Shawn Levy, author of KING OF COMEDY: THE LIFE AND ART OF JERRY LEWIS will soon be a guest on our local Thacker Mountain radio program. Though it has since been easily superseded in both personal empathy and aesthetic insight by the Fujiwara monograph, Levy's book remains pivotal for me, full of useful information and analysis. It was the first large work I read about Mr. Lewis, and as such it has tons of sentimental value. So part of me would like to go get my copy signed. But another part of me is afraid! I have read Mr. Levy's essay in the scholarly compendium ENFANT TERRIBLE! JERRY LEWIS IN AMERICAN FILM, in which he expresses his opinion of people who enjoyed his book too much, the "kooks, cultists, and scholars." He writes, "Strange - and some deeply strange - people call or write to share their passions; thanks to Jerry, indirectly, I will never again have my home number listed in the phone book." So as you can imagine, I am reluctant to be seen standing in line, slavering and clutching the book to my bosom like a maniac.

Planet of the Nephews

I am pleased to announce that I have just moments ago acquired another nephew. We get nothing but nephews around these parts, not that we're complaining! Five of them now: Wylie, Ozzy, Buzz, Noah, and now Jasper. Welcome to planet Earth, Jasper!

2 or 3 Other Great Things About Phyllis Diller

From the same article, in case you are crazy and haven't read it yet: She has painted portraits of Alex Trebek and Meg Ryan. She is selling a "red velvet cape she wore on 'The Love Boat'" for $1,000.

Correction

George Clooney was called "the un-Jerry Lewis" in the New York Times, not "the anti-Jerry Lewis" as previously reported. I'm still upset about it. The "blog" DOES NOT regret the error.

Advice For Vampires

Last night I saw part of that TWILIGHT movie, which is about vampires who go to high school. And I thought, WHY WOULD A VAMPIRE EVER GO TO HIGH SCHOOL? Dear reader, how old are you? Forty? Twenty-five? How much money would someone have to pay you to sit through a year of high school classes? All the money in the world? Now imagine that you are a vampire who is like 1,000 years old! Wouldn't you rather go to college? Maybe the vampire wants to become a botanist. Maybe the vampire has always wanted to learn Italian. For a vampire, college is the way to go. I have no doubt that the vampires-in-high-school thing was explained in some part of the movie I didn't see. But I urge all the vampires out there to go to college instead. Of course, if you are turned into a vampire while you are still in high school, you should NOT DROP OUT. Stay in school, vampires! (PS: Because it is so obvious, I feel sure someone else somewhere on the "internet" has made a similar point, probably in a vampire chat room, and as you know there is hardly anything new to say on the "internet." But I couldn't think of a great way to google for it to check.)

Repressive Desublimation Update

I tried to watch some of that Peter Sellers movie of repressive desublimation for you. I got about two minutes in. There was this guru in a robe and he was telling his groovy followers who were sitting around him in a field that they needed to follow the squares of the world around and "kiss them in their homes... kiss them in their minds." I think that's what he said. Then I decided to watch something else.

A Disgraceful Blot

You know I like to alert you when the New York Times makes a passing reference to Jerry Lewis. Today, someone calls George Clooney "the anti-Jerry Lewis." For shame! A disgraceful blot upon the reputation of the "gray lady." I refuse to "link" to such calumny. This is the same reporter who once equated Charlie Sheen with Dean Martin! Equated him, I said! Charlie Sheen! With Dean Martin! Unthinkable! Clearly, this person needs to take some lessons in Jerry appreciation from her Times buddies Dave Kehr and Manohla Dargis.

Inventor of the See-Through Hatbox

Did you know that Phyllis Diller invented the "see-through hatbox"? That's just one of the interesting things she says in a recent NEW YORKER profile. I have been killing time in the periodicals room again, and that's how I found out.

I Am Worried

I am worried about this commercial for chicken I keep seeing wherein it is stated "this is chicken with a sense of humor" and furthermore that said chicken is "fried in wickedly different shapes."

Too Saucy?

Was that last random illustration too saucy? It is taken from the early talkie "The Devil's Cabaret." That's how they did things back then! Saucy like.

Can I Borrow a Cup of Tri-Axium Writings?

A neighbor dropped by just to loan me a couple of books he thought I'd like: a gigantic history of the Association for the Advancement of Creative Musicians (the group from which spring both Wadada Leo Smith and Anthony Braxton) and some of Mr. Braxton's "Tri-axium Writings." He was especially nice to loan me the latter because (as you can see on the "web" site from which they can be ordered) the Tri-axium Writings are "special, made-on-demand editions prepared by the composer." The former book - the history - is called A POWER STRONGER THAN ITSELF: THE AACM AND AMERICAN EXPERIMENTAL MUSIC by George E. Lewis. I've only leafed through it so far, but it looks great. The first page I happened to open to compared Eric Dolphy's use of birdsong to Messiaen's. Anyway, what a nice neighbor! What a town when your neighbor happens to drop by some Tri-axium Writings. PS I also found a place on the "internet" where you can read an excerpt from the Tri-axium Writings.

Hot News From Chicago

From our good friend Judge, here is another in her famous series of photographic reports, exclusive to the "blog," entitled "Hot News From Chicago." Judge would like you to know that these "rants were posted in the window of a bead store." The "blog" neither endorses nor understands the rants in question. Well, we get the Capone reference, of course, and DO STRONGLY endorse any usage of the word "piker" whenever possible.

What Else Is Great

You know what else is great? On Wadada Leo Smith's "Nine (9) Stones On a Mountain" (from THE KABELL YEARS) when the harmonica comes in. I didn't see that coming! And then (I think) a piccolo and a glockenspiel! Yeah! Like that harp and bongo duet in that Doris Day movie, except mystical and awesome instead of terrible.

Edgars Aplenty

"Blog" Buddies Megan Abbott and Ace Atkins have been nominated for Edgar awards this year! So has "Blog" Passing Acquaintance (there's no shame in that!) John Hart, as well as a couple of "Blog" People Who Would Probably Never Remember We've Met Because Why Should They, Tim Gautreaux and Dennis Lehane. Congratulations are in order... to the "blog," that is! The "blog's" greedy tentacles ensnare the world of literature! Also, congratulations to the very deserving nominees. (Pictured, proof that I have met Dennis Lehane... and William Gay and Tom Franklin [a former Edgar winner himself]. I'm the sadly smirky one. Always have been!)

Googling the D

Don't worry! I know you are concerned, so I have been busy googling "t wmukl-D," or "the D" as I call it for short, to find out what that combination of letters means. I still don't know what it means and I still love the piece. The first thing I found out is that on another album there is another Smith track called "Fisherman t wmukl-D." Don't be confused! That is not the t wmukl-D I am talking about. I also found a shady "internet" entrepreneur claiming to offer a "t wmukl-D ringtone," which seems fishy to me. Here's the "link" but don't "click" it! It seems a dubious enterprise at best, and I feel certain that Wadada Leo Smith knows nothing about it. Who knows what happens to your computer when you "click" unwisely? I googled the eyelash medicine for you too, so you would know I would never lie to you - something else you shouldn't "click." But here's some fine print from their site: "Although iris pigmentation was not reported in clinical studies with LATISSE®, patients should be advised about the potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely to be permanent." And that's just for starters! To reiterate, "t wmukl-D" by Wadada Leo Smith is sublime; perilous eyelash medicine - or any kind of eyelash medicine! - strikes me as obscene in every way, but it's none of my business and who cares what I think anyway? Not me!

t wmukl-D

That youtube clip I showed you, as pleasant as it is, does not even come close to explaining why I listen to Wadada Leo Smith all day every day except when I have to do something stupid like leave the house. It's fine, the clip is, especially the solo part at the beginning, but I haven't found anything on youtube that adequately captures what has me obsessed. I have been listening to a series of recordings called THE KABELL YEARS 1971-79 over and over and over and over. Some of it is reminiscent of Ives with its mournful playfulness and some of it gets as spare as Webern, but that's not close to all. I don't think I'm equipped to discuss it properly. My favorite cut might be one called "t wmukl-D." I think that's what it says! What does it mean? I HAVE NO IDEA! I guess I could look it up but I am too busy listening to it a million times. If you're on a budget, RED SULPHUR SKY is cheaper than THE KABELL YEARS 1971-79, and it's all solo Wadada all the time, and just great. No, government, Wadada Leo Smith hasn't paid me anything to promote his work! I found out about him thanks to my Anthony Braxton book. Sometimes books are all right!