McNeil's "Way... Way Out"

Welcome once again to McNeil's "Way... Way Out." Today McNeil wanders a bit off the subject of UFOs to call our attention to recent developments concerning "the space elevator." It, like the "particle collider," is a real thing for REAL, though "spell check" does not recognize the word "collider," which I can only assume is part of a government plot to "reassure" us. Do you recall that once, very, very long ago, I reported reading about something in the "Science" section of the New York Times that McNeil had predicted in his fiction? Well, I am now prepared to reveal that it was an elevator to outer space. McNeil thought of it first, everybody. So where's HIS piece of the pie? I do recall that in Roald Dahl's CHARLIE AND THE GREAT GLASS ELEVATOR, Charlie Bucket and Willy Wonka go to outer space in an elevator. But it is a detached and capsule-like elevator if I recall correctly and not what McNeil and the scientists had in mind at all.

Downward Spiral Continues

Yesterday I almost "posted" something about Foster Brooks but deleted it at the last moment. The day before that, I "posted" something about people falling down in television commercials. That one made it to the "blog" but not for long. It was "perceptive" and "timely" - of that you may be certain! But my chosen illustration of a banana peel displeased me greatly. Rather than finding a more comely banana peel, I deleted the whole "post" in a fit of mad rage. This sort of "thinking" and "pondering" and "deciding" that "blogging" is "pointless" is sure to accelerate the downfall of the "blog"! I blame something or someone other than myself.

Fun Times For Fat Boy

Here is a picture of me that Neko Case took. In it, I am fake typing on Faulkner's actual typewriter, on which he wrote his actual books, in Faulkner's actual office while Neko Case stands over me with a camera, snapping away! Hence my stuporous bovine trance. What was I supposed to do? NOT put it on my "blog"?

"Blogging" In Steep Decline

The "blogging" news is grim. It seems that "blogging" averages have dropped over the past year. Our first year's average of 2.8 "posts" per day has dropped to 2.5 over two years. That's right: we let our "blog"iversary of September 27 pass without notice - without, literally, a word -, another sign of "blogging" lethargy, or "blog"thargy as it is called in "blogging" circles, or "blircles." Warnings of "blogging's" decline have been with us since the beginning, and it seems that the predictions were accurate. If "blogging" trends continue, we will be down to less than two "posts" a day by the end of 2011. Not pretty to contemplate. The time to act is now, people! I thought I would add a picture of a monkey here to cheer us up. That always works. But my heart wasn't in it. No monkey seemed suitable. When I went back to pick out some highlights of the year in "blogging" I discovered that there weren't any.

Makes Me Think

Ah! That makes me think of Le Kangourou.

More to McNeil's Liking

McNeil, Briefly

Welcome once again to "McNeil, Briefly," your regularly scheduled McNeil update. McNeil says he has switched to "organic pop tarts." There are many things wrong with that designation. For one, "Pop Tarts" is a brand name. He still slathers his toaster pastries with margarine and says they taste great when washed down with something containing aspartame. In other McNeil news, McNeil held his nose and watched a youtube clip that did not involve Dean Martin or any of his cronies. Of the the trombone quartet recently featured here, he said, "I don't get it." Well, McNeil, there's nothing to get. It's a trombone quartet. The trombonist assigned to the trills does an admirable job. Oh! Speaking of Dean Martin, I forgot to tell McNeil about a reference he would appreciate. People kept appearing from behind a divider as they entered Neko Case's band bus the other day. "It's like Dean Martin's closet!" said Kelly Hogan.

Bunting Galore

I had the good fortune of spending yesterday with Kelly Hogan, Neko Case, the great pedal steel guitarist Jon Rauhouse, the artist enigmatically known as "Judge" (well, it's her surname, which is not really enigmatic) and Howe Gelb, the genius of Giant Sand (a Barry B. "fave" band) and OP8. But I'm not going to tell you about it! The events of the day will most likely be related in an article in the upcoming Oxford American music issue. I CAN tell you this: at Neko's show last night, I ran into good neighbor John T. Edge, who is in charge of the food around tonight's presidential debate. John T., who used to live, as I did, in Atlanta, clued me in that he had invited the fine folks from Atlanta's Taqueria del Sol (a personal "fave" spot of Mr. Edge and myself) to bring some of their fried chicken tacos and beef brisket tacos to the people of Oxford, MS. I swore a pact upon the spot to meet John T. on campus, in front of the taco tent! And so I did, for I often crave the delicious tacos of Tacqueria del Sol but now I live so very far away. I was the first in line, twenty minutes before they started serving. And because of security surrounding the debate, I LITERALLY had to walk MILES for my tacos! But there was trouble. A petty bureaucrat appeared and tried to tell the taco makers that they could not serve their tacos because of some miniscule paperwork error. Next thing you know, I heard some local guy on the phone with the GOVERNOR'S office! Like (I'm paraphrasing), "Get me the Governor! There's taco trouble!" So the Governor of Mississippi stepped in (saying something like, I suppose, "I am suspending this debate until we solve this taco crisis!") and allowed me to have my tacos. Later, by coincidence, I was strolling along eating a fried chicken taco about two feet from where the governor emerged from his car. And I held up my taco and yelled, "Thanks for the taco, Governor!" Then I ran and hid because I was afraid of being tasered. I ate another taco while seated on a hay bale, like I was at some kind of old-timey political gathering. Which I was! I mean, the old man seated on the next hay bale over was wearing a straw boater with a red-white-and-blue band! A gospel choir was singing and the national networks walked among us. There was bunting galore. Walking around Oxford yesterday, Jon Rauhouse observed, "It looks like they're filming INHERIT THE WIND here." (He also delighted in repeating the word "bunting" at every appropriate moment.) At today's festivities, I was also obliged to enjoy a sausage dog, because Chef Dan Latham (erstwhile owner of the late, great L&M) was cooking them. When you see Dan Latham and pork in the same spot, you don't walk away! I was a little perturbed because a guy held a McCain sign directly over my head the entire time I was standing in line for my sausage dog. It is a free country, I guess! I am not trying to get "political." But it is rude to hold a sign over someone else's head. Consider, sir, how it reflects on your candidate! I did not say this at the time. I am afraid I just made funny faces at the cashier, as if to say, "Get a load of this guy!" I'm pretty sure I'm passive-aggressive. (Above, straw boaters. Below, flags and stuff.)

Why Can't I Be More Like Jon Host?

I suppose you'd all prefer it if I were more like Jon Host, and only deigned to "blog" whenever my brother fell off a tractor. Well, I'm sorry I'm not Jon Host! But if that's the way you want it, fine. I have to warn you, my brother is not likely to fall off a tractor. And you'll be all, "Boo hoo hoo! Where's the 'blog'!?" And I'll be like, "Whatever." I'll be like, "Sorry, I'm waiting for my brother to fall off a tractor." And you'll be all, "Please, Jack! I need an update on the Foster Brooks robot!" And I'll just look at my watch like I'm thinking about something else. I don't have a watch, but I plan to get one for just such an occasion. I hope you're happy!

My Days Are Full

Hey, if you "click" on that recent reference to Soupy Sales (and why would you?) and then you "click" again (again, why?), you may be taken to an old "post" about monkeys controlling a robot arm with their thoughts. But if you "click" yet again (don't you have something better to do?) you will find what seems to be a factual error on the "blog." A factual error on a "blog"! This will not stand. But you see, it's a design flaw, not a factual error. The recent "post" should have included a "link" to another "post" in which the seeming discrepancy was explained. Whew! I'm glad that's settled. This is what I do now. What do YOU do? Something important? Well la-di-da. Don't let me keep you!

I Am Not An Anatomist

This morning I was walking past the Ford Center here in Oxford, MS, when it struck me for the first time that the presidential candidates were set to have their first debate on the very stage where George Saunders and I had OUR first debate! To be accurate, George Saunders and I did not have a debate. It was like, "You are nice." "Thank you." "How pleasant to see you." "And you as well." It was a reading. I read then he read and there was very little fighting. Well, when I got home this afternoon, the future of the upcoming debate between You Know Who and Old What's His Name had been thrown into doubt! You can imagine how distressed I was about my loss of "braggin' rights." But not everything is terrible! For example, both Jon Stewart and David Letterman did Jerry Lewis voices on their late night shows this evening. Mr. Stewart pretended to injure his shoulder and said something like, "I hurt my LOYD-anum," in the famed Jerry manner. I am paraphrasing. The final word was a Jerry-like word that I cannot recall with certainty and I wouldn't be surprised if it did not represent an actual part of the shoulder. I am not an anatomist! Then I "flipped over" to find Mr. Letterman pronouncing the surname "Spitzer" with a Jerry-like twist. See? Jerry is relevant, just like I keep insisting all the time into the uncaring void. Finally I will mention that Stephen Colbert ended his program this evening with a Soupy Sales reference. Am I quite as excited as I would be had he chosen Jerry Lewis? Perhaps not. But it was a nice try. P.S. When I was looking for something to "link" with the word "presidential" (above) I noticed with surprise that in a previous edition of Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner, someone has placed a pencil on Kennedy's podium, despite direct orders to the contrary! Check it out. P.P.S. Perversely, I have chosen an image of Soupy Sales with which to illustrate this "post."

Granted

From Mark Childress comes a newsworthy "tip": Dr. Regina Benjamin, a woman in my hometown of Bayou La Batre, is one of this year's winners of the MacArthur Foundation "genius grant." I'm not familiar with Dr. Benjamin, but Mom says that several of her friends visit Dr. Benjamin and one of my childhood acquaintances works for her. Remember when "blog" friend George Saunders received one of those "genius grants"? Yes, I am giving the "blog" some sort of mystical credit for all these "genius grants." Stick with the "blog" and it is pretty much a sure thing that you will get one, too! So: Good for Dr. Benjamin, good for Bayou La Batre, good for everybody. We couldn't be prouder. In other medical news, Mr. Ward fell onto a big clay pot and broke "a bunch of ribs"! We wish him a speedy recovery. It reminds us of when Amanda Stern broke her foot, which we assume is better by now.

Distress Call

McNeil! What am I going to do with him? Yesterday, during a telephone call, he revealed something unexpected and distressing: He does not watch the "blog's" "youtube" clips IF they involve homemade things such as this fellow doing his Michael Caine impression or this talented young woman performing the opening number from the Music Man in her own home! To me, these represent the fulsome, egalitarian spirit of the "youtube." Yet at any sign of actual non-celebrity humans or so-called "unprofessional" production "values," McNeil immediately suspends the operation of his "youtube." McNeil prefers his own slick brand of MGMIEETs, and indeed submitted two samples today: THIS and THAT. Nothing against them! SPOILER ALERT! One contains Bob Hope, Don Rickles, John Wayne, and Bing Crosby while the other features Sammy Davis, Jr., and Batman. Fine! I can enjoy that. But why can't McNeil, in turn, appreciate the two young British gentlemen who try their best at a Laurel and Hardy number or some guys who take their bassoons into an elevator? That is all I ask! (Pictured, semaphore flags, which seem appropriate to the title of our "post.") P.S. Remember the time McNeil sent us some footage of an average joe enjoying a rainbow? Perhaps McNeil is more a "man of the people" than he seems! Perhaps!

I Didn't Forget You

Don't fear, "blog" friends. I tried to "blog" yesterday. I wanted to find something as good as this. Remember that? But I didn't. So rather than present a poor example of "blogging," I decided to go to bed. The closest thing I found was this, and I think you'll agree that while it's diverting, I could have done better:

The Jerry Reference That Got Away

I missed a reference to Jerry Lewis in the New York Times yesterday. You can't blame me! There are so many of them. This one was by Alessandra Stanley. No doubt she has heard about the contest I set up between Manohla Dargis and A.O. Scott, and wants to get in on it. I always thought it would be Jon Pareles who leapt into the fray! I will not "link" to Ms. Stanley's reference, as it equates Charlie Sheen with Dean Martin. Nothing personal against Mr. Sheen! But the mind reels. (Update: I think the article in question will be in TOMORROW'S Times. But the "web" version was published yesterday. I think. I'm all mixed up inside!)

Run, McNeil, Run!

Hey, remember when McNeil stopped worrying about the particle collider and decided that invisible soldiers were more of a threat? Well, "D." from Atlanta has sent along an article sure to put the fear back in McNeil's heart where it belongs. Says the article, "In a statement Thursday, the European Organization for Nuclear Research reported for the first time that a 30-ton transformer that cools part of the collider broke." I have no idea what that means! But it can't be good! Run!

Ivan T. Sanderson and the Unnamed Behemoth

I was "flipping around" the other day and landed on a program about UFOs. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am not that interested in UFOs. But they seem to be on television all the time, or maybe I am just noticing them more often now that somehow they have become a "blog" preoccupation, like velvet suits. (I should mention that I just saw the comedian Katt Williams on TV in a bright green velvet jacket, I believe.) I blame McNeil. In any case, this UFO show flashed an image of a UFO book by Ivan T. Sanderson. I was surprised! I recognized the name. You know how I love cheap books. I once picked up a 1937 first edition of Ivan T. Sanderson's ANIMAL TREASURE for fifty cents at a library book sale. It's a pretty straightforward travel/naturalist book for the general reader, though chock-full of the kind of sentences I enjoy: "These were giant millepedes, larger than Frankfurt sausages. They are harmless, timid, and friendly animals, filled mostly with air and completely devoid of any sense." (And on the next page he meets some pangolins!) So I did not associate Ivan T. Sanderson with UFOs. Hence my surprise. But it did stir a memory which turned out to be correct. I thought I had seen Mr. Sanderson's name in a McSweeney's article about the yeti. (One issue of McSweeney's contained a magazine-within-a-magazine called YETI RESEARCHER [the only book ever to be stolen from my home! But that's another "post"], in which Mr. Sanderson is given credit as "the first to propose a classification system" for "cryptic hominids.") Once you make the leap from pangolins and millepedes to yetis, I suppose it is only one more short hop to UFOs. But none of this is what I meant to say. When I did some "Googling" on Mr. Sanderson, I found a review of ANIMAL TREASURE on the "web" site of the obscene behemoth, that corporation I will never name (where I am STILL designated as a "YA writer" despite PW's kind correction). If there is anything I enjoy about the behemoth, it is distilled in the time the person reviewed a pair of socks. I also appreciated the boisterous "customer review" of Sanderson, which I present now for your pleasure, with its flights of enchanting - indeed, rapturous - misspelling and "questionable" grammar intact. I believe they express enthusiasm in a way that a more proper and restrained reflection never could, and in fact I feel a certain kinship with the kid who wrote the review. Sometimes I try to write this way "in character" but it just goes to show you that nothing beats the real thing: "this was a really great book, I read it like 10 times. I read it so many times it fell in about 5 peices even if you dont like animals a lot its very iteresting and witty and tell's about a lot of strange animals. its also funny, Ivan T sanderson is a very funny writer. I totaly recomend this book !!! P.S this book was wrote like 100 years ago and tells about a english dude going to africa to collect rare animal specimens. on his journey he runs into giant bat's, loud lizards,and cool snakes, and to make it better its all a true story !"

Yikes

McNeil has been reading Pawlicki on the subject of time travel. We hope he doesn't get any crazy ideas! Too late. He writes: "Scroll all the way down to the end of this page and read the last line...then the salutation...AWESOME." We did as McNeil asked. We read, "The technology of time travel confers upon the technocrats the power to create entire worlds to order. The engineers accede to the power of the immortal gods, transcending time and space. When we meet the gods, we shall find that they are us. THE END" Awesome, McNeil? We feel that "yikes" might be a more proper exclamation. (Pictured, McNeil.)

A Secret

The NBIL has come up with a good name for a band. But I don't think I should tell you what it is. You might steal it! It's Poe-based, that's all I can say. "Poe-based" would be a terrible name for a band, even if you had a Poe impersonator playing bass. Especially then!