"Blog" Generates Sadness, Rage, Confusion

After taking a day off yesterday, the "blog" has been deluged with complaints and cries for help. My brother-in-law is concerned about the dwindling production rate, which I can only blame on my exhausted interns. They have been working their little hearts out! But it's simply not enough. We're getting rid of the lot of them, and holding open calls for a fresh set of eyes. In the meantime, a disturbing note from Jeff McNeil was tossed into the lobby, attached to a rock. Mr. McNeil, seemingly reeling from the effects of some over-the-counter medication, insists that I figure out a way to mention Jerry Lewis so often that this "blog" comes up first on the "internet" when he "googles" for Jerry Lewis. If I do not comply, McNeil insists that he will start his own "blog." He goes on to make some chilling threats on the Pendarvis Building itself, involving a catapult. It is sad to see such a bright young mind in so much distress. While I wait for the new interns, I will attempt to "blog" alone. Thank you for your patience in this matter.

Two Appearances This Week

I forgot to mention I'll be out running my mouth on two consecutive nights this week. On Thursday night at 6:30 you can catch Hollis Gillespie, Ramona Debreaux, and myself at the main branch of the Atlanta library. We'll be talking about how reading changed our lives. In my case, it made me come to school dressed as The Shadow in fourth grade, just on a whim, mind you, it wasn't "dress up day" or anything, which resulted in some painful memories I carry with me still. Come join the fun! Then on Friday night I'll be reading some fancy prose of mine at that art show I've mentioned before. I believe music will be provided by Hubcap City. That's the real draw! I'm not sure what time the activities start, but it's art, so you can come whenever you want.

Update

Well, Homais the apothecary has talked Charles Bovary into performing a delicate operation on the unfortunate stable boy. I'm afraid something's going to go horribly wrong! Meanwhile, Werewolf By Night is scrapping with a couple of bikers named "Little Man" and "Chains." I'm afraid something's going to go horribly wrong!

Good Parenting

Intrigued by a recent "posting," the parents of all-American boy Jeff McNeil wrote in to ask if Roy Clark is still alive. Not only is he alive, you can contact him! We're only too happy to help. That's what "blogs" are for! I may have to scrap the mission statement and start over from scratch, because Hee Haw is not mentioned anywhere in it. Jerry Lewis is, however. Which brings us to the second part of the communication we recently enjoyed with the McNeil family. It seems as if Jeff's daughter Kelsey is in trouble for a minor infraction. Her punishment? Watching CRACKING UP with Dad. It just may prove to be the defining moment of her life.

Big Day

It was a big day here in the Pendarvis Building. Several of the interns were let out for an impromptu "field trip." They had become all worked up and frenzied by Tom Bissell's recent "post". And as "video games" and "Xboxes" are not allowed into the compound, we made do very nicely with the purchase of a couple of gigantic paperback compilations of Moon Knight and Werewolf By Night. These are in black-and-white and printed on extremely cheap paper, but loads of fun for the kids. Color them yourself! Theresa bought a few issues of Wonder Woman, a few of The Spectre (he's the one popping out of the crystal ball in the accompanying illustration) and one of Dr. Strange. Then the weather turned spooky, perfect for reading comic books. But the fun wasn't over yet! Several of the interns piled into the old station wagon and headed out to see the new movie by Joey Lauren Adams. She's a good writer and director! It was the kind of deeply humane, quiet, unblinking slice-of-life you hardly see anymore, peppered with bone-dry humor. Oh yes, the title is COME EARLY MORNING. Which reminds me. I forgot to mention earlier that Pia Z. Ehrhardt's book is called FAMOUS FATHERS. Isn't that a great title?

Dispatch From Rome: The Sequel

Things are buzzing in Rome, the city of Romans. Correspondent Tom Bissell has been making the most of his time there. Just the other day he spent 10 hours playing a videogame called Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Before we get into the details, I want to tell everyone that I still haven't mastered "paragraph breaks" - a personal failure that I know makes it hard to read some of the longer "posts." Don't be sad! Just do the best you can. That's all anyone can ask! With that, we hand it over to Mr. Bissell and his Roman adventures: "I continue to find Thor disappointingly unpowerful," writes Mr. Bissell. "Though I like his Beta Ray Bill alternate uniform very much. I also love Captain America's World War II uniform (with his non-round, shield-shaped shield), and Daredevil's yellow-and-red uniform. I have yet to play Colossus, Ms. Marvel, Electra, Spider-Man, and the Thing. My current team is Daredevil (orginal uniform), Black Panther (new uniform, since the classic uni has a cape I don't like), Doctor Strange (classic uni), and Human Torch (original uni), who is also possibly the single most devastating player in the game. Alternates are Wolverine (original uniform, though sometimes I switch to classic), Storm (mohawk Storm), Moon Knight (new uniform, which is kind of awesomely ugly), and Ghost Rider (original uniform), who's awesome because he has the ability to spontaneously raise the dead if someone dies. To unlock Ghost Rider, you have to trade a teammate's soul for his when you find him in Mephisto's lair/hell. After much reflection, I decided to trade Captain America's soul. I figured Cap would have volunteered himself, given that the remainder of the team--this was my first time through--was Wolverine, Spider-Woman (black and white Secret Wars uniform), and Luke Cage (original uniform), none of whom are noted for their powerful consciences. So yes, while I live in Rome, this is about all I've been doing for the last two days. I have several things I need to write, and yet moving tiny little childhood heroes of mine around magnificently detailed little worlds, while beating up villains, is more compelling than Rome at the moment... I have recently infected another fellow here with the game--another comic book fan from way back. We played until three AM last night. We agreed that it is a good thing this game came out now, when we're in our early thirties, because had it come out when we were thirteen we may 1) have never lost our virginity and 2) killed ourselves out of the recognition that life would never offer us anything this awesome again. My friend can't believe you really get to go to Atlantis and the Skrull world, and Latveria, and Arcade's Murderworld, etc., etc. I can't either. It really is like a dream come true... All the characters have special moves, powers, exactly analogous to their comic book personas. Unlike a lot of fighting games, they are easy to pull off; this isn't one of those games that feels like Simon Says-esque memorization challenges. As for the moves, Moon Knight throws tiny little sharp crescent moons, and whips out the nunchucks to wail on ass. Wolverine has a great move called "Evisceration." Captain America throws his shield around, devastatingly. Luke Cage smashes people's faces into the ground. Ghost Rider has a move that sets people's hair on fire, after which they run around screaming. Move's name: "Fear." Awesome. Also, the graphics are absolutely beautiful. The intersticial cut-scene movies between boards are almost as good looking as a film, believe it or not. One more plus: the voice talent is more blast-from-the-past-type coolitude. Lady Sif, from Asgard (Thor's old girlfriend), is voiced by none other than Escape from New York's Adrienne Barbeau. Mr. Fantastic is voiced by An American Werewolf in London's David Naughton (who played the American werewolf in London [which come to think of it may be my favorite movie title of all time]). Excelsior!"

And His Buckaroos

I want to recommend a muscial recorded LP album CD entitled RUBY AND OTHER BLUEGRASS SPECIALS, by Buck Owens and His Buckaroos. "Blog" Buddy Barry B. and I were just discussing the other day how for years we tended to think of Mr. Owens dismissively, as the funny Hee Haw man. We were idiots! RUBY is not a typical Owens album. It's an odd hybrid... not true bluegrass, not typical Bakersfield sound. What is it? I don't know. Listen to "I Know You're Married, But I Love You Still," with its creepy medieval-sounding harmonies. Yes, it's similar to the falsetto you hear on a lot of Owens recordings, but put to eerier purpose. If I weren't just a "blog" poser, or "bloser" (long O sound) as I call it in my special language of "blogging," I would know how to "download" that particular song here, or "upload" it, or something, so you could hear it. But I can't. I found the CD on the Sundazed label. They seem to put out all kinds of good stuff.

All That Glitters

I just found out from "Blog" Buddy Pia Z. Ehrhardt ("the New Orleans 'Blog' Buddy") that my new book, YOUR BODY IS CHANGING, is available for pre-ordering. So is hers! According to the "web" advertisement, I "glitter with mischief and perversity." Won't my mother be proud?

Madame Bovary

Hey, do you know what "rocks"? Madame Bovary, that's what! I'm reading the Francis Steegmuller translation, which "rocks." You go, Francis Steegmuller!

Gilmore Girls Expelled From "Blog" Under Cloud of Ignominy

"Blog" favorite Caroline Young sends a wire in response to Phil Oppenheim's most recent spate of grousing. In brief, Young asserts that the newfound "Republican values" of the Gilmore Girls coincide with the loss of Republican power in the House and Senate. Several astute sociological conclusions are put forward in Young's telegram. Unfortunately, a decision was handed down by the "blog" board of directors just this morning that we can no longer discuss "Gilmore Girls" on this "blog." The effect is unseemly. It is almost as if there is a middle-aged man who spends all his time "blogging" about the "Gilmore Girls." Preposterous!

Awesome

As I mentioned quite recently, the novel I just sold is called AWESOME. Well, thanks to Mark Childress I have my epigraph. In his recent article about Las Vegas, he quotes the stage patter of a certain star. Just think of how it will look on the front page of my book: "I think we've really been feeling awesome for four years." -- Celine Dion

Sneeze

Today I thought I had to sneeze but I never did.

Writings

It warms our hearts to see so many of our "Blog" Buddies striking out as "legit" writers on their own. Mark Childress has a witty and compassionate new piece in the LA Times, while Tom Bissell waxes eloquent in the latest issue of The Believer. We're proud to have put these struggling artists on the "map"!

Correction

Phil Oppenheim lives in a morass of ennui, not an "abyss of mental torment" as previously reported.

Movie

Although we would never presume to call her a "Blog" Buddy, we at the "blog" have been lucky enough to hobnob with movie star Joey Lauren Adams a couple of times. The most recent occasion took place in a popular tavern in Ms. Adams' adoptive hometown of _________. Ms. Adams conversed about a movie she has written and directed. Quite an accomplishment! And her motivation made the film sound even more interesting: sick and tired of seeing cliched depictions of a non-existent "South," Ms. Adams decided to make her own accurate and highly personal Southern story. Well, it opens tomorrow and I think it would behoove us all to go see it! It also turns out that I will soon be interviewing Ms. Adams for a magazine. Details to follow. Keep your eye on the "blog"!

Ice Cream

Although I failed to mention it in my recent mission statement, ice cream is one of the most vital concerns of this "blog." Tonight I had some olive oil ice cream with smears of sauce on the plate: sour orange with dates AND rosewater. It was the best ice cream I ever had! And I got it at a restaurant across the street.

Poetry

This from an anonymous friend of the "blog": "Tonight I went to a poetry reading and the woman sitting next to me made so much noise with her cup of ice, the person sitting on the other side of me reached across my lap and made her give him her ice... Oh, tonight at dinner I heard a poet complain about the word 'awesome.' He said he hates how the word is used and a person is lucky if he has two genuinely 'awesome' experiences in his life. Then he went on awhile about the etymology of the word which has something to do with Yahweh and stars, according to him." The reason our friend mentions the word "awesome" is that I just sold my first novel, which is entitled AWESOME. It's about a big, sexy giant. Now I want you to put it out of your mind, because my second book of stories doesn't even come out until May, and you need to be putting all your energy and concentration into that. The novel doesn't raise its ugly head until 2008.

Bumper Sticker

Today I saw a bumper sticker that questioned how many animals and plants had been destroyed in the service of my "fat a--" (!). It hurt my feelings!

"iPod"

I don't listen to my "iPod" as much as I used to.

Tuesday

There seemed to be a lot going on last night. On Fox and CNN, they were talking about "blogs" a lot. Apparently, "blogs" are extremely important! Apparently, the world cares about "blogs"! This is exciting news for me personally. I can change the world, apparently, through the majesty of my "blogging." There was something "political" going on yesterday, apparently. I have not been apprised of the details. Anyway, I was hanging out at the tickertape machine all night, waiting for word from bilious TV executive Phil Oppenheim about what he thought of last night's Gilmore Girls episode. Perhaps this was the source of last night's "hubbub" on CNN and Fox! I was not able to catch all the details, but people were certainly worked up about something, and I can only assume it was the "Girls." In any case, I was not disappointed by the promptness of Mr. Oppenheim's jeremiad, though I may have been chagrined by his white-hot rage. "Worst of all, for me," writes Phil of GILMORE GIRLS, "its politics stink. The show was always about rich people living in a fairy-tale land, but it also embraced a handful of progressive (for tv, anyway) ideas: (1) biological parents may not always be the best people to raise their own children, (2) people who have had children together may not be suited to be together as a couple, or as a family, (3) the nuclear family may not always be the most functional unit, (4) people from different social classes can be romantically involved with one another, and more. By pairing Christopher back up with Lorelai, Rory with the loathsome Huntzberger heir (whose radical change from privileged party boy into successful businessman-not exactly the transformation of Prince Hal into Henry V, if you know what I mean-seems to be really, really cool with Rory)...the show has become a banal, reactionary Harlequin romance." Ouch! We do not like to indulge in negativity on the "blog," but the importance of last night's events suggest a brief dip into the abyss. Mr. Oppenheim, after all, lives in an abyss of mental torment, and if we are truly to understand him, we must follow him there.