Kent Says Something Funny Is Going On

Attention Dr. "M."! Our friend Kent has weighed in with answers to your questions about LOST. As usual, I have edited them to prevent spoilers for the good people who prefer watching LOST on DVD. Let me know if you need any asterisks filled in, Dr. "M."! And now, Kent's response: "Hmmmm....good questions! I've read that the parallel storylines will eventually merge. Why couldn't Jack remember how he knew *******, when in season two he remembers him right away? Something funny is going on! I think Sayid is now *****. (or vice versa) That's why Sayid had to *** ******. Like *****. I don't think they ever explained why women die in childbirth, but I think it had something to do with Ben being on the wrong path. I don't remember Charlie being suicidal in the pilot. The Harrison Ford of Japan gang does seem a little been there done that, although I like the actor who plays Lennon. He was on Deadwood and Eastbound and Down. I didn't hear the flight attendant say the second flight. I thought she just said the flight. Hmmm..... I took the Richard in chains line to mean that he came to the island ** *** ***** ****. Man, I wish I could watch all the episodes at once. This waiting is b******t!"

Quirky Author

According to Roanoke.com, there will be a movie, and "Quirky author Jack Pendarvis will also speak." As opposed to, I don't know, William Dean Howells. Not very quirky, I'm guessing.

Ghost Money

I realize I have given away all my copies of the books I have written, and since my publisher has vanished or something, it puts me in the funny position of contemplating buying copies of my OWN BOOKS! And those books are TERRIBLE! The super funny part is that I won't even get the royalties, because MY PUBLISHER HAS SEEMINGLY VANISHED. The royalties go to royalty heaven, I think. I think they are ghost money. I believe that's how that works.

C-Spandemonium!

Welcome once again to "C-Spandemonium!" Now you are going to think I am getting "political," but the "blog" doesn't really get "political." Still, I am going to mention Sarah Palin, whom I just saw on C-Span. On C-Span she said that her son had never "turned on C-Span in his young life." And the crowd, which was pro-Sarah Palin, and which knew themselves to be on C-Span, applauded and whooped in an ecstatic manner. Like, "Take that, C-Span!" Truthfully, it didn't even sound as if Sarah Palin meant much by it, but the crowd was eager to show its disdain for C-Span. Which is weird! I mean, C-Span is inert, you know what I mean? I mean, it is as if they whooped and hollered and carried on because she said her son never had a pet turtle or something. That's why our patented phrase "C-Spandemonium!" is humorous: because C-Span is the possibly dead pet turtle of networks. They just turn the camera on and go get coffee or something. They're not out to get you! Besides, they are doing you a kindness by turning on their camera at your event! You don't go rudely whooping and hollering and clapping about how superior and mean you feel toward C-Span! It's like spitting on a bewildered turtle! I don't mean "inert" or "dead pet turtle" in a bad way. I guess it is none of my business if people want to have bad thoughts about C-Span, but I can't understand it, I just can't, I want to cradle C-Span in my arms and tell it everything is okay.

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner Presents: Dr. "M.'s" Eight Mysterious Questions of Mystery

I can't believe it is already time for another episode of Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner! Today Dr. "M." has eight mysterious questions of mystery about the TV show LOST, which I am going to forward to Kent. Kent will know! With that, I give you Dr. "M.": 1) "So there is no swoosh between the two storylines now, which indicates to me that we are dealing with two parallel *********? **** LA and **** Island. Will those in **** all of a sudden have new ********* of the past 3 years if the two storylines ever merge? I don't think that would be believable (as if the rest of the show is!). ([The Farmer] points out that the **** ******* storyline is also the basis of 'Fringe,' also a JJ Abrams show!)" 2) "Is Sayid now *****, or vice versa?" 3) "Did we ever figure out why women die in childbirth on the island?" 4) "Was Charlie suicidal in the pilot? I can't recall. I miss the Hobbit, don't you?" 5) "Does the appearance of the ***** ****** (led by the Harrison Ford of Japan, as I read in EW) feel a little 'been there, done that'?" 6) "What did the flight attendant mean by 'They were on the second flight'? Or did she say first flight? That line made me think that the storylines will eventually merge. Obviously, getting to the island is their destiny (how many times will that word be used this season?!) as shown in what goes down once they **** ** ***." 7) "Does anyone else think that a character's grief can often bring down a show? How are we going to deal with grumpy Sawyer all season? He will be so sad that he won't be able to take off his shirt. Which will make us sad too. Well, at least me." 8) "I wonder if Richard was in chains like Prometheus. (Was it Prometheus who was chained to a rock and had his liver eaten by a vulture each night? Did I make that up?!)" [No! - ed.] PS: Hey, Kent, let me know if you need me to fill in any of the spoiler-preventing asterisks!

Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner

"Man in eyeliner...in chains???" So reads Dr. "M.'s" long-awaited new entry in our popular regular feature "Dr. 'M.'s' TV Korner." You may complain that it is a short entry! Five words! Two of them the same word! The same word of a mere two letters! And who would not want more Dr. "M."? So in that way you would have a point! I guess! But Dr. "M.'s" words - on the subject of the television program LOST -are fraught! Fraught I tell you! Fraught with meaning! And dread! And speculation! And besides, Dr. "M." has been a little preoccupied lately... WITH HAVING A BABY! As the "blog" is very happy to announce. Now "blog" conspiracy theorists - and I am sure you exist! - will use this as a reason to speculate that my very own sister is Dr. "M.," just because my very own sister recently had a baby named Jasper. But Dr. "M." is NOT my sister and Dr. "M.'s" baby is a different baby with a different name. For reasons of anonymity we are going to call him "Dr. Baby." Welcome to the world, Dr. Baby!

Boring Golf Story

There's a golf story that name-drops Jerry Lewis in the New York Times today. It's the sort of passing Jerry reference I might hardly feel the obligation to bring to your attention, but it DOES mean that the NYT has mentioned Jerry two days in a row now, so that's something. We like to keep tabs on these things! Also, in the same article, there's an offhand mention of W.C. Fields "taking liberties with the daughter of a Los Angeles police officer."

A Thousand Exclamation Points

I just saw Elvis Costello on TV and Elvis Costello said that he hadn't read a word of fiction since he was a teenager. Then I lay down on the floor and started to cry and I never, ever stopped.

Nobody Cares!

Look, I have already told Kent this but now it's time for the rest of you to know it, so get ready. LOST is going to turn out to be all about Zoroastrianism or Manichaeism or some other word I'm pretty sure I'm not spelling correctly. You just wait and see! I'll meet you back here when LOST is over and then I'll be all, "I told you so." And you'll be like, "Shut up." So I guess LOST is on at the same time as THE GOOD WIFE now, which leaves me in a pickle. You know who could get those people off that island? The Good Wife, that's who!

My Pal Don

Today in the New York Times we learn that Don Delillo's new book contains a Jerry Lewis reference! Also, it (the book) was inspired by an art installation that has likewise inspired the "blog": 24-hour PSYCHO. Delillo says of that piece, "Most of the time I was the only one there except for a guard, and the few people who came in left quite hastily." I would have stayed, Don! I would have been your friend! I believe I can conclude from this evidence that Don Delillo and I are exactly alike.

And Here

And here is my neighbor quoting Wadada Leo Smith on the great (epochal? Maybe! What does that mean?) Louis Armstrong/Earl Hines recording of "Weather Bird": "Now this duo music, as you will have noticed if you’ve ever heard it, does not have drums, but the spirit-essence of the drums is there!" Yes! I will see if youtube has "Weather Bird" so you can judge for yourself. Okay, here it is. The photos are stiff, mere placeholders. Who needs them? Close your eyes!

Allow Me

Allow me to quote my neighbor on the subject of Wadada Leo Smith: "For Smith, all music can be traced to the vital life force through which the seemingly disparate pulses and voices of nature miraculously converge into a vibrant whole." All right? ALL RIGHT!

Look!

Look! My neighbor wrote an article about Wadada Leo Smith for THE BROOKLYN RAIL!

Percival Everett Alert

Everybody loves Percival Everett! I am part of that club. If you are in Oxford, MS, or hereabouts, you should go see Percival Everett read at the Overby Center on the evening of February 11. As for myself, I will be on the way to the Marginal Arts Festival in Roanoke, VA. So I am happy and sad. Sad to miss meeting Percival Everett, happy to be a Marginal Artist at the Marginal Arts Festival.

Press Agent!

Today I read in the New York Times that Admiral Mike Mullen's father was the press agent for Bob Hope and Phyllis Diller!

Goosed Up

I favor the dull, dry author bio. As an example, see my one-sentence number over on THE BELIEVER "web" site. (I just realized: it's sort of a lie!) The other kind is the "interesting" author bio, as parodied in my first book like so: "Skip Shell is a painter, cook and raconteur. When not traveling the world in his nicely painted convertible, Skip amuses himself by pulling the wings off flies." So I have heard more about the auction: the drawings by Barry Hannah and Tina Fey fetched prices somewhere in the $400-$500 range, whereas mine netted like $175. Not too shabby, but appropriately measly in comparison. I also hear that some people behind the scenes at the auction thought my bio (a bio accompanied each drawing) was too boring and goosed it up at the last minute for extra spiciness. For example, they apparently mentioned my affection for Messiaen and stray cats. Fair enough! I am not hiding my love for Messiaen or stray cats! And it is very flattering that they felt the desire to help, took the time to rewrite my bio, and described me in such glowing terms. But people generally assume that so-called "authors" write their own "bios," so I don't want anyone who was at the auction to think I was bragging about a predilection for Messiaen and stray cats! The "blog" is the place where I do that. To put such things in your own author bio is the equivalent of the dubious author photo, you know the one, the one in which you're wearing a hat AND chewing the stem of your eyeglasses! It reminds of the "Jack Pendarvis is Awesome" (!) page on facebook, with which I am entirely unaffiliated (though people seem to think I created it), and the title of which I find embarrassing due to my unworthiness, yet who would be so churlish as to complain about such kindness? Once again, I am appreciative to the people who goosed up my bio for the auction. They did a great job and made me sound like a real hero. But if people think I wrote it myself it will come off like I'm some sort of fake big shot trying to shoulder my way undeservedly into the company of Barry Hannah and Tina Fey, whose bios were no doubt modest and clean. (I realize that the dry author bio is its own kind of affectation, perhaps a subtler form of bragging. No matter how you figure it, I'm the worst person ever!)

Weeping Twain

Hey, remember that auction of literary pictures drawn by Tina Fey and me? Well, I ran into Richard Howorth today. He was at the auction and had some information. He said that Barry Hannah drew a picture for it, too, and that Barry Hannah's picture was of (I will paraphrase Richard's description) Mark Twain weeping at a Natchez casino. Twain is onstage and all the chairs for the audience are empty and a sandwich board announces that Twain is there to sing the songs of Trini Lopez. This is a picture I wish I had seen. Below, Trini Lopez in MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS, a frequent object of "blog" contemplation:

The Funny Part

I see that the Library Journal is recommending a new novel to "appreciators of J. D. Salinger's CATCHER IN THE RYE and Jack Pendarvis' SHUT UP, UGLY." The funny part is that SHUT UP, UGLY has no appreciators! It doesn't exist! My (former? no one will tell me!) publisher is still having "phone problems," such as forgetting how to pick one up, that's one phone problem, so I still have no explanation for you... or me! The other funny part is Library Journal's weird notion that SHUT UP, UGLY and CATCHER IN THE RYE have anything in common. Life has so many funny parts when you think about it!

Big Night For Jerry References

There was a Jerry Lewis reference on THE SIMPSONS tonight. Homer said, "I've been acting like telethon Jerry Lewis when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis!" Then I was watching Elvis Costello's talk show. Did you know that Elvis Costello has a talk show? Well he does. And did you know that there's a picture of me having dinner with Elvis Costello? I just wanted to make sure! But the important thing is that I was watching the Elvis Costello talk show via dvr and guest Bruce Springsteen cited Jerry Lewis as an influence. To be thorough, I should say that Mr. Springsteen cited Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis as influences, but then avowed that he did not know with which of the pair to equate himself most. (Once again, our illustration is randomly chosen in keeping with our new rules but turns out to be appropriate anyway.)

A Gander at Jasper; or, Jerry in the Rye

We were gone! Now we're back! Did you miss us? Where were we? None of your beeswax! Okay, we went to Atlanta to take a gander at Jasper, okay? He's awesomely adorable! We also ate in a restaurant. We looked upon the wise visage of Jasper, ate at a restaurant, and came back. It was fun! Upon our return, I found a message from a "blog" source who goes by the pseudonym "unemployed reporter" because she is an unemployed reporter. She told me that Jerry Lewis tried to get permission to make a movie of CATCHER IN THE RYE! So that was exciting news. According to the Levy book (so I must have known this before and forgotten it), he wanted to play Holden! Here's a quotation: "Salinger's sister told me if anyone would get it from him it would be me... He's nuts also. And that's the only reason that he's entertaining talking to me - because he likes nuts." So we ate at an old favorite restaurant in our old Atlanta neighborhood, Theresa and I did. They put photos of their regular customers on a wall in the back. I was fearful that our photo would have been taken down. We haven't been back in almost three years! But the people remembered us and welcomed us back warmly and the food was just as great as we remembered (I had guanciale!) and the picture was still up so I didn't have to fly into an insane rage and start raking photos of usurpers off the wall, which I was totally prepared to do. Thanks for making it feel like old times, La Tavola! See you again soon, Jasper! Go for it, Jerry!