McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy

Mark Osborne has McNeil thinking about Jerry Lewis. Why, McNeil asked himself, will McNeil willingly sit through the cloying sock puppets in THE ERRAND BOY, which for Osborne mark a point of no return? McNeil says it has to do with "the potential energy whenever Jerry is onscreen." Apparently Jerry's "potential energy" is strong enough to make McNeil watch movies that he has seen several times before, even the sock puppet sequence which he knows from experience no "potential energy" will be expended to save.

Jerry

EYE STRAIN ALERT! This "post," like the previous one, cries out for "paragraph breaks," which are beyond our facility. Speaking of that former "post," Mark Osborne (one of the subjects of it) writes in response: "Kimb and I have been slogging through the Jerry Lewis movies available on Netflix and I have to say I guess I don't have any idea how to watch a Jerry Lewis movie. I just keep getting mad at him. I keep imagining what he thought was going to happen when he started rolling and how what actually happened must have seemed worth it for a few minutes. I also try to imagining an audience filled with people who paid money to see these films smiling and enjoying their night out, but I can't quite picture it. We keep trying though. Any tips would be appreciated. We tried The Errand Boy (yipes! the sock puppets!) The Patsy (the premise was kinda the same, was he trying to perfect the formula?), The Disorderly Orderely (turned it off) and The Nutty Professor (Kimb laughed a lot, she used to have a crush on Buddy Love as a kid). That's it so far." Thanks, Mark! I will do my best to address your concerns. First let me say that McNeil - my fellow Jerry Lewis fan - feels the exact same way as the Osbornes about THE DISORDERLY ORDERLY. He finds it unwatchable. Me, I like it. I know I'm wrong. I like it when Jerry Lewis makes faces and flails around and talks funny. In one way, it's that simple. As for advice about how to watch him, I'll take a stab at it, but maybe it is impossible to come to Jerry Lewis on purpose. Maybe it requires happenstance and timing that cannot be replicated in a laboratory environment - I mean both personal timing (Kimb getting a crush on Buddy Love when she was a kid) as well as an epochal gulf of transient cultural norms that has produced what Jonathan Rosenbaum calls America's "irrational denial that [Lewis] was all that popular to begin with." David Thomson on the same subject: "To live in America is to experience the native incredulity at Lewis being taken seriously. Few things are held against the whole of France more fiercely than French love of Lewis." And most Shakespearean scholars agree that Hamlet was referring to Jerry Lewis's declining popularity when he described "that undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns." But I don't want to be fatalistic! So let's say that you should start with THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (too late for you, Mark, so this is general advice). Everyone who has a tiny bit of interest in American movie history should see that one, anyway. The scene near the end in which Professor Kelp can't stop himself from dancing at the student function... I could just run that on a loop and watch it all day. McNeil feels the same way about the scene in THE PATSY in which Lewis's character bombs onstage as a standup comic. I am more partial to the scene in which Stanley Belt (the "patsy" in question) lip-syncs a rock song on TV. But don't worry about THE PATSY. After THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, you may be excused from any further Lewis watching. But if you want to go forward of your own volition, I say try THE ERRAND BOY. Mark is right. The part with the sock puppet is just about unbearable. But this is a good test. Did you like the funny parts MORE than you hated the unfunny parts? If so, keep going. Maybe try a couple of the early pictures with Dean Martin. ARTISTS AND MODELS (which we watched with the Osbornes on the same visit when we went to see PINK FLAMINGOS; see the previous "post") has the bonus of featuring the adorable young Shirley MacClaine. But the number one thing you have to figure out is (I'll paraphrase myself) do you love the funny parts more than you hate the bad parts? If not, don't worry about it. JUST STOP WATCHING HIM! Well, another possible way "in" is to enjoy his fine late-career performances in films like Scorsese's THE KING OF COMEDY or Emir Kusturica's ARIZONA DREAM. The epilogue of the latter film, a touching, funny pas de deux with Johnny Depp, would make a good entry point, perhaps, for understanding the appeal of Jerry Lewis, even if you ultimately decide that you don't like him. I don't expect anyone to like him anymore! Not him OR my beloved Gilmore Girls! It's a free country! I guess one final way to watch Jerry Lewis is to appreciate failure of the grandest and maddest variety. When Thomson speaks of "matching the idiot with the idiotic American dream," he is referring - with manifest admiration and approval - to the Martin and Lewis film HOLLYWOOD OR BUST, but he may just as well have Lewis the man in mind. I mean, isn't any Jerry movie preferable, on some level, to the toothless proficiency of EVAN ALMIGHTY? See my deep thoughts on JACK THE GIANT KILLER vs. KEEPING THE FAITH, or better yet, the Robert Browning poem "Andrea del Sarto," which - like Hamlet - is based on the works of Jerry Lewis. (Pictured, Lauren Graham, star of EVAN ALMIGHTY and GILMORE GIRLS.)

Ring King Junior

Dr. "M." responds quickly to McNeil's request, providing a "link" with details on the 16.5 cubic feet of Krispy Kreme corporate documents she waded through at the Smithsonian, as well as a photograph (left) of the "Ring King Junior" itself.

Phil's Friend

Hey, look everybody, Phil's friend is in the New York Times today. I know you're all thinking the same thing: "Phil has a FRIEND?" Ha ha ha! No, seriously, folks. Phil is a nice and friendly man, not like the crank we make him out to be for "blogging" purposes. Sorry to spoil our carefully crafted illusion! "Click" here to see a former reference to Phil's aforementioned friend on the "blog." And "click" here to read more evidence about the fact that the "blog" is taking over the New York Times.

Holes

Dear Dr. "M.," McNeil would like to know more about your encounter with the donut machine in the Smithsonian. McNeil is curious! Speaking of round things with holes in the middle, I am bewildered that I have not received any outside communications regarding Mickey Rooney's invention of "The Weenie Whirl," mentioned here recently. Back in the olden times, Mr. Ward and I were astonished to discover that we shared vivid memories of an episode of the Johnny Carson Show on which Mr. Rooney came out and plugged his new product "Puppy Pop," a refreshing carbonated beverage for dogs. THE STAR MACHINE (the Jeanine Basinger book from which I extracted the Weenie Whirl information) explains how Mr. Rooney found himself needing to invent and sell these sorts of products, your Weenie Whirls, your Puppy Pops. It made me ashamed for giggling. Though Basinger does not refer to Puppy Pop in her text, she does mention Mr. Rooney's spray-on hair for bald men.

Correction of a Correction

A viewing last night has confirmed that there is NO AMPERSAND in the actual onscreen title of the 1969 Jerry Lewis film Hook, Line and Sinker. Repeat: NO AMPERSAND! The "blog" regrets the error, especially because we love ampersands so much. My ratty old edition of Maltin, with which my love-hate relationship is well known, employs the ampersand.

Cat Described Incorrectly

This one goes out to my sister: I think I did not describe the new cat with much accuracy during our recent phone conversation. Call tomorrow for better details.

The FBIL's Annotation Korner

Welcome to a thin and sad edition of The FBIL's Annotation Korner. "There's not even a wikipedia article on bomb pops," reports a stunned FBIL. He did find the official bomb pop web site, which, as the FBIL puts it, "features a listing of all the different bomb pop varieties, and a very informative penguin."

The Center for Advanced Donut Studies

Dr. "M." has some information to add about the experience of writing the definitive monograph on Krispy Kreme: Her research took her to the Smithsonian, where, as Dr. "M." reports, "they have the original donut (or doughnut) machine in storage. Sweet, no? (Pun intended.) I wanted to also say thank you for 'putting up' (not to be confused with canning) one of my favorite paintings," Dr. "M." goes on. "The other night I walked into a party and found that painting was the image on the hostess's coffeetable. I gasped, 'Hieronymous Bosch is your coffee table!'" Dr. "M.'s" communique here takes a turn into a third, equally lively subject, very much in the Larry King tradition we have been striving to foster. "Today is Country Music Day in my class," she writes, "and I could not resist bringing in a number of Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton songs. BUT I really could not resist bringing in Jeannie C. Reilly's (not to be confused with John C. Reilly) song HARPER VALLEY PTA. Remember the made for TV movie of the same name starring Barbara Eden?! I wish they would remake it." A brief editorial note, Dr. "M.": The film was a theatrical release, not a TV movie, but it was "remade," in a sense, as a sitcom, also starring Barbara Eden, a few years later. (Pictured, John C. Reilly.)

The People's TV Korner

We interrupt Dr. "M.'s" TV Korner to present this special edition by way of the old Soviet Union. Now that the pressures of churning out MGMIEET are behind McNeil, he spends his time gingerly leafing through back issues of Pravda. His most recent finding is Pravda's review of a Bob Hope TV special. Here's a representative snippet: "Now, by a directive from Washington, a television burlesque brought together the elderly clown Bob Hope... singer-businessman Frank Sinatra... and grey-haired notables from Capitol Hill. As Marx noted... the feeling of shame is the most revolutionary feeling. Is it not for that reason that shamelessness has now become a distinctive feature of rabid reactionaries...?" Between the ellipses there was some pretty rough stuff about Bob and Frank, too rough for the "blog's" tender hands. It is apparent that the Soviet Union shared "Blog" Buddy Whorton's opinion about Bob Hope's politics. As for McNeil, the show sounded great to him. We searched for a "link" to the entire article, but McNeil sent it by way of some special library feature, so you'll have to take our word about the rest.

You've Been Stanged... Again!

We haven't talked about Stang in awhile. But here's a perfect opportunity. Kent has "posted" another video. This one shows his trip to Sweden for the Stockholm Film Festival, which featured his movie Hannah Takes the Stairs. For "blog" purposes, the most fascinating part of the video is the fraction of a second in which the wary viewer may catch a sign that reads "STANGD." Of interest in a more general way is the seeming fact that a guy dressed like a shrimp creature from a Hieronymous Bosch painting walks around on the sidewalks of Stockholm like it's no big deal. Also, there is a shot of Kent's picture in a Swedish newspaper. Wow! Okay. You've been Stanged... again! (Pictured, a detail from a painting by Hieronymous Bosch, sadly sans shrimp creature. Or I'll tell you the truth: maybe he's in there somewhere. It's like "Where's Waldo"!)

Secret Qualifications of Dr. "M."

"I know that Dr. 'M.' has eaten breakfast in Hawaii," might think the dubious "blog" reader. "But how exactly is she qualified to tell me which butter substitute to use?" I'm glad you asked! If Dr. "M." is not thoroughly informed on the subject of food, why was SHE selected to write the article on Krispy Kreme donuts for vol. 7 of THE NEW ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SOUTHERN CULTURE (edited by "blog" friend and neighbor John T. Edge)? Ask yourself that! I thought long and hard about this and have decided that I am not "blowing" Dr. "M.'s" "cover," knowing that the "blog" readership is mostly made up of tired persons like myself who are disinclined to look things up. If we do look things up, it is on Wikipedia, and we're not sure they're true, so we have gradually learned to not care if something is true or not. But if you DO like truth and books for some reason, ask a loved one to use a piece of masking tape to cover up Dr. "M.'s" actual name so as not to compromise her identity. Thank you. In other food news, McNeil sends an email entitled "aspartame rocks!!!" (The three exclamation points are McNeil's.)

Something Else That Is Not Butter Also

As you know, from time to time our mysterious correspondent Dr. "M." will take off her TV critic hat and put on her food critic hat. It is in the latter capacity that she provides an addendum to McNeil's recent reflections on butter substitutes manufactured by former automotive tycoons: "I highly recommend a vegan organic whipped 'butter spread' known as Earth Balance," testifies Dr. "M." She describes the product as "unbelievably delicious." On a presumably unrelated topic, Dr. "M." goes on: "We had a clog in our sink today, and a plumber had to come over after the landlord worked on it for 2 hours. It took the plumber 15 minutes to unclog my drain, and it cost $225. Read what you will into that, but just know that he had to climb onto my roof to unclog the drain! Yes people, the roof!"

Lee Iacocca's Margarine

McNeil has been watching his health. He's so frail! Anyway, he has switched over to margarine, or something like it. He went to the store and surveyed all the products and finally settled on a butter substitute made by Lee Iacocca. Moreover, he chose it BECAUSE and ONLY because it is made by Lee Iacocca. "It's part olive oil and part motor oil," went McNeil's shrewd witticism on the subject. Oh, you don't believe that Lee Iacocca makes margarine? "Click" here, disbeliever! That reminds me of something I read recently in THE STAR MACHINE, a fascinating book by Jeanine Basinger. Here, I'll quote it: "[Mickey Rooney] invented a round hot dog with a hole in the middle so you could put it on a hamburger bun (the Weenie Whirl)." Okay, for you people who have never heard of Larry King's column, Mr. Spock, Mickey Rooney, or Lee Iacocca, please familiarize yourself with Mr. Iacocca by "clicking" here... on his "BLOG"!

King

There's not a lot that McNeil doesn't remember, but he doesn't remember Larry King's old newspaper column, to which I have alluded here a few times. It appeared in USA Today a long time ago. Back in the olden times, when Mr. Ward and I used to work in the same building, he would read portions of it out loud for laughs. But in this day of people who do not even remember Mr. Spock, for example, it occurs to me that I should explain the allusion. Larry King's old column went something like this: "Elvis Presley was a fine young singer... If there's anything wrong with Yul Brynner, I'd like someone to tell me what it is... You know what's great for children's parties? Balloons." The ellipses do not indicate that I have left something out. They were part of Larry King's style. While I am imitating rather than quoting, I assure you that I am not exaggerating. Let me nose around on the "internet" and see if I can find an actual example to "link" to. Well, sorry, folks, but I've been looking for way too long now and it appears that every trace of the actual column has been scoured clean from the "internet," though I did find this corroborative "spoof," and even better, a 10-acre corn maze in the shape of Larry King, which I present here for your pleasure.

One Year Ago In "Blog" History

One year ago today in "blog" history, on November 26, 2006, I hurt my finger. This has been One Year Ago In "Blog" History.

Perhaps a Kitten

Looks like we have a new cat. We did not go out looking for a cat. Was it Patrick Henry or Shakespeare who said, "Some people go out looking for cats, some have cats thrust upon them"? This cat is a young cat, technically still a kitten, perhaps, which fact sent us scurrying to our vast feline research library, where we found no helpful information on introducing a kitten to a couple of older cats. We did, however, run across a quotation - in UNDERSTANDING CATS by Roger Tabor - from one Harrison Weir, writing in 1889: Cats, observes Weir, "will rear other animals such as rats, rabbits, squirrels, puppies, hedgehogs; and, when motherly inclined, will take to almost anything, even to a young pigeon." It has almost nothing to do with the subject at hand but at least it seemed like something to "blog" about, or maybe the basis for a terrible Disney cartoon. Somebody get to work on it. (I find I am unable to work up the enthusiasm to look for a picture of a kitten with which to illustrate this "post." I do, however, have access to a video of our friend Kent's cat poking its head out of a paper bag. Enjoy!)

I'll Spare You

I thought about "blogging" on Donald Barthelme today but I didn't. I had some poignant thoughts about a brittle little mass market paperback beginning to fall apart, which I'll spare you. I might at least have the common courtesy to "link" to something about this new book you should buy. That was the upshot.

How About a Fair Shake for Bass Clarinets?

You know what instrument doesn't get the attention it deserves? Why, the bass clarinet of course. It has a nice sound and nobody cares. Next time you're writing a symphony blow everybody's minds by starting off with some bass clarinet. I feel like I'm doing Larry King's old column sometimes. And it feels so right.

One Year Ago In "Blog" History

Welcome to One Year Ago In "Blog" History, the great new "blog" feature where we tell you what we were "posting" one year ago in "blog" history. One year ago in "blog" history we did not "post" any "posts." Thank you. This has been One Year Ago In "Blog" History.