McNeil's Movie Korner

Who cares what Little Orphan Annie says? Tomorrow is "a drag, man, tomorrow is a king-sized bust," according to the beatnik in the clip of HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL ("click" here) thoughtfully provided by McNeil. McNeil also dug up a "blogger" on the "internet" who spent two years researching the obscure performer for a projected 15-part bio in "blog" "posts" - of which, as far as I can tell, only nine were ever "posted." Thank you! This has been another edition of "McNeil's Movie Korner." (See also.)

Norman Mailer Punch Party

Hey I was just at the City Grocery Bar and Chris Offutt told me about going to a party with Norman Mailer and at the end of the party Norman Mailer punched him hard in the chest and Chris Offutt said, "Why?" and Norman Mailer said, "You look like the only guy here who could take a punch." Also, Don Adams came up twice tonight! Chris Offutt mentioned his role as Maxwell Smart in the TV series GET SMART and later, independently, John Currence brought up the cartoon character Tennessee Tuxedo, voiced by Don Adams. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Classic Hogan

The Chicago Tribune has an article about "Blog" Buddy Kelly Hogan AND a review of her new record (pictured), which they call a "classic... works as both a career summing up and a fascinating introduction to one of the most accomplished, underappreciated vocalists of the last two decades." Yep! I was in John Brandon's car playing it for him on the old iPod and he kept yelling, "This is gonna be big! This is gonna be big!" I think that's what he was yelling. I had had a bunch of gin because I was on the way to the airport, so who knows? He had to yell because I kept turning it all the way up. Anyway I feel like we were having a swell time.

Reminiscent Saucer Intimations

I am also reading THE SUNDIAL by Shirley Jackson. I'm sure you recall my sound advice to have a small book and a large book going at all times. Today I was reading THE SUNDIAL and I thought, "This reminds me of Charles Portis." I was thinking particularly of MASTERS OF ATLANTIS. And then I thought, "I wonder if anyone has ever compared the works of Shirley Jackson and Charles Portis." Yeah, that's right, I think a lot of things you don't care about. I seem to recall that Jonathan Lethem, in his introduction to WE HAVE ALWAYS LIVED IN THE CASTLE, compares Jackson's narrator Merricat Blackwood to TRUE GRIT's Mattie Ross. As I was thinking all these interesting thoughts I turned the page and SUDDENLY there were intimations of flying saucers reminiscent of Mr. Portis's novel GRINGOS. Here's some dialogue: "Once that saucer with your name on it leaves, it's gone. And remember, they won't take you if you're wearing metal or been indulging in fancy wines." This leads another of Ms. Jackson's characters to respond: "I am sorry, but I am afraid that we will not be able to qualify for your space ship. I myself cannot do without my fancy wines."

Little Surprises of Bedtime Reading

So I started this massive LBJ book by Robert Caro (the most recent volume) just like I promised you. Only 72 pages in but I guess so far the indelible image is Bobby Kennedy sending a guy to the hospital by smashing a beer bottle over his head for no good reason. I'm not kidding! Did everybody know about this but me? And then he walks around law school accompanied by these "colossal dogs" that terrorize everybody. And oh yeah, he almost strangles a dude. Here's a quote: "Bobby would have killed him if we didn't pull him off."

In a Nice Way

You know I always like to alert you when the New York Times mentions Jerry Lewis. I let one slip by. They called Philip Roth, Vincent Gallo and Jerry "kindred maestros of self-loathing and self-absorption." But they meant it in a nice way! The young "indie filmmaker" being interviewed emulates these complicated fellows for the stated reason.

A Great Big Sunflower Glowing in the Dark

While at The End of All Music I also picked up the awesome Chris Connor LP WITCHCRAFT, the liner notes of which are freaky in a different way. Let's play a game! See if you can spot all the problems (of so many various kinds!) with this introductory sentence: "People who make a habit of listening to Chris Connor have come to remember her as a great big sunflower glowing in the dark of a usually smoky room as she idly picks up a lyric in one hand, makes it do a double flipflop in midair, and just as idly catches it in the other hand, the way the chefs did who used to stand in the windows of the Childs restaurant and made pancakes." Okay! Go!

The Forced Whimsy of Liner Notes

Very much enjoying this LP (DEAN "TEX" MARTIN COUNTRY STYLE) I just bought for a cool $4 from The End of All Music, the new record store in town, despite the forced whimsy of the liner notes, which conclude thusly: "So look out, pard. Better hide the chitlins and stash Ellie Mae. There's a paisano loose in your hills, wearing a Stetson, followed by a gang of guitar-plunkers in Sy Devore suits and Dodger baseball caps and headin' your way."

Helpful Transcription

Hi! I have spent two days figuring out how to (very poorly) upload cassettes of my old band with Jon Host (right, leaping) to my computer for convenient listening enjoyment. Was it worth all the time and effort? Here! I will transcribe the lyrics to one of our songs so you can be the judge: "Get one for free/ Get one for me/ Get one for free, my love/ Get one for free/ Get one for me/ Get one for free, my love/ Get one for free/ Hey, get one for me/ Get one for free, my love/ Hey, baby/ Get one for free/ I'm talkin' get one for me/ I'm sayin' get one for free, my love/ Get it/ Get it/ Get it/ Get it/ Get one for free, hey!/ Get one for me, hey!/ Get one for free, my love/ Get one for free/ Get one for me/ Yeah, oh God/ Get one for free my love."

Big Book For Big Boy

Going around checking my bookmarks like a guy checking lobster traps (does that simile really hold up? Oh, who cares?) I see that I have so far made it a scant 283 pages into SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH by Gershom Scholem (total 929 pages) and who are we kidding? I'm never going back to CHRISTIANITY: THE FIRST THREE THOUSAND YEARS by Diarmaid MacCulloch. That bookmark is stuck forever at page 635 of 1,016. See, what happens is I always start a big giant enormous important book and suddenly I have to start "teaching classes" again and I put it aside for when I have more time to "concentrate" on "my own reading." Ha ha, what a jerk. So now I have a little time and I guess I'm going to pick up this awful hurting brick called THE YEARS OF LYNDON JOHNSON: THE PASSAGE OF POWER. I think that's what it's called. I'm too tired to get up and look. So how am I going to read it? Great question! I remember when there was a documentary about some guy walking across the United States of America and my friend from Hubcap City liked to jest that somebody should make a documentary about HIM trying to read MOBY-DICK. That struck me as a magnificent idea and I kept saying things like "Let's do it!" and "Come on, let's do it!" and "Come on, let's really do it!" and "I borrowed a camera and I'm coming over on Saturday" until my friend patiently explained, "Sometimes it's more fun to talk about things than to do them." Now I get it.

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 8

That's right, kids! It's time for another edition of "Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner." Dig it! Mr. Ward just got back from President Kennedy's secret fallout shelter on Peanut Island and, as promised, he sent us some photos, along with this report: "The place was pretty small, yet was supposedly designed to house Kennedy, his family, and about 20 others. JFK actually went inside the bunker for a couple of dry runs. Two points of interest. They still had some of the cans of water that had been stored there in case of a nuclear attack. The cans were made of very thick lead to protect the water from radiation. However, it turns out that if they really had to drink the water everyone in the bunker probably would've gone crazy from lead poisoning in pretty short order. Also, the cardboard barrel you see is what they were supposed to use for sanitation. It comes with a toilet seat you put on top and is filled with a plastic bag and chemicals. They had four of them. I can't imagine Jackie Kennedy being too cool with that."

Unflappability

I like this part of Nicholas Katzenbach's obituary in the New York Times: "His unflappability was on display early on, when as a bomber’s navigator in World War II he heard the bombardier announce over the intercom that the plane was on fire. 'That’s too bad,' Mr. Katzenbach replied."

Escape to Peanut Island

As requested, Mr. Ward sent some precious "Goober Memories" yet even though they include an exciting incident of Thelma Lou freaking out I have decided I don't care about that anymore. What I do care about is Mr. Ward's postscript, which follows: "And speaking of goobers (sorry, but it really is a great segue) I'm in Florida right now preparing to do a shoot on Peanut Island. What is Peanut Island you ask? Well, it's a tiny manmade island off the coast of West Palm Beach where they built a top secret fallout shelter for JFK in 1961... The entrance looks kind of like the hatch in 'Lost.' I'll send you some pictures for your blog."

Goober Died

Goober died. McNeil sent me an email that said "GOOBER" followed by six exclamation points. I will ask Mr. Ward for some Goober memories because as you recall Mr. Ward once drove Goober around in a car.

Cool Whip Executive

On tonight's episode of MAD MEN, Rory from GILMORE GIRLS played a woman who fears hobos. But that's not all! Then Mr. Belding from SAVED BY THE BELL had a cameo as a Cool Whip executive. So obviously this was a big night for me.

What Else Happened Last Night

I think I promised to take care of a goldfish... permanently! (Not to "whack" it or "put out a hit" on it, the way that sounded, but to feed it and protect it and tend to it and make small talk with it for the rest of its natural life.) And I walked away with a coaster with Rachel's face on it, which she had manufactured in a spirit of irony I suppose, but now it is just a weird souvenir stripped of irony. Ironically, that's what happens to irony.

Pizza Reading

You know I don't usually care for "readings" but tonight all the graduating MFA students read and it was pretty okay. Everybody was really good and then SKIN MAG read probably the second-best poems I have ever heard about TEEN WOLF and SEINFELD. Afterward there was pizza.

Earth Squirrel Wins

"Look, I'm busy," you say. "I don't have all day to sit around reading every 'post' you ever wrote about corn. I'm no purist! I'm just a guy or gal on the go and the pressures of my job are enormous. If I could read just one thing you 'blogged' about corn, what would it be?" First of all, let me say that is the trouble with this modern world! But okay. I suppose the third runner-up would be my discovery of the curious predominance of corn flakes in the index of Hal Needham's autobiography. And then of course no one can deny the excitement of reading about the corn they eat on Venus and Mars! What could possibly top that? No, not the erotic celebrity kernel-flinging of the glamorous Julie Christie. Sure, that is a good guess, but not everything is about action and thrills and eating corn in outer space with big Hollywood movie stars all the time! It may surprise you to learn that we have to "come back down to earth" - ha ha! - to enjoy the simple pleasures of the time Dr. "M." saw a squirrel eating corn on the cob. No sir, it just doesn't get any better than that. Now there's something to ponder while you sit in your skyscrapers worrying about your briefcases at your big business meetings: that adorable little squirrel just nibbling away without a care in the world! I wonder about the last time that cheeky little fellow had to put on a fancy "necktie" and meet someone in a conference room. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my. Although the other day a particularly wiry and patchy squirrel came right up the front walk and onto the porch with disquieting urgency of purpose and leapt onto the screen door and glared at me malevolently with a large, black acorn jammed into its mouth and that wasn't adorable. It was ominous and terrifying. I looked into its eyes and the abyss stared back.

And the Greatest of These Was Corn

I just read all my "posts" about corn. They were lively and informative. It was like reading a searing psychological novel and the main character was corn.

Cat Astrology Blurb

Hey I was just examining the blurb on that cat astrology book. Somebody has to! It says, "'YOUR CAT'S SUN SIGN AND HOW YOU TWO CAN BEST RELATE' - COSMOPOLITAN." That's not really a blurb. It reminds me of my other favorite, "The book was received and has been reviewed by our Book Selection Department."

A Piercing

Hey I put MILDRED PIERCE back on my ol' recommendation shelf yesterday and by coincidence I find Laura Lippman and Megan Abbott chatting about MILDRED PIERCE over there on Laura's "blog." Check it out!

My Dad Agrees With Werner Herzog

Come to think of it, my dad agrees with Werner Herzog. The last time he visited we were walking down the street and my dad said, "I always say somebody who eats chicken and crabs will eat anything."

Sizzling Celebrity Gossip

Welcome once again to "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip" - your one stop on the "internet" for gossip about celebrities that is of the sizzling variety that crackles and sizzles so much! THIS JUST IN! A frantic phone message from our correspondent McNeil: "WHERE ARE YOU? Jerry Lewis has a twitter account. All solid one-liners. 'Roscoe is the least common name for a panda.'" Our "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip" editorial staff visited the site at once, of course, hoping for some sizzling celebrity gossip. And boy did we find it! "Try prying a shrimp cocktail from Olivia De Havilland. Can't be done." THIS IS HOT STUFF! There's a small glitch: it's obviously a fake Jerry Lewis with a fake twitter account. How can I tell? Jerry would never choose that picture of himself! BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE GOSSIP ISN'T REAL. Real gossip by its nature is probably fake and that is the great thing about gossip. Kelly Hogan recently got us excited about a FRASIER reunion but it turned out to be fake David Hyde Pierce tweeting to fake Kelsey Grammer. Here's the clue: THEY USED TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS. The real Frasier would never end a sentence with three exclamation points. But sometimes it's fun to pretend! Speaking of twitter I think it is okay to say that singing sensation Neko Case had oatmeal for dinner last night. She put it on her twitter right there in public for the world to see. OATMEAL! IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER. THIS JUST IN! Werner Herzog may have a complicated relationship with turkeys but he positively hates chickens. Herzog is quoted in MAGIC HOURS, the new book by Tom Bissell: "Look into the eyes of a chicken and you will see real stupidity. It is a kind of bottomless stupidity, a fiendish stupidity. They are the most horrifying, cannibalistic and nightmarish creatures in the world." Hey chicken lovers, send your letters to Werner Herzog, not "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip." We're just reporting the facts! And the gossip! In conclusion, WERNER HERZOG REALLY HATES CHICKENS! THIS JUST IN! Last night I couldn't sleep and I saw part of a live-action movie about MR. MAGOO. Malcolm McDowell was in it which should have been a little bit surprising but wasn't. Mr. Magoo was masquerading as an assassin. This is not an activity I associate with Mr. Magoo! And he seemed to have very little trouble with his eyesight in the portion I watched. What is going on? DOES EACH GENERATION GET THE MR. MAGOO IT DESERVES?

Larry King is No Fool

Now Larry King is on twitter saying "The Bananna is the perfectly named fruit." Yes, he spelled banana wrong. But he knows just what he's doing. Larry King is beyond good and evil now. His last few tweets are like something from a dangerous robot gaining sentience or an alien virus that has learned to take on human form. DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HIS EYES.

Oh You!

I was just reading in the New York Times today that there is a Rachmaninov song called "Oh You, My Corn Field!" (exclamation point Rachmaninov's) but I guess that isn't too funny or interesting and of course the guy is emotional about his corn field, why wouldn't he be? Let's pretend we never discussed it.

No Kudos for Kudos

Larry King's latest twitter thing says, "Kudos to the inventor of the straw." At first I liked it but after one moment's reflection I thought sadly, "He's trying too hard to be Larry King."

A Gourmand of Adulation

Did you miss me? What? You didn't even notice I was gone? Okay! That hurts. I went to Baltimore to read my story "Sex Devil" to an auditorium full of teenage boys at a prep school, I guess you call it. John Brandon set the whole thing up and it was great to get to hang out with him again. And let me say that if you ever want to read my story "Sex Devil" out loud, an auditorium full of teenage boys turns out to be the best place to do it. As usual, I jotted down a few things that happened to me on my little trip and I hope you will find them entertaining. 1) You know I don't like to fly. But the flight attendant on the first plane I took made me feel better. As he was making his announcements over the loudspeaker he said of the pilot and co-pilot, "They're going to fly this tube like they stole it and land it like they own it." His confidence cheered me up! Overpriced gin at the airport bar also helped a lot. 2) On the airplane I read passages from a book called NEW YORK DIARIES: 1609-2009, which consisted of excerpts from New York City diaries from 1609-2009. One guy called Andrew Jackson "a gourmand of adulation." I thought that was pretty good. Dawn Powell had some nice things to say about MAD magazine in her diary. She seemed to be a big fan, which I never would have guessed. She said it was good that they underpaid their writers to keep them "bitter and irreverent." She said a lot more stuff about MAD magazine but too bad I accidentally left the book on the airplane when I got to Baltimore so I can't tell you what they were. Nor can I be too specific about the diarist who went to George Washington's inauguration and was so disappointed and whining about George Washington's stupid hand gestures, which the diarist hated. He also made fun of John Adams for seeming to forget what he was going to say and just standing there gawking at George Washington. This guy was full of complaints about Washington's inauguration, that's how I remember it, but I lost the book. 3) As we strolled around the grounds of the prep school, John Brandon said, "Look at these foggy, wistful athletic fields." 4) John took me to a nice restaurant which was perversely serving as an appetizer special a duck egg in which a baby duck had begun to form! Egads! We did not order it. "One guy got a couple of feathers," our server said encouragingly.

Rump Statement Worrisome

I immediately started worrying about this statement from my copy of THE BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS by Richard Despard Estes: "Fighting hyraxes defend themselves by presenting their rumps." What kind of defense is that, hyraxes? That might be fine if you are trying to fight another hyrax who is also presenting his rump, but gee it seems like a bad strategy if some other manner of creature is after you. "Hyraxes have many predators, including snakes, eagles, owls, jackals, and cats from servals up to lions; even mongooses may take babies." I am sorry to be a downer! And how do hyraxes defend themselves? By "growling and gnashing their teeth at dogs from the safety of a cranny." Yeah, that's great until it's time to come out of the cranny. "Since their clawless feet are also useless for digging, hyraxes are utterly dependent on natural cavities." Oh it just gets worse and worse. And they're not good at hiding! At least that's the way it seems to me. They "urinate on vertical rock faces; crystallized calcium carbonate in the urine makes a highly visible white stain that advertises colony sites." Why not just put up a sign? Man, I am worried about these hyraxes. On the other hand, I am excited, because in case you didn't notice, THE BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS can go on our big thrilling list of books with owls in them. But come on hyraxes, get it together.

Hyraxes in Early Morn

I looked up hyraxes in my BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS because what else am I going to do with my life? I learned a few things, such as "Hyraxes move in a creeping walk and are especially sluggish in early morn... They need an hour or 2 to warm up before becoming active..." Sounds familiar! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my. Also, "Hyraxes defend themselves by presenting their rumps... Fighting hyraxes back into each other..." I like the vocabulary of my BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS, words like "rump" and "morn." Finally, I like the last line in that article about hyraxes I told you about earlier. A scientist says, "They're pretty well liked, even when they're hated." Hyrax!

Hyrax!

I just read in the New York Times about the hyrax, which looks like a rabbit, has toes and tusks like an elephant, and sings. Hey everybody. Check out the hyrax.

Back in the Saddle Again

Got my copy of the new McSweeney's (issue #40) in the mail yesterday. In fact it arrived mysteriously on the front porch in the middle of the night! I have a little piece in there which is secretly an excerpt from Chapter 10 of my cat book. You're the only one who knows! Speaking of which, I am currently reading an advance copy of Ace Atkins's latest novel, THE LOST ONES. Just ran across this sentence: "There was a little corral down next to the Scrambler, where they set monkeys on the backs of dogs and let them race." In case you forgot, my cat book also contains an allusion to monkeys riding around on the backs of dogs! So I have that going for me. (This illustration cribbed from Brian Z. [he found it in a Chicago train station] represents just one of the many reasons my fake cat book will never be published: the kind of irony-free experience that renders fiction such as mine pale and obsolete. Coincidentally, it is - as you can see - written by "MARY DANIELS author of MORRIS," a cat with whom Ace has some personal experience.)

Pineapple Owl Cookie

Here is a New York Times article that has an owl in it and also contains this enjoyable sentence: "By that point the pineapple had 'lost all human traits,' said Geoffrey Cowling, 13, so eating it did not seem so bad." Less enjoyable is Frank Langella's description of himself and some romantically inclined friends - quoted in tomorrow's New York Times Book Review - as a "pulsating Oreo cookie."

Tony Orlando Outer Space Death Quote

As Ben Greenman has noted over there on the twitter, Tony Orlando had this to say about a recent celebrity demise: "Only God has been responsible for making more stars than Dick Clark." It reminds me of the outer space thing Tony Orlando said about Bob Hope that time. All right. Goodbye! Goodbye forever.

Pardon Me, Your Majesty

Say, do you have one of those "iTunes" everybody is talking about? You should know that the Kelly Hogan song I wrote "with" Andrew Bird ("We Can't Have Nice Things") has just come out as a single, available for purchase. What's that you say? You're sick of me yammering on and on about this? WELL PARDON ME YOUR MAJESTY! Just purchase it and shut up. It's $1.29, what, it's going to kill you?

Elementary School Noir

Watched three Val Lewton movies over the weekend, including my favorite, CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE. Look at this shot. It's like elementary school noir! But so is the whole movie. Nabbed it from a site that examines all of Lewton's movies, plus the one below from THE 7th VICTIM, my other favorite. Watch them all today! You could. They're only about 70 minutes apiece.

Elevator Bones

In that Shirley Jackson bio it says that she told an interviewer about the ghost in her attic and boasted of her magical powers: "my most interesting case so far is a young woman who offended me and who subsequently fell down an elevator shaft and broke all the bones in her body, except one and I didn't know that was there." Her interviews made her feel funny when she saw them in the paper and eventually she stopped saying stuff like that.

Taper-Witted

I used to "blog" all the time but now I only "blog" almost all the time. Yeah, so, I was in Square Books yesterday and I glanced at a blurb on the back of a Muriel Spark novel and I thought it referred to her as "taper-witted" but I had misread it and it said "rapier-witted." After I put the book down, still not realizing my mistake, I stood there and pondered what "taper-witted" might mean. It seemed more like an insult than anything, but I knew it couldn't be an insult, not printed on the back of a book like that, so I tried to rationalize how "taper-witted" might be interpreted as praise. Finally I looked again and it was "rapier-witted" which is a terrible old meaningless cliché - is that why my brain refused to accept it? Man is this dull. I feel sorry for you. But this is what a "blog" is! Nobody forced you to read "blogs." I was also flipping through the book NO HEROES by my pal Chris Offutt and everything in it seemed so good I kind of thought I ought to buy it, but here's what clinched it, brother: I came across a chapter entitled "Burying an Owl." And then there was this sentence: "Owls are so much like humans that we are afraid of them." And you know the rest. Maybe I should mention that Chris is casually holding a possum under his arm on the cover and that automatically became my new standard for author photos, yeah, maybe I would have bought that Muriel Spark book if only she had appeared on the cover holding a possum under her arm as she was wont to do.

In the Bag

Just picked some lottery numbers for McNeil. I feel pretty good about this!

Something on the "Blog" Reminds Me of the "Blog"

That still from TWIN PEAKS I "posted" yesterday reminds me that everyone who covers a Beach Boys song on the internet does so in a David Lynch-inspired "family room" as I have pointed out before. I'll "repost" one of my favorites below. It didn't seem especially Lynchian to me until yesterday when I rewatched the episode in which Donna's little sister reads a poem about Laura Palmer while her even littler sister dressed as a princess or something plays an ominous accompaniment on the piano in the background. (Please "click" here for my original annotations. I know you won't!)

So Much Learning

I watched TWIN PEAKS all day on Easter and I thought that was kind of weird but then I watched the "making of" documentary and learned that the pilot FIRST AIRED ON EASTER! Wow! Aren't you glad you read "blogs"? I also learned that Queen Elizabeth (the current one, of course) watched TWIN PEAKS - once she was upstairs at her castle watching it while Paul McCartney was downstairs playing a concert for her birthday and she didn't even care - and then I learned a third thing but I can't remember what it was.

Successfully Creepy Goo

There's a good part in this ghost story by Oliver Onions when a guy is sitting alone in his cozy apartment and he starts to hear a "soft and repeated noise - the long sweep with the almost inaudible crackle in it... The silky rustle came again; he was trying to attach it to something..." Anyway, it turns out to be "the sound of a woman brushing her hair." Scary! I learn from the introduction to this collection that Mr. Onions was born George Oliver Onions "and, although proud of his unusual name, he was taunted at school because of it. In 1918 he changed it to George Oliver, partly to please his wife, who found it distasteful... However, by this time he had established himself as a successful author and so he continued to publish his work under the name of Oliver Onions." What I really like is that his initials were GOO.

Bloomy Bricks and Butter Tooth

I'm teaching a ghost class in the fall so yesterday I was reading an old ghost story by Oliver Onions, who has the best name for an old ghost story writer of old ghost stories. Mr. Onions used the adjective "bloomy" and I wanted to look it up. And I thought, "I know which dictionary will have bloomy in it: WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION from 1974." So I opened it up and looked up bloomy and yes bloomy means exactly what you think bloomy means and I was only confused because Mr. Onions applied it to bricks and I had to sit and think a minute about what kind of bricks "bloomy bricks" might be but sitting and thinking a minute never hurt anybody. While looking up "bloomy" I accidentally ran across "butter tooth," which WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION from 1974 defines as "a broad front tooth."

McNeil's Rest Stop Ramblings

Remember when McNeil took a trip in 2009 and we had a little feature called "McNeil's Rest Stop Ramblings" where McNeil would stop at a rest stop and ramble? Well, McNeil is on another trip now. The family stopped at a hotel at 11 at night, and their room had not been cleaned since housing its previous guests. McNeil reports: "So I went down to the desk and the guy says 'So what do you need? Sheets?'" As you can see from the photo above, McNeil was also incensed that there were two pictures hanging in the room and they were both the same picture.

Nutty

I see in the paper that Rupert Holmes is writing the book and lyrics for the musical version of THE NUTTY PROFESSOR that Jerry Lewis is directing. That reminds me that Rupert Holmes wrote the novel WHERE THE TRUTH LIES. I didn't read it, but I saw the movie, and in the movie some characters an awful lot like Dean and Jerry get involved in some pretty dark shenanigans, yes sir. There's a dead body, for example. (See also, maybe, Megan Abbott's THE SONG IS YOU.) So I wonder if that ever came up in conversation! I wouldn't want to be the one to bring it up to Jerry. Kevin Bacon plays the "Jerry" character in the movie and perhaps that's the greatest tragedy of all. Nothing against Kevin Bacon.

Corn Fact of the Day

Thing I just learned from this James Brown bio: "He loved cream corn."

This is a "Blog"

McNeil found a box of paperbacks that had belonged to his grandfather. "New blog feature?" he inquired, thinking to send me a different cover every day from his grandpa's old box of books. "That's the dullest idea I have ever heard," I replied. "Let's do it."

Either Way Is Good

Carrie mentioned a MURDER SHE WROTE episode called "Corned Beef and Cabbage" on facebook and I tried to "like" it (you know how you "like" things on facebook?) but facebook said "This object cannot be liked." Ha ha! This object cannot be liked. A portentous phrase! Something to think about. Who is facebook to tell me what I can "like"? Turned out it didn't exist and that's why I couldn't "like" it. Carrie had deleted it because she got the title wrong. It was "Corned Beef and Carnage."

Celebrity Apple Disagreement

I have really slowed down on "blogging." Spending a lot of time brooding about a disagreement Larry King and his wife are having over which kind of apple is best. I read about it on twitter.

A Piece of Glass, a Redwood Tree

So Kelly Hogan put the funky theme song to the kids show VEGETABLE SOUP on her twitter the other day ("click" here to hear it). And that made me think of this other show I used to watch as a kid. It was called MAKE A WISH, and as you can discover by "clicking" here, the host, constantly checking his guitar frets, advises in the opening theme, "a piece of glass, a redwood tree, anything you wanna be, that's what you're gonna be!" That's really the way we thought then. And just to prove his point, he flies away! (See also.) And now I am remembering how another calm, psychedelic kids show theme ("click" here) freaked me out a little bit with its insistence that "the world's a big blue marble when you see it from out there." OUT WHERE? WHERE AM I? THE ENDLESS ABYSS? And then kids are knocking a marble around. Hey, that's the EARTH! It's NOTHING! It could just disappear at any moment! Or some smaller planet could crash into it and knock it out of the solar system! Like a marble! Which was not the point at all. Speaking of no point, I know you are not "clicking" on these "links" and I forgive you. "Blogspot" has now given me the capability to see how many times people have "clicked" on any particular "link" and NO ONE HAS EVER LOOKED AT THIS "POST" about how President William McKinley used to throw a napkin over his wife's face whenever she had a seizure at a state dinner! For shame!

Something I Guess I Never Knew

I guess I never knew that James Brown performed "Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)" at NIXON'S INAUGURATION. Followed by a set from Dinah Shore.

Nerve Control Technique

Here, from the James Brown bio by RJ Smith, is James Brown explaining how to do a dance step called "the James Brown": "Combine the applejack, the dolo, which is a slide, almost like the skate, and the scallyhop, which is a takeoff on the lindy hop, add a nerve control technique that makes the whole body tremble, and you got the James Brown." In other book news, I am happy to say that Megan Abbott has a new book coming out in July. It's called DARE ME, and not only is it a new book, but it is a new book with an owl in it! According to this advanced reading copy (yes, government, I got it for free) "a screech owl burst from behind the water tank." This promises to be Megan's best book yet, with the most owls.

Chock Full o' Owls

Great book conference with Maud Newton & gang! I was at a poetry reading and heard this: "the owl hunts blood among the fir trees" and naturally I got excited. Pretty soon another owl popped up! So many owls. It was then that I knew DREAM CABINET by Ann Fisher-Wirth was my favorite thing: a book with an owl in it. Maud's friend Carrie came down from North Carolina to watch us be on an exciting panel together. Carrie is an editor at THE AWL and I fell in love with her when she pulled a big, clunky biography of Shirley Jackson (whose HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE has an owl in it) out of her handbag. I got to introduce her to my colleague Joan Hall, who wrote a book about Shirley Jackson! Once I ran into Joan Hall on campus during a book sale some organization was having. I saw a Hamlin Garland book that would set me back $1.50 but I didn't have any cash. Now, Hamlin Garland is somebody I know about because of Dr. Theresa's interest in him. She admires his regionalist stuff. But somewhere along the way I found out he was also a fan of ghosts! The book I wanted was called FORTY YEARS OF PSYCHIC RESEARCH. Wow! Joan Hall loaned me two dollars so I could buy it. She's the greatest! Everybody is the greatest. PS I had drinks at City Grocery Bar tonight with my MFA student Jimmy who has mono. He wrote a paper comparing BELOVED to THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE and when he presented it, some professor in the audience (from Iowa, Jimmy thinks) asked why he had compared Toni Morrison to "trash literature"! Jimmy didn't know what to say. "I thought it was real good," he remembers as his response.

Local Lad Makes Splash in "Talkies"

From a newspaper in 1965: "'James Brown is going to turn himself into a woman' was the rumor that was circulating as late as last week among the teenagers, and now it has spread among the adults." That's from the James Brown bio that I borrowed from Michael Bible. But guess what? Now he will never get it back. MICHAEL SUDDENLY MOVED OUT OF TOWN! He got a job in the moving pictures out there in Hollywood, U.S.A. For real! And that's great but I used to organize my whole day around walking up to Square Books and bothering him while he worked.

Bob Hope and James Brown and Something Terrible, Sorry

Hey so I'm reading this fascinating bio of James Brown, THE ONE by RJ Smith, and I find out something I never would have guessed in a million years: that James Brown and Bob Hope performed together on a double bill. WHAT? I feel I should mention this passage also reveals that James Brown hit Tammi Terrell with a hammer. How terrible! I never like to mention awful things on this "blog," but it doesn't seem fair or honest of me to toss out the "cute tidbit" I gleaned without mentioning just one of the truly horrific things in the same couple of paragraphs. Bob Hope was quite taken with Tammi Terrell (who was in Brown's band at the time) and asked her to go on a USO tour with him, which did not "[sit] well with Brown."

Next Stop Pluto

Yeah I don't know why I haven't been "blogging" as much lately. Maybe because I keep listening to this crazy, nearly eleven-minute (!) Frank Sinatra song where he fantasizes about flying to outer space and visiting all the planets in the first person AS Frank Sinatra (the first lyric he sings is "My name is Francis Albert" and the background singers helpfully echo, "Francis Albert Sinatra"), and which contains the line "Next stop Pluto, where the devil dwells" (!) and then there's some maniacal devil laughter but I don't think I'm ready to talk about this yet.

News Roundup

Here's a headline I saw in the New York Times today: "Squashed Eyeballs Are a Danger for Astronauts." Now called me old-fashioned but gosh darn it I say that squashed eyeballs are a danger for everybody! I sent Ben Greenman that headline because he likes headlines, and to no one's surprise he had already read an article on the subject some time back, which included the information, says Mr. Greenman, that "prolonged space time also distends your brain. YOUR BRAIN!" So watch out. On the plus side, the article indicates that getting your eyes squashed in space may cure certain cases of nearsightedness. No kidding! Read it. And consult your physician to see if getting your eyes squashed in space is right for you! Side effects may include distended brain and dying in outer space. Ruth Buzzi retweeted an item from a Buffalo, NY, news service, which I found charming for its laconic prioritizing: "It's 73 degrees in Buffalo which set a new record high temperature for this date. Also, a gorilla escaped from the zoo earlier." Finally, this week's LAFA SHOPPER contains a column called "Thoughts On Wind" in which the columnist lists her thoughts on wind.

There's a Smell in Larry King's House

Larry King is tweeting again! There's a smell in his house.

The Jack Carson Safety Video You've Been Waiting For

Took some cold medicine and watched the Jerry Lewis remake of THE JAZZ SINGER yesterday but I can't talk about it because I swore to Phil I wouldn't until he got a chance to watch it too. Phil did send me a driver safety video starring Jack Carson. I'll understand if you don't "click" here. Yeah, there's just not much to it.

Hep to the Tragic Flea

Thanks to Kelly Hogan I am listening to a song about a flea who falls in love with a clown who is also a flea and then when the first flea dies the clown flea opens up her grave and gets in there with her - oh no! - just like - SPOILER ALERT! - Heathcliff and Cathy in WUTHERING HEIGHTS. Yeah, that's a real song, all right. Hogan and Mike Bulington were listening to it the other day and agreed I should "get hepped to it," to use Hogan's phrase. PS When Jon Langford was in town he saw my recommendation shelf and kept singing the chorus of the Kate Bush song "Wuthering Heights" in a high, quavering "Kate Bush" voice, just to drive me crazy, I think. It went like this: "Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering HEIGHTS!" Over and over.

National Holiday

"Did you hang up your stocking?" Kelly Hogan writes to ask me. Because it's Jerry Lewis's birthday! The New York Times tells me that Jerry will be celebrating with a Q&A at the Friars Club tonight. Wish I could be there, Jerry! Call me back!

Kerouac Googles

Went on a little business trip and took along my neglected copy of DR. SAX. You will certainly recall (by "clicking" here - do it!) Roy Blount Jr.'s discovery that Mark Twain used the word "googling." Let me now tell you that Jack Kerouac uses the word "google," and like Twain he does it onomatopoetically (I guess): "Jean Fourchette the idiot came stompin by with his firecrackers and google giggled in the late sun afternoon streets..." I know you don't care but I am telling you anyway. On my trip I happened to take the exit to Burke's new town, and I wished I had his phone number, but why? So I could say, "Hi, Burke, I am in your town but I am leaving immediately after I get some gas"? I walked into a McDonald's there and everyone seemed so sad! There was such sadness in the McDonald's that I turned around and walked out. I think I just caught everybody at a bad time!

A Picture With a Unicorn and Donuts

Here is a picture combining unicorns and donuts! You probably already saw it on the gawker but what am I supposed to do? It's in my wheelhouse. They lobbed it over the plate and I had to take a swing. My favorite thing is the guy saying "Marvelis."

Commotion Notion

Hey, you know what else THE BALLAD OF THE SAD CAFE reminds me of? That's right! Jerry Lewis. But what doesn't remind me of Jerry Lewis? Of the impish Cousin Lymon, McCullers writes, "When he walked into the room there was always a quick feeling of tension, because with this busybody about there was never any telling what might descend on you, or what might suddenly be brought to happen in the room. People are never so free with themselves and so recklessly glad as when there is some possibility of commotion or calamity ahead." For further insight, reacquaint yourself with McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy.

Literary Matters

I see by the old clock on the wall that it is time once again for "Literary Matters." Literary matters are awful and everyone hates them but these are few and short and it will all be over before you know it. 1) Checked out my recommendation shelf at Square Books yesterday. It has sold its 50th book! THE BLOODY CHAMBER by Angela Carter, in case you're interested. You're not. 2) I can't prove this but I have come to the conclusion that THE BALLAD OF THE SAD CAFE by Carson McCullers was directly influenced by KRAZY KAT. Who cares? 3) Maud Newton is coming to town! She and Anya Groner and Michael Bible and I will all be on a panel at this year's Oxford Conference for the Book, March 22-24. I'm not sure what they ended up calling our panel but my suggestion was "Yakkin' it Up: Internet Style!"

This Works

"Click" here to hear the song "We Can't Have Nice Things" I cowrote with Andrew Bird for Kelly Hogan's soon-to-be-released album I LIKE TO KEEP MYSELF IN PAIN. That's also the name of the album! Ha ha ha!

My Stream Isn't Streaming But Maybe Yours Is

Mark Childress alerts me that the song I wrote with Andrew Bird for Kelly Hogan's forthcoming incredible album I LIKE TO KEEP MYSELF IN PAIN is now "streaming" on the "internet." But when I "click" this "link" I see the word STREAM but no streaming will commence no matter what I do. Maybe you will be luckier or know more about the "internet" and "clicking on" things than I do. Anyway, I'm excited! Even if it doesn't "stream" you can read about all the people who, mesmerized by Kelly's mesmerizing voice, contributed brand new songs especially for her... and especially for you!

A Struggling Salesman of Pencil Sharpeners

Things I enjoyed learning from this article in the New York Times: Edgar Rice Burroughs was "a struggling salesman of pencil sharpeners" when he decided to become a writer. He read adventure magazines and said (actual quote), "I could write stories just as rotten." And he did! This I admire. Later, he and L. Frank Baum of "Wizard of Oz" fame were neighbors. Baum called his place "Ozcot" and Burroughs - creator of Tarzan - called his "Tarzana." Ha ha! All right! I love it.

Grandpa's Big Weekend

Last night I went over to Dent May's house to see Grimes (pictured) play. I had never been over there before and, I don't know, I pictured people scrunched up together in a living room with the furniture pushed back against the wall, but you go down this dark country road and suddenly there's a sprawling compound, no kidding, and Dent's house includes a cavernous room with a nice stage and huge dance floor and I sat on a couch in the corner like a creepy old weirdo as scores and scores (literally!) of young people flooded in. Dent kindly ushered me into a secret room ("The McConaughey Lounge") wherein I thank goodness found Michael Bible who walked around with me thereafter and conferred upon me an air of legitimacy so that no Grimes fan felt threatened by my wizened and stooped figure sulking there alone in the darkness rubbing my hands together. The furnishings were delightfully INLAND EMPIRE and one of Michael's friends expressed surprise that I was drinking out of a pink Solo cup imprinted with a camo motif, but I have never been to Dent's house before and I was not surprised by that so I am not sure where the surprise came from. Dent's house seems like a great place to hear music - it felt like to me maybe the best place in Oxford to hear music - but it was 11:30 and the opening band had not started yet and both toilets were stopped up so I - unlike the youngsters, so rightly undeterred - went home and never saw Grimes, well, I didn't see her play, but I saw her loading in heavy pieces of equipment with her fragile-looking limbs that I feared might break.

Correction

Dr. Theresa reminds me that despite previous reports I did play my accordion three or four years ago at the home of Tom Franklin. The "blog" regrets the error.

Dusty Accordion Thrills

Dig this crazy action shot as I lay down some blistering accordion riffs. That's right! I got to play two songs with Jon Langford last night. It was fun! Right there onstage was the first time I'd opened the accordion case since we moved here almost five years ago - I thought it was going to be like the end of KISS ME DEADLY, ha ha, that's one for you film buffs, gee I hate myself. The first song went great because it had two chords - and bongo-banging Barry B. and I had once played it with Jon under our stage names "The Wizard and the Elf" - but the second one had three chords - THREE! - and I was in some trouble. I hit the wall! But I bluffed my way through. Afterward I was covered in some strange accordion dust, sort of rusty and crumbly, and I think something came out of the accordion and bit me. Jon was just terrific and it was great to see him. Photo by my neighbor Mr. Lonesome, who brought sweet mandolin goodness as the opening act.

The Subject Was Donuts

Dinner last night with Dr. Theresa, Melissa Ginsburg, Bess Reed-Currence, and Jon Langford. OF HIS OWN VOLITION, with absolutely no prompting from me, Jon brought up his childhood love of Bob Hope movies (causing me to recall that I once watched a Bob Hope movie with another Mekon, Sally Timms - and their album OOOH has a song on it entitled "Bob Hope and Charity." Surely this is a subject for further study!). Jon also claimed that a Krispy Kreme brand donut left on a wooden table overnight cannot be pried from the surface by any means. He did, however, recommend Tony's Donuts in Portland, Maine. I believe it was during the donut discussion that Melissa used the phrase, "there was a brief period of macaroons," which gave me the idea for my next novel, a sweeping multi-generational saga called A BRIEF PERIOD OF MACAROONS. Melissa also said, "It's hard to make an apple brown betty in prison," which gave me the idea for my bestselling self-help memoir IT'S HARD TO MAKE AN APPLE BROWN BETTY IN PRISON AND OTHER LESSONS FROM A LIFE WELL-LIVED. Everything Melissa said was a book title. The apple brown betty remark came during a roundtable discussion of Martha Stewart, by whom I found all four of my dinner companions completely fascinated. I guess I never thought I'd hear Jon Langford of the seminal punk rock band the Mekons talking about Martha Stewart with such avid pleasure. Dr. Theresa described a key scene in the TV movie MARTHA BEHIND BARS (pictured), which she and Bess watched as research back when Dr. Theresa was working on her dissertation. Martha Stewart makes an apple brown betty out of contraband items she has scrounged together but she doesn't get to enjoy it because a prison snitch turns her in. "That b*****," said Melissa. With some force! I never did get the conversation back around to Bob Hope.

Too Bad For Writers

How ironical, I guess, that all the MFA students have traipsed off to Chicago for the Big Annual Meeting of Drunken Writers (BAMDW) while Jon Langford is flying HERE to their hometown of Oxford, Mississippi, FROM Chicago, to sing and play for them and caper about so merrily but they will never know. The rest of you! Come see Jon play tonight on the Thacker Mountain Radio program and tomorrow night at Two Stick and why not stop by the Southside Gallery to look at Jon's art and then maybe later Jon will simonize your car.