Brain Can Conspiracy

You know Laura Lippman has got me all fascinated like with these OZ books. And now Elizabeth writes in to inform me that she, like Laura, is a big fan. OZMA OF OZ is her favorite. As for Laura, I quote: "My favorite is probably the last one written by Baum, Glinda of Oz, which deals with a very petulant teen sorceress (sort of Kristen Stewart with magic powers) and a population of 'Flatheads,' who keep their brains in cans. Rich with conspiracies." Laura says that she "read every book in the L. Frank Baum series AND the 'sequels' written by Ruth Plumly Thompson, which were darker and not quite right." Intriguing! I see a lazy trip to wikipedia in my future. In a subsequent email, Laura just as intriguingly notes "the presence of strong girls and the absence of strong boys" in Baum's books. She can think of no more than three boys in them, one of whom (SPOILER ALERT) turns out to be a girl: OZMA! Now I know why Elizabeth likes that one so much. It's right up her alley.

Giant Horror Glasses

As you will no doubt be thrilled to hear, our annual Halloween Film Festival has continued with THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (a hint of Lovecraft there) and the awesome FROM BEYOND (a whole lot of Lovecraft). The leading lady of FROM BEYOND sports the enormous eyeglasses you may recall from 2009's Halloween film festival feature SWAMP THING. I have a vague recollection of renting FROM BEYOND many years ago at the Phar-Mor drugstore in Mobile, Alabama, with the amazing VHS selection. As I watched it tonight I suddenly had an epiphany about the connection between H.P. Lovecraft and Shirley Jackson. It's really obvious but I'm saving it for scary story class tomorrow.

Sick and Blunted, Y'all

I was reading ol' Stephen Holden in the New York Times today, he whose cabaret reviews have baffled and intrigued me with their tortured and ecstatic turns of phrase, whose movie reviews have oft been fraught with dubious cultural assumptions. Today he wrote, "For Ms. Huppert it is the latest in a long line of roles that require her to ooze an imperious hauteur, something she can probably do in her sleep." Though I appreciated what he was getting at (this photo makes a good case for it), I struggled with the phrase. It's my own problem, not Stephen Holden's! I don't like to think of anyone oozing anything in her sleep, especially imperious hauteur. Speaking of turns of phrase, Lee and Larry came over last night to watch Orson Welles's movie FALSTAFF (also known as CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT), and when John Gielgud (as Henry IV) said, "He was but as the cuckoo is in June, heard, not regarded; seen, but with such eyes as, sick and blunted with community, afford no extraordinary gaze," I thought, "Yeah! That's why I got off facebook." I used to think hobos were the original facebook, but there's Shakespeare writing about it so now I don't know what to think! I'm back on twitter, though. Who cares? EXACTLY!

Scary Buttons

There is something extra scary about the Patchwork Girl of Oz, which I did not notice when I saw that previous illustration of her. Perhaps I didn't examine it closely enough. But her EYES ARE BUTTONS! Do you hear what I'm saying? HER EYES ARE BUTTONS, people! I know because I picked up my own copy of THE PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ at Square Books today. Most horrible! More terrible, even, than Laura Lippman implied! Forget Freud's ideas about the uncanny. Just think of the lullaby quoted in Toni Morrison's great novel BELOVED, all about "Lady Button Eyes." So very soothing, yet shot through with terror. In my opinion! All right! Lady Button Eyes is coming! She's coming! Get some sleep!

Our Soup Story

Hey I was just thinking about how the day after Dr. Theresa and I watched X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES she brought home some soup from the Honey Bee Bakery and it was in a paper cup with an opaque white plastic lid on it and for some reason I said, "It looks good," and Dr. Theresa shot back, "Who are you, THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES?" oh gee we have lots of fun.

Head Strikes Again

Hey look Pendleton Ward, creator of ADVENTURE TIME - my nephews' favorite show! - drew my head. I don't think he'd mind me showing you because he put it out there in public on the twitter. Hey Kent told me to get back on twitter (he missed my live-tweetings of KING RALPH) so I did. Hey. (See also. And also.)

Future Shoes

Hey look it's what I look like during a futuristic "video conference." Terrifying! Those are Kent's shoes. What's it all about? I don't think I can tell you yet. Can I? I guess not. Up on the corner of that bookcase behind me you can see that can of industrial-strength "Ultra Duster" I told you about one time. Hey man I told you now that I'm off facebook this is where all my annoying facebook style photos go. You have only yourself to blame for looking.

Country Guy

Read a New York Times obituary about a guy who started his own country: "drama ensued when a group of Germans with plans to build a luxury casino on the platform tried to take control of Sealand while Mr. Bates and his wife were away. They held [his son] hostage for several days before Roy Bates stormed Sealand and retook it in a dramatic helicopter raid." I like the implied thought: "Hey, that guy and his wife went for groceries. Let's take over their country before they get back."

Most Important Meal

Later tonight the annual Halloween film festival will continue with GREMLINS 2. In the meantime, we've watched the Frank Langella version of DRACULA. Having just read the book, I found myself becoming one of those annoying people who says, "That's not in the novel!" and "THAT'S not in the novel!" And really not much of the novel was in the movie. But honestly, no Dracula movie really represents what's in the novel. The novel is a lot better than any Dracula movie I've seen, though I sure hate to be a guy who says things like that. The Langella DRACULA was enjoyable. It did bring out the native sauciness of Dr. Theresa, who kept saying things like, "Jonathan is kind of a ****" and "Her dad is a *****!" One thing that especially got under her skin was the way Donald Pleasance responded to tragedy by eating breakfast. I had to tell her that that IS in the novel: the characters are constantly eating a hearty breakfast to fortify themselves for a battle against Dracula. "Well, it is the most important meal of the day," said Dr. Theresa with notable sarcasm. I have never before seen this version, but when Megan Abbott was in town, she and Dr. Theresa discussed their shared childhood trauma of watching Frank Langella as Dracula climb down a wall toward his victim. See, now, that IS in the novel, the wall-climbing, I mean, but in a different context (OH, WHO CARES? WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME?). In fact, last night at the party at Faulkner's house (at which, I forgot to tell you, they served raw oysters from my hometown), I saw Lee Durkee, who said that DRACULA is one of the few books he has ever read - maybe the only one - that truly scared him. The image he brought up in particular was, as I think he put it, Dracula "spider-walking down the castle wall." Lee thought that my mentioning certain sentences from DRACULA on the "blog" was a way of making fun of the novel, but not at all. I found it incredibly scary, too. My sister is reading it now and she is also scared. We're all scared. He's scary.

Two Minutes in Werewolf Heaven

Dr. Theresa and I just saw two minutes of a movie called JUNGLE JIM IN THE FORBIDDEN LAND on TCM, but wotta two minutes! There is a werewolf stalking through the jungle and he is so scary that he makes the monkeys dive out of the trees en masse into the river below. It's literally raining monkeys! Spectacular! "Is that werewolf out in the daylight?" asked Dr. Theresa. "That's weird." I suggested that maybe he wasn't a werewolf; maybe he was more of Dr. Moreau type creature. The werewolf started wrestling a chap I can only assume was Jungle Jim. Things looked hopeless until a helpful chimp beaned the werewolf in the head with a rock. Sometimes two minutes is enough! You just stop right there and you've watched the greatest movie ever made.

The Garden of Meats

A round of emails between Laura Lippman, Megan Abbott, Ace Atkins and myself somehow wound its way to Laura recalling a "terrifyingly amoral" character from literature: the Patchwork Girl of Oz! Laura sent me this picture which indeed gives hints of terrifying amorality. I believe Laura is looking for some text to back up the description. In the meantime I checked wikipedia, for what it's worth, and found an allusion to THE PATCHWORK GIRL OF OZ's "deleted Chapter 21... 'The Garden of Meats.'" If I am skimming wikipedia's claims correctly, this chapter was about plant people who grew human children FOR FOOD!

Weird Cedar Mix Tape

Dr. Theresa and I just left an awesome party thrown by Wright Thompson and Sonia Weinberg Thompson at William Faulkner's house and as we crunched home up William Faulkner's pebbled drive under the dark rows of judging cedars the great song "Brick House" by the Commodores (which we also happened to listen to on our spontaneous trip to the lonesome grave of Meriwether Lewis) was emanating from William Faulkner's house with joyful abandon so that was unusual.

Fish

I was just talking to the fish.

Dazzling Kimono of Doom

I know you want to be kept informed about our annual Halloween film festival so I will tell you a few things about X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES. 1) Before the credits even start there is an eye attached to a stalk kind of wiggling around in a jar of pink fluid, and you will think of Samuel Beckett's novel THE UNNAMABLE. 2) Then the credits appear over a black-and-purple swirling hypno-wheel. Dr. Theresa approved. 3) Suddenly, about halfway through, I guess, it takes an unexpected turn in the general direction of NIGHTMARE ALLEY, with Don Rickles doing a good job as a shady carny seeking to exploit THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES! Don Rickles removes Ray Milland from his carnival-appropriate kimono of dazzling yellow silk and sets him up as a phony "healer." Matters of faith and determinism are addressed! 4) Speaking of which, it all ends on a mystical note, not unlike THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (if nowhere near that level), following its premise through to its cosmic conclusion. THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES sees through everything, he SEES INTO THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, but I won't spoil it for you. 5) I forgot to mention a RAIN MAN-like side trip to Las Vegas. "This movie is all over the place," Dr. Theresa remarked at that point, but she didn't mean it in a bad way.

Darkroom Smooches with Lonesome Ray Barone

Last night I was walking down the hall past the bedroom and Dr. Theresa called out to ask what I was doing and I said "I am about to watch Lorelai Gilmore make out with Ray Barone" and Dr. Theresa made a helpless, involuntary noise like aaoooeeewwwhhheehhhwwww and I said "I didn't make it happen, it's not my fault!" Poor Ray is so lonely. (Look at this picture! He looks almost psychotically lonely! No wonder Lorelai is so blurry and concerned in the background.) He made an unwanted advance! He suddenly smooched her in the darkroom. Lorelai politely recoiled. It reminded me of what Mr. Ward once said about Lauren Graham's character on the shoe factory show. To quote my own "blog," which is my new thing, Mr. Ward said, "Every man she meets falls in love with her. A poor man loves her and a rich man loves her and a schoolteacher loves her." And now a down-in-the-dumps photographer who had stopped believing in love loves her! So there you go. Plus the schoolteacher still happens to love her, the schoolteacher of whom Elizabeth once observed in an email entitled "parenthood is blech": "Lorelai's little boyfriend looks like a young lady with a mustache (goatee) glued on. I think because of how wimpy he acts. Although of course I don't think ladies are wimpy."

Look For Yourself

Last night I was lucky enough to catch a little bit of Jack Hanna on the David Letterman program, displaying his endearing lack of knowledge about animals. As you will recall, Hanna is particularly testy when the subject of marsupials comes up. He brought out a bearcat. "What does it eat?" asked Letterman. "Fruits, bananas, people," said Hanna. "Is it a marsupial?" asked Letterman. "I don't know, look for yourself!" yelled Hanna. In other viewing news, our annual Halloween film festival has continued with a movie called ATM. It's about some people being tormented in a freezing, confined spot, and as such it put me in mind of FROZEN, a Halloween film festival feature from a couple of years ago. The trapped characters in ATM were a polite young man, the mildly sassy young woman upon whom he has a budding crush, and a wisecracking pal who makes everyone miserable. My recollection of FROZEN is not all it could be, but I'm almost certain the three unfortunates in that one form an identical combo. Allow me to quote myself from my own "blog" from two years ago this very day: "[FROZEN] was about all the gruesome things that can happen to you on a ski lift. Can you imagine all the gruesome things that might happen to you on a ski lift? Well, yes, you probably can. But that doesn't make them pleasant!" By way of contrast, NOTHING that happens in ATM is anything that would ever happen to anyone at an ATM, gruesome or otherwise. There is the obligatory scene in which we learn all the various reasons why none of the characters happen to have a working cell phone. For the devious madman's plan to work (SPOILER ALERT! There is a devious madman!) he would have to magically assume that everyone at the ATM would lose, forget, or let the batteries run down on his or her cell phone simultaneously. For starters! In fact, the devious madman makes a lot of incredible assumptions - like, "I bet the protagonist is going to toss a flaming tequila bottle at me all of a sudden out of nowhere" - all of which come true. And once again, throwing a flaming tequila bottle is something we hardly ever do at ATMs anymore. The wildly improbable circumstances piled one upon another in ATM had me thinking nostalgically of the organic integrity of FROZEN, a movie about which no one has any reason to think at all. We also watched SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES as part of our Halloween film festival. I don't have anything to say about it. I just like to keep you informed.

Unknown Land Pirate and the Feathered Mimes

"No government inquiry, official or otherwise, was made into Lewis's death. Incredibly, no official even so much as visited the scene." Yeah guess what I checked out of the library today, yes, that's right, a biography of Meriwether Lewis. In it I found another account of how Lewis's friend Alexander Wilson did a little investigation at the site of Lewis's death. "Once out of sight of the cabins," writes the author (Richard Dillon), "he broke down and wept for his dead friend." Wilson also wrote a poem about it: "The dark despair that round him blew,/ No eye, save that of Heaven, beheld,/ None but unfeeling strangers knew." And "Pale Pity consecrate the spot/ Where poor lost Lewis now lies low!" And so on. "On his ride, Wilson encountered a mockingbird which was singing its own sweet song, not the borrowed melodies of other birds which the feathered mimes adopted so easily. He wondered if perhaps the bird had sung for Lewis." That line, plus some hints that Wilson began to suspect foul play, made me check out another book - THE LIFE AND LETTERS OF ALEXANDER WILSON - because I wanted to see the source materials for myself. I found Wilson's account of the trip, and he does tell a mockingbird story, but it's nothing like the one Dillon reports. On the plus side there's this from the same letter: "I then sought out a place to encamp, kindled a large fire, stript the canes from my horse, eat a bit of supper, and lay down to sleep, listening to the owls... but for the gnats, would have slept tolerably well." So that makes THE LIFE AND LETTERS OF ALEXANDER WILSON a book with an owl in it, so I've got that going for me, you know how I feel about that, I feel like I'm not wasting my life, that's how I feel. Dillon writes near the end of the bio, "Was Meriwether Lewis murdered? Yes. Is there proof of his murder? No." And: "His assassin, I am convinced, was either an unknown land pirate of the ilk of the Harpe brothers of bloody Natchez notoriety, or the mysterious Runnion... because his moccasin tracks and the impression of the butt of his unusual rifle were found in the dirt near Lewis's cabin." But you know, I lost interest at some point because while I was googling around I saw that somebody wrote a "historical mystery novel" about the whole thing and ugh I don't know, I found that dispiriting for some reason, don't try to figure me out! YOU CAN'T! PS I was going to illustrate this "post" with a picture of the Harpe brothers of bloody Natchez notoriety but I just read about them and THEY'RE AWFUL! I don't want to tell you what they used to do to people but it has something to do with the way Henry Fonda sang, I can say no more. So here is Alexander Wilson instead, he seems nice, let's think of nice things from now on, promise?

Wishfully Towards the West

You know I can't stop reading about the strange night that Meriwether Lewis died. Here is a brief, peaceful interlude from Alexander Wilson's account: "He lighted his pipe, and drawing a chair to the door sat down, saying to Mrs. Grinder, in a kind tone of voice, 'Madam this is a very pleasant evening.' He smoked for some time, but quitted his seat and traversed the yard as before. He again sat down to his pipe, seemed again composed, and casting his eyes wishfully towards the west, observed what a sweet evening it was."

More Terrible Things

Sorry I can't stop thinking about the mysterious death of Meriwether Lewis. His friend Alexander Wilson visited the site to get the scoop straight from Mrs. Grinder, the eyewitness. Wilson wrote: "He lies buried close by the common path, with a few loose rails thrown over his grave." Oh, that's terrible! The "blog" is usually so upbeat. Look, I said I'm sorry. Wilson goes on: "I gave Grinder money to put a post fence around it, to shelter it from the hogs, and from the wolves; [also terrible! So terrible! - ed.] and he gave me his written promise he would do it. I left this place in a very melancholy mood, which was not much allayed by the prospect of the gloomy and savage wilderness which I was just entering alone." While I was trying to find out who Wilson was (an ornithologist) I came across an article about the whole mystery by Dee Brown, so read that, too, and you can be just like me, thinking of the sad death of Meriwether Lewis all the time - what any patriotic American would do!

Graveyard Ramada

Dr. Theresa and I took a little trip up the Natchez Trace. We came upon the grave of the famed explorer Meriwether Lewis. The wording on the stone reads in part, "His melancholy death occurred where this monument now stands and under which rest his mortal remains." The other markers around are kind of hazy about what happened to Lewis, but if you go into the little cabin they have set up nearby and look at the objects displayed, you'll find a book with laminated pages, glued to a shelf. It's a copy of an eyewitness account of Lewis's death, and it is TERRIBLE (prior to the excerpt I am going to present here, Lewis has apparently shot himself twice), so don't read this: Lewis says to his host, Mrs. Grinder, "'Dear madam, look at my wounds.' She asked him what made him do so? He replied, 'If I had not done it somebody else would.'... He attempted to cut his throat, but was prevented. Some of the neighbors were called in. He frequently cried out, 'Oh how hard it is to die, I am so strong.'" This happened earlier: "About dark two or three other men rode up and called for lodging. Mr. Lewis immediately drew a brace of pistols, stepped towards them and challenged them to fight a duel. They not liking this salutation, rode on to the next house, five miles. This alarmed Mrs. Grinder. Supper, however, was ready in a few minutes." Nobody knows what really happened. But "click" here for a "web" site that lists several theories and quotes from many contemporary documents. Some hours after visiting Lewis's grave, Dr. Theresa and I happened to pull into a Ramada Inn that is adjacent to a weathered old graveyard. No, not adjacent, that's too mild. The old graveyard seems to be PART of the Ramada Inn. There's no fence or anything. You just park your car inches away from a tombstone. THIS IS THE PLACE FOR US, we thought.

Enthusiastic Vampire Sadness

You will be so pleased to hear that our annual Halloween film festival is underway. So far Dr. Theresa and I have watched two TV movies from the creative team of Dan Curtis and Richard Matheson - almost by coincidence. We had already watched TRILOGY OF TERROR when we met Jimmy at the City Grocery Bar. He returned the dvd of THE NIGHT STALKER we had loaned him some time back. A fan of the series derived from the TV movie, he had never seen that pilot film. "The ending was sad!" Jimmy shouted in despair. "He was trying to act tough but he was sad." Jimmy's enthusiasm and heartbreak made us want to watch it again! So we did. In the movie, an old Las Vegas city father puts forth the fascinating theory that the vampire is "high on pot." He is one of those old city fathers of the type you know so well: he doesn't want to tell the citizens that there is a vampire in their midst because it might hurt tourism. But did he ever stop and think that a vampire might HELP tourism? I recognized him. It took me a minute to place him. The old city father was none other than the dad from CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE! "I think you're right," said Dr. Theresa. She was so proud of me! What a night. A great thing about THE NIGHT STALKER is watching Darren McGavin drive around Las Vegas circa 1972 (pictured). I saw marquees for Johnny Carson, Paul Anka and Joey Heatherton. You may rightly ask, "What's up with all the vampirism lately, Pendarvis?" It is true that I am by nature a werewolf man - so much more sympathetic! - and have exhibited little interest in vampires in the past. I don't know. I guess it's the season.

Scary Dude at the City Dump

Reading another book with an owl in it, but that's no surprise because every book has an owl in it, as you well know. This time it's 'SALEM'S LOT. Some scary dude pops up at the city dump and declares, "I love the predators of the night. The rats... the owls... the wolves." Sound familiar? That's right! It's a riff on DRACULA - in particular a passage to which we have recently alluded, but also touching on Dracula's famous quip - in both the novel and the original movie - about wolves as the "children of the night" - oh, that Dracula and his snappy quips! (see also) - and no, I'm not reading 'SALEM'S LOT for my scary story class, and what kind of person reads DRACULA and 'SALEM'S LOT right in a row JUST FOR FUN? A VAMPIRE? No comment.

McNeil Month By Month

It's the most important day of the year: McNeil's birthday! And if you don't know that, I think we can agree that you're nothing but a piece of garbage. But that's okay! You can turn things around by enjoying this year's installment of "McNeil Month By Month," where we examine what McNeil does month by month. September 2006: McNeil contends that he does not enjoy the "Little Dot" comic book. October 2006: McNeil furnishes a memorable quotation. November 2006: McNeil recalls playing Aerosmith on a jukebox. December 2006: First appearance of "McNeil's Movie Korner." January 2007: McNeil's system for winning at craps. February 2007: McNeil doesn't see what's so hard about reading a newspaper and eating a sandwich at the same time. March 2007: McNeil and I are talking about Bob Denver when HE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON TELEVISION! April 2007: Wild turkeys roam McNeil's neighborhood. May 2007: McNeil gets in touch with an Australian reporter regarding a historical chimp. June 2007: First McNeil's Movie Korner Film Festival announced. July 2007: Medicine changes McNeil's taste buds. August 2007: McNeil's trees not producing apples. September 2007: McNeil pinpoints a problem with the "blog." October 2007: McNeil presents a video entitled "Jerry's pre-defecation chills." November 2007: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. December 2007: What is McNeil's favorite movie? January 2008: McNeil explains why the wind blows. February 2008: McNeil admires the paintings of Gerhard Richter. March 2008: McNeil comes up with an idea for a Lifetime TV movie. April 2008: McNeil's shirt. May 2008: McNeil's apple tree doing better (see August 2007). June 2008: McNeil is troubled by a man who wants to make clouds in the shape of logos. July 2008: McNeil's apples are doing great. August 2008: McNeil refuses to acknowledge that Goofy wears a hat no matter what I say. September 2008: McNeil's grocery store is permanently out of his favorite margarine. October 2008: McNeil on the space elevator. November 2008: McNeil comes across an incomplete episode guide to HELLO, LARRY. December 2008: McNeil thinks the human hand should have more fingers. January 2009: McNeil discovers that gin and raisins cure arthritis. February 2009: McNeil sees a ****** ******* awesome rainbow. March 2009: McNeil wants a job on a cruise ship. April 2009: McNeil attempts to rescue a wayward balloon. May 2009: McNeil visits the Frogtown Fair. June 2009: McNeil dreams he is watching an endless production number from LI'L ABNER. July 2009: McNeil sends text messages from his cell phone while watching a Frank Sinatra movie. August 2009: McNeil disagrees philosophically with a comic book cover that shows a mad scientist putting a gorilla's brain in a superhero's body. September 2009: McNeil resembles famed boxing trainer Freddie Roach. October 2009: McNeil's birthday celebrated with an expanded edition of "McNeil Month By Month." November 2009: McNeil reports that a bird broke the large hadron collider by dropping a bread crumb on it. December 2009: McNeil advises me to like the universe or lump it. January 2010: McNeil eats soup. February 2010: McNeil tells of the hidden civilizations living deep beneath the surface of the earth. March 2010: McNeil recalls a carpet of his youth. April 2010: McNeil starts wearing a necktie. May 2010: McNeil's DNA sample fails to yield results. June 2010: McNeil thinks up some improvements for the movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. July 2010: McNeil reads to me from I, THE JURY. August 2010: McNeil finds a hair in his crab cake. September 2010: McNeil has a cold. October 2010: McNeil's favorite MAD MEN character is Stan. November 2010: McNeil sits in his car and looks at pictures of Jennifer Jones. December 2010: McNeil fears a ball of fire in the sky. January 2011: McNeil watches DYNASTY. February 2011: McNeil sees clouds that look like guys on horseback. March 2011: McNeil composes a "still life" photograph. April 2011: McNeil is upset when I interrupt his viewing of MATCH GAME. May 2011: McNeil pines for some old curtains. June 2011: McNeil eats Lucky Charms brand breakfast cereal. July 2011: McNeil investigates the history of the Phar-Mor drugstore chain. August 2011: McNeil compares Dean Moriarty to Dean Martin. September 2011: McNeil learns a lesson about pork and beans. October 2011: McNeil finds an article describing Robert Mitchum as "Bing Crosby supersaturated with barbiturates." November 2011: McNeil did nothing in November. December 2011: McNeil discovers scientists creating rainbows in a laboratory. January 2012: McNeil impersonates Paul Lynde. February 2012: McNeil dreams of matches. March 2012: McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy (see November 2007, above) used to chart the influence of Jerry Lewis on Carson McCullers. April 2012: McNeil disturbed by the art in his hotel room. May 2012: McNeil considers grave robbing. June 2012: McNeil's idea for "music television." July 2012: McNeil holds his negative feelings in check out of respect when the man who invented electric football dies. August 2012: McNeil reads me an old obituary of Charlie Callas over the phone. September 2012: McNeil concerned about T.J. Hooker's big meaty hands. What will McNeil do in October - and in all the months and years and eons to come? Stay tuned to find out!

Frasier, Briefly

Welcome once again to "Fraiser, Briefly," where we keep you up-to-date on all the latest Frasier developments. I got my BELIEVER magazine in the mail today. As you know, my column in that magazine is always wonderfully illustrated by Jason Polan. This time Jason has drawn a perfect likeness of Frasier's dad's lovable pooch Eddie, who appears in the column for some reason, probably because I can't stop thinking about Frasier, that's probably the reason. Thank you for your attention. This has been "Frasier, Briefly." And now I bid you goodbye forever.

Ghost Monkey Index

Earlier today I was up at Square Books indulging in my hobby - okay! It's the only thing I do at all anymore! - of checking the index of every new celebrity bio or autobiography for Jerry Lewis. Sadly, the Kenny Rogers memoir did not have an index. But Jerry does appear on one page of a new Henry Fonda bio called THE MAN WHO SAW A GHOST. Is that a good title for a Henry Fonda bio? Maybe! Maybe he saw a ghost once. I forgot to check the index for ghosts. The Jerry reference (page 148) is about a lacklustre performance by Fonda on the Martin and Lewis radio show. Fonda sings a little trio number with Martin and Lewis. The author refers to "Martin's lubricated lead" and "Lewis's monkey mewling" (!). I did not read enough to discover whether alliteration is a notable hallmark of the prose style. Fonda is said to sing like he has "a stomach full of rocks." I guess that would influence your singing all right!

Love Stupid

So for my scary story class tomorrow I'm teaching the short story "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream," and yes, I looked it up on wikipedia just for yuks, why not, I admit it, I have nothing to hide, shut up, leave me alone, go to ****! And I came across this in the summary of the story: "Ted's closing thoughts reflect a need to scream out of the horror and pain which are compounded with the reality that he has no mouth to do so, hence the title." Ha ha ha! Oh, wikipedia, you are so consistently stupid. Yet how I love your awkward and unnecessary paraphrasing.

We Are Able to Confirm

"... staring down at me with sad, sad eyes." So Richard Hudson, the narrator of Charles Willeford's novel THE WOMAN CHASER, describes the clown painting in his stepfather's office toward the end of the book. REPEAT: We are able to confirm at this time that the clown in THE WOMAN CHASER by Charles Willeford is a sad clown, as previously suspected.

Breaking Clown Story

Rereading THE WOMAN CHASER by Charles Willeford for class. Happy to be reminded that - as in THE HUSTLER - a clown painting is prominently featured. But is it a sad clown painting? Details are scant: "a white face, blocked in by thick globs of black." Willeford does refer to the painting's "every wavering, tragic line." More on this breaking story as it develops.

State of the Modern Smoothie

Eating mashed potatoes, taking pain pills and reading ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE VAMPIRE. Gonna be some evening. Yes, I guess that's more of a tweet, but I'm off the twitter. And anyway, I used to "blog" about this kind of stuff before I even knew what twitter was. I WAS A PIONEER! A BRAVE PIONEER. I also have some complaints about smoothies that are better suited to twitter, and I think I will keep them to myself, so that's one good thing, that's one thing you can be grateful for in this crazy world.

The Hulk Comparison Ends

Mr. Ward writes to remind me that in between being a shoe inventor and a photographer's assistant, Lauren Graham was a brilliant playwright, which is where the Hulk comparison ends, I guess. I guess! I don't want to assume anything. Maybe the Hulk tosses off glittering little one-acts in his spare time. I imagine him in a tattered smoking jacket, holding an enormous ostrich quill.

Everybody Torments Raymond

Hey remember that TV show that used to be about Lauren Graham inventing shoes at the shoe factory? She is no longer inventing shoes! Now she is a photographer's assistant, which seems like a demotion, nothing against photographers' assistants! I can't explain her change in fortune, probably because I missed an episode, or maybe she is like the Hulk as he was portrayed on TV, the way he would go from town to town helping people in need, one week at a shoe factory, the next at a photographer's studio, for example. That (THE INCREDIBLE HULK, I mean) was my sister's favorite TV show before she could really talk. She would cry out in delight at the sound of the opening theme, "Huck! Huck!" I told you she couldn't really talk. Then she would sit there in a terrified trance when the Hulk appeared - a bewitchment from which nothing could stir or distract her! I guess she had mixed emotions! (She also pronounced "root beer" like this: "rt br." WERE WE GIVING HER ROOT BEER BEFORE SHE COULD TALK?) Anyway, Lauren Graham's gruff and sullen photographer boss is portrayed by Ray Romano. Lauren Graham sure does complain about him a lot. Maybe TOO much! Or so her (current) betrothed seemed to think as he sat there ineffectually eating ice cream and contemplating the complex series of facial expressions she exhibited, all unknowing! In this show, Ray Romano has a brooding, wounded quality. Like Heathcliff in WUTHERING HEIGHTS! So I think Lorelai Gilmore and Raymond from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND are going to make out. I guess everybody really does love Raymond! Because he is so tormented! I have to say, though it is a gratuitous swipe, that Jerry Seinfeld could never pull this off. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, I guess! And if the dream of your life is to see Lorelai Gilmore make out with Raymond from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, not that it should be, not by any means, it definitely should not be, unless it is, well, I guess your favorite day in the world will be here soon, you mark my words, it will. (See also.)

The Fastest-Selling Cane on Television

I saw a commercial for "the fastest-selling cane on television." I know, that's more of a twitter remark, but I quit twitter, and I quit facebook, and now I just sit here. They should advertise that cane during Frasier reruns! Because Frasier's dad uses a cane. Give me some money!

Meaner Things

"... he can command all the meaner things: the rat, and the owl, and the bat - the moth, and the fox, and the wolf..." I knew it! I knew DRACULA would have an owl in it.

My New Motto

I read in the New York Times today about a man who got mauled by a tiger. Here's part of the article: "When an N.Y.P.D. sergeant asked Villalobos yesterday why he had jumped into the tiger preserve, he replied that 'everyone in life makes choices.'"

Fave Feather Vomit

It occurs to me that I forgot to tell you yesterday's fave DRACULA phrase: "Renfield has been very sick and has disgorged a whole lot of feathers."

The Phrase That Pays!

Today's favorite phrase from DRACULA: "her body must have been chilled with cold, and her mind somewhat appalled at waking unclad in a churchyard at night" - so remember, if I call you on the telephone today, and you answer by saying, "her body must have been chilled with cold, and her mind somewhat appalled at waking unclad in a churchyard at night," maybe you'll win a prize! To be safe, you should answer the phone like that all day.

Owls and Moustaches

I was up at Square Books earlier today, manfully resisting - for the nonce! - the impulse to buy a $50 book with an owl on the cover. I heard a voice: "Owls are very fashionable." It was Lyn. I was surprised and - may I confess it? - alarmed by the news. After all, I am a pioneer in a particular branch of owl studies, and I was not completely comfortable with the thought of hipsters jumping willy-nilly on the owl bandwagon. Lyn explained that she buys many of the gifts for Square Books (that is, she orders the items for the store that are not books); she has noticed an uptick in available owl merchandise. "Lots of owls," she said, predicting what novelties we'll see in the stores this holiday season. "Owls and moustaches." (See also.) You heard it here first.

Just Fancy

Reading DRACULA. It's not on my scary story syllabus, I'm just reading it. No owls yet, which is surprising. My fave sentence so far: "He is only nine-and-twenty, and he has an immense lunatic asylum all under his own care." But really you need the sentence before it, too: "Just fancy! He is only nine-and-twenty, and he has an immense lunatic asylum all under his own care." That same character is described on the next page as "Dr. John Seward, the lunatic-asylum man, with the strong jaw and the good forehead."

Dance Craze

Watching part of a movie called THE COOL ONES on TCM. It's mostly Roddy McDowall in lots of paisley ascots and sunglasses and convertibles and tight suits, and what's wrong with that? (See also.) He's the millionaire manager (I think) of a band who sings the dance craze hit "Have a Tantrum." When the music stops, everybody freezes. The singers then advise them to "have a tantrum." When the music starts back up, everybody "has a tantrum," shaking and quaking and such. When the music pauses once more, they freeze anew, awaiting the repeated instruction to "have a tantrum," which they obey once more. And so on. Can there be any neater example of repressive desublimation? I think not! Like, you know, is dance itself the very primeval essence of repressive desublimation? All that dangerous potential energy expended in a regimented way, according to explicit instruction from an approved intermediary of the powers that be, as represented, in this case, by Roddy McDowall? Do you care? I find that difficult to believe. Yet here we are.

Buns

So you know Megan Abbott and I brood about THE LAWRENCE WELK SHOW a lot, and I recently mentioned to her that Anacani is my new fave Lawrence Welk cast member so Megan sent me this video ("click" here) and Megan knows how I am entranced by youtube comments, so she drew my attention to this one: "so intoxicatingly attractive is Anacani's total femininity." PS Megan also sent me a "link" about Lawrence Welk's Italian daughter-in-law, another performer on the show, who gave birth to Lawrence Welk's grandson Lawrence Welk III, nicknamed "Buns"!

Three Ear Holes and Flies Silent

"It's pure built to hunt. Got three ear holes and flies silent. It can open and close each pupil separate from the other one. They ain't a better hunter." So says a character about an owl in Chris Offutt's story "Barred Owl" from his book OUT OF THE WOODS. "Well, reckon you know your owls," the narrator replies. Chris sent me the story because he knows how much I like books with owls in them. This one did not disappoint! A real beaut. But be forewarned there is some gruesome owl business involved! What Chris's character said about owls made me remember something I read once, and I thought I had told you about it before, but I can't seem to find the "post," so I'll tell you again. In her book ON RARE BIRDS, Anita Albus writes of the barn owl, "The sound of bells doesn't faze it if its nest is in a church tower. It's got nothing to do with the bird, and the thundering noise is much too conspicuous for its fine-tuned hearing... It has the best ear of any bird in the world... When it strikes, its eyes are closed." Between the ellipses there's a long discussion of the barn owl's "three-dimensional hearing" but my typing fingers are getting tired. And I could have sworn there was a part about an owl snatching a mouse from deep in a snow bank but I guess that was some other book. Don't worry, I only spent a few hours looking for it. Chris Offutt and Melissa Ginsburg gave a reading the other night in the neighboring village of Water Valley. Dr. Theresa and I went out there to see them. Melissa read some new poems about Freud! Chris read a story from a forthcoming collection and I was getting mighty worried there wouldn't be an owl in it but then WHAMMO BLAMMO just before the ending he slipped in an owl! Whew. Many thanks to Montgomery Clift for portraying Freud in this "post."

Gidget Goes to Grad School

I've had my ups and downs with GIDGET so far, but basically I am digging it the most. I think I'll see what the grad students make of it next semester. Why isn't it taught hand-in-hand with ON THE ROAD? It's virtually contemporary and covers lots of the same psychic territory. Is it because ON THE ROAD is so boyish and GIDGET is about a girl? Does my old crackpot Samuel Beckett/Anita Loos theory apply, or am I just full of crap? I guess we'll never know.

Introduction to Gidget

Reading in the introduction to GIDGET about how 15-year-old Kathy Kohner (the real-life Gidget) would tell her dad "about all of the surfers" she knew. "I told him I wanted to write a book. He said, 'Why don't you tell me your stories and I'll write it?'" Hmm. Should I say "Hmm" about that? Hmm. Then it tells how Dad would - "with her permission" - secretly listen to Gidget's phone conversations to get the lingo down pat. That's the introduction. The foreword to this edition is by Kathy Kohner Zuckerman herself, 60 at the time, who says lots of adorable things like "I hope you love the book and go out and 'hang ten' (an old surfing expression)."

"Does Gidget Yet Live?"

Read an obit in the New York Times a couple of weeks ago I guess for Terry Tracy, a surfer nicknamed "Tubesteak" - "another word for hot dog" as the New York Times helpfully explains. He was the basis for the character "The Big Kahuna" in the popular beach movie GIDGET. When Megan Abbott was here on her most recent visit, I suggested that GIDGET (the novel on which the movie is based) might be a good bet for our Doomed Book Club. Megan seemed keen on it. As I have abdicated facebook, however, I found it tough to get in touch with the other Doomed Book Club members. I sent out a tentative tweet. Kelly Hogan "favorited" the tweet, but what does that mean, really, in our strange world of today? I trust Hogan with my life, but I think we all know that "favoriting" a tweet is the thing we can do that has the least bearing on what we might comfortably call "reality." What I am trying to say is that I might be reading GIDGET all alone. I picked up my copy at Square Books today. The late Terry Tracy is the one who gave the actual Gidget that very nickname: "Gidget." When I read his obit, I imagined him (and it is terribly crass and impolite, imagining a person on his deathbed, but this did pop into my head) saying, "Does Gidget yet live?" I had John Adams in mind. I thought John Adams asked something similar about Thomas Jefferson on his own deathbed, but wikipedia tells me that he said, "Thomas Jefferson survives" which in my opinion just doesn't have the same ring to it, oh well. But here's the thing. Gidget DOES live! The New York Times reports of the real-life Gidget, "Ms. Zuckerman now works for the beach restaurant Duke’s Malibu, where her job is to greet guests and reminisce about the old days." The novel is by Ms. Zuckerman's father, but is told in HER 15-year-old voice, which opens up a wealth of Freudian reflections, the kind Megan Abbott loves so much. And suddenly I am reminded of an email I just received from McNeil: "I showed my class an episode of T.J. Hooker today. He kept touching his daughter with his big meaty hands. There was a line at the end a lot like Eastwood's 'make my day' - only 18 months earlier!"

Owl Time with Lord Dunsany

Have you heard of Lord Dunsany? Yeah, me neither. But I came across him when I was studying up on H.P. Lovecraft. He was a big Lovecraft influence. "And a great white owl came by, going up and down in the dark." All right? So IN THE LAND OF TIME, a collection of stories by Lord Dunsany, is a book with an owl in it, so shut up. So all I do is tell you when I read a book with an owl in it, so what? And every book has an owl in it, so it takes up a lot of my time, and my work and relationships inevitably suffer, so leave me alone. What do you do? Save sick babies? Well, okay, that's pretty good.

Cultural Studies

Welcome once again to "Cultural Studies," the part of the "blog" for studying culture. Last night I watched DAS RHEINGOLD on PBS. A solid two hours of it is some guys standing around arguing over a bill. In song form! SPOILER ALERT! They finally decide to put a woman in a big fishing net and cover her with golden trinkets and when she's all covered up, that's how much money they get. And for you comic book fans, Thor and Loki are in it! But they call them Donner and Loge. Loki gets all the best lines. Thor kind of sulks around in the background. He looks like Seth Meyers from Saturday Night Live. But I know it's him from his trademark hammer and right near the end just when you think it's all over and you can stretch your legs he suddenly brags for a while about how he's going to make it thunder then everybody climbs on a rainbow and goes to Heaven, natch. Hey, you may be asking yourself what this supervillain who turns to silk by touching a curtain has to do with DAS RHEINGOLD. Nothing, baby. I kept looking for a good picture of Thor on the "internet" and this popped up instead. CULTURE!

Things Got Fancy

Part of me - most of me (all of me?) - knows that you don't care about my big long list of every book with an owl in it. Yet here we are. When Megan Abbott was here most recently we talked about H.P. Lovecraft a good bit and she told me about a comic book that was part noir and part Lovecraft and she said she was going to send it to me and Megan Abbott always does what she says so she sent it to me and I have it and here it is. It is called FATALE by Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips and it is dedicated to - a comic book with a dedication page! Things got fancy as I reached my twilight years though no one alerted me - Megan Abbott and Joe Hill, and look! It talks about "a silk ribbon that's wound around the world every night, held in the beak of an owl" and that must be some owl all right. Laura Lippman was here recently too, and we went together to a live broadcast of the Thacker Mountain Radio show and Padgett Powell read about butter-and-sugar sandwiches, which appear in his new book, and we have noticed butter-and-sugar sandwiches in books before - books by James Whorton, Jr., Harper Lee, and Toni Morrison - but we haven't made a list, not yet we haven't, although we have made a list of sandwiches in general, but I know you don't care, you don't care about owls or sandwiches.

Clown Dust

Bill Boyle read the novel THE HUSTLER over the weekend. He says, "It's amazing! Way better than the movie." Plus it has a sad clown in it, and Bill has kindly taken the time to type up for us every mention of the sad clown: "The walls were of gray, cracked plaster, but on one of them, over a painted brick fireplace with broken bricks, hung a huge picture in a white frame. The picture was of a sad-looking clown in a bright orange suit, holding a staff. Eddie looked at this carefully, not understanding what it meant, but liking it. The clown looked mean as a snake... He [Fast Eddie] walked back into the living room and, not looking at Sarah, looked instead at the clown. The clown looked back, sad and mean, holding the wooden staff. His fingers were painted in only sketchily, but they were graceful and sure of themselves. The clown was, apparently, unhappy, but was not to be pushed around; a good, solid clown and a figure to be respected... The apartment was clean, cleaner than he had ever seen it. Even the clown's frame had been dusted off!... He was looking at her [Sarah's] face, fascinated by her skin, which seemed to glow in the soft light from the living room lamp. But he felt nothing, only a simple, admiring fascination, as if he were looking at the orange clown on Sarah's wall, the one in the white frame. The clown that had once seemed ready to tell him something." I guess my favorite thing is the exclamation point that signals how incredible it is for someone to dust a clown painting. Bill watched the movie again, keeping an eye out for sad clowns and spied nary a one, to his disappointment. I would only point out that Jackie Gleason is in it, Jackie Gleason - whose sad-clownness has been debated on this very "blog." I don't think anyone will disagree that the best thing to do was illustrate this "post" with a creepy Jackie Gleason doll.

Convention Report

As you have probably forgotten - so shame on you! - "blog" correspondent McNeil lives in Charlotte, where the Democratic National Convention is taking place as we speak. I have asked McNeil to provide relevant reports... what the media AREN'T telling you! McNeil responds: "Yesterday (Labor Day!) the Police Department's Animal Control van stopped in front of my house. A very pleasant woman came to the door and said they had received a complaint that my cat had been attacking (!) the caller's (whiner's!) cat. I have 2 indoor cats, a puny outdoor stray we feed, and her 2 6-week old kittens. The kittens were on the front porch (with their cute innocent faces uplifted) when the pleasant cop arrived so she cooed at them. Anyway, I finally deduced that the evil cat in question is a Siamese cat [not McNeil's - ed.]... As she left, [the cop] said everyone on the 'force' was working 80 hours this week because of the convention... but she was okay with that because she has the following week off - which she was going to spend canning."

Hi

Day four without air conditioning. The fish is okay. I, on the other hand, am starting to give off a distinct Colonel Kurtz vibe. On a positive note, Laura Lippman will be at Off Square Books tomorrow at the usual time to read from her brand new novel. Megan Abbott last week, now Laura Lippman! After that, plans include the return of life to its inevitable downward spiral.

Abandoned Vampire Bicycles

Spurred on by the childhood recollections of Megan Abbott, I have watched two movie versions of Sheridan Le Fanu's story "Carmilla," both available via "streaming video" on the "internet." Ironically (?) the tawdry Hammer Studios version, THE VAMPIRE LOVERS, is by far the most faithful to the original story, though of course it takes some liberties. BLOOD AND ROSES (pictured), statelier and more evocative, owing something to VERTIGO, certainly has more of the dreamy quality that Abbott recalls, containing, in fact, a black-and-white dream sequence involving, in one of its tamer images, a courtyard filled with abandoned bicycles, though very little of Le Fanu's original story remains (they even misspell his name in the credits). An airplane figures significantly in BLOOD AND ROSES, which would have surprised Le Fanu.

Sometimes the Writhing Fiend

I happened to be preparing to teach the vampire story "Carmilla" by Sheridan Le Fanu in my "scary story class" while Megan Abbott was here, so we ended up talking about that, too. Megan was mesmerized by a movie version of the story, heavily edited, that was on TV all the time when she was a little girl. It gave her "wiggly stomach sensations," a turn of phrase I trust she will not mind me showcasing here, as she has already used it publicly on the twitter. Her experience of the film was all the more dream-like, she said, because back then "They would cut to a commercial whenever they felt like it, in the middle of a scene." (Above, a frame from an Italian movie version of "Carmilla," almost certainly not the one Megan used to watch, though we're still figuring out which one she did.) I love the story "Carmilla." The last paragraph is great, and I should quote some of it to you, though if you haven't read the story it might not make sense, but will definitely spoil the pleasure of discovering it for yourself, but really, who cares? You're not even reading this anymore. "... and to this hour the image of Carmilla returns to memory with ambiguous alternations - sometimes the playful, languid, beautiful girl; sometimes the writhing fiend I saw in the ruined church; and often from a reverie I have started, fancying I heard the light step of Carmilla at the drawing-room door." Checking out the footnotes in my copy of Le Fanu, I noticed that he relied for background research on an 18th-century treatise on vampirism by the French priest Augustin Calmet. And I happen to have a copy! So I dug it out. Calmet goes around collecting these "true" stories of vampires and spirits and such, and one thing I like about the book is the understatement. "That same night [the vampire] got up again, and by his presence alarmed several persons." Ha ha! I'll bet! Well, to be fair, they were alarmed because they had dug him up and put a stake through his heart, and he didn't even care: "This man when in that condition derided them for what they made him suffer, and told them they were very good to give him thus a stick to defend himself from dogs." Wow! When you stop and break that down, it's like an awesome bad-a** one-liner from a modern action movie. Way to go, vampire!