Rump Statement Worrisome

I immediately started worrying about this statement from my copy of THE BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS by Richard Despard Estes: "Fighting hyraxes defend themselves by presenting their rumps." What kind of defense is that, hyraxes? That might be fine if you are trying to fight another hyrax who is also presenting his rump, but gee it seems like a bad strategy if some other manner of creature is after you. "Hyraxes have many predators, including snakes, eagles, owls, jackals, and cats from servals up to lions; even mongooses may take babies." I am sorry to be a downer! And how do hyraxes defend themselves? By "growling and gnashing their teeth at dogs from the safety of a cranny." Yeah, that's great until it's time to come out of the cranny. "Since their clawless feet are also useless for digging, hyraxes are utterly dependent on natural cavities." Oh it just gets worse and worse. And they're not good at hiding! At least that's the way it seems to me. They "urinate on vertical rock faces; crystallized calcium carbonate in the urine makes a highly visible white stain that advertises colony sites." Why not just put up a sign? Man, I am worried about these hyraxes. On the other hand, I am excited, because in case you didn't notice, THE BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS can go on our big thrilling list of books with owls in them. But come on hyraxes, get it together.

Hyraxes in Early Morn

I looked up hyraxes in my BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS because what else am I going to do with my life? I learned a few things, such as "Hyraxes move in a creeping walk and are especially sluggish in early morn... They need an hour or 2 to warm up before becoming active..." Sounds familiar! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my. Also, "Hyraxes defend themselves by presenting their rumps... Fighting hyraxes back into each other..." I like the vocabulary of my BEHAVIOR GUIDE TO AFRICAN MAMMALS, words like "rump" and "morn." Finally, I like the last line in that article about hyraxes I told you about earlier. A scientist says, "They're pretty well liked, even when they're hated." Hyrax!

Hyrax!

I just read in the New York Times about the hyrax, which looks like a rabbit, has toes and tusks like an elephant, and sings. Hey everybody. Check out the hyrax.

Back in the Saddle Again

Got my copy of the new McSweeney's (issue #40) in the mail yesterday. In fact it arrived mysteriously on the front porch in the middle of the night! I have a little piece in there which is secretly an excerpt from Chapter 10 of my cat book. You're the only one who knows! Speaking of which, I am currently reading an advance copy of Ace Atkins's latest novel, THE LOST ONES. Just ran across this sentence: "There was a little corral down next to the Scrambler, where they set monkeys on the backs of dogs and let them race." In case you forgot, my cat book also contains an allusion to monkeys riding around on the backs of dogs! So I have that going for me. (This illustration cribbed from Brian Z. [he found it in a Chicago train station] represents just one of the many reasons my fake cat book will never be published: the kind of irony-free experience that renders fiction such as mine pale and obsolete. Coincidentally, it is - as you can see - written by "MARY DANIELS author of MORRIS," a cat with whom Ace has some personal experience.)

Pineapple Owl Cookie

Here is a New York Times article that has an owl in it and also contains this enjoyable sentence: "By that point the pineapple had 'lost all human traits,' said Geoffrey Cowling, 13, so eating it did not seem so bad." Less enjoyable is Frank Langella's description of himself and some romantically inclined friends - quoted in tomorrow's New York Times Book Review - as a "pulsating Oreo cookie."

Tony Orlando Outer Space Death Quote

As Ben Greenman has noted over there on the twitter, Tony Orlando had this to say about a recent celebrity demise: "Only God has been responsible for making more stars than Dick Clark." It reminds me of the outer space thing Tony Orlando said about Bob Hope that time. All right. Goodbye! Goodbye forever.

Pardon Me, Your Majesty

Say, do you have one of those "iTunes" everybody is talking about? You should know that the Kelly Hogan song I wrote "with" Andrew Bird ("We Can't Have Nice Things") has just come out as a single, available for purchase. What's that you say? You're sick of me yammering on and on about this? WELL PARDON ME YOUR MAJESTY! Just purchase it and shut up. It's $1.29, what, it's going to kill you?

Elementary School Noir

Watched three Val Lewton movies over the weekend, including my favorite, CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE. Look at this shot. It's like elementary school noir! But so is the whole movie. Nabbed it from a site that examines all of Lewton's movies, plus the one below from THE 7th VICTIM, my other favorite. Watch them all today! You could. They're only about 70 minutes apiece.

Elevator Bones

In that Shirley Jackson bio it says that she told an interviewer about the ghost in her attic and boasted of her magical powers: "my most interesting case so far is a young woman who offended me and who subsequently fell down an elevator shaft and broke all the bones in her body, except one and I didn't know that was there." Her interviews made her feel funny when she saw them in the paper and eventually she stopped saying stuff like that.

Taper-Witted

I used to "blog" all the time but now I only "blog" almost all the time. Yeah, so, I was in Square Books yesterday and I glanced at a blurb on the back of a Muriel Spark novel and I thought it referred to her as "taper-witted" but I had misread it and it said "rapier-witted." After I put the book down, still not realizing my mistake, I stood there and pondered what "taper-witted" might mean. It seemed more like an insult than anything, but I knew it couldn't be an insult, not printed on the back of a book like that, so I tried to rationalize how "taper-witted" might be interpreted as praise. Finally I looked again and it was "rapier-witted" which is a terrible old meaningless cliché - is that why my brain refused to accept it? Man is this dull. I feel sorry for you. But this is what a "blog" is! Nobody forced you to read "blogs." I was also flipping through the book NO HEROES by my pal Chris Offutt and everything in it seemed so good I kind of thought I ought to buy it, but here's what clinched it, brother: I came across a chapter entitled "Burying an Owl." And then there was this sentence: "Owls are so much like humans that we are afraid of them." And you know the rest. Maybe I should mention that Chris is casually holding a possum under his arm on the cover and that automatically became my new standard for author photos, yeah, maybe I would have bought that Muriel Spark book if only she had appeared on the cover holding a possum under her arm as she was wont to do.

In the Bag

Just picked some lottery numbers for McNeil. I feel pretty good about this!

Something on the "Blog" Reminds Me of the "Blog"

That still from TWIN PEAKS I "posted" yesterday reminds me that everyone who covers a Beach Boys song on the internet does so in a David Lynch-inspired "family room" as I have pointed out before. I'll "repost" one of my favorites below. It didn't seem especially Lynchian to me until yesterday when I rewatched the episode in which Donna's little sister reads a poem about Laura Palmer while her even littler sister dressed as a princess or something plays an ominous accompaniment on the piano in the background. (Please "click" here for my original annotations. I know you won't!)

So Much Learning

I watched TWIN PEAKS all day on Easter and I thought that was kind of weird but then I watched the "making of" documentary and learned that the pilot FIRST AIRED ON EASTER! Wow! Aren't you glad you read "blogs"? I also learned that Queen Elizabeth (the current one, of course) watched TWIN PEAKS - once she was upstairs at her castle watching it while Paul McCartney was downstairs playing a concert for her birthday and she didn't even care - and then I learned a third thing but I can't remember what it was.

Successfully Creepy Goo

There's a good part in this ghost story by Oliver Onions when a guy is sitting alone in his cozy apartment and he starts to hear a "soft and repeated noise - the long sweep with the almost inaudible crackle in it... The silky rustle came again; he was trying to attach it to something..." Anyway, it turns out to be "the sound of a woman brushing her hair." Scary! I learn from the introduction to this collection that Mr. Onions was born George Oliver Onions "and, although proud of his unusual name, he was taunted at school because of it. In 1918 he changed it to George Oliver, partly to please his wife, who found it distasteful... However, by this time he had established himself as a successful author and so he continued to publish his work under the name of Oliver Onions." What I really like is that his initials were GOO.

Bloomy Bricks and Butter Tooth

I'm teaching a ghost class in the fall so yesterday I was reading an old ghost story by Oliver Onions, who has the best name for an old ghost story writer of old ghost stories. Mr. Onions used the adjective "bloomy" and I wanted to look it up. And I thought, "I know which dictionary will have bloomy in it: WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION from 1974." So I opened it up and looked up bloomy and yes bloomy means exactly what you think bloomy means and I was only confused because Mr. Onions applied it to bricks and I had to sit and think a minute about what kind of bricks "bloomy bricks" might be but sitting and thinking a minute never hurt anybody. While looking up "bloomy" I accidentally ran across "butter tooth," which WEBSTER'S NEW TWENTIETH CENTURY DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, UNABRIDGED, SECOND EDITION from 1974 defines as "a broad front tooth."

McNeil's Rest Stop Ramblings

Remember when McNeil took a trip in 2009 and we had a little feature called "McNeil's Rest Stop Ramblings" where McNeil would stop at a rest stop and ramble? Well, McNeil is on another trip now. The family stopped at a hotel at 11 at night, and their room had not been cleaned since housing its previous guests. McNeil reports: "So I went down to the desk and the guy says 'So what do you need? Sheets?'" As you can see from the photo above, McNeil was also incensed that there were two pictures hanging in the room and they were both the same picture.

Nutty

I see in the paper that Rupert Holmes is writing the book and lyrics for the musical version of THE NUTTY PROFESSOR that Jerry Lewis is directing. That reminds me that Rupert Holmes wrote the novel WHERE THE TRUTH LIES. I didn't read it, but I saw the movie, and in the movie some characters an awful lot like Dean and Jerry get involved in some pretty dark shenanigans, yes sir. There's a dead body, for example. (See also, maybe, Megan Abbott's THE SONG IS YOU.) So I wonder if that ever came up in conversation! I wouldn't want to be the one to bring it up to Jerry. Kevin Bacon plays the "Jerry" character in the movie and perhaps that's the greatest tragedy of all. Nothing against Kevin Bacon.

Corn Fact of the Day

Thing I just learned from this James Brown bio: "He loved cream corn."

This is a "Blog"

McNeil found a box of paperbacks that had belonged to his grandfather. "New blog feature?" he inquired, thinking to send me a different cover every day from his grandpa's old box of books. "That's the dullest idea I have ever heard," I replied. "Let's do it."

Either Way Is Good

Carrie mentioned a MURDER SHE WROTE episode called "Corned Beef and Cabbage" on facebook and I tried to "like" it (you know how you "like" things on facebook?) but facebook said "This object cannot be liked." Ha ha! This object cannot be liked. A portentous phrase! Something to think about. Who is facebook to tell me what I can "like"? Turned out it didn't exist and that's why I couldn't "like" it. Carrie had deleted it because she got the title wrong. It was "Corned Beef and Carnage."

Celebrity Apple Disagreement

I have really slowed down on "blogging." Spending a lot of time brooding about a disagreement Larry King and his wife are having over which kind of apple is best. I read about it on twitter.

A Piece of Glass, a Redwood Tree

So Kelly Hogan put the funky theme song to the kids show VEGETABLE SOUP on her twitter the other day ("click" here to hear it). And that made me think of this other show I used to watch as a kid. It was called MAKE A WISH, and as you can discover by "clicking" here, the host, constantly checking his guitar frets, advises in the opening theme, "a piece of glass, a redwood tree, anything you wanna be, that's what you're gonna be!" That's really the way we thought then. And just to prove his point, he flies away! (See also.) And now I am remembering how another calm, psychedelic kids show theme ("click" here) freaked me out a little bit with its insistence that "the world's a big blue marble when you see it from out there." OUT WHERE? WHERE AM I? THE ENDLESS ABYSS? And then kids are knocking a marble around. Hey, that's the EARTH! It's NOTHING! It could just disappear at any moment! Or some smaller planet could crash into it and knock it out of the solar system! Like a marble! Which was not the point at all. Speaking of no point, I know you are not "clicking" on these "links" and I forgive you. "Blogspot" has now given me the capability to see how many times people have "clicked" on any particular "link" and NO ONE HAS EVER LOOKED AT THIS "POST" about how President William McKinley used to throw a napkin over his wife's face whenever she had a seizure at a state dinner! For shame!

Something I Guess I Never Knew

I guess I never knew that James Brown performed "Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)" at NIXON'S INAUGURATION. Followed by a set from Dinah Shore.

Nerve Control Technique

Here, from the James Brown bio by RJ Smith, is James Brown explaining how to do a dance step called "the James Brown": "Combine the applejack, the dolo, which is a slide, almost like the skate, and the scallyhop, which is a takeoff on the lindy hop, add a nerve control technique that makes the whole body tremble, and you got the James Brown." In other book news, I am happy to say that Megan Abbott has a new book coming out in July. It's called DARE ME, and not only is it a new book, but it is a new book with an owl in it! According to this advanced reading copy (yes, government, I got it for free) "a screech owl burst from behind the water tank." This promises to be Megan's best book yet, with the most owls.

Chock Full o' Owls

Great book conference with Maud Newton & gang! I was at a poetry reading and heard this: "the owl hunts blood among the fir trees" and naturally I got excited. Pretty soon another owl popped up! So many owls. It was then that I knew DREAM CABINET by Ann Fisher-Wirth was my favorite thing: a book with an owl in it. Maud's friend Carrie came down from North Carolina to watch us be on an exciting panel together. Carrie is an editor at THE AWL and I fell in love with her when she pulled a big, clunky biography of Shirley Jackson (whose HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE has an owl in it) out of her handbag. I got to introduce her to my colleague Joan Hall, who wrote a book about Shirley Jackson! Once I ran into Joan Hall on campus during a book sale some organization was having. I saw a Hamlin Garland book that would set me back $1.50 but I didn't have any cash. Now, Hamlin Garland is somebody I know about because of Dr. Theresa's interest in him. She admires his regionalist stuff. But somewhere along the way I found out he was also a fan of ghosts! The book I wanted was called FORTY YEARS OF PSYCHIC RESEARCH. Wow! Joan Hall loaned me two dollars so I could buy it. She's the greatest! Everybody is the greatest. PS I had drinks at City Grocery Bar tonight with my MFA student Jimmy who has mono. He wrote a paper comparing BELOVED to THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE and when he presented it, some professor in the audience (from Iowa, Jimmy thinks) asked why he had compared Toni Morrison to "trash literature"! Jimmy didn't know what to say. "I thought it was real good," he remembers as his response.

Local Lad Makes Splash in "Talkies"

From a newspaper in 1965: "'James Brown is going to turn himself into a woman' was the rumor that was circulating as late as last week among the teenagers, and now it has spread among the adults." That's from the James Brown bio that I borrowed from Michael Bible. But guess what? Now he will never get it back. MICHAEL SUDDENLY MOVED OUT OF TOWN! He got a job in the moving pictures out there in Hollywood, U.S.A. For real! And that's great but I used to organize my whole day around walking up to Square Books and bothering him while he worked.

Bob Hope and James Brown and Something Terrible, Sorry

Hey so I'm reading this fascinating bio of James Brown, THE ONE by RJ Smith, and I find out something I never would have guessed in a million years: that James Brown and Bob Hope performed together on a double bill. WHAT? I feel I should mention this passage also reveals that James Brown hit Tammi Terrell with a hammer. How terrible! I never like to mention awful things on this "blog," but it doesn't seem fair or honest of me to toss out the "cute tidbit" I gleaned without mentioning just one of the truly horrific things in the same couple of paragraphs. Bob Hope was quite taken with Tammi Terrell (who was in Brown's band at the time) and asked her to go on a USO tour with him, which did not "[sit] well with Brown."

Next Stop Pluto

Yeah I don't know why I haven't been "blogging" as much lately. Maybe because I keep listening to this crazy, nearly eleven-minute (!) Frank Sinatra song where he fantasizes about flying to outer space and visiting all the planets in the first person AS Frank Sinatra (the first lyric he sings is "My name is Francis Albert" and the background singers helpfully echo, "Francis Albert Sinatra"), and which contains the line "Next stop Pluto, where the devil dwells" (!) and then there's some maniacal devil laughter but I don't think I'm ready to talk about this yet.

News Roundup

Here's a headline I saw in the New York Times today: "Squashed Eyeballs Are a Danger for Astronauts." Now called me old-fashioned but gosh darn it I say that squashed eyeballs are a danger for everybody! I sent Ben Greenman that headline because he likes headlines, and to no one's surprise he had already read an article on the subject some time back, which included the information, says Mr. Greenman, that "prolonged space time also distends your brain. YOUR BRAIN!" So watch out. On the plus side, the article indicates that getting your eyes squashed in space may cure certain cases of nearsightedness. No kidding! Read it. And consult your physician to see if getting your eyes squashed in space is right for you! Side effects may include distended brain and dying in outer space. Ruth Buzzi retweeted an item from a Buffalo, NY, news service, which I found charming for its laconic prioritizing: "It's 73 degrees in Buffalo which set a new record high temperature for this date. Also, a gorilla escaped from the zoo earlier." Finally, this week's LAFA SHOPPER contains a column called "Thoughts On Wind" in which the columnist lists her thoughts on wind.

There's a Smell in Larry King's House

Larry King is tweeting again! There's a smell in his house.

The Jack Carson Safety Video You've Been Waiting For

Took some cold medicine and watched the Jerry Lewis remake of THE JAZZ SINGER yesterday but I can't talk about it because I swore to Phil I wouldn't until he got a chance to watch it too. Phil did send me a driver safety video starring Jack Carson. I'll understand if you don't "click" here. Yeah, there's just not much to it.

Hep to the Tragic Flea

Thanks to Kelly Hogan I am listening to a song about a flea who falls in love with a clown who is also a flea and then when the first flea dies the clown flea opens up her grave and gets in there with her - oh no! - just like - SPOILER ALERT! - Heathcliff and Cathy in WUTHERING HEIGHTS. Yeah, that's a real song, all right. Hogan and Mike Bulington were listening to it the other day and agreed I should "get hepped to it," to use Hogan's phrase. PS When Jon Langford was in town he saw my recommendation shelf and kept singing the chorus of the Kate Bush song "Wuthering Heights" in a high, quavering "Kate Bush" voice, just to drive me crazy, I think. It went like this: "Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering HEIGHTS!" Over and over.

National Holiday

"Did you hang up your stocking?" Kelly Hogan writes to ask me. Because it's Jerry Lewis's birthday! The New York Times tells me that Jerry will be celebrating with a Q&A at the Friars Club tonight. Wish I could be there, Jerry! Call me back!

Kerouac Googles

Went on a little business trip and took along my neglected copy of DR. SAX. You will certainly recall (by "clicking" here - do it!) Roy Blount Jr.'s discovery that Mark Twain used the word "googling." Let me now tell you that Jack Kerouac uses the word "google," and like Twain he does it onomatopoetically (I guess): "Jean Fourchette the idiot came stompin by with his firecrackers and google giggled in the late sun afternoon streets..." I know you don't care but I am telling you anyway. On my trip I happened to take the exit to Burke's new town, and I wished I had his phone number, but why? So I could say, "Hi, Burke, I am in your town but I am leaving immediately after I get some gas"? I walked into a McDonald's there and everyone seemed so sad! There was such sadness in the McDonald's that I turned around and walked out. I think I just caught everybody at a bad time!

A Picture With a Unicorn and Donuts

Here is a picture combining unicorns and donuts! You probably already saw it on the gawker but what am I supposed to do? It's in my wheelhouse. They lobbed it over the plate and I had to take a swing. My favorite thing is the guy saying "Marvelis."

Commotion Notion

Hey, you know what else THE BALLAD OF THE SAD CAFE reminds me of? That's right! Jerry Lewis. But what doesn't remind me of Jerry Lewis? Of the impish Cousin Lymon, McCullers writes, "When he walked into the room there was always a quick feeling of tension, because with this busybody about there was never any telling what might descend on you, or what might suddenly be brought to happen in the room. People are never so free with themselves and so recklessly glad as when there is some possibility of commotion or calamity ahead." For further insight, reacquaint yourself with McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy.

Literary Matters

I see by the old clock on the wall that it is time once again for "Literary Matters." Literary matters are awful and everyone hates them but these are few and short and it will all be over before you know it. 1) Checked out my recommendation shelf at Square Books yesterday. It has sold its 50th book! THE BLOODY CHAMBER by Angela Carter, in case you're interested. You're not. 2) I can't prove this but I have come to the conclusion that THE BALLAD OF THE SAD CAFE by Carson McCullers was directly influenced by KRAZY KAT. Who cares? 3) Maud Newton is coming to town! She and Anya Groner and Michael Bible and I will all be on a panel at this year's Oxford Conference for the Book, March 22-24. I'm not sure what they ended up calling our panel but my suggestion was "Yakkin' it Up: Internet Style!"

This Works

"Click" here to hear the song "We Can't Have Nice Things" I cowrote with Andrew Bird for Kelly Hogan's soon-to-be-released album I LIKE TO KEEP MYSELF IN PAIN. That's also the name of the album! Ha ha ha!

My Stream Isn't Streaming But Maybe Yours Is

Mark Childress alerts me that the song I wrote with Andrew Bird for Kelly Hogan's forthcoming incredible album I LIKE TO KEEP MYSELF IN PAIN is now "streaming" on the "internet." But when I "click" this "link" I see the word STREAM but no streaming will commence no matter what I do. Maybe you will be luckier or know more about the "internet" and "clicking on" things than I do. Anyway, I'm excited! Even if it doesn't "stream" you can read about all the people who, mesmerized by Kelly's mesmerizing voice, contributed brand new songs especially for her... and especially for you!

A Struggling Salesman of Pencil Sharpeners

Things I enjoyed learning from this article in the New York Times: Edgar Rice Burroughs was "a struggling salesman of pencil sharpeners" when he decided to become a writer. He read adventure magazines and said (actual quote), "I could write stories just as rotten." And he did! This I admire. Later, he and L. Frank Baum of "Wizard of Oz" fame were neighbors. Baum called his place "Ozcot" and Burroughs - creator of Tarzan - called his "Tarzana." Ha ha! All right! I love it.

Grandpa's Big Weekend

Last night I went over to Dent May's house to see Grimes (pictured) play. I had never been over there before and, I don't know, I pictured people scrunched up together in a living room with the furniture pushed back against the wall, but you go down this dark country road and suddenly there's a sprawling compound, no kidding, and Dent's house includes a cavernous room with a nice stage and huge dance floor and I sat on a couch in the corner like a creepy old weirdo as scores and scores (literally!) of young people flooded in. Dent kindly ushered me into a secret room ("The McConaughey Lounge") wherein I thank goodness found Michael Bible who walked around with me thereafter and conferred upon me an air of legitimacy so that no Grimes fan felt threatened by my wizened and stooped figure sulking there alone in the darkness rubbing my hands together. The furnishings were delightfully INLAND EMPIRE and one of Michael's friends expressed surprise that I was drinking out of a pink Solo cup imprinted with a camo motif, but I have never been to Dent's house before and I was not surprised by that so I am not sure where the surprise came from. Dent's house seems like a great place to hear music - it felt like to me maybe the best place in Oxford to hear music - but it was 11:30 and the opening band had not started yet and both toilets were stopped up so I - unlike the youngsters, so rightly undeterred - went home and never saw Grimes, well, I didn't see her play, but I saw her loading in heavy pieces of equipment with her fragile-looking limbs that I feared might break.

Correction

Dr. Theresa reminds me that despite previous reports I did play my accordion three or four years ago at the home of Tom Franklin. The "blog" regrets the error.

Dusty Accordion Thrills

Dig this crazy action shot as I lay down some blistering accordion riffs. That's right! I got to play two songs with Jon Langford last night. It was fun! Right there onstage was the first time I'd opened the accordion case since we moved here almost five years ago - I thought it was going to be like the end of KISS ME DEADLY, ha ha, that's one for you film buffs, gee I hate myself. The first song went great because it had two chords - and bongo-banging Barry B. and I had once played it with Jon under our stage names "The Wizard and the Elf" - but the second one had three chords - THREE! - and I was in some trouble. I hit the wall! But I bluffed my way through. Afterward I was covered in some strange accordion dust, sort of rusty and crumbly, and I think something came out of the accordion and bit me. Jon was just terrific and it was great to see him. Photo by my neighbor Mr. Lonesome, who brought sweet mandolin goodness as the opening act.

The Subject Was Donuts

Dinner last night with Dr. Theresa, Melissa Ginsburg, Bess Reed-Currence, and Jon Langford. OF HIS OWN VOLITION, with absolutely no prompting from me, Jon brought up his childhood love of Bob Hope movies (causing me to recall that I once watched a Bob Hope movie with another Mekon, Sally Timms - and their album OOOH has a song on it entitled "Bob Hope and Charity." Surely this is a subject for further study!). Jon also claimed that a Krispy Kreme brand donut left on a wooden table overnight cannot be pried from the surface by any means. He did, however, recommend Tony's Donuts in Portland, Maine. I believe it was during the donut discussion that Melissa used the phrase, "there was a brief period of macaroons," which gave me the idea for my next novel, a sweeping multi-generational saga called A BRIEF PERIOD OF MACAROONS. Melissa also said, "It's hard to make an apple brown betty in prison," which gave me the idea for my bestselling self-help memoir IT'S HARD TO MAKE AN APPLE BROWN BETTY IN PRISON AND OTHER LESSONS FROM A LIFE WELL-LIVED. Everything Melissa said was a book title. The apple brown betty remark came during a roundtable discussion of Martha Stewart, by whom I found all four of my dinner companions completely fascinated. I guess I never thought I'd hear Jon Langford of the seminal punk rock band the Mekons talking about Martha Stewart with such avid pleasure. Dr. Theresa described a key scene in the TV movie MARTHA BEHIND BARS (pictured), which she and Bess watched as research back when Dr. Theresa was working on her dissertation. Martha Stewart makes an apple brown betty out of contraband items she has scrounged together but she doesn't get to enjoy it because a prison snitch turns her in. "That b*****," said Melissa. With some force! I never did get the conversation back around to Bob Hope.

Too Bad For Writers

How ironical, I guess, that all the MFA students have traipsed off to Chicago for the Big Annual Meeting of Drunken Writers (BAMDW) while Jon Langford is flying HERE to their hometown of Oxford, Mississippi, FROM Chicago, to sing and play for them and caper about so merrily but they will never know. The rest of you! Come see Jon play tonight on the Thacker Mountain Radio program and tomorrow night at Two Stick and why not stop by the Southside Gallery to look at Jon's art and then maybe later Jon will simonize your car.

Triumph For Cat

Cat got interested in a rubber band tonight. It was great to see the cat rekindling an interest in old hobbies. Way to go, cat!

Horse Movie Complication

Last night I ate beans and watched the Oscars. In some sad news, I did not utterly crush my sister in our annual Oscar guessing contest. In fact, we tied 11-11. How humiliating. I blame the horse movie. Anytime I had to guess the winner of a category like "sound design" I said "the horse movie" because I thought of all the horses that were probably whinnying all the time in that movie while people were trying to talk. So it seemed like a hard job and somebody should get an award. Such was my thinking on the matter. I didn't see the horse movie. Horse movie didn't win anything.

William Gay

Here is a picture of William Gay, me, Dennis Lehane and Tom Franklin at the grand opening of Turnrow Books in Greenwood, MS. We got the sad news tonight that William has passed away. If you haven't read him, you should. The best thing you could do is to order one of his books from Turnrow in Greenwood or Square Books here in Oxford, two bookstores that truly appreciated and supported William's deep talent.

Vic's Mystical Daggers

And here's Vic talking to his date as they drive home from a party: "And when love starts twisting its ecstatic daggers inside you, you soar up to the peaks, the mood of elation is on you... And then it may be inevitable that after such peaks you must descend into the valleys, through the mood of depression." That's dialogue! In a book! On the next page, Kay says, "It's just as you said, you were blessing me with your body." And Vic replies, "Now I know what mystics are." Ha ha ha! Whew. Oh brother! Boy oh boy!

Kay Was Afire With Love

I just have to share some - and man I'm leaving a lot out! - of the love chapter of THE HUCKSTERS, our current Doomed Book Club selection: "'My love,' she said... 'You're my love.' 'Yes,' he said. 'Yes. Yes.' 'Oh yes, my love...' And love rose dreamily up with them and with them left the sea, and went back with them down the wondrous boulevard. [!!! - ed.] Kay was afire with love... She whispered dazedly [Dazedly! Whispered dazedly! - ed.] 'My love... Just think, my love... you're like an artery. [Ha ha! Yes, just think! - ed.] Just touching your shoulder. It's like an artery pumping..." If you say so, lady! Vic helpfully adds, "Lots of people live and die without ever being in love. Millions of them." He is always putting things into perspective and bringing everybody down with his wise gloom. And Kay responds, "I know. I see it in their faces. They don't know about love. Their ignorance is in their faces." Wow! Because oh yeah I forgot to tell you, one thing about Vic is that he does everything right and everybody else does everything wrong and that includes being in love.

Early Langford Warning

Hi! Do you like art and punk rock and things that are great? I thought so! ONE WEEK FROM TODAY (March 1) you will want to come see "Blog" Buddy Jon Langford of Mekons and Waco Brothers fame playing LIVE IN PERSON on the Thacker Mountain Radio program at Off Square Books at 6 PM. FOR FREE! Get there early! In fact, why don't you head over RIGHT NOW? Some of Jon's artwork will thereafter be displayed at the nearby Southside Gallery and Jon will probably stand there too and let you examine him, an authentic Welshman. Then I understand that Friday night March 2 Mr. Langford will play a show at local sushi emporium Two Stick. Get all the Langford you can while you can!

Scandalous Marriage to a Cement Tycoon

Today's New York Times has an obituary of a woman "who vaulted to fame after her scandalous marriage to a cement tycoon."

Of Gorce

"Sometimes the only thing in the world that doesn't bore me is listening to bores." Yes! All right! That's Sally Jay Gorce in THE DUD AVOCADO by Elaine Dundy. Makes me think of what Sun Ra said about peach pie. Also, Sally Jay's cousin blinks "like an owl," making THE DUD AVOCADO another book with an owl in it. I know you are disappointed because our last two books, DR. SAX and NORWOOD, had real owls in them, but sometimes you have to settle for an owl in a simile, kids. That's something you have to face as you go through life.

How Vic Talks on a Date

Here is a typical line from THE HUCKSTERS, our current Doomed Book Club selection: "'Vic,' she repeated, marveling at this stranger who seemed to know all her thoughts." You recall how everyone is marveling at Vic all the time. But here is how Vic talks on a date: "The sea is a fighter... It must hate the land with some baffled hysterical hate." That's Vic on a date!

Oh No I Didn't

Hey remember when Mack Sennett starred in the big Broadway hit PIFF! PAFF!! POUFF!!!? Well, I thought you would be interested to know that the very same play is referenced in the film THE SEVEN LITTLE FOYS. No I didn't. I really didn't think you'd be interested in that. And I guess you don't care that I once dated a Russian major who taught me a nursery rhyme about a rabbit who is shot by a hunter and comes back to life. It includes the lines, "Piff! Pouff! Oy yoy yoy!" I think that's the part where the rabbit gets shot.

Oatmeal Tips

Welcome once again to our hit feature "Oatmeal Tips." You know how I like a good obituary headline. It would be nice to have the phrase "rowed across oceans" in your obituary headline, the way this guy does in the New York Times today. Select lines from the obit (written by Margalit Fox) include "A professional astrologer, she is his only immediate survivor" and "At 9, he settled a dispute with a pistol... At 20, he attempted suicide-by-jaguar. Afterward he was apprenticed to a pirate" and "Desperate for female company, he talked ardently to the planet Venus." Jerry Lewis is back in the New York Times too - finally! - as Dave Kehr reviews three new video releases. He makes some of those big Jerry-based pronouncements I always love, calling the break-up with Dean, for example, "a national trauma in the 1950s, as well as a personal one." Elsewhere in the paper, A.O. Scott calls Bob Hope "hip" (!) and "paradigmatic" (!!) and Manohla Dargis mocks him for it. Oh, I suppose you are waiting for the oatmeal tip. Well, when that guy rowed across the ocean, his provisions included "Spam, oatmeal, brandy." Oatmeal! It will help you row across an ocean.

A Locked Drawer

"Click" here for a crazy little article about Charlie Chaplin, which includes the paragraph "Christopher Andrew, the official historian of MI5, told Reuters that there was also no evidence to support the more recent claim that Chaplin was born in a caravan in central England to a woman known as 'the Gypsy Queen,' as suggested in a letter sent to Chaplin a few years before his death in 1977 and discovered last year in a locked drawer of his bureau." You'll also notice the New York Times commenter who writes a limerick about practically everything in the New York Times. He's the bane of my existence! And yet if he went away I guess I'd miss him and anyway he's just doing his thing. He's not hurting anybody. Lay off!

Multiple Satin Clown Pants

Just watched the first few minutes of THE SEVEN LITTLE FOYS (directed by Mel Shavelson) dvr'd from TCM. I can feel you not caring! But a woman painted a smile on Bob Hope's face, saying, "Clowns should be happy... Now you can be sad, miserable, mean, horrible, whatever you wish. On the outside you are happy!" That makes THE SEVEN LITTLE FOYS another sad clown movie to add to our tally. Oh yeah? How do you spend your day? I got this image from a site where you can bid on Bob Hope's original clown pants from THE SEVEN LITTLE FOYS. See also. Here's part of the description: "The cream wool pants with multi-colored satin polka-dots comes complete with the original Paramount label sewn inside with 'Double Bob Hope' handwritten in faded blue ink. (due to there being complex action and fire during the sequence, Hope would have had multiple pants for filming)." I think what they're avoiding is that Bob Hope's double wore these clown pants. Still a great bargain!

Possum Face

Remember when that possum made that face at me? Now you can practically see it for yourself thanks to Dyna Moe and her "Hipster Animals." "Click" here.

Old Owl Face

Megan Abbott points out that Eddie Bracken is referred to on imdb as "the owl-faced comic actor." Now is that nice? (See also. Urgent!)

Horrible, Horrible Dreams

Why does Ace send me these things?

Shimmering Follicles, Velvet Pancakes

Megan Abbott reports of her copy of our current Doomed Book Club selection, "whenever you lift the book, turn a page, or look at it with a squinty eye, crumbling paper follicles shimmer off it, into your hands." The Hollywood producer who really exists has the same hardcover edition, "follicles and all," the cover of which he says "depicts a Fritz Lang-esque metro landscape with skyscraper against an orange sky. Chilling." Incidentally, he breakfasted this morning on "red and blue velvet pancakes." RED AND BLUE VELVET PANCAKES! That's how they do it in Hollywood, baby. The cover illustration of my mass-market paperback shows Vic Norman in his suspenders, with cigarette and black tousled hair, working hard on writing an ad in his private train compartment, despite a woman in a silk robe fiddling with the radio and trying to scooch up next to him.

The Smells Continue

You thought I was joking about Vic Norman's extraordinary sense of smell. Well, think again! He can even tell whose nightclub he's in by smelling it. "'Who owns it?' Vic sniffed the air. 'Frankie Powell?'" When this is confirmed, Vic continues: "I been in so many of these joints, I can smell the ownership. These retired racketeers keep changing the names, but they can't change the smell." Most of the rest of the book is various characters telling Vic Norman how amazing and incredible he is.

Phil Has a Real Job

Here is a picture of Phil holding up his copy of THE JAZZ SINGER starring Jerry Lewis. As you can see from the cover, Jerry appears to be a sad clown in this one (as usual), not a jazz singer. I wonder what's going on with that! Maybe you can be both! Like a volunteer fireman who is also an astronaut! In fact, "click" here for some evidence on the subject. Well, soon I will find out; my copy has also arrived. But I have forsworn "blogging" about it until Phil gets a chance to watch it, which may be a long time from now, because Phil has a real job, unlike the rest of us.

Ersatz Rory vs. The Zenorb

Elizabeth has been watching the shoe factory show (no longer about a shoe factory) so finally I have someone with whom to talk about it. We are upset by the budding romance between some creepy politician and ersatz Rory (pictured at the coffee shop where she used to work and they made her dress up like Bazooka Joe of bubble gum fame - with her mom, Lorelai Gilmore). "He's like a zenorb (made up word)," Elizabeth points out in reference to the creepy idealistic (?) politician. She's right! He is like a zenorb. And not to put disturbing imagery in your mind but he resembles a waxy, powdered corpse! SORRY. I decided to check "Google" to see whether anyone besides Elizabeth had made up the word zenorb by coincidence. There were plenty of matches for "zen orb" - I need to find out what a zen orb is! Sounds like a great gift idea - plus "Google" asked me "Did you mean zorb?" Ha ha ha! I love it when "Google" asks me things. No I did not mean zorb. ("Click" here for the real Rory building a house.)

Weeping Unicorn

"Click" here for chapter 10 of my sprawling fantasy epic, presented by the friendly folks at the Vice magazine. Just 990 chapters to go! If this were an old Marvel comic book instead of a chapter of my sprawling fantasy epic, there would be a splashy blurb on the cover reading "TODAY... A UNICORN WEEPS!"

This Guy Smells

Reading THE HUCKSTERS very slowly because not all the Doomed Book Club members have their copies yet. So far the hero goes around smelling everybody. First he smells the "rich smell" of New York City women: "the most beautiful, desirable women in the world." "Rich smell" made me think of gumbo! My secret Hollywood friend said it reminded him of Mitt Romney. I wonder whether those desirable women smelled more like gumbo or Mitt Romney. It doesn't matter. By the next page, he has moved on to smelling the guy who sells him a thirty-five dollar tie. The tie salesman smells too good and the book pauses for a dash of homophobia as the narrator reflects upon the implications of a good smelling man. By page 11 our protagonist is smelling the smell of his cushy new job: "He sniffed. 'What's that perfume smell? It's the same in all the offices.'" If my math is correct, this book should work out to be 25% smells! And with his rapid rise in the business world, I feel certain our man Vic Norman will soon be smelling potentates and kings! Ironically, Kelly Hogan's copy of THE HUCKSTERS smells like mildew. Is that irony? I never know.

Of

Here's a little something from the "front matter" of THE HUCKSTERS: "'I won't lure any woman into the same trap I'm in,' he told Jean... Jean of the bright red hair, and the thirty-dollar brassieres." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's the "of" that makes it funny. And the dramatic comma. As we know from the previous "post" the protagonist has a thirty-five dollar tie. This author is really interested in clothes that cost around thirty dollars.

The Toughest Old Tyrant Who Ever Sold Soap

Today was a great mail day! Nothing ever comes in the mail but today everything came in the mail. A magazine! A package of goodies from Kelly Hogan and maybe I will tell you about it sometime. A check for a short story I forgot I wrote! Plus an out-of-print mass-market paperback for the Doomed Book Club! It's a 1940s novel about the fast-paced world of advertising: THE HUCKSTERS by Frederic Wakeman. Here is part of what it says about our protagonist on the back: "He got a hand-painted tie at thirty-five bucks... And the respect of the toughest old tyrant who ever sold soap... He got Marguerite... and Connie... and glamorous red-headed Jean. He got everything a man could want... but he didn't know what he wanted. Not till he met Kay, cool, blonde, lovely Kay. Then he knew what he wanted but didn't know how to get it!"

Hay Movie

Far too seldom do we get to enjoy hay-based entertainment. Last night's viewing of FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD on TCM had plenty of hay to go around. Twice Alan Bates expresses his love for Julie Christie by saving her hay - once from fire and once from flood. Meanwhile, in the second instance, her no-good husband is sleeping in some other hay like a jerk. Now I would like to move on to corn. Julie Christie goes to the grain exchange - I guess that is what you call it - to buy some corn to plant. Some dude tries to sell her some inferior corn, but she is no sucker. She takes a handful of his crummy corn and cheerfully tosses it in the air, causing quite a little ruckus down at the old grain exchange. Peter Finch sees her tossing the corn - in fact, he sees her toss the corn in slow motion, which means that he is in love! Scorsese quotes extensively from this scene in CASINO, when Sharon Stone tosses the chips in the air with the same carefree demeanor in slow motion as De Niro watches from another angle and falls in love. I know you don't care! Leave me alone. I have some other interesting thoughts but I'm going to keep them to myself and then you'll be sorry.

Hot Tip

From Phil came the hot tip that the Jerry Lewis version of THE JAZZ SINGER is out on dvd as of Feb. 7. ORDER YOURS TODAY.

What Old Maniac

I guess it won't shock you to learn that DR. SAX, like all worthwhile books, has an owl in it: "What owls? hoos and voodoos in the midnight? What old maniac in white hair is come to pluck the rusty piano springs in a maze of midnight?" Those are great questions, Jack Kerouac! I am going to look into them and get right back to you. On another subject, I just happened to see the opening to Mike Huckabee's talk show on the Fox News channel and guess what? Tonight he is interviewing a ventriloquist's dummy! You think I am making that up yet I am not.

"Blog" Mail "Bag"

Time once again to dig into the "Blog" Mail "Bag." Email from Burke! Mostly filled with interesting things he says should not go on the "blog," but also a TV promo he has been meaning to tell me about for some time: "America's number one New Year's resolution is... REVENGE."

Jackie Treehorn

I am sorry to hear about Ben Gazzara. He did a lot of great things. Never gave him a fair shake on the "blog." Somehow always mentioned his lesser roles: the bad guy in ROAD HOUSE, that skit he did with Jerry Lewis, made-for-TV potboiler WHEN MICHAEL CALLS, etc. I'm sorry, Ben Gazzara.

Vampire Canon

Oh yeah and DR. SAX has a vampire in it, or several. So Kerouac wrote a vampire novel! I never knew. And Faulkner had that vampire script. "Twentieth-Century Dracula: Vampirism as Metaphor in Canonical American Authors." Somebody get to work on that. In DR. SAX, blood is a drug, and the vampires call it "B." Isn't that similar to the plot of the TV show TRUE BLOOD? I could walk in the other room and ask Dr. Theresa. I could.

Boom Boom Boom

For no reason I suddenly recalled a song that used to play on the radio when I was in the carpool on the way to elementary school and the chorus went chicka boom chicka boom don't you just love it, chicka boom chicka boom don't you just love it, chicka boom chicka boom don't you just love it, chicka boom chicka boom boom boom. Except on the first and third iteration it was "DON'T you just love it" and on the second it was "don't YOU just love it" because of the syncopation or something. And now I have just looked for the song on the "internet" and am pleased to be able to transcribe the opening verse for you, which I had forgotten, but now it is all coming back to me: "Last night I had a crazy dream/ About a chick in a black bikini/ She looked so good she couldn't be real/ She must have been a magic genie." Goodness there is so much to say! "What other kind of genie could there be?" is one thing to say. "Of course if she appeared in a dream she wasn't real," is another. And those are the only things to say.

Anthropoid Dogs Walking Erect

Rereading Charles Portis's NORWOOD for a class I am teaching. Like all great books, it has an owl in it. "That night a suicidal owl flew into the windshield but didn't break it and later they saw a house or a barn burning out in an open field." I guess you have been worried because it has been a long stretch since I have read a book with an owl in it. But now NORWOOD by Charles Portis can go on our big long interesting list of books with owls in them ("click" here to review). Here are Norwood and his betrothed enjoying some comic books: "She read about a miser duck called Uncle Scrooge, and his young duck nephews, whose adventures took place in a city where all the bystanders, the figures on the street, were anthropoid dogs walking erect. Norwood read about Superman and the double-breasted-suited Metropolis underworld. It was a kryptonite story and not a bad one." When he finishes his comic book, Norwood reflects on Superman's effectiveness in different media: "It looks all right when you're reading it. I didn't believe none of it on television." Rita Lee replies, "You're not supposed to really believe it." And Norwood says, "You're supposed to believe it a little bit. I didn't believe none of it." There's something great on every page! For instance, the sound of whippoorwills spurs these thoughts: "How did two certain birds get together? And then what?"

Analyzing McNeil

McNeil had a dream about "strike anywhere" matches. I analyzed it. I analyzed it real good!

Yes I Kiln

The LAFA SHOPPER came in the mail yesterday, or was it the day before? You know what the LAFA SHOPPER is: it's a thin local paper, free, mostly classified ads, and I love it. Past highlights include a story about a dead hog in the road and "Vacation Bible School Approaching Fast." Don't forget that actually very pretty piece about bitterweed. In this issue the editor is baffled because people keep sending him emails about kilns: "Do I have one? Do I need one? Can I find one? - et cetera," he summarizes. But he knows nothing about kilns. As he explains, "Throughout my life, I have seen or heard (or thought) the word 'kiln' MAYBE once every 10 years." (Caps his.) But at the end of the column he gives in. Okay, if you need a kiln, he knows where some kilns are. Get in touch. The editorial is entitled "Please, Kiln You Help?" Ha ha ha ha ha ha! And that is why I love the LAFA SHOPPER.