50 Ways to Love Your Lewis

Maybe you want to love Jerry but you don't know how! I have decided to help out the Encore movie channel by supplementing its day-long Jerry marathon and tonight's Jerry Lewis documentary with 50 "blog" "links" suited to various interests. Remember, these are JUST THE FIRST 50 WAYS TO LOVE JERRY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. They MAY NOT ALL BE RIGHT FOR YOU. Please feel free to browse among them, "clicking" away on your exciting search for YOUR OWN PERSONAL PATHWAY TO JERRY. 1. Read the great Jerry monograph by Chris Fujiwara. 2. Do you like Philip K. Dick? Well, Jerry Lewis appears in his EXEGESIS - which is ONLY HIS ECSTATIC VISION OF THE MEANING OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE! THAT'S ALL! 3. Speaking of authors, do you like authors? Maybe one of your fave authors has included Jerry Lewis in a book: Tom Franklin has! So have Don DeLillo, Lynda Barry, Lorrie Moore, Frederick Barthelme and many others! Classy! 4. Let's keep going with this author thing. How is Edgar Allan Poe like Jerry Lewis? "Click" here to find out! 5. Yeah, and what would Kierkegaard say about Jerry Lewis? 6. Maybe you are from the "dance world." Did you know that many highbrow choreographers turn to Jerry Lewis for inspiration? 7. Jerry thought Dean Martin smelled great! That's a nice detail. 8. Similarities between Jerry and the great Italian giallo director Mario Bava, if that's your thing. 9. A trusted method of immersing yourself in Jerryness. 10. Don't believe me? Take it from bestselling novelist Laura Lippman! 11. Don't believe Laura Lippman? Perhaps famed method actor Edward Norton is more to your taste. 12. Consider Jerry Lewis as the forefather of David Lynch. 13. Jonathan Rosenbaum knows a lot about movies and he LOVES Jerry Lewis! 14. Tough-to-please James Wolcott likewise! 15. When I was listing authors who have included Jerry in their work I forgot John Hodgman. 16. And Michael Kupperman! 17. For that matter, Jerry is in my novella JUNGLE GERONIMO IN GAY PAREE. 18. Jerry a hero to Michael Palin of the Monty Python comedy troupe. 19. Jerry an inspiration for the British version of THE OFFICE that everyone loves so much. 20. Jerry makes me think of the French painter Henri Rosseau. 21. McNeil's Theory of Potential Energy. 22. Do you like Godard? Well, Godard based some of his scenes on Jerry Lewis scenes. Like this and that. 23. Some maintain that 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY would have been better with Jerry in it. 24. Jerry's spectacular use of color. 25. How about that prescient scene in THE BELLBOY that anticipates Scorsese's THE KING OF COMEDY? 26. The Cinderfella dance! 27. Jerry frequently appears in THE BELIEVER magazine. 28. I intuit a connection between Jerry and J.D. Salinger. 29. And supposedly Salinger considered Jerry to direct the movie version of CATCHER IN THE RYE, maybe! I said maybe! 30. Jerry's influence on GOODFELLAS. You like GOODFELLAS! 31. Jon Stewart of the popular DAILY SHOW often does Jerry Lewis impressions, but if he is too hep for your taste, crusty David Letterman also impersonates Jerry from time to time. 32. Speaking of which, maybe you should watch lots of Jerry Lewis so you can practice the fun habit of saying things like Jerry Lewis. It's fun! 33. Even nature itself aspires to sound like Jerry Lewis. 34. Do you like singing? Jerry Lewis is a good singer! I guess he can do it all. 35. Maybe you identify with Jerry's world-weary attitude. 36. He hung out in a diner with Marilyn Monroe, so that's cool! 37. Blair Hobbs detects an aesthetic kinship between Jerry and the photographer William Eggleston. 38. Jerry inspired Bruce Springsteen. That's right, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! 39. Think of Jerry as a poet. 40. Need a dissertation topic? How about "Medical Ethics in the Films of Jerry Lewis"? You're welcome! 41. In a hilarious practical joke, Jerry ruined Dick van Dyke's meeting with the queen! 42. Jerry was instrumental in getting the great Stan Laurel his honorary Oscar. 43. Jerry is handsome! 44. Maybe you are a "conspiracy theory buff." Well, for real the CIA tampered with one of Jerry's movies. Brood on that for a while! 45. Maybe you're an animal lover. Well, Jerry bought a hearing aid for his dog! 46. Jerry is subversive! 47. Quentin Tarantino + Jerry Lewis = True Love 4ever. 48. When everybody was dumping on Arthur Penn's BONNIE AND CLYDE, Jerry was one of the first to proclaim its greatness. 49. Does he irritate you and make you uncomfortable? MAYBE THAT'S JUST WHAT JERRY WANTS! 50. For example, he once stuck his nose in Frank Sinatra's eye.

Fave Clown Flavor

Both Ace Atkins and Brian Z. have kindly written to remind me about the BIG NEW JERRY LEWIS DOCUMENTARY coming on the Encore movie channel TONIGHT. PLUS THEY ARE RUNNING JERRY MOVIES ALL DAY. Time for your immersion therapy! Brian Z. included this "link" to a NEW YORKER article about Jerry, which says that the documentary "unfolds the pathos of the comic performer, which emerges from his ability (and need) to plumb depths of his being that would remain closed to him but for the chaos of comedy." Wow! That's deep! And it has sad clown all over it, my favorite clown flavor.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 17, 2011

Today's treat.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 16, 2011

Here we are again.

Grog Quaffing

"The handsome brigand quaffed his grog from a tankard of marvelous heft." Chapter Two of my sprawling fantasy epic is "up." Oh, it's really starting to sprawl. Mark Childress claims it sprawled all over his floor.

Pillow Vigilante

I never get tired of telling you about my trouble sleeping. Ironically! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, is that ironic? Who cares? So last night I watched some of the pillow infomercial again. This time a guy from the studio audience got up and told the pillow genius, "I met you at the State Fair last year." And the pillow guy was like, "I remember." And the studio audience member said, "I didn't even know I was looking for a pillow. You saw me and said, 'I need to talk to you.'" There are so many things I love about this story! The hero of the pillow commercial is some kind of pillow evangelist, going around the country with a van full of pillows or something, helping people in need! Plus he has the super power of magically telling WHO NEEDS A PILLOW! Then I switched over to an informercial in which a guy was trying to sell me a public domain book from 1925. So that's crazy! It's all about the secret of getting rich, which explains why everyone since 1925 has been rich and nothing bad happened economically EXCEPT THE GREAT DEPRESSION FOR STARTERS. The book was written by somebody named Napoleon Hill (!), but "The Napoleon Hill Society" says that this scamming TV dude's version of the book is nothing but a BIG RIP-OFF. PS One of the secrets of getting rich is having "A Pleasing Personality." I should try that! PPS I see on the twitter that Kelly Hogan had insomnia last night, too. She watched TURNER & HOOCH.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 15, 2011

Every day a new surprise here at the "blog" advent calendar. Today's surprise was inspired by Dent May. To find out what it is, "click" here.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 14, 2011

Open it up!

Sapphire People

Last night when I couldn't sleep I turned on the Gem Shopping Network, but my favorite Gem Shopping Network personality Tracey was not there. It was some guy who was the opposite of Tracey, YELLING at and BERATING the home audience. When I flipped to the channel, he was yelling "SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!" because no one would call in to bid on this sapphire he really liked. He yelled "THIS SAPPHIRE IS NUTS! THIS SAPPHIRE IS NUTS!" And then he swore that if no one bid on it, he would punish us all by never selling us another sapphire again no matter how much we begged him. Finally it was time to stop selling the sapphire and he put it away, saying in a voice dripping with disgust, "Obviously, we don't have any sapphire people watching."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 13, 2011

Here.

I Like Sentences

Here is a sentence I like from Gershom Scholem: "Symbols express in human speech that which is properly inexpressible."

We Report, You Decide!

In SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH, Gershom Scholem writes that "the ouroboros, the circular serpent biting its own tail... is one of the best-known symbols of the unity and eternal renewal of life," but in THAT IS ALL, John Hodgman says it is "just a picture of a really dumb snake."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 12, 2011

It might be anything!

Mumps Monkey

You know I am not morbid, but I do enjoy a good obituary headline. Like, in today's New York Times there is an obituary for a reporter who "Brought Down [a] Scheming Texas Tycoon." That's a good thing to have in your obituary headline! And that obituary has a good sentence in it, too, which I will give you out of context: "A monkey climbed the trees until he got mumps."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 11, 2011

Here you go.

Deadly Rainbows of Science

McNeil sent me an article about scientists creating rainbows in a laboratory but I don't have time to tell you about it because I'm grading papers. PS The rainbows aren't deadly - I just put that in the headline to make it more dynamic.

Oh Brother!

The New York Times gossip columnist is up to her old antics again. Here is some of a party conversation she supposedly had: "People are obsessed with death. They approach it like a moth approaches a flame." Party! There's also a Samuel Beckett reference and it all starts like this: "Lantern-bearers led the crowd through the darkened streets of Fort Greene, Brooklyn, on Tuesday night to a lavish dinner..." Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Lantern-bearers. Oh my.

Bill Boyle Dressed as an Owl

Also, here is Bill Boyle dressed as an owl for the Oxford Christmas parade, natch. Hint: his wife works for the Audubon Society!

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 10, 2011

Your surprise for today.

The Promised Disappointing Photo of George Hamilton

This is the promised disappointing photo of George Hamilton, which doesn't live up to the exciting way I described it. But he IS squinting in a somewhat angry way as he sips his iced tea... isn't he?

Old-Timey Taxi Cab Palace

Kent Osborne - who lives in Los Angeles just like my brother - sends in this second photo of a second old-timey taxi from the Sean Penn movie they are shooting next to my brother's place. Wow, this movie is going to be packed to the brim with old-timey taxis. And soon my "blog" will be THE place on the "internet" for modern-day photos of old-timey taxis! That's always been my goal. Meanwhile, my brother reports that Sean Penn was in a movie shoot-out last night. My brother took some video of it but I can't figure out how to download it because I'm an old idiot, to no one's surprise. Here's what my brother says the movie is about: "it's the 'true story' of some cops in the 40s fighting gangsters... and NOT by the book! These fellas know how to bend the rules, see?"

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 9, 2011

Enjoy.

Hipster Chimp Shoot

Mr. Ward writes to remind me that the time we saw George Hamilton eating lunch we were in Los Angeles for our "hipster chimp shoot." Don't ask. Okay, I will tell you. I think you could win a lot of awful pizza by watching SAVED BY THE BELL. So Mr. Ward and I made this contest spot featuring various tattooed youngsters having a swinging dance party on a helicopter pad on the roof of a downtown office building with their baby chimp sidekick, just like in real life. I forgot to tell you, our main hipster character LIVED on the roof of the building, apparently. He had a couch and a lamp and a TV set up there and everything. We dollied in a hipster angel who threw glitter and I am pretty sure she fell off the dolly and sued TBS. FUN FACT: It is cold and windy on a helicopter pad, and your teeth will chatter and you will shiver and shake, yet the sun will fry and burn your delicate flesh and poison your very blood! They finally had to wrap me in a blanket. It was very sad. Mr. Ward found the George Hamilton photo but he didn't send it in a format I could download here. While we wait, I will just warn you that it is completely disappointing.

Check Out the Dragon's Hump

The good (?) people at VICE magazine are serializing my sprawling fantasy epic THE DRAGON'S HUMP, book eleven in my beloved BRIGANDS OF THE BOG series (named by my brother-in-law David). Check it out.

Radio Needs Money

Citizens of Oxford! Be sure to come out to the Lyric Theater this very eve at Six of the Clock for a holiday-themed Thacker Mountain Radio fundraiser. Both Dr. Theresa and I will be reading. Dr. Theresa will present a touching memory of Christmas in Egypt. I will do something wildly inappropriate. Arguably! Also there will be music and fun. And all it costs is a great deal of your money.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 8, 2011

I certainly hope you have been checking in here for a glimpse of the "blog" advent calendar every single day! Always a new surprise.

Sizzling Celebrity Gossip

Welcome once again to "Sizzling Celebrity Gossip," your one place on the "internet" to enjoy the kind of gossip about celebrities that sizzles! ITEM! A Sean Penn movie is being shot in my brother's neighborhood. It must take place in 1948 because they put up this poster of RED RIVER at the movie theater, and hey, get a load of this old-timey taxi (below)! What's that? You say that you don't consider an old-timey taxi to be sizzling celebrity gossip? Shut up, jerk! My brother is going to look out of his window a lot and tell me all the sizzling celebrity gossip that happens and then you'll be sorry.

Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner 7

Speaking of Mr. Ward, you will be glad to hear that it is time for another edition of "Mr. Ward's Presidential Korner." Today Mr. Ward sends us a video clip ("click" here) of an actual witness to the Lincoln assassination appearing as a contestant on a TV game show. He's a little shaky. As the host explains, "By golly, he got to the hotel and fell down the steps and gave himself a shiner." (To see John Cage on another episode of the same game show, "click" here. Game shows used to be different!)

My Much Anticipated George Hamilton Considerations

Just turned on TCM and saw George Hamilton playing Moss Hart. And I thought, "Huh, George Hamilton starred in biopics as Moss Hart and Hank Williams. That's weird." And then I kept thinking. I thought, "To whom will this be of interest? No one! Therefore, I will put it on my 'blog.'" And then, dear reader, I kept thinking about George Hamilton. I thought about all the brand-name top-shelf directors he has worked with, such as Vincent Minnelli, Woody Allen, and Francis Ford Coppola. In the latter case, I have always wondered whether there might have been a touch of vengefulness in the casting. Like, Francis Ford Coppola was thinking, "Oh yeah, Robert Duvall? You're not coming back for GODFATHER III? I'll get GEORGE HAMILTON to replace you and see how you like that!" Nor did my thinking about George Hamilton end there. I recalled a time that Mr. Ward and I were in Los Angeles, and for some reason the rental place had issued us a creepy van instead of a normal car. We were driving down Sunset Boulevard when we spied George Hamilton eating at a sidewalk café. So we turned the van around and parked on the street right in front of him and started yelling out the window: "George Hamilton! Hey! George Hamilton!" When he looked up, Mr. Ward took a picture of him and sped away. George Hamilton was mad! I wonder if Mr. Ward still has that picture; after all, he still has the picture of the Foster Brooks robot.

Some Blurb

So here's part of Cynthia Ozick's blurb for SABBATAI SEVI: THE MYSTICAL MESSIAH by Gershom Scholem: "There are certain magisterial works of the human mind that alter comprehension so unpredictably and on so prodigious a scale that culture itself is set awry... Obviously it is not possible to 'review' such a work, any more than one can review a mountain range." All right! That's all I want from a blurb. Is that too much to ask?

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 7, 2011

Your daily advent calendar surprise.

Frasier, Briefly

So I was eating a sandwich today while a rerun of CHEERS was on and Carla told Frasier that a bee had crawled into his shirt. So FRASIER IMMEDIATELY TORE OFF HIS SHIRT. So Frasier was doing that way back on CHEERS before it became a leitmotif on his eponymous show. By the way, Carla was just messing with him. There was no bee in Frasier's shirt. This has been another edition of "Frasier, Briefly."

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 6, 2011

Hi.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 5, 2011

Today's surprise.

A Fond Farewell

And so we wish you a fond farewell on behalf of all the good folks at SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine. Until next time, keep your shirt on! Photos by Rachel Smith.

Addressing the Controversy!

There is no controversy. Tom Franklin was the winner of the SKIN MAG poetry contest. Yes, he is married to Beth Ann Fennelly, who did President's Challenge push-ups alongside SKIN MAG! So what? SKIN MAG cares not for your small-minded propriety. Still, contest judge Gary Short HAD NO IDEA who the contestants were. And in fact, when you think about it, what does Tom Franklin get out of this? Part of the big "prize" was being mentioned on this "blog," WHERE AN ENTIRE SECTION IS ALREADY DEVOTED TO HIM. It's all just sad if you really think about it. Look, SKIN MAG operates by word of mouth. When I suggested to SKIN MAG that SKIN MAG should have a "web" site, SKIN MAG replied, "NO 'WEB' SITE!" in a startled and offended tone. So maybe as word gets around about SKIN MAG, there will be a greater number of contestants who are not Tom Franklin. Submissions for the next issue of SKIN MAG will occur around "the solstice," says SKIN MAG ominously. Pictured, from left: SKIN MAG, judge, "blogger," contest winner, push-up doer.

How Poetry Works

Here we see poet Ann Fisher-Wirth applying the title of the winning poem to SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine. Below, SKIN MAG attempts to destroy the original copy of the poem through the medium of fire. But poetry refuses to be destroyed!

The President's Challenge

This is part three of our continuing coverage of SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine. If you need to catch up, please "click" here for part one or here for part two. Pictured: SKIN MAG scampering away down the sidewalk from the City Grocery Bar (not pictured). That extra set of legs? Why, they belong to none other than poet Beth Ann Fennelly, who accompanied SKIN MAG to the preordained spot for a series of President's Challenge push-ups. Reports say that Fennelly did 20 President's Challenge push-ups in a grand show of moral support. It is assumed that SKIN MAG went on to complete the promised number of 55.

Anybody Home?

Still waiting to hear whether I am allowed to show poet Ann Fisher-Wirth printing the contents of SKIN MAG in lipstick directly onto the medium. It may violate SKIN MAG's strict rule about reproduction! Reportedly, when SKIN MAG was read at Faulkner's grave (the culmination of its "publication"), latecomers asked if the poem could be repeated, and SKIN MAG replied, "No. It will never be uttered again." (To that end, Ann's husband Peter was not allowed to view the printing. Known for his prodigious memory, he once performed the entirety of KRAPP'S LAST TAPE for one of Barry Hannah's classes. The utter obliteration required by SKIN MAG could not be complete had the poem been allowed to live on in the amazing brain of Peter Wirth.) In the meantime, here is SKIN MAG discovering that Faulkner's house was closed to visitors by the time SKIN MAG arrived. So the planned shirtless tour did not happen! The next part of the plan did, though: SKIN MAG perpetrated a classic "ding-dong ditch" prank at the home of famed novelist Richard Ford. As the house did not appear to have a doorbell, SKIN MAG was required to bang frantically with a knocker before running away. Witnesses stated that a tall figure could be seen moving behind a window, and suddenly the front porch blazed with light. What happened next, nobody knows. SKIN MAG had vanished mysteriously into the gathering gloom.

Trash Pillows

While I am waiting, I will tell you about an infomercial I watched in the wee hours while I couldn't sleep. It was for a revolutionary new pillow that looks exactly like a pillow. ORDINARY PILLOWS SIMPLY DON'T WORK, the graphics kept proclaiming. Maybe they're right! I was awake! I think it is kind of clever when they run the "can't sleep" infomercials during the hours when people should be sleeping. Dr. Theresa's fave moment - that's right! She noticed I wasn't in bed and got up and joined me for a spell - came when an interview subject said, "The pillows you buy at the market are just trash, really." I liked the "neurologist" who couldn't help grinning broadly and even laughing every time he tried to make an outlandish, straight-faced claim about the pillow. It was his "tell," I think! The woman who hosted the infomercial had the appearance and mannerisms of Michelle Bachmann. She tried to tell a moving story about her little daughter saying she had become a better mommy since purchasing the pillow. I think she tried to tear up or choke up or something while she told it BUT IT DIDN'T WORK. She couldn't make herself go through with it.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 4, 2011

I am waiting to hear whether a photo I want to "post" would violate the stringent rules of SKIN MAG literary magazine. In the meantime, don't worry! I haven't forgotten the "blog" advent calendar. You may "click" here to enjoy today's selection.

Human Magazine Strips For Art

"This is for poetry all over the world!" he shouted from the balcony of City Grocery Bar. With that, SKIN MAG, the human literary magazine, ripped off his shirt and tossed it to the clamoring throng on the sidewalk below. The discarded garment landed in a trash can, from whence it was plucked by courageous young Bill Boyle, an avowed SKIN MAG fan. SKIN MAG - the contents of its first issue printed on its back in lipstick - sprinted through the bar, down the stairs, and out into the streets, off for a life of adventure and fun. Throughout the day, if I am not too tired, I will recount more tidbits from the first issue "publication" of SKIN MAG... its triumphs, its disasters, its legendary feats of derring-do. The "blog" has not seen this kind of continuing narrative since my brother went to Michael Jackson's memorial service! Now I am getting tired just thinking about it. SKIN MAG! (Above, SKIN MAG prepares for publication.)

Music Issue

I can't sell you the annual music issue of THE OXFORD AMERICAN magazine with accompanying CD. It sells itself! The most I can do each year is list JUST A FEW of the musicians and "liner note" writers of "blog" interest, or "blinterest," who pop up. So here we are again. MUSICIANS: Wadada Leo Smith (article written by my neighbor Mr. Lonesome)! Bo Diddley! Syl Johnson! Guitar Slim! Milton Babbitt! All right! You get the picture. Anyway, the biggest treat every year is discovering performers you haven't heard of. WRITERS: My fellow BELIEVER columnist and very special facebook friend Nick Hornby! Benjamin Percy! Ben Greenman! Roy Blount Jr.! William Gay! Sandra Beasley! Rosanne Cash! Kevin Brockmeier! Peter Guralnick! Nicholas Rombes! Natalie Elliott! Jamie Quatro! Sheila Heti! Okay my typing fingers are giving out.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 3, 2011

Here.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 2, 2011

Here you go.

"Blog" Advent Calendar for Dec. 1, 2011

Gee! I nearly forgot that today is the day we kick off - for the fifth year in a row! - that happy brainchild of Dr. "M.": The "Blog" Advent Calendar! If you would like a refresher course on how it works, please "click" here. Otherwise, to begin enjoying this year's excitement, simply "click" here. Could be anything!

Legit!

Just a couple of days from the inaugural issue of SKIN MAG. Don't worry! It's not a "racy" publication! It's some guy with his shirt off, and he runs around Oxford with YOUR POEM written on his back in lipstick. So maybe it is kind of "racy." No, this isn't some koo koo make-em-up I'm pulling your leg with in funny land! It's a real poetry contest. And part of the dubious "prize" is that the name of the winner appears on this "blog" on Dec. 4. To quote from the official rules of the contest (it's too late to enter now, sorry!): "Record of the winning writer and poem will be archived for record’s sake, but the poem will not be printed, distributed online, or photographed by Skin Mag or anyone affiliated with the publication. No monetary 'reward' will be given." Plans for Dec. 3 include drinks for the poem's "medium" at City Grocery Bar, "fifty-five 'President Challenge' pushups" and a shirtless tour of Faulkner's house. That's not all! There's also plenty of grave desecration, just for starters! I guess you'll have to wait for the "blog" on Dec. 4 to find out more. The contest is being judged by legit poet Gary Short. Rumor has it that legit poet Beth Ann Fennelly will jog along with the poem for at least part of its route. Legit! This event has almost TOO MUCH legitimacy if you ask me.

A Patron of the Owl Shop

You recall my best and only piece of advice as a "writing teacher": "Put an owl in it!" Yes, an owl adds a lively dash of pizzazz to any piece of serious literature. Of course, John Hodgman doesn't need me to tell him! In his new book THAT IS ALL we meet "Mister Slither, a Patron of the Owl Shop." Of Mister Slither I can say no more.

Pigs Fly

I think I still miss Sam Sifton. The restaurant reviewer who took over for him in the New York Times gives a great review to a Greenwich Village restaurant where he ate "a half-pound of deep-fried bacon" and a fish skeleton. The butter there has been subjected to "notions of controlled spoilage." As Sam Sifton would have, Mr. Asimov compels me think of this as a good thing. But I'm afraid Sam Sifton would have made me hungrier for a fish skeleton. It is surprisingly hard to find an image of Sylvester the Cat eating a fish skeleton, so here is Tweety in a sandwich. I find myself thinking - perhaps unfairly - about how gawker, for example, would frame a story featuring carnival-goers, for example, eating "a half-pound of deep-fried bacon" in Mississippi, for example, as opposed to a restaurant critic doing the same in Greenwich Village. Related: John T. Edge - also in today's paper - on "Pig Wings."

One Thing

One thing I forgot to mention: when Radical Jack hid under the bed it reminded me of when Roger Moore scampered into his bedroom and propped a little chair under his doorknob.

We Weren't the Boss

Hey, yeah, well, Mr. Ward and I were once charged with making a WHO'S THE BOSS promo for TBS but soon we realized there was nothing to say about WHO'S THE BOSS. So we "remixed" some footage from the show and the whole promo turned out to be video "sampling" and "scratching" - you know, like Tony Danza wouldn't just shout "Mona!" He'd go, "Mo-mo-mo-m-m-m-m-Mona!" in an exciting rhythmic way as he jerked back and forth through the magic of editing. So we turned in our promo and a roomful of dour executives contemplated it dourly before telling us we had committed the greatest atrocity in the history of humankind. The promo never aired, due to how mind-blowing it was. It might have hurt people! Well, friends, I want to tell you that I just saw a 30 ROCK promo on Comedy Central THAT UTILIZES OUR EXACT TECHNIQUE! I am not saying that our WHO'S THE BOSS promo was any good. I am just saying that we were UNRECOGNIZED GENIUSES, almost decades ahead of our time. ALMOST DECADES! How can I truly explain our astonishing innovations to you? Well, they were something like this:

Ken Russell Died

I don't like to mention it when someone dies but Ken Russell died and I guess I should mention it because he made a movie called LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM, a personal "fave" of Dr. Theresa's and mine. I associate it with our old dating days. So long, Ken Russell, you crazy old weirdo! You're all right.

There's Something About Vipers

Here's a line of dialogue from the most recent episode of the TV show REVENGE: "As you have been warned, revenge is a stony path." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Also, something about vipers. Plus, the Jess character wears some clothes that resemble a gentleman's bathing attire from 1910.

Regality!

In today's New York Times, some choreographers are inspired by Jerry Lewis. It will not surprise you to learn that this is not the first time a choreographer interviewed in the New York Times has been inspired by Jerry Lewis. See? Jerry is classy like I keep telling you. Gosh, but sometimes I wonder what appalling insecurity keeps me scouring "higher culture" for Jerry justifications to pass along to you. Jerry is his own justification! "The subject matter is primal: matters of birth, death, grief, mourning and the gods," as one choreographer describes the dance. So, naturally, Jerry Lewis! "Jerry Lewis's and Elvis Presley's self-created regality" - that's what they were going for, these choreographers in the New York Times. (See also and also.)

Thwarted Nemesis/Galvanic!

What comes on at three in the morning, you ask? I will tell you what comes on at three in the morning: an action movie called RADICAL JACK. In the portion I saw, Radical Jack's nemesis is looking for him, so Radical Jack (Billy Ray Cyrus [!]) hides under a bed. Radical Jack's thwarted nemesis goes back and reports to the big crime boss, the kind of chief bad guy who seems to run the whole town, like Ben Gazzara in ROAD HOUSE, I think - didn't he run a town? I remember he had a polar bear in his house, which is a pretty good sign that you are running the town. In any case, RADICAL JACK seemed to be going for a ROAD HOUSE vibe from the little I saw of it. So the guy says to the crime boss, "He [Radical Jack] has definitely left town. We looked everywhere for him!" And the viewer is led to think, EXCEPT UNDER THE BED! Then the crime boss says of Radical Jack, "Even the CIA hasn't been able to find this guy for the past five years." And the viewer thinks, BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LOOK UNDER THE BED! Radical Jack's love interest is played by Dedee Pfeiffer. I wondered if she might be Michelle Pfeiffer's less successful sister, so I checked the "internet" and the "internet" told me yes. In conclusion, I have been leafing through Stephen Sondheim's new book LOOK, I MADE A HAT. Mr. Sondheim writes, "Of all forms of contemporary pop music, rap is the closest to traditional musical theater." Later he calls the "Rock Island" number from THE MUSIC MAN "startling and galvanic... it is in fact the forerunner of rap." That has nothing to do with what I was talking about, but it is interesting and I thought I'd cram it in there for you anyway.

A Jerry Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I am most thankful that Jerry Lewis appears in another book I am reading - in this case, THAT IS ALL by John Hodgman. Jerry purchases the "silver brain cup" that up until that moment has been keeping Benjamin Franklin immortal, in case you were wondering.

Kangaroos

In John Hodgman's new book THAT IS ALL (note to the government: I paid for it myself!), he explains wine: "if you drink a glass of red wine every day, you will become immortal! And also you will start to look like Francis Ford Coppola." White wine: "you feel like you are licking wooden furniture made out of headaches." How to pick wine: "Does the label have a kangaroo on it? GOOD. Does it have a quirky picture of the winemaker's dog on it, and is it named for that crazy, funny, ugly dog? Even better." Speaking of kangaroos, I watched the PBS documentary about Woody Allen. It features clips of some early TV appearances in which Woody Allen boxes an actual kangaroo and sings to a poodle. That is reality! In conclusion, Hodgman does not mention the horrible chocolate wine.

A Bitterant

We went to Walmart. Dr. Theresa gave me an assignment, which was to pick up one thing then go to the magazine and book section so she could find me. The thing I picked up is called "Ultra Duster - Industrial Strength." On the receipt it appears as "CANNED AIR," which I like. The front of the can proclaims that it is good for "Offices - Factories - Automobiles." But on the side of the can, in much smaller print, is a long list of other things you can dust with the Ultra Duster. The list starts with "Computers * Keyboards * Sewing Machines" and includes "Electric Razors" and "Guns." But then they run out of room on the side of the can, so the side of the can directs you to a "web" site with more examples of things you can dust with the Ultra Duster. The can also says, "Contains a bitterant to help discourage inhalant abuse." A bitterant! I am pretty sure I did not know that word before. So I waited for Dr. Theresa in the book and magazine aisle, leafing through Diane Keaton's autobiography. I only had time to read that she was on the TV show MANNIX when she was young, and that Mannix was really nice to her because she was nervous, and I guess she still keeps in touch with him! She writes that he is 86 and "going strong" (that's how she puts it, I believe) and still married to his wife Mary Lou. DVDs were next to the books and magazines and an employee was just PUNCHING and SLAMMING DVDs into a display one at a time with mighty and violent and punishing force, as if there were nothing so disgusting as a DVD. Like SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! Then a shrieking alarm went off somewhere in the store and just kept going. A guy was pushing a shopping cart and talking to himself but he probably had his reasons.

Shag-Haired Devils

I like this description by Frances Yates of early productions of DOCTOR FAUSTUS: "Shag-haired devils with squibs in their mouths ran roaring over the stage." She says the special effects were so terrifying that the rumor went around "there had been a visible apparition of the Devil" during one performance.

Face Too Large

Just reading about Bruckner in my funny old "Milton Cross' Encyclopedia of the Great Composers and Their Music." Lots of stuff like "There was something both ludicrous and revolting about him physically. His face was too large for the body... he walked in the streets of Vienna - his ugly face tense, his eyes gleaming... Awkward and boorish in social behavior... he often encouraged intolerant gibes... perpetual self-debasement... he often made himself a ridiculous figure... the girl soon tired of the old, eccentric man and before long would not answer his passionate letters... his lifelong search for the woman to share his life was never successful." Hey! Milton Cross! Lay off, dude.

What Killed Benny

Megan Abbott sent me this video ("click" here) of Joey Heatherton performing a song including the lines "Look what they've done to my brain/ Picked it like a chicken bone" (!). Naturally, I dispatched it to Phil Oppenheim for analysis right away. Noting that it apparently comes from a Jack Benny TV special, Phil asked, possibly rhetorically, "Is that what killed Benny?" I also came across a video of Raquel Welch singing "Bang Bang," adorned with the usual youtube comments seething with barely concealed nostalgia-fueled rage. "Is there anything more inspiring for a man than a woman?" one commenter wistfully asks. FULL DISCLOSURE: I vaguely recall that when I was a kid I had a copy of this song (not the Joey Heatherton version!), maybe on the B side of a 45. But I have no recollection of the part about somebody picking somebody's brain like a chicken bone.

Mark Twain Yeti Time

I am always astonished when someone mentions Professor Irwin Corey, as is well established here. But somehow I was not astonished when Mark Twain was compared to Professor Irwin Corey in Michael Kupperman's new book, which has everything a boy could want, including Mark Twain on the track of the elusive yeti! "Fifteen days out into the mountains we struck gold - or rather scat, Yeti scat (poos)... I fortified myself with brandy and continued bellowing. 'I can stay here all day, stupid cold weather monkey!'... 'I've got your favorite candy here,' I continued, switching tactics." Albert Einstein is a major supporting player in the book (he and Twain open a detective agency, natch) and somehow it behooves me to remind everyone that in real life for really real, Einstein's granddaughter married a renowned bigfoot hunter. That is a fact you can look up on your computer! (Pictured, Mr. Kupperman in character with Chewbacca, which seems close enough.) PS (of interest only to Laura Lippman): Mark Twain goes to a disco with Shields and Yarnell.

The Moment the Cheese Disappeared

I am not sure why I am so fond of the high drama in this paragraph from an article in today's New York Times: "Jerry Leventhal, an actor and playwright, described the moment the cheese disappeared. 'A woman was putting cheese on a cracker,' he said. Joe Petrsoric, a longtime bartender, 'came along and said, "I’m sorry," and took it away.'"

Human-Size Ant Wife

Michael Kupperman's new book also contains ghosts, wizards, Samuel Beckett, J. Edgar Hoover, a fist fight in outer space, "Make me your human-size ant wife." (See also.) Oh, and a terrible Cyrano de Bergerac: "Tell her you like her legs and her nose, and most of the bits in between, you like 'em lots."

This Book Has It All

Not only does MARK TWAIN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY 1910-2010 by Michael Kupperman have an owl in it, it has Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis in it - in the same chapter featuring a chimpanzee who conks Twain on the head with a mallet. Just ten chapters later: "I was 132 years old and my knee was hurting a bit... But I didn't realize what I was letting myself in for when I went to see Doctor Swami Volcano Rabbit. 'You should do acid, it's groovy,' he told me. I swallowed the pill he gave me without question; after all, he was a doctor, wasn't he? (It turned out he wasn't.)" Plus donuts!

To Do

On the agenda for today: walk down to Square Books, check the index of Diane Keaton's new autobiography for Jerry Lewis references. Ah, it's a full life. PS My friend from "She Blogged By Night" has been on a Neil Diamond kick lately, and is thus surrounded by scholarly tomes about Neil Diamond. As a favor, she has checked the indices of her Neil Diamond books for Jerry Lewis references and sadly reports that there are none. I find this highly suspicious! After all, both Neil Diamond and Jerry Lewis starred in remakes of THE JAZZ SINGER. And yes, in 11th grade I took a date to the Neil Diamond remake of THE JAZZ SINGER. Why must you torment me with these irrelevant questions about my personal life? If you want to see a movie starring Sir Laurence Olivier, Lucille Ball's daughter, and Neil Diamond, I guess this is probably the movie for you. I'm sorry. So, listen! One of my friend's Neil Diamond books has Danny Thomas (also the star of a JAZZ SINGER remake) in the index, but not Jerry Lewis. Danny Thomas but not Jerry Lewis! Highly suspicious.

And Another Thing

Hey! It is almost time for the television program REVENGE. A while back I thought of another way in which the sullen yet sentimental bartender on REVENGE is an exact plagiarism of Luke from GILMORE GIRLS, but I didn't want to bore you. But now I want to bore you. There were dramatic subplots about each man selling his boat. There. Shut up.

Lovable Owl

MARK TWAIN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY 1910-2010 by Michael Kupperman earns a coveted spot on our list of books with owls in them. In Kupperman's version, Mark Twain works on the screenplay of THE MALTESE FALCON for Warner Brothers and makes some improvements, "turning the falcon into a lovable owl."

Foodstuffs!

Welcome once again to "Foodstuffs!" - the only place on the "internet" that discusses food. So Kelly Hogan was recently in our old neighborhood, now my sister's current neighborhood, which was near Kelly Hogan's old neighborhood. Got that straight? Go back and study it until you understand it! Okay. So I asked Hogan whether she had been to the fancy hot dog place that my sister says has just opened up in the old neighborhood. Hogan said no, that the fancy hot dog place is "all slick and gun-metal grey and Logan's Run-looking and it's called HD for haute dog -- whoa. I only ate at Manuel's once (a life-saving perfect patty melt at midnight) and Majestic twice (found three hairs in my grits and I pulled 'em out and ate [the grits] anyway.)" My sister reports that she has not been to the fancy hot dog place either. She has heard you don't get much food for your money. More reports on the fancy hot dog place as they come in! FASCINATING SIDE NOTE: The "blog's" previous mention of LOGAN'S RUN, just like this one, was hot-dog related! (See also.)

Frasier, Briefly

Welcome once again to "Frasier, Briefly." At last! It's the "Frasier, Briefly" segment all you "Frasier, Briefly" fans have been waiting for. Noted pop singer and Frasier expert Kelly Hogan weighs in on BOSS, the new show where Frasier is the mayor of Chicago. WARNING: Contains several spoilers and distasteful subject matter! Let's turn it over to Hogan: "I find it to be like a weird 'balsamic reduction' as in a richer more intense version of Frasier's darker tendencies... putting severed ears (from a fancy gift box!!!) in the disposal instead of flushing them down the toilet or tossing them in the alley or feeding them to a passing dog. then when the disposal jams he calls the plumber instead of solving his own problem! totally Frasier. then the whole thing with his pee-soaked sheets and not knowing how to work the fancy washing machine -- of course! because DAPHNE usually does all the laundry! the whole proud Luddite 'ha ha it's like the 80's in here' thing about having all the VHS tapes in his office -- such a Frasier way: proud to be ye olde timey 'i love opera and sherry and squash!' the game not the vegetable. p.s. I don't think we've seen his chest yet."

Daily Jerry Index Check

As you know, my main occupation is standing around in Square Books, checking the index of every new celebrity bio for mentions of Jerry Lewis. Yes, the mighty Jerry concordance is my life's work! Today I checked the autobiography of Judy Collins (nothing!) and a biography of Dave Grohl (ditto!). None in the new Vonnegut bio, either, which I found astounding considering that Jerry was in the film version of one of his books. When I got home, just for a laugh, I checked the index of THE EXEGESIS OF PHILIP K. DICK (purchased at Square Books, natch). It's a little under a thousand pages, and in it, if you don't know, the book flap claims that "Dick documents his eight-year attempt to fathom... a postmodern visionary experience of the entire universe." But what the book flap doesn't tell you is that JERRY IS ACTUALLY IN IT! And I quote: "Dream: I am Jerry Lewis, a contemptible clown, but admired by millions, especially in France." E tu, Philip K. Dick?

Turpin Impostor

I am sure you recall the great regurgitation artist Hadji Ali, so very recently a subject of discussion. Well, our friend Mr. Ward has been on youtube and uncovered a video of his act. WARNING: I cannot vouch for it! Being the squeamish sort, I haven't forced myself to watch it yet. Here's what Mr. Ward says about it, though: "The highlight - Ali spits a geyser of water at Ben Turpin. Unfortunately, it turned out to just be annoying Ben Turpin wannabe James Finlayson." I can say that for a change I actually enjoyed an anonymous youtube comment: "There needs to be a fountain of this man with water spewing perpetually from the mouth. It is absolutely imperative."

Lucky Chip

Saw old Bill Boyle at the City Grocery Bar last night. We were celebrating his successful thesis defense. I am happy to say that his manuscript had some owls in it, both real owls and the Owl's Head Wastewater Treatment Plant. Now I never had Bill in an actual workshop, so I can't claim that he got the immortal advice from me ("Always put an owl in your book." - Jack Pendarvis). He seems to have realized this essential bit of the craft independently. Perhaps he's a genius! Bill, recalling my obsessive habit of checking every book to see whether Jerry Lewis is in the index, mentioned finding him in an oral biography of Robert Altman. "But you won't like it," he said of the reference. I went home and checked my copy and sure enough, there's Jules Feiffer saying he would rather kill himself than work with Jerry Lewis, and gosh that seems extreme, and Bill was correct: I didn't like it. (You know, Jerry Lewis is not in the index of any of the new Pauline Kael books that are everywhere these days. Al Lewis [pictured] is in one of them - AL Lewis! AL LEWIS! - but not Jerry Lewis! A travesty! Jerry does get a mention in a fat new [?] bio of Paul McCartney - but it's passing and mildly dismissive: Sir Paul uses Jerry as an example of the square stuff on the Ed Sullivan program before he and his pals came along. Why must everyone use Jerry as a punching bag? Jerry's better than all of you!) Leafing through the Altman book I found a funny story. A studio executive wanted the original script of the low-key gambling picture CALIFORNIA SPLIT revised: "I want the Mafia to chase the two guys... And I want Dean Martin to be the star of it. He wears a lucky chip around his neck, and he gets shot and the chip saves his life... You can call the movie LUCKY CHIP."

What I Learned

In today's New York Times, I learned that Laurel and Hardy remade some of their films in other languages, to be distributed in other countries. The shorts would be padded with extra material so they could be shown as feature attractions. One of them, and I quote, "contains a complete performance by the Egyptian vaudeville star Hadji Ali, whose specialty — swallowing water, gasoline and small objects and regurgitating them in spectacular fashion — has sadly gone out of style." I learned a lot just from that tiny excerpt. Read Dave Kehr's entire column by "clicking" here. I found out more about Hadji Ali in the "web" article where I discovered the illustration accompanying this "post." For example, "Ali was known to swallow two or three fishbowls of water, cup by cup, and eject a six foot arc into a small waiting basin." That's probably one of the least remarkable things in the article. You may also read about Ali's competitors in the field, Harry "The Human Hydrant" Morton and The Great Waldo. The author says that the act of the former was considered lowbrow because his primary medium was beer, "while Waldo’s incorporation of living mice and rats terrified onlookers." So they never became stars in the professional regurgitation world the way Hadji Ali did. IMPORTANT NOTE: The "blog" does not endorse the swallowing of gasoline (or living creatures!) for entertainment purposes! Or any other purposes! In fact, forget you read this.

The Chicken Files

I am sure you are asking yourself, "Self, what is up with Ace Atkins and Colonel Sanders?" Good question! Ace certainly seems to be dispensing the Colonel Sanders material at a surprising rate. He has gone so far as to suggest FINGER LICKIN' GOOD, the Col.'s 1974 autobiography, as the next selection of the Doomed Book Club. And last night he sent me Colonel Sanders's FBI file in an email with the sensational subject line "The Plot to Kill Colonel Sanders." You may "click" here to see it on the actual FBI "web" site... if you dare! Many paragraphs have been redacted! What strange secrets about Colonel Sanders are we being denied? Allow me to quote from one part of the file, a letter from Colonel Sanders to J. Edgar Hoover, requesting that the latter attend Colonel Sanders's birthday party: "I, of course, will provide all transportation and hotel reservations -- just call on my secretary, Wanda Boner, and tell her when you all will be in town. Hopin to hear from you all soon." He also mentions "celebratin." He really had the persona down pat. And a secretary named Wanda Boner! I am not trying to be "racy," I am just telling you the facts. "I also have more pictures of the Colonel with Jerry Lewis," Ace claimed at City Grocery Bar the other night.

Yesterday In Ghost News

You thought Halloween was over! But stumbling around the "internet" yesterday I came across the headline "Researchers Seek Vivian Vance's Ghost." The randomness of that headline is the only interesting thing about the article, but I guess I should "link" to it so you don't think I'm pulling your leg. And then I happened to notice the arrival of the new BELIEVER magazine, in which James Franco is interviewed about the time he encountered the ghost of a nun who turned on a faucet through ghostly means! Later in the interview Mr. Franco attempts to contact John Ritter via a Ouija board, so I guess yesterday's theme was "ghosts of deceased sitcom stars." You know what's a waste of time? Everything.

Flashback

I forgot to tell you that the superhero The Flash appeared again in THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST, though this time he seems to be the Barry Allen Flash, not the Jay Garrick Flash, if you will permit me the distinction. It's a fine description of The Flash catching "speeding bullets by streaking at precisely their speed and reaching out and picking them up like eggs..." More surprising was to run across Charles Fort and Dean Moriarty in the same sentence (well, Neal Cassady, the real-life inspiration for Dean Moriarty). "Cassady began fibrillating the vocal cords, going faster and faster until by dawn if he had gone any faster, he would have vibrated off, as old Charles Fort said, and gone instantly into the positive absolute. It was a nice weird party."

Three Villainous Fops

As I am sure you are dying to know, our annual Halloween film festival concluded with the Hammer production FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN. Dr. Frankenstein has some success with preserving the human soul, so he sends out his assistant Hans to get some champagne. Everything is going great for Dr. Frankenstein and his friends until three villainous fops (pictured) show up! One villainous fop resembles Pee Wee Herman and another makes you think of Graham Chapman from Monty Python.