Second Thought

On second thought, if our recent "post" becomes a regular feature, we're going to call it "James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Spandemonium!"

James Whorton, Jr.'s C-Span Digest!

As you know (and many of you have said you are praying for me) my "cable" provider has taken away C-Span 2. I had a "live 'internet' chat" with said provider, the upshot of which was, pretty much, "Too bad for you, sonny jim!" But this is where the "Blog" Buddies come in! Jim Whorton gives a nice recap of something he saw on C-Span 2 today: "a rerun of Brian Lamb interviewing David McCullogh from the 90s on his Truman biography. He says that Truman was the favorite of all White House servants of the era and was the first president ever to walk into the kitchen to thank the chef. Also, when Truman was overseas and a US general offered to supply a female companion for him, he told the general 'My wife doesn’t run around on me and I don’t run around on my wife.'" Whorton adds a bit of bonus description of the Valerie Plame-Wilson hearings as broadcast on regular C-Span: "Did I tell you about the man in a pink Jackie Kennedy suit and blond wig who was standing at the back of the room nodding in agreement through much of [Plame-Wilson's] testimony? I suspect he was a plant, because his suit said 'IMPEACH BUSH NOW' across the front. And he seemed to take care to be standing up, inside the TV frame, especially when the tesitimony got interesting." So that's today's C-Span recap. It doesn't exactly make up for having C-Span 2 unceremoniously yanked away from us, but it is nice to know we have friends who are looking out for us in trying times!

Movie

I was sad not to be in Austin today. But by a happy coincidence, the movie came in the mail... yes, a DVD of the short film based on a story from my book (the reason for my planned and thwarted trip to Austin). I'm happy to say everyone did a great job! The actors perfectly captured the characters and the director really understood the essence of the story. When he made cuts, I didn't miss those parts at all! I mean, I would have missed them on the page, but you don't miss them on the screen. And on the occasions when the actors sort of naturalized my stylized dialogue, once again, it made perfect sense. It WORKED! Everyone was thinking and making the movie as good as it could possibly be. I was happy with the whole thing, every scene! As I get details on how you, the "blog" reading public, can see the whole movie, I'll let you know. It was GREAT! Hey, remember when Stephen King got sad because Stanley Kubrick sneaked around and made a movie of one of his books? And then Stephen King was like, "I'll show you! I'll make my OWN movie, and I'll get the guy from WINGS! And I'll have a cameo as a ghoulish bandleader who suddenly spins around!" Well, I'm not going to do that. (Pictured, Stephen King as the ghoulish bandleader who suddenly spins around.)

A Brother Power Primer

Well, I hope you don't mind, but sometimes I like to tell you about things that I see as I spend my life "clicking" on "links" at the "internet." A favorite stop: the Toonopedia. Last time I was "clicking" on things at the old Toonopedia, I learned about a '60s superhero called Brother Power the Geek. I will summarize his story for you if you are too tired to "click." He was a tailor's dummy that was brought to life by lightning. Then some hippies took him under their collective wing and taught him about life. He fought bikers, just like Werewolf By Night! According to Mr. Markstein, the author of the Toonopedia, an editor at DC comics cancelled Brother Power's comic book precipitously, because the hippies in it weren't "loathsome" enough.

Burger Slogan Brings Hermit From Hiding

The reclusive Jon Host has been sufficiently enraged by a local restaurant's TV-commercial slogan that he has emerged from his catacombs deep below the state of Alabama. "Our burgers are destined to be the stuff that legends are made of," the slogan asserts.

L. S.

And here is our weekly picture of Lizabeth Scott. You know, we're starting to run out and then I don't know what will happen. The Biblical apocalypse?

Popular Culture

So, I was in a hospital gift shop today... never mind why! It's none of your beeswax. Maybe I just like hanging out there! Anyway, I was leafing through an ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY when I found another review of ANDY BARKER, P.I., that Andy Richter program which, as avid "blog" readers know, is the fancy doppelganger to my own more lowbrow effort. And the reviewer said that the video store sidekick dispenses pop culture references! And I thought, Oh no! So does MY video store sidekick. And then the reviewer said something like (I'm paraphrasing) "pop culture references are so midaughts, and we are glad to see that they are dying out." And then I said "Midaughts?" (I am not paraphrasing that one word.) And then I said, "Oh! Midaughts! How wonderfully clever that probably is." And then I started to worry about the reviewer, who works for ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, which I believe is in fact a compendium of popular culture references. It must make that reviewer very sad and depressed to work there, now that we are out of the midaughts! But it is not unusual to have a depressing job. I suppose most of us feel that way at one time or another in these strange days of the post-midaughts.

Robbed

I had shut down the "computer" and settled in for a relaxing evening of insomnia, when to my horror I discovered that my "cable" provider (which has recently raised its rates) has taken C-Span 2 away from me... that most lulling and pleasant of all the C-Span family! C-Span 2 is the one with all the books. Why, C-Span 2 is where I once witnessed an informative lecture by the father of Agent "M."! So its sentimental attachments for the "blog" are many. The worst part was, befuddled by the blank space where C-Span 2 should have been, I accidentally turned over to Headline News, a channel that, as I recalled it, showed headline news. But instead there was a very angry and dyspeptic little white fellow who wished to shake his finger in my face and berate me for the stances he imagines me to have taken on the issues of the day. No one wishes to be talked to in such a manner, especially by a stranger. The effect on my intended lulling was disastrous. I miss you, C-Span 2! You were my decorous friend.

The Universe

From what I understood in the New York Times today, Andy Richter's new show on NBC is about an amateur detective whose sidekick has a store that rents VHS tapes. AND THIS VERY SAME WEEK McSweeney's was kind enough to "e-publish" my little "e-book" about an amateur detective whose sidekick has a store that rents VHS tapes! Now McSweeney's was sitting on this tale for several months, and obviously Mr. Richter and I have no connection, and no way of seeing one another's works in progress. This goes to show what I have mentioned before: the universe does not want anyone to have an idea that he or she can claim for his or her own. I'm on to your game, universe!

Prepare To Have Your Mind Blown

Okay, I'll try to explain it. I was on the phone with Jeff McNeil, who was looking up a particular "web" article about Bob Denver. Merely by coincidence, as McNeil was discussing this fact with me, I had my TV tuned to the Fox Movie Channel, whereon a Sandra Dee vehicle entitled TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE was in progress. Who should appear on my TV, in my living room, in a cameo role as a scruffy folk singer but the VERY SAME BOB DENVER? You heard me right, folks. AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT, Bob Denver was the subject of an internet search, a telephone conversation, and a scene in a movie on the "cable" TV. How's your mind NOW? Blown, perhaps?

Pia's Orange Reflection

I'm not kidding when I say I'm short on "blogging" time today. But lucky for me, a recent "post" seemed to touch a soft spot in the heart of our good friend Pia Z., who offers the following reflection, perfect for cutting-and-pasting: "When I worked at Cloverleaf Mall in Hattiesburg," Pia writes, "in the shoe department at Waldoff's, I'd walk down to Orange Julius for my lunch break, sit by myself at the yellow formica table, and watch for any cute guys who might be walking around. I ordered the same thing every time: a perfect, unadorned thin grilled hamburger (was the bun buttered?) and crunchy fries. What is that mysterious powder they'd dump into the blender that made an Orange Julius taste like a frothy Dreamsicle?" The "blog" is sorry to report it was a raw egg, Pia!

Astounding Gilligan Confluence

When I was speaking with Jeff McNeil on the phone today, we both witnessed the most astonishing coincidence involving Bob Denver! It was possibly the most astonishing thing that has ever happened to anyone since the time Agent "M." saw that dog. I wish I had time to "blog" about it. But I don't. You wouldn't believe it anyway.

Austin, We Have a Problem

Circumstances at home have made it impossible for me to travel to Austin this week. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be fine here! But I do want to apologize to the friends I expected to greet in Austin, and especially the staff of Book People, the store that was kind enough to sponsor the event. We just talked to Dan Brown, the director of the film that was the reason for the now-cancelled appearance. Dan says the opening night crowd (last night) was packed and that the audience was very responsive. So that's nice to hear. I leave you now with a "still" from the production.

In Bob and Jerry News

Arnold Drake, the man who wrote the comic books based on Jerry Lewis and Bob Hope, has passed away. Sometimes we have to tell you something sad! We learned about the unfortunate event from our favorite Aquaman "blog."

The Great Thing

The great thing about the "internet" is when you say, "Huh, I wonder if Orange Julius is still in business." And then you can find out, rather than getting some work done. "Click" here to find an Orange Julius location near you!

Eye

You know how partial I am to Donald Markstein and his knowledge of weird old superheroes. Don't you? DON'T YOU? Well, here's one who was just an eye that flew around looking at people. You're welcome!

Sometimes We Like Words

You know how sometimes we like words here at the "blog." Words such as charivari, for example. Well, our old "Blog" Buddy Jim Whorton has just read, and enjoyed immensely, a story called "The Housebreaker of Shady Hill" by John Cheever. Mr. Whorton was happy to run across the word "parablendeum," which occurred in the story "several times," according to his assessment. "Evidently that is some old-fashioned stuff that bread sacks were once made out of," Mr. Whorton would have us believe.

Gilbert & Sullivan & Insomnia

This "blog" is going out to everyone who is concerned about my sleeping habits, by which of course I mean the entire world. They don't give a "blog" to just anyone! So, last night's insomnia viewing was, largely, a movie called BRICK. It seemed to be an engaging, stylish, solemn, dark little crime drama of recent vintage. But I did not allow myself to become too involved or attached, as I entered the story thirty or forty minutes late. One day I hope to view it from the beginning. But last night I used it merely as "home base" for the "flipping around" I enjoy so. One thing to which I happened to "flip" was FOUL PLAY, which was airing on TCM at the same time BRICK was airing elsewhere. I "flipped" to FOUL PLAY just as the opening chorus of THE MIKADO was being sung, with Dudley Moore conducting. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that in BRICK I happened to catch a scene in which a young woman recites the ballad "The sun, whose rays are all ablaze with ever-living glory..."? That ballad is from... yes, THE MIKADO! As everyone in the world will no doubt recall, my last bout of sleeplessness was enlivened by Mike Leigh's TOPSY-TURVY, which is all about the very first production of THE MIKADO... and ends with the aforementioned ballad! Aforementioned, I said! The last line of that ballad: "We're very wide awake, the moon and I." Food for thought! Food for thought in the world of "blogging"! This is what I "blog" about, folks! This is what a "blog" is! (Pictured, Shirley Henderson, who sang the "The sun, whose rays..." at the close of the Leigh film.)

Jack No Sleep

Trying to come up with a reason why I haven't been sleeping, I heard myself say, "I'm wound up from the ground up." Then I thought, "Perhaps I have just invented this catchy phrase!" So I did the "google" on it just to be sure. Well, there were five matches for other people who have been "wound up from the ground up." So I did not invent the phrase after all. If you use the "google" properly you will soon find that you have not and cannot invent anything. It's all already on the "google." Too bad for you!

Buttery Psychic Blackout

We are depressed by the news that Agent "M.'s" psychic powers have been greatly reduced by her immodest consumption of "Buttery Nipples," an alcoholic concoction of some sort. For this reason, our popular fortunetelling feature, "Your Daily Future," has been temporarily suspended while Agent "M." enters rehab. We wish her the best of luck in conquering her buttery demons.

Tradition

Well, Lizabeth Scott has fallen off the page and into the "blog" archives again. So it's time to give you a new picture of her. Really the "blog" has become a collection of arbitrary compulsions. That's just the way it is! I don't know, perhaps in some small way I'm doing a service for the community. I have noticed, for example, that if one does a "Google Image" search for Lizabeth Scott, one comes up with numerous pictures of people who are not Lizabeth Scott, people such as Mary Astor and Robert Mitchum. This is the one place on the "web" to guarantee that each picture of Lizabeth Scott is actually Lizabeth Scott! This week's photo is blurry, plus Ms. Scott looks sad and mopey. The first one is still the best. What am I doing with my life?

Insomnia!

Insomnia strikes deep in the heartland! A pleasant side effect: I got to watch a late showing of the Mike Leigh film TOPSY-TURVY on the Sundance channel. That movie has layers, people! Layers! Also, the guy who plays Arthur Sullivan uses a cigarette holder in numerous scenes. It's strange about these men-with-cigarette-holders sightings. I'll go a month without one and then there's a deluge. The man who plays the comic singer (and writer) George Grossmith in TOPSY-TURVY uses a cigarette holder as well, during a scene in which he consumes some bad oysters. For anyone interested in why I started counting men with cigarette holders: I don't know. But "click" here for an early example of the phenomenon. Oh, how innocent and amusing it all seemed then, before it ran our very lives! (Pictured, the real George Grossmith, smoking a cigarette sans holder.)

I Can't Throw Away My Oscar Ballot!

Yes, my sister brought over Oscar ballots on the night of the Oscars and we had to guess who would win. Is that embarrassing? Oh, is it? Well, what about when I tell you that I guessed correctly on the first twelve categories IN A ROW? That's everything from Art Direction all the way through Visual Effects, baby! I did a victory dance over "The Danish Poet" (best animated short) until I exhibited most of the symptoms of an actual heart attack, but I kept going! Because I had had too many special Oscar cupcakes. But that's not why I can't throw away my ballot. I can't throw it away because I drew some truly great doodles on it, including Charlie Brown, Batman, Mickey Mouse with large jowls and muttonchops (the result of messing up his lower face and trying to disguise the fact), Donald Duck in a nice pinstripe suit, a young Clint Eastwood, and best of all, a chimpanzee. My chimpanzee had his hands raised in the air, and eventually I thought of putting an Oscar in one of them. Like my chimpanzee had won an Oscar! Good for him! Oh, I can't stop looking at these magnificent doodles. I wish I could show them to you, but I am just now learning about "computers."

Texas Time

Now is the time when I should remind everyone who will be in Austin, TX, for the SXSW festival to come see me at Book People, Austin's huge, fine independent bookstore, on March 16th at 3PM. That's Friday afternoon... a week and a day from tomorrow, folks! I'll be reading from my story "The Pipe," from my book THE MYSTERIOUS SECRET OF THE VALUABLE TREASURE. As I have mentioned before, a short film has been made from that story, and it will debut at the festival. Please drop by and say hello!

John Cusack Cigarette Holder

I guess I should mention that I just saw John Cusack smoking a cigarette with the aid of a cigarette holder. In a movie. I don't want to count cigarette holders any more! Yet I am honor bound.

The Scary Part

The scary part is that Theresa's in the shower now and I can hear her humming the Lizzie Borden song.

We Stink

What is wrong with us? Today we mentioned a "crazy old story" and yesterday it was a "crazy old lady." Are we lazy? Is that it?

Morbid Hoedown

As you know, we frown on morbidity here at the "blog." But Theresa has uncovered something strangely jaunty ("click" here) to show to her class tomorrow. It's a Technicolor song-and-dance number about a subject we have sworn never to address again. Listen for the especially cheerful chorus near the end! Our squeamishness keeps us from typing it here, but you'll know what we mean. It's the part that goes, "You can't **** your ***** ** in Massachusetts!" Odd.

E-Book

Hey, guess what the McSweeney's web site did for me? They turned a crazy old story of mine into an e-book, if there is such a thing. It even has a nice cover featuring a vigilant spaceman and a woman I should hope is his wife! I wish I could figure out how to show you the cover through "internet" magic! But I guess you will have to "click" on it for yourself and get a nice surprise. Warning: the story is full of unnecessarily saucy language! I can't recall why.

Disappointing News

Well, I am sad to report that a crazy old lady does not really want Charles to burn down Edith Wharton's house. It was all part of a publicity campaign for a novel that's coming out soon, apparently. Charles could not remember the name of the novel, so I guess that part of the publicity campaign did not work. But it sure had me going! I'm sorry if I got everyone excited over nothing.

Why?

Why must I continue to notice things about cigarette holders? But I feel that I would be letting you down if I did not mention that the bakelite cigarette holder brought to my attention by Jeff McNeil appears to be the SAME cigarette holder that Phyllis Diller is using on the album cover brought to my attention by my ex-boss Lisa. At least it appears to be the same model! This cannot be confirmed, as bidding stops on the item in 30 minutes and we will never be able to get it down to Pendarvis Labs for proper examination. This way lies madness! Will everyone PLEASE stop bringing things to my attention?

Helpful Jeff

Jeff McNeil has brought to my attention that EBay bidding is almost over for an art deco bakelite cigarette holder with rhinestones and a gold bezel center. As I have tried to make clear in the past, this is precisely the sort of thing I DO NOT want brought to my attention.

Bissellmania Sweeps Nation

Well, I had to work this weekend, and work is an activity that makes me very tired and sad. So I missed Sunday's paper, and it has taken a while to catch up. But man, was it worth it! "Blog" Buddy Tom Bissell got a great, great review for his new book. Let's start a book club just so we can read it! Hey, I just thought of something. Bissell is the brand name of a kind of broom or vacuum cleaner or something, I think, and if I'm right, then my headline is some sort of pun, maybe. Hilarious! Better, anyway, than "Nam and Pop," the title of the NY Times book review, and the only suspect part of a wonderful piece that will make you want to run out and buy Mr. Bissell's book. Do it, I say!

The Return of the Cigarette Holder

Oh yeah, earlier tonight we saw Cyd Charisse jam a cigarette holder into Gene Kelly's mouth. He wasn't expecting it, and it was her cigarette holder, not his, but just to be on the safe side we're going to put it in our special "blog" cigarette holder tally. Somebody's got to do it!

Today's Weather: Blizzard

Welcome back to "Today's Weather," the part of the "blog" where we talk about the weather. Today's "Today's Weather" weather comes to us from our corporate spy "L." You may remember her from previous "posts." Anyway, listen to this! She writes: "Thursday night, I had to work at the datacenter until 3:00 in the morning, and there was a blizzard outside. I had to shovel my co-worker out. (He's way overweight and was in total freakout mode, so I was afraid for his heart.) While I was working in the datacenter though, someone hit my car." Bad weather! Bad, bad weather.

More Odd Mail

As regular readers of the "blog" will appreciate, it has been a strange week for the U.S. Postal Service. Just had a call from my friend Charles, who read to me over the phone from a letter he received yesterday, postmarked Springfield, Massachusetts. The writer, a person unknown to Charles, is by her own account an elderly woman who lives somewhere near "the Edith Wharton house," near enough, in fact, so that tourists visiting the Edith Wharton house often park in front of her (the letter writer's) mailbox. In the letter, this person requests that Charles burn down the Edith Wharton house, and offers to pay him for the service, as she is (in her words) "not without means." Charles's qualifications for such a task? Well, the letter writer seems to believe that Charles is responsible for burning down Emily Dickinson's house, for which, the letter writer assures Charles, she is "sure he had his reasons." Anyway, that's weird! (Pictured, Edith Wharton.)

Remedied

Remember how upset I was because the "previous posts" section of this "blog," even when one "clicked" on an old "post" such as "Mitigating Nixonian Reflection," showed, in actuality, the CURRENT "posts" rather than the "previous posts" (that is, "posts" PREVIOUS to the old "post" one had "clicked" on) its title promised? Do you? Do you remember that? Of course you do! You have thought of little else, I'll wager! Well, now it seems to be fixed. So get some rest.

Blondie

It has been a goodly amount of time since we have discussed writers and the favored comic strips and comic books of their tender young lives. We have held back, mainly, because of the fears and anxieties of our sensitive publisher, who finds that talk of such low matters is inappropriate when trying to ensnare readers of a certain lofty caliber and gender. To which we reply, "Huh?" In any case, we must share the fact that the novelist Ashley Warlick, as a young lady, enjoyed reading BLONDIE. She found the title character fetchingly designed and drawn. She was fascinated by the classiness of such a beautiful woman who seemed able to laugh off the foibles (Ms. Warlick used another word, indeed a saucy and unprintable one, in place of "foibles") of a husband such as Dagwood. I was able to inform Ms. Warlick, thanks to my obsessive reading and rereading, as a teenager, of the 1977 edition of THE SMITHSONIAN COLLECTION OF NEWSPAPER COMICS, that Blondie had started out in the late twenties or early thirties of the last century as a kind of showgirl or flapper, and that Dagwood had been, early on, a rich young beau whose family disowned him over his love of Blondie. Ms. Warlick appeared to absorb this news with relish! We were able to confirm the facts of Blondie's early life, upon returning home, via the always valuable Toonopedia of Mr. Don Markstein.

Novel Situation

An odd call from Jeff McNeil: It seems as if the publisher to whom he recently submitted his novel turns out to be a subsidiary of the Maryland Grape Growers Association. But the story doesn't end there! Just the other day McNeil found the original envelope in which he had mailed the novel shredded and tattered and empty, languishing in his mailbox with a note from the Atlanta postmaster offering to reimburse McNeil for postage and enquiring as to the original contents. Yes, McNeil's novel has been pilfered from the U.S. mail! The crime most likely occurred in the Atlanta area. Keep your eyes peeled for stray literature!

Personal to Jon Host

Hey Jon, next time we write a song let's rhyme "suggestible" with "vestibule."

Before I Forget

Looks like it's time for another picture of Lizabeth Scott. See, I didn't want to let you down, even though I'm busy. That's just good "blogging" etiquette (or "blog"iquette, as it's called in most "blogging" circles)!

Believer

Hi, everybody. As I mentioned, expect light "blogging" for the next few days. I did want to let you know to look for the March issue of THE BELIEVER. That interview I told you about a long time ago, with Ms. Joey Lauren Adams, is in there. So go out and buy it and console yourself about the skimpiness of the "blog."

Dearth of "Blogging" Seen As Eventful Weekend Approaches

A lot of writers are coming to town this weekend for some sort of conference, and you know how writers are. They need to be catered to and pampered at every moment! So we will be wining and dining some of them and being wined and dined by others in turn. It's part of a complex ecosystem of mooching, without which you would not enjoy the paperbacks so readily available in airports across our great nation this very day! On a more distressing note, the daylight hours of this weekend will be full of work and toil for yours truly, as Kent Osborne is flying in so we can put the finishing touches on the first draft of our script. Heady times! And the good part, of course, is that I will get to hang out with Kent. But the "blogging" shall certainly suffer. Speaking of "blogging" dearths, I am sorry to see that The Absorbascon "blog," which I have only recently discovered, is shutting down for awhile. But you should still visit and explore its many mysteries. There is a lot about "blogging" I don't understand. I tried to figure out why exactly the Absorbascon is shutting down, but the "comments" didn't make much sense to me at all... much like the idea of "comments" itself. Don't we all get enough "comments" in our daily lives? Why would we like to encourage the practice? Well, in a salute to the hobbled Absorbascon, I will leave you with a picture I found on it, one which dovetails nicely with our new feature "Your Daily Future." Farewell for the nonce!

Unannounced Napkin Adjustment

Hey, over at Esquire magazine they changed the "link" at which you can gaze at something I wrote on a napkin. I'm guessing that the old "link" probably doesn't work anymore, so I thought I would provide the new one in case you want to see something I wrote on a napkin but why would you, really?

Your Daily Future

Welcome to our newest regular feature, "Your Daily Future," in which our resident psychic, Agent "M.," predicts the future, yes, YOUR future! Today's mystic scroll from Agent "M." just came through the vast network of pneumatic tubes that forms the very circulatory system of the Pendarvis Building: "I just had a premonition" (writes Agent "M.") "that we would have an earthquake today. A small one but large enough to spill my Coke on my keyboard. So I have put the cap on the precariously perched Coke and moved said Coke away from keyboard!" You heard it here first! Agent "M." also admired Ellen's and Peter O'Toole's velvet suits at the Academy Awards the other night. This has nothing to do with the future and everything to do with Agent "M.'s" exquisite taste in velvet suits. Okay, now I'm going to "Google" the term "Your Daily Future." I hope it's not taken! If it is, we'll have an exciting contest and come up with something else.

Niceness

Wow! Everyone was so nice to Theresa and me in South Carolina. Two of my favorite writers - George Singleton and John Warner - came out to say hello. And of course that other favorite writer o' mine, Ashley Warlick, who organized the whole thing. And after the reading I was mobbed by pleasant 16- and 17-year-olds who wanted me to sign their books. Mobbed is the wrong word. They actually formed a spontaneous yet preternaturally orderly line. The young generation! I had no idea the young generation was so kind and pleasant! I thought they just spent their time beating one another up for YouTube. But I was wrong! They also enjoy reading. And standing patiently in line while I try to think of smarmy one-liners with which to deface their books. Well, everyone was very nice, as I said. Much nicer than the happy talking squirrels of Cranberry Corners, who knocked me down and robbed me of my nuts. That's not "racy"! It's a simple statement of literal fact. Squirrels enjoy nuts, such as walnuts and pecans. Look it up!

Monday

Hi! Maybe you're reading this at work on Monday, as a way of asserting your individuality under the boot of "the man." Good for you! Well, if you live near Greenville, SC, come see me "do" a "reading" tonight! "Click" here for the details. This was set up by the good Ashley Warlick. You can research Ms. Warlick on the ill-fated "blog"dex if you like! It's a poor substitute for coming out and meeting her in person at the reading, but at least maybe all the "clicking" will keep you occupied until my triumphant return to the "blog."

McNeil Regroups

Jeff McNeil says that he has run out of things to say about movies. Therefore, McNeil's Movie Korner, our popular and long running feature, has come to a temporary end. Mr. McNeil, in a statement released earlier today, says that he plans to spend his retirement from the Korner looking up interesting things on EBay. "A novelization of the sitcom 'The Girl With Something Extra' [a former object of "blog" scrutiny] can be had for a buck," McNeil remarks by way of example. "There's a pic of the cover and everything," he goes on. "It is written by Paul W. Fairman, who also wrote some of the books in the Partridge Family series, as well as something called 'The Orgy at Madame Dracula's - The Man from S.T.U.D.' He wrote that under a pen name." We wish Mr. McNeil the best of luck in his intriguing new career! (Note: the novelization pictured is NOT by Mr. Fairman. I hope that doesn't blow your mind!)

Spectral Fur Conclusion

Did you hear that "blog" contributor Agent "M." has turned out to be a psychic? It's true! She has offered the following statement as irrefutable proof: "I said the other day that I thought we would see my old buddy J*** K*** at the Gillian Welch show, and there he was. That same day, as I was walking by this house I thought to myself, Why don't I ever see that yellow lab here anymore, and then all of a sudden, it came running towards me as if I had conjured it! I said the night before A**** N***** S**** died that I thought she would probably 'not last long' given her drug-like state, and then...well, she didn't! I have always felt that I had a 6th sense, but lately it has become stronger...waaahaaahaaa, says the mad scientist! J*** K***'s wife A****** says that I have 'The Secret'--do you know of this DVD and book? I may have to go out and get a copy!" Here Agent "M.'s" communique mysteriously breaks off! I have not cleared this with Agent "M.," but I believe I will start soliciting questions from you, the "blog" reading public, to pass along to her. Let Agent "M." advise you on matters of the heart! Let Agent "M." guide you through the murky future!

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner: Psychic Twist

Welcome back to another exciting episode of Agent "M.'s" TV Korner, where the mysterious Agent "M." tells you all her innermost thoughts about television. Today Agent "M." writes in to say she has been "in the trenches," but pondering television in her spare time, too. Thank the Lord! Here she is on the subject of VERONICA MARS: "The good news [in the most recent episode] was that Mac overcame her sexual nervousness, which gives us all hope that the same can happen to us, right? And now on to LOST...the question remains: am I becoming a jaded LOST fan? Say it isn't so. Maybe I just don't like the idea of having back surgery or being branded on my lower back. Of course, they make jeans so low these days that at least they wouldn't rub on the brand if I did decide to get one. Over and out..." We at the "blog" must add that there is also an offhand line in Agent "M.'s" recent correspondence, indicating that she has discovered herself to be psychic. To which we reply: "Whaaaa.....?" More on that later, we hope! (Pictured, Sally Field, star of the psychic sitcom THE GIRL WITH SOMETHING EXTRA, which aired in late '73 and early '74 on NBC.)

On the "Internet"

Hey everybody I was on the "internet" just now and noticed that the movie based on the story from my book has "friends." That's what I said, all right! You're not going crazy! No need to check your glasses! The movie based on the story from my book has, it claims with bald assurance, "63 friends"! A movie has friends! More friends than I do! What kind of crazy world are we living in these days with all the crazy things in it and so forth that we can hardly understand from all their craziness and such?

The Human Mimosa!

Y'all know about my favorite Aquaman "blog." Well, today there's an examination of an old story in which Aquaman has to swim in champagne, and later in orange juice! And then in some other things, but I don't want to spoil it for you.

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner: Special Guest Columnist, Jack Pendarvis

Hello, and welcome to the latest episode of Agent "M.'s" TV Korner. I'm Jack Pendarvis, and today I'll be sitting in for Agent "M.," who is on assignment. Tonight's episode of LOST was impeded somewhat, in the Pendarvis Building, by the charming escapades of our always impish and mercurial upstairs neighbors. It seems that they have given their dogs a bag to play with, a bag most probably containing, based on aural evidence, a large number of human heads. I am sure there is a logical explanation! No doubt the heads were obtained quite legally, as part of a scientific experiment for the betterment of humankind! So of course we cannot in good conscience be upset about what appears (or sounds) to be such an altruistic gesture. In fact, the torturously methodical way in which the heads were pushed around the room, over and over, by the noses of the tireless dogs in question, is a sure sign of some sort of highly specialized and regulated test. Good for our upstairs chums! I salute their enterprise! But it was a little hard to keep up with LOST with all the excitement and industry taking place right over our heads. At one point, I went so far as to bang on the ceiling with a broom handle as a hearty and enthusiastic show of support for the "scientific method," well known as a boon to all! This got the frolicsome pups worked up all the more! Here's an interesting detail: The dogs began cavorting with their sack of skulls (or what-have-you) just before LOST began airing at 10 o'clock EST. At 10:54 p.m., they briefly curtailed their rambunctious task, which had been going on NON-STOP, to engage in a spirited fight, complete with frightening yelps and growls! At around 10:56, things grew ominously silent, allowing us to view the last two or three minutes of LOST in "peace," yet overcome with suspense and worry about our erstwhile jolly canine pals! A mixed blessing to be sure, this strange "peace" we "enjoyed"!

The Fall

I see that Lizabeth Scott has fallen off of the bottom of the "blog" again. Don't worry! Here's another picture of her.

That's Right, I Said Denouement

I have some more diet ginger ale material... it's killer stuff! The material I mean, not the diet ginger ale, which is a healthful alternative to the usual sodas, I'm sure. But somehow my typing energy is on the wane. I thought for sure we'd have an "Agent 'M.'s' TV Korner" today, given the shocking denouement of last night's VERONICA MARS. But I reckon Agent "M." is still sitting in front of the television with her mouth hanging open after that one! We all are. So, light "blogging" today.

The Schedule on the Web Site of the Movie of the Story from the Book

So, if you check that web site I told you about the other day, you will see that they have added a schedule of showings! "FYI," as we say in the "blogging" business.

Diet Ginger Ale

Jeff McNeil has dispatched an urgent telegram to the Pendarvis Building. It seems that because of the medication he is on, all he can drink is diet ginger ale! We are trying to think of a way to work this information into a regular feature of some kind.

Today's Weather: Special Yesterday's Weather Edition

Welcome once again to our newest regular feature, "Today's Weather." We have some more news on the wind in New York City and what it did to Amanda Stern. "I did not get blown away, after all," Stern reports. "But I think my teeth have hypothermia." To which the "blog" responds, "Holy cow!" If you have ever read Stern's novel THE LONG HAUL, you know there is a great chapter all about driving in the ice.

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special Love Edition Addition

Welcome back to McNeil's Movie Korner. As you may recall, Mr. McNeil was previously upset by the "blog's" definition of love. He also expressed a desire to produce a "special love edition" of his recurring feature. This "post" should address both issues. McNeil would like to quote (or paraphrase, the "blog" is not sure) Tony Curtis from WHO WAS THAT LADY?: "The true meaning of love is when a man vows to give up kissing foreign exchange students," McNeil says that Curtis says in that film. "COME ON!" adds McNeil, in what seems to be a forceful plea for shared affirmation.

The Aforementioned Super-Apes

Pretty!

A Little "Bloggier"

Just when you're feeling not-too-"bloggy," a "blog" comes along that restores your faith in "blogs." Such was the case this very morn with "The Absorbascon," a "blog" I found out about through "clicking" on "links" at my favorite Aquaman "blog." Now I am not saying that "The Absorbascon" is everyone's cup of tea. My publisher, for example, might rashly eschew it! But let me just lay this on you: "The Absorbascon" taught me about some old comic book characters I had somehow overlooked for my entire life until now. I am referring, of course, to Red Ghost and the Super-Apes. Red Ghost and the Super-Apes! Their name alone makes me so very happy. That's Red Ghost in the accompanying picture. Thank you, "The Absorbascon"!

Not Too "Bloggy"

I'm not feeling very "bloggy" today.

This Was Pop Gear

Just caught the end of POP GEAR again, and it was exactly as I remembered it. Only this time I came in a little earlier - just a tiny, little bit... weirdly, I came in at almost exactly the same time - and caught The Dance of the Girls in the Golden Pants. And I tried to pay a little more attention to the lyrics at the end. The guy looked right into the camera, addressing me, the audience: "You were the problem child/ In a time when music sings." And I was like, Do what? And at the end he told me again, through his musical language of singing, "This was Pop Gear!" And I was like, Awesome.

Poster

Hey, world, take a gander at this! The short film of a story from my first book has its very own movie poster. And somehow the movie became anthropomorphic and snagged its very own "MySpace" page, as the kids call it. What a confusing yet compelling world it is we live in these days with all the modern technology and such.

Today's Weather: NYC Edition

Welcome back to what we just now this very minute decided is a new recurring feature here at the "blog": Today's Weather. This is where people write in and tell us what their weather is like! Hot off the wire, Amanda Stern reports, and we quote, "I just heard a metal garbage can fly down my street." Forecast for NYC... Windy!

Let's Go Through Karen's Mail! Chapter Three: Belated Valentines

You know how we love to go through Karen's mail! We've been so busy lately, we've barely had time. And even this batch comes from a few days ago. But we're happy to report that Karen received two valentines, if just a tad past the holiday. One came from Fairfax, VA, the other from Spokane. The one from Spokane had a York mint in it. We ate it and resealed the envelope. What Karen doesn't know won't hurt her!

Wood Sprites

Don't forget, the "blog" will be "down" for a few days as we merrily traipse off to Cranberry Corners, which, as we understand it, is populated by wood sprites or talking chipmunks. Either way is awesome! So come on up and join us.

Jeff McNeil Doesn't Understand the Problem

"Of course you can eat a sandwich and read a newspaper," writes Jeff McNeil. "I don't understand the problem. Hold the paper with one hand and the sandwich with the other. If the sandwich is too big, then lay the paper down on the table while you hold the sandwich, or lay the sandwich down and chew while you read the paper."

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special Love Edition

So McNeil calls and says he has an idea for McNeil's Movie Korner. "What is it?" I say. "The special love edition," says McNeil. "Lay it on me," says I. "That's all I've got," says McNeil.

Another Robin

Mr. Whorton expects 4 to 6 inches of snow in his part of Upstate New York today, but reports seeing a robin this morning anyway.

The Sandwich Front

Much to report on the sandwich front: My sister claims that it is impossible to eat a sandwich while reading a newspaper. We brainstormed about tongs for awhile, but it came to naught. James "Jim Whorton" Whorton, Jr., on the other hand, says, and I quote, "It is OK to taste newsprint. When I was in fifth grade I knew a fellow who brought his lunch to school, a sandwich, wrapped, by his mother, in, newsprint. Every day!" While Caroline Young has this to offer: "I cannot help you on the newsprint conundrum. I don't eat sandwiches. But I do read all of my news on the spotless internet. Problem is, I am always enjoying a croissant while I do so. Question. If you think it is tough avoiding newsprint in your mouth, how do I retrieve croissant crumbs from my keyboard? Years of rejected breakfast lie between qwerty and and uiop." So, it seems that even with all our modern technology we have these days, the problems of the universe remain. Golly!

Problematic

Well, Mr. McNeil has at last provided his own definition of love, but it is much too morbid to be related here, due to the "blog's" exacting standards of happy talk and optimism. This is not censorship! And now, on to another problematic subject. Here in the Pendarvis Building there is nothing we like to do better than eat sandwiches and read newspapers. Yet how does one go about eating a sandwich while reading a newspaper? The problem is that one recoils from the thought of transferring newsprint into one's mouth. We are currently accepting suggestions. The winner of "The International Newspaper Sandwich Award" will have his or her name "posted" on the "blog"!

McNeil Proves Intractable: Nation Stunned

Jeff McNeil contends that I have improperly defined love in my most recent "post." Yet he has not stepped forward with an alternative description. We eagerly await word from this self-styled Grinch of Valentine's Day.

Love

The two questions we receive most often at the old "blog" are a) How's that new belt working out for you? and b) What's the deal with love? Luckily, I have a little anecdote that answers both questions, just in time for Valentine's Day. So, the other night, when Theresa and I were getting ready to go to dinner, I discovered that I had lost sufficient weight to make my new belt, of which I had been erstwhile so justifiably proud, turn loose and slack and useless. But it was time for dinner! There was no opportunity for belt shopping! Theresa took matters in hand. With nothing more than a hammer and a common nail, she made a new, emergency notch for my belt, so that it could be tightened properly. Love!

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner: Action Figure

Welcome once again to Agent "M.'s" TV Korner. This time, Agent "M." would like us to know about the LOST action figures she has found on the Toys R Us "web" site. They are creepy! Take this one (pictured, left) of Charlie as he contemplates the horrors of heroin addiction. Detailed and lifelike. Oodles of fun. Makes a great stocking stuffer! P.S. I know, it looks like a photo of an actual person. That's just one of the creepy things about it. You have to magnify the image several times before it begins to look like an action figure, which it actually is. The fun part is that all the "action" goes on in his brooding and troubled mind. Cool!

New Horizons In "Blogging"

I had a very long phone message from Jeff McNeil, in which he covered three or four topics. At the end, he referred to the preceding message as his "audio 'blog.'" McNeil's concept is invigorating! It opens up the possibility of "blogging" to people who do not have "computers." Another idea is to stand in front of apartment buildings and toss tiny pebbles at peoples' windows. Then when they open their windows to ascertain what's going on, you "blog" at them verbally.

Bludos

Meanwhile, Jim Ruland writes in to say, "Thanks for the bludos aka 'blog' kudos!" This is a great new word and we expect everyone to start using it. Now.

Happy Lincoln's Birthday!

I don't know who sent me this e-card for Lincoln's birthday ("click" here to see it). Maybe it was a certain Lincoln expert of my acquaintance, or perhaps it's from the Great Man himself, as is claimed. In any case, it's the awesomest Lincoln's birthday card I've ever received in any format, e- or otherwise.

Oops!

Well, it looks like we've accidentally knocked Lizabeth Scott off the bottom of the page again. So here is a new picture of Lizabeth Scott, which we hope will last us for awhile.

Cranberry Corners

Hello, friends! Well, the old calendar tells me that I'll be at a place called Cranberry Corners in Dahlonega, GA, at ten in the morning on Saturday, giving everyone a little taste of the old Pendarvis magic. You know the old saying: Saturday + 10AM + Cranberry Corners + Jack Pendarvis = all the ingredients of a successful and jam packed reading of my humorous comedy pieces! So get there early! I suggest 6AM. You can watch me doing the three-and-three-quarter hour facial acting exercises with which I prepare each carefully crafted performance!

"Blog" Celebrates 400th "Post"

We are pleased to report that a recent entry, "Melancholy Chicken Substitution," was the 400th thought we have had since September. As we pause to consider the rich history of our ever-growing "blog," let us take a moment to remember some of the "posts" that have gone before. How about the time I acted like Marilyn Monroe? Or my precious reflections on the deliciousness of taffy? My controversial views on grooming? Or the old table that caused such a ruckus! Perhaps you have your own "faves." The nostalgically minded may enjoy looking back on the "hoopla" that accompanied our 300th "post."

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special "Web" Edition Annex

Welcome to a special postscript to an already special "Korner." Jeff McNeil reports finding a new treasure on that "web" site we recently discussed: A woman who says she can reduce your stress level in THREE SECONDS OR LESS! McNeil contends that even the idea of reducing his stress in three seconds or less causes his stress to rise precipitously. A challenge then, a gordian knot, this Jeff McNeil! What stress expert could ever tame him?

Money

That's right, I'm back from the brink. I had a wonderful time. There were a lot of enthusiastic book lovers at the conference, and I was made to feel very welcome by all the people I met. I hung out with some nice writers, too. J. Wes Yoder and I discovered that we both love Truffaut and Godard. I also had a long, pleasant talk with the poet Natasha Trethewey. Both of our last names - Trethewey and Pendarvis - are Cornish. That accounted for just a small percentage of our conversation, which came to a close at the Bama Grill, the only place in Jacksonville, Alabama that stays open past one in the morning. It was earlier in the evening, over drinks with J. Wes and Natasha, when I happened to discover that I am the least well paid writer in America! Less than poets, even. POETS! Poets, who are famous as a group for not being paid very well... indeed, for starving to death in their freezing cold garrets while an indifferent world passes by outside. (This money issue has nothing to do with "On the Brink," by the way, who were very kind to us in that regard. It was just a general topic of the kind that should never, never come up in a bar.) Anyway, it's not about the money. It's about spreading literature throughout the land. Oh yes, another fun fact is that I seem to be the oldest writer in America, too. (Pictured, J. Wes Yoder and Natasha Trethewey, two writers who are younger, richer, thinner, and much better looking than me.)

Robins!

So on my way home from Savage Pizza I saw what I suppose was a whole flock of robins. I don't think I've ever seen more than one or two of them hanging out. But today I counted sixteen in one small spot. It was a robin party! Crazy, this world we live in these days.

Melancholy Chicken Substitution

I walked over to Savage Pizza today to get my favorite sandwich EVER! That sandwich: the Marinated Chicken Sub. I ordered it! Hold the lettuce and mayo, but give me the rest of the works! And the woman who was taking my order told me that the Marinated Chicken Sub has been DISCONTINUED! "You know how we do," she said. But no, I did not! I did not know how they do! They discontinue things. Delicious things. They even discontinue the best sandwich of all time. But the thing that stings the most is that I have let you down, yes, you, the people of the world. I have always meant to "blog" about the Marinated Chicken Sub. But not like this! Not like this!

One For the Road

I have no time for dilly-dallying and "blogging" and such! I need to get on the road. But a moving radio transmission from Mark Osborne demands transcription here: "Walking into the Starbucks in Burbank," Mr. Osborne reports, "I saw just a regular Joe smoking a cigarette using a short shiny black cigarette holder. I have never seen one before this. Thanks to the informative and enlightening nature of your 'blog' I feel like I can now see. Thank you." No, thank you, Mr. Osborne! It is gratifying to think that the "blog" has touched so many lives. But we feel that we must nip something in the bud. Seeing cigarette holders everywhere is both a blessing and a curse! Mostly a curse! We do not encourage the practice. And really, we must ask not to hear of outside cigarette holder sightings unless absolutely necessary. We have enough trouble with cigarette holders that we have seen for ourselves! This would also preclude such phone calls as one we received recently from Brooklyn, in which a well intentioned member of Hubcap City told us that he had NOT seen any cigarette holders in that borough.

McNeil's Movie Korner: Special "Web" Edition

Welcome to another exciting episode of McNeil's Movie Korner! This time we are not talking about movies at all, so it is an especially exciting day for us here at the "Korner." Expanding our horizons! As you know, I am going to be gone from the "blog" for a few days. Well, Jeff McNeil has found a "web" site he thinks you will enjoy passing the time with, one which may soothe you in the absence of the "blog." McNeil stumbled across a site on which you can find the perfect keynote speaker for your event or gathering. The object of McNeil's particular fancy was a woman who speaks on the subject of how to pick out your clothes in the morning. Now we have had some difficulty in locating this specific speaker, as you will see when you visit the site. But the way it is set up makes it even more exciting to spend your many free hours "clicking" away! When you hit the "Speaker Showcase" button again and again, you will be taken again and again to various random speakers. There is no way to control it! Who knows which speaker, with what peculiar or inspiring specialty, you will hit upon next? And by "clicking" on the "Learn More About..." button, you will learn more about that speaker! We feel that this is a never-ending rainbow of delight, turning in upon itself like that famous snake that eats its own tail. Fun!

Postscript

In keeping with the "positive" credo of the "blog," we should remark that over at the Pendarvis Building we watched last night's LOST with mouths agape. Agent "M.'s" points, while cogent to us in hindsight, sailed right over our heads at the time! Plus it was awesome when ** ***** *** **** ***** ** *****! Although we did see it coming when **** *** got *** by a ***.

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner: Disbelief

Welcome to another edition of Agent "M.'s" TV Korner! Today, Agent "M." writes in about last night's episode of LOST. So as to avoid any "spoilers," the "blog" censors have taken a heavy hand, I fear, with Agent "M.'s" entry. Here, then, is what we can share of Agent "M.'s" thoughts: "So just when you think that Richard Grieco is the only male actor with that natural eyeliner thing going on, along comes Nestor Carbonell (formerly of that hit show, Suddenly Susan) on last night's episode of LOST. Speaking of which, let me just say a little something about this whole thing we call 'willing suspension of disbelief.' Why is that up until last night I have been able to suspend disbelief regarding, well, basically everything that has happened in 2.5 years (or 50 days in LOST time) on that island, and then I fly into a fitful rage when *** ***** **--and is coherent--in the middle of *** ******** **** ******* ************ that Jack is/is not ********* on him? ************ is the only word I can come up with. As my friend Teresa (not to be confused with Theresa of "blog" fame) pointed out, *************** get paid way too much to mess up something like that. But then Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) is clearly no ************, is she, people? No, she is a ************ miracle worker--she ************ her own sister (not the old-fashioned way, mind you!)--and has thus become oh-so-attractive to the Dharma folks. Let this be a lesson to us all---don't excel at your job or you will end up being forced into **** ********* ** **********."

Something Funny to Say to Your Friends

We're taking "Blog" Buddy Caroline for a belated birthday dinner at a real old-school French restaurant. You know something funny that Caroline sometimes says in such a circumstance? She calls Chateauneuf-du-Pape "She Had Enough to Pop." And we usually do! Use that one on your friends, but be sure to give Caroline credit.

Brink

Watch out, everybody! I'm on the brink this weekend. Join me, won't you?

Comb

On the first morning of my recent trip to California I discovered that I had forgotten to pack my comb! So I combed my hair with my fingers and it worked out perfectly fine. No, more than fine. It worked splendidly. Splendidly! Reader, I never bought a comb on that trip. This is what the powerful comb lobby doesn't want you to know!

"Blog" Touches Untold Millions

Dinner at the home of Kimb and Mark Osborne the other night in L.A. Turns out that Mr. Osborne is an avid reader of the "blog." He had a suggestion: More entries about our intriguing and energetic upstairs neighbors. We are taking it under consideration, Mr. Osborne! He had, also, a reasonable request, which was for a clarification of our recent "post" titled "Napkin." I really should have explained that the napkin was part of a larger project, and I certainly should have mentioned that "Blog" Buddy Jim Ruland was also invited to participate in that project. To paraphrase a wise old song, "'Blog' Buddies are Doing It For Themselves!" Finally, Kimb (the enchanting and endlessly creative bride of Mr. Osborne) offered me some Lady Grey tea, to the shameless laughter of all present. Yes, my own "blog," by revealing all my terrible and private weaknesses, had worked against me! But it was all in good fun and many homemade cookies were consumed in a spirit of fellowship. (Click here to see an Academy-award nominated film by Mr. Osborne!)

Agent "M.'s" TV Korner

Hello, and welcome to a new "blog" feature, Agent "M.'s" TV Korner, which we feel will take its rightful place alongside Pia's Composer Korner and McNeil's Movie Korner. Let's get things started with last night's episode of VERONICA MARS, the special guest star of which is the subject of Agent "M.'s" communique: "Just wanted to give a shout out to Richard Grieco whom I love! I wish my eyes had that sort of natural eyeliner look--I would never have to buy Clinique Charcoal Brown Eyeliner pencil again!" This has been Agent "M.'s" TV Korner. See you next time!

The Wire

Speaking of THE WIRE, my friends at the corner video store tell me that episodes of the show have become their most popular rentals. I can only attribute the surge to the uncanny power of this very "blog."

Braggy

Hey, something happened to me a while back but I didn't mention it because it seemed too "braggy" to go on the "blog." Boastfulness is unbecoming in any medium! But now one of the "players" involved has made it public, so I feel that it is "okay" to mention. You know how I love that show THE WIRE above all others, right? Well, one of the creators of THE WIRE, David Simon, called me up on two consecutive nights to flatter me about my writing abilities and shower me with words of encouragement! Now that Ms. Laura Lippman, who is, I believe, the spouse of Mr. Simon, and a renowned author herself, has written about the incident on her "blog," or what I think is a "blog" (I'm still not 100% solid on what a "blog" is), I feel fine about telling the world that I received (and missed) two calls from one of the creators of the best TV show of all time. You need to start with season one.

Cigarette Holder!

I am sick of explaining why, but as you know, the only reason this "blog" exists is to list all the times I spot a man with a cigarette holder. Well, on Sunday evening, as Kent and I began to wind down from our work for the day, we watched a DVD of a Coen Brothers movie entitled THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE. At one point the main character Ed Crane (Billy Bob Thornton) brings his young friend Birdie (Scarlett Johansen) to a renowned piano teacher (Adam Alexi-Malle). This gentleman uses a cigarette holder! At an earlier date I said that dramatically speaking, cigarette holders signify the jaunty or the evil. I must now add the category of affected aesthete to this list.

Fight!

Only one bad thing happened in California. Kent and I got in a terrible argument over Jerry Lewis! The argument centered around the terrifying question "What if Jerry Lewis had never been born?" Our opinions differed as to the outcome of this hypothetical occurrence! I cannot get into the details, which are too painful to relate. I can only say that Kent and I parted chums, bearing in mind as always the fourth "blog"mandment.

Timely Elevator Continuation

Speaking of elevators, several years ago Mark Osborne (Kent's brother) and I got on an elevator with Michael Stipe, who was wearing a large cowboy hat. We did not accost Mr. Stipe, but kept, rather, a respectful silence, all the while darting our eyes back and forth at one another meaningfully. And now I believe we come to the conclusion of my chronicles of all the times I have been on an elevator with a celebrity. The End.

I See Celebrity People

It's been too long, friends! But now I'm back from "Tinseltown" and ready to spread trivia throughout the universe, wherever people have "computing" machines in their homes, businesses, and places of worship. One exciting thing about going to the Los Angeles area is wondering what celebrities you will see. You will almost always see at least one! It is never the celebrity you would ever imagine seeing, were you asked to imagine seeing a celebrity. For example, many years ago I witnessed Tim Kazurinsky picking up a bag of breakfast to go. I wonder what Tim Kazurinsky eats for breakfast! I didn't have the nerve to ask. And now I guess I'll never know. Last year, when I was about to do a reading in a bookstore, I saw Vanessa Redgrave buying an atlas! A classy choice, Ms. Redgrave! On this most recent trip, however, I had begun to fear that I would have no celebrity sightings. And I almost didn't! It took all the way until I was getting on the elevator to leave the hotel. Who should get on the elevator with me but Barry Sonnenfeld, the former Coen Brothers D.P. turned director. I overheard him telling his elevator chum that his wife was from Ft. Worth! This is not the kind of information you can get just anywhere. Then he began talking about shooting BLOOD SIMPLE in Austin. He and his elevator chum began praising Austin. "GOOD CHEAP FOOD!" I screamed, to get into the conversation. They agreed that there was good cheap food in Austin. Then we almost got out on the 2nd floor rather than the lobby. Oh, how we chuckled inwardly at that! Just three regular fellows on an elevator! Which reminds me, a few years ago (1999, I'm fairly sure) I scared Marvin Hamlisch on an elevator. I wanted to talk about all the many things we had in common! But that was back in 1999, when I used to be stupid. Believe it or not, I actually had one more celebrity sighting TODAY, before I got on my airplane, but my goodness this "post" is getting long, so perhaps I should keep you in suspense until tomorrow. (Pictured, Marvin Hamlisch.)